• 
• Beware flicking leeks
• Between earth’s flock and a charred waste there’s a stench of blood
• The sting   of the deeply glued bee
• He fell between two Schools of ought
• With you ,me  and the bed’s  ghost, there are three in our barrage
• Beware of  freaks offering lifts
• Beware the  lies of March
• Beyond poor, then?
• Beyond  the wail ,I heard a moan
• Between me and a hired nerd was a laptop on wheels
• As big as a house on speed
• As  heavy as a lead knife
• Big brother is snatching
• Blog freeze today
• A pig  flew from  the underground at Finsbury Park

The virgin Mary assumed it was heaven.
Jesus had no socks.
St Paul had a fit on the   road  to Erasmus.
St Peter portrayed Christ thrice.
St Peter  tried to hawk the water.
St John  had a  Word to offer.
The Jews are God’s people  because they saw the  Burning Bush before we did.I only felt it.
Prophets were turned into profits by Economists.
The Pope is advised by a  neon Arc Angel.
Jesus had twelve friends on Facebook.The pages were called  the Epistles.
St Paul was  so prolific he sent letters whenever he fancied it.That was before privatisation of the Toil Mail,of course.
The Romans were good at conkers and watching lions eat people.
The Cirque du Trialle.
History is  what we can find on old documents and barcodes.
God wanted his son to die.It was  pre-Oedipus.They could not both louvre the same lady
And she said,may your thrill begin on earth as it does in heaven

My friend told me if I wanted to get married again I should not tell the men I meet I was a mathematician.So I’ll have to stop saying :I am 5/8 Irish and 1/3 Anglo-Saxon and  1/48 Viking.
That doesn’t add up to one.
I never said I was an integer!
If you   give too much detail it puts them off.
How about  :I am 38-28-40?
Is that your Zip code?
No, it’s my vital statistics.
I should wait till you know them better.
When will that be?
After you get the diamond ring.And stop using numbers so much use words. Hang on:Hello, this is 07576339417.Hi.
That’s a funny phone number.
It  was the police.
How come they have your number?
I think it’s because  I told them you wanted to re-marry
Why tell the police, it’s not a crime.
I thought they might give you a job.
Why do I want a job?
To stop you getting married again.
But there are men in the police station.
You can’t marry them
Why not?
They are only coppers!

I’m so sensitive ,I get people fatigue even  when I am by myself.~
I’m so sensitive,I can hear other people’s hearts beating .It gives  me palpitations.
I was so  precocious I spoke before I could talk.
I am so attractive  I have to wear   a veil and cloak to keep men away
I love unattainable people  as true  intimacy  is  wearing.
I love myself because I need all the love I can get.
I am so frightened of being trapped under a dryer I cut my hair off  with the dressmaking scissors.Now it just needs a  wash  and breeze dry..
I did a test for autism.I heard I am off the spectrum.Why is it finite?
I’m not easily insulted as I feel a sense of deep shame  all the time.
I envy those with rubber skins.I’ll come back as a shark or a whale
I’m so  tentative I   keep waiting for others to make the first move,whatever that is.

http://pubs.usgs.gov/gip/dynamic/tectonic.html

Were the Ammonites a people or a stone?
Was the government of fossils on the roam?
Were the rocks and mountains rumbling
As the government were stumbling?
I’ve sent my resignation on a bone.

Was the Earthquake sent by demons  or mischance?
Were the stolen dinners appetising once?
Were the plates of this old earth
Asking what is human worth?
Was it  you who sold my poems by mischance?

Do we set the table with tectonic plates?
In New Zealand, do men call each other, mate?
Did we eat with silver cutlery
To show the world our subtlety?
I   bear in mind that I could  navigate.

We’ll be sitting down to  dinner with  the men.
We’ll be grateful as a sinner  is,Amen.
We’ll gladly serve our sentences
And weep to show repentance.
Then we’ll set off  nuclear dynamite again

Professor Rosa Benchez was in the staff-room at Mid-Rise-Jeans University collecting her mail and having coffee at 9.30  am on Monday morning after running 10 miles on her rowing machine.It rowed and she ran
How are you,Rosa? enquired Danny her  friend and colleague in the  School of Learning.
I’m feeling  extremely insignificant  today? she replied.I am giving a lecture on Semiotics and it’s those French people who use such idiotically complicated language.We all know that an object like a bird has to have a name before we can talk about it.
Well.,said Danny, I thought you’d just say,”In the pink” as  usual to my greeting,  so you must feel bad.Does each bird have to have its own name,he continued wonderingly?
Well,it depends on the context, she informed him  coolly and enigmatically.
First,if we are looking at birds as a class or set, they just need a name like “bird”.It could have been anything bit somehow it was” bird” that occurred like x  is used in algebra.We may just study one bird then we give it a number to identify it.That is its name
Danny gazed at her  beautiful bosom under her semi-transparent  pink blouse.Did  she dress like that on purpose  to provoke men or did she feel so insignificant that she didn’t realise anyone could see her purple  lace bra  and her green silk and wool thermal  vest with matching briefs, though fortunately they were invisible
Danny,I’m talking to you, she called sympathetically.Why are you quiet?
I dunno, the world  famous biologist replied.Maybe I am not quite here today.
You too,she murmured quietly ,like the stream in Little Walsingham by the ruined  Abbey.
Are you anxious about your lectures,she enquired softly and caringly?
No, not really ,he said tearing his eyes away from her  revealing clothing.
Is there a biological reason  why a scholar like Rosa would wear this unusually exciting outfit.
The truth was more mundane.Rosa bought her clothes in Sales and was indifferent to  the way men might feel seeing her like this.After all,did she notice if they wore  deep purple underpants that showed above their low rise jeans  or gold coins on a chain with matching earrings?
She only  looked at their faces while they naturally were drawn  to see what amazing  and colourful outfit she was wearing that day. and  what her lingeries looked like.
What did her partner feel?Had he left her for a woman who dressed in  thick beige  blouses and stockings with grey skirts?
To dress well takes time and Rosa did not give it enough although so far she had not lectured in a  string bikini nor an evening dress she had  found in  a jumble sale
These French people have made a fortune by re-labelling well know things  like birds as “signified”  and the word “bird” as a sign!
It reminded her of a sociologist who  got a large grant to see if women were more scared walking under a railway bridge at night if there were no streetlight there
The conclusion seems obvious.And that was what they proved “scientifically”
Statistics,numbers, that’s what journals want.
She went to her lecture room and turned on the lights.Eighty students gazed at her happily.She was the kindest and cleverest lecturer in the place.Take that how you will.
Now, she informed them,I  put 30 handouts in Dr Bevan-Finnish’s drawer  for the seminar but someone has stolen them, she said menacingly.I write these handouts and if they do not appear by noon ,nobody will get another one for the entire semester
With that, she turned to the blackboard and defined ” the signifier”
Well,it’s better than taking the insides out of chickens  on a conveyor belt she thought silently as she moaned on while the students took notes.
After lunch Rosa was in the staff room talking to some women  colleagues when Dr Bevan -Finnish came over,blushing dark  red as he approached.He said the handouts were back
Why  is he so shy, Rosa asked herself,not realising it was her outfit that provoked his blushes.And that is a very important thing to remember… whoever we are with  affects us so a bold man like Bevan-Finnish seemed shy when with Rosa whereas with another more sensibly dressed  woman he was quite at ease.
There may be a few men who are not affected this way but not many otherwise the human race would die out and then where would we be?Nowhere!
What a pity nobody tells a lady like Rosa the facts of life so   she goes about causing sinful longings in her colleagues quite oblivious.Even some of the women were getting affected but nobody dared to tell her.At least it drew  students  to her lectures and who knows, they might have learned some Linguistics as well.And it kept them off the streets.Which streets nobody knows.Yet!

The  Hundred Years Gore
The Six Day Bore.
The Grate War.
The French Evolution
The War of the Posies.
The Uncivil War
The Wall of Combs.
The Rum Kipper War
The Sewage Crisis.
The  Reckoned Year War.
The Battle of Roastings
The Gulf Whore
The Invitation of Dirac.
The Fall of Harris.
The War of  the Curls.

How are you feeling,the doctor asked plaintively

With my senses,I replied jocosely

No,I mean how is your body? he extrapolated.

You can see it better than me,I informed him 

as I got on to the couch.

But I can't feel it,he said languidly.

I shall permit you to feel it

I said in a kindly ruin of my  voice

He pressed my abdomen,but not with  a hot iron luckily

Owzat,I shouted politely.Not out yet

He said ,I think your organ is inflamed.

That is very rude,I told him with a garbled smile

I mean your bladder, he riposted   fluently

Has  it ever crossed your mind that we only  know  we have bladders

 because we read that in a book. I said in a puzzled tone.

Unless you are a surgeon,I continued courteously

We can see it on a scan, he said charmingly.

Well ,we  only have the word of a technician,I said logically

.
So are you telling me you don't believe you have a bladder

 he said with a Freudian  dignity

 only matched by that of a million psychoanalysts across the world.

I'll accept it as a hypothesis I said.

All that water must be stored somewhere though

 in  many older folk it is in their ankles,I resumed.

And now and then  people get water on the brain.

How does that get out? I enquired  in my intriguingly female tones.

I think we'll leave it there,he said.

That's no good.How about sticking a  canula into my brain 

to drain it,I suggested cleverly

Not on  the NHS,he called from behind his  screen

So  you want me to pay. I think I'll go home and do it myself,

I said rudely

Thank God, he screamed.

No,you thank him I said.I am phoning for a cab.

Can you give me a canula or two

If you don't leave I'll give you

 more than a canula he said vivaciously

What else is on offer, I demanded.

Knives,   anaesthetics,disinfectant?

He left the room and I never saw him again.

Just as we were getting on so well.

If it had been Leap Year 

I might even have proposed though what I have no idea.

Still I had no need for antibiotics which was a  blessing.

I called for a cab.got out opposite my house,slipped into gutter.

It gives one a new perspective although 

it was a mite unfortunate that a car was coming round the bend quite rapidly.

So It's goodbye from me.

You can pray to me unless you are a Protestant or are Jewish.

Tough luck.Just call me Saint from now on.

And so bray all of us