We once had a doctor called Powell,
Who spoke to patients mainly in vowels.
When he called I O U,
I asked for A and E too,
As I had so much pain in my bowels.
Then we had a doctor called Keith
Who liked eating chips and roast beef.
He got so obese
We feared for his very demise.
But he was spectacularly thin underneath.
We still have a doctor called Satan,
Who is very proficient at mating.
His children are numerous,
Don’t mention the incubus,
And a true hell on earth they’re creating,
b
Dear David Cameron
I am a very intelligent ,brilliant and creative woman. Yet I often wonder why your face has no expression on it;I must confess since the vote on Syria you have looked a bit bothered now and then,But blankness seems your favourite look.Watch out or an artist may paint a sign on you
Danger:Please stalk on the grass
Danger:Trespassers will be persecuted.
I am writing to complain.There are many magpies,wood pigeons and other such creatures all living for free in the garden here.And think of the ones in the woods.None of them are taxed,yet they get free board and lodging,And moreover we have hundreds of worms here which could surely be made to work.I know it’s hard to tell them apart but all those civil servants who read Modern Greats at Woxford must have a few ideas.
I think if worms don’t work we should mince them and make meat pies out of them… and wood pigeons… that makes me salivate.
Those who won’t work shall be turned into food.The Chinese eat dogs… you catch my drift.Hard solutions for hard times, to warm an old cliche.
I do feel that all living creatures should pay rent.Birds who live in a garden with more than one tree must be made to see how unfair this is.I am unsure what language they speak… maybe Hebrew as they were in Eden once.Oh,those lazy days,eating fruit and sunbathing.And sinning without guilt.did you know Adam and Eve were unmarried,by the way!
Well,it’s bad for us to be happy so I’m counting on you to pulverize nature in all manifestations.
Why,surely,worms are a total waste of time.Get rid of them.Send them back where they came from.Even as I write worms may be tunnelling under the British Channel from France.We can’t let them dwell in our soil.And in the Spring you must stop birds migrating here.Why some come from the Congo.Surely that’s not morally justifiable
Hoping my ideas will be balm to
your ears.And try to get more of an expression on your face.You are like an enpty canvas
Yours truly
Dumbina Dodd [ M.A.Oxen]
P.S.What about cats? They sleep 20 hours a day.It’s wicked!
I like reading on a cylinder…she prefers a kindle.It takes all ports!
I like to do the worst things first.
He let a wish out for a saunter round his mind then he submitted to temptation
I’m as with it as as a diamond ringing
Are you fit enough to be hung out to dry and maligned?
Her wits have been tried and found haunting.
She fits me like a love.
He fits like a brand from heaven above.
Is he as flash as a cat with a golden fleece?
I have only flashed a pan… it was a humane error.
My belly is as flat as a rugby players knee.
I wish I were reciting a Xmas cracker.
She’s very sweet footed..always an asset in this day of rage Continue reading “Her wits have been tried and found haunting.”
Don’t keep petting me.I get too eggwhited
Why is rain wet?
And top of the bill was the Sinner,Em Blem.
Do you like creative fighting?
Do you hate your food?
What is the joint of the affair?
I love.Amen to that twit.
Join Twatter and swear an oath daily.Free for all.
Eat peas with the stork,please.
Why did the boy stand on the burning check?
I like a man in a mask.
What face shall I put on today?
I wonder who you are.
Don’t tell the truth about your tarts.
How many lovers are a bluff?
Do you like to eat crumbs in bed?Bird needed
I can use Word
| Cage me a dream |
| For you alone…I’ll learn calculus |
| I had no idea;I had reached the nadir |
| Chagall bit the dogs |
| I fell over some frogs on the warpath/They were armed.Do frogs have hands? |
| He got the hots for the waiter’s cat.:Love at first scratch |
| Give peace a glance |
| Not many things can be understood |
| I can fall off anything including an adverb |
| She bought a can of sperm from the man at the doorDon’t vie for me, semolina.
A bottle of brandy is very handy I saw a lake in my dream and guess what happened? I was in a boat on the Cam. and noone was there. Judges are needed here |
| Where have all the sundreams gone? |
| Parse me the sentence again,please.Will you love me by tomorrow?If not you can come in. |
no
I like to write imaginary conversations with myself.Alas my unconscious mind is very vulgar,That’s why I write naughty poems and stories.Why not try a chat with yourself?I find it fascinating…Maybe you are very moral.Then again,you never know till you try.And it’s free entertainment
She said she never knew what syntax was until she met me.
Well,you do look worn out by your sins.
How do you know they were sins?
Well,you went to Confession twice a week all your life
That was my scruples.Sometimes I went twice a day…
It sounds like having an upset stomach.
In my case it was an upset soul.The soul emptied out and hung out on the Maginot line
Eventually I realized virtue is not attainable by Will Power alone
How is it attained… won’t power?
I knew you’d say that!
That!
Anyway to get back to syntax,it’s about structure.
Like council tax?
Words fail me
That’s good.I meant tax on a building
You seem very rude today
It’s not just today,I’m like this all the time.
I never noticed before
You only met me tonight
That’s almost true..now syntax is a very important topic.
Are we on a date or are you giving grammar lessons free?
No,I have Wasperger’s Syndrome.It’s as if I have Asperger’s but I sting too.
When do you sting
When people say sharp things to me.
Go on,you’re just needling me..
Truly I think you’ll love syntax and spelling rude words.
Well,we’ve had santax for years.Women pay VAT of 20 per cent on Tampax
It’s enough to make me throw up
No,throw out!Throw out the Coalition Government
Do you think Labour will remove Santax?
I don’t know but at least you’ll learn how to do percentages with them
I will?
Thank you so much.I am delighted to hear that.We are engaged.Here is a ring.
That’s beautiful.Was it your mother’s?
It still is my mother’s.
How can I wear it when she might see it?
I’ll tell her I liked hers so much I got one the same.She’s got poor vision so don’t worry.After the Wedding I’ll give it back
How mean.
I never knew you liked statistics.What about deviance?
Well,some I like,some I don’t… you catch my drift?
Well,babe,I’ll explain everything when we lie together.
That makes us sound like the government.
How come?
They all lie together.
Do they really.That explains a lot.Do they come together often?
I guess they have a rota.
You can’t come by will power.
That’s good.I want to come in a a horse and carriage.
It might frighten the horses.
I mean to our Wedding ceremony
Do you want four horses?
I am not that heavy!
No,I want you to have it all.
Suppose it’s not enough.
We’ll have to play it by ear..
Is that the organ?
Well,it’s a kind of organ.
A harmonium?
Maybe..I’ll ask the priest.
Does he play?
No,he just hears confessions and says Mass.
It’s a pity confession secret.He could write a long novel.
I daresay some have…. with pseudonyms.
I use a wordprocessor… should I get a pseudonym too?
You are crazy but I love you with all my heart.
And is it big?
Big enough for two.
Thank you,God.
I
© 2013 kathryn
I once had a lover called Denis
Who hated both cricket and tennis
So when in our bed
We played patience instead!
So he never found out what my yen is.
My yen is to kiss for an hour
I also love gazing at flowers.
But if I am pressed
Then his arms are the best.
I hope our embrace lasts for hours.
Do you think I am very common
to write limericks and verse with men in ’em?
Well,God made me so clever
I’ve the highest IQ ever.
That includes both men and women.
So before you ask me for my favours
You need to succeed in your labors.
It’s not the money ,my dear.
I’ve enough,never fear.
But God blesses those who are Saviors
I have written many stories about Stan.Time goes backwards and forwards.Ages fluctuate.But the main characters always come in somewhere.”Double entendre” and exaggeration are some of the humor tools which I use.I chose the name “Stan” for the main character as a tribute to our English novelist,Stanley Middleton
Sometimes I give a little instruction about e.g. when to call out the Emergency Services and when not to such as when the cat scratches you or you break a chair leg.You’d be astounded to know what trivial reasons cause people to phone Emergency….. then again,perhaps you are one of the culprits!
I take my photos mainly with a mobile phone,sometimes with a Fuji camera.I use Artweaver Free3.1 software,Paint.net and Microsoft Paint.Also Google Pixir.These are all free software available on the Internet.Why not try?I find it fascinating.A crack in the pavement or a gnat bite on your leg can make a great image!
While Mary boiled the kettle in the new greenish blue painted kitchen,Stan smacked his thick red lips.
“I thought we said, we’d have no more corporal punishment,” she murmured loudly.
“Why did you smack your lips just now?”
“Well,I can hardly smack yours” he said politely
“But we said no more smacking at all yesterday”
“I just like the noise” he confessed, turning as red as a stalk of ripe rhubarb.
“Sado-masochism may be fun, but after reading,Fifty Glades of Fray,I thought we said we’d abandon it”
“Well,why don’t we abandon ourselves to our bodies or divine providence?” he answered curiously.
“I am unsure if one can do that on purpose or if it just happens whilst doing something else.”
“Elser than what?”
“I dunno” the Oxgrudge educated woman replied sheepishly .
“The Government didn’t give you a three year research grant so you’d say,I dunno” Stan told his slender and silver haired wife and lover.
“Well,that’s their problem.Three years studying Searat’s equation did nothing for my spoken English” the brilliantly brained brown haired and eyed lady told him shrewdly.
“Well,are there rats in the sea?
“I dunno”
“So who wrote the equation?” Stan asked her.Immediately in a peevish tone
The door bell rang.
“Hello,Mary,It’s me” cried Annie their naughty neighbor and man magnet
“No,it’s not”
“What do you mean?”
“You never invented Searat’s equation”
“Pardon me for living,”Annie answered rudely.”I prefer peeling potatoes to this noist argument.”
“I never knew potatoes pealed”
“Yes,it’s like little bells ringing” Mary informed her kindly
!Oh,for God’s sake,”Stan shouted quietly,”that’s Emile’s bell ringing so the birds can escape from him”
The women went red all over with shame.Annie ran into the kitchen and poured a bucket of cold water over her head.
It’s this hot weather;it’s too much.I need a man now!I am mad with desire.
No,it’s just that mid life madness coming too late,she told herself gently
It’s too hot to make love anyway.
Why you must be getting old,she remarked to herself confidently
Heat never turned you off before.Why you once said you’s lie down in the road and sleep with the next man who passed by.
Unfortunately he passed by on the other side,just like in the Bible.
But in my case no Samaritan came to my aid.
“Am I having a mental breakdown/” she shouted pensively
“No,it’s me” Stan told her,I am trying to stop Mary smacking her lips but it is hard work. and it has create a bad atmosphere.”
“Is it wrong to smack your own lips?Can you morally smack someone else’s?” Annie said wonderingly
“Why do you ask me that?”
“Well,it seems lots of things are wrong if one does them alone but are moral if you do it with someone else or to someone one else”
“I just have no idea what you are talking about,”Mary called valiantly.
“Make me some tea.My lips are parched!”she continued
“No wonder,”said Stan vivaciously
Well,thought Emile,I am glad cats have no lips.That’s one thing less to worry about.He sat up and drank some tea from his china saucer
Stan and the ladies sat quietly on the patio watching the birds flying about.
“Do birds ever get obese?”Mary asked.But answer came there none.
Night fell and they all went to bed together,Emile says there is safety in numbers and I find thirty is a safe number to share my bed.I write30t on a postcard and pop it under my pillow.With my dentures and my hanky and four mobile phones
Sou
Stan had just got back to his lovely bright home from a ride on his old mountain bike.Emile had travailed in his special cat seat/basket just in front of Stan as he liked to see the road less traveled should it appear..and he liked purr to encourage Stan to ride further.
When Stan got home to his luxuriously detached yet bijou dwelling he went to the wonderfully disappointing cloakroom to wash his paws before putting the kettle on for some tea.
Ah,how peaceful it is here,he thought…,how nice Mary is still at work.
Suddenly and alarmingly, the door bell rang.There,on the flower bedecked porch,stood a large, beautiful curly haired woman holding Emile in her pretty freckled arms
I believe this is your cat,she said boldly.So he tells me.Why, he even knows the address.
Well,if he’s anyone’s he’s mine,Stan admitted uneasily.
What has he done now?
Did you not notice he jumped out of his basket?she asked enquiringly.
Well,no,Stan answered furtively..
I was getting a bit tired and keen to get home…I forgot my water,
Well,I hope you won’t let him do it again,he could end up absconding,
By the way,I’m called Yvette.
Are you Yvette Cooper,the MP,he enquired wildly.
No, she said,I’m Yvette Hooper,the swan lover.
Do come in for a cup of tea,he said caringly.
I don’t mind if I do,she said,then I can be sure your cat is alright.
Tell me,Stan said,Do you live with a swan?
No,she said,though I do have an old Swan saucepan.
A saucepan is not much company,Stan responded.
Well,at least it never shouts at me!Yvette said quickly.
Have you suffered verbal abuse? Stan said in a kind and supportive voice.
I have yes.We had a mutual agreement that I could be handcuffed and verbally amused for 3 hours a week.you see we’d read this book,”Fifty shades of grey.”It’s all about human bondage
But my boyfriend thought it was verbal abuse I wanted..As I was upside down I couldn’t tell him of his error.After that things were never the same.
Why did you have the handcuffs?asked Stan calmly.
We were given them for Xmas,she whispered.
Also a whip and some rubber gloves.
Why the rubber gloves?
For washing up of course!
But after being whipped would you feel like washing up?
I don’t know.We split up before we even tried the whip… to be honest,I didn’t want to use it.
Alright, my dear.I understand it all.
Here you are.. drink a nice cup of tea and try these biscuits I made myself they are almond biscuits from my Penguin Jewish cookery book.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm,delicious,she cried.Are you Jewish,Stan?
No,but why should they have all the best recipes?
A good point… maybe because they had almost the first alphabet so began to write them down before anyone else could.
Not to mention they invented monogamy,a great religion,Freud,Wittgenstein,Einstein,rhinestone
.Give them an accolade. I mean,Jesus Christ!
What more do they have to do to be rewarded?
Ascend into heaven?
Make more cheesecakes?
I wonder,said Stan pondering slowly
The back door opened and in ran Anne,Stan’s mistress.
She was dressed in soft teal with toning turquoise trainers and she wore a light beige foundation with bright coral lipstick making a subtle contrast… all by Lamcom of China.
Oh,Anne,have some tea.This is Yvette,she very kindly rescued Emile after he jumped off my bike.
Don’t tell me he can ride a bike,Anne screamed,showing off a good set of teeth and a long red tongue.
No,I was riding it.Stan told her sensibly.
Hello Yvette,Anne said,where do you live?
I live on the top road by the wood.Yvette answered politely, her auburn hair standing up in a mass off curls as she spoke,showing off to good effect her light orange lipstick and burnt sienna eye shadow…in fact it was color from her art materials..
Have you been there long?Anne enquired politely and warmly.
No,only a few weeks..we don’t know anyone..
So you are married?
Yes,my husband is in the Police Service… he cleans policemen for special occasions.
I didn’t know anyone did that.Can’t they clean themselves?
A self cleaning policeman…or how about putting coat of Teflon on them so they can be wiped with a wet cloth?
It’s up to him,said Yvette.I am a lecturer at Pond’s End Polytechnic.I teach philosophy..
In a poly?
Yes,I have a D.Phil from Oxgridge in the philosophy of science with particular reference to Dirac’s remarks on Wittgensteim.
Do they study such remarks in a poly?
All the students do Philosophy of Science…it’s compulsory.
Stan said,I wish they all did Peace Studies too…
I know,said Yvette kindly..If only we could bring peace but we are descended from the most aggressive primates… why many of them were sado-masochists.Well some were sadists and the rest were masochists I gather.The ones who weren’t died out as they never mated..
Well,I’m not a sadist,said Stan,or at least only to myself!
Do you beat yourself up,the ladies asked.
Just in my mind,he answered judiciously.So do I thought Yvette.
Let’s have some more tea,called Anne from the hall,I’ll make it.
Anne is my mistress,Stan boasted humbly……
There was little point trying to seduce Yvette now Anne had met her and vice versa.
Yvette was intrigued.That is rare ,for such an old man to have a mistress.
Is a wife not sufficient for you?
A wife is necessary but not sufficient,Stan teased her.
Well,my husband has no mistress, she said unknowingly,
but I have several boyfriends.
How do you get the time?
I have a rota,she chuckled happily.
You seem an intriguing lady.May I have your email address,mobile number and your landline?
Your height and weight too..clothes size and shoes too.
Yes,it’s
yvette999@hotmail.com
or diracisme@qmail.com
My phone number is Oh,oh,6666666666666.7777777777777777………………..
That’s irrational,he informed her knowingly.
Have you got an i Pad,she then asked boldly.
No,I’ve not even got a Kindle..do you recommend them.Maybe you could come to ComputersRus with me on Saturday.
No, she said,I’m Jewish.
Are Jews not permitted to visit Computer shops..Some religious edict,is it? he said inquisitively.
It’s the Sabbath,you dimwit,she responded.We don’t shop on the Sabbathbut don’t worry I’ll come on Monday with you..you are a charming man.I need as many as I can get.
Why are you deficient in some way?Stan whispered.
No,I’m very proficient and mildly conceited,she admitted modestly.
And I like a good kisser.Are you a good kisser?
Well,maybe you could give me a test,he said manfully,
and if need be you can give me some lessons followed by a total Examination to see if I satisfy you.
Just then Anne came in with fresh tea..
Emile mewed loudly.
What is it.Emile ? Stan asked.
I am jealous because we cats can’t kiss.
Well kissing is neither necessary nor sufficient in the art of love.Rolling about together in some soil is also very nice..
I hope you don’t expect your wife to roll about in soil,said Yvette
questioningly..
Well,i can ask her,Stan said,but her main interest is topology and knitting.She is often very cold in bed…
Can’t you warm her into life;Or buy an electric blanket?
No,she’s hopeless because of a type of Asperger’s syndrome but I love her anyway.
Have you tried a new technique like whipping each other or tying yourself to the bedposts.You can buy handcuffs now in Boots,I hear.
Why some doctors prescribe them on the NHS nowadays
I thought Love was enough, Stan answered
It seems in the UK people are into whips and handcuffs…
Well,count me out,said Stan,I’m more into a careful yet tender study of the skin from the toes right up to to head,followed by gazing into her eyes for ten minutes.
Why ten minutes?asked Yvette.
I can’t wait any longer…
Well,you’ll have to practise..she said coyly.
I can practise with him,said Anne virtuously.
Yes,the more the better…he’s getting older so he can’t wait.
He needs satisfaction as son as possible.
The door bell rang,It was handsome Dave the paramedic.
Hi,he said,I was worried as you’ve not called 999 today.I brought a leash and some whips.
I’m Yvette,the woman said.
I’m bisexual,he told her.
That’s a strange name.
Never mind that,give me your email address and phone number
It’s ywoman@love4all.com,she said
or 09964321.3333333333333333333…..
If you’d like a non rational phone number email me at
hotcats@hell.com
Read more freely in the Daily Slur tomorrow….on sale everywhere and making life hell as fast as they can
Always keep some nuts in your pocket when you go out.I do,for sure.I love to feel them if I am worried
He had a broken start in life and his motor never got him going properly.
And his doors were locked shut so he was lonely.He forgot he had his own key,you see.We must all remember that.
She has a following soul but no humans follow her blog.What do you advise?
To eat cake?We’re not in France!l
I froze in any other game but cricket.I kept the boundary in a marked manner
Her nose on any other face would need a pleat.
All those toes and never had his own feet.~what a shame
Icecream goes down the little red lane,even when it’s too sweet .
Hold my nose,whilst I tweet.Who are you? I’m just a sheep
Hell,no!I know why any other fame is indiscreet.
I have only a solitary ghoul living with me but he is very sweet if lonely for his own kind.
So is there a love site for ghouls on the Web.Ghouls in love?
I said,Ghouls, not,fools
All the world is a love site for fools
Ghouls full of longing please apply to be rehomed with birds and bees
There was a hole full of tomorrows in Eden but they missed it with the big Apple
I saw all the horrors and skipped them till I was old enough which is now
I am a sole tactician with discretion and ammunition but no weapons except care full poems
He has a beer in the Mart and a lemon tart for his heart…… he wants to die suddenly in the pub garden with a playgirl from Page 3
Abandon Whips.Vote by Conscience… what,a Revolution? I don’t relieve you
All the bands on the ship went flat together.What a bit of luck!
All hands to the Quip…keep it smiling.
About your face… it’s almost a poem in itself.Don’t say a word!Say a sentence,
Above a board a bread knife hung.He wondered what to eat after that? I suppose the handle is wooden,he mused to himself.
Absence makes the heart grow longer but not much!
A face in the hole looked squashed but he recognized his partner,Jane.What a pain she was and no mistake.
He keeps his face up his sleeve.. it’s his pet neurosis.He gives it all his care and love..But is that wise, to love a neurosis?
Achilles heel was very sore.To be blunt,it killed him.Or permitted it.We all have our weak spots.Sometimes our whole being seems like a weak spot.In that case you need armour.. or amour as the French might suggest
An acid test is given to people who gossip.If they test positive,they are sent away to live in a green forest clearing brambles and nettles, with their bare hands.
Give me sunshine,give me rhyme
I love you till the end of time
If a cat were 12inches long,4 inches wides and 4 inches deep,assuming its body were a rectangular block,and furthermore assuming its head and legs were hairfree
a] calculate the surface area of its body excluding the hairless parts
b] if the cat’s fur has hairs in a density of 1,000 per square inch
how long would it take me to dust it [ignore the head and neck for simplicity]
c]and given my current age assess the probability of me completely dusting the cat if I work 8 hours daily 5 days a week
Calculators may be used if appropriate
d[And if the minimum wage were £6 per hour how much would it cost me to employ a man to dust the cat weekly.
e]Do you believe the State Pension ought increased so as to enable a person to have their cat dusted on a regular basis.
You may use diagrams in your answer or to get to the answer
f]Could there be more than one answer and if so why?
g]Finally, give a brief account of the Ethics of dusting domestic cats which cannot sign consent forms.How would Aristotle deal with such issues, with a duster or another sort of cloth?
h]Finally can you clean a vacuum? And is the above cat a Platonic Form? Am I?
Please don’t pull the curtains
For I am coming by.
I want to see your underwear
Is it thermal? …Don’t be shy.
Please don’t turn your light out
For I wish to peek in.
I like to see men in their beds
Is it a big sin?
Why not sleep stark naked
For then I’ll see your chest.
Have you still got hairs on
OK. Leave on that vest.
Do not put your glasses on
To see whom I might be
I shall wear a pointed hat
Topped with a cherie
I like to see you sleeping with
a smile upon your face
I do hope you are dreaming
of a sweet embrace.
I’ll gaze in and smile at you
And then tip toe away
For if I see you smiling
I’ll be joyous all the day.
I love to see you happy
I ‘ll be with you when you’re sad.
Sharing deeper feelings
Stops us from going mad.
So please don’t pull the curtains.
I am real, I’m not a ghost
I met many people
And I love you the most.
In the middle of the night I had a brainwave.If I could cut the sheets of A4 paper I use in half depthwise I could save money.When I woke up I was wondering what tool would do that.
They must have something in paper mills as artist’s paper is thicker than the paper we use for writing on.Tracing paper is thinner but you could only write on one side.
So in the end I decided to use lessink by using a pen with a fine nib or a fine refill in my ball point pen because it seems logical to think that would be an economy.I admit many of my ideas are utter nonsense.Like if you had pyjamas with feet on like babies have you would be able to change the sheets less often as the feet sweat a lot but it you went to the bathroom and stood on a wet patch in the night that would not be nice!So I shall resume sleeping in a clean old potato sack instead.Though it’s hard to get out of it in the night.But it’s warm especially with a few baked potatoes in there too.
But can I eat them after sharing their bed?Sometimes empathy can be over the top.Potatoes don’t have hearts or minds as far as we can tell.If we got too filled with empathy we would die of starvation.That’s the way of nature …….to eat or be eaten.
!
He’s writing the definititive book on sin.
Do people want to hear anymore about sin?
Any more? I’ve heard very little recently.The Word has vanished!
You read the wrong newspaper.
Can a newspaper be wrong in itself,intrinsically wrong?
Can a newspsper be a Sin?
Well,there’s one called the Sun!
Why don’t they just call it The Big Sin and have done with it?
You should write to Rupert.
Who’s Rupert?
You know him,Murdoch!
Now Iris Murdoch,she was a right one.
Well,she certainly wrote a few!
A few too many,in my view.
Too many for whom?
My,you talk posh don’t you?
Should it be,you talk poshly?
Me!I’m as common as ,as ,as as,aas,……….muck!
Do stop,you’ll fall down a crack in the pavement soon and then where will you be?
I’ll be in Australia with Rupert!
Suppose you came out in New Zealand?
Well,it would be a change.I’m tired of England.
You never mentioned it before.
I didn’t want to upset you.
Well,I’m not so keen myself.
You sound like a knife!
Do you mean,a wife?
No, a knife…with a blade.
Yes, it does look well made.
Shall we buy one?
But do we really need it?
Do we really need anything?
Get a move on,you’re not at college now you know.
Who’re you?
My name is Wisdom.
I’m so sorry.
Why are you sorry?
It’s hard to be called Wisdom when you are a complete idiot.
Well,better a complete idiot than a sharp tongued wasp!
Do you mind!
Not at all.Better an idiot than a mutton dressed as lamb.
Are you a vegetarian?
I do eat the odd vegetables.
And who eats the even ones?
They all go to the supermarket.
So that’s how it works.You are so clever.
Well,I’m an economist.
I believe in economy for all.
I prefer comics myself.
No,they are called graphic novels now.
A bit like those Rupert books we had as children.
I wish Rupert Murdoch was called something else.
I’m sure he will be in tomorrow’s papers.
I mean,it defiles the memory of Rupert the teddy bear.
I learned to read from those.
A pity.
Why?
If you couldn’t read,think of all the other things you could do.
Like writing?
If you coudn’t read ,it would seem to follow that you couldn’t write.
Yet there are people who can read but not write?
Yes,it’s all to do with Venn diagrams and symmetry.
Venn is a weird name.
Yes,pity he wasn’t called Diagram.
I thought he was called,Venn Diagram.
All I know is that diaphragms were a form of birth control.
I was puzzled by that because we all have diaphragms, yet some of us have no control of any kind.
If your diaphragm doesn’t move you can’t breathe so you can’t procreate.
No,you’d be dead!
A very strange form of birth control.
Maybe you just faint and you husband can have his way with you.
But would you want sex with someone unconscious?
It’s another case of a-symmetry.. a man can have relations with a faint woman but if the man faints that’s the end of it.
How about carrots?
What for?
Can they faint?
No,but they make a nice flan.
Fancy that!
I do fancy it actually.
What is it?
It’s a big carrot!
How superb.It seems a shame to eat it.
Well, would like to worship it?
Not today.
Well,it won’t last forever.
In that case I’ll stick with God:
I’ll stick with Thee
Fast falls the chill of night
Semd me an angel,I need something bright.
I have no fear,with Thee I’ll be alright.
Why not give in and have electric lights.
You are very odd.
Well,it makes a change…
Not with you,you’ve always been odd.
So,in a way I’m not odd.
You are right!
Odd. is’t it?
And yet even simultaneously.
It seems almost like quantum theory.
Those were the days.
From Schoenberg to Schrodinger: cats for all.
Enberg to Dinger.
You could call the cat Dinger.
What a good idea.
How my heart sings 