Tag: humor

Not dead yet and other English humor!

“Not dead yet” was a phrase that was part of a comic act here on TV… it’s that odd humour here in England.

If we meet we say:How are you?

And this is what we say

Fine thanks.In the pink.

Feeling groovy.
Could be worse I suppose.
Think I’ve got that bug that’s going round on the flights to the UFO
Still here…I think
Still alive,just about.
I would have fallen over in front of a bus except the dog would miss me.
Not dead yet.
Could be better.
Why do you ask?
Have we been introduced?
You look vaguely familiar.Are we married?
I think I met you once on some waste ground behind a pub!
How kind of you to ask.
Is that cat glued to your head or is it  a transplant
Do you come here often or just when you are overwrought?
Who did you say you were?
Have we met or are  you  famous?You look familiar.I must be in love again
I;ve booked a hotel in that place that’s been flooded. for 2 weeks.How are you?
I say,old boy.How nice you asked.I’m fine I just got married again..I I have a lot more news…..ah,well.I never liked him much really,the bastard.
Where have you been all my life?
Fuck off or I’ll bite my nails and scratch my face with a twig off this old oak tree.
Do you know anyone here?You are my son!   I  just can’t believe it

Even Stan’s cat weeps

Tigger
Stan was sweeping the garden path.He had a stiff broom with a small head that was useful for cleaning the edges of the steps.Emile, his beautiful cat was sitting in the old apple tree gazing down on Stan.
“Is it time for coffee yet,”Stan asked himself.He had forgotten to put on his watch.
Suddenly he heard a shriek.He peered through a hole in the fence.His neighbor Anne was lying on her back in some mud.
“Hang on,I’ll come round!” he called.
There was a gate in the old fence which was rarely locked
since she loved to drop in on Stan.
“Oh,,how are you feeling?” he asked her anxiously.
“Bloody annoyed.I’ve only just bought these,”Not your daughter’s jeans” and now I’ve torn them,” she replied politely.
“But you don’t have a daughter!” he informed her loudly.
“I know that.It’s just they are better cut for the mature figure.”
“Your figure is not mature.You are quite slender.my dear,” he murmured lovingly.
“Well,I never feel happy with it!” she said mutinously.
“Whereas I am very happy feeling it,” he responded romantically.
Tears came into her green eyes lined with purple eye shadow.Alas,it was not waterproof and purple rivulets ran down her cheeks across the peach blusher with which she had valiantly decorated herself earlier.
“Can you get up?” he asked tenderly.
“Yes, but it would be nice if you picked me up.”
He leaned over her and licked the purple streams of tears off her cheeks.
“I hope it’s not poisonous,” she murmured.
Then with the aid of Emile,he lifted her to her feet and helped her into her large trendy kitchen.
The kettle switched itself on as they entered and a robotic voice asked if they’d like coffee.
“God in heaven,what the hell is that?” he cried confusedly.
“It’s my new computerized hot drink maker.After that fall I think a double espresso would be good.”
Emile ran in and asked for coffee too.
“Emile,you usually have milk,”Stan reminded him softly.
“Well,coffee is a new taste for me but I like a little.”
the cat whispered sweetly.
“I’ll give you some of mine in a saucer,” Stan replied.
Emile began to sob.
“Why Emile,whatever is wrong?”
“I want a cup and saucer just like you” the cat howled.
But you have no hands,Emile,” Stan reminded him.
The poor cat was crying loudly now.So Stan rang 999.
“Can you please send the emergency ambulance round.the cat’s crying and all his hankies are in the wash.”#
Soon Dave,the transvestite paramedic appeared.
“I love your light teal kitchen,” he informed Annie,
“And your eyes look like two deep pools in a coal mine.”
She slapped his cheek naughtily.
“Have a look at Emile” she ordered him sweetly.
He turned to the cat who was sitting on the dark pine table.
“Here,Emile,I got you some Kleenex for Cats in Sainsbury’s.” he said gaily.
“I want a real hanky,”cried Emile.Dave took a clean hanky from his own pocket and dried the cats tears.
“What made you cry.Are you feeling bad.”
“Yes,I want to go to Cafe Nero,” Emile mioawed.
“Who told you about that?”
“Another cat down the road has been and he said it’s lovely for people watching.”
“The town is not safe for cats like you,Emile.”
Dave urbanely replied,
“But when summer come I’ll take you to the out of town
Marks and Spencer’s.They have a cat’s coffee corner upstairs.”
“Wow,isn’t it amazing,”Stan wondered out loud.
So Dave poured out the coffee and they all sat down and
discussed Ray Monk’s Life of Wittgenstein.
Ray has discovered that Wittgenstein liked cats but as he moved around quite a bit,he never owned his own cat
though Elizabeth Anscombe let him play with her three cats now and then.
We may all be different but most of us value the love of a good cat.Even boiling their hankies and ironing them is very nice.We all have this problem though.
Where can a cat carry his own hanky?
Do cats need shoulder bags?
What would Wittgenstein say?
Nothing is my guess.
Whereof one cannot speak…..
T

She met his eyes on Sunday and his why’s on Monday

lily pond 2He rolled his eyes on the television.Je ne pays pas license.
She met his eyes down the street en passant
His eyes narrowed as they passed through the Thames Barrier,quod errant demons tantrum
His eyes were askew as they sailed in the dinghy down the river bed.Que sera tara
His eyes said,hello babe.Non erat liberace
His eyes roamed about wildly.Kyrie eleison
The cat’s eyes were missing as they drove down the main road.Ite missa pest
His eyes were all over her and she was a full bosomed lady of ample means.Heilige snacked
Her eyes never mated with his although he gave her a large glowering look.Stile nacht.
Your eyes are not sharp enough,the teacher said as I broke the lead in my pencil.Mal a la tete!
His eyes melted the ice round her heart as they caressed her with tender pity.
Oh,mio solo
His eyes spoke volumes but noone wrote it down so it is lost to posteriority.Amen
Her eyes were as hard as diamonds but in reality she was a soft touch.O mio sho low
My eyes dropped and I looked ashamed of myself.Kyrie illusion
My eyes stammered all down his face.Que sera?
Her eyes ran and so did she…. that seems logical to me.QED
My eyes watered and the plants were rejuvenated.Non tolerante les diables.
Your eyes are too bold,the doctor said.Wear dark glasses and keep away.Niger est superiore
I put my eyes on hold and then forgot!Esta la vista de pleurs
Do eyes count? Numinousity
Are eyes free? Liberare mei
My eyes twinkled when I read his letters.Je l’adore.
My eyes are just stars really.Visible retinae
My eyes are in bed today,Ou est le trouve?

Are you offputting or outtaking?

 

6422289_64198f440b_s1Do you have trouble mating with people’s eyes on the bus?
Are you unable to make the small talk?
Do you hate to sit at round tables?
Do you forget to sweep you partner when you get home from work?
Do you love systems of all types and types who possess symptoms?
Do you feel wry at parties?
Do you prefer staying at home with a cook?
Do you like to meet people one by one in alphabetical order rather than in groups?
Do you like to use only seven letter words?
Do you like writing offensive letters?
Do you constantly apologise and speak in a whisper?
Are you always putting of sex?
Or is sex offputting to you?
Do you eat cat food to save cooking?

Do you often wreak havoc?

Well,eff off.I don’t want to hear from you.Ciao!

Stan wants Mary to swear…….not for the pure!

 

Trees over lily pond 2
In case you hate the story.. look at the image

You are too prissy,Mary,Stan told his wife.Everybody uses four letter words know except you.
What is so special about four letters,she replied mathematically.
I can’t say ,said Stan.
Is it because they are expletives s have to sound like bullets being fired.For example
“Fuck off, you old shit bag”
Sounds different from
“Kindly go away,old thing.”
That is true,said her 98 year old husband,
So why do you want me to swear?
Well,now you have a tablet computer and a chromebook you need an iphone and you need to talk like the young do as well.
I phones are very expensive and you know me,I’m crap at finding where I leave the fucking things.
Now,Mary,control yourself.I am your husband
What the hell has that got to do with it.
You should be nice.
So whom do you wish me to swear at?
I’m not sure.Maybe when you sing in the kitchen you could alter the words of the songs..
As I waltzed out to fuck at 8 pm
The lambs were coming too all over my thumb
I heard a neighbour complain of all this crap
So I’m going to Waterstone’s for a map

Something wrong with the meter here methinks,said Stan.
And somehow,swearing does not seem to blend with your personality and gentle quiet nature,Mary,darling.
Cut the crap.It’s too late now.I’ve become addicted.
But how many four letter words are there?I might find it limiting.
Some fofurletter words are not swearing
like
tame,kind,wind,fluff,hair,lips,nips,twit
but some are like
fuck,shit,crap,twat.
So twit is ok but twat is not,the demure old lady replied.Anyway don’t you know any more?
Damn!
Perhaps we’ll have to buy a book and learn some new ones but to whom shall we say them
Would your mistress,Meldickadivsa know?
Well,I can ask her.
But is it sensible?
If women want equal rights it’s not the same as being compelled to use words that only workmen used to use.
It’s like saying we can’t have public conveniences for women;they will have to use the gents!
What will they use the gents for, one of them queried.
For sensual gratification and relieving tension.
Is it legal?

Anything is legal as long as you don’t pay!
That reminds me of Russell’s Paradox.
Oh,my God,don’t say you are on to Russell!
It’s more like he is on to me.
Whatever do you mean,Stan said.
He is trying to invade my mind.
Well,make it password protected!!
How do I do that?
Go online and find out.
Perhaps we can password protect your tongue to stop you saying all those words like twat!
But I don’t want to stop.
In that case you must invent some more or they get boring you see.
Flaff off you crum!
Eff doff you runt!
Don’t you leak to he like trat
Why egger nuts?
Clean your organ in the mawnin.
What is so runny about swap?
Goody bell,the vicar is beer!
Lie down and he won’t bee us on the door!
It’s very dirty down here.
Get the vacuum out!
The vacuum is clean,it’s the carpet that’s full of nap!
I blame you,
For what?
Basting my rhymes in wine.
Well,it’s time for wee now.
Go and but the skittle on the stove.
By George,I feel terry funicular!
I’ll put some neatener in your wee.
I’ll come here again!
Stop that askance!
Can’t I rake a glance?
Show you can pot?
Pot what?
The wee pot.
You are very mod!
Blank you so crutch.
Puck off,it’s time for twerk.
Oh,my dear!
It’s being so near.

what makes ’em leer

Penance?Oh,my.

6422289_64198f440b_s1
Bless me Father,for I have sinned

What did you do my child?

I was hurt by a comment someone made.So I told them.

Seems quite fair to me!

Really,Father?

Any more sins?

Yes,I write rude poems.

Leave some with my housekeeper.i’ must read them

And I ate a biscuit last week,Father.

What had the biscuit ever done to you?Had it bitten you?

No,Father.

There you are.do as you would be done by!

Next please.

But you didn’t give me any penance,Father.

With your temperament you don’t need penance.

Thank God it’s got some advantage then

For blasphemy it’s £10

How much for fornication?

£100.

Yes,please.That will d

Stan and the crazy cats of Knittingham and the UK

Source: Kath

Hallowe’en

Stan was feeling sad because the clocks had turned back so it was dark at 4pm.His wife Mary was out on her old Raleigh with battery lit lights front and rear….though not quite on her ass.Stan is very vulgar sometimes as it cheers him up.When Mary gets home he did say to her once,You need a light on your ass .Mary,like the Queen,was not amused.

Emile Stan’s cat suggested they go for a walk before sunset and so off they went.Stan wore an old green overcoat and a flat cap.Emile was running ahead as he was so excited.Some times he sat on the sturdy old man’s shoulder on a cat pad.[On sale everywhere for two pounds ten and sixpence.]Stan felt his spirits rise as he walked as the sky was so beautiful striped in blue and peach just like it had been in the Holy Land when he went on a
Pilgrimage with other old Catholics from Knittingham Cathedral

How lovely it would be to walk in the wood and feel crunchy leaves under his boots.[From Hotters of Whelmersdale,Lancs] And Emile liked to bury himself in the leaves and leap put as Stan went by.But as they approached the wood a strange sight met their eyes,,, all four!

The trees were full but not with birds.They were full of cats.Big cats,fat cats,thin cats,pedigree cats,mixed race cats,cats of all colors and sizes.You can imagine the effect of having a hundred or more cats’ eyes staring yellowly at you in synchronized glares.Why,it was almost enough to send Stan running home for some brandy.

3436468-508432-group-of-cats-in-the-dark

Emile went nearer.He spoke to a big black cat

What’s going on?,he mewed.You are in my territory,

The black cat looked at him with his big green eyes.

We are witches‘ cats.We have come from all over Great Britain,excluding Northern Ireland as cats are not allowed on the boats now. no ratsl eft]..Tomorrow is All Hallows Eve and we are accompanying our multi-ethnic multicolored witches on a grand flight over Knittingham…tonight we are having,The Big Sing… at midnight precisely.
Did you remember to change the time on your smartphone,asked Emile.All the cats began to giggle and laugh.

We don’t need phones or clocks.We go by the stars and the moon…though doubtless the witches have watches.

Do witches have watches?,Emile asked Stan,after telling him why the cats were there.

Old witches have watches,Stan murmured,mesmerised by the vision of the cats swaying in the gale force winds.Thank God cats have fur,he thought lovingly.

Can we have a walk here,?he asked testily.

Well,Sir,do you recall a song from your childhood,If you go down to the woods today,you;’re sure of a big surprise.At your age,is your heart soft enough to stretch when you see five thousand cats…

I am sure I shall be ok as long as the Good Lord does not come here to feed them with five loaves and two fishes
All the cats laughed again.Stan was puzzled how they managed to stay in the trees with wind and giggles and a few scrapping and fighting as tom cats so when lady cats are near.

We are already full of fish supplied by all the local pet shops,markets and goldfish bowls!

How disgraceful, thought Stan,to eat pet goldfish.but owing to the number of crazy cats he decided to keep quiet…As he got nearer he saw a few cats smoking pipes..Well,I never knew cats smoked,he said to Emile.Maybe it’s magic mushrooms or coyote,the cat said cheekily

Do you mean peyote?,Stan said querulously.Coyote are animals..

.Ah,well.you get my drift,Emile replied cheekily

What was most strange was why this big meeting was taking place in Knttingham

.Then he remembered it was the center of the UK…that must be it.Most intriguing to see all these cats.A few even had tartan ribbons on as they were from Scotland.But how did they travel so far.No doubt it was all arranged by the Chief Wizard.

Somehow Stan and Emile felt self conscious as the cats were almost glaring at them,reminding Stan of an occasion when he and his wife had wandered by accident onto a remote beach for gay nude men.The looks they gave the old folk were far from gay;So he and Emile turned round and headed for home… at least they were forewarned of the midnight concert they and Mary would hear.Stan made some tea with twice as many tea bags as usual.
as he was concerned he might get PTSD or worse,maybe kittzophrenia.This poor man was blessed with a vivid imagination.

When Mary came in from the University he called out,

,
We have had the most amazing day,Mary….But Mary was wearing a pointed black hat and cloak…. and a big smile.

I know what you mean,Stan….I am just off to take a peek myself.She picked up her broomstick and rode away into the darkening sky.~to think one could be both a witch and a mathematician,,though numbers have a certain magic of their own as we all know

Related articles

Why not just say it’s all over me?

lily pond 2Literati

is a name

we gave to clever

people who

talk

too

much and think they know all

about literature

and twitterature

and are conceited

stuck up

and think they own

the world of words

but really it’s the

common people who invented language

and stories and poems

who talked the world into bing

I beg your pardon

I never say

shiterati

even as a joke

I am utterly

affronted by your conjunction

and offended by your defensiveness

and unwillingness

to admit

even the Pope

likes vulgar jokes

so who are you

anyway?

Never say logic again.

English: A schizophrenic patient at the Glore ...
English: A schizophrenic patient at the Glore Psychiatric Museum made this piece of cloth and it gives us a peek into her mind. Русский: Вышивка, сделанная пациентом, страдающим от шизофрении. Экспонат психиатрического музея Глор, Миссури. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Schizophrenia (Wayne Shorter album)
Schizophrenia (Wayne Shorter album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My foreign students said I was too warm to be British,so turn off your heating now or face  execution as a  traitor.

What people forget is we Brits are a mixed race… then we have the nerve to call people,wogs,dagos and foreigners.we are all foreigners here apart from the Welsh.

Some students told me their dreams;s,anything to avoid algebra!

I  personally found quantum theory helps to avoid emotional overspill…

and topology  is useful for dressmakers

Dreams and love are all very well… if you are a millionaire.Till then keep on with figures,asymmetry and words.

Friends are no use unless you are a real person.Whatever she is.

Schizophrenia is to some extent cowardliness………….keep your feet on the ground and say straight out what you mean without entering into wordplay,fey ways,being a seer and seeing how life veers.It’s all absolute bullshit.Only not all bulls are male.

Some bulls are e-male.

Depression is mainly the result of being driven.So give up the chauffeur and take your time.

Some loose women are fast  and vice versa.Isn’t logic trying?

I was so thin  when I began lecturing I got half fare on the bus and I was 25.So studying keeps you young.Never say,Dirac,again.

I was so thin then I bought children’s clothes but now I am  twice the size.Then they said I might have TB,now they say I could get diabetes.Take your pick……there’s something in me that will never take the middle way.My middle gets in the way.

We all eat too much considering how little we do.Bring back the scrubbing  board,brush and hard green soap.But if I eat less I faint…. what an ‘orrible feeling as your vision shrinks to a pinpoint and you sweat all over but more on the top of the head…. and you throw yourself onto the floor… or the ceiling.

Once we were having a meal with another couple…with one of those heated plate things on the table.I passed out and for years they talked about it.They divorced later and blamed me!Still,I gave them something to talk about so maybe I helped.

If you get disturbed stop introspecting and sweep the floor or the pavement.Do useful things with your hands and help others.Be polite even if you think they are the Devil

Related articles

I took out a new lease on his wife.She’s an agony plant

Husbands & Wifes
Husbands & Wifes (Photo credit: nerosunero)

=She has nerves on wheels,

He’s a male biter despite her

She got a male writer for Xmas.He was faking it as they got laid.So there was a sense of anti-climax
As naked as a ladybird.she has no shame but she got spots all over her face.Did she deserve it?
As wicked as they say when you had horns.
Near and dear to my tart was a cream jug filled with hot gravy.It was only a treacle tart to me but to her it was a hot dinner
Necessary evil is good
Rapacity under the cover of  contention
Nerves  have weals
Who was as nervous as a cat on a hot thin woof?
I am as nervous as a naked Serbo-Croat in a room full of people who speak only Franglsh
Never pull off tomorrow what you can ease off today.Start slowly by taking off your shorts.Keep your hair on!

If you never get dressed,you need never undress.How about a bath a day?
I took out a new lease on his wifeShe is frilled.

Can any man police my wife?
You are my ruby,my little JoobieIt was only a google doc to me,but to him it was a hole in the heart
Nice guys finish  off  with the women and the women are full of grate
They are like a fright a day in that office.They can’t use Word,they hate Office suite and now they have burned the Zoho Docs.I never saw anything so like you in all my horny prayers .

He bought me an apron for Xmas so I fried it for his dinner.That will do the trick… next year he may give me a sausage.

And no,I never made a  Freudian slip in my wife.

He wants to borrow my life!

Cliche
Cliche (Photo credit: Vermario)

He thinks dreams are the elixir of a wife….. not that he was ever conscious in the true sense of the Word.

What was the Incarnation?Was it long life milk?

Why does bread rise in one hour?

Put that in your wife and joke about it!
Related articles

A load of what?

Be Yourself and 5 Other Cliches
Be Yourself and 5 Other Cliches (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Image,it in the rear… no,dear.
A pain in the place de la concorde.doctor.I am too shy to say vestibule,you see.
Do you think I need elastic plagiarism?
I have a pain in the wreck of a poem
Taint yourself into a scorner of women.I don’t scare..tease yourself!
I thin kPandora’s sox fell off… then her box opened…
Caper over the cracks in the floor.. they say it’s  a new way to welcome the New Year i
Draped in tiger? Crepe divides her?Am I going blind… so they were right after all.Too much sex is not enough.Give me oil for my ramp keep me burning and boil a kettle too

Related articles

A cliche at play keeps the doctor away

 First mew phome pics 007

She’s as easy  to hug as  kissing a bee on the lips
Life’s not as easy as being able to see ghosts smoking
I feel uneasy as  you make my mind sick
Oh,Ted,Go eat Crow
Beat lead.Buy a  fountain pen today.Qouink!
He sits like a corpse at a wedding for dummies
Shall we beat my cat… or hunt hares?Is cruelty good?
It’s  a  treat  to  see your gun;catch my swift?
Why not eat your own dog’s food and leave mine for me.It’s all I have
Eight hundred men caught one gorilla which took a bus into town..Now he’s been given a free Mass in the cathedral.Sorry  a Free Bus Pass ex cathedra
Why no elephant in your room? Are you in need of brass monkeys?
Are you on  an imaginative roller coaster?Join our club for the highly  weird person

Do you ever eat a meringue? Je ne sais qua?I know you ate  French.

Fry me tonight.

Do you often change your sheets in the middle of a sentence?

Does the knight jar you/

Why is sympathy so rare?

Let them eat croissants…

I say.who is David Cameron,anyway?

My Friend is half Jewish.She has those dark yet lustrous eyes….
Now you must empathize with the wrong willed yet able to get the country off my knees.
I say, an empty flattery battery.How discharming
The cat ate my enchillado so I shall eat its mice on rice fried dinner…..take that!Sweet revenge
I said re your novel, Send over the end,not,Go round the bend!How can you work that way.. it’s real neat,you say.On your way
These friendless words are neglected so I shall eat them.Or shall I swallow the dictionary?
The agenda   fructifies  my daydreams into real works of art.. or cunning at least.
Even a wild squirrel finds a beefburger and fries good once in a while
Are you feeling even hotter?Keel over and I’ll snatch you up.I can’t wait.I love your dough so.Give me oil for my lamp keep me churning…. no more spurning
Related articles

A therapist eats curry with a cat…more adventures with Emile

What on earth

Into the washing machine… therapy’s disasters

Peter Fried,the psychoanalyst newly arrived in Knittingham, had noticed that whilst he was practising “free floating attention”
with his patients an image of a cat peering in the window behind the couch was troubling him.He hoped it was not some hallucination transferred from the Unconscious of one of his patients into his consciousness.
Still,having a black cat looking in the window was by no means the most unpleasant optical illusion he had ever suffered.In a way,it was quite sweet.
He was back in his “home” flat boiling some eggs for his supper when the doorbell rang.He opened it cautiously with a sort of furtive excitement.There stood a strikingly attractive woman wearing a purple coat and a red hat with matching red ballet flats and a bright green designer handbag from TKMaxx.[£29.99 and well worth it]
Hello,I thought I’d introduce myself,I live across the street next door to Stan and Mary..my name is Anne..How are you settling in?
She walked confidently through his flat and into the new teak kitchen with its gleaming work surfaces and marble pastry rolling strip…. though Peter never made pastry himself.
Eggs!Are you a curry lover?By pure chance and serendipity I have a tin of vindaloo sauce here.I could pour it over these eggs.

Should we not remove the shells first?Peter asked with a just hint of humour.
Definitely,leave it to me.I’ve brought some naan bread and some brown rice too
How did you know I was boiling six eggs?

Why Emile told me,of course!
Emile….is he black?
Some people call him black,others say he’s mixed race.
Let’s not argue about semantics,he replied discourteously.
I don’t even know what semantics, are she screeched into his left ear.
Well,that is no barrier to arguing about them,he replied diplomatically.
Well,it’s senseless, she answered kindly.”I am not a person who enjoys an argument.Go and sit down,read the paper and I’ll finish preparing the curry dinner.

Is it common around here to have an unknown woman come in to cook your dinner?Peter asked Anne.
No,it’s the height of sophistication,she said judiciously.
It’s just with you being new I wanted to meet you to see if you need any assistance in your work.I don’t need money,I like to serve the community in some way.Of course I am Stan’s mistress but as he’s in a bad temper today I’ve not seen him.I suspect he is growing tired of me.

Are you married,Peter asked her.
No,but I was once.My husband ran off with his brother’s wife,so we decided to pretend they were both dead.
That’s intriguing,said Peter,I am married but my wife developed an allergy to my skin.She could not bear to touch it so it became awkward… very awkward.
Fancy, and you a therapist too,she murmured softly,So where is she now?
Oh, she lives on the Isle of Man,near Peel.I do go to see her now and then… and there are lovely sunsets over there… you can see the Mountains of Mourne.
Are you lonely, she asked him very emotionally.

No,I see seven patients a day..
But that’s not the same as having a wife or a friend.
Since my wife’s allergy,I am afraid to touch another woman.
How sad,cried Anne…I have very thick skin.Would you like to touch me? she said seductively

Perhaps another time,Peter said in a kindly way,But thanks for being so generous.I am touched by your amiability and femininity and your
kindness in introducing yourself.
.
Let’s eat the curry before we die of hunger.
They sat down at the kitchen table to eat the egg curry when they saw some amber eyes gleaming at the window.

Oh, dear,There’s Emile again.
Will he tell Stan?
Probably,but actually Stan no longer wants me.Yet Emile adores me.He will be jealous… he’s a cat,but he has the feeling of a man.
And indeed Emile’s eyes were gleaming like those of a tiger… he began to speak through the window glass.
Would you mind if I had some curry?Stan never makes it… I love spices
Why not? said Peter.
Emil’s plan was to get near Anne but first he had to eat the vindaloo egg curry.He took a mouthful..my,it was hot.His eyes began to water and his nose ran…. all round the room.He mioawed piteously
I need a hanky.
We shall have to ring 999,muttered Anne.
What! Do they tend to cats?
They usually have some hankies for cats….
So without any further ado,she took out her Samsung mobile phone and rang.
I don’t know how I shall get on living here,thought Peter.
He ran across the room and jumped into the washing machine with the tea towels and kitchen cloths.
Will he escape?
Buy the next chapter…only three shilling and sixpence or free with the Daily Wail tomorrow…order now for next life delivery!

Related articles

I got infinity ‘side of my head.

Image

I was once a poor student
In desperate straits
Trying to keep myself warm
I was once a young lady
with eyes like blue pearls
Sighing for the love that was lorn.
But then my self changed s I was silence reborn.
I’ve got infinity inside my head
And the writing is on my own brain.

I’ll sing of tit willows
And flowers in spring
That dance among the tall corn.
How you were a stranger
but I knew your name.
And we danced to an ancient rhythm,.
Now I’m an old lady
With patience and heart.
I’m happy to see a new dawn.
I’ve got infinity inside my head.
And the writing gives infinity form.

Sing and be merry for soon sunshine returns
And birds begin building their nests.
Sing and be merry for as the world turns
Minds and hearts fill up with zest.

For I’ve got infinity inside my head
And I create songs with a rhythm.

Related articles

My cat and other lies

This cheered me up no end.I like cats and humor and madness

Related articles

My cat and other lies

free_animal_angels_screensaver-131729-3 ImageMy  dear…

My cat fell off the Woof.

Why was he mating with a dog?

Because he’s politically correct.

My cat fell of the Mall

Was he shopping?

No, he’s non materialistic…. he’s imaginary.

Like those queer numbers?

Be careful.You must not say,Queer number.

So what must we say?

Numbers of the imagination.

All numbers come from thje imagination.

SSshhh… we don’t want people to know numbers are a figment of the imagination.

Why not?

Life’s hard enough.

For what?

For living.

My cat rolled over me on the bed.

Was he asleep?

No,he’s training to climb Mount Everest.

My cat stole an egg.

Is he hungry?

No, he’s trying to grow a kitten in a bottle….

My cat talks to himself

Is that unusual?

Well,no,It’s impossible

Related articles

I’m the god of monster space

 

I love you and you love me!
Believer!
Where on earth should I be?
Whenever.
I blocked cookies all my life
If you want one,ask the wife.
I eat spam, and google then,
I begin all over again.
whatever.
I ban websites for a living
But my wife is very forgiving,
Men ever!
I eat splogs and gurgle blogs
Then I cut up all the logs.
Whenever.
I’ve been married fourteen times,
They divorce me for my rhymes,
Whatever.
I eat cookies if I can,
If I can’t I get them banned,
Forever!
I’m the God of Monster Space,
I’ll destroy this human race,
Moreover.
If you meet me you won’t know
‘Cos I look like old so and so,
Whoever.
But I am mad and I’ll get you
I eat up this human zoo;
Together.
Whenever.
Can’t forgive,erhhhh.

No comments please,

Related articles

 

I can’t breathe with you , my doom.

Foster Bible Pictures 0067-1 Moses Is Holding ...
Foster Bible Pictures 0067-1 Moses Is Holding Up His Rod (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Pin Index Safety System
Pin Index Safety System (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Grass
Grass (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)
Pin Index Safety System
Pin Index Safety System (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Has crime harassed your lies?
Wracked bladders are too good mannered.Don’t hang on,he urged me.
Sated with breath he put his lungs on standby as we got  laid in a field
Baptism by liars sets you up for life on earth.

Safety Pin Spinnerbait with a tandem blade con...
Safety Pin Spinnerbait with a tandem blade configuration; a Colorado blade mounted ahead of an Indiana blade. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Communion with the quaint is a beginning and confirmation is another gnostic reminder.
Do we need seven acrimony’s anymore?Sacrament,we lament.Who shall repent?
Beauty is wry for the beholder
Loyalty is like a safety pin on a tiger’s head.
Now we need to be paranoid and the calm are the mad of society.
A fig tart helps one to care less and end consolations in the bathroom
Do you tease me in your heart?
Does my heart taste good since you cooked my goose?
He was depriving me daily so I sleep with him annually instead
Endless sentences issued from his finger tips as he slept leaning over the keyboard.His unconscious never heard of a semi-colon or a
black dot that one might fall down unwittingly
Every dog has his day and he has a dog’s dinner every night.Is that enough or do we need Deconstructing?
Everything’s coming up wearing pantyhoses.Modest plants
We fell wed over a meal in an Inn.Not out!
Sin falls through the lax
I fan old flames till they disperse
Grass is always more seemly on the brother’s side of the road
I hang in a chair
Saying have a heart implies you have one that’s disconnected but suppose he has none?
A heart breaker struck me down in the desert.He felt sorry for himself he agreed.He thought he was playing pass the parcel but doom is still scaring him…even after sharing it by force
heavy heart
i can’t breathe with you in my room
i can’t live without your absence
i love you more than a pickled beetroot but not that much
in the nick of a rhyme he came and went at once or maybe twice
Sweep your chin up if nothing else
Missing the rose he peed on the daisy chain… then he pulled it.Who’d to blame?
Looking into his heart I saw nothing,not even a space.Howzat?It’s not cricket.

Related articles

Catcher of the awry

Stick deodorant (blur)
Stick deodorant (blur) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
John Deere 1710D Eco III
John Deere 1710D Eco III (Photo credit: Màrtainn)

Face with color 3

I’ve got a pain in my aspirations,doctor.
Tainted yourself into a corner again?
Buy a deodorant at once.
The choice is yours.To smell or not to smell?That is my prediction
Pandora’s locks…..can you break them?
He capers all over me,doctor.Shall I woo him or do him in?
Are you expedient in these heart shatters?
Yes,Ive gone as mad or madder
A shapely tiger got loose and entranced the crowd till it ate me.
You who have eyes to see,be mateful.
John passes all ways,all gays and all plays… is he incorrect?
Will you pass the cat around now?
She passed by with such trying colors.
She crossed me with crying horrors and more unknown tomorrows..
Let me doubt now, if you tease.
He always took the path of least persistence.And he did so very hell for himself.
She felt the wrath of his insistence.
She knew the path of his consistence.
She has become partially discontentinent ..do you have any disposable happiness on sale here ?
Their love affair is pay as you row.They will soon be wealthy.
Let me not to the flurries of true passion admit a calmness.
What is love if not a plaster?Present dearth is no mean grafter
Catcher of the awry.
Pun your way to Heaven and meet all the writers there

Related articles

What not to read tomorrow:The universe does not give a flying fuck

Image

You can look inside on Amazon but don’t waste your money.I

Write text here…

Related articles

Could Wittgenstein well?

Do you think philosophy’s monotonous?

Prefer  an elephant to a  hippopotamus?

Do not feel sad

When joy can be had

From seeing which writes are dichotomous.

A plunesh bull in a kitch
A plunesh bull in a kitch

Is your spelling far wurse than myne?

Are your thoughts far from sublyme?

Could Jacques Derrida spell?

Could Wittgenstein well?

Answering these questions will take up our tyme

Related articles

Oh,won’t you give me a kiss?


Autumn 2013 047 2

I once had a boyfriend from Diss
Who was too shy to give me a kiss.
He gazed with round eyes,
Whenever I told lies
Which rather depleted my bliss.

I rarely tell lies to my lovers
As round me like birds they all hover.
I never succumb
Which makes them feel glum,…
But love is not worth all the bother.

I prefer conversation to sex
And I prefer money to cheques.
We all have our view
On what we should do.
I even prefer talking to texts

Related articles

There’s many a true word spoken to test.

Cats five

There’s many a true word spoken to test.
Was it ever true that mother knew best?
And is it wrong to begin a sentence with words such as “but”?
Or will you merely look like an ass with no foot
There’s many a slip between top and hip.
Is there time now for my daily quip?
But should you wish to start your sentence with “and”,
Make sure you study lines of the land
There’s many a lie that’s told in terror.
And many good actions are done in error.
Moreover,if you think that logic is essential for men
Never end a sentence with words such as “when.”
Rules are useless when gambling with crooks.
Never use words that are rude such as “fux.”
Thus if you are still with me at this rage of the game..
Fill out this form and set it aflame

Related articles

Will I ever be a poet? No,never!

Image 

Did you ever have a lover
with long red hair?
For long red hair
seems quite unfair.

Did you ever have a lover
and then another lover?
For there's added gain
if you feel no pain.

Did you ever have a lover
who loved your eyes
and never ever lied,
and let you cry?
Whatever was the trouble.

You'll never have a lover.
if you have no time for others
for love needs care,
say,what is here.

Here and there are many lovely people
who live with their lives with scruples;
if you're scruple free,
then let it be.

Oh,let it be is fine,
Except for the divine.
I want to be involved
For I can't please all the folk,
Who touch me with their talk.
My heart has melted down...
and now I've grown a world
completely on my own.

Were you ever quite alone
Like a toad under a stone?
Did you ever hear a groan
as you wrote your poem?

For you'll never write a poem
that makes me laugh..
Because my feet are in the shower
but my body's in the bath.
My head is on the shelf...
and I've lost all of my teeth...
Yet you will love me
Evermore.
What allure!
so clear..

Evermore and evermore
You'll be standing on the shore
Watching the horizon,
wondering what she lies on.

Oh,you'll never be a poet,
Unless you learn your notes..
They take you to the limit.....
Love.whatever is it?Evermore,evermore...
The words seem like a roar...
I love your heart's deep core.
Ever more and ever more.
Related articles

I’m finding Derrida de-structured

wittgensteinMunch-studio-Getty95002154

I’m finding Derrida  de-structured

And Levinas‘ face makes me smile

Who would have conjectured

That one day I’d lecture

On  thoughfullness and all its trials?

I  prefer Kierkegaard to Sartre

Who sometimes makes me feel queer.

Who would have expected

That words would be texted

As men smoked cigarettes and drank beer?

Some people like reading Jane Austen

While others juggle with Wittgensein.

Who would have discarded

The notes in the margins?

How sweetly these words recombine

Munch liked to paint people screaming,
his premonitions  were strong
Who else would have expected
The human destruction
Europe brought to the world before long?

‘ow Ah used te speek

A modern reenactment of a Viking battle
A modern reenactment of a Viking battle (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Photo0920 frozen 1When ah were in’t town
Ah met sum folk from up our road.
She sed,you’ve got a verry educated accent
and moreover you luk just like wa daughter in law,
She’s Danish.Am sure you must be related to her.
Ah,sed,the Vikings did get to Ireland..
I expect am descended from them.
Actually i wasn’t talking like that at first
But when they said,you have no accent I suddenly found
If Ah shut mi nostrils and kept my mouth barely open
Ah cud talk just like I used to..
But mi face is configured differently.
When I got home,I wer tellin’ mi husband
but he finds it distressin’ like;
Cud be it reminds ‘im of his dad and mam
And all the uther folk he knew when eh wer growin’ up
Bit it hurts now he’s not got them any more.
Am I putting on an act?
Which is real,what I once was,
or what I became.
Well,luv,ah’ve got numor to say now…Ta ta.
Ooh,it’s rainin’ again and the sheets are out in the backstreet.
Oh,bugger.

Related articles

My soul looks for new insight

By a  lonely stone,I wept,for I knew
My hoping tool had gone
My soul was a widow
Whichj  groaned
My whole being was on fire for
My whole had  made him stare,yet
My soul reached doubt in the night
My soul looks for new insight,yet
My stomach was tied up with bots from the computer and I felt very queer

My tears fell like pain
My blundering sole fell out of the ftying pan….
No one undervalues tea
No one true love is perfect
She wore pearls  strung on twine

Join the ruining

Image

by Katherine Marmalade

Image

Please leave the Church when the bull rings.

Please keep off the yawns

Please sleep in your own ruins

Please deceive the women kindlily

No men followed here

Men must  lift their nits as a mine of university.

Please do not lust after sinning.

Sex is not work on Sundays.

No sex until you join the union.

You must pass a breast before driving in the UK

The Government seem very refused over child poverty

Do men love bugging women?

Free blank cheques for billionaires given out daily.

I just can’t scalp it.

It’s chicken or quiver with dumplings.

Do you leak any languages  properly?

Protect your mattress,Sleep on the door.

Why not hang yourself tonight?

She kept men in the wardrobe and clothes on the floor.

Related articles

Too chaste?

bathers-or-two-nude-women-gustave-courbet

Too chaste?

That’s a bit personal..I know

Is there an ideal level of chastity?

Can one be 40 per cent chaste?

Are there grades of chastity?

Is there a test for chastity?

If not,why is that?

If there is,hide it!

Is chastity a good idea?

Or just an idea…

Too chaste for whom?

Related articles

How to disobey everyone

How to be original by obeying one simple rule:never obey a rule.

How to be chaste by one simple method:Get a phobia about sex.Vomit when it comes into your mind.That will deter others but is it worth it?

How to be kind:Pretend all other people are you.

How to sleep well:Try to stay awake all night.

How to keep calm when drowning:Go with the flow.

How to be happy:Let yourself be sad.

How to get thin:Have a nasty lover.

How to get fat:Never move except on wheels

Related articles

Why there are ten commandments

Moses with the Ten Commandments
Moses with the Ten Commandments (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
English: Moses Pleading with Israel, as in Deu...
English: Moses Pleading with Israel, as in Deuteronomy 6:1-15, illustration from a Bible card published 1907 by the Providence Lithograph Company (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Moses climbed the mountain
And he got to the top,
God was waiting for him,
He didn’t say a lot.
He said, Take my commandments
They are written on this stone,
I have only fifty,
Or was it fifty one?
Moses was very worried
~about the human race.
Fifty one commandments
Would meet with strong distaste.
So he told God his troubles
And God thought long and hard.
He came back with the commandments
Written on a card.
How many have you got there?
Moses politely said?
I’ve got it down to ten, said God.
His eyes were very red.
So Moses took the postcard
And put it on his pad.
He said I’d better get back down.
Oh, and thank you Dad!
When Moses got to earth
He called his people near.
He produced his i Pad.
Look what I’ve got here!
I saw God on the mountain.
He gave me a few rules.
They’re easy to remember.
We are not moral fools.
How many of these rules
Has God given to you?
I got it down to ten.
Let’s see how we can do.
Ten is far too many,
Some of the people cried.
We don’t want these rules.
We hate to feel we’re tied.
But all games have their rules.
They’re what define the game.
If we had utter chaos
This loss would be a shame.
As pictures have their frames,
And lessons have strict times.
We need some good constructions,
Like poems need their rhymes.
So all his people heard him.
And they agreed to try.
They lived as best they could
Until they came to die.
But one part of this story
We will never know–
What were all those commandments
That Moses did not show?
And why did God give in
To Moses’ bargain plea?
Do not ask for Moses,
For Moses name is “ME”

Related articles