!Among its many counter-intuitive ideas, quantum theory proposed that energy was not continuous but instead came in discrete packets (quanta) and that light could be described as both a wave and a stream of these quanta.”Extract from article in Guardian.
Energy comes in packets usually known in Britain as biscuits.
Stan was in his front gardenpolishing the wheelie bins with lavender wax polish.
He was not very happy as the garden was only 10 feet by 12. so the huge wheelie bins ruined it.When he got to the third one the lid popped open and out jumped his next door neighbour “Adulterous Annie”.
Hello,Stan” she whispered.”Where’s Mary now ?”
“Why?”Stan muttered into the back of her neck which he licked as he like her salty taste.
“I was thinking, these bins are so big,we could both get inside one.It would make a change1!”.”What a strange idea” he replied philosophically.however age was no bstacle where love was involved. if you catch my drift.
Soon Stan and Anne were in the big green recycling bin.Stan being 81 had shrunk somewhat so he took up less space than Annie did.He allowed her to kiss his left eyelid.What a lovely feeling.
Alas, all too soon,as they say, they heard Mary’s bicycle bell.She was getting faster amd faster.As she wheeled her bikeup the 30 yard long front path to the porch she heardmurmurings and mutters,
She lifted up the green plastic lid and saw the two loverscovered in cuttings from the privet hedge.
“What the bleedin’hell are you doing in there?”she shouted mellifluously.
Well,it’s hard to explain,……………but Stan was wondering about a green funeral” Anne said mischievously.
“Funeral ,my hat!” Mary said coldly.”Get out at once”
“Don’t speak to me like that” Stan beseeched her brazenly.
“Well,it’s a shock to find your husband in the bin with another woman!”
“Wouldn’t it be more of a shock if he was in the bin with a man,or even a sheep?”
“Schmann or Schwommann,sheep,,it’s immaterial.
“Hurry,get out,quickly before the school exit time.what will all the mums think as they go by?”
But poor Stan could not get out,He was stuck.Oh,my!what an odd phrase.
“Have you got your mobile on you?” “Yes,it’s here in my bag.
“You’d better call 999” “What a brilliant idea!”
Soon Dave the paramedic arrived.
Mary showed him Stan’s situation.
Ever resourceful ,Dave was not bothered though the NHS budget might be getting cut.
He tied some rope round Stan’s waist and between the three of them and Emile the cat and his friend Elizabeth, they managed to haul him out.
Annie stood weeping with shame.Her silvery blue eyeshadow was beginning to run mixed with tears and black water soluble mascara from Chanel of Paris and London. Her new coral lipstick from Clinique was not as non-allergenic as she hope.Never mind,it gave her lips that bee stung look that many men admire.It reminded Stan of his boyhood days playing near High Force Waterfalls in upper Teesdale….Teesdale ,still an undiscovered and undervalued part of England,Contact the English Touring Board for more information. Holiday Loans available from Thwaites of Stockton and Darlington at only 1% interest.
Mary gave Annie a large Kleenex tissue,”Come indoors,honey, and I’ll make you some Ceylon tea.It’s been the most thrilling event of my entire life and I’ve photographed you with my new Nokia camera phone[Prices available on request from The Catphone Warehouse,Teesside,Northern England,comes in pink and pink and…pink?How I love pink!]
I’m going to send some to the local paper.
Stan staggered upstairs covered in bits of privet ,lettuce and cabbage hearts, and carrot tops,not to mention a few dozen banana skins and a few potato peelings.
What an afternoon.[Please contact the society for the care and protection of vegetables if you wish to make a complaint about this story.}
“That’s the last time I climb into a wheelie bin”,he thunked
“Next time we’ll use the cardboard and newspaper wheelie bin” he proclaimed.
Stan was standing on a small step ladder washing his windows yet again with a clean blue microfibreand elastane cloth and some windolene he had bought in Tesco’s
I don’t know why I bother,he whispered to Emile, who as usual was watching from the back of the sofa,which he was “milking” gently with his paws.
With all the rain,the outside of the windows was besmirched by leaves and bits of mud.A wiser man might have left it alone but Stan had O.C.D which made him very jumpy if he failed to carry out certain tasks… so he made use of it in house chores and baking perfect cakes and buns..and in taking snaps of frogs,birds and flowers.Mental disorder can be useful sometimes.
All of a sudden he heard clattering footsteps…
Up the garden path walked two women dressed in the latest style of 3/4 length silk cargo trousers with matching blouses, all in a subtle shade of violet.Except for their faces,of course,which were both a light shade of beige and they had Revlon peach blusher on their cheeks and Chanel scarlet lipstick…on their lips.They also wore dark blue nail varnish from Rimmel
“Good morning,Stan!” called one of them.”We are Anne‘s cousins from Pittsburgh.She told us to call on you today.”
“Well,I never knew wearing expensive makeup ran in the genes… can there be any other explanation?”Stan cried.
“Anne told us we must wear it all the time in the UK.”
she responded,”even in bed.”
“You seem a bit fast,” he answered,
“I’m not sure I want to go to bed and as you seem like identical twins,which of you should I bed?”
They burst out laughing….oh,what a noise!
“I was just saying what she told us,not meaning that you need to go to bed with us.In fact, we sleep together at night.”
“As children that would be normal,but don’t you think you should separate now?People might think you are gay!”
“We never worry about stuff like that… and by the way,this is Ruby and I am Rosie.”
“I’ll put on the kettle and make you some coffee,” the dear man said in a kind tone of voice,before he went into the kitchen and swallowed a handful of red and green striped valium tablets.
“I wish the psychiatrist would give me some therapy.I don’t like taking valium but I seem to be having visions again… and I don’t want to get worse..I never heard Anne mention cousins in the USA. I wonder if CBT would help me?”he said to Emile.
“I see visions all the time,” the cat replied in a matter of fact and calm way.
“Do they not make you feel anxious?”Stan called.
“No,I just watch them drift by,” purred Emile.”I enjoy them.”
“I wish these two women would drift off.”responded the weary yet charming old man.Ruby and Rosie came inside and admired the kitchen where colanders in many colours hung from the wall into which someone had knocked a few dozen nails.
“”Why do you have sixteen colanders?”asked Rosie.
“Why do you think everything has a reason?”Stan replied.
“I can see you studied philosophy,” Ruby cried disconsolately.
“No,I have just read Ray Monk’s Life of Wittgenstein eight times,” he quipped merrily.
“Wow,is it not boring?”
“No.it’s so good it put me off reading lesser books.And I love to understand things,”
Just then Stan tripped on the rug and fell over unconsciously
.Emile picked up his mobile with its full Qwerty key pad and texted 999.
“Why are you texting?”asked Ruby.
“Well,it difficult to mioaw down a phone and now I have this Blackberry it’s so easy…. why even a mouse could do it.”
“Do you know many mice,Emile?” enquired Ruby wistfully
Rosie slowly made some instant coffee, walking around poor Stan ,unconscious on the floor…and she and her twin sat down on some white Swedish chairs at the old oak table and drank it,gazing shyly at the huge weigelia blooming outside in the shed.
The front door opened and in ran Dave,the bisexual paramedic.
“Is it you,Emile.Have you lost your hankie again.Are you sad?” he moaned nervously.
“No,it’s Stan… but at least he’s not broken the chair”
Stan came too and looked up…
“Oh, lovely,I feel much better for that nap” he said brightly.
“Don’t you have a bed to sleep in?” said Ruby querulously.”I like your mean expression,my dear man.”
“Now,look here said Stan,”I’m too old for any monkey business.
Besides,I don’t know if you are real.”
“We just wondered why you slept on the floor.”
“A man has to do what a man has to do,” came the mystifying response.
“Now that Dave is here,he can take one of you and I’ll take the other.”
“Where will you take us”the twins asked delightfully….
“Do you fancy the cinema… they are showing Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday”
“Don’t tell me he’s still on his summer holiday!” riposted Ruby
“Let’s go in the ambulance.I’ll lie on the stretcher” offered Rosie generously..
“I’ll lie by you,”said Dave.” and Emile can drive.Stan and Ruby can lie on the floor.”
Sometimes life seems so simple,it’s rather like a dream controlled..
Controlled by what,asked Emile,clutching his Blackberry.
But answer came there none…
And that was very odd because.. they’d vanished every one…
To read more,why not take out a subscription?At just £100 a day,it’s value for money…as money no longer has any value!
He loves me more than his wife herself
he loves me as much as if I were his own voter
He says he loves me and needs to rewire me.
He is burning with a liar whiter than the sun.
Am I his bete amoureuse or do I fail to blunderstand French.
And it came to pass that they ate their dinner and that she did washeth up.
And she did leave the dishes to drain
Whilst she put on the washing machine.
and the man was very pleased.
And it further came to pass that she gave the man some pudding and he was more pleased.
And then it came to pass the he fell asleep
By the fire. And the Lord God,said who is this man that sleepeth by his fire?
And he said,I shall waken him up
And the man awoke,
And God spake unto him
How is it that the woman laboureth in ye kitchen.
And that thou sleepeth here in an armchair.
and the man said,
but Thou didst order women to labour.
And the Lord God said unto the man
Why dost Thou remember so selectively what I have said?
And the man said, I knoweth not and therefore I will help this woman.
And the Lord God said, Why dost thou not think of it thyself?
And the man said in reply, It was Thou that made me,O God
And the Lord God was displeased with the man.
so he called down a plague of butterflies
To prevent him from sleeping.
And when the woman came in
she was much pleased to see these butterflies
and so she fell onto the man
And he did make love unto her.
And the cat was very pleased.
For it thrilled him to watch humans mating and gave him hope
That the Lord God would take his rib and make a mate for him.
And indeed it doth seem to have happened
Judging by all the cats staring in ye old window here
And by their ecstatic yelps
That the Lord God was very generous with them and made them many mates.
For truly there is no jealousy among them
And they mate freely and happily and never have rows
about the washing up..as they eat straight from the can.Amen
We were both staring at what was hurting our shared boundary.
What we had in common was a pasting of grammar and some full stops from the old church organ..
not much help to a pair of old fools.
especially when it was just a mouth organ from a bizarre barre ballet shop in Covent Garden
We were speechless like a pair of cowardly sheep up a mountain in Wales
.Not a baaa baaa between us.
Up till then nothing had come between us except rhymes or reams of blotting paper
Well,there is a saying:neither rhyme nor reason and we certainly had no reason….
I’m only teasing.
We were as irrational as the square root of two.i.e.rational in the wrong sort of way.
Unexpected, like almost everything in this life, but full of seasoning.
Rationality was initially based on proportion then subsequently on distortion
and later contortion into the field of the imaginary
.Everything is imaginary … that’s oblivious to me, anyway.
And everything is abstract too.
Except lions in the zoo and me and you.
Shall we call it a day now?
I am happy with my sentence of a week in the wilderness.
Call that a sentence?
No arguing, as you may be persecuted and scolded at an auction sale.
And that is only the end of it all.. we lost the beginning in the womb of time.
Well,may be you can remember In my end is my beginning
The main purpose of sex is multiple onanisms.
Children are deceived half way through a womans bicycle.
Sex should not cause rubble in bed.
Remember a joke can aid your text life
Married folk can kiss on the Sabbath only and must not work at it
Please do not whore coal in the bath.
Please repress yourself in the kitchen.
Do not split up before dinner.
Do not separate eggs in a bowl.
Please warm the oven before cooking your goose.
Please light the fire before putting Polly on.
Coal is back in fashion.Smoke in comfort,just breathe.
Do you have trouble weeping?
Did your wife leave home with a suitcase?
Better the devil you sow.
After a time,life will be deranged.So bear up
Do you prefer text to sex?You are not alone!
Try to remember all the other people of worth.
If self involved you will save money on dates and raisins.
My whole life flashed by as I fell off the step.Then I fell off a ladder and it flashed by again in colour.Now I’ve had enough and am moving to a bungalow in Holland.
Sex is not bad as things go and being a thing it went
The weals of life are mainly on the interface.
My husband wears rubber pyjamas so I bounce around all night and I’ve lost a stone already.It was in my ureter.Then it wasn’t.
Please get divorced before marriage as a refusal often offends.
Post sent from my u- phone.
Fly with Whore Airlines cheap and fast.
Also whore multimedia is the best.
Try our new smartbones for the dead.
Swearing a problem?I have a degree in cursing.
Get yours in a month with my free u boat.
Sorry,F”””.. book.Only £7 to pensioners.Free to bankers
Angels needed.Apply with sin
,
Did you know they give out soap to all Classes?
Did you know that love is the opium of the asses?
Did you know that women were the opium of Picasso?
Did you know the Government dope the lower classes?
Did you know Anglicans wear those very small glasses?
Did you know Methodists can get free bus passes?
Did you know Benedictine is good for gluts of gases?
Did you know the BBC took Licence as high as they could Manage?
To B a figure of fun is to B geometric humor
Did you know your Government is fully of millionaires’ asses with freepasses
Dear Ron
I’m writing to you now as I had no time at Xmas with Mary wanting shopping and Emile having measles again.Since then life has calmed down a little.We had a party last week which went well,I believe though,don’t tell anyone,I had my mistress here doing the drinks!I know I’m 98 but I still love women.
Mary has been a good wife but she’s not glamorous enough for me.She wears a twinset and flowered skirt from Artigiano but she will have pen clipped to the front neck, her mobile in her 46H bra and a pair of pliers hanging from her belt and as well as that her nails are rough.
What puzzles me is, and again,keep this secret, when we married she was as flat as a pancake yet she’s now got a front like the prow of a ship.
I guess the ample cleavage is appealing to some men but I prefer skinny women…She blames me as she never ate until we married and she got the Jewish Cookery Book…God knows why as she was a Catholic then [but they have no cookbook].This book has everything,cheesecakes,sponge cakes,puddings,meat loaves and we have eaten all of it.
I wonder why I am still thin and she is so fat when she rides a bike to work and I drive the car….scientists don’t seem to know.
Still,I have my mistress who is quite slender and Mary seems to be elsewhere mentally…She reads Philosophy in bed.Is it my fault?I am so old I can’t change… but can she?I don’t mind her doing maths but I wish she wore a pearl satin nightie with lace all over it and some perfume… she smells of bike oil and Algipan heat rub.No wonder we never have any sex life now
.Do you think maybe I should wear a nightie like that and see how she reacts?Have you ever done anything like that?We could have a chat on the phone.It’s not so much the sex,it’s the cuddling I like and whispering in her ears.Too late as she probably is reading a manual for her camera and checking the screwdrivers and the files.
She has even stolen my camera…nary a word.
Still,there we go…life is hard.Emile had a very bad bout of measles and I kept him in for 3 weeks resting in a box.I wonder if he will catch chickenpox,I find him a worry though he is funny too and can swim!He is very rare.
I fear owing to the cat etc I have no real news.But I’d love to hear yours and remember,don’t tell anybody what I have confided in you.I hope we can meet in the Spring time
Till then,keep well.
Adios amigo
Your friend
Stan
ps I must tell you about Satan next time,you won’t believe it
Dear Stan
I am answering your letter immediately as I am very irate about your behaviour.
Muriel ran away with an artist but it was all above board; we had none of this deception.Can’t you speak to Mary?She seems quite charming to me.And your fantasies of wearing silk nightdresses seem odd in a man of your age…By all means try it if it will help your marriage.Will Mary wear her tigerprint house dress?I loved it.In fact I’ve been in love with Mary for many years but backed off on moral grounds but if you are consorting with Satan and this female neighbour,I feel I ought to help poor Mary…if you divorce her.. let me know!
Why does she carry pliers in her belt?Is she afraid of being attacked?As for her size,she does have a severe thryroid problem and that can play havoc with the weight.
Most men would be delighted to be engulfed in her delightful bosom and to kiss her plump yet elegant neck and to embrace her with love and passion.
Apart from Xmas,the old dog Gip died and Sally has had twins so Muriel is up from St Ives.I miss her but no longer so painfully and we want to be there for Sally and Ben.He’s only two and Malcolm travels so Ben will be quite hard hit by the twins coming.
So I see myself being a helping grandad doing manly things with him.I’ll soon have him changing fuses and backing up his laptop.I may even show him how to make plum wine in the autumn.Sally is breastfeading Jill and Milly so she’ll get tired out.
Has your Lyra never got married?That would occupy you.Emile is sweet but he is in fact just a cat.
Can you not go to the pub like other men?Play darts or gamble,smoke cigars and discuss politics…
Leave that neighbour alone or I shall swoop down to protect Mary like a giant owl on LSD.I’ll kill you.
We had a roast goose for Xmas.It’s now recovered as it was only half cooked and I’ve dug a pond for it.I am mating it in the spring,I hope.. where do I buy a female goose?I am fond of goslings
Now,just heed my words or I shall be very irate
Your old friend and moral adviser
Ron.
Moses was an Eruption, I hear.So he had to be kept warm in a bread basket.
Then Foureyes daughter let him gloat down on the River Nile…till a bull rushed him.
That turned him into a shrew and he found God.. or God found him.
But God would not let him find Galilee by himself so he found Emilee ,Loelee and Phoebilee instead.
He had many children such as Matthew,Hark,Look and Gone.They were all men and had more children with no wives.They didn’t have any women so who did Cain and Abel marry?Eve?
Is this what Freud never realized… men used to marry their mothers and later their daughters who were also their sisters,Crikey,what a blunder
Blimey what is this Hebrew Bible?Libel?
As we were taught in school, Daniel lived with a lion and a lamb.I’m unsure if they had children…. it might explain a lot if they did.
And finally Solomon was very wise.It was easier then when there was no judge or jury to stop him cutting a baby in two… well, he was just pretending,I think.
I say,the Shrews were very shrewd indeed and also very clever.Like, who told Adam and Eve what to do before Masters and Johnson wrote that book.. Human Textual despondency?
In any case Adam could not read.In fact they didn’t write either.And to think children here can write so young.Adam and Eve were a bit lacking but they have lots of family
Everybody on Earth… pity they are dead and can’t see us though God knows they’d be shocked if they saw our behaviour to our family.
I blame the apples,myself… what do you think?
As the new day dawned,Peter Fried.. that infamous psychoanalyst woke upto find himself in the washing machine yet again.He unwound himselfand crawled out.On the table was a note.
Dear Peter,
I washed up..hope you had a good night in the washing machine.Speak to you soon…Best wishes,Susan.
He moaned loudly at the prospect.Perhaps staying in Hampstead would have been better but he felt an obligation to spread his new therapeutic methods to the less civilized parts of Britain… such as Knittingham.But he had already met the most peculiar people who had caught him on their pan and would soon be eating him for dinner.
He looked out at the street… but there peeering into the window was Emile. the well loved cat
For,God’s sake Emile… why are you back here,he whispered.
I’d like to finish off your curry,Peter.
How kind of you.. please come in.
When Emile came in he jumped onto the couch.
You can’t eat it there,Emile,Peter said politely.
Well.. the truth is..I think I need therapy.Is it very expensive for cats?
I don’t recall anyone having treated a cat before.
This could make you famous,Peter.
Well,why do you think you need therapy?
I am suffering from a severe case of unfulfilled love.
You have problems with your lady cat friend?
No, no… the problem is I am in love with Susan.I dream of her every night.
And what are you doing in the dream?
What would you be doing,Peter..
I’m afraid the analyst must not reveal themselves,the cunning man responded rapidly as he blushed shyly.
And my second and more serious problem is that I am afraid I may be bisexual…I love you now as well as her.Is there any hope that i can return from neurosis to just the normal unhappiness of life?
Well, for a start I’d stop reading Freud..And let me ask Stan whether he is willing to pay for therapy.
Is it very expensive? asked the cast pensively
I let you use my washing machine free but he must pay for the soap powder.
What, are you going to give me washing machine therapy.
Well,it may be the best for you as the mud you lick from your fur may be affecting your brain.
Any other type of therapy?
Well, we might try Mindfulness or Meta-cognitive therapy.
That sounds very complicated.
Well,apart from that,you can keep busy , avoid coming here and don’t touch my best suit…
But can’t you write a paper like Freud wrote about the Wolf Man? Emile enquired with a strange enchanting charm
Wow,Emile you are very clever but alas that does not make people happy as you are a mere cat.It causes envy in their souls.So just mew now and then and purr and soon you will find a lady cat to love,I feel sure.You must not free associate as we now know Freud was mistranslated and he meant, Fee Negotiate.That means fight over the money you pay.I am not happy as money is the root of much evil especially when it is stolen from the poor to give to a witch or a wizard living in West Finnisterre or Doggerell.
And good night to you all and may God bless you all, some more than others
Hello Everyone
I thought we should join in this round robin idea this year
What a fantastic year it has been for me personally.I’ve averaged 100 viewers a day on my blog… in fact I now have three blogs counting the ones on “Living happily with paranoia and the measles ” and “Eff off i’m writing my dreck and other crap poetry”
I’m not surprised as my poetry and art is well above what most human beingss can achieve,but then I do have an IQ of 200.6731 and an eye for colour and form.In short I am a genius as you have already notiiced.
I have readers in Japan and Russia and even in the Ukraine… perhaps whilst they are shooting aieoplanes down.I’ve had readers in Jordan and Israel but so far Gaza has eluded me possibly the Wi Fi is shot just now but I hope they soon begin following my blog.. and that the Israel intelligence are not following me or it or anyone of you as they are very adroit with new technology
This writing has been so good for me during all the crises and we have also managed a surprising feat by both getting cancer at exactly the same time.And not to be outdone by me having a rare type of angina,my spouse has now got congestive heart failure which is not as yet quite total but who knows? That gives a certain frisson to life.
We have experienced the wonders of our two local hospitals biopsies,surgery, haemorages,plastic surgery, and I really won the prize when i had 22 injections of local anaesthetic under my left eye without screaming.. I hummed instead.They say many folk refuse to have it but I had no idea.And it was not as bad as the emotional suffering by a long walk.
I had often wondered what boxers felt like after a match and I now feel it ought to be totally banned.
.
The adventures of the prick [Thanks,doctor]
“ Prick me again,my darling.I love you whatever you do,
My bottom is numb and you sprained my thumb.
But what hurts is that you called me Sue.”
The surgeon is very good and plays
“Bridge Over Troubled Waters” as he works.Plus he spoke to me every five minutes to keep my brain going and my heart strong.Undeterred by all these episodes we decided it might be best to get divorced in October but ,having caught flu, broncitis.sinusitis and a severe UTI we are still together though what we are is not quite what it was,if you see what I scheme.We also now have rats.So far they are still wild but am hoping to tame them and give them a new home as my husband is afraid of getting too attached to a cat.I just hope the rats don’t want sit in my knee as we watch Foyle’s War and old films after supper.Will they need cutlery I wonder?
Somehow we have kept going yet are wondering if a double leap off Beachy Head might have been less painful and would have saved the NHS a lot of money and cut down the number of old folk in Britain as we are told daily what a pest we are….. just like the rats in a sense.
I had to drop the art class but here is a drawing I did when there.
Unfortunately owing to my auto-immune disorder I have never borne any fully mature fruit,however judging by other people’s round robins it appears to be a good thing.There seem few contented families in the UK.It makes me wonder where we all went wrong being so happy in our simple lives fifty years ago playing with the tar between the cobbles in the road ,skippint rope and catching frogs.
If our relatives are working they are stressed out and tortured and if unemployed they are despised and ignored.. If they have children then they have to teach them to write and read by 3 months and they must at Uni by the age of two.
If they have none they are wondering whether to use artificial means and in general mostly they wonder if life is worth living with no family ot whether to become transformed into another as yet unknown gender and demand the right to marry and adopt.
With sadness we look at our beautiful world and wonder if Eve should have chosen a pear for her first meal instead of that damned apple.Snakes alive
And for those who harp on about family values,I say
Were Adam and Eve married?
And who did their children marry?
So we are all illegitimate descendants of incestuous matings.
Maybe that is the reason for the state of the world.
Well,we have not built an extension,had a new oven or car
Though I did buy a new millk pan and a satchel in which to carry my new touchscreen chrome book
And an android phablet too… I admit it was Black Friday that tempted me.
We have no cloakroom or ensuite and we have not fixed the shower
We have not converted our loft or built a gazebo in the garden
We have taken no holidays nor even a one night break
so i am sorry to have to say I have nothing more to add to my newsletter
Just to say,2015 will probably be much the same blend of joy and woe as each year is.
But hope for all of you the joy will be the bigger part.
With much love,Katherine and John
Do you come here often?
Only when it’s not in my own house.
How often is that?
Five times a week.
Oh,you’re in therapy?
Aren’t you?
No,I’m the therapist!
I don’t recognize your face!
Well..I’m always crouching behind the sofa.
Oh,yes,so you are.Why is that?
It’s my training.We have to hover evenly.
When I finish my therapy,shall I be able to hover too?
Not necessarily,but you’ll be able to hoover.
But it could be years.
I know.It’s tough.
But my wife has asthma.
Does she want therapy?
No,she just needs the house hoovering daily.
Well,it will take time but we’ll get there.
I have an idea!
What is it?
I could lie on the sofa and you could pop into my house and hoover it!
Oh,no.I don’t think so!
But you can do an awful lot in fifty minutes.
But I don’t know how to use a hoover!
Well,why not enter into further therapy to overcome your disability?
I don’t think my wife would like it.
Why not?
I always get a very strong transference.
Have therapy with a hoover.The transference could be useful.You could earn more money cleaning!
Mm.Excuse me I think I can see a vacuum over by the door.See you tomorrow.Well,you won’t see me but you’ll hear me.
That’s a little unfriendly.
Well.nature abhors a vacuum.
I quite like them.I’m a vacuum flask salesman.
Really?Ten years in therapy and it never came up.
Well,I’m still enmeshed with my mother.
She’ll leave a vacuum when her image goes.
True enough.
Don’t be too hasty to fill it.
Why not?.
Wait to see how your unconscious feels.
That will be hard to tell as it’s unconscious!
Unconscious,subconscious,conscientious.
Am I too un-conscientious?
No,you are very scrupulous.
That’s a relief!
Why?
Only the best people get scruples.
How do you know that?
My unconscious tells me!
I loved her for her dark blue eyes,
And her Le Creuset pot.
I loved her though she was naive,
As she was very hot.
I loved her curly golden hair.
I loved her home made jam.
But most of all,I loved her brain
And how she dealt with spam.
I loved to lick her bright pink lips
I loved to bite her ear.
But most of all,her innocence,
Which made me pull her near.
I liked to lick her cheeks as well
I liked to touch her hair.
But it proved slightly difficult
For she was rarely here.
I looked at all her photographs,
I looked at all her posts.
She has twenty boyfriends now,
Whom does she love the most?
I loved her breakfast coffee pot,
I loved her tea as well.
She fed me on her buttered toast,
The rest I shall not tell
I was happy,I was sad.
Whatever should I do?
She has run off with a tramp
She met in London Zoo!
She sent me a love letter once,
And now she sends a card
I wish that she’d leave me alone
Jealousy’s so hard.
My heart has got the cramps in it,,
I’m sitting in the bath.
The water is as black as coal,
And I’m still filled with wrath,
Stan was in his front garden polishing the wheelie bins with lavender wax polish.
He was not very happy as the garden was only 10 feet by 12. so the huge wheelie bins ruined it.When he got to the third one the lid popped open and out jumped his next door neighbour “Adulterous Annie”.
Hello,Stan” she whispered.”Where’s Mary now ?”
“Why?”Stan muttered into the back of her neck which he licked as he like her salty taste.
“I was thinking,these bins are so big,we could both get inside one.It would make a change1!”.
“What a strange idea” he replied philosophically.however age was no obstacle where love was involved. if you catch my drift.You can or you can’t or you improvise.
Soon Stan and Anne were in the big green recycling bin.Stan being 81 had shrunk somewhat so he took up less space than Annie did.He allowed her to kiss his left eyelid.What a lovely feeling.
Alas, all too soon for the illicit lovers they heard Mary’s bicycle bell.She was getting faster amd faster at shopping.As she wheeled her bike up the 30 yard long front path to the porch she heard murmurings and mutters,
She lifted up the green plastic lid and saw the two lovers covered in cuttings from the privet hedge.
“What the bleedin’hell are you doing in there?”she shouted mellifluously.
Well,it’s hard to explain,……………but Stan was wondering about a green funeral” Anne said mischievously.
“Funeral ,my hat!” Mary said heartily.”Get out at once”
“Don’t speak to me like that” Stan beseeched her brazenly.
“Well,it’s a bit of a shock to find your husband in the bin with another woman!”
“Wouldn’t it be more of a shock if he was in the bin with a man,or even a sheep?”
“Schmann or Schwommann,sheep,,it’s immaterial.”Mary responded
“Hurry,get out,quickly before the school exit time.what will all the mums think as they go by?”
But poor Stan could not get out,He was stuck.
“Have you got your mobile on you?”
“Yes,it’s here in my bag.
“You’d better call 999”
“What a brilliantly original non-idea!”
Soon Dave the paramedic arrived.
Mary showed him Stan’s situation.
Ever resourceful ,Dave was not bothered though the NHS budget might be getting cut.
He tied some rope round Stan’s waist and between the three of them and Emile the cat and his friend Elizabeth, they managed to haul him out.
Annie stood weeping with shame.Her silvery blue eyeshadow was beginning to run mixed with tears and black water soluble mascara from Chanel of Paris and London. Her new coral lipstick from Clinique was not as non-allergenic as she hope.Never mind,it gave her lips that bee stung look that many men admire.It reminded Stan of his boyhood days playing near High Force Waterfalls in upper Teesdale….Teesdale ,still an undiscovered and undervalued part of England,Contact the English Touring Board for more information. Holiday Loans available from Thwaites of Stockton and Darlington at only 1% interest.
Mary gave Annie a large Kleenex tissue,
“Come indoors,honey, and I’ll make you some Ceylon tea.It’s been the most thrilling event of my entire life and I’ve photographed you with my new Nokia camera phone [Prices available on request from The Catphone Warehouse,Teesside,Northern England,comes in pink and pink and…pink?How I love pink!]
I’m going to send some to the local paper.
Stan staggered upstairs covered in bits of privet ,lettuce and cabbage hearts, and carrot tops,not to mention a few dozen banana skins and a few potato peelings.
What an afternoon.[Please contact the society for the care and protection of vegetables if you wish to make a complaint about this story.}
“That’s the last time I climb into a green wheelie bin”,he thought.
“Next time we’ll use the cardboard and newspaper wheelie bin instead
Well,it was the end of a beautiful relationship,
My cat left home to go to college.
I asked her to study via the Open University,
But she wants to go to Night School.
I can see the attraction,
Or should I say,I would have done when younger.
My nights are filled with dreams
I dreamed someone cooked me a lovely meal.
How do you interpret that?
You don’t interpret?
Sorry for asking as a refusal often offends,
That’s why I never got married.
Life is a question of balance,
Or is it proportion?
Whatever.You know what I mean.
What do I mean?
Well,one must keep things in perspective
And always keep the vanishing pointin mind.
Look out for the lost,
And don’t forget the shadows
Including your own.
Try to get good quality materials,
Or the best you can afford.
Learn how to listen,
Don’t stare too long into an other’s eyes.
Keep your finger nails clean
And always wear sunscreen.
Except in bed,of course.
Is there a spouse screen to protect one
From encroachment?
Loss of self may be gradual,
Or you may never have had a self.
That can happen now and then.
Keep you spaces empty
so grace can enter you
And you can put up visitors.
Grace may visit you more
If you listen with your eyes.
That’s what I found anyway
Wow,they don’t soften the blow,do they said Anne,her face pink with the over heated air of the
A and E ward
How far out would it come? enquired Mary scientifically
her pointed face creased with worry.But none of the staff answered
Mary advised Stan gently,
Just blot the end of your nose,honey,if it runs.You’ll be alright with me here.
Though his eye looked very peculiar
Another doctor came in after six hours and informed old Stan he had confusions in his brain.
See a psychiatrist,Stan told him rudely.Why tell me?
Emile hid his head inside the bag.
I am going to ring a neurosurgeon,don’t go home till I get back,he ordered Mary bossily
Another doctor told them Stan should see an opthalmologist….
Mary began to feel sick…and the first doctor never came back.
Perhaps he’s fallen into a black hole,said Anne foolishly as she reapplied her orange lipstick and powdered her ample bosom and cleavage.
Stan mewed musically to tease Emile.Emile purred as loud as possible…he enjoyed purring very much.
At midnight the staff nurse advised the women to go home as Mary would have to be admitted to the Cardiac Unit if she stayed much longer….. her face was as white as a goat’s belly…is that wight?
They went off in a minicab but left Emile under the trolley on a small shelf from where he chatted to Stan and operated a recording device… to spy on the staff
Stan grew more and more tired,lying all alone…pity they don’t have a lying in nurse nowadays!
Why,I feel as if I am in prison, he told Emile…I want to go home and go to my own bed…
Me too,said Emile…I have a new girlfriend called Jenny,he went on.
I look forward to meeting her, said Stan..and he fell into a dream where he was surrounded by lovely female nurses in pale pink uniforms all smiling at him……..if only it were true.
Can you dream whilst awake?
Yes, all life is but a dream..and I’m a butterfly.
And I see I am in some photographs
I was looking at a clothes catalogue just now and thought,
That’s a nice pair of gloves.
When I looked again I saw it was a party dress.
Oh,my.I must need my eyes testing.
I shall be alright as long as I don’t go out in a glove by mistake for a dress.
I went out in a mitten last night
I gave all the neighbours a fright.
They are collecting for me
To buy me some tea….
Now a tea bag would be a fine sight.
Or how about being dressed in some peel
Which off any banana I’d steal.
Then I’d give men the slip
As they slid off my hip
Some days I almost feel real.
All the winter coats are being sold off
As the autumn was not freezing or rough.
But I wear woolen vests,
Which keep off the pests.
Though men are endearingly tough.
In Mexico lived a wise man
Who ate his food straight from the can.
When he was asked why
He made no reply
for he was eating some milk and All Bran.
Constipation’s a problem to men
Who only eat veg now and then.
If they have no wives
They are risking their lives
As they live on cold pies and fried hen.
Guinness has iron in the beer
Which helps the anaemic to steer.
So drive your car home
While you’re in the zone.
You really have nothing to fear.
Some men live just with a cat.
That is nothing ,as some love a bat.
But cats like to purr
As a man strokes their fur.
A poor bat can’t compete with that.
Men often live with a wife
Whom they married before they had a life.
So they cheat and conspire,
play with ice and with fire.
Till one day she gets out her knife.
Being locked in a prison’s no fun.
If only I had a re-run.
I’d pretend to know naught,
about whom he’d caught.
And find myself another hot one
Pray Father,give me some washing.I’ve got Wikileaks and a new obsession.
Tell me more,my child.I am feeling bored.
I think someone has been inside my computer.
They can’t be human. so why worry?
Why not,Father?
Well, we are not thin enough to get into the computer.
Ah, they turn themselves into particles and come in with the current..
when it’s high tide.
Do you mean tied?
No,Father.I’ve not been reading that book.Fifty Blades All Gay
Neither have I but in the confessional I’ve heard it all and more.
And how does that make you feel,Father?
Why pay to read a fantasy when you can dream up your own?
Some are born dim… others become dimner by choice
Well,any sins tonight,my dear?
I’m so sorry.I was planning to tell a lie but I forgot.
There’s a list of sins in the Missal…have you read those?
Yes,I’ve not tried most of them yet… though I just got a slight pang of anger
when a brick fell onto my head from a clear blue sky.
That’s natural anger,my child.but I feel it was odd for a brick to fall like that
Has a brick ever fallen on your head,Father.
Not yet but I’m only 97.I must buy a hard hat
Wow,you look much olde than 97 r.Are you longing to diet?
Why, is there no food in heaven?
I wonder who cooks if they eat up food
Maybe they live on manna.
Does God eat food?
That was one topic we never did in the cemetery.
Do you mean the seminary.
At my age, they are all one.
You have reached Nirvana….congratulations.
Well.I’d prefer a cup of tea.
You English!
What are you?
I’m a great Dane.
Did you say a grey Dane.
That too.
Well perk up;the show’s not quite over till the gnat really stings.
Do gnats eat string?
String… it’s my passion.Love it or mate it…get involved.
Live a little.
And for your penance… you must have a bath…
Why?
I don’t like the way you smell.
Well,I am a dog.. we like to sniff.May I borrow your hanky?
Definitely,I shall dry your tears for you and please try to commit few intriguing sins before you come back here.
I’ll wash it for you.And dry it out of doors
Well,it’s not over till that gnat gets its sting and the phone gets a ring
Mary had a busy morning ironing Emily’s nightdresses whilst the cat lay under the table watching her.Eventually she rang BT to enquire whether a 66 per cent increase in the bill was normal when inflation was onlty 3 per cent.Despiter her knowledge of quantum theory and dysfynctional analysis she was unable to understand the explanation.Though she did get a slight reduction.
As she sat down at the table to fill in the Accounts Book she realised that instead of a pen she had a grapefruit spoon in her right hand.
This is just the end,she told herself.I need to relax.I am all knotted up like a ball of string.How can I change my life? Alas no ideas came into her mind as she sat staring out of the French windows at the grey and lilac November sky.
As Stan came back from his walk full of fresh air, he saw Mary sitting sobbing by the television.
What’s the matter,dearest? he asked her gently.
It’s all these bills plus the fact that I buy hundreds of pens every year yet can never find one,she said dolefully.
Yes,it’s a bit like the disappearing teaspoons, he said in a reflective tone.I suppose we must accidentally toss them into the kitchen bin when clearing up.I am not surprised so many old folk get paranoia as we like to think somebody else is responsible for the mess we live in.
And,Mary said,I bought a tablet since it’s Black Friday.But after spending ages trying to connect the camera I found it doesn’t have one.
That’s the downside of trying to buy things more cheaply,Stan said wisely.
I suppose it’s a bit like a religion.Everyone is rushing about buying stuff so we feel we should join in,Mary blurted out in a manner unlike her usual detached and affectless manner developed as a technique in her job as a maths lecturer.
I think I’d rather meditate in the church than go shopping for bargains,Stan answered.Do you feel we ought to resume our old religion.he asked her pointedly.
Well,you’ll have to give up sinning with Annie, she told him with a smile.I know i am a bit lacking in that department but it’s not personal to you.I have never felt much interest in sex except with a film star.Perhaps I should have been a nun.Still I do like sharing my life with you and the cats and even Annie…. and we have our daughters too though where are they now?
Are we keeping this little female cat,Stan asked jovially.
Oh,yes.I have already bought her some nightdresses so she can sleep by your arm at night
.I just hope Emile will not be jealous,Mary said anxiously.
Well.I want a female in bed,even if it’s a cat,Stan told her.I just want a bit of affection.And she seems not to be a scratcher.Emily purred loudly as she had been starving since her owner Jean had moved into a retirement complex where animals were forbidden although they do allow fleas and bed bugs we are told.But who wants to sleep with a bug ? They are unkind and nasty little creatures though God must have had a plan for them.He alone knows what it was.
Annie was standing outside wearing a red corduroy outfit and a purple woollen hat. and matching suede leather boots.She tapped on the window and Mary went to open the back door.
Would you like some tea,Annie,she asked her politely.
I’d love some.,was the answer.I have made some shortcake with real butter in it and she pulled a large bag of biscuits from her large leopard skin handbag..
Did you make them,Mary enquired courteously.
Yes,I decided to begin to buy fewer things in the shops and I use less sugar.Did you know your brain and heart need some fat?
No,said Mary.But I know the brain contains a lot of fat… so we must need it and butter is delicious as well.Maybe I shall make something but I have a lot of ironing with the new cat.
Surely you don’t iron the cat,Annie shouted. in horror
No, it’s just she likes pretty dresses,Mary called.Come here Emily, she carried on.Emily came out from under the table wearing a white denim skirt and a pink blouse…. and a red hat.
How can she climb trees, asked Annie.
Well,all these clothes are machine washable.And she has no shoes on so she can use her claws.Anyway she doesn’t go out much as she hates the cold.I suppose I could get her a goodesdown parka…
I think some jeans would be better, or jeggings.. with a tunic top.How about a headscarf too now it’s winter,Annie murmured softly
What a problem it is for cat owners.Should they put their pets on a fixed allowance or let them spend whatever they like with their own credit card?The two women were soon deep in thought while Stan went and made some nice hot tea.We all need a man now and then… even if we don’t have one of our own… maybe we can borrow one like we do with library books.Now that seems a good idea.
Stan would be shocked at the thought he might be avaiable on loan from the library but it would make him feel wanted and useful and give him an insight into the women of Knittingham and their unique ways.And that might help his marriage or at least give them something to talk about.
The end of the tale
[Photo by Mike Flemming.Copyright 2014.]
Please do not fall over after rising from the bed.
Stan was thinking of going to an Evening Class.He had got a brochure from the public library on Saturday but there was not much in it.As he was sitting in his conservatory brooding restlessly over this he saw a looming shape pass by.It was Annie his neighbour wearing a big rucksack.
“Annie,you are usually dressed in a fashionable and stylish even modish manner.Whence the rucksack?”
“Oh,well,you’re out of touch.Rucksacks are the new handbags according to Prada.”
“Is Prada that young lady who has just taken the flat over the florist’s?”
“No,you nincompoop,Prada is an Italian Fashion Company”.
“I think Prada would make a good name for a cat or Prado if he was a male cat.What do you think,Emile?Would you like to be called Prado?”
“Definitely not.” miaowed Emile loudly.”Prado is too full of consonants for me.I don’t like saying “P.”
“He sayeth not P but doeth it,just as the Prophet foretold” Stan murmured merrily to Annie.
“What are you doing?” she asked him pointedly.
“I’m choosing an Evening Class but there are not many on offer.I wanted to learn Pilates but maybe I’m too old and stiff!”
“We could go to a private class in the Conservative Club.”
“I can’t go in there,not even to learn Pilates.”
The doorbell rang.It was their local M.P. Andy Pandy.What a shock.
“Good evening,Sir.”
“It’s only 10 am,”Stan said rudely.”Wait I want to record your words.”
“Why is that?”
“I may be able to sell them on-line.”
“Oh,no.That’s unlikely.I’m only a glove puppet!”
“That wasn’t what you said before the Election” Stan whispered to him.
“Well,I didn’t realise then.I thought I was a human being.”
“Like David Cameron?”
“Yes,only I don’t speak as poshly as he.”
“But do you think he is a glove puppet too?”
“Yes,definitely.I’ve seen the Hand that manipulates him.”
“Why don’t you leave?”
“I have thirty children to support.”
“How come you have so many?”
“Oh,it’s quite easy if you have plenty of lovely lady friends and …”
“I’m talking about responsibility.You are a member of the Establishment.”
“Well,once I was a rebel.But a Famous Rebel will eventually be knighted.”
“So I’ve noticed.” {He’s thinking of Sir Michael Jagger who is 68 plus]
“Why was Lucian Freud not knighted?Surely he was a deserving artist.”
“He was more of an Observing Artist.He Observed what he shouldn’t!”
“What was that?”That very large people are beautiful like rocks in canyons and caves.and the Queen looks like an old East Ender.”
“Do you think she’s partly Jewish?”
“Well,everyone in the world has a little Jewish blood!”
“So the Queen does.Does she know?”
“Well it doesn’t matter whether she knows.I’m just interested.After all she’s the Head of the Anglican Church, a branch of Christianity,so as Jesus was 100% Jewish it would be an advantage to her.She might be a distant relation to him.”
“I never knew Jesus was Jewish!” “Oh,yes I remember now.And the shepherds with their flocks….was that not here in England?”
” No and King Herod wasn’t English.Herod’s never been a very popular name anywhere really.But you know everybody in the world is probably slightly English.Just listen to them talk!They all speak the lingo.”
“But what about that song “Jerusalem” by Blake?”
“Was not Jerusalem builded here,in England’s green and pleasant land?”
“He was speaking in symbols or metaphors.”
“Why didn’t he learn English? Cymbals are just for banging.”
“Well, he was English!”
“He was crazy.That’s typical English trait.”
“Yes,we love eccentrics.”
“Do you know any?”
“Not as such,no. But I’d love one if they lived next door”
“Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather when I heard that.”
“Well,Annie is a bit eccentric.Stan thought.”She’s murdered her husband and seduced me in front of the wife.No,she’s just got borderline personality disorder.I wonder who invents all these new mental disorders.Maybe I could invent some.”
“Well,the mind doctors need to earn money.”
“True…. send them to Afghanistan.Then we’ll see who has PTSD!”
“Now,there’s a thought!”How about David Cameron for starters?”
Having a nervous breakdown is not pleasant but at least you lose weight as terror sits on your abdomen .So the government is asking for new ways to induce breakdowns in the public as it will prevent heart disease and diabetes.So far they have already caused two men to starve to death by docking their benefits… still they didn’t go to A and E nor have heart disease and they are already buried so no more benfits will be paid out.
As the mental health services are so bad, you will need to pay for therapy or break into a pharmacy.You will then be put in prison and hence lose more weight as the food is bad.
To help the government,you might be able to induce a breakdown by studying the economic situation,worrying about your children and not eating much.And watching TV all night… that might do the trick.Or try shopping on Cyber Monday and at Xmas.
On no account try to get better as they will force you to work free removing the insides of chickens as the chickens run along a conveyer belt… it’s cheaper and more hygienic not to kill them first.Is it Christian?Well, is the government Christian?
Going to church/synagogue does not make you anything,it’s your deeds that make you what you are plus what you say too.And what you write.. and email as they are actions as well.How you treat others.
Would Jesus have asked us to starve people to death to save the rich?
It’s bleeding obvious,my friends.Yet the callme a bleeding heart liberal.
He told me he loved me before time doggone.
His hands seem to bewitch my me and sigh deeply.
He was the most gifted blogger of his entire veneration.
His words were like raindrops on toast.
His talent was watchless.
His behind was unique.
His eyes gleamed like traffic signals stuck on” Go”
His writing was the toast of the down
He never told me his game.
He told me I was named in his kill
He said he had fun when he went mad,
1
r
Freud made an error for women have an unconscious envy of men’s beards,It’s not enough for men to have long hair.They also can have long beards and moustaches too.In many cases they have better hair than women do.But they don’t need it,do they?They don;t tint it,condition it etc.Now if we had all that hair we’d be warmer and it would hide the dirty marks on our woollen jumpers
Admittedly it would need washing daily but it would be a good excuse for not going out
I have to wash my beard tonight.I am waxing my moustache too.
Why should we envy a penis when we have a womb?
But what have we got instead of a beard…NOTHING.
That is clearly unjust and God is nor unjust so where is the answer?
Beware of getting into hot water in your bikini
A few weeks after Annie moved into the lovely house next door to Stan,he met her when he was seeing his wife off to work.
Why does Mary not have a car? Annie enquired suspiciously.
She is trying to keep slim,Stan told her.
Well,she’s not been very successful,Annie said scientifically.
She might be much fatter than she is now if she drove a car,he stated ponderously
That’s true,muttered Annie loudly.I am your new next door neighbor.
Yes,said Stan,I have seen you sunbathing in the garden in your bikinis.
How come? she asked merrily yet sternly
There’s a big hole in the fence.He said
Is it legal to look at women through a hole in the fence?asked Annie.I know it’s illegal to look into their bedroom windows.
Is it really,asked Stan nervously,I had no idea.How about women looking at men through a round hole in a fence or square one?
Oh,they are not very keen to do that,she lied charmingly.
Well,said Stan,clearing his throat,I think I owe it to myself to tell you that I love you.
Wow,you’re quick off the mark,the lady said saucily.What do you mean,you owe it to yourself? she continued in a puzzled tone.
Nothing,said Stan,I could not think how to word it.I mean I wish to unselfishly love you and admire your ripe body and your cute sense of color.I love your teal trouser suit.And you sing so well in the bath.I can hear you.
You didn’t mean you owe it to yourself to take advantage of me?
Not unless you want me to take advantage of you,the gallant old man informed her kindly
And you can take advantage of me, he said I make cakes and biscuits,wholemeal bread and I am training my cat Emile to do statistics on an i pad.
How extraordinary,Annie whispered.I didn’t know cats had an “I.” let alone pads.
Well,they have pads on their paws,he informed her intelligently.
True,she said,but where are their I’s?
Where are our I’s ? he responded in a manner to rejoice the heart of Mary Midgley or Susanne Langer two of Stan’s favourite writers on philosophy,logic,symbols and ethics.
Not that he practised the Ethics but he liked to know what he was doing wrong.It’s more fun that way.If you sin,sin big!
A man who seduces women merrily one after the other may have no idea it might be wrong.Neither might the women.Why is it wrong? Surely it’s better than killing people,making war or leaving the lid off the jam all night so the wasps get into the jar?
Still,not many men get the chances that Stan got.No-one suspected this kindly,handsome practising Catholic was a womaniser despite his blue beard,green eyes,white skin and red hair.And his slim yet strong figure clad in navy trousers and white shirts all the year round.Maybe his wife did but she preferred to read Aristotle in bed and dream about mercury… those little silver balls,so cute!
Well,as we know,Stan is about to make Annie his mistress but in such a cold wet summer,where can he take her to do the deed?The shed?The public library? Cafe Nero?
I owe it to you not to tell you yet.That will give you time to think of a solution for this sweet old man and his naughty but nice neighbor. Like,how about the confessional in the local Church?
Whatever next?
I owe it to myself to keep it secret as you may come along and spoil the fun.
Stan went indoors and washed up in the boiling hot water he kept by him constantly as he owed it to himself to be ready to make a hot drink at any moment he fancied and by gum,he did fancy like no man has ever fancied before.So his daemon tells me.
Sc
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronology_of_Shakespeare%27s_plays
Above is a link to Shakespeare’s plays
Wind in my pillows [Life in a Cabin/Tent with no door.]
Save me,I’m a waspie………………. [Confused person demands help from a Bee ]
As you swipe it…………………….[Use your card please while I watch]
As you wipe it ………[What an ass….keep it covered till later.]
As you spike it……………….[How to drug people senseful if they want you to do]
Did he take it………………………….[Bribes in modern life]
…………
Did you bake it?………………… [ White lies in between the courses]
As You Fake It………………..[Is anyone honest in bed?No,thank God!So far,so bad.]
As you take it……………………[All about saving thieves from me]
As I frighten it…………………………[Get rid of daddy long legs.]
As you strike it……………………..[ Do you think about the matches?]
Remedies for Terriers…………….. .[Dogs need psychotherapy too..]
Comedy of Worriers…………………….[Why, is there no trust is left in Society?]
Love’s Labor Costs…………………………. [Even love needs money now]
Measure your Leisure………………..Take away the last pleasures of free time with numbers.]
Merchant of Pennies………………..[I prefer pounds, but each to their own]
Sorry Lives of the Censored…………………….[USA boobs again]
Midsummer Blights Schemes…………[Too many leaves fell off the trees for devilment]
Julius Breather……………………………. [A break from antiquity at last’
Much Ado about Washing………….[.Confessions of Dirty Married Men]
Taming of the Brew ……………. [ How to make tea in a pot and live to drink it]
The Tempest missed………………. ………[Lucky me]
Elves Night……………………………. [No.not again.Elves are too small or I am a giant]
Too gentle women may moan for her [].Oh,dear.Highly Sensitive Women
Hinters fail……………………………… [Some folk like me just never get it.Tell us straight.]
I never knew you loved me till you were gone with the wind……[I sinned.]
Blind to men’s charms and hence not in their arms…………..[and other alarms]
Ring here…………………………..[Helpline for numb actors.]
The Bride and Seven others……….{polygamy or bigamy.Is it polite?]
A Gossamer Flight of Day Dreams…………..[Spiders for Britain]
Kings Sneer [Always an error]
Richard Who Dared………..[Wars of the Poseurs]
MacDeath ……………… [Stay off burgers]
MacClef ……………….. [Musical Version with real instruments]
Sing Dear………….. [Love for the well aged]
King Veered……………….. [How Eddie lost the throne for lurv]
I think Stan is having a nervous breakdown.He hasn’t cleaned the windows for a week and he says he hates the vista.
I know this vista well and to a cat it’s quite intriguing,though we have better vision than humans
He says he can’t do a back up…why can’t he park up front ?
Now he says there’s a virus in here.Well,I’ve seen some beetles on You tube and spiders in the bath but not a single virus….
He says the touchpad needs freezing………..well,it won’t fit in our freezer..it’s full of kippers.My pads are still ok despite my climbing trees.
Now he’s shouting “Bugs” at the computer but so far it’s not replied.
I said it’s time for coffee,to which he replied:
“To be or not to be”
So I said,”Measure for measure.”
Then he leered nastily
So I said,
I want to change sex for my name is Cordelia.
He said,you’ve got your own blog now,Emile.
I said,Lend me your ear.
He said,You have two already!
So I said,Much ado about nothing.
He said,Are you barking?
I whispered,It’s a dog outside
He said,Persuade me.
So then I did bark, just a little one, and he passed out on that old chair.
We’re waiting for the ambulance now.I actually dialled 999 and though they didn’t understand my miaows they did trace the phone number and then found the address from that.
Then tonight we’re all off to see
Timon of Athens
or is it
Timor of Athens?
It’s all Greek to me.
It could be Hebrew…the concept appeals to me.
Was it Aramaic they spake?Cats don’t have all these languages
One image is worth a thousand words especially if it’s of a bird or a mouse.
But in modern culture words are valued more highly.So only children had picture books.I like it when Lyra was a child because she let me look at cats in her story books.And mice as well.
I have to have a bath now so I shall end here
How my heart sings 