The phone rang and a voice said,
is that you?
I said, it’s me.
He said, who are you?
I said,I’ve not figured that out yet.
He said, are you pulling my leg?
I said, I can’t even see your leg!
He said, do you fancy eating owt tonight?
I said, eeh, you’re from Manchester!
But it was just a spelling mistake.
He was trying it on.
Whatever it is
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronology_of_Shakespeare%27s_plays
Above is a link to Shakespeare’s plays
Wind in my pillows [Life in a Cabin/Tent with no door.]
Save me,I’m a waspie………………. [Confused person demands help from a Bee ]
As you swipe it…………………….[Use your card please while I watch]
As you wipe it ………[What an ass….keep it covered till later.]
As you spike it……………….[How to drug people senseful if they want you to do]
Did he take it………………………….[Bribes in modern life]
…………
Did you bake it?………………… [ White lies in between the courses]
As You Fake It………………..[Is anyone honest in bed?No,thank God!So far,so bad.]
As you take it……………………[All about saving thieves from me]
As I frighten it…………………………[Get rid of daddy long legs.]
As you strike it……………………..[ Do you think about the matches?]
Remedies for Terriers…………….. .[Dogs need psychotherapy too..]
Comedy of Worriers…………………….[Why, is there no trust is left in Society?]
Love’s Labor Costs…………………………. [Even love needs money now]
Measure your Leisure………………..Take away the last pleasures of free time with numbers.]
Merchant of Pennies………………..[I prefer pounds, but each to their own]
Sorry Lives of the Censored…………………….[USA boobs again]
Midsummer Blights Schemes…………[Too many leaves fell off the trees for devilment]
Julius Breather……………………………. [A break from antiquity at last’
Much Ado about Washing………….[.Confessions of Dirty Married Men]
Taming of the Brew ……………. [ How to make tea in a pot and live to drink it]
The Tempest missed………………. ………[Lucky me]
Elves Night……………………………. [No.not again.Elves are too small or I am a giant]
Too gentle women may moan for her [].Oh,dear.Highly Sensitive Women
Hinters fail……………………………… [Some folk like me just never get it.Tell us straight.]
I never knew you loved me till you were gone with the wind……[I sinned.]
Blind to men’s charms and hence not in their arms…………..[and other alarms]
Ring here…………………………..[Helpline for numb actors.]
The Bride and Seven others……….{polygamy or bigamy.Is it polite?]
A Gossamer Flight of Day Dreams…………..[Spiders for Britain]
Kings Sneer [Always an error]
Richard Who Dared………..[Wars of the Poseurs]
MacDeath ……………… [Stay off burgers]
MacClef ……………….. [Musical Version with real instruments]
Sing Dear………….. [Love for the well aged]
King Veered……………….. [How Eddie lost the throne for lurv]
I am descended from the Vikings who conquered Northern Britain… before you attack me,remember we are God’s frozen people.We have no manuscripts as we were all thick as planks and had no pens or ink… but we did see a lot of burning bushes… we had set fire to them ! And we did hear a voice,calling.
Let my people hoe..
He meant us.So we invented growing vegetables and hoes for hours but we never heard his voice again… but we live in hoe-p!
Of course we are no longer frozen with our heating etc.. maybe that’s the problem
Is it just Willy leaks or is it Mioaw?
My mistress’ eye is like a currant bun
Though she has problems,she is quite divine
Her bosom is bared,bold out in the sun.
I hope that what his hers is also mine?
My mistress eye looks fine as it is glass
She lost her marbles playing with a fox
She’s good at letting errors whistle past
And mending fuses in that little box.
My mistress dear I gaze upon that breast.
I see her skin is warm and she does sweat.
I too have lusted and I have confessed
But still she gambles and she places bets.
In truth I am as fickle as a weed
but each must act according to his need
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/06/books/review/InsideList-t.html?_r=1
Don’t wear a watch… unless it’s a diamond one and you are Queen Elizabeth
Do have your mobile on a contract not PAYG… you need it for the time
Don’t ever mention fountain pens
Don’t carry a straw shopper
Don’t do joined up handwriting
Don’t do any handwriting
Do hire a man
Do learn about sexually transmitted diseases
Don’t count on your fingers…
Don’t call your lover,my fiance
Don’t wear a “winter coat”
Do get anorexia
Do at least pretend to be manic depressive.
Do kiss everybody.
Do become bisexual
Don’t mention your cataract surgery.
Do die when alone.
Do have herpes but not IBS
Do learn the decimal system
Do learn what a kilogram weighs
Do have a pocket full of calculators
Do spend a fortune on your hair [I only have one]
Do cripple yourself with 6 foot heels.
Do wear a see through blouse and no camisole [ but a nude bra is ok]
Do ride a horse not a bicycle.
Do get a manicure even when you are dead
Around the unborn it’s lonesome to dwell forever unrestes
As all get out half way up path,none arrive in heaven
She’s as beautiful as the way is wrong,I am happy to delay.
As tense as a Londoner‘s hug was,it was better than snuffing it on the floor.
As far as I can pee,there’s nothing but slugs
As bloody as gold,speaking metagogically
As whiff!You pong so!
As luck would grab it I hid it first
As plain as the rose on your lingerie lace
As slender as mother’s apple tart kept me..I was irresistible on the table
As the cow flies,the bull grew wings.That’s logic for you.
as time harasses me,I ask,why?
As useful as a dead baboon
As welcome as a monk at a wife swapping party
As ye sew, so shall ye weep as I prick ye again
Too many jokes oil my path,so I tumble down again
We have a phrase here that is common in business speak,it is “Window of opportunity” So if you see one you are meant to go through it… but surely it should be…….A glass door of opportunity.You may see a chance through a window but many windows don’t open.
I have seen a great many things through windows that appeal to me but usually I can’t get in…..especially if they are on the upper floor.Sometimes sitting on the top deck of a bus I’ve seen handsome men getting undressed but as I don’t generally carry a ladder around it’s not proved of any use to me except for writing short stories.Do you feel I am getting a bit obsessed with windows?If you are a mature man email me to give me your view [!] on this subject.My email addresses are:
maryalright@yoohoo.com
mary.me@soho.organbach,net.co.uk
mayoui@suckatoe.conduit.
marystone@gorgons.co.uk
How my heart sings 