Tag: humor

My dear doctor

Image

I wrote this as a protest against the fashion in medical circles of making everything either a disease or the precurser to a disease.I have not included mental health here but I think it’s used there as well.If you are happy you are pre-mad or pre-neurotic.If calm you are pre-panicking or pre-stressed.
If beautiful you are pre-aged

I went to the doctor.He said I’d pre-flu..
I said “My dear doctor what shall I do?”
Next time I went, he said “It’s pre- shock.”
And then I had pre measles,pre mumps and pre-pox
I ran to the doctor,he said ” You’re pre-well”
I said “Are you sure it’s not just a pre-quel?”
Next time I turned up,he’d gone out for a walk
It’s hard for a doctor who wants to pre-talk.
I went to the optician, who said I’m pre-blind
I thanked him for being so intensely unkind.
I went back to the doctor,and these words I said
“I’m pre -blind, pre-deaf,pre-ill and pre-dead!

Mary finds that she is sardonic

Mary was feeling very unwell when the phone rang. It was a former colleague of hers who asked her how she was. But she didn’t want to tell anyone she was ill with covid-19

Oh I am grieving for my sister, Mary told her untruthfully but firmly.

You  have never mentioned your sister before.Were you close to her?

Oh no. I wasn’t close to her I just like grieving for people that I’m not close to, don’t you?

Mary I think you are being sardonic. I’ve never heard you speak like that before. What has come over you?

Am I really being sardonicJust think that you can be sardonic without even knowing it.

I don’t believe you Mary You know what it is I am sure you do.

Well you can know something and practice it without necessarily knowing the name or knowing that there is a name for it

Suddenly she realized that everything that has a name now must have been experienced by human beings before the name was given to it and it was they who had invented a name for it

We don’t know what it will be in another language like Italian or German either

Annie came running in lb into the kitchen wearing some green trousers and a purple top. She had no makeup on at all which is very unusual for this dear lady.What was wrong with her? Could you be about to change gender?

Mary are you feeling better? Who are you talking to? Anything exciting?

Oh it’s Leonora do you remember her? She used to teach in Huddersfield polytechnic where I took a course in algebraic mythology.

Don’t be ridiculous if you wanted to learn algebraic mythology you would have gone to East Barnet University. How Annie got this idea is a mystery since she is a very uneducated and thoughtless person but who knows? Some people become more intelligent as they get older especially if they wear a lot of makeup filled with dangerous chemicals.

Well never mind I can’t remember where I met her but she is very clever and she’s just come back to this country from Australia

Well she must be  short of company if she’s phoning you now after 20 or 30 years of absence. Was she in fact a colleague of yours?

How can you say something so rude to me? I am stunned

Oh I’m sorry Mary. I am feeling  depressed at the moment and sometimes that can make me cruel.

I forgive you  because I’ve known you for many years al. I know chronic pain can make people behave badly as well in fact there’s a higher risk of suicide for  those people. But in the current political climate we’re all at a higher risk of suicide or murder.

Why are you feeling so depressed, do you know? Of course that is the thing we often don’t know why we are depressed and that is what is so horrible about it because we don’t know what to do.

Is it just a chemical reaction that’s gone wrong in the brain or is it some indication that we are locking for a deep meaning to our lives or maybe we just hate the society we’re living in especially the newspapers.

I’m not sure perhaps it’s the spring sunshine that can bring on seasonal ineffective disorder.

Well I will say goodbye to Leonora and I will make you a lovely cup of tea in the kitchen with Emile. He will be thrilled to see you with your purple lipstick and your green eye shadow which had mysteriously appeared by themselves on Annie’s face. Free at the point of contact just like the nhs

Mary I’m so fortunate to have you as my friend.

Some people would never speak to me again if I was rude to them

Well we should never jump to conclusions especially . And this is a very minor offense that you have committed compared to what politicians do every day but even our politicians here are nothing like so bad as Ronald Stump

According to the Times readers we have to become resilient and not let things affect us but unfortunately they don’t say how.

Well we can talk about that while we have our tea

I’d rather talk about fashion really I believe yellow is the color for this year

Oh for God’s sake Emile cried. I hate the colour yellow except on flowers and the sun but I do not like women wearing yellow clothing.

Emil you are just a cat but you are very wise so we will talk about something else altogether namely what we shall have for our supper.

I’d like sardines on toast,the cat purred

Then I will do the washing up for you

I want to wash my fur tonight

Your wish is my command Mary cried

Thus it did transpire

What the two women ate is a total mystery

Send your ideas on a postcard. You might win 10 pounds for the the best suggestion on the other hand you may not win anything at all because I’m too tired to think about it

About Emile

Oh,Emile got up, then he yawned stretched
Cat pandiculation
For cats get stiff and cats get tense
They won’t write no dissertations
Emile called to Stan and Stan got up
Pet manipulationion
Stan made tea and fed Emile
Emile’s ecstasisulation
Mary came and she saw old Stan
Oh, a manifestation?
Are you real,she , called to him
What impertinentication!|
I like your cheek, her husband cried
Show me your appreciation
Where is that, his dear wife said.
Is it under my aprion?
Well,Leonard Cohen did mentioned this
I’m damned by my own veneration
Oh,Stan get up and get us gin
This is pure excruciation
Calm down,Mary.I am back
This is a mere notification
I have got myself another man
What a pestification
Does he sleep by you in bed aT
There may be an evacuation
Don’t be rude, we thought you had gone
I’ll drown in my own perspiration
I feel such shame at seeing these men
It’s torment and it’s a tribulation
The doctor told me you were dead
Is it conspirification?
Send a code to my phone,send me ten
That will verify my restoration

Shells by the Dead Sea

Awlf portrait
Stan the aged yet sexy senior citizen was outside polishing the brass doorstep till it gleamed in the early sunshine leaking from a blue and orange sky.
“My goodness,these microfibre cloths are wonderful” he thought intrigued. Could I find a better word than wonderful?

.Mary was out taking a load of clothes to the Oxfam Shop.Suddenly he heard a loud cry.,then he felt a pair of hands fondling the top of his bald head and tugging on his beard.
“Eeh,no rest for the wicked,even at 81,” he screamed.He staggered to his feet and rubbed his nose with his knees.
“Just give me a hand” ,he said,”I’ll have to stretch my hamstrings.They tighten up so.”
“I’ll stretch them for you!” Annie whispered naughtily.Stan leant forward to touch his toes and she could not resist the temptation to give his bottom a hearty slap.
“For God’s sake,Annie” he shouted faintly.”Someone might see that.”
“Don’t worry,there’s no-one around at this time of the day” she tittered in her usual female manner..
“Oh,yes there is!”
It was Dave,the paramedic.He had been lying behind the wheelie bins,all three of them standing plaintively and unwanted in the tiny front garden.
“I’m an MI5 spy,and I’ve been reading your blog,Mr Brown.”We need you to answer a question”
“I’m not called Brown”,said Stan nerdishly.
“Refuses to accept reality,”Dave wrote in his little notepad with some blood he had taken from himself earlier,
“Jesus Christ!”, said Stan.”Now,now” said Dave,”that’s not your name.
“No my name is Tan,not Brown,you’ve been reading the wrong blog!” “Stan Tan!”
Dave appeared crestfallen,”Any chairs need mending today?”
“My what beautiful ears you have,sweetheart,” he said to Annie,
“They look like sea shells by the Dead Sea”
“Your eyes are like shallow pools in Lake Windermere during a summer thunderstorm.”Annie replied womanfully,sarcasm being alien to her nature.
“Are you still a transvestite?” she followed on incoherently yet logically.
“No,I had a mystical experience and now I’m a Zen Buddhist”
“How did that happen?” demanded Stan querulously.And can’t you be both?
“Well,I was knitting myself a Shetland lace sweater in pale blue mohair,and I suddenly had the feeling that everything was interwoven.
Going forward or backwards,sideways or straight ahead,it is all part of the warp and weft of life.
“mistakes don’t matter” he continued emotionally.
“Oh,yes,they do,”Annie said pouting her full lips,cherry pink by courtesy of L’oreal of Paris and New York,lip balm by Yves St Laurent,peach foundation by Lancome also of Paris,toning smokey grey mascara by Max Factor,handbag Annie’s own,deep burgundy 70 denier tights by M&S,Grey pointed ballet slippers by Bally of Switzerland.[also available in black,red and teal].Raspberry lingerie by ,strangely,M&S.
“As I was saying..,”
Dave dived back behind the wheelie bin.
Stan polished the brass and Annie disappeared in a patch of woodbine..
It was Mary’s famous and loud vocal imitation of a bicycle bell that had alerted them to her imminent return from the Oxfam shop.
“Don’t they make bike bells any more?” Dave boringly wondered as he carried on reading the new life of Emily Dickinson “A loaded gun.” He thought it was an army training manual,but,hey,mistakes don’t matter!Or do they?Read the next instalment yesterday at your local newsagent or here free of interest,hope or love.Any additions welcome.
All donations to Oxfam.

Stan and his ass

 

????????????

 

Stan was outside polishing both his balding his head and the brass doorstep.”My,these microfiber cloths are wonderful” he thought joyfully.Mary was out taking a large bag of unneeded clothes to the Oxfam Charity Shop.Thank God!,thought Stan…that wardrobe is going to burst one day and spray her clothes all over the room like …what? Not cannon balls,maybe like the ghosts of dead giant sized bats!

Suddenly he heard a loud cry and then he felt a pair of hands fondling the top of his bald head.

“Eeh,no rest for the wicked,even at 81,” he screamed.He staggered to his feet and rubbed his knees.

“Just give me a hand” ,he said,”I’ll have to stretch my hamstrings.They tighten up so.”

“I’ll stretch them for you!” Annie whispered roguishly.Stan leant forward to touch his toes and she could not resist the temptation to give his bottom a tender slap.

“For Pete‘s sake,Annie” he shouted turbulently.

“Someone might see that.”

“Don’t worry,there’s no-one around at this time of the day” she tittered.

“I can’t help it anyway.I just love your ass.That’s what women like.”

“Do you normally slap the things you love?” Stan enquired politely yet firmly….what next?

“And furthermore “ass” is an American expression.

“Well,I’ve always been fond of Americans,”she whispered naughtily.

Stan recalled that her son had borne a strong resemblance to Bill Clinton but refrained from mentioning this.Anway Annie had never been to Oxford,as far as he knew and Clinton was only there for a year…though a man could father many children in a year as the terms at Oxford were only eight weeks long… leaving 28 weeks vacation.

“What do you think of my ass?” she murmered humorously.

“I’d rather have a donkey.” he said childishly.

“I could ride on it into the town.”

“You are so horrible,Stan.You never pass any  jocular yet charming remarks about my body.”

“I never knew you lacked confidence in that department,” he said peevishly.

“Besides,you know I prefer to show my feelings non verbally!

With that he pretended to kick Annie on the butt with his Hotter laced up shoes.

“Now then,what’s going on here.You seem like a couple of teenagers!”

It was Dave,the paramedic.

He had been lying behind the wheelie bins,all three bins standing plaintively in the tiny front garden, where once fragrant red roses had bloomed in summer and scratched people with their thorns all the rest of the year.

“I’m an MI5 spy,and I’ve been reading your blog,Mr Brown.”

“I’m not called Brown”,said Stan proudly.

“Refuses to accept reality,”Dave wrote in his little notepad with some blood he had taken from himself earlier,

“Jesus Christ!”,said Stan.

“Now,now” said Dave,”that’s not your name,

“No my name is Tan,not Brown,you’ve been reading the wrong blog!”

“Stan Tan!”

Dave appeared crestfallen,

“Any chairs need mending today?”

“My what beautiful ears you have,sweetheart,”he said to Annie,

“They look like sea shells,”

“Your eyes are like shallow pools in Lake Windermere during a thunderstorm.”Annie replied womanfully.

“Are you still a transvestite?” she followed on incoherently.

“And how about my ass?”

“I never knew you had an ass.Is it in the back garden?

I had a mystical experience and now I’m a Zen Bhuddist”

“How did that happen?” demanded Stan querulously.

“Well,I was knitting myself a Shetland lace sweater in pale blue mohair,and I suddenly had the feeling that everything was interwoven.

Going forward or backwards,sideways or straight ahead,it is all part of the warp and weft of life.”

“Mistakes don’t matter” he continued wildly his eyes gleaming like the preacher’s at Hyde Park Corner

“Oh,yes,they do,”Annie said pouting her full lips,cherry pink by courtesy of L’Oreal of Paris and New York

“As I was saying..,”

“Dingle,dongle,dingle,dongle”…

Emile the cat ran out expectantly,knowing the sound of a human imitating a bicycle bell.He was already salivating expectantly.

Dave dived back behind the wheelie bins.

Stan polished the brass step and Annie disappeared in a puff of smoke.

It was Mary’s famous imitation of a bicycle bell that had alerted them all to her imminent return from the Oxfam shop,fortunately.

In fact Mary knew everything but didn’t want them to know she knew,for if she knew and they knew she knew,she knew it would make life too complex.she just knew it,for sure.I know she knew,though she doesn’t know that I knew.

 

“Don’t they make bike bells any more?” Dave boringly wondered as he carried on reading the new life of the poet Emily Dickinson named

“A loaded gun.”

He had thought it was an army training manual,but,hey,mistakes don’t matter!

Or do they?

Read the next instalment yesterday at your local newsagent,free at the point of service just like the NHS and watch your ass as you never know who else is watching it.Though as you will never know,this fact will never impinge on you.Though you may feel a kind of tingling sometimes…

You know it makes sense!Sometimes,at least.

 

I have had to imitate a bicycle bell all my life till now….I have real bell on my bike..how cool is that?

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A strange result in some research:Religious people were more likely to lie for financial gain

Angels i n church window...Mike Flemming

http://www.salon.com/2013/10/22/study_religious_more_likely_to_lie_for_financial_gain_partner/

I think it’s not so surprising amongst Christians because Jesus came to save sinners and so more sinners go to Church…They need salvation but it must take time!That’s why we have Confession/Or maybe people who go to Church are from lower social classes and so are short of cash?I always found rich people avoid tax and so on regardless of religion.

Maybe “trying “to be good is counterproductive!

I’m not sure about Jews….I knew a lot at work and they were all more than honest.Also they seem more intelligent…. after all they invented the alphabet writing,story telling,ethics,morals,poetry…..God!Why should they steal?

Now don’t blame me…read the research!

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Is A & E having worse problems because we are getting more stupid?

2012-01-22

It seems from today’s paper that A & E is overused because younger people want treatment immediately so they are unwilling to wait for their GP to open and never realise the pharmacist can treat simple conditions and are easier to talk to Do not go to A & E with the following complaints especially at night

Your false nails won’t come off

You broke a finger nail

You have a  cold.

Your hair roller has got stuck in your bushy hair.

You  have run out  of elastoplast or aspirins.

You feel bored.

You like that tea they sell in robotic machines.

Your toe nails are dirty and you lost the nail brush.

You   have no stamps and you need to post a letter

You want a pregnancy test.

You have no condoms at home.

You have lost your nail file or comb.

Your cat is ill and the vet is shut

You like eying up nurse.. remember a  lot are now men,anyway… so ladies…No!

You had a row with your wife and are trying to frighten her by pretending to have chest pains.

It’s a cheap day out [ but not for the NHS]

Remember it’s for EMERGENCIES

It costs  on average £1400 per person per visit

Annie breaks into Stan’s sacred space

Some old Greek writing
Some old Greek writing (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Stan was polishing the windows again with his  big microfibre cloth.The computer was on.As soon as he finished the sitting room windows he planned to look at a google document he was co-writing with hislfriend Annie, on the failings of the British Empire..She only lived next door but they both liked sharing new techniques of various kinds.
He sat down in front of his computer and looked at his email.
There was one from Annie.

“Hi Stan
I didn’t really want to keep some of those remarks you  wrote at the bottom of our document when we were both online,so I have deleted them.  We should have gone into chat mode.They were not related to the topic we were discussing so I know you won’t be mind.And if you ask again we can chat either online or in person about sex and people’s lives
With  my  love,dearest one ,Annie

??????????

Stan felt  furiously angry and cross.  How could she know if he minded or not?
He went dark red as if his head was bursting.What was so dreadful about his remarks?He had only asked Annie if her dead husband George might have been bisexual.Stan had once seen him kissing another man  in the bushes in the park.Annie didn’t seem bothered last night.She never gave the impression to  me she didn’t like it.Maybe she’s not quick enough to react
Anyway she should not have deleted it completely without asking me first.
He sat down on his old Habitat chair [recently mended free on the NHS by Dave the paramedic,] and he  sent her an email saying he was furious with her for attacking his freedom of speech.It was unethical.It .He must assert himself.He would show her!
So he was not going to work with her on any more documents ever again nor chat on IM or Google Chat. Of course he still loved her but his anger was too strong for him to ignore.

Cat alone
When Annie got the email she was completely stunned like a cow   ready to be e.She apologized to Stan immediately but he refused to accept it  ever  even though she begged piteously for forgiveness.
Why did he want to know if George was bisexual, she wondered.Was he saying it to try to turn himself on or me? Or is he just interested in  all  different kinds of sex   and human behavior generally ,like most people are ?But it was not concerned with the document which was about ill treatment of prisoners in India under the British Empire and relating it to other acts  of outrage by the British   Government elsewhere.
I wanted to talk about us,not poor dead George.Whatever George’s sex life,he’s dead now.So l we should leave him in peace.
Meantime.Stan was thinking about how women were always interfering in his life,correcting him and improving his grammar.Making him cups of tea when he wanted brandy and some HP sauce  with his lamb chops not salad
He liked talking about bisexuality.It made him feel a sense of wonder at the differing habits and desires of humans.Why couldn’t she just go along with it or at least say something then rather than deleting his words secretly when he was off-line?Though maybe mentioning George was insensitive even though George was dead.
He was a man .He was not going to let a woman ride over him like a steam roller. Annie must learn her place in the scheme of things.

6429586_72f5d1321d_m
Where is that,asked his beautiful tom cat Emile.
I’m not sure but it’s not above me.It’s either the same or lower.
Can’t you forgive her.She may be in another dimension,another space altogether,another universe of discourse?[He’d been reading  his Wittgenstein again]
Certainly not .No way.Stan answered,
But you love her,you said many times in here.I heard you
All the more reason to maintain some boundaries. Love is not the be all and end all of life for a man!
Next she’ll be cutting bits off me with her dressmaking shears,he cried in outrage and horror!
She’ll castrate me.She’ll turn me into a woman.

6819924_f1126074c2_m altered
She won’t,she’s just a daft  postmenopausal woman,said Emile.She wouldn’t ever harm you.she’s very gentle.you know that,don’t you?
She has invaded me,she has crossed my boundary.
Some people would be glad,mewed the cat.He was always hoping a lady cat would come by. and cross his boundaries or more correctly.he would  be allowed cross hers.
Meanwhile Annie was sitting sobbing  feverishly in her bedroom.She really enjoyed co-writing documents and news sheets with Stan.Now he won’t do it any more, she whispered . He was really mad with her.He must be feeling upset and aggravated beyond  all human endurance.She had assumed too much and now she was paying the price as she lay  on her purple duvet cover with two boxes of Kleenex for men.Even  finding  the Kleenex required for all her sobbing was too much for her.

Cracks in the pavement
She cried and sobbed loudly for a while.Her eyes were bright red and bloodshot. She was so  very sad she had unwittingly distressed dear  Stan.Life is so tough she thought reluctantly.I wish I were somewhere else……maybe in Heaven with George and his bisexual lovers  beside all playing harps or mouth organs  and whatever else the could find up there.
Still,there were those new neighbours who had just moved in across the road.Two brothers,both very handsome.I wonder if they like writing on the computer,she thought.That cheered her up a bit,though she was very fond of Stan.In fact she loved him greatly and had kissed him  many times though she had never actually gone to bed with him ;never known him in the biblical sense.Was that the problem?Too late now either way,she muttered quietly to her goldfish Wayne who agreed with her analysis of the situation .
So in her mind she was moving from loving and adoring Stan to being  loving  towards yet puzzled by him.Was he afraid of being dominated by a woman?What would he be like as a lover?

???????????????????
But why try to talk about bisexuality?Could he not have thought of something else?Like female  orgasms or kissing better?
There was a new book by Betty Dodson teaching  frozen women how to have orgasms.Would he have enjoyed discussing female anatomy and pleasuring her naked female body and all the rest.
Well,she would never know now.That was certain.Thank God I’ve found out what he’s like before things went any further.He might be a little too dominating.Though a certain amount is necessary for the  consummation of love.She was so upset her thoughts began to turn towards women.
Would it be better all round to love a woman instead?Especially as I could show her how to have an orgasm having being studying this book for some weeks?Though she may already know,I guess.Still,a change is as good as a rest, so  the proverb says.
How do I find a woman who’s into other woman, as it were, she thought.Can I find one on the internet?Will there be a club we can go to? How exciting!
So Annie grew more optimistic.A woman wouldn’t mind a few words deleted from a chat either.So a feeling of mild joy came over her and her sobbing died down.

??????????
Stan was sitting in his kitchen feeling superior and dominant.Except Annie had not come for coffee so it was hard being dominant all by himself.He began to feel depressed and morose.Should he change his mind?Would he lose his window of opportunity?
Why is life so trying.Why are women so manipulative, why do they all turn out fakes and bitches,he asked Emile.Why won’t they love me as I am?
It’s partly one’s own character,Emile replied.
Hearing this Stan lost his temper and threw  the kettle of boiling water at Emile.Luckily it missed but Emile stalked out and went off to the shed leaving Stan more alone than ever.
How hard life is Stan shouted. I feel like topping myself. I”ll jump off the roof. of the civic center.I’m going to ring the f*****g Samaritans.
Just then his wife Mary walked in.What’s up Stan?
Nothing dear.I just dropped a brick on my toe
Why have you got a brick in here,in the lounge?
I was playing with it.
With a brick?
Well,it has a certain cold masculinity,he replied assertively
Cold masculinity?. Shall I make some drinks? Mary asked tenderly
Yes,please,dear,very kind
Oh,look there’s Annie walking past arm in arm with a woman.
I knew George was bisexual but now I see she is also or maybe she’s turned quite gay!Were they both gay?
Well,it’s not our business,said Mary quietly.
Aha,thought Stan.That’s what you think.If only you could see inside my mind!Inside his mind though ,he was wondering if Annie would ever see him again.But I will not forgive her,I won’t.I won’t!
What he might have said more truthfully was “Can’t”
For indeed,it is hard to forgive people for trampling into one’s sacred space even if it is an accident or misjudgment not a deliberate attempt to dominate.but …….
Life is sweet and yet very hard too for all of us but forgiveness helps

Kleenex logo
Kleenex logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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She ain’t won no prizes yet

           There was a letter in Writing magazine,
As it happens it ‘s an issue I’ve already seen.
One,asked if it is true that poetry with rhymes
Is not the fashion in our times.

Stan’s mind starts to wander

 IMG_0025

  • Stan put on his hat and went down the spring green garden where a blackbird trilled.The sunlight was very strong,almost glaring in intensity.That’s an interesting word,more commonly used to describe the angry expression on the face of an adult who believed he is a position of power,he thought.
    It pains most people to be glared at, he reminded himself.
    Stan’s wife Mary had a habit of humming or even singing as she went about her day at work or home.Usually sshe didn’t realise!
    He recalled the day she came home from her Art Class to amuse him with a tale of a very wealthy and dominating lady who had suddenly glared at Maru and shrieked,
    Is there something wrong with you?
    Mary said,
    Yes, there is actually. but I don’t usually talk about it except with the doctors.
    Why not ? shrieked the woman nastily in her dominatrix style
    Well,I thought it might upset folk to hear I am terminally ill but in your case I’ll make an exception.
    Well,I don’t give a f*ck, you are annoying, me was the reply that she received.
    Even if you are dying right now that is no excuse for humming in the class.
    Well,said the teacher,I always thought you were a very superior person,Nancy,but now I hear you insulting my newest pupil in public I believe I was mistaken.
    Oh,Mary had told Stan, it seems that humming” Neasden” in the class, albeit unconsciously. is far worse than to be seriously ill.
    There is no sense of proportion now…surely anyone can see there is no comparison though I prefer hearing the Trout Quintet,myself,he had told her
    Fortunately Mary’s illness had been completely cured by a new drug and she was able to continue her Art and riding her bicycle.Nancy was too proud to apologise but after hearing Mary was going to recover completely she had offered her  a quarter of a broken chocolate biscuit at coffee time.
    You are too thin, she admonished Mary,but I have come to like your humming and am even thinking of trying it myself.How do you do it?
    I can’t say,Mary answered,it just happens.
    I see,said Nancy.Perhaps I’ll go to a singing teacher.
    I hope she does instead of coming here,Mary thought as she still glares at me wherever I sit.She’s a bit like those pictures of Saints whose eyes seem to be on you and follow you wherever you sit in the room  in a judgmental way.
    Stan’s mind was wandering as he gazed over his fence.He remembered when he first met Mary when her bicycle had been stolen from outside a Public Library and he had helped her to look for it.In fact it was he who had stolen it in order to have an excuse to speak to her.How singularly blue her eyes were when she smiled graciously at any man nearby.As her conscious mind was on a branch of mathematics it left her unconscious free to seek what it desired free of all constraints thus causing mayhem until June when term ended and only the ancient postgraduates were left in the deserted city free to play with non-linear diffferential equations all day blong

Elegance lies bare

Apple tree and sunshine

In summer time when sun do shine

I’m happy on my own

I gaze up through red maple leaves

All transparent in the sun.

But when winter comes I’m lonely

Sitting here beside my fire.

So I want a  winter lover

To keep my spirits higher.

Oh,my winter love come to me

And I’ll gaze deep into your eyes

The light that shines in there

Is so much warmer than my fire.

We’ll go through wintry woodlands,

Where elegance lies bare.

The branches struck by sun

Now feel the frosty grasp of air.

I’ll love you all the winter time.

I’ll love you  in the dark.

I’d like to rest within your arms,

And have a peaceful talk

When summer comes I’ll disappear

To roam across the dales

I’ll sleep on heather moorlands

And send you loving mail.

I can’t be tied in summertime

I must be roaming free.

But ,if you accept this  need of mine,

To you I’ll faithful be.

Dr Poker

 sigmund-freud-pet-quotes-time-spent-with-cats-is-never
I once had a doctor called Poker

Who fancied his skill as a joker.
He teased all his patients
both the young and the ancient…
And his cat was labelled,Please stroke her.

It should have read,Please  do stroke me…
I’d like to sit up on your knee…
But I can’t tell  the doc
As it’s ten o’clock
So it’s time for my  next cup of tea.

My psyche is split into four
And in each part I love and adore
Alfred the cat
And his woollen mat..
I wish sincerely I had  got  twenty more..

Affect is display of feeling

If you never show affect you’re dead.

Your feelings have fearfully fled.

So smile or grimace.

You own your own face.

Except when asleep in your bed.

When you’re  fast asleep nobody knows

Whence your   free fantasy flows

But an observer might note

You spoke Serbo -Croat

If you  lectured on war while you dozed

A trillion thought trains

How many posts can any blogger write
Before they go raving mad?
How many posts can a blogger invent
Before they get far too sad?
The answer my friends
We’re all round the bend.
The answer’s we’re all round the bend

How many rhymes can a poet invent
Before they progress to free verse?’
How many rhymes can a poet invent
When the rhymes are getting worse and worse?
The answer is plain,
It’s a million quatrains
The answer’s a trillion thought trains

Bi or di? Biphthong and Diped?

Human bipeds have two sets of digits.

The hands and the feet can both fidget.

I used to tap on the table

Till a spirit was able

To come to my aid with a widget.

I was going through a hard adolescence…

Am I now approaching my  due senescence?

I irritated my Ma

So she shouted,you’re bizarre.

You’ve got OCD  built into your essence.

I asked if I had inherited it from her.

She gave me a furious stare.

She said,we all have our scruples

But yours have quadrupled.

I loved you but now I don’t care.

That seemed very immoral to me.

She gave me no warm sympathy.

So I scratched  my own skin

Which was in any case too thin…

But it helped to scare off a  stray flea.

If we’re neurotic it is not a crime.

We may  learn how to use it in time.

Though tapping on wood

Does one no good.

I  have found my salvation in rhyme.

Eclectic in limericks

Flowers in mall 2Eclectic’s a very fine word

I love it and even feel care.

It might rhyme with dialectic

Or maybe forensic

So here are two more we must air. .

coloured tree and sshadow

Eclectical students are rare

Because the tutors are rude and  unfair

They say, concentrate!

And I hesitate

Because my interests are wider than theirs.

Tree ghost

If you just want to get your degree

Then focus on what tutors agree.

But   leaving out   other  topics

Can make one myopic

And most of the world we won’t see.

Gambit:the rhymes

How can I find rhymes for gambit?

How can pentameters be iambic?

I am sure to discover

One way or another

But alas the Government has  banned it.

Iambic is as Greek to me,

As to the English is drinking hot tea.

We boil the kettle on the fire.

As we empathise with a liar.

Iambic  is schizophrenic you see

In my case I’m  not Bic  I am Shaeffer

I believe  pens drink ink on a wafer.

For ink is their Saviour

And improves their behaviour

If no plates passed,what the hell is that tray for?

Mimesis:the verses

A wonderful  new word is mimetic

Unsuitable for the mental diabetic

It makes one seem  scholastic

Without being monastic

In the right voice it may  sound charismatic.

Mimesis is  imitation of a kind

Which Plato and Aristotle defined.

My nieces  are fans

They writes theses when they can

So new words   swim around in their minds.

Do you promise to say mimesis tomorrow?

Or does the idea fill your  head up  with horror?

I agree it is hard

Write it down on a card

Mimesis,mimesis,no worries.

Well,mimesis has had it’s own day

Tomorrow I go out to play.

I will buy myself fruit

And  through the paper I’ll root.

As I roast in a single sun ray

Abstract:The limericks

Her manner is rather abstract

It  does not help her to show tact.

She’s in love with ideas

Yet her rents  in arrears.

Let’s hope that her ship is not wrecked.

young_lady_old_woman_illusion

i saw the abstract for your book.

I’d love a  much closer look.

I’ll invite you  to tea

Then I can see

Just  how discerning you look.

colored tree in sun

I suppose even Monet is abstract,

For his images with bright  dots are packed.

I love them so well

As they both show and tell

Precisely what realism   lackedFace with color 3

Flimflam,the limerick

Flimflam’s an under used word,

As most people think it’s absurd.

But it enriches our tongue

It sings its own song.

It’s the lightest word I’ve ever  heard.

But some people won’t say flimflam

Just ‘cos it rhymes with goddam.

So never say pluck,

Or you’re down on your luck.

Or  the saintly will send you to spam.

I must admit I am surprised

That flimflam in a  limerick’s disguised

My unconscious mind

Always manages to find

A rhyme for most   words  we’ve devised

A human being made from some old wood

I  fell over this morning  for no reason  while hoovering the  sitting room and then found a   dead rat under the stairs.What next?

Photo0766

I saw a doctor with a wooden leg

For his attention we now have to beg

The leg was oak

I had a poke

But he felt nothing, so he later said

Photo0770

Some humans look as if they ‘re  entirely  wood

I’d find it hard to  tempt one if I could

For wooden bodies don’ t feel joy

And wooden heads no fun employ.

So on the whole I feel that wood ain’t good.

Photo0781

A verse that seemed so free

6332981_f520

'Twas but a reptile passing by.
It flew across the deep blue sky
Why do reptiles fly so high?
I'll love you till I die.

"Twas but a cat under the moon.
Did you have a silver spoon?
Why can't cats all waul in tune?
I'll love you very soon

'Twas but a wooden legged man,
Carrying a large brass saucepan.
Why can't men do what women can?
I'll love you better than.

Why are adverbs?
What are nouns?
why do circuses have clowns?
I'll love you lying down.

Where do dreams go in the day?
What game can we adults play?
Can you or can you not say?
I'll love you,in my way.

'Twas but a verse that seemed so free.
It floated over my oak tree.
I have eyes but cannot see.
I'll love you when I be

What the…

I wonder what rhymes with paroxysm?

There may be some words with no rhyme in ’em

Leonard Cohen hated oranges

So he put  olive oil on  his bed hinges.

His lover  gave  him a good time in .em

He eluded to his passed with wit devine

He eluded to his passed with wit devine.

He traveled on and  passed the perish all.

And when reel  tired he often  wood recline

If not he went out for a bawl.

This spelling tests the most astyoote  of mindes

Yet Shakespeare never spelt the same whey twice.

As well it’s often felt to be unkinde.

For being obsessive is, in truth, a vise.

But used we r to different methods now.

Texting changed the whey we all now rite

And even if we  learn the rules ,I vow

Writing onto laptops   makes me byte.

No more attack the witless for your pleasure

For  we have many skills which you must treasure

As if on stalks

I’d like to have a sausage for my tea

I’d like a roast potato and some greens

You can share my portion for a fee.

Or bring along some tender runner beans.

I know my  home is modest but it’s mine

My headboard broke off during a cold night.

Of what despair may that  be a   dim sign?

My hope of mending  myself is very slight.

Still I’ll  make a date with you today

Shall we eat our meal with knives and forks?

Chopsticks are de trop,what do you say?

Your eyes are following me as if on stalks.

Some days I feel I should not rhyme  again.

But better that than dwell on  long dead men

He failed his interview?

Why did Jesus walk on water?

Because He had no shoes!

Why did Jesus drink wine?

Because it had turned into water.

Does God watch us all the time?

Only if we are paranoid.

Why did Jesus not wear grey flannel trousers?

Because he failed his interview at the Bank.

Why did Jesus carry a ladder?

So he could Ascend to heaven.

Why did Jesus have no credit cards?

He had enough already!

Why do eggs crack?

march-2012-063

Why did Jesus cross the road?

To look back with anger.

For what did Jesus  save us?

Because his  64 GB SD card was empty.

Why did Jesus curse that fig tree?

It stopped him seeing across the road.

Why did Jesus not  use a bus?

He said it was unfair to asses and donkeys.

Why did Noah leave the Ark?

Because the two animals had become twenty  two.

Did Noah read books?

No he just scrolled.

Why do roads have two sides?

Because they are flat.

What is an enigma?

Ah,if only I could explain it!

Why did ancient people believe in salvation?

Because they couldn’t cross  a palm.

Why did the Pope sell indulgencies?

Because there was a market.

When we say we repent,how do we know we mean it?

I’m stumped.?

If I go to Confession,will it be private?

As long as you don’t tweet it later.

May I receive Communion?

Don’t ask me.

Translated into melody and song

My faults are now the opposite of sin.

For I was taught that women  never swore.

Yet is this  but a private world I’m in,

Where women love and  men, at least ,adore?

No language Anglo-Saxon did we  hear

Ensuring we thought  not what “fuck” might mean.

Was it related to good luck yet  freer?

My mind throws up a lark in moorland  scene

The man who was my father greatly loved;

And  often sang us into sleep and dreams.

But sadly from this life he was removed.

Leaving   me accursed  wtrh blocked out screams .

Today I tell my tale in my  own tongue

Translated into melody and song

Annie’s new autumn outfit

Photo0324Annie was getting ready to go out with Stan to a Wedding.She wore her newest Autumn/Winter clothes.On her lower half she wore a full,long snakeskin print skirt over a fifties style stiff petticoat whilst on her top half she wore a deep ochre boat necked jumper.Underneath  her skirt a pair of chafe prevention shorts gave her extra warmth.She debated for a while about shoes and eventually decided her teal calf length boots from Hotters’ Sale with a pair of socks from Next would suffice,She looked in the mirror.Her freshly washed hair[ with a sulfate free shampoo ] sprang from her head not unlike one  of the Gorgons’ distant relatives.

shoppingPicking up her full length leopard skin coat from Jacques Vert and her red handbag she ran to the door where Stan stood.He wore a machine washable suit from Marks and Spencer with a blue flowered shirt and striped multicoloured tie from TieRack .His short hair was covered  by a woollen hat as they were going to a Jewish Wedding and he did not wish to offend anyone with his bald head.

How does my   new makeup look asked Annie?

I can’t see it at all,Stan said shyly.Do I need my reading glasses?

It’s what they call the natural look,she replied.I have got on continuously creamy foundation in light beige over  Clarins every day moisturiser and  tjeir sunblock Factor 50.

It is so expensive that I can’t eat meat fo a month.

My goodness, Stan moaned.What shade is that  lipstick?

It’s called Romantic Rose,she said .but it’s really more a light coral with a hint of red.

lipstck

As for my eye makeup,it’s the usual purple mascara and teal eyeshadow.

Do you think coral and purple go together? said Stan  querulously.

Never mind,she replied,I am more worried about my skirt.Is snakeskin a mistake at a Wedding ?

Oh,no,said Stan.It will remind people of Adam and Eve in Eden.And the snake is also a phallic symbol which seems good..I am just not sure about the leopardskin coat.

Don’t worry she replied I have got a plain dark brown coat in pure new wool here.Shall I wear that?

Stan sat down  on a folding chair to wait for her to finish powdering her complexion with MaxFactor Creme powder and topping her lipstick with a thin coat of some preservative so that if she kissed anyone the lipstick would not bleed into the fine lines around her mouth.

Suddenly Stan’s chair folded up and threw him to the ground.

Is it broken ,he asked nervously from the doormat..

No, it’s ok.I don’t want to ring 999 now.Let’s see how it is when we get back.

Right,said Stan.Let’s go before any more chairs collapse or any paramedics arrive.