Ward rounds

Please do not view  your smartphone whilst on a stretcher going to the theatre

No selfies allowed during surgery.

Do not take photos of the doctors and nurses or they will leave,

Do not send your private part photos to anyone on the ward.They can see them when you get out of bed if you are wearing our wonderful split back gowns

Please do not fall over after rising from the bed.

We do not have a whistling kettle, it’s the night porter.

If you smoke, we will  pour water over your cigarette

The screams are cats mating, not patients on the next ward

Kindly do not tell the doctor he is stupid.He knows.

The doctor is only a pest to some

Kindly pretend to listen to the Consultant on his round.He is human,we presume

Kindly do not eat cream buns  or meringues in front  of the Consultant.He is on a diet.

Kindly avoid catching any bugs belonging to or emanating from this hospital.

Kindly do not sleepwalk whilst here.

Please do not swallow your Kindle before lights out.

Keep yourself clean.Take a bed by the open window during a storm.

Kindly avoid dying when we are busy or indeed at any time.Wait till you get home,please.