Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant
She is numb from her toes down.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.
0I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex, which gradually deterioratein the emergency room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room but there were no animals present in the waiting room
Mary woke up at 7:00 to her surprise Her cat Emile was lying by her side with his head on the pillow
Gentle stroking his soft relaxed body
She said to him you are not a human being you know Emile. If your head is at the pillow your body is not underneath the duvet.
Oh that’s alright mother he replied; with my Fur on I don’t need to be underneath the duvet. To be honest I’m frightened about slipping down the bed and suffocating
That’s not like you Mary murmured. You are still quite young so you will be able to push yourself up with your legs.
I know such fears are totally irrational. But the fear seems to be real Perhaps I’m afraid of losing myself in you you he said thoughtfully
Oh that’s stuff about psychology it’s not the pathway I wish to follow today.
Why don’t we have some good hot tea. They went downstairs to the kitchen and Mary put the kettle on and put the teapot ready to use when suddenly there was a knock on the front door.
I’m not even dressed yet Mary cried. Although my night dress does look like a frock
Yes it does said Emile. In fact it was better than most of your frocks. Open the door quick quick.
When she opened the door she saw a well dressed artistic looking man.
Hello he said I’m your date for today.
My date for today what are you talking about?
Well I joined this dating agency for older people and they gave me your name and address saying you were looking for another husband.
Well that strange I said Mary because I’ve never joined any agency. I wonder if if you’re looking for Annie my next door neighbour??
No I’ve definitely got the name Mary on my phone they sent me the email last night.
Well why don’t you come into the kitchen and I will make you some tea because you look tired and hot
We all went into the kitchen and found the kettle was boiling. Then Mary said to the man what you would like to drink?
I would like to NESCAFÉ blend 37 he said nervously.
That’s good because I have just bought some she told him although I don’t drink coffee myself but the cat likes it. My cat is called Emile :come and say hello.
Hello sir you devil. What is your name may I know?
Well I’m not certain he cried. Just call me Simon.
How old are you Simon. You are grown up you should know your own name by now.
Well do you see, I used to belong to a religious order and when I was older I was given the name Simon but it’s not the name that’s my parents gave me when I was born. That name is John but not many people know that now.
Did you join a dating site because you don’t know how to get a new woman in your life?
Yes you have guessed correctly I have no idea how I can meet interesting women.
Do you mean you know how to beat boring women?
Be precise I have no idea how to meet any women at all having spent 20 years in the monastery. Of course I used to have some nuns in the parish who we used to meet but it’s not quite the same is it?
Well said Mary how fascinating. Do you think God guided you to my door because I am a widow! I have been wondering whether to look for another man but since I am very clever some men are afraid of me.
They went into the living room and sat down on the sofa while they drank the coffee!
Simon very coolly looked at Mary’s pictures on the wall. I do like your Picasso prints he said
Would you like to come with me for a walk in the woods he continued.
That sounds delightful said Mary.
But I haven’t got dressed yet and do you remember that I have never seen you before so I would like you to bring two references from someone and notable in the area and I will then decide whether I want to go anywhere with you or not.
That’s not very friendly said Simon in a sulky manner
Well you have a strange story. I did not join a dating agency so I don’t know where you got my address from and if I was your sister you will not want me to go out with a man I’ve never met before I would you?
Well I suppose you are right. I am going to church anyway this morning so I will speak to the parish priest and ask him he will give me a reference
Yes I believe I have met that priest at a bring and by sale in the church hall. Yes you speak to him and then if he is willing to give you a reference we can have a date
Would you not prefer prunes the little cat cried.
No thank you said Simon. Thank you for offering that was very generous of you!
You are welcome cried Emile have you run up the stairs I’m going back to bed he shouted to Mary?
But Mary did not hear him because she was wrapped in thoughts in the kitchen wondering how this man has got her name and address. I think it must be Annie she though to herself because she is very clever at picking up men. And she thinks that it would be good for me to get married again or even just go to bed with somebody. Emile is not really enough company for me although he is very charming. If I get another husband then Emile may find a wife and start a family it will be lovely to have some kittens in the house again.
I ate an apple with some quiche lorraine Tomorrow I shall eat the same again Boredom or monotony is bad I’m sorry but I’m feeling very sad
I like chocolate,I like double cream I’ll soon get diabetes, intervene Get the doctor here and I will weep My feelings like the underground run deep
I threw away the beef and ate the cheese Don’t blame me,I never aim to please Of course I am a liar but just when? That’s the koan, soon we will be Zen
We need skin or we would fall apart I don’t want to see Dom Cummings’ heart I never liked his manners and his dress Thank you,Father,now I can confess
Boundaries are also contact zones Think like this and you will write a poem Love like mine is precious do not spill The precious blood, the Body on the Hill
Stroking other people is so nice I pretend that I have seen a thousand lice Then I hope that they will all stroke me If only it were summer they might see
My husband brushed my hair when it was long Now he’s dead I cut it off with prongs
I want him to come back but noone can
Like Catholic sex it’s sinful so it’s banned
He used to make the dinner every day Now he’s left me I shall have to pray Does God expect me to survive on grass As a meal after we go to Mass?
I gave him flasks of tea to drink in bed I read the Emile stories,Satan fled When he smiled and nodded then I wept Why did noone help me pass the test?
I washed his clothes as often as I could 8 pyjamas, hankies ,was it good? In the end he wore a dressing gown It has coloured spots on and it’s brown
