Getting to know someone,I find it is good to first know what is very important to ourselves.. which sometimes we do not know consciously.Second to discover what is most important to the other.I think that may be very hard if we come from different cultures.We may never have come across some of the things most important to the other.We.even in the same culture,live i n self created worlds of meaning.
What matters to me is possibly not all conscious. but it matters that I can say what pleases me or what hurts me without attack.If this is not possible then that is the end of the friendship.
Similarly I should be able to listen to the other
Sometimes we may believe we are having a relationship with someone,maybe a friendship or love affair.As time passes one or other party may become more and more critical of the other.This may possibly be for good reason.Or what at first one person saw as ideal.wonderful,perfection in the other is revealed [or not] to have been a fantasy.On the gap between the real and the ideal being noticed complaints are made and anger or rage is felt.
If people can tolerate the painful gap between the real and the ideal then a true relationship may develop.More likely the idealizing partner will break off and seek perfection elsewhere in a new person. In truth there never was a real relationship.One person was simply caught up in the other’s fantasy life.In the real world no-one is entirely good,perfect or our dream lover.This illusion is very painful to give up.
.Easier to believe that one day we will meet Prince or Princes Charming.. our other half We are like almost blind people wandering around just seeing bits of the other.We have our own world but is it a shared one?After all we are all human beings and we do share existential loneliness and even dread.Hunting for someone to fit a pattern in our mind means we are not living in shared reality…it’s too painful.