He said he was seasick, before Labour began

I’ m  from Croatia, how about you?
I talk with my crutches  that I bought in the zoo
The eagles were flying as if they might pray
I talked to God but he said  he can’t say
I  do like  this England , I grew up in Madrid
I should have been sad for my mother was dead
Croatia is stunning,I’ve seem my old man
He said he was seasick, before Labour began
I can’t vote in Elections, nor receive ready meals
My skin is still white but they say I will peel
Croatia’s my dream place, the mountains are steep
The sea it is blue as we know by the bleeps
I wish I was English, but it’s no use to  dream
I ‘m psychopathic   and abnormally clean
I’ve got attachment disorder, am I mentally ill?
I was nearly newborn when my mum  took  the pill
Humanae Vita, no  abortions allowed
No contraception as we’re all well endowed
The Pope gave his answers, we all disobeyed
Otherwise virtue is nobody’s game

Mental pain needs more than Panadol

The cherry tree   looks like a  parasol
I rest beneath  it on a neighbour’s wall
I  shall not tell of  hate  or love painful
The cherry tree   looks like   parasol
Mental pain needs more than Panadol
Today a hot blue sky is just symbol
Here no vultures fly nor magpies call
The cherry tree   looks like a  parasol
I sit beneath  it on a neighbour’s wall

Poetry for grief and healing

5230546_f248 (1)

https://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126282089&t=1558608220178

Extract:

Early in the collection, Young includes a poem, “Funeral Blues” by W.H. Auden, that was read at his father’s service. It begins:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.

It’s that ability — to express a feeling like the one that arrives quickly after the loss of a loved one — that poems like Auden’s wield.

“I think that’s a real part of grief that we sometimes aren’t able to talk about and I think that poetry talks about perhaps better than anything else,” Young tells NPR’s Renee Montange. “It’s able capture a moment, a feeling, perhaps a fleeting feeling, and even make — as that poem does — music out of it.”

What do we worship after God is dead?

What do we worship now when God is dead?
What golden calf or lover is adored?
No  holy book or ancient  prayer is read
Who do we worship now when God is dead?
We are lost  souls, oh urgent is our dread
What do we worship after God is dead?
By adverts, propaganda we are fed
Our mind  is  full, such images are stored
Which leader  may we worship  when God’s dead?
Who can make a structure, who restores?

Broken windows

 
Passing water into a small bottle for the doctor to have analysed is a task even the most brilliant find hard.Rosa  was not even  averagely  brilliant amongst the brilliants of history like Plato,Aristotle ,Simone de Boredwoy or Blaze Rascal not to mention St Coal,.
She grabbed her mobile as a dying man at his wife’s hand  and rang the cab service. she used now she was unable to see properly or ride her bike.
Hello,it’s Rosa Benchez here.Can a driver pick up my urine sample and take it to the surgery for me.Thank you so much.
No problem, the manager told her and soon afterwards a young man with dangling earrings arrived.She showed  him the sample hidden inside a Sainsbury’s shopping bag.He looked puzzled but agreed on payment of £259.89
She realised she had not eaten any breakfast so  decided to have an early lunch instead.As she ate her toasted cheese  and snake oil she fell into a daydream.She was with her  online man friend walking through a huge field of  her favourite flowers,cyclamen.They were walking along companionably without holding hands but together whilst also being apart which was delightful.
This was agreeable  since she had never met this very handsome  man in the flesh.He was called XY Matrix although his parents had never studied algebra as far as historians can tell.Could it be a pseudonym?
Maybe he was being raised to be a mathematical prodigy but he became a writer  and musician and managed to earn  a good income.He had a beautiful detached house filled with antiques and ceramic lamps like Freud’ study.In fact  he had copied that from historical photos and descriptions ; one day he hoped to become a therapist
Rosa and Fox as she called him got on well and shared a liking for poetry and music.Sometimes he had sent her music  as attachments on his emails.He seemed to love Wagner and Britten which seemed a curious combination to the British woman.He loved Britten’s Donne’s Sonnets sung by   the  stunning tenor Ian Bostridge.

After lunch, Rosa opened her laptop.She found an email from Fox.
You have been here and broken all my windows and my bath  is ruined, he wrote.I  am moving house to get away from you.And I am having  plastic windows.
Rosa was alarmed as it  defied  common sense.She did not know where his house was ;  it was in another country.So she emailed him back,
What is wrong , dear? You only said 2 days ago that my poetry had helped your sick friend when you went to visit him in the hospital
Waiting anxiously for his answer, she sipped some coffee and looked at her friend Dolly walk by, dressed in a pink suede jacket and black linen culottes with unmatching  red boots.
Where is Dolly going she wondered pensively  ,feeling like a cloud floating over Rydal Water in the winter not knowing which way the wind might blow it
After two hours  of  utter silence, she decided to wait until the evening when she had put away the  groceries and written a  triolet or two.She was  keen to do  it before she lost the  impetus
The whole evening went by so she emailed him again.But again he did not reply.
The next morning  she found a letter on the doormat.

 

1,Rancour Villas
Horror Lane
Dumbtown

Dear Rosa

I thought you would be kind and gentle like your poetry but you  have wounded me.
You asked me what date my dental appointment was which was an invasion of my privacy.
You  also told me you would not mind if  your son was gay whereas to me it is a sin  to indulge those sick appetites and you should not encourage him

Signed XY M

A dental appointment? It’s not as if she had asked him if  he had a sexually transmitted disease or whether he really believed in Jesus as his Saviour.Nor had she asked him if he liked  to smoke cigars in bed nor if he  let Lassie his sheepdog sleep on the bed and cuddle with him.For all she knew, the dog might be his partner or even his wife

She emailed him  as she felt anxious  in case he was having a breakdown.He replied,   saying she was not who he thought and he was finished with her.
I wonder who he thought I was, she asked herself as she sat   with tears in her eyes feeling concerned about what was really going on in his dear  mind.
Her cat Lucy ran up and sat on the arm of  the chair gazing frenziedly at her owner and mother
Don’t worry Lucy.I am sure I will soon  be ok. This must be a mistake.I think he has got paranoia which gets worse and then better
Rosa looked on Amazon and found a book called

Kantor MD, Martin

 

 Having read  a little of the book   online she decided it had some useful tips which could also apply to people who were not  paranoid , like always being polite, never telling lies and never arguing.As it was only £1899  she placed an order.If  her friend was really ill she did not want to make him worse.
On the other hand ,who   knows what his real motives might be?He could be a sadist or have got many women friends and not enough time to keep them all happy.
He might be gay and be using her to  see if he could love a woman at a distance better than one in the flesh.
We have to admit that often none of us know why we do certain things.As a friend used to say
It seemed a good idea at the time.
And so cry all of us.
.

I  feel I’m  more important than before

I  feel I’m  more important than  before
For no-one cared I lived here in my house
Now Google  spies on me  through my glass door

If I buy shoes from Clarks, they’ll tempt me more
Advertising frequently  and loud
I  feel I’m  more important than  before

If I  buy one new laptop, I need scores
How stupid is AI , and yet how proud
Now Google  spies on me  through my glass door

They know I’ve been to Boots but not what for
Soon they  will be spying via my mouse
I  glow, I’m  more important than  before

They steal as silently as none before
Even when I’m ironing  my spouse
See Google  spies on me  through my glass door

I   taught   what the laws of chance  allowed
I even taught my cat till she miaowed
By FBI and MI5   ignored
I   guess I’m  more important than  before

 

 

Watercolour love

Like watercolours left out in the rain
Our colours mingled,yet the originals still remain.
Two watercolour paintings without frames,
Became one picture over time,
Yet two of us still there.
Our colours blended naturally,
Now all the hues are shared.
I love your colours intermixed with mine:
Together they have made a new design.
My watercolour painted by the rain
We die but our Watercolour Love remains

Joining its reflection

pinkcatandsun
Two whole worlds.
One small cut.

One little chink.
Hard to find.
Very,very hard.
One small place
Where a very little cat
Could slip right through
The geometrician ‘s cut.
Cat could slip right through.
Just,slip straight through.
Joining it’s own reflection
On the opposite side.
The mirror’s other side.

And if I caught that tail,
If I caught her little tail,
She could pull me through,
She could pull me through,
So she and I too
We’d be on the other side,
The wrong way round,
On the opposite side.

So when you looked in,
If you looked in,
You would see me there,
Looking out at you,
From the opposite side.
From the opposite side.
And the cat beside
Looking very small,
Very,very small;
But very, very real.
How do you think you’d feel,
If I was looking out,
Staring at you
From the opposite side?

I can’t get back.
I can’t find Riemann’s cat
and without that pussy cat
I can’t find Riemann’s cut.
I think I’m in a trap.
I cannot find that cat.
So she can’t find the cut
To get me back,
She can’t bring me back
To where I was before.

Oh,how queer,
To have two of me in here.
I hope I’ll get on well
With my other self,
Behind the looking glass.
No one looking in,
But two are staring out.
From that other world.

I am looking out,
I’m looking out
To see if you are there.
One of you’s with me
That makes the total three.
Oh,dear me,
I should not have grabbed
Little pussy’s tail.
I didn’t really know
Where she meant to go.

“Wherever have you been?
Where do you think you’ve been
To get so filthy black,
And where’s your pussy cat?”
She never came back.
Never came back
From the opposite side.
Mother thought I’d lied.
I don’t tell lies,
But I can see my cat
Staring out at me.
Staring out at me
From the other side.
From the opposite side
Of my looking glass.
My lovely looking glass
Has trapped my tiny cat
On the opposite side.
On the opposite side
On the other side

A new name for Rosa?

p1000273-23p1000273-2

It is a truth totally unacknowledged  by human beings that Professor of Linguistics and  Word Mismanagement Rosa Benchez hates her own name.It is for this reason, she is keen to get married.Unfortunately ,her only suitor is Charlie Blogge. the well known TV biology  expert
Does Rosa Blogge sound any better, she asked her friend Amy Panicker.
I find it hard to judge ,Amy answered. Ar least it’s not Bloggess. But there is another answer.
Rosa and her cat Lucy looked up expectantly.
Go on tell  us!
Change your first name.Have you got any other name besides Rosa? Don’t say Wooden or Iron,I beg you.
Rosa looked surprised.
In a way that is harder emotionally,she began, because that’s what all my friends and family call me
They must have been dim to call you Rosa, Amy cried.
Don’t say that.Who wants to be compared to a light bulb?
Well ,who wants to be compared to rows of benches? Amy retorted.
Well. grandad was called I.Ron Benchez. Rosa shouted.He was from the USA.
Thank God ,he is not the President,Amy smiled
I think that is stupid.The name of the person has no bearing on how they can lead a government.
Well,how about Trump? Is it a real name or did they pick it from knowing the word trump from card games,Amy asked quietly
I  have no idea,said Rosa.I shall look it up now
Wow, you have a new iPhone!
Charlie gave it to me,Rosa confessed shyly, blushing dark pink
You had better check whether he  is tracking you, Amy told her anxiously.You never know what men will do nowadays.
But can’t you track folk on Samsungs or Nokia Lumias? said Rosa in  her mellow voice.
I don’t think it is very romantic to give a lady  a smartphone instead of some jewellery,Amy cried.
You can sell jewellery but who wants a second-hand iPhone.
As a matter of fact ,some old Nokias from the 90’s are now worth a few hundred pounds
So if you have one keep it unless your  home is already overflowing with collections of pens,watches old newspapers and cats like my friend Percival’s, Rosa retorted.
Percival? what  is his last name?
Joyce.Rosa whispered.He is related to the writer James Joyce.
Rosa Joyce…. how does that sound?
Well as you know any word you keep repeating begins to sound odd and the same is true of names.Even the nicest name like Katherine With-Doubt begins to sound odd when  delivery men ask you for it.
Are you with doubt? one had asked her, she told me
Who is without doubt?  she had replied courteously.
Who indeed said the clever Polish doctor working in the UK  delivering stuff for Amazing,dot com.He lives round the corner: Thom Without-Doubt
Thank God you are not called that.
Amy asked Rosa if she could make a pot of tea.They sat in the old orange walled kitchen eating cream crackers and cheese and sipping hot tea.
Lucy was eating some cat biscuits and suddenly   had a good idea
Why don’t you and I swap names, she mewed to Rosa with a  loving smile.
Do you know,said Rosa, I am so fed up with names I shall change mine to a number if we carry on like this
Do you think 678 Benches sounds any better,giggled Amy.
I was thinking more of a name like Platonic form or pyramid
How does Platonic Benchez sound. Or Platonic Blogge?
And so ask  all of us.

The trauma of facing deportation

bonfire surrounded with green grass field
Photo by Vlad Bagacian on Pexels.com

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/04/03/the-trauma-of-facing-deportation

Extract:

She believes that people cannot be truly healthy unless they have trygghet, a word that in English translates as “security” but which has a broader meaning in Swedish: trust, a sense of belonging, freedom from danger, anxiety, and fear. The modern Swedish welfare state was built on the idea that it must safeguard trygghet for its citizens, minimizing the risks to which they are exposed. “Security is the most basic foundation of the individual,” the Swedish minister of social affairs explained, in 1967. “Nothing good has ever come out of insecurity.”

If any man proposed,I’d feel a blow

I do not need a diamond ring I know
Once the final treasure of a wife
But wish to entertain with  trumpet show

But missing an engagement, I feel low
I’m down and out, I have no proper life
I do not need a diamond ring ,oh,no.

If any man proposed,I’d feel a blow
Here I see   young Hamlet and his knife
I   wish for grandeur from Chanel cologne

My long gone children haunt me as I sew
I mend  the world, I wish to do it thrice
We do not need a diamond -horn to blow

I shall be humbled by the summer snow
The ice upon my cake is thick and white
I   wish for heat , wish for the sun to glow

Shall Jehovah come to earth and smite
Those who hurt by envy and by strife?
I do  not need that ring but love  alone
I wish to entertain  with fun and groans

Sadness in its force has an allure

The memory of my loss still gives me pain
I do not wish to feel it  anymore
The butterfly is   battered once again

The waiting with its vigilance is strained
As if a monster shuffles to my door
The memory of my loss,  oh heart of pain

Who for love will risk this sadness named?
Who  is criticised  for spirits poor?
The butterfly, the storm will come again

Life is hard and  wildness can’t be tamed
Sadness in its force has  an allure
The memory of my loss still gives me pain

Leaving Sodom,  salt dissolves in rain
I must look forward with a vision pure
The butterfly find pleasure once again

The loss of movement  we may  each endure
The ills of age won’t have a final cure
The memory of my loss  will fade with time
The fluttering flower  gives joy  yet has no fame

 

The philosophy of poetry

parthenon athens greece
Photo by Josiah Lewis on Pexels.com

https://philosophynow.org/issues/114/The_Philosophy_of_Poetry

Extract:

In his introduction to this collection of essays, its editor John Gibson tells us that the emphasis here is on modern poetry. In modern poetry, meaning is latent rather than overt, or is put into question, and any sense of narrative or anecdote is fractured or subverted. For Gibson, any theory based on the concept of narrative would be inapplicable to poetry in the modernist paradigm. (It is pertinent to point out that most poetry, whether of the past or of the present, doesn’t obey this paradigm.) Yet, if we need different philosophical theories for each different genre, style, or period of poetry (which, after all, are scarcely watertight categories), this doesn’t say much for the scope of theory. We are led inexorably from the generalities of the philosopher theorizing about a particular artform, to the specifics of the literary critic giving an account of a particular poem. In practice, regardless of Gibson’s strictures, many of the contributors to this volume are happy to generalize about poetry as such.

 

Lonely blue

Cyclamen-2019

I bought sweet cyclamen and thought of you
Wandering through wild poppies  by my side
I don’t know where to put them,they might die.
Then I would feel so sad and lonely blue
All we read of pain and love is true.
Yet we let our hearts stay open wide
I bought sweet cyclamen,remembered you
Wandering through wild meadows  by my side.
I have loved not widely but a few
I have touched on bliss  and when it flies
I have touched the grief that truly  lies
I bought  these cyclamen,oh, where are you?

How to ruin a laptop

Eat your dinner from the  open keyboard
Drink beer while typing
For a touchscreen,use a fork to move the cursor
Hit  the keyboard if you are angry
Keep the teapot nearby and hold your cups over the laptop
Watch violent films and spit as far as you can before hitting your head on the screen
Never close the lid and never clean the keyboard
Keep it in the kitchen next to the microwave
Keep it in the fridge with  raw bacon in between the screen and keyboard
Use it as a doorstop
Carry it about with you without a bag or cover
Hit people on the bus with it and refuse to apologise.

I’d be afraid of  a nuclear accident in my chest

She thought she’d like to be a poet
Calculating her vocabulary was ironic
She wrote free verse in stanzas three lines long
With a short intermission
She learned innocent  and good people
Attract the Evil and that even people who have suffered
Are not less susceptible to wanting power or worship
She learned idolatry is rampant  in men of power
“Men” is naturally inclusive
As you will know if you went to Eton
Or even to Mass in 1956
Why would I want Jesus’s soul even if he is God?
I’d be afraid of  a nuclear accident in my chest
There’s danger around the sacred,we need to know
Satan did have the best lines
Jesus did not answer the questions
We had no right to ask.
I find it’s useful to work with abstract concepts
Otherwise I might suffer too much
Whatever “too much” is
It could be epsilon or delta, you know what I mean?
Isaac Newton.Mercury.The dentist.
Leibniz’ dots.Whatever

He sent the Word, but who can hear the Dead?

The evil  leader  wants to be our god
Controlling thinking, focusing our needs
He rules  us with  the fearsome gun and  rod

Hitler drew the adulation of the crowd
At Nuremberg his ego swelled in greed
The evil tyrant  wants to be a god

With distant face, God heard the violent sound
But from the human world he long has fled
Hitler’s people worshipped what they found

God dwells in his grave now, underground
He sent the Word, but who can hear the Dead?
The evil  man identifies as god

In Church they took Christ’s body in their mouths
Their souls were never present as He bled
Hitler’s human  sacrifices spread

From the Pulpit Jesus’ words were read
As gas destroyed the Jews, where was the threat?
The evil  leader  deigns to be our god
He offers Heaven,  Hell is made instead

 

Writing tablets?

1* Writing tablet
1* Stylus

Precautions:
1.Do not violent writing, will damage the screen affect the writing effect.
2.Products avoid water, avoid using sharp objects scratch the screen.
3.Clean with clean cloth when cleaning.
4.When replacing the battery, please use the battery that matches the battery.
5.Age of application: over 3 years of age.

 

img_20190510_163338-1

 

I’m over 3 years old, I must confess
Will violent writing help me to express
The rage of Brexit, Union Jack
The hatred of the Jew and Black
The Muslim woman answering back
The anorexic culture thwack ?
I’m over 3 years old ,  and nappyless
Are we depressed
I think you guessed

 

Spiritual poetry

36064355_1156369647836245_7488378942043193344_nhttps://www.poetryfoundation.org/articles/68606/spiritual-poetry

 

“The root of “spirit” is the Latin spirare, to breathe. Whatever lives on the breath, then, must have its spiritual dimension— including all poems, even the most unlikely. Philip LarkinSylvia PlathWilliam Carlos Williams: all poets of spiritual life. A useful exercise of soul would be to open any doorstop-sized anthology at random a dozen times and find in each of the resulting pages its spiritual dimension. If the poems are worth the cost of their ink, it can be done.

But, no, I’ve been asked to choose, to recommend. The poems I suggest here are this moment’s choices, not “the best spiritual poems” (a phrase weighing nothing in so intimate and personal a context). The “gates” are an equally personal selection of entrance points into spiritual life. Some of the poems are well known, others less so. “

I see your face,  you disappear again

The blank paged notebooks where you  used to write
First with pencil then with ballpoint pen
The Freeling novels you read in the night

These special objects bring you to my sight
I see your face,  you disappear again
To blank paged notebooks where you  used to write

The reading lamp showed in its small clear light
Your telephone, your desk, your writing plan
The Freeling novels you read in the night

My heart feels strange, my feelings re- ignite
The fires of love quelled by the sudden rain
Oh, blank paged notebooks where you  used to write

I did not let you go without a fight
But once accepted, I endured the pain
I read the  books that you read in the night

The force that makes the  wheat produce its grain
Also kills   as freely as blood stains
In blank paged notebooks where you  used  to write
Where  do you read  now in  endless night?

 

Let me be the caller who is heard

Let me touch your mind with silk, with words
Let me feel your colour, let me sing
Let me be the artist who is heard

Let me see the  heartfelt  flight of birds
Let me catch you with my golden ring
Let me touch your mind with silk ,with words

Let my love be judged as wild, absurd
Let me see the lightness of your wings
Let me be the artist who is heard

Let me be stirred up by what occurs
Let the bee live even when it stings
Let me feel your mind with silk,with words

Let me be no noun,I am a verb
Let the sunset come and darkness bring
Let me be the caller who is heard

Let me hold you close and comfort bring
Let me love you little, let me long~
Let me touch your mind with silk,with words
Let me  wander  with the music heard

 

Lyric connections- Sarah Howes

img_20180224_172908
By Katherine

Essay: The Feel of Thinking – Sarah Howe on lyric connections and incisions

Extract

What might it mean for a poet to ‘feel’ his or her ‘thought’? Eliot championed the so-called ‘metaphysical’ poets of the seventeenth century for their efforts ‘to find the verbal equivalent for states of mind and feeling.’ Such poets are marked out, for Eliot, by their ‘rapid association of thought’, giving rise to a sensibility that can discern connections between such disparate experiences as falling in love, reading Spinoza, the noise of a typewriter and the smell of cooking. Eliot’s penultimate item always reminds me of those lines from Ashbery’s ‘Paradoxes and Oxymorons’: ‘And before you know / It gets lost in the steam and chatter of typewriters’. It’s just like Ashbery to transform the sound of purposive writerly activity into consciousness’s white noise.

In a fascinating essay on Donne and modern cognitive science, AS Byatt argues that Donne does indeed feel his thought, but what he makes his readers feel is less Eliot’s odour of the rose than ‘the peculiar excitement and pleasure of mental activity itself’. She wonderfully dubs Donne a ‘glassy’ poet, since glass is something you can look at and through simultaneously (incidentally the very property of glass that makes it such a choice vehicle for metaphysical conceits). Among the moderns, Byatt attributes similar qualities to Wallace Stevens – think only of the perceptual conundrums of ‘The Glass of Water’: ‘In the metaphysical,’ that poem claims, ‘there are these poles’. For her, what the poems of Donne and Stevens offer is not sensations per se but the ‘process of sensing’, not concepts but the ‘idea of the relations of concepts.

Can true love be gained by deception

Can true love be gained by deception?
Will rage never change our perceptions?
Be thoughtful and pray
Be aware of today
Then  you may need  no correction

Can true love bring harm  in its wake?
Can lovers live purely in cake?
There are no general laws
But think and give pause
We are what we love and we hate.

Does hatred exist  before love?
The eagle may kill  the  white dove
The  child uncaressed
Will never be blest
Oh,God, send sweet rain from above

Stan and logic

  • 5448fbf9-936c-45bb-9894-c05d6e6bd2b0Stan was leaning over, cleaning the  new bath.When the doorbell rang,he rushed downstairs and opened the  double front door.
    “Will you take this parcel in for the lady next door?” The postman asked wearily.
    “Oh,fine Stan stuttered.He was trying to avoid Annie but here she was,coming down the road of superior semi detached houses suitable for ex-headmasters ,small businessmen,econometricians,surgeons,pie salesmen and  theologians.
    She was wearing perfume, and green sandals from TK Maxx,light khaki tencel cropped combat trousers with a purple silky over-blouse, not to mention her matching raspberry  and cream underwear .Round her neck hung a miniature grandfather clock on a solid gold chain,and she had three  imitation gold and silver watches on each  of her three wrists making a total of 333 watches according to Carnap’s theory of logic and Russell’s terrible handwriting. Stanley didn’t know that she had a mobile phone stuffed into her bra—one advantage for the larger sized woman.In fact she had 4 down there in her raspberry coloured glamour bra,as she had a phobia about their batteries running down all at once
    The more she had the lower the probability of her being without a phone whilst out and about the town and countryside.So she reasoned in her womanly  way. Just then one  phone rang.She rummaged around to the consternation  and turmoil-uation of Stanley and the postman.She plucked out a pale blue phone.
    “Hi,it’s Annie” she murmured.
    “Hi Annie it’s Dave the paramedic with  carpentry skills. You’ve not rung 999 lately so we were wondering if all was well!”
    “Oh,I’m terribly sorry.I’ll try to phone later on.Thanks,Petal.That was Dave,our ex-transvestite converted paramedic”,she informed the men.The postman galloped off on his donkey, his bags full of undelivered males.It’s a tough but interesting life in Knittingham. Would you like a male delivery?Contact Parcel Force without delay.
    Annie went into Stan’s house and demanded a cup of coffee.
    “Won’t it make you put weight on” Stan quipped ironically.
    “Do you think I’m too plump?” she responded anxiously..
    “Too plump for what?” he quipped amiably.
    “To attract men,of course!”
    “No,my angel,you are just perfect”he quacked definitively.”Nor are you an angel,strictly speaking,as I have good reason to know.Thank you,my beloved for services rendered so generously and freely.”
    “Oh,my goodness I must get home to render the fat from the beef and to make some gooseberry jam.” Stanley looked uneasy.
    “I wonder why babies are left under gooseberry bushes?
    The thorns are so big it’s quite dangerous getting them out,or so Mary told me when Lyra was born. She was covered in scratches and wouldn’t come near me for months.”
    “Why don’t you come upstairs to look at our new purple bathroom suite.Since the Royal Wedding it’s the in colour.The gold taps were expensive but they do go well.”
    “My God,let me out.” she bawled,”It reminds me of the Vatican and that’s no place for a lady”,
    “Not even a gay lady?” Stan muttered parsimoniously, as he licked her eyelashes gently.
    “Stop that.I’ve got my Yves St Laurent mascara on.”
    “I prefer the taste of the Chanel,”he disclosed privately in an internal  secret memo.[available on 50 years]
    “Why not lick my neck instead?” she enquired curiously as she tripped over Emile the cat, who had slipped into the bathroom as usual  to see what they were up to,you know what I mean, you catch my drift?
    She fell floppily into the bath and banged her head on the taps.
    “Oh,gosh,better ring 999” Stan said to Emile.
    “Have you got your catphone warehouse mobile on you?”
    “Yes ,it’s in my y-fronts”, the cat amiably miaowed.
    “Hi Dave,this is Emile.Can you come quick.Annie is unconscious and what is worse,she has scratched the new bath.”
    In fact it was Emile who had scratched the bath that morning but since Stan had not noticed he hoped to, callously, pass the blame onto poor  Annie.How cruel can a cat be?  Ask any mouse! Still in the end God made all of us and what a  terrifying and beautiful world it is.