Doctor, I saw my husband againlast nightI ’I ‘m afraid the NHS can’t help you. But he’s an hallucination.Can’t I have an electric block? Do stop showing off.I already know you taught Philosophy at Cambridge That’s why I am like this. Like what? Peculiar. You seem charming to me/ I can’t have that on the NHS. You are correct there. You’ll have to become private But I have paid tax all my adult life. That was not intended for creating a love life for old people Well, that is better than using it to buy material for bombs You make it seem like the Government are terrorists Well, white is white and black is black.Fuzzy logic, bring it back.Yes in a very real sense they are Terrorists. I see you need some very major tranquillisers I have stemetil for vertigo Take the whole box. Doctor,I usually take the pills.Maybe YOU need help Stop playing with words I will play with anything I choose if it is free. Are you praying on the NHS No, I only do it at home Can we not haggle? No I can’t afford it.I’ll go to church, that is free Hurry or they will sell them to Trump. I don’t think G-d would like that What’s G-d got to do with it? All and nothing ,I fear Whatever can be said,can be said simply. But most things can’t be said And so say all of us Thanks,Wittgenstein. That is my cat! What wit What a twit The end
“A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.” ― Ludwig Wittgenstein“A serious and good philosophical work could be written consisting entirely of jokes.” ― Ludwig Wittgenstein
Your eyes are sharp as razors boiled in wrath It’s easy to provoke but less to soothe My hair is protein, do not rip it off
You think you are above us yet we laugh Your hair curls tightly. men don’t like it smooth Your eyes are sharp as razors boiled in wrath
Though my hair is tangled I’ve no moths I have no lice, nor eggs,so do not brood My hair is protein, do not cut it off
You’ll catch nineteen germs if someone coughs Stay in Lockdown, banish those who feud Your eyes are sharp as needles boiled in wrath
,
Take your steely look and make it love Our eyes can with such kindness be imbued My hair is protein,I must be a Goth
Life is wasted when we start to feud Or stick like needles in the rounded gtoove Your eyes are sharp as hawks sent up in wrath O tragic world,men hate more than they love
Loneliness is only known to man When he burns the copper frying pan From the marriage bed he’s tossed aside For pans are more important to a wife
Yet if she breaks their lovely china plates He is not allowed to castigate Oh,men! That is a phrase I hate Generalising is a crude mistake
Now I am alone, I’ve burned eight pans I broke the dinner plates with careless plans I broke the special mugs we loved so much All because I missed his soothing touch
The memories fill my heart with love and light In my dreams he comes into my sight
I burned eight pans while I daydreamed in grief I meant to cook my dinner while I wrote My attention was too sparse,a narrow brief I burned eight pans while I swam in deep grief This war on objects makes my mind a thief Where once love lived, I see his empty coat. I burned eight pans while knocked about by grief I tried to cook my supper I saw smoke
What is very sad is to realise 48 million people voted for Donald Trump and their hatred or rage won”t disappear whatever happens. So we will have to remain calm,try not to get ssucked in
Sembra molto, ma 65 milioni di persone vivono qui, quindi sono circa 1,5 ciascuno. Un numero senza contesto è difficile da interpretare. Poi di nuovo, alcune persone usano foglie [da vecchi libri}
Ti consiglio di andare in bagno quando sei fuori, se possibile, purché sia pulito o per uomini
provare il giardino sul retro di tanto in tanto finché i droni di Google Maps non ci sono
Non smettere di bere acqua, tè, ecc. Poiché la disidratazione è pericolosa. Il riscaldamento centrale asciuga l'aria.
Ho quasi scritto Central Hating, perché dovrebbe essere?
It seems a lot but 65 million people live here so it’s about 1.5 each.A number without a context is hard to interpret.Then again, some people use leaves [ from old books} I advise you to go to the toilet when you are out if possible as long as it is clean or for men try the back garden now and then as long as Google Maps drones are not there Do not stop drinking water, tea etc as dehydration is dangerous.Central Heating dries the air.
I became a lover of Leonard Cohen after my husband died.I used to listen for hours Then the day before Trump became President.LC died after falling
I am glad he didn’t have to live through the past four years as he had cancer I could believe he died because he knew what dreadful things would happen in the USA and then also in Europe and the UK
The force of habit cripples human thought Habit runs along a well oiled rail Resist the easy path, be whom you ought The force of habit cripples human thought Predictions then are truth by cunning sought As the heavy hammer hits the nail The force of habit cripples human thought Habit sends us down the nearest rail
Down the kitchen stairs they carried you Two men were enough, the coffin crew I wanted to take off the lid to see If Daddy was asleep. had not left me
Mute and frozen I stood like a stone In this the place we loved and made a home We knelt down by the fire to say night prayers The flames stood up like fingers in the air
The soot fell down, we had a little brush To sweep the ash,remains of forests crushed. Later grand-dad died , my brothers pale Carried his dear coffin down the aisle
Imagined into being by the Mass Jesus whispered when the storm had passed
Boris Johnson combed his hair today I knelt down and said my morning prayers Then I saw that Trump is even worse I knelt down and made my morning curse
Why do we put trust in men who lie Who tweet at night and out the sentence flies Insomniacs are better reading books Or wondering how their bulbs are going to look
I have many books inside my head Who takes them out when I feel I am dead? All the fantasies not yet fulfilled And the pile of umpteen unpaid bills It’s hard to prepare one’sself for sudden death My advice is not to lose your breath
I picked his brains… Oh, was there a large choice?
I am picking my daughter up at the Station Why, does she weigh less there? I can’t decide between the Isle of Man & the Isle of Wight I suggest the Isle of Purbeck I’ve never heard of it Well, you have now
I decided on the Menu Stop trampling my cards.
My husband was very infectious With what? Laughter! I must amuse myself I’d like to amuse you How? By trying to make love But you’re a cripple Yes, that is why it amuses people You mean you’ve done it before I am 85 so it would be odd if I had never done it before Even odder if you did it now with your arthritis and your weak heart At least I’d die laughing.
I tried to read his mind Do you have special spectacles? No, just a special imagination I saw him kissing a woman at the Station Maybe the hotels were all full I committed adultery three times I expected better of you Well,I am sure I can do it 20 times given time As long as you are not doing time
You are the most handsome man I’ve never seen
Don’t make a scene How about a Heard? What of, cows? I can’t hear you. Come closer I don’t know what you think I am.But I’m not
Shall we eat in bed? As long as we don’t have to sleep on the Table More so if it is log table I was afraid of that book of tables Could you not understand? Yes,I not understand very well.I got degree in it Wow, you must be clever I just don’t understand anything Congratulations
How can you read road sign from a car Do stay for tea and our cats’ seminar I used to live in Bury but I moved However hard you try. this can’t be proved.
I saw a shapeless form come through the door O M G I’ve seen this form before If it’s black if foretells of a death If it’s white it is your frozen breath I felt such shame I blushed inside and out Please accept my feelings of grave doubt I read a book of Sayings of the Wise I may be old yet I can still surprise
The psalms are mostly works of love and hate Civil disobedience makes me late When we buried father we all cried So much so, we felt someone had died
Life is brief so buy a multi-pack Knickers are so useful in the Dock I’m a burglar,I steal people’s clothes Bur knickers second hand are far too gross What Art are you accused of, asked the Judge I dropped the brush and so my work was smudged The troubled waters used up all my oil A pity I forgot to make them boil I was angry so I killed a ghost Is that murder or a dream composed? The Jury are divided by a lack Love might come if it can find a crack
Cats make homes wherever they find ease I wish I were a cat and you were too Cats pay no rent are never mortgagees Cats make homes wherever they find ease Self sufficient, they don’t live to please And if they are disturbed they simply flee No sulking and no moods, they’re never blue Cats make homes wherever they find ease I wish I were a cat and lived with you
Doctor, where is my appendix? I think it’s on the table. I thought it was inside my body Yes, so is the table. Did you put it in? No, it was an error I hate those Errors coming here and getting free housing and cash They are native. That’s even worse.I hate natives So where do you come from? The Isle of Man Well, go back and take your prejudice with you Where can I find it? Look within
Doctor I have a bunion Don’t tell anyone else or they will want one I have two Sell one
Doctor are you Turkish? No, but Boris Johnson is So why is he here? That’s what we all wonder
Doctor, did you vote Leave? I am not a psychiatrist. I can’t even spell it. Well,can you spell Depart? it sounds French Escape? I am no criminal Flee? What, I’m not an asylum seeker We used to have a real Asylum in London But that was only for lunatics Well,anyone who wants to be here now seems like a lunatic Like Boris’s great grand dad? Where did they get their money? From a Laundry. I only use one to wash my clothes You must be more inventive I am 101, you know. I don’t know Well, you do now.
Good morning,Ms Brown Gosh,you are so utterly politically correct ,doctor In my view,it matters only for us to be medically correct,dear.And grammatically,of course. How true, noble sire. Now, what’s the problem today,madame? It’s my nerves,doctor.I hate them so much I feel almost derisory..which is totally crackers nowadays with so many street drugs to take one’s mind out of this world. What’s wrong with your nerves to make you feel like this all of a sudden? I think they are too big,mein herr.Can I have plastic surgery on them to replace then with plastic ones .I mean artificial like dentures are for teeth that drop out? My dentist tells me my nerves are double the average size. for humans But what is the standard deviation? Averages are no use alone.I wish people learned this in school How dare you say that! I have never deviated in any way.And I’ve never been average… and surely double the average size must mean something gross is going on? What a pity this is.You are a very charming and glamorous lady…I say that only to comfort you,not to seduce you which is illegal anyway,even if I wanted to do.Which I deny absolutely; Well,my nerves feel like long wild grasses waving in a cold westerly breeze in a great big meadow in Hartland,North Devon where many lips have cracked.And sailors drowned off shore too…why some even drowned on the shore and their ghosts still wander below the sheer and terrifying cliffs of alabaster and silver. Have you ever though of writing narrative or lyrical poetry or even romantic novels? What,write poetry with nerves like this?Do you think I’m a masochist or what? Well, you could try using a pen or a keyboard,you know. Now,God has given some of us larger nerves than others.It’s an evolutionary advantage to have some sensitive people about,like the canaries in the coal mines.They feel trouble coming before the rest of humankind That’s hardly any use to me as I am childless and can’t pass it on. God didn’t know that when he created you.Or if he did,he knew with nerves like this motherhood would be perilous and at least you can be a human canary Well,is there any surgery to help me or any other amelioration to my symptoms? Apart from removing your head there’s not much I can suggest at this moment in time,right now, if you want a verdict.Perhaps you can plant some wild flowers amid these long waving grasses and enjoy the beauty that you will perceive in summertime if you can be patient You’re an odd doctor compared to the usual one. Actually I’m really the computer repair man.The system has crashed and so has the doctor…temporarily I knew you looked different but I put it down to my giant nerves disturbing my vision… So will you come back to see the doctor later?He is just in the pub drinking blackcurrant liqueur for his nerves! What’s it got to do with you if I come back again or not? I love your mind,I love your body .I love your tentacles,receptacles and all your past and future particles.I love every bit of you especially your nerves.I always liked a woman with very big nerves. Really? Well,that’s cheered me up a great deal.I like the beast in man.How about my wild grasses? I love those too.Why,I’d like to lie down amongst them if you catch my drift. Can you read between the lines or write between them? Have you ever thought of taking up psychotherapy? I prefer to help computers.Hearing sad stories from disturbed folk all day must be draining as you can’t run out when you get overwhelmed like you can at parties Yes,but it would be horribly fascinating to hear all these stories.And now I am off to the garden centre to buy some flower seeds. I’d give you some seeds myself but it would be wrong to sow your field here in this office and the doctor might come in any time now which would be a trifle unseemly. Well,he could sow his wild oats as well! What a wicked woman you are;I love your mind.You seem quite out of the orddinary… please keep your big nerves. I am only offering this with the aim of calming those huge nerves .I am not thinking of enjoying lust or of how romantic you seem and how artistically brilliantlu you are dressed and your golden curls and blue clothes.And your cleverness. I quite understand.I shall keep it all under my hat. if you see what I mean It’s an amazing red hat.Are you a Cardinal? No,I stole it off one I’d love to hear the whole story….who,when and where? Well,I hope to publish it on Swindle soon. We can’t wait.
Would you enjoy the sight of lions strong In a new arena eating men ? Would God say killing Leaders is quite wrong?
Well, maybe a wild beast could bite a blond Take him in his jaws back to his den Would you enjoy such sights of wild beasts strong?
Hitler had some theologians hanged He killed six million Jews, before the end Would God say killing Leaders would be wrong?
Stalin killed far more ,his reign was long Do you still think Utopia can be planned? Would you enjoy such sights of wild beasts strong?
In the USA are caged the young The infant Mexicans,oh Trump is grand Would God say killing Leaders would be wrong?
Jesus’ words are read and out are flung In England once a green and pleasant land Would you stand by the Cross where Jesus hung?
To me and all our kind extend your hand Do not stick your own heart in the sand The bells of heaven gone, the church doors clanged Would you say to kill a Leader’s wrong
“Defence secretary denies British army is scrapping tanks”
What a shock!But we can’t use horses in a nuclear war so cavalry is out.What can we use?
When I was at school we were told to take sanitary towels into the bunker.As Catholics we were forbidden to use tampons.They also told us to lie down in the hedgerows when we saw a bomb coming.We lived in an industrial mill town. Dandelions were a rare sight and buttercups did not flourish.A blade of grass sometimes grew in a crack in the pavement
After ayear or two the government realised that these talks were causing panic so we heard no more but now it would be ok to take in a tampon or even a vibrator.I have yet to see one but I can’t help wondering if they are good for backache.So we’ll enjoy out last moments of life trying to find a partner or even a philanderer.
After all an atom bomb is a climax, though of destruction not creation
You may not be able to play the piano but you can play on a piano or if it is grand,in a piano. or even with a piano if it is no too large or next to a piano even underneath a piano On top of a piano too! How many other objects are so versatile? But two pianos can’t play with each other though they could be played together by 2 pianists Rather expensive to arrange though As for three pianos,don’t you agree I have said enough?
Beware of getting into hot water in your bikini A few weeks after Annie moved into the lovely house next door to Stan,he met her when he was seeing his wife off to work. Why does Mary not have a car? Annie enquired suspiciously. She is trying to keep slim,Stan told her. Well,she’s not been very successful,Annie said scientifically. She might be much fatter than she is now if she drove a car,he stated ponderously That’s true,muttered Annie loudly.I am your new next door neighbor. Yes,said Stan,I have seen you sunbathing in the garden in your bikinis. How come? she asked merrily yet sternly There’s a big hole in the fence.He said Is it legal to look at women through a hole in the fence?asked Annie.I know it’s illegal to look into their bedroom windows. Is it really,asked Stan nervously,I had no idea.How about women looking at men through a round hole in a fence or square one? Oh,they are not very keen to do that,she lied charmingly. Well,said Stan,clearing his throat,I think I owe it to myself to tell you that I love you. Wow,you’re quick off the mark,the lady said saucily.What do you mean,you owe it to yourself? she continued in a puzzled tone. Nothing,said Stan,I could not think how to word it.I mean I wish to unselfishly love you and admire your ripe body and your cute sense of color.I love your teal trouser suit.And you sing so well in the bath.I can hear you. You didn’t mean you owe it to yourself to take advantage of me? Not unless you want me to take advantage of you,the gallant old man informed her kindly And you can take advantage of me, he said I make cakes and biscuits,wholemeal bread and I am training my cat Emile to do statistics on an i pad. How extraordinary,Annie whispered.I didn’t know cats had an “I.” let alone pads. Well,they have pads on their paws,he informed her intelligently. True,she said,but where are their I’s? Where are our I’s ? he responded in a manner to rejoice the heart of Mary Midgley or Susanne Langer two of Stan’s favourite writers on philosophy,logic,symbols and ethics. Not that he practised the Ethics but he liked to know what he was doing wrong.It’s more fun that way.If you sin,sin big! A man who seduces women merrily one after the other may have no idea it might be wrong.Neither might the women.Why is it wrong? Surely it’s better than killing people,making war or leaving the lid off the jam all night so the wasps get into the jar? Still,not many men get the chances that Stan got.No-one suspected this kindly,handsome practising Catholic was a womaniser despite his blue beard,green eyes,white skin and red hair.And his slim yet strong figure clad in navy trousers and white shirts all the year round.Maybe his wife did but she preferred to read Aristotle in bed and dream about mercury… those little silver balls,so cute! Well,as we know,Stan is about to make Annie his mistress but in such a cold wet summer,where can he take her to do the deed?The shed?The public library? Cafe Nero? I owe it to you not to tell you yet.That will give you time to think of a solution for this sweet old man and his naughty but nice neighbor. Like,how about the confessional in the local Church? Whatever next?
I owe it to myself to keep it secret as you may come along and spoil the fun. Stan went indoors and washed up in the boiling hot water he kept by him constantly as he owed it to himself to be ready to make a hot drink at any moment he fancied and by gum,he did fancy like no man
I loved him so much, but he said I was the Gorgon personified.Would you say that to a woman? Why did he not notice it at first rather than asking me to send him a photo of myself wearing red underwear or even not wearing it Men don’t understand that red runs in the washing machine and I don’t want red shirts looling like tie dye whenI give a lecture on “The mean average and what it means to mankind ” and then get called politically incorrect when I am teaching something useful. I like grey underwear as it stops me worrying about my whites not being white enough.Do they think I am not a vestal virgin? I also have grey sheets on my bed as the cats like grey, in fact they are grey On the other strand I do like a bright winter coat to make others cheerful Yes, my thesis was published but I am no Martin Luther.Noone understood mine which was good as one Reformation was more than enough
What do you mean, the food is burned? I was caramelising the onions.You do it or cook me a meal in bed,sorry, instead Freud, it’s lucky he is dead.what would he call me? The hound woman The horse frightener? I gave my best and will give it a rest
