Belief in the Lord has decreased
But in Satan belief has not ceased
Advocatas diobili
What an anomaly!
There are many and this is the least
“
“Advocatus diaboli” is the devil’s advocate”,usually used metaphorically I think
Tag: humor
English News addenda
Not content with passing out at her wedding and fainting on the honeymoon Rose Lee of Houndsden has become unconscious of her duties as a English woman and forgotten to wear a woollen jumper in her underheated home.As a result she is now in an inverted coma at the totally defunct Highlands Hospital where she was said to be “texting”
A woman in Blingford refused to wash up and has been given a penalty point by the judge in nearby Wertex.Her husband has got a chance of winning if he gets his foot out of the door and his key out of the lock.
A man of 90 in Blewcastle on Line won 19 million pounds in the lottery and is getting married on Saturday,Sunday and Monday.
They will honeymoon in Lands End Grotto before going home to give birth to half triplets.His only comment is,Beware of the Gods and the Dogs.He breeds those as well
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My cliche day
If you are wondering why I write these cliche based sentences,I do it for amusement and also it can throw up ideas which I use in my writing.It’s a bit like fishing
A disgrace that launched a browsing app happened by sheer misfortune when her pyjamas fell down
My web rage is uncalcuble,my spelling is distractable.
He had a face which launched a thousand quips
She had lace which taunted a horde of lips
Trace my musings on my blog journal: A woman’s gay life with men and other tales of joy and woe
Falls and doubts:my life story in briefs
Her face derailed a thousand apps
Her place emailed a thousand apes
She was bare and fair but only in the photograph
Hair play banned by crickets on marsh and other news
The fairness was niggling at him..wait and be,she cried but no, he had to do and so he did
Tete a rumpli ;
.Overworked?Don’t persecute yourself; let us do it for you
Police believed me,and I’m set to go with the blow
I no longer live through him.
Faith will be moved by haunting the Bible
Do not fall on my words.They are paper thin
Fall on a bard and get a licking.See the phone app now!
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Eyes and ears
I once was employed as a spy
But then I went blind in one eye,,
However they just said,.
Use both ears instead,
I still cannot see but I try,
Later I was employed as a cook
To look up receipts in cookbooks.
But try as I might
Without my eyesight
I saw nothing however long I looked
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Men sheep
- feel so sorry for the bookworms that lived in the caves alongside the first humans.They must have gnawed on bones for thousands of years until someone opened a library.
When you say someone opened a library it makes it sound like a tin of soup.
Yes,think of the waste of tinned food till somebody invented the electric tin opener.
It makes me think.
What about?
The tragedies all around us.
Like the worms tha live in the soil underneath the London Eye.
How about the bats that lived in Stratford until that gigantic shopping centre was opened.
Still I must admit it’s been very good news for all the shoplifters in East London where there were no shops worth lifting.
And all the thieves who had no rich people to steal from.
What about all those writers who lived before alphabets were invented and so they had to become artists instead
It’s enough to make a man weep.
Oh,I wouldn’t go as far as that.
No,you always were faint hearted…
Well,heart transplants may have been invented but I don’t want one,
Do you want two?
I am indecisive.
I’m under sized
Lucky sized!
Give over.
Why?
You might make me laugh and comedy may not have been invented yet.
what a tragedy.
Let’s cry…if it’s been invented!
I’ll weep if not. - How lucky we are that reading had been i nvented as what would we do with our writing otherwise
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I asked,why do you smoke when we kiss?
My husband is so enigmatic
he makes Mona Lisa dramatic.
Except for the night
The bed set alight
And he screamed on a scale near chromatic.
I said, why do you smoke when we kiss?
Apart from that,love is pure bliss
He said,my heart is on fire,
The smoke ascapes via
My mouth. my nose,my desire
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He was my epiphany
Loose in the fields of green…
Oh, my own lover!
He was such a bold flirt;
with his love unclaimed,
he could recite George Boole
he was one of the old Cool.
He never reached his goal.
so with my bling and some flair
I hoped he’d open the enchanted bud
To the music of his lyre.
I’ll pray this for him:
T hat he should find what he wreaks
and write it down with a stylus.
Really he is the allurement of angels
He was my epiphany
Make it up, as the clocks clang..
It’s not really you…it’s just an affliction.
I can do nothing for my calves
It’s because of all the punning I did once.
I can’t even lump a stone over a wall now.
My arms are as weak as Trojans.
I never suffer viruses to be declassified.
Like I said,just wink and say a prayer..
In God we dare
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A happy middle
l Silverstein > Quotes > Quotable Quote
“There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part,
So just give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.”
Well.I disagree.He wrote that because it rhymes
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There’s a tear in my soup
Take your hands off my flea.
Bake your sands in the sea.
Once written twice the guy.
Too many books boil the brain
Lovers make good bedcovers.
One odd fellow does not a lover make.
Keep writing on till the send button goes.
Waiter,there’s a tear in my soup.
He tore into the soup with all his might.
I shall love you till I have resigned.
We write sonnets on the wall.
We have no wailing malls here yet but people are getting more careful/
The dentist took out my beef….and it was roasted too!
What is lurking in the bread?
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Sodden England is wetter than ever
We used to have a climate so mild
we rarely had winds that were wild
But since Christmas last
No day has gone past
Without rain that would drown a small child.
We wonder why England’s so wet.
Are we like old Job so be set
Exams and ordeals
Which make all of us reel…
Are good and evil beset?
Scotland wants to break right away.
And they have not much rain these days.
Are we English at last
To be punished for our past?
Not even the Pope likes to say
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Dear Dr.Kay
Dear Dr.Kay
Please help me.I have far fewer fiends than my friends do and I feel envious.Where did they get them from?Is it too late for me.I have a little devil here in my house but he’s shy.I do have a demon too but after being out through the wringer he’s become an angel.
I don’t wish to become sinful but do I need to use more coarse language to attract fiends and if so how can I learn it.I believe TV plays are one possibility.
Is there a helpline for fiendless ladies?And is it free?I am getting short of money as the dentist has stolen most of it and wants even more.
Or should I get a man to take me to a nightclub?What will happen?I hear yiu have to go to bed now on the first date.Well,suppose you don;t like their odour and their beards?
Is there a website where I could buy 3 or 4 fiends? And if they become toxic can I dispose of them safely like old computers?
Thanks for reading and looking forward to a response
Yours sincerely
Nut case
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I’m never quite sure what eyes can see
When I was alive and a girl what’s more
I never went to bed in case I snored…
I avoided the bathroom and never used soap
Unless it was dangling from a rope.
Unless it was examined through a microscope.
When I was a girl and never saw a boy
I bought some plasticine and made a toy.
I never went to bed alone at night
I took a cat which sure could bite.
I took a cat and we had a fight..
When I was a ghost I haunted fools
Like the teacher at my school.
I never went to bed as I never sleep…
And then I fall into a heap.
And then I fall into the deep.
When I was a woman I was claimed by a man,,
He said,I have a frying pan.
We went to bed and he knew me…
And all my body was his to see.
And all my body was buzzing like a bee……
Then I grew old and withered and lined
We both fell into a decline.
We went to bed and we kissed and joked
Lit cigarettes and we both smoked.
Lit cigarettes and we both stroked.
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What had caused me to behave with depravity.
Sometimes I just write to make myself laugh and I hope others may laugh too.
I went to the doctor today
I was filled with elation and gravity.
I told him I was unable to say
What had caused me to behave with depravity.
He asked did I want any pills
I threw them all down the lavatory.
He said women have weaker wills…
This makes living with one such a purgatory,
I said I have lost my tom cat
If you see him, he’s called Mr. Mcavity
He offered to tame me a rat.
So I asked him to send me to Coventry.
I whirled around in my bed
Surely dreams should be celebratory?
I know no man ever bakes bread…
Yet they call it history not herstory.
Oh,why not let go of the reins
Run wild with the escapatorii
At least they have blood in their veins
And stiff whiskey runs through right through their arteries
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Cliches
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Hints for life
Cat got your song then? I thought you’d licked it once or twice then mioawed all night
I am Miss Taken.How do you sue?
She fell head over wheel and got the handlebars into a brand new formation before dying of boredom
I always read above the lines of lassitude as I long for your trembling touching timidity to pass by on the other side.
Laughter is the best sedattive not invented by man.
Waking up on the wrong side of the body is disconcerting if you are not dead yet
I wanted to dither on the dotted line but he read me the riot tact and that was the end
Butt clenching strain made him feint in a lively manner with a spanner from the works
Heart-stopping dearness made me love him
I love you more than strife and health
And hence they all lived happily ever dafter
The quiet before I was born was delightfully calming.. like being dead could be in the womb of God
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Gambol through life
Doctor,doctor,100 per cent of the patients waiting has died.
You mean have died,surely?
No,doctor,there was only one!
Doctor,doctor,50% of the patients is men today!
You mean “are men;do learn grammar”
Well,there are just two patients!
So 50% is women.
A woman!
Doctor,doctor,33.333333% of the patients is a child.
I am unsure if it’s your grammar,the topic or the fact that 1/3 can’t be written as a finite decimal number that is making me feel queer today,
Well,doctor,be gay if you like.I am ok with that!
I seem to fluctuate.Is that normal?
Who gives a damn about what’s normal?
The abnormal?
Doctor,doctor,50% of my fingers have fallen off.
And you can still calculate percentages.That’s a miracle.
To me it’s a catastrophe.
Don’t worry,I can reattach them if they are to hand.
What a funny way you have of talking English.
Speaking English..
Speaking,talking,uttering,muttering…I don’t get you Anglos.
I’m a Jew!
Well,you are an English Jew.You wear an English hat on your noble head with its amber eyes
And you are an English Indian.You wear an England scarf around your elegant neck!
Our Venn diagrams intersect.What a miracle!
That’s two miracles already.Before we even think about Venn diagrams.
It’s the intersection that we like…
Yes,100% of us two like them.
We agree.We beat the percentages.
The odds.
Life’s a gamble
Or a gambol?
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A letter or two
He gave me a fast party tickle..
I kissed his algebraic form.
He’s only a number to me.I am numb all over.
He says he’ll give me peace of mind.But did he mean a piece of his mind?
What tense are your muscles?
Is the past infinite?
Can we split the indifferent?
Was the past subjective?
Subjunctive is Latin for may be.
How about the past, was it perfect,imperfect or inconceivable?
What is the future when not dense? Very intense..
Grimmer than grammar: the autolieography of a woman of many alarm clocks
Can a noun be irrational?Can my name be a verb?
What about an infinite sequence of jumbles?Is it useful?
What is a transcendental word?
I hate logs but like rhymes.Log-of-rhymes is my next book.
Why do letters need indices?So we can locate them?
I sent a letter to my love… which letter? A?
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She ran away one day with cunning stealth
My mother was a lady of skilful wealth
She used to shop in Harrod’s,right from the shelf
She stole China tea as it’s good for the health
Mother had a most peculiar sense of self.
She liked to study the stars and moon
So many dark nights were spent in gloom
Yet for her husband it was a boon
As her presence spread a feeling of deepest doom.
She ran away one day with cunning stealth
Society blamed her sense of self
She’d met a young man whom she called Ralph.
Who gave her many children of whom I’m the twelfth.
So, remember, the moral of my tale is none.
Love the neighbours,then choose one.
He’ll give you some daughters and a son
Now my verse is almost …….. gone.
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Deceit using percentages
Doctor,doctor.Fifty percent of the patients have gone crazy.
So how many is that?
One.
You should have said,fifty percent of the patients has gone crazy.
That sounds ungrammarly
So did that!
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The algebra of messaging and commenting
xxxx = I like/love you/it
yyyyy=I can’t understand it.
zzzzz= I feel sleepy after I read your writing.
uuuuu= You are self absorbed,narcissistic or an egoist.
vvvvv= I want to view more
wwwww= I want to wee urgently but postponed till I read this.
xyxyxy= Love it but it’s incomprehensible.
xzxzxzxz-= Love it and feel drowsy and relaxed
yzyzyzy== too tired but trying to comprehend
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List of ward rules
Please do not view smartphones whilst walking about.
Please do not fall over after rising from the bed.
Kindly do not tell the doctor he is stupid.He knows.
The doctor is only a pest sometimes.So act accordingly
Kindly pretend to listen to the Consultant on his round.He is human,we presume
Kindly do not eat cream buns or meringues in front of the Consultant.He is on a diet.
Kindly avoid catching any bugs belonging to or emantaing from this hospital.
Kindly do not sleepwalk whilst here.
Please do not swallow your Kindle before lights out.
Keep yourself clean.Take a bed by the open window during a storm.
Kindly avoid dying when we are busy.Wait for some space.
I
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Can limericks be dark?
I am studying poetic forms.
http://www.criticalreading.com/poetry.htm
In general the limerick is a humorous form.That is,both historically and by the shape and brevity.Yet I am trying to write some miserable limericks.I am finding it harder than I expected.The first one certainly has come out with more than a hint of fun
AS BROAD AS IT’S WIDE
I once had therapeutic depression
The counsellor wept through my session
So I gave my advice
As broad as it’s wise.
Depression sure beats going fishin’
ANXIOUS
I feel very anxious today
Would I do better to worry or to pray?
I’ll trust in the dark
Tn the bush by the park.
Till a man comes along feeling gay.
I see the very nature of the form almost makes it compulsory to be funny.It’s lines 4 and 5 I think
NEW FRIEND
I hate my new man friend already
I thought he would make me more steady
But I feel giddy and sick
When he gives me a lick.
Such a dog’s not ideal for a lady.
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I’ll love you when I be
‘Twas but a reptile passing by.
It flew across the deep blue sky
Why do reptiles fly so high?
I’ll love you till I die.
“Twas but a cat under the moon.
Did you have a silver spoon?
Why can’t cats all waul in tune?
I’ll love you very soon
‘Twas but a wooden legged man,
Carrying a large brass saucepan.
Why can’t men do what women can?
I’ll love you better than.
Why are adverbs?
What are nouns?
why do circuses have clowns?
I’ll love you lying down.
Where do dreams go in the day?
What game can we adults play?
Can you or can you not say?
I’ll love you,in my way.
‘Twas but a verse that seemed so free.
It floated over my oak tree.
I have eyes but cannot see.
I’ll love you when I be
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Windows are the why of the house
The phrase “the window of opportunity” seems not wholly satisfactory
Admittedly you can see through a window unless you have thick net curtains but how many of us would be able to leap out of the window and seize the opportunity by the throat,if you see what I mean? And if you were in the attic you’d be dead before you got there…so what we need are “doors of opportunity”
The problem with that is you can’s see through a door unless it’s either got a window or is a glass door..So if you want success try living outside in a transparent tent where nothing will get in your way if anything passes by and your will get free publicity
I expect the phrase was made up by someone who writes speeches for politicians.
If you want a to succeed you must grasp the windows of opportunity as they go by and squeeze every last drop of rum out of them [try the tygers of wrath too]
She was only a little window but she was the window for me
Do not ask what your windows can do for you but what you can do for your windows.
Look through the windows and seize the day.Unless it’s a dark night in which case visit a brothel if they have windows
And one day all our children will be able to choose their own windows..red,yellow ,……………..mix your own…..free windows ..
Windows are the eyes of the house
Don’t be shy if opportunity peeks into your window.Peek right back at it…
Ich bin ein Window! Moi aussi.Ma femme!
Where is she now, the rich widow of my opportunity?
To look or not to look.Out of a selection
Never close the door in case someone wealthy passes by on the other side.and merely glances at your window.
Now is the Window of our discontent made gloriously plumper with our sunny walk
One good window deserves another.
I’ll be your window, if you open your door
Windows,they ought to be taxed I say.
Windows.. they give you an illusion of being in the sun but did you know we can see in…and we saw you and the mirror on your ceiling…anything to say in your pretence?
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Your story
Children are conceived in between men’s cruel cycles.
Children are conceived when a woman becomes deceptive.
Children are conceived because men keep taking their hands out of their trouser pockets.
Children save money when ladies don’t menstruate for nine months.After that they take milk and honey on a tea spoon
Children are conceived in the muddle of the moon’s teeth and icicles.
Children are conceived but not perceived till later on.
Children need to be born so they wait for a good moment when two lovers are full of desire then they enter unseen in a moment of bliss.
Remember when those two particles fell in love?There’s this egg and all the sperm swim by and she says,no,no,no,Oh,Yes.I’t ll take this one.The rest is your story,Go well
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The dog’s grave needs weeding
I have to iron my husband tonight.
I have to feed the bugs now
Sorry,i am washing the cat’s hair.
Sorry,I have to faint later.
I have to press my husband weekly
The television needs watering.
The dog’s grave needs weeding
I have gone blind so cannot read your email.My humble apologies.
I am dead so don’t write again.
You don’t believe I’m dead… it was you who cut me!
I told you,I’m dead.
Why will they never believe what they read?
I rue the day I set eyes on your face.I should have used aspic jelly
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She loved an adverb more than me
My wife has left me for an adverb. I don't know which one it is! Is it slowly,quickly, nearly? Life should not be like a quiz. She told me that she "nearly" loved me, When "dearly" was what I had hoped. Life is full of lost illusions... How do we 'reaved lovers cope I think I should have kept it secret, For now I sit and sadly grieve. Do you think my wife is cruel? What a strange excuse to leave! Would she leave me for a pronoun? Would she leave for a full stop? Would I leave you for a quote mark? Would I fall down in a black dot? Come back,darling for I love you. I have learned I must take care. I will go for grammar lessons. I am sure I can learn flair! We can write a poem together, You can choose the topic,dear. I will hold my pen and write for They say true love drives out fear. Did I fear her? Did I love her? Was she worthy of my heart? Did she dislike my hairy nostrils? Was that why we had to part? Come back Mary,come back Mavis. Come back Sunny, come back Sue Without my wife I feel so lonely. What is a left man to do? Shall I vote for love or money? Shall I throw my self away? Shall I get a new agenda? Will a new life start today? Come back Miriam,come back Sarah! Where have all the women gone? Come back Rivka with your grammar. I can feed you a cheese scone. I work hard and I can cook. I put fresh linen on the bed. I can pay my bills in full. But without my Love,my heart is dead |
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I have a calling to follow
I think my vocation is sacred.
I keep seeing visions of God.
He’s like a bright light
Exceedingly right
Does anything seem to be odd?
I have a calling to follow
I just do not know the details
I pray and I wait.
By yonder lychgate
Do vocations ever get into the Sales?
I would like it if I could buy one
I’ll give you all the money I’ve saved
Sell my idea?
My dear,no fear!
Just consider how well I’ve behaved.
Everyone has a vocation
To be who they know that they are.
Yet I am not me
Without you to be
Here in my arms by the fire.
I’ll get an answer tomorrow
As I dream of God during the night
She will give me an image
And the much needed courage
To go on till I see the Light.
The problem is one of translation,
For God speaks in symbols not words
Symbols are wells
in which truth dwells.
And the Spirit swoops down like a bird.
Why not find your vocation?
It’s possible whatever your age.
Attend to your dreams
and how your life seems
Vocations are now all the rage
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Stan in hell
-
Stan was standing on the patio when a sudden downpour drenched him all over.
This is like a monsoon,he murmured to Emile who was also wet.
A head appeared over the fence.
I’m awfully sorry,old boy.A pipe has burst in Annie’s loft.
I don’t believe it.You are Stan Brown.It must be 50 years since I saw you as a student… you were hopeless at logic too.
Stan was hiding his surprise at seeing Rudolf Hairnet,his former tutor at an ancient foundation of learning and sin, in the garden of Annie,Stan’s beloved once more [now he has swept out his sacred space and put a bolt on the door.]
Why not pop in Rudolf,he said.I’ll leave the door open and go upstairs to change my clothes.Be with you in a moment.
Stan went upstairs and removed his clothes.His body was now as thin as when he reached his full height of 6 ft 6 inches but alas it had less muscle and more fat..He gazed into his wife’s mirror.
To his surprise he saw Satan looking out.Although he knew this was possible for Catholics he had never met Satan before.
How do you get behind the mirror,he asked gently.
God only knows,said Satan morosely.
Why not ask him?
I’m too proud,the poor devil replied in a bleak voice.
Well,we all have our pride,Stan told him,though no doubt yours is the biggest size in the universe.
Yes,indeed,Satan answered.
Are you here for any special purpose,Stan enquired.
Yes,your home seems more intriguing than most and I like to watch you in bed with that flame haired woman.
I see,said Stan,You are a voyeur.
That’s one way of describing me,Satan said,no woman will come to bed with me so I am trapped here behind every mirror in the world.I can see it all but never take part.
You must be very lonely,said Stan
Yes,the dark spirit muttered.
Are there no she-devils about who might oblige you?
I don’t seem to fancy them so much.They are all as bad a me,I want kindness and tenderness not just lust.After all,one might satisfy that with a vibrator… we have them in hell you know!Free/
Why,you are beginning to sound almost human,Stan told him.That’s what we want too.If only you would apologise to God I am sure he would forgive you and let you come into the real world of others instead of being trapped in there
Stan heard a noise.He turned round displaying his bony frame and his organs to Rudolf.
Are you ok?I was worried that the drenching had knocked you off balance.I have put your kettle on the fire to make you a hot drink and phoned 999 for aid.
But we don’t have a fire,Stan responded.
Well,you do now said Rudolf,so let’s enjoy the flames while we can.
To whom were you talking in there?
I was on my mobile,said Standefensively.
But where was it?You had nothing on ?
On second thoughts,please don’t tell me.I’ve heard some strange stories but arsing about with a why,hi phone is not one I wish to dwell on.
That’s logicians for you.No interest in the wilder shores of life ,Stan told himself as he went downstairs and joined Rudolf in a good cup of tea with sugar and biscuits
And that is what I need to recover from writing down this very odd tail…
And so does Dave the poor young paramedicKindly refrain from reblogging or re- tweeting as amusement often offends.
Please read with baited breath.You may catch something.
Do not email you comments to me at :kitswits@hellsangels..co.uk
nor at :cleverlady@hotmail.hell.com
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We won’t allow for any detours
The morning sun attracts me
From the avenues of sleep
From my tiny clock I see
It’s almost half past eight.
But you keep rolling my way
And I’ll keep rolling yours,
And we won’t allow for any detours.
I drink my tea and coffee
From a very special cup
you gave it to me long ago
And from it I shall sip.
You keep rolling my way
And I’ll keep rolling yours,
And we won’t allow for any detours.
We were once so innocent
And now we are so wise.
I see the sun reflecting
in the mirror of your eyes
You keep rolling my way
And I’ll keep rolling yours,
And we won’t allow for any detours
Our lives are growing longer
And our eyes are growing weak.
And please forgive me now
I have to take a leak.
You keep rolling my way
And I’ll keep rolling yours,
And we won’t allow for any detour
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Mal a la tete and other English problems
Please read my introductions.
Humor from essays.
The main purpose of sex is multiple onanisms.
Children are deceived half way through a womans bicycle.
Sex should not cause rubble in bed.
Married folk can kiss on the Sabbath only.
Please do not whore coal in the bath.
In the UK sex is overcome by talent.
Please repress yourself in the kitchen.
Do not split up before dinner.
Men need to buy flowers as a sign of wear.
Change is feasible on a weekend.
Free sex is not at A and E.Joy is to be had at the. Doctor`s.
Witch doctors,you mean?
Men need all.
Women have it.
So why all the problems?
How my heart speaks 