Freud was a deep and bright man
He invented neuroses , and wham!
We all got laid faster
by this ancient master
I came to and therefore I am.
The shadows of the past haunted Jung
As round him they oftentimes clung
When he span around
They were laid on the ground
But the mere sight of them bitterly stung.
Adler was the disciple number three
He thought power was all,don’t you see?
But he lost Freud’s hand
As it lay on the sand
If anything’s queerer, ‘snot me
I love to look into a mirror
My face glows with bright yellow skincream
I love my own image
Even time ravaged
I wonder when I’ll be made Queen.
I bought some shapeware for fat women
As my round bits are all falling down
Now my bum protrubes off the cuff;
And my breasts look like a stiff ruff
I bought chafeless cycling shorts last week
And went for a ride in the woods.
The gynaecologist saw my shorts
She made sardonic remarks.
So my cheeks are all reddened with blood.
She told me that I’ve got anaemia
Yet my irony level is high.
There are 400 different types
Pernicious sounds just right.
I must go and tell my old Guy
My dead husband does not know nothing
He’s in the front room in a bag.
i had him cremated
Rght after we mated.
So now I’m a lonely old hag.
i could have got married to a doctor
And lived in a big detached house
Yet though he loved me so much
I left him in the lurch.
I now live with the church mouse.
y
Oh how I long,I long to meet with you
Beside the lilac filled with honey dew.
I’d hold you gently in my arms and say
You are me and I’m in love today.
Where is the wickedness in l oving all our self?
Even in the night and when it’s done with stealth?
I dream, I speak and understand myself
Enriched forever with this new and precious wealth
And then I’ll love my neighbour if he’s very kind
And if he has a free and open mind.
For if we love ourselves we are relaxed
And so we need to make no cold attacks.
was in fragments lying on the ground
Until these bits a passing angel found
I was put into a kiln to bake
Thus now I am a brick or maybe a sponge-cake.
Let’s enjoy our humour as we come and go
And as the laughter starts yet tears may flow.
For I was you and you were me not long ago
Accept our losses as we onward flow…
The river runs,the clouds blow by
The heavens open yet my mouth is dry.
Don’t ask a question that begins with why.
Remember just we live and then we die.
Oh,send me roses and your orchids wild
I have loved flowers since I was a child
So when I die, let them die too
First covering me in scent and fragrant dew.
To mystery and darkness we are sent at last
As nightfall comes and our day has passed.
To dreams of heaven and the long ago
When Eden was on earth and gentle winds did blow
Freud wrote a book called Moses and Monotheism during the transition he was forced to make to the UK from Vienna owing to fear of Nazi arrest and its consequences.His four sisters all died in those Concentration Camps.In this book he apparently suggests that Moses was Egyptian.Edward Said has also written a book about Moses.Some people say he was a ruler in Egypt who had to leave for political reasons….He was obviously very talented.
Moses was an Eruption I hear.So he had to be kept warm in a basket.
Then Foureyes daughter let him gloat down on the River Nile…till a bull rushed him
Then he turned into a shrew and found God.. or God found him
But God would not let him find Galilee so he found Emilee ,Loelee and Phoeebilee linstead.
He had many children such as Matthew,Hark,Look and Gone.They were all men and had more children with no wives.They didn’t have any women so who did Cain and Abel marry?Eve?
Is this what Freud never realized… men used to marry their mothers and later their daughters who were also their sisters,Crikey,what a blunder
Blimey what is this Bible?Libel?
As we were taught in school Daniel lived with a lion and a lamb.I’m unsure if they had children…. it might explain a lot if they did.
And finally Solomon was very wise.It was easier then when there was no judge or jury to stop him cutting a baby in two… well, he was just pretending.
I say,the Shrews were very shrewd and clever.Like who told Adam and Eve what to do before Masters and Johnson wrote that book.. the Human Textual despondency?
In any case Adam could not read.In fact they didn’t write either.And to think children here can write so young.Adam and Eve were a bit lacking but they have lots of family
Everybody on Earth… pity they are dead and can’t see us though Goodness knows they’d be shocked if they saw our behaviour with our family
I once had a boyfriend from Diss
Who was too backward to give me a kiss.
He gazed with round eyes,
When I told him lies
Which rather depleted my bliss.
I never tell lies to my lovers
Or are they just birds undercover?
I never succumb
Which makes all feel glum,…
But love is not worth all the bother.
I prefer conversation to sex
And I far prefer money to cheques.
We all have our view
On what we should do.
I even prefer real life to texts
I have to iron my husband tonight.I have to feed the pig as well.
I
I am washing the cat’s hair plus the other 9 cats all; need hair conditioner washing out before bed.
The television needs a new licence and so does my husband
The dog’s grave needs weeding and who am I to deny it?
I am dead now.Please phone in 3 days or so. then call Dad.
I rue the day I set eyes on your face.I should have used aspic jelly
i only answer the phone on Wednesdiays
i don’t talke cold calls
The bank manger is here
The washing machine is broken and I need money urgently.Send a cheque
By a strange chance or error I found myself on the Telegraph website fashion page.They were recommending some expensive sandals.I shall tell you how to make them yourself.
1.Take a pair of old shoes with leather soles and separate the upper and the sole.
2.Glue a piece of string 3 inches long. to the centre back of the heel.
3,You need 2 rolls of elastoplast ,one an inch wide and one 3 inches wide
4.Put your foot on the sole and pull the string up the back of your heel.Fasten it to your leg by using a piece of the wide elastoplast.
5.Fasten the front part of the sole to your foot using narrow elastoplast.
You now have a sandal almost identical to the one being offered as suitable for this summer for the woman who needs the latest fashion.
My advice is once you have made 2 of these and stuck them to your feet that you can leave them there until the elastoplast wears out.Do not take them off in bed or in the shower.That might mean you can’t wash your feet but it’s nearly autumn now so the rain might keep you clean.On the other hand it might loosen the elastoplast and you’d be left with two soles and no heart.Then what would you do?
And they call us liberated!
Down by the House of Commons
My love and I did roam
We were looking for a Monet
To decorate our home
Down by the Palace Gardens
We went a-walking next
As we believed that in that green
It was good to have sex.
We were caught by the police!
My wife was quite displeased.
“Oh,can we plead not guilty ,sir.
We don’t know where we are!”
Down in the court of magistrates
We were accused of sin.
We stood there in the dock
And hoped that we would win
I thought sin was not a crime!
We crossed that narrow line
But in this country there’s a link
Sin and crime are synched!
We asked to go to Westminster
To confess to a Catholic priest.
We could just take a penance
From him or the police
But the judge was feeling lazy
He sentenced us to death.
And we are going to die because
We wandered from the path.
If you want to get a Monet,
Buy a print from Amazon.
And if you want to make sweet love
Don’t go where we have gone.
For safety lies at home
On a mattress of pure foam
Sheets of cotton newly washed
Like wheat we are all thrashed
No sound was sharper than her voice
No lullabies would cross her cold drawn lips.
He’d like to fly away to hotels choice
To escape the barrage of her clever quips.
Why did Jesus feed the five thousand?
To prevent them eating his lawn and his tomatoes
Why did Jesus like fishing?
He often caught a compliment.
Why did he cross the road?
The road was flatter on the other side.
Was Jesus an Athlete?
No,he was a Jew.
Was he not Mormom?
Called Norman!
Was Jesus very strong?
About the same as best whiskey.
Why do Catholics eat his body?
Because they hate making breakfast.
Does God care if we don’t go to Church?
What’s a Church?
Why does God help those who help themselves?
Because many hands make light work
So God has hands?
In a very meaningful sense.
Why did Jesus ride on a donkey into Jerusalem?
He just missed the bus and they only ran twice an hour
When my husband was in what a doctor called “An end of life situation” they managed to keep him away from the hospital until 17 hours before he died.And those hours,after various treatment failed,were spent in a cubicle in part of A&E.He had a very peaceful death but it was overcrowded in the tiny cubicle so that I could only just get beside him to hold his hand.
Even though he was given space in this unit he was never given an actual room which used to happen to the dying nor was he put into a Ward.As it happens the staff were marvellous.But it meant their figures would look better as the Government want them to keep the elderly out of hospital wards.
As I carried his ashes home in my shopping bag last week I wondered why he’d been put for 5 days into a Rehabilitation Unit when he clearly in this “End of life” stage.The only person who could have rehabilitated him was God and he didn’t oblige.So be wary if your elderlt=y relative is being offered a place there,They are unsuitable for people with medical problems and like the one here they have no doctor on the premises.So when my husband got worse they had to use the out of hours doctor service and then ring 999 for an ambulance.It is a GP ;ed Unit whatever that means.
They said they thought this unit was nicer than a hospital ward.Well,I would not wish to go into it and if I reach that point I’ll take cab to Beachy Head and fly.
A friend told me that about 3 weeks after my husband died I would get men coming to the door asking if I wanted to sleep with them.So far I’ve only had
1.A pizza deliverer who rang the wrong bell
2.A Thames water engineer to give me a new head for the shower and to quizz me on my use of water.
3.An Amazon delivery of a Japanese maple tree.
4 A letter telling me that my husband owes them one week of his pension since he died at 2.30 pm on the day it was paid.Well,they can go to Hell… maybe they’ll get it there!
5.A woman trying to convert me to be a Mormon.I said I was already a Catholic but they don’t mind.So then I said I am an agnostic so she asked me how to spell it.Then I passed out and when I came round a man was staring at me.He was a paramedic from down the road.
6.A man collecting money for lepers… not very convincing.
Anyway,why would I want to make love with a complete stranger when I can do it with someone I adore.,… namely,myself!It’s less dangerous too and less immoral as you are not leadinf a man into sin are you? Or a woman either.Can you lead yourself into sin,I wonder,Ask a Jesuit.. they usually know all the answers.I know men can’t spill their seeds according to the Bible but can we women lay our eggs at random?
I was going to take my husband a roast dinner today ,but I forgot to put his dentures in the coffin.. so I shall have to have them cremated.There goes another £758 and I am damned if I have to pay for another Service.
The doctor said I need to let my feelings out so I am going to Epping Forest in the hope they will get lost and I can come home without them.
They say it’s natural to grieve.It’s also natural to eat dogs in China,And it’s natural for so called civilised countries to torture suspects
When I cry men cross the road to offer me their handkerchiefs.So far I’ve got 50.Isn’t it great not to have to buy tissues any more?
To save money I am burying my credit card under a tree with my husband’s ashes.Then he will know I being thrifty just like he always told me, even though it’s 30 years too late.
The dermatologist told me,you will smell human flesh burning.I wish I’d told him I am a vegetarian but my face was numb from the 21 injections they gave me.Maybe we should pay surgeons more more or let them eat cake.
I invited our GP to the funeral but he said for that to happen we’d have to hold it in the surgery
Funerals are so expensive I’ve decided to bury myself at sea.
Photo courtesy of Mike Flemming,Copyright 2015
How like a bird’s nest is my unmade bed
As twigs and feathers from my feet did fall.
I ought to take my shoes off, but instead
I leave them on or hurl them at the wall.
As for a lady’s nightgown I do lack,
And wear old vests my dear husband once loved.
For ladies’ garments often have no back.
And fit too tightly, like a rubber glove.
For pain and torment some will undergo,
To gain attention from a handsome man .
Yet love is like a fearsome heavy blow
Survive it like an act of God unplanned.
So take life lightly though you are enchained
As it is short and everything remains
My doctor thinks I am too fat
and advocates eating the cat
food from a tin
Or even the bin
what do all you old folk think of that?
Personally I do not mind
As cooking real food is a bind.
But visitors might
So keep the tins out of sight.
For cruelty’s very unkind/
Indeed sin is an offence to our race.
surely all humans can face
That harming and killing
Those who are unwilling
to recognise us has no case.
It’s a long time since God’s word had effect
The golden rule.oh,what the heck.
Selfishness pays
And nobody prays.
Nor do we pay our respects.
In the end we shall all be in hell
And God will send us the bill.
As the electricity’s dear
And so are our tears.
Yet we still fire our weapons and kill
Belated thanks, long overdue,
Are flying from me straight to you.
So take heart and stand
but not on my hand.
Nor on Alfred who if startled goes “Mioaw”
You see Alfred is a very hot cat
He hates to sit down on my mat.
He likes my warm lap
And wears a small cap
To show he’s real holy,howzat?
Did You Know?
Long ago, there was a verb belate, which meant “to make late.” From the beginning, belate tended to mostly turn up in the form of its past participle belated. Eventually, belate itself fell out of use, leaving behind belated as an adjective that preserved the original notion of delay. As you may have guessed, belate and its descendant belated derive from the adjective late; belate was formed by simply combining the prefix be- (“to cause to be”) with late. Belated was also once used in the sense “overtaken by night,” as in “belated travelers seeking lodging for the night.” This sense was in fact the first meaning of the adjective but it too fell out of use.
I tried to inculcate a love of words
and mathematics up to graphs and surds.
But pussy was not keen on that
in fact, I think he smelled a rat
And now he’s run away to watch the birds.
I tried to teach him how to eat in style
And clean his teeth and give up habits vile.
But he would not cooperate
His yowling got me in a state.
So now at last I’ve run at least a mile
Intergossips a curious word
Two parts Middle English,I read;.
Inter is between,
Is it Latin, I mean?
Intergossip’s a hybrid in thirds.
Gossip comes from God and sib in Middle English and used to mean a godparent.It did not then have a negative meaning.
Now the gossip in our little town
Makes one’s hair change from white into brown
For we gossip with love,
As in heaven above.
Soon we’ll gain fame and renown.
Now it don’t clean the floors
And won’t evermore.
Thus I domesticity flout.
I found coats and bags by the score.
but I cannnot go out any more.
So what shall I do
With the superfluous new?
I hate storing ghosts on the floor
I took all the dirt and perceived
That red rugs are an evil indeed.
So buy one in grey
It’s the in thing today.
And the visitors will be deceived
Well flung…. refers to getting rid of an unwanted boyfriend.
Bell tongued…a talking doorchime.
Hell’s briefs………… tight underpants for men.
Illegal termagent… a woman who swears at men without a licence.
Asylum leaker….a broken window in a psychiatric unit.
Bone the nose…..how to cook unusual parts of animals which are
normally thrown out.
Selected butts…. men with small buttocks which women like.
Rinsed beef…laundered cows!
Raise the cord…. open a train window.
Jesus wants me to derange you…….. song of an evangelical Christian who has drunk too much cider
A wet curse…. when they spit on you too.
A nightmarish fuse … your lover’s lights go out too soon
All I know is that diaphragms are a form of birth control.
I am puzzled by that because we all have diaphragms, yet some of us have no control of any kind.
If your diaphragm doesn’t move you can’t breathe so you can’t procreate.
No,you’d be dead!
A very strange form of birth control.
Maybe you can just faint and then your husband can have his way with you.
But would you want sex with someone unconscious?
It’s another case of a-symmetry.. a man can have relations with a faint woman but if the man faints that’s the end of it.
How disappointing.
I suppose you might use a carrot instead.
Well,it would be a form of birth control.
And girth control.
How come?
Sex is exercise,isn’t it?
Being alive is exercise!
Keep moving in any way you can,.however irregular.
Regular is better…
But anything goes today.
Even carrots.
Control..you love to lose it.
Occasionally, some of your readers may see a meat pie here.
Cyborgs R Us.
Clothes for the Cy.
Top Hats for Cyjews
Cy’s metal horseshoes.
Clotted memes.
Epsilon Beaux’s Arts.
Pre-trained shoes.
Knickers and Knockers
Devices 4 All.
Dutch letters.
Love for the Shy Cy.
Waiting room only.No exit.
Hell’s Incisors: please walk in.
Adult potties.
Excitement for Dummies etc
It’s as flawed as it’s wrong.
That lady’s not stopped burning.
Bloody queen in the dairy!
I may be a woman but I am the tart of a man.
King Alfred burned his mistakes.
William The Bonker,erh!
Ethel fed the unsteady readily.
Daniel ate the spiles in the paws of a lion.
Ariel is the lion of whodunnits.
Judas was the nigger in the wood pile.in a very real non -pc sense
St Joan was killed by the jingles.
Queen Victoria gave worth to many hairs.
King George enjoyed spouts of madness
King Edward like a whore to study Greek and Hebrew and recite the ten Amens before rowing the bed out of the Windows 8.1 configurated laptop
Jesus likes my behaviour.
St Paul wrote with a pistol
St John was a man of one Word.
James and John love the Magic round about
The postman was very late coming that morning.Stan was asleep in his armchair whilst Annie was analysing some data on the political alignments of the over fifties group in Knittingham.Mary was upstairs daydreaming.
Hi. Mary…Annie called.There’s a letter for you from the hospital.
Mary came down, her face a little pale with anxiety.She opened it slowly.Inside it had the following announcement
Your appointment on 5th October at 3 am with Dr Paramour has been cancelled..
We can offer you he following appointment:
5th October 2014 at 3 am in the usual clinic
This will be with Dr Paramour unless he goes on holiday again.He will remove your tumour and your humor as well.
Stan read the letter.
Why have they sent this? he asked bemusedly as he blinked with his nice blue eyes.
Mary phoned the hospital.She spoke to a charming young man.
What does it mean? she enquired.Why give such a silly letter out.
It means nothing,the man said,It’s the computer.
Computers follow programmes.We’ve had this type of stupid letter many times in the last 6 months….it’s using paper and postage apart from the worry.Why can’t someone alter the programme?
I don’t know,the pleasant man replied.I think nobody understands it.
Don’t they realise that keeping patients calm and trusting is part of the healing process?
No,they don’t he answered despondently.We have to answer the phone all day long.So we can hear how upset some people are.
Stan called out,it’s in the government too.They wasted millions on a new system which was scrapped before it was ever used…
Where are all the intelligent people?
That’s what I have been wondering,thought Emile as he hid behind Annie’s new green handbag hoping a field mouse might come by
I am sure if I planned the the computer programmes I could fix this,said Mary.But I will never be given a job now.I don’t think I’d want it now with my eyesight.
Well,Mary,you are still very beautiful,said Stan.I think I want to go to bed with you.
Stan, how can you say it in front of Annie?
Well,she can come as well if she likes,he replied tactfully.
And what about Emile?
Oh, alright then.We’ll all go to bed even he … we need a life changing experience.And I do not mean another daft letter from that blooming hospital,The Royal Wee.
We could paper the walls with them.
I would not enjoy seeing the walls like that,said Annie.
I am just making a point… that they waste so much money…. and time answering the phone to correct their errors………. it’s like Alice in Sunderland.
I never knew she was a Geordy, mioawed Emile…
I just like to think of her that way,answered Stan.
Anyway,upstairs and off with your clothes… we must make love before we die even if it kills us or we have to go to A and E with angina,migraine,a broken rib or other unmentionable discomforts.
And being obedient they all want upstairs,got undressed and fell asleep side by side in Stan’s large soft bed… except for Emile.
I thought they were going to have a love in,he thought.Perhaps when they waken up,who knows?
Maybe the NHS are trying to make people mad so they will pay for private treatment….
Mary was dreaming she was back at Oxford teaching analysis to a group of frightened first year students…what a pity they are so nervous,she thought.They’s do better working in a garden centre or a zoo…
Here we go round the jumbly crush
The big ship wailed through the bally,bally woe.
He stuck in his bum.
Little knack born here.
Twittering heights.
Jane Heard.
Middlerun.
Great exasperations.
Oliver whizzed.
Hard Rhymes
Martin puzzled wits.
Do you want to eye ball?
Nuts in May,crackers by Xmas.
Far from the saddening crowds.
King Beer.
The clean dirt of Hardy.
A midsummer night’s theme
The themes of the quantitive.
Come now and love me one more time.
She fell out with his arms
Some enchanted weaving
Scarlet hip bones
God didn’t make those little green nipples
If I live to be a blunder
The green,green Mass of Rome
Hail spurious quaint hat trick
Evening prayers said after acid trips Vicar into air balloon
There is a sentence often spoke
In jest or repartee:
“See how the cookie crumbles,mate.
Why don’t you have more tea?”
But my cookies don’t crumble
They bend in multi-ways.
Why here are some I made for you
Only yesterday.
You want to know why cookies bend?
Well,mine are made from rubber.
They look impressive on the plate…
As good as any other.
But when you pick one up to start
And press it in your hands
It does not crumble,but just falls
Into a thousand rubber bands.
The guests suffer embarrassment
As they gaze down in dismay.
But the children and the dogs and cats
are happy as they play.
I gave my lover,one cookie
I gave him three or four
But he was never satisfied
Until I gave him more.
Then when I met him later on
He seemed to be in pain…
And claims his doctor told him off
For eating food again.
So now I’m having lessons
In how to bake real fakes.
It’s called the Oxymoron Class
And you should see our cakes.
I made one,I made two,
I made fifty four.
But now the freezer’s full right up
So I can’t make no more.
I want some crumbly cookies,
But mother doesn’t know.
She has gone to heaven…
Oh,how I miss her dough!
I dreamed I rowed in a large pea green boat
Accompanied by seventeen cats.
And across the Great Lake,without a mistake
I saw mountains of gentleman’s hats.
I was making no waves in my effort to move,
The cats were discoursing on geometry.
I looked in the mirror fixed onto my boat,
The moon spoke entrancing Theology.
“I wonder who’ll help me”I thought to myself,
When I saw an entire spectrum of men–
Dirac, Archimedes,Niels Bohr, with their theories.
I got my great inspiration just then.
I need seventeen physicists,that’s one for each cat,
All tied to my boat with a chain.
The force they exert will just compensate
For the magnetic attraction of rain.
Paul Dirac came up, and I looked into his eyes,
They were full of anxiety and pain.
“I am sorry I am unable do what you wish,
But my father never taught me to swim.”
“That is perfectly alright”,I politely replied,
“You can walk on the water instead”
So that’s how my boat and its cargo of cats
Were accompanied back to my bed.
When I awoke the next day,I was filled with dismay.
I saw that Paul Dirac was gone,
With the cats and the boat,of which I just wrote
And I was now completely alone.
I took a quick look,in my old physics book
And there was a photo of Dirac
I stared at his eyes,and I am not telling lies,
He threw me a very strange look.
I caught this strange look,it’s here in my book.
I am saving it for a special event.
When I gather more Data on Relative Quanta,
I’ll understand just what Dirac meant.
He said,iamb not myself today
You seemed unaware,
The anapest will soon come in
You seem not to care.
The trochee sang
The dactyls rang
Fry gave them a glare.
For spondee-licious he was not
Neither here nor there;
He said again,iamb he you seek
Here and everywhere.
A pyrrhic victory for rules
Slang for souls with flair.
Iamb,iamb,iamb,iamb
Ic pentameters dare
How my heart sings 