Posted on April 6, 2017 If I should live again, I’d be a frog For tadpoles insubstantial cause no fright Yet they change but not upon my blog
They change their being, leap up from the bog, As bread is changed by holy, priestly rites, If I should live again, I’d be a frog
In deep water, luminous as fog, The frogs live on the edge of human sight Yes they croak but not till we’re in bed
As lovers lie down naked on their rug They tempt the frog, the adder, the termite Then they rage upon the death of God
As the wheel turns, see, it drips with blood The human race is ground up, we’re a blight Yes, someone, somewhere, once did something good
Oh dark, oh grey, oh where is the new light? Seems like the frogs, the Lord leapt out of sight If I should live again, I’d be your god I’d save the world by turning us to frogs
I wasted a lot of time looking in Elaine Feinstein’s cookery book for toad in the hole,then I remembered she is Jewish… so it’s frog in the hole.She’s hot on pancakes and my favourite for being creative with a few bits and pieces. You may not like fried heels but you have to admit they’re different from soles Alas,someone nameless has thrown out my non stick small roasting tin and I had no lard, so the yorkshire pudding was brown on top,raw in the middle and had stuck to the tin.Still the bit I scraped out was just enough to give us an appetite which we could not satisfy. But, the strong Cheddar cheese tart was graciously received. So,all I say is, sausages don’t have to be pork.Pancakes don’t have to include a sauce pan and yorkshire pudding is not a dessert… and no,it is not what God fed his people on.. that was manna in the Sinai desert.How they spent 40 years there beats me….it’s not that big is it? Maybe they were like the man who went 7 times round the M25 and asked if he was near Durham… he thought he’d gpt onto the A1! No wonder the M25 is so busy.He’s probably there now believing he’s in Aberdeen when he’s at South Mimm’s outside British Home Stores… And yes it is kosher to eat fried bread and eggs and chips and call it a full English breakfast… otherwise what would we do if Jesus came back.He can’t eat pork being an Orthodox religious Jew… funny that, he’d be in a detention centre waiting to see who would take him in… Imagine the last supper…. beancakes in batter and chips served in a service station on the M1 or in Yarlswood detention centre and Nigel someone or other might say, I’m gonna crucify some of these immigrants,I am….. coming here hoping to get benefits.At least Jesus would not be claiming child benefit… and no Jerusalem was never here Blimey.I think I’ll pass over this one
While the priest annointed him with oils I played in the gutter all alone I hoped to find the marbles we had lost Or from the melted tar to pluck a stone
The summer was so hot the cobbles baked Looking like a row of fresh made loaves There were no fishes in the millstream’s rush Nor a place where bread and Saviour rose
I found a florin in the cobbled street I found two marbles lying near a grid I found a daisy squashed in a wide crack I saw a spider hanged in its own web
To summarise ,my father went away The Queen was crowned and we just had to play
Although Stan was 102, he still rode his bike locally in the summer time.He was out in the garden pumping up the tires before going off to the Library.Suddenly his neighbour Annie appeared at the gate, without him hearing her feet tapping on the path of red brick;she was bedecked in finest Scottish tweed with a long pendant on a solid 22 carat gold chain swinging nonchalantly from her neck, with a matching ring attached mysteriously to her upper lip.
“Who’re you, the Lady Mayoress” he joked. Where’s Mary?” she pointedly whispered. ”She’s with her widowed sister Joan up in Scotland ” Stan admitted nervously, unsure of her reactions. ”Joan, that’s not a very Scottish name!” Annie joked.” Anyway how about we sit down here on this bench for a moment”.She pulled him vigorously towards her.
Stan responded regretfully “I’m afraid I can’t stop.I have all these books overdue and the library shuts in 15 minutes .”Don’t worry, sweetheart”, she cried un-contemptuously.”I’ll pay all your fines.I’ve just come into loads and loads of money.” “Oh, how’s that.my angel” Stan murmured. “I shot Bert.If you help me to get rid of the evidence, I’ll share the loot with you.”
At the funeral, Annie was dressed in a beautiful dark brown suit with a black trim from Jaeger.She went around the room making sure everyone had enough food and drink.As she leaned over towards Stan her heavy gold locket, inside which was hidden the bullet that killed Bert, swung over and hit Stan a glancing blow on the temple. Stan fell to the ground .”Do you think we should ring 999?” someone asked sarcastically.Within minutes, paramedics arrived. “So, is it that chair again?” they clamoured. ”Yes, this foolish old man fell over and the leg came off my brand new antique chair.I’ve only had it a few days and it’s not insured.”
“Did anyone ever tell you, your eyes are like deep pools in the Saragossa Sea?” Dave, the paramedic whispered into her right ear. “Have you still not finished that Creative Writing Course?” Annie shouted.””I’m getting tired of you admiring my eyes.What about my nose?””
“Has anyone ever told you, your nose is the shortest they’ve ever seen?”
“That’s a bit boring” Annie retorted. ”Yeah, maybe I should change to Art,” he ruefully moaned.”I love the way your deep blue and turquoise eye shadow is melting around your eyes and running down the sides of your nose.” “Hurry up and fix my chair, and while you’re about it, you may as well take Stan down to A and E for a head X-ray.” Glancing furtively at Annie in her Jaeger suit with carefully contrasting deep coral blouse and opaque teal blue 80 denier tights with 6 inch stiletto heels to complete the outfit, not to mention her raspberry coloured bra which clashed violently with the coral blouse [which alas was more transparent than she realised], he picked up a hammer and began,excitedly,to mend the broken chair. ”This is what life is all about, my boy” he thought.One day I will be just where I should be.Right here.With her,alone!
Little did he know the true tale, that Annie had murdered her husband merely because she felt very bored. Boredom is dangerous.If you are affected why not go out and look at some hats? Why not take up drawing. is now online
Mary opened the door as the bell kept ringing.There stood a clergyman in a grey wool suit and baseball cap coordinated with his Nike trainers
Hello,madam,he said suavely in a mellifluous voice
Hello,Mary answered kindly.What is your mission?
To convert the entire world to Christianity.
I am sorry,I meant what was your mission with me.But anyway, you can’t convert me.So you are a failure.It’s called a counter example in Maths.
Why can’t I convert you, he asked the blue eyed witch of Knittingham standing there in her dark Artigiano jeans, Dash striped top and a red wool stole
I like choice, she cried.I do not want a creed.
Anyway, the man told her,I just came to say I am buying a flat across the road and I wanted some opinions on the quietness of this area before I finalise my purchase.
Mioaw,went Emile in a loud shriek
Oh,Lord, what is that, a demon,the poor man asked?
It’s only my cat, she told him,why not come in for coffee and I’ll tell you about the nearest neighbours.
That is very kind of you, he said.But I might be a burglar
Oh,good,Emile purred.I’ve always wanted to meet a burglar.
Why, asked the man as he entered the beautiful hall full of spiders and Picasso prints.
You can tell me how I can get into other people’s houses, the cat told him boldly.
I want to be a cat burglar!
Come into the living room, said Mary.The room was full of books like the Encarta English Dictionary, Stanley Middleton and “How to talk so cats can hear” piled in tidy heaps.
My name is Jacob, the visitor said.I have just retired but am keen to keep converting people as Christianity is the best religion ever
I don’t really want a religion and I am unsure how you prove it’s the best
I am keener on the Hindu religion, she lied impertinently just to see if she could carry it off as Aspies can’t tell lies
Suddenly the kitchen door opened and in ran Annie, the neighbour and one time Mistress of Stan,Mary’s late and dangerous old husband
Hello,Jake, she cried as she kissed his aged cheeks fondly
I am buying a flat but I didn’t know you lived here he said politely
We met on Tinder, Annie told Mary.
What is that, a hill? I know Kinder Scout.
It’s a dating website,Annie said gently, her curving lips covered in wine coloured lip glaze which almost matched her burgundy eye shadow and purple hair.
Why did you not ask me? Mary said shyly
I didn’t think you wanted another man,Annie said pertly with a twinkle in her gorgeous red eyes.
And Jacob said he came to convert me but is it true?
No, said Jacob.I saw you in the front garden and you look so beautiful I wanted to meet you.
Thank God you are not going to shower me with Biblical quotes,Mary said.
I suppose we should admire you going straight for what you want.Although when you know me better you may not find me so attractive.
Jake’s eyes bulged with emotion.
Well, you may not find me so attractive either, he cried wiping his streaming eyes on a kleenex tissue.
Mary ran upstairs and collected Stan’s hankies
Here, use these, she told Jake soulfully
Annie brought in some hot coffee with cream
What do we older people want, she murmured quizzically.We have loved and lost but shall we love again?
Well, I shall mioawed Emile.I don’t keep thinking,I just do it.If I get a chance
Love is more than sex,Emile.We want someone who shares a few interests and likes conversation.
What are your interests, she asked Jake?
I can’t remember, he admitted.I’ll have to look on FB at my profile.
But what do you do all day?
I read the Guardian and the Independent then I go out looking for women.
Women of the Night?
No,I just like to sit in the Mall and admire women as they pass by.I don’t want to cause suffering to women.And I am diabetic so I get erectile dysfunction sometimes so it would be a waste of money in any case
Well, if there was a National Wage or better benefits these prostitutes might give up their dangerous work.They all sat looking glum as they pondered over the political scene in Britain
If we were Jews we could live in Israel
Yes, you’d have seriously think of that to as the number of anti Semitic hate crimes has gone up by about 70% this year.And what that has to do with Brexit is hard to know except all people who are of different ethnicity are also being attacked.Some people seem to think it means black people will have to leave despite the fact nowhere in Europe is there a country mainly made up of black people.And during the Empire all people in it were British citizens.
Still,I feel too old to convert.Can we get false documents to prove we are Jewish?
That’s not something I know about, said Jacob, though my name is Jewish.It is Disraeli!
Hang on a minute,cried Annie.Let’s not be too hasty.It looks like Israel is on the verge of war.Yet Jake. if you married both of us we could get in as your wives as you must be Jewish.
But we are not meant to marry Gentiles.
Well how about us being servants?
Alas, that country was never truly accepted and it has become very,very fierce.I find as well that they love arguing ,which I don’t said Mary.
Well many other people love arguing,Jake said.But it’s true it is dangerous there especially with Syria at war so nearby
Why don’t we all go out and have a salt beef sandwich and some chips instead?Or how about ringing 999 for advice? They will know about getting false passports.
Is that true,said Mary
And so ask all of us.
Apparently reading novels is very good for your memory because you have to remember the people on the connections between them,
I recommend The Mandarins by Simone de Beauvoir. It’s partly based on her own life and it’s very complicated. Nearly all novels make demands on our minds.
How my heart sings 