https://jamesclear.com/evolution-of-anxiety

https://medium.com/mind-cafe/how-to-stop-always-wanting-more-a3e6fe82d2a7#id_token=eyJhbGciOiJSUzI1NiIsImtpZCI6IjE3MjdiNmI0OTQwMmI5Y2Y5NWJlNGU4ZmQzOGFhN2U3YzExNjQ0YjEiLCJ0eXAiOiJKV1QifQ.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.Ur1zZm4mWMLwgmx14ws_M7pzbZrnwk_gC19JXGvly3492ODDXWYUux7qg1g2J81Q8P3D_FvvPySXNVGDroYYmYRsNPFHS_M8xQ6qf-0vqKHfsnc2tf7qeDlpcaKBy5e89GeTwp70QU5NTnYefp7CJ2YZUZY4U7qu9vl4ZUGwsv3FP46MYzdHFUlI16E8ZTEd7ZiGNjPpkGwNntfVhVLyJ65prfLQZudsYv7HyCjqO8ltcPWAgebW2wCfG4VGBV75hVnXIylc7RJSJJNhP5XYcuxl56nWvNH5N5bMhscIyraQG9rQ3YhxFUzLYN0dVHZOKOAqbekT4neWwfwy9MnSQQ

As Mary walked down the stairs on Friday, she felt her beautiful skirt of many colours slipping off her body and almost reaching the floor. Mary wondered if she had lost weight but she could not see any difference when she looked into the mirror
Maybe it has stretched at the waist .I hope it won’t fall off when I am walking down the street, Mary thought, especially when I’m in the town
What are you doing ,mewed Emile her little black cat?
I’m not doing anything,she replied .I’m just trying to walk down the stairs and my skirt is slipping.
Pull it up said Emile an unkind tone
She replied tactfully,yes I will when I get to the bottom of the stairs but soon her skirt fallen off completely .She was wearing only a brown silk petticoats and a pair of teal coloured tights.
You look cute, Emile said. Maybe you don’t need to wear a skirt, you can wear a petticoat instead,
Thank you very much ,said Mary but the weather is very cold and a silk petticoat is not warm enough for going into the town. I suppose I could put a very warm long coat over the top. Suppose I went into a restaurant and felt too hot then I would have to take off my coat and then everybody would see my petticoat.
Life is made up of Conundrums like this ;the secret is not to start thinking this way in the first place;once you do this is very hard to stop.
Mary’s friends say to her. Are you sleeping alright or how are you sleeping?
Mary never answers because she knows that if you start thinking about pthis a lot it’s not good for you as you can spend all day worrying about whether you are going to be able to sleep that night.
We have no control over our sleep, she pondered , but we can’t afford ruminating as it causes mental illness according to some scientists and doctors.
Rumination cuts people off from the world as they are always looking inside themselves.
Similarly being a perfectionist is very bad for you because again you’re not thinking about the work that you’re producing and enjoying it you are always wondering is this good enough or shall I start again oh I am so stupid etc
It is possible ,Mary has found, to control what you allow yourself to think about.
You can cut your thought off before it gets going.Anything that makes you keep thinking about yourself will create a wall around you . Other people can detect this wall; it makes them avoid you.
In general, we should have a few walls as possible both internal and externalJ
Just then the doorbell rang. it was Annie the ex-mistress of Mary ‘s late husband Stan.
Hello, she cried, how do you like my new coat?
Don’t tell me you’ve got another one ,Mary sighed
I didn’t buy it, Annie murmured. That sweet lady who lives opposite told me that she has put on a lot of weight so she can’t wear this anymore ; she asked me if I would like it
But you have already got about 20 Mary said, but I like this one .It’s a lovely colour; is it what we call teal or is it Kingfisher Blue?
I don’t know but it seems to match my other clothes and and you know I do like a change.
You prefer just to have one coat and wear it all the time, unless you are going out to your special functions, then you might wear your best coat ,which is the brown one isn’t it which Stan used to like because he said it hung well.
Yes he did like that very much and I was wearing it only yesterday as it is very warm. I would like to have more clothes like you do but I seem to be too busy to go shopping.
Annie gazed up with her large round eyes upon which she was wearing turquoise and magenta eyeshadow and bright blue mascara which clashed with her purple lipstick from East Saint Lawless.
That purple lipstick doesn’t match your coat nor your eyeshadow Mary told her
Well I think that a perfect costume puts men off .So it’s better to do something wrong and anyway a lot of men are colour blind so they won’t know that it’s the wrong shade of lipstick. I think that coral would look better and I shall buy some next time I go into the term because teal and coral look very nice together .Purple is good with blues.
Actually, Mary said ,purple make you look as if you’ve got heart disease or anaemia.
Thanks a lot, shouted Annie. What kind of friend are you?
I am an honest friend ,Mary replied in a warm voice.I think that I don’t often say things which distress you but sometimes knowing that you would like to meet another man I feel impelled to give you my point of view.
That’s very kind of you said Annie but I think now I am too old to find a man who wants a mistress because a younger man could get a younger mistress and an older man may be past bothering about mistresses and love and such things.And where can I find one,anyway.
I don’t agree, said Mary I think if you look very nice a man may be very proud to take you out and have you hanging from his arm like a trophy even if he is not able to proceed very far with bodily love. After all ,everybody likes someone to talk to and some companionship ;someone to help them out when they are feeling unwell.As long as that is it is mutual I don’t see anything wrong with it.
The two women stared out of the window and saw a wood pigeon on the shed.Maybe it’s better to be a bird,Mary thought aimlessly before she put on the kettle for a lovely cup of tea and some chocolate fingers.Tea is the best drink in the world or at least in Knitingham

Mary thought she chad ordered all of her groceries but she forgot to put tea. on the list So she sent Emile to the corner shop with a note tied to his collar
Please give the bearer your best tea. Use your judgement
Emile went off.He managed to get into the shop after children who were getting sweets with their pocket money or debit cards
He went up to the counter and mewed,Mother has sent you a note.
One of the children laughed
Is your mother a girlfriend of Mr Kumar?
No, she is not,Emile growled with a loud throbbing voice
Mr Kumar led Emile behind the counter into his living room and spoke to his wife
She asked Emile to sit down as she went into the kitchen and poured him some tea from her China teapot
.Do you want it on a saucer, she enquired thoughtfully?
Yes, please,said Emile.This is very kind.
He leaped onto the rug and began sipping the Ceylon tea.This makes a change, he murmured.
I didn’t know you could just walk in and get free tea!
After a few minutes the shop door crashed open and he heard Mary’s voice
Oh,Mr Kumar,I am so stupid.I sent Emile out to buy some Twinings tea and he has not come home!What shall we do? She started crying and dabbing her eyes with Stan’s hanky.
Come through, he whispered politely.Do not weep,dear.All is well
Mary came in and saw Emile drinking his tea and winking at Mrs Kumar.
Emile, you stupid cat.I was going crazy worrying.I’ll strangle you!
Is it my fault, he replied.I only gave them that note you sent.
But is it not obvious what I intended? she said plaintively
These days you never know, the cat muttered.I try to be obedient as far as I can.
Mrs Kumar came out and gave Mary a cup of tea.
Sit down,dear.Worry is so bad for you.Why did you not phone us?
Since it was just a packet of tea I thought Emile could carry it.He is very intelligent normally.
Yes,I am, thought Emile as he looked at Maisie, the Kumar’s lovely cat who was asleep on a chair.
I wonder if I can waken her up, he asked himself.
Does she drink tea?
Would she like to start a family.It’s not too late for me to become a parent.
Maisie opened her eyes
What’s that cat doing here?
I onlt came for the tea,Emile told her.But you look very beautiful.Shall we meet tonight
I’m washing my fur, she told him with a smile
How about tomorrow?
Have you got a phone?
No, he said,I’ll just caterwaul at 9 pm and if you are free I’ll be under the red maple tree waiting for you
Good grief,thought Mary.
This cat is very cunning.Just one chance and he is making the most of it.
Mr Kumar gave her some tea and she wandered home in a daze after asking them for a drink on Sunday.
My social life is looking up but there’s noone who will hug me any more
Well Emile would but his legs are too short!

I should have bought a donkey instead.

Or in addition.I am lonely without Stan

I saw the dust motes singing in soft air
The yellow grey, the light where nothing’s clear
The silent chorus hurts me as I stare

The heart feels unprotected, as if bare
Only when we’re lonely are we here
I saw the dust motes dancing in soft air

The little things we don’t see till we care
The eyes that signal bring to birth our fear
The silent chorus gabbles as I stare

The Essex fields are huge like mass despair
Yet summer poppies bright make them so dear
I saw the dust motes dancing on fresh air

Life is like a vehicle we steer
Yet unseen hands in wisdom change the gear
I heard the dust motes singing in soft air
The small still chorus tells me what to dare

Hackney marshes, sheep may safely graze

He boarded the wrong train which caused delay

He went to Chingford for a holiday

Essex is so posh,can people pray?

He got home rather late, his mind was frayed

Give him wine his face is rather grey

Americans, It’s Time to Get Comfortable With Platonic Touch https://nyti.ms/2RDyBZE

Affection is no sin it should bring joy

The hand that’s held is very well employed.

A swollen heart will shed its store of tears.

Soothed too is the mind from withheld fears

Oh does your body ache for lack of touch?

Do you feel angry when you go to church

They say we have five senses we could use.

Touch me with your Love my heart is bruised

Platonic Love https://nyti.ms/1kQxtLY

We praise common sense with black humour

We hope not to make any bloomers.

He got into the tent

As if it was meant

Like a surgeon removing a tumour

Without perception who can do much good?

We do not even do that which we could.

Blinded by our egoistic fears,

All attempts at virtue end in tears..

Try to walk in someone else’s shoes

New perspectives new and broader views

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/28/opinion/the-trick-to-being-more-virtuous.amp.html

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/07/opinion/happiness-joy-emotion.html

4l

Happiness usually involves a victory for the self. Joy tends to involve the transcendence of self. Happiness comes from accomplishments. Joy comes when your heart is in another. Joy comes after years of changing diapers, driving to practice, worrying at night, dancing in the kitchen, playing in the yard and just sitting quietly together watching TV. Joy is the present that life gives you as you give away your gifts.

The core point is that happiness is good, but joy is better. It’s smart to enjoy happiness, but it’s smarter still to put yourself in situations where you might experience joy.

People receive joy after they have over-invested in their friendships. The thing the wisest people say about friendship is this:

Lovers stand face to face staring into each other’s eyes. But friends stand side by side, staring at the things they both care about. Friendship is about doing things together. So people build their friendships by organizing activities that are repeated weekly, monthly or annually: picnics, fantasy leagues, book clubs, etc.

https://godblog.org/

After you read this book review you will understand the United States better because the violent religion which is the setting for these novels it will give us an idea about the days of Donald trump another aspect of life In The USA

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/07/style/confidence-culture-book.html

When the sun was coming higher in the sky

And little green leaves unfolding like petals

I thought I could open in the hot sun and feel the air on bare skin

But you didn’t want me to, you wanted me to fold another way

Like forged banknotes curl over in the fire and mother puts the kettle on.

The descent of the sun is too fast and to precipitate

Go slow go slow sun

0 those at the river by the dry stone wall

They will see it all

The stars little eyes in the sky

The moon sings why?

The burn summer grass can’t reply

And the evening sighs

I don’t know where it catches you

Is it the throat or the heart that breaks as it speaks?

On the dry stone wall she’s sitting she’s so tall

Too eager,that speed can destroy

Desire overburdens when the fire is too total too hot

And field mice hide in the wainscot

Sacramental ,love must be offered free where it can be found

And the trees moan in the stiff breeze a high sound

0h the niece decree is truly as absolute

As the swaying trees sing like a ship on the sea

S many people will drown in this English history

Lenovo is here

Can you speak English?

I can but I won’t.

You make me very angry sometime

No you make yourself hungry because you make too many demands for perfection

Well can’t we be perfect?

You mind might be but your bowels may be up The creek.

What sort of creak.

Welt how many sorts of creek are there?

A creak is the name for a noise that furniture makes or wooden floorboards when people walk on the more pushing it’s a bit like a squeak but looks more deep. In soubd

Lenovo is a computer manufacturer not a person all it’s possible that there are some peace in the world who I called by the phone name but I haven’t met my them.

0 let’s sing god didn’t make little green apples

I don’t like green apples I prefer red ones but I like greengages

Why do you think that I am interested in that?

Well it’s a test.

So why don’t you eff off?

I would rather g off.

And I’d rather have a cough goodbye

When the fruit has rotted on the stalk
Bruised and broken like the lost in need
When  leaders meet  but rarely truly talk
When children caught in cross fire lie and bleed

Don’t we see God’s Kingdom is a joke?
One hundred million deaths in two world wars
Not quick death but tortured bodies broke
They lost once and  love dies in their gore

Utopia, evolution, grandiose plans
Sacrifice yourself for those to come
We saw  the  little children hand in hand
Ground mines blew them up, they could not run

One thing’s clear, God’s here or not at all
The  future’s fiction, theatre   forms  the soul

If ¹111 heaven is full of peace and love and joy then I can tell you you there are not many human beings in there.

A valid argument would need each side to treat the other with absolute respect

As far as We know valid arguments are very very rare.

And valid

Valid arguments in the United Kingdom do not take place in the House of commons

Samsung and Delilah

If only Eve had not bought an apple  iPhone

Yahoo punished Adam severely

Was Asus the son of God too?

God said, why are you here, you liar?

Elijah invented Intel,computers and chips. but not pizza

I’ll be judge and I’ll be jury,said cunning old Fury

I have seen the Light on Google Drive

The Cloud of Unknowing is not a good place to save your poetry

He filed me under “wonder” on One Drive

One Drive,One G-d, One World

Where is Ogle Drive?

Yeshua did many lyricals.He was Leonard Cohen,we have found to our surprise

The still small choice

Electrocuted grass won’t improve your garden

Grass can’t be shocked into a new groove

And trampling doesn’t work with people

The thunderstorm put the wildfires out

Could we not have something more local?

The eyeless head of the worm stings our eyes.

The rain lingers as if smiling.

Where do we go from here?

Ignoring a Text Message or Email Isn’t Always Rude. Sometimes It’s Necessary. https://nyti.ms/3I7UKnU

I lused to worry about what life was for – now being alive seems sufficient reason.

Marion Milner

https://www.nytimes.com/2021/05/26/crosswords/essay-puzzles-bates.html

Y

1. Choices: – Studies indicate perfectionism is associated with the decision making process of maximization (Bergman, Nyland & Lawerence, 2007). This is looking for the most optimal outcome when it comes to making a decision. The perfectionist wants to make the perfect choice. The combination of perfectionism and New York City can be problematic because of the abundance of options. What therapist should I choose? Who should I date? What job do I take? The perfectionist weighing these options can become exhausted, experience self-doubt and fantasies of the road not traveled. They are hyper aware of all the possibilities. Too many choices can lead to inaction (Iyengar, & Lepper 2000). Non-action and indecisiveness can contribute significantly to depression.

https://www.drbrustein.com/2015/12/why-new-yorkers-are-so-depressed-the-role-of-perfectionism/

YAvoid Black and White Thinking: This type of thinking is extreme and puts experiences into broad categories as either good or bad. There is no middle ground or grey area. For example, the perfectionist who make a mistake may view themselves as total failure. A more realistic, balanced perspective would be to avoid globally defining yourself by a situation. A mistake does not define who you are in totality. Making a mistake does not mean you are incompetent. Every successful person makes mistakes.

1. 3 Choices: – Studies indicate perfectionism is associated with the decision making process of maximization (Bergman, Nyland & Lawerence, 2007). This is looking for the most optimal outcome when it comes to making a decision. The perfectionist wants to make the perfect choice. The combination of perfectionism and New York City can be problematic because of the abundance of options. What therapist should I choose? Who should I date? What job do I take? The perfectionist weighing these options can become exhausted, experience self-doubt and fantasies of the road not traveled. They are hyper aware of all the possibilities. Too many choices can lead to inaction (Iyengar, & Lepper 2000). Non-action and indecisiveness can contribute significantly to depression.

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection

T

The link between physical and social pain might sound surprising, but it makes biological sense, DeWall says. “Instead of creating an entirely new system to respond to socially painful events, evolution simply co-opted the system for physical pain,” he says. “Given the shared overlap, it follows that if you numb people to one type of pain, it should also numb them to the other type of pain.”

Lashing out

Being on the receiving end of a social snub causes a cascade of emotional and cognitive consequences, researchers have found. Social rejection increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy and sadness. It reduces performance on difficult intellectual tasks, and can also contribute to aggression and poor impulse control, as DeWall explains in a recent review (Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2011). Physically, too, rejection takes a toll. People who routinely feel excluded have poorer sleep quality, and their immune systems don’t function as well as those of people with strong social connections, he says.

Even brief, seemingly innocuous episodes of rejection can sting. In one recent study, Williams, Eric Wesselmann, PhD, of Purdue University, and colleagues found that when participants passed a stranger who appeared to look “through” them rather than meeting their gaze, they reported less social connection than did people who made eye contact with a passing stranger (Psychological Science, 2012).

In fact, it’s remarkably hard to find situations in which rejection isn’t painful, Williams says. He wondered whether people would be hurt if they were rejected by a person or group they disliked. Using his Cyberball model, he found that African- American students experienced the same pain of rejection when they were told that the people rejecting them were members of the Ku Klux Klan, a racist group. In other studies, participants earned money when they were rejected, but not when they were accepted. The payments did nothing to dampen the pain of exclusion. “No matter how hard you push it, people are hurt by ostracism,” he says.

Fortunately, most people recover almost immediately from these brief episodes of rejection. If a stranger fails to look you in the eye, or you’re left out of a game of Cyberball, you aren’t likely to dwell on it for long. But other common rejections — not being invited to a party, or being turned down for a second date — can cause lingering emotions.

After the initial pain of rejection, Williams says, most people move into an “appraisal stage,” in which they take stock and formulate their next steps. “We think all forms of ostracism are immediately painful,” he says. “What differs is how long it takes to recover, and how one deals with the recovery.”

People often respond to rejection by seeking inclusion elsewhere. “If your sense of belonging and self-esteem have been thwarted, you’ll try to reconnect,” says Williams. Excluded people actually become more sensitive to potential signs of connection, and they tailor their behavior accordingly. “They will pay more attention to social cues, be more likable, more likely to conform to other people and more likely to comply with other people’s requests,” he says.

Yet others may respond to rejection with anger and lashing out. If someone’s primary concern is to reassert a sense of control, he or she may become aggressive as a way to force others to pay attention. Sadly, that can create a downward spiral. When people act aggressively, they’re even less likely to gain social acceptance.

What causes some people to become friendlier in response to rejection, while others get angry? According to DeWall, even a glimmer of hope for acceptance can make all the difference. In a pair of experiments, he and his colleagues found that students who were accepted by no other participants in group activities behaved more aggressively — feeding hot sauce to partners who purportedly disliked spicy foods, and blasting partners with uncomfortably loud white noise through headphones — than students accepted by just one of the other participants (Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2010).

Social pain relief

It may take time to heal from a bad break-up or being fired, but most people eventually get over the pain and hurt feelings of rejection. When people are chronically rejected or excluded, however, the results may be severe. Depression, substance abuse and suicide are not uncommon responses. “Long-term ostracism seems to be very devastating,” Williams says. “People finally give up.”

In that case, psychologists can help people talk through their feelings of exclusion, DeWall says.

“A lot of times, these are things people don’t want to talk about,” he says. And because rejected people may adopt behaviors, such as aggression, that serve to further isolate them, psychologists can also help people to act in ways that are more likely to bring them social success.

The pain of non-chronic rejection may be easier to alleviate. Despite what the fMRI scanner says, however, popping two Tylenols probably isn’t the most effective way to deal with a painful episode of rejection. Instead, researchers say, the rejected should seek out healthy, positive connections with friends and family.

That recommendation squares with the neural evidence that shows positive social interactions release opioids for a natural mood boost, Eisenberger says. Other activities that produce opioids naturally, such as exercise, might also help ease the sore feelings that come with rejection.

Putting things into perspective also helps, Leary says. True, rejection can sometimes be a clue that you behaved badly and should change your ways. But frequently, we take rejection more personally than we should. “Very often we have that one rejection, maybe we didn’t get hired for this job we really wanted, and it makes us feel just lousy about our capabilities and ourselves in general,” Leary says. “I think if people could stop overgeneralizing, it would take a lot of the angst out of it.”

Next time you get passed over for a job or dumped by a romantic partner, it may help to know that the sting of rejection has a purpose. That knowledge may not take away the pain, but at least you know there’s a reason for the heartache. “Evolutionarily speaking, if you’re socially isolated you’re going to die,” Williams says. “It’s important to be able to feel that pain.”

---

Kirsten Weir is a freelance writer in Minneapolis.

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The content I just read: IS HELPFUL IS NOT HELPFUL

The link between physical and social pain might sound surprising, but it makes biological sense, DeWall says. “Instead of creating an entirely new system to respond to socially painful events, evolution simply co-opted the system for physical pain,” he says. “Given the shared overlap, it follows that if you numb people to one type of pain, it should also numb them to the other type of pain.”

Lashing out

Being on the receiving end of a social snub causes a cascade of emotional and cognitive consequences, researchers have found. Social rejection increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy and sadness. It reduces performance on difficult intellectual tasks, and can also contribute to aggression and poor impulse control, as DeWall explains in a recent review (Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2011). Physically, too, rejection takes a toll. People who routinely feel excluded have poorer sleep quality, and their immune systems don’t function as well as those of people with strong social connections, he says.

Even brief, seemingly innocuous episodes of rejection can sting. In one recent study, Williams, Eric Wesselmann, PhD, of Purdue University, and colleagues found that when participants passed a stranger who appeared to look “through” them rather than meeting their gaze, they reported less social connection than did people who made eye contact with a passing stranger (Psychological Science, 2012).

In fact, it’s remarkably hard to find situations in which rejection isn’t painful, Williams says. He wondered whether people would be hurt if they were rejected by a person or group they disliked. Using his Cyberball model, he found that African- American students experienced the same pain of rejection when they were told that the people rejecting them were members of the Ku Klux Klan, a racist group. In other studies, participants earned money when they were rejected, but not when they were accepted. The payments did nothing to dampen the pain of exclusion. “No matter how hard you push it, people are hurt by ostracism,” he says.

Fortunately, most people recover almost immediately from these brief episodes of rejection. If a stranger fails to look you in the eye, or you’re left out of a game of Cyberball, you aren’t likely to dwell on it for long. But other common rejections — not being invited to a party, or being turned down for a second date — can cause lingering emotions.

After the initial pain of rejection, Williams says, most people move into an “appraisal stage,” in which they take stock and formulate their next steps. “We think all forms of ostracism are immediately painful,” he says. “What differs is how long it takes to recover, and how one deals with the recovery.”

People often respond to rejection by seeking inclusion elsewhere. “If your sense of belonging and self-esteem have been thwarted, you’ll try to reconnect,” says Williams. Excluded people actually become more sensitive to potential signs of connection, and they tailor their behavior accordingly. “They will pay more attention to social cues, be more likable, more likely to conform to other people and more likely to comply with other people’s requests,” he says.

Yet others may respond to rejection with anger and lashing out. If someone’s primary concern is to reassert a sense of control, he or she may become aggressive as a way to force others to pay attention. Sadly, that can create a downward spiral. When people act aggressively, they’re even less likely to gain social acceptance.

What causes some people to become friendlier in response to rejection, while others get angry? According to DeWall, even a glimmer of hope for acceptance can make all the difference. In a pair of experiments, he and his colleagues found that students who were accepted by no other participants in group activities behaved more aggressively — feeding hot sauce to partners who purportedly disliked spicy foods, and blasting partners with uncomfortably loud white noise through headphones — than students accepted by just one of the other participants (Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2010).

Social pain relief

It may take time to heal from a bad break-up or being fired, but most people eventually get over the pain and hurt feelings of rejection. When people are chronically rejected or excluded, however, the results may be severe. Depression, substance abuse and suicide are not uncommon responses. “Long-term ostracism seems to be very devastating,” Williams says. “People finally give up.”

In that case, psychologists can help people talk through their feelings of exclusion, DeWall says.

“A lot of times, these are things people don’t want to talk about,” he says. And because rejected people may adopt behaviors, such as aggression, that serve to further isolate them, psychologists can also help people to act in ways that are more likely to bring them social success.

The pain of non-chronic rejection may be easier to alleviate. Despite what the fMRI scanner says, however, popping two Tylenols probably isn’t the most effective way to deal with a painful episode of rejection. Instead, researchers say, the rejected should seek out healthy, positive connections with friends and family.

That recommendation squares with the neural evidence that shows positive social interactions release opioids for a natural mood boost, Eisenberger says. Other activities that produce opioids naturally, such as exercise, might also help ease the sore feelings that come with rejection.

Putting things into perspective also helps, Leary says. True, rejection can sometimes be a clue that you behaved badly and should change your ways. But frequently, we take rejection more personally than we should. “Very often we have that one rejection, maybe we didn’t get hired for this job we really wanted, and it makes us feel just lousy about our capabilities and ourselves in general,” Leary says. “I think if people could stop overgeneralizing, it would take a lot of the angst out of it.”

Next time you get passed over for a job or dumped by a romantic partner, it may help to know that the sting of rejection has a purpose. That knowledge may not take away the pain, but at least you know there’s a reason for the heartache. “Evolutionarily speaking, if you’re socially isolated you’re going to die,” Williams says. “It’s important to be able to feel that pain.”

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Kirsten Weir is a freelance writer in Minneapolis.

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Studies have shown that social rejection of any kind activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain, meaning there’s a biological link between rejection and pain. That goes for friends, partners and, if it had feelings, that lonely latte.

Staying connected to others has evolved as a human survival skill. Our brains have what’s called a social monitoring system that uses mood, people and environmental cues to coach us how to respond situationally. But when you get ghosted, there’s no closure, so you question yourself and choices which sabotages self-worth and self-esteem.

That ambiguity, said the psychologist Jennice Vilhauer, is the real dagger. She calls ghosting a form of the silent treatment akin to emotional cruelty (the pain it causes can be treated with Tylenol, according to multiple studies). So, how do you avoid it in the first place?

“Well, I think I’m particularly choosy about who I tend to interact with,” said Dr. Vilhauer, the former head of Los Angeles’ Cedars-Sinai Medical Center psychotherapy program. “You can get a sense early on of what kind of individual you’re dealing with.”

There’s no checklist, but watching how people treat others is a good indicatir

Some thinner branches tremble with desire
Reaching out beyond the shrub’s wide shape
The sun has drawn them up with its great fire

Yet, without learning, there is no Messiah.
No support exists, they sulk and drape
The thinner branches trembling with desire

To greatness and to height they had aspired
Now will they turn out sullen as they mope?
The sun has drawn them up with its great fire

Like the politicians who conspire
The European failure stole our hopes
Though little Hitlers tremble with desire

Unelected Minister, Prime liar.
Will he ever cross the final tape?
The sun has drawn Men up with its great fire.

As the West evolved through crime and rape
We were thought Enlightened in our scope
We loved the Inquisition, loved the fires
The gods have punished us and never tire.

The defendant looks very futile

Is that hill evil?

Does he have our Felicity?

They’re on eBay

Do we need ESP, define them?

Well listen HP is in the kitchen

When can we start the mile?

The Cure has not words in yet.

We’re never going to see gin.

You are very reflective I say.

I prefer the cuddle way

Why are you so belligerent?

Ask Mensa for a Queue mist

I don’t like the bounds of that.

Don’t scary, you’ll soon be the rift