Tag: funny

Mary finds that she is sardonic

Mary was feeling very unwell when the phone rang. It was a former colleague of hers who asked her how she was. But she didn’t want to tell anyone she was ill with covid-19

Oh I am grieving for my sister, Mary told her untruthfully but firmly.

You  have never mentioned your sister before.Were you close to her?

Oh no. I wasn’t close to her I just like grieving for people that I’m not close to, don’t you?

Mary I think you are being sardonic. I’ve never heard you speak like that before. What has come over you?

Am I really being sardonicJust think that you can be sardonic without even knowing it.

I don’t believe you Mary You know what it is I am sure you do.

Well you can know something and practice it without necessarily knowing the name or knowing that there is a name for it

Suddenly she realized that everything that has a name now must have been experienced by human beings before the name was given to it and it was they who had invented a name for it

We don’t know what it will be in another language like Italian or German either

Annie came running in lb into the kitchen wearing some green trousers and a purple top. She had no makeup on at all which is very unusual for this dear lady.What was wrong with her? Could you be about to change gender?

Mary are you feeling better? Who are you talking to? Anything exciting?

Oh it’s Leonora do you remember her? She used to teach in Huddersfield polytechnic where I took a course in algebraic mythology.

Don’t be ridiculous if you wanted to learn algebraic mythology you would have gone to East Barnet University. How Annie got this idea is a mystery since she is a very uneducated and thoughtless person but who knows? Some people become more intelligent as they get older especially if they wear a lot of makeup filled with dangerous chemicals.

Well never mind I can’t remember where I met her but she is very clever and she’s just come back to this country from Australia

Well she must be  short of company if she’s phoning you now after 20 or 30 years of absence. Was she in fact a colleague of yours?

How can you say something so rude to me? I am stunned

Oh I’m sorry Mary. I am feeling  depressed at the moment and sometimes that can make me cruel.

I forgive you  because I’ve known you for many years al. I know chronic pain can make people behave badly as well in fact there’s a higher risk of suicide for  those people. But in the current political climate we’re all at a higher risk of suicide or murder.

Why are you feeling so depressed, do you know? Of course that is the thing we often don’t know why we are depressed and that is what is so horrible about it because we don’t know what to do.

Is it just a chemical reaction that’s gone wrong in the brain or is it some indication that we are locking for a deep meaning to our lives or maybe we just hate the society we’re living in especially the newspapers.

I’m not sure perhaps it’s the spring sunshine that can bring on seasonal ineffective disorder.

Well I will say goodbye to Leonora and I will make you a lovely cup of tea in the kitchen with Emile. He will be thrilled to see you with your purple lipstick and your green eye shadow which had mysteriously appeared by themselves on Annie’s face. Free at the point of contact just like the nhs

Mary I’m so fortunate to have you as my friend.

Some people would never speak to me again if I was rude to them

Well we should never jump to conclusions especially . And this is a very minor offense that you have committed compared to what politicians do every day but even our politicians here are nothing like so bad as Ronald Stump

According to the Times readers we have to become resilient and not let things affect us but unfortunately they don’t say how.

Well we can talk about that while we have our tea

I’d rather talk about fashion really I believe yellow is the color for this year

Oh for God’s sake Emile cried. I hate the colour yellow except on flowers and the sun but I do not like women wearing yellow clothing.

Emil you are just a cat but you are very wise so we will talk about something else altogether namely what we shall have for our supper.

I’d like sardines on toast,the cat purred

Then I will do the washing up for you

I want to wash my fur tonight

Your wish is my command Mary cried

Thus it did transpire

What the two women ate is a total mystery

Send your ideas on a postcard. You might win 10 pounds for the the best suggestion on the other hand you may not win anything at all because I’m too tired to think about it

She combed her hair gently

Mary saw the bus was due in five minutes.She applied some sunscreen and combed her hair gently with a cake fork while she wondered why she was going out.She looked into her phone camera to get her hair in order
Alas, the familiar footsteps of Annie were heard on the patio.In she flew dressed in red and brown like a robin in winter except she wore pure wool and nit feathers
How do you like my outfit, she cried girlishly
Mary stared at her, noting the pale beige face makeup from Max Tucker and brick coloured lipstick from Wigan’s Makeup Outlet Store where Annie loved to browse for days on end.
I think the brick coloured lipstick does not go with the scarlet jacket,Annie.
Oh, don’t worry.It’s the in thing now to clash
That might be true but men won’t know it’s a fashion unless they read Vogue.Most don’t.
Never mind all that. I’ve brought Emile a new blanket
He’s not a dog,you know.Do cats need blankets?
If you drove it would protect the seat.
I might go round the bend.If we drive we almost certainly would meet bends
Do fish get the bends,mewed Emile?
We don’t know that.It only proves that a question can be asked in a human language but within that system there is no way of answering it,Mary told him quietly, thinking of Wittgenstein her husband’s former tutor.
First of all, fish probably can’t speak English or understand it.
How amazing, the little cat replied.How stupid can you get?
Well a fish would think you were stupid for not being able to live in the sea.
So true,Emile sighed.Shall I try?
Don’t be so ridiculous,Annie whispered.The sea in not near Knittingham. Mary can’t drive and you may drown.
Then St Peter will be reading out all your sins
Can cats commit sins, asked Emile with surprise
Yes, because you know you have a choice.You can bite my hand or resist the temptation
I don’t feel like biting it now so if I did it would not give me pleasure.
For God’s sake, stop arguing.Anyone would think you’d been to the Synagogue, today Mary shouted
But in a Synagogue men argue about the Torah not about cats swimming,Emile replied
But then it gets to be a habit,Mary finished.
Still many other people argue,Annie reminded her.
But God does not want it,Mary said
How do you know? He/She may love to hear it.It will provoke thought
And it may provoke a Flood or you being turned into a pillow of salt,Mary screamed
Pillar of Salt,Annie corrected her
Why do people not turn into pepper, the cat asked wisely.
There is no pepper in the Dead Sea, the women agreed.~And black pepper/white pepper could be PIC
They have red peppers in the Market.Annie mused.And yellow too
But where does that leave us?Where was Mary going to and why has she not left for the bus stop? Was it something wicked that she was trying to do in secret?
We’ll see tomorrow I expect

Am I you?

The phone rang and a voice said,
is that you?
I said, it’s me.
He said, who are you?
I said,I’ve not figured that out yet.
He said, are you pulling my leg?
I said, I can’t even see your leg!
He said, do you fancy eating owt tonight?
I said, eeh, you’re from Manchester!
But it was just a spelling mistake.
He was trying it on.
Whatever it is

The life of Moses after being encrypted

I’m afraid it does not come out properly so it’s not you it’s me. I will try and fix it later on

Moses was encrypted after Four-Eyes daughter found him in a basket.

So he was completely secure and emoted

down the river Tile then he actually rescued a bull from some Russians and proved to be a highly belligerent man if he was extremely holy so he said.

Later he married Cleopatra and had many children and they decided to seek the promised land. I don’t know where he heard is that but it’s a dream that we all have isn’t it to find the perfect place to live with the perfect spares or partner

At that time  they had no paper or ballpoint pens not even a fountain pens. They used to engrave things onto flat stones but it was very slow progress

Can you imagine students sitting an examination and they had to  engrave their answers on a stone or tablet? Or even if they had a Reed pen and had to paint there I think the mathematics would have been rather difficult but despite that they built a Temple in the time of Solomon

So the only map they had was on a flat stone which was rather heavy to carry about it and so they were lost  for 40 years in the Sign-pie desert. But it gives them plenty of time to increase their families although what they  food was no one really knows unless it was manna.

When they were in the promised land land god sent them a tablet with his 10 nrw rules of Life engraved on it.

It was so heavy that holy Moses memorised the rules and left the the tablet hidden in a burning bush on the side of the mountain

And it has never  been discovered. One day somebody will find it and I will share.

After that Moses people tried to write the Bible using a new invention papyrus. And a pen made from reeds so they  painted the words on. But that did not last as long as an engraving would 

Because of all the work that Moses had to do do he lived to be much older than we would ever be and this was true of the lot of the ancient patriarchs like Noah and Abraham

After that Moses’ people tried to write the Bible using a new invention papyrus. And a pen made from reeds so they  painted the words on. But that did not last as long as an engraving would. Printing had not really invented so they wrote on long throws of Paris and then they roll them up and tie them with thread and that is why the Old Testament as Christians call it was not a book in the conventional sense that we have nowadays.

Because it’s very slow for new things to be discovered like the printing press we should also live very slowly and not rush and try to finishv the life of Mosesthings quickly

Because of all the work that Moses had to do he lived to be much older than we would ever be and this was true of the lot of the ancient patriarchs like Noah and Abraham

Stan and his ass

 

????????????

 

Stan was outside polishing both his balding his head and the brass doorstep.”My,these microfiber cloths are wonderful” he thought joyfully.Mary was out taking a large bag of unneeded clothes to the Oxfam Charity Shop.Thank God!,thought Stan…that wardrobe is going to burst one day and spray her clothes all over the room like …what? Not cannon balls,maybe like the ghosts of dead giant sized bats!

Suddenly he heard a loud cry and then he felt a pair of hands fondling the top of his bald head.

“Eeh,no rest for the wicked,even at 81,” he screamed.He staggered to his feet and rubbed his knees.

“Just give me a hand” ,he said,”I’ll have to stretch my hamstrings.They tighten up so.”

“I’ll stretch them for you!” Annie whispered roguishly.Stan leant forward to touch his toes and she could not resist the temptation to give his bottom a tender slap.

“For Pete‘s sake,Annie” he shouted turbulently.

“Someone might see that.”

“Don’t worry,there’s no-one around at this time of the day” she tittered.

“I can’t help it anyway.I just love your ass.That’s what women like.”

“Do you normally slap the things you love?” Stan enquired politely yet firmly….what next?

“And furthermore “ass” is an American expression.

“Well,I’ve always been fond of Americans,”she whispered naughtily.

Stan recalled that her son had borne a strong resemblance to Bill Clinton but refrained from mentioning this.Anway Annie had never been to Oxford,as far as he knew and Clinton was only there for a year…though a man could father many children in a year as the terms at Oxford were only eight weeks long… leaving 28 weeks vacation.

“What do you think of my ass?” she murmered humorously.

“I’d rather have a donkey.” he said childishly.

“I could ride on it into the town.”

“You are so horrible,Stan.You never pass any  jocular yet charming remarks about my body.”

“I never knew you lacked confidence in that department,” he said peevishly.

“Besides,you know I prefer to show my feelings non verbally!

With that he pretended to kick Annie on the butt with his Hotter laced up shoes.

“Now then,what’s going on here.You seem like a couple of teenagers!”

It was Dave,the paramedic.

He had been lying behind the wheelie bins,all three bins standing plaintively in the tiny front garden, where once fragrant red roses had bloomed in summer and scratched people with their thorns all the rest of the year.

“I’m an MI5 spy,and I’ve been reading your blog,Mr Brown.”

“I’m not called Brown”,said Stan proudly.

“Refuses to accept reality,”Dave wrote in his little notepad with some blood he had taken from himself earlier,

“Jesus Christ!”,said Stan.

“Now,now” said Dave,”that’s not your name,

“No my name is Tan,not Brown,you’ve been reading the wrong blog!”

“Stan Tan!”

Dave appeared crestfallen,

“Any chairs need mending today?”

“My what beautiful ears you have,sweetheart,”he said to Annie,

“They look like sea shells,”

“Your eyes are like shallow pools in Lake Windermere during a thunderstorm.”Annie replied womanfully.

“Are you still a transvestite?” she followed on incoherently.

“And how about my ass?”

“I never knew you had an ass.Is it in the back garden?

I had a mystical experience and now I’m a Zen Bhuddist”

“How did that happen?” demanded Stan querulously.

“Well,I was knitting myself a Shetland lace sweater in pale blue mohair,and I suddenly had the feeling that everything was interwoven.

Going forward or backwards,sideways or straight ahead,it is all part of the warp and weft of life.”

“Mistakes don’t matter” he continued wildly his eyes gleaming like the preacher’s at Hyde Park Corner

“Oh,yes,they do,”Annie said pouting her full lips,cherry pink by courtesy of L’Oreal of Paris and New York

“As I was saying..,”

“Dingle,dongle,dingle,dongle”…

Emile the cat ran out expectantly,knowing the sound of a human imitating a bicycle bell.He was already salivating expectantly.

Dave dived back behind the wheelie bins.

Stan polished the brass step and Annie disappeared in a puff of smoke.

It was Mary’s famous imitation of a bicycle bell that had alerted them all to her imminent return from the Oxfam shop,fortunately.

In fact Mary knew everything but didn’t want them to know she knew,for if she knew and they knew she knew,she knew it would make life too complex.she just knew it,for sure.I know she knew,though she doesn’t know that I knew.

 

“Don’t they make bike bells any more?” Dave boringly wondered as he carried on reading the new life of the poet Emily Dickinson named

“A loaded gun.”

He had thought it was an army training manual,but,hey,mistakes don’t matter!

Or do they?

Read the next instalment yesterday at your local newsagent,free at the point of service just like the NHS and watch your ass as you never know who else is watching it.Though as you will never know,this fact will never impinge on you.Though you may feel a kind of tingling sometimes…

You know it makes sense!Sometimes,at least.

 

I have had to imitate a bicycle bell all my life till now….I have real bell on my bike..how cool is that?

Related articles

Annie breaks into Stan’s sacred space

Some old Greek writing
Some old Greek writing (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Stan was polishing the windows again with his  big microfibre cloth.The computer was on.As soon as he finished the sitting room windows he planned to look at a google document he was co-writing with hislfriend Annie, on the failings of the British Empire..She only lived next door but they both liked sharing new techniques of various kinds.
He sat down in front of his computer and looked at his email.
There was one from Annie.

“Hi Stan
I didn’t really want to keep some of those remarks you  wrote at the bottom of our document when we were both online,so I have deleted them.  We should have gone into chat mode.They were not related to the topic we were discussing so I know you won’t be mind.And if you ask again we can chat either online or in person about sex and people’s lives
With  my  love,dearest one ,Annie

??????????

Stan felt  furiously angry and cross.  How could she know if he minded or not?
He went dark red as if his head was bursting.What was so dreadful about his remarks?He had only asked Annie if her dead husband George might have been bisexual.Stan had once seen him kissing another man  in the bushes in the park.Annie didn’t seem bothered last night.She never gave the impression to  me she didn’t like it.Maybe she’s not quick enough to react
Anyway she should not have deleted it completely without asking me first.
He sat down on his old Habitat chair [recently mended free on the NHS by Dave the paramedic,] and he  sent her an email saying he was furious with her for attacking his freedom of speech.It was unethical.It .He must assert himself.He would show her!
So he was not going to work with her on any more documents ever again nor chat on IM or Google Chat. Of course he still loved her but his anger was too strong for him to ignore.

Cat alone
When Annie got the email she was completely stunned like a cow   ready to be e.She apologized to Stan immediately but he refused to accept it  ever  even though she begged piteously for forgiveness.
Why did he want to know if George was bisexual, she wondered.Was he saying it to try to turn himself on or me? Or is he just interested in  all  different kinds of sex   and human behavior generally ,like most people are ?But it was not concerned with the document which was about ill treatment of prisoners in India under the British Empire and relating it to other acts  of outrage by the British   Government elsewhere.
I wanted to talk about us,not poor dead George.Whatever George’s sex life,he’s dead now.So l we should leave him in peace.
Meantime.Stan was thinking about how women were always interfering in his life,correcting him and improving his grammar.Making him cups of tea when he wanted brandy and some HP sauce  with his lamb chops not salad
He liked talking about bisexuality.It made him feel a sense of wonder at the differing habits and desires of humans.Why couldn’t she just go along with it or at least say something then rather than deleting his words secretly when he was off-line?Though maybe mentioning George was insensitive even though George was dead.
He was a man .He was not going to let a woman ride over him like a steam roller. Annie must learn her place in the scheme of things.

6429586_72f5d1321d_m
Where is that,asked his beautiful tom cat Emile.
I’m not sure but it’s not above me.It’s either the same or lower.
Can’t you forgive her.She may be in another dimension,another space altogether,another universe of discourse?[He’d been reading  his Wittgenstein again]
Certainly not .No way.Stan answered,
But you love her,you said many times in here.I heard you
All the more reason to maintain some boundaries. Love is not the be all and end all of life for a man!
Next she’ll be cutting bits off me with her dressmaking shears,he cried in outrage and horror!
She’ll castrate me.She’ll turn me into a woman.

6819924_f1126074c2_m altered
She won’t,she’s just a daft  postmenopausal woman,said Emile.She wouldn’t ever harm you.she’s very gentle.you know that,don’t you?
She has invaded me,she has crossed my boundary.
Some people would be glad,mewed the cat.He was always hoping a lady cat would come by. and cross his boundaries or more correctly.he would  be allowed cross hers.
Meanwhile Annie was sitting sobbing  feverishly in her bedroom.She really enjoyed co-writing documents and news sheets with Stan.Now he won’t do it any more, she whispered . He was really mad with her.He must be feeling upset and aggravated beyond  all human endurance.She had assumed too much and now she was paying the price as she lay  on her purple duvet cover with two boxes of Kleenex for men.Even  finding  the Kleenex required for all her sobbing was too much for her.

Cracks in the pavement
She cried and sobbed loudly for a while.Her eyes were bright red and bloodshot. She was so  very sad she had unwittingly distressed dear  Stan.Life is so tough she thought reluctantly.I wish I were somewhere else……maybe in Heaven with George and his bisexual lovers  beside all playing harps or mouth organs  and whatever else the could find up there.
Still,there were those new neighbours who had just moved in across the road.Two brothers,both very handsome.I wonder if they like writing on the computer,she thought.That cheered her up a bit,though she was very fond of Stan.In fact she loved him greatly and had kissed him  many times though she had never actually gone to bed with him ;never known him in the biblical sense.Was that the problem?Too late now either way,she muttered quietly to her goldfish Wayne who agreed with her analysis of the situation .
So in her mind she was moving from loving and adoring Stan to being  loving  towards yet puzzled by him.Was he afraid of being dominated by a woman?What would he be like as a lover?

???????????????????
But why try to talk about bisexuality?Could he not have thought of something else?Like female  orgasms or kissing better?
There was a new book by Betty Dodson teaching  frozen women how to have orgasms.Would he have enjoyed discussing female anatomy and pleasuring her naked female body and all the rest.
Well,she would never know now.That was certain.Thank God I’ve found out what he’s like before things went any further.He might be a little too dominating.Though a certain amount is necessary for the  consummation of love.She was so upset her thoughts began to turn towards women.
Would it be better all round to love a woman instead?Especially as I could show her how to have an orgasm having being studying this book for some weeks?Though she may already know,I guess.Still,a change is as good as a rest, so  the proverb says.
How do I find a woman who’s into other woman, as it were, she thought.Can I find one on the internet?Will there be a club we can go to? How exciting!
So Annie grew more optimistic.A woman wouldn’t mind a few words deleted from a chat either.So a feeling of mild joy came over her and her sobbing died down.

??????????
Stan was sitting in his kitchen feeling superior and dominant.Except Annie had not come for coffee so it was hard being dominant all by himself.He began to feel depressed and morose.Should he change his mind?Would he lose his window of opportunity?
Why is life so trying.Why are women so manipulative, why do they all turn out fakes and bitches,he asked Emile.Why won’t they love me as I am?
It’s partly one’s own character,Emile replied.
Hearing this Stan lost his temper and threw  the kettle of boiling water at Emile.Luckily it missed but Emile stalked out and went off to the shed leaving Stan more alone than ever.
How hard life is Stan shouted. I feel like topping myself. I”ll jump off the roof. of the civic center.I’m going to ring the f*****g Samaritans.
Just then his wife Mary walked in.What’s up Stan?
Nothing dear.I just dropped a brick on my toe
Why have you got a brick in here,in the lounge?
I was playing with it.
With a brick?
Well,it has a certain cold masculinity,he replied assertively
Cold masculinity?. Shall I make some drinks? Mary asked tenderly
Yes,please,dear,very kind
Oh,look there’s Annie walking past arm in arm with a woman.
I knew George was bisexual but now I see she is also or maybe she’s turned quite gay!Were they both gay?
Well,it’s not our business,said Mary quietly.
Aha,thought Stan.That’s what you think.If only you could see inside my mind!Inside his mind though ,he was wondering if Annie would ever see him again.But I will not forgive her,I won’t.I won’t!
What he might have said more truthfully was “Can’t”
For indeed,it is hard to forgive people for trampling into one’s sacred space even if it is an accident or misjudgment not a deliberate attempt to dominate.but …….
Life is sweet and yet very hard too for all of us but forgiveness helps

Kleenex logo
Kleenex logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Related articles

As if on stalks

I’d like to have a sausage for my tea

I’d like a roast potato and some greens

You can share my portion for a fee.

Or bring along some tender runner beans.

I know my  home is modest but it’s mine

My headboard broke off during a cold night.

Of what despair may that  be a   dim sign?

My hope of mending  myself is very slight.

Still I’ll  make a date with you today

Shall we eat our meal with knives and forks?

Chopsticks are de trop,what do you say?

Your eyes are following me as if on stalks.

Some days I feel I should not rhyme  again.

But better that than dwell on  long dead men

I love my own image

KODAK Digital Still Camera

KODAK Digital Still Camera

I love to look into a mirror

My face glows with  bright yellow skincream

I love my own image

Even  time ravaged

I wonder when I’ll be made Queen.

I  bought some shapeware for fat women

As my  round  bits are  all falling down

Now my bum  protrubes off the cuff;

And  my  breasts  look like a stiff ruff

I bought chafeless  cycling shorts last week

And went for a ride in the woods.

The gynaecologist saw  my shorts

She  made sardonic remarks.

So my cheeks are all  reddened with blood.

She told  me that I’ve got anaemia

Yet my irony  level is high.

There are 400  different types

Pernicious sounds just  right.

I must go and tell my old Guy

My dead husband does not know nothing

He’s in the front room in a bag.

i had him cremated

Rght after we mated.

So now I’m a lonely old hag.

i could have got married to a doctor

And lived in a big detached house

Yet though he loved me so much

I left him in the lurch.

I now live with the church mouse.

P1000261

y

I now believe we is a flea

They gave me a prick in my arm
And said I must keep it quite warm
So I fell into the fire
Oh,how I perspired…
But as usual I kept very calm

It’s meant to protect me from flu.
And vomiting string and from glue.
But it gave me diarrhea.
I can’t say cr*p here.
So please send me or email a clue.

They try to prevent us being ill.
Yet they also advise writing a will.
Do we never die?
Is this life a lie?
Of questions we all have our fill

It’s heaven on earth when we see
That I am you and you’re me.
We’re all potentially divine,
As beer is like wine…
I now believe we is a flea

Mary wants a woollen vest

Dotty cats

Winter had almost come to Knittingham,yet owing to the late summer and wet autumn,many trees still had their leaves,,,,,,,,,,,some were even green.Stan and Mary were sitting in their mock Tudor cottage style kitchen eating muffins and honey.

Wow,it’s so cold,Mary remarked.Now,Mary I have told you before that Wow is not a word I expect to hear from such a highly educated person.Stan said wistfully

Bollocks,Mary answered in a tone not unlike the late Rose Nordloch,philosopher extraordinaire who was famed for her obscene talk.I am thinking of buying some woollen vests,she continued nastily.Good grief!

What is it, my darling Stan said nosily.Mary was looking at a catalogue of ladies clothing.

They are £39 each,she said wonderingly.If I get three it will be nearly £120 plus postage.

Can’t you just buy one and wear it all winter like the Tudors did,Stan demanded charmingly

I think it would get smelly,Mary answered benignly.We should get wool vests from the Government to save us from going to A and E with double pneumonia,she continued softly…Shall we mention it at the Labor Party meeting?

No,no,Stan cried,I want your lingerie to be a secret…
A woollen vest is hardly lingerie,she retorted…
Everything a lady wears under her dress is lingerie….bras,knickers,pantaloons,petticoats,vests,corsets,suspender belts…………………..But some lingerie is more sensual…Stan said wistfully,recalling the brown silk underwear Mary used to wear before feminism made most lingerie a No,No!
Anyway,Mary said,we are too old for sex….

but not too old to have a few fantasies,Stan thought… and woollen vests did not feature in his… he preferred lace and silk with a hint of perfume..

Emile came in and he too asked for a vest and some underpants… .. but suppose I wet them? he fretted as cats do

Well,you can’t have a nappy,Emile.Stan informed him courteously
I have no desire for such things,Emile mioawed angrily…where is my food?

Oh, yes… it’s in the fridge,said Stan.He took a large goldfish out of the fridge

Where did you get that from? Mary asked fearfully….Oh,that tom cat down the road knocked a fish tank over and he gave Emile one.

But they are pets!She shrieked…. ring 999.

Dave the bisexual paramedic strode in.

It’s Frank,the gold fish,said Mary.Is he dead?

He is not quite dead,Dave answered…get a bowl of rain water.He put Frank into the bowl and Frank began to swim…

Well, that’s a bloody miracle,Mary screamed…

Just call him Lazy Lazarus.Dave quipped…he was in suspended animation.. fish are very clever.Would you like me to clean out the kitchen or fetch in some coal for the scuttle?

Thanks but not today,Dave.We were just discussing vests.Do you wear one?

Oh,yes.he said, and I wear a short petticoat too.

Very wise,Mary informed him.Underwear keeps me warm.

And it makes me hot,thought Dave…. but he said nothing.He kept his sex life almost a secret.

Vests,thought Mary.

To buy or not to buy

That is my question

How I became an amateur poet and artist on the Internet.Part3.

Image

I love color very much.I am profoundly affected by it

One of my  nieces was at University doing English. Literature Thinking of my past life,I  suggested she do Creative Writing if it were possible.It was.She wrote short stories for her assessments.During bad winter weather she was unable to access her computer at  the University. and read her notes.When she did she got  writer’s block.I sent her some  ideas from my notebook and she manages to complete her assignment and got  a First.One of my notes was about seeing a woman whose husband left her.She was recovering and was out in the snow with a big dog on  a  lead pulling her forward!

…And one day I thought,maybe I can  writ too.So I started to try to write more frequently.As I have some health problems and disabilities I find it very satisfying to do creative work.And I am happy to get criticism because it helps me.Some of my early poems were good.Some were not.Here is a strange one I wrote in 2010

But first,thank you,Helen ,my niece,for  helping me to begin writing.And  thank you to the folk on my first blog who encouraged me so much. Thank you to my brother and sister and others for reading me  on Facebook,I take all the blame for the flaws in my writing! I k eep editing but it’s hard to know when to stop.

DIRAC’S CATS :NONSENSE VERSES

6419534_5a28508448_m
I dreamed I rowed in a large pea green boat
Accompanied by seventeen cats.
And across the Great Lake,without a mistake
I saw mountains of gentleman’s hats.
I was making no waves in my effort to move,
The cats were discoursing on geometry.
I looked in the mirror fixed onto my boat,
The moon spoke  entrancing Theology.
“I wonder who’ll help me”I thought to myself,
When I saw an entire spectrum of men–
Dirac, Archimedes,Niels Bohr, with their theories.
I got my great inspiration just then.
I need seventeen physicists,that’s one for each cat,
All tied to my boat with a chain.
The force they exert will just compensate
For the magnetic attraction of rain.
Paul Dirac came up, and I looked into his eyes,
They were full of anxiety and pain.
“I am sorry I am unable do what you wish,
But my father never taught me to swim.”
“That is perfectly alright”,I politely replied,
“You can walk on the water instead”
So that’s how my boat and its cargo of cats
Were accompanied back to my bed.
When I awoke the next day,I was filled with dismay.
I saw that Paul Dirac was gone,
With the cats and the boat,of which I just wrote
And I was now completely alone.
I took a quick look,in my old physics book
And there was a photo of Dirac
I stared at his eyes,and I am not telling lies,
He threw me a very strange look.
I caught this strange look,it’s here in my book.
I am saving it for a special event.
When I gather more Data on Relative Quanta,
I’ll understand just what Dirac meant.

6429586_72f5d1321d_m

The digital art came later.And even later my stories about Emile the cat and Stan his owner.You can see a few on my blog

Image

I’ll not skimp

The Lord’s my shepherd I’ll not grunt.
Was a Jew’s lamb lingering here,in England’s green unpleasant land?
O praise ye the sword,its works to proclaim.
While leopards rung their blogs all night
Oh,run all ye faithful
Pale St Joseph poor and mental,God has made thee a cuckold.
We worship our bling,its worth we proclaim
All people that on earth do smell
Silent night,wholly light

…. call into Boots later.

[You may sometimes see ads here to make money for me.]
And an angel appeared to Mary and spake thus
Oy vey,Miriam.
And she replied.Oy vey.
You will be bare and wild
What?
Sorry,the wrong script… you will bear a child.
So what’s so odd about that.All women do it…
Well,that’s what is in the telegram.
But they’ve not been invented yet!
Oy vey! Amen.
Drecked again.
What an angel,what a wife!Poor Yussif

Tears in your eyes

Autumn 2013 070Until the very end of time I’ll be loving you.
Until the end of all my rhymes,I’ll be writing you.
Until the day I die,I’ll be unintentionally annoying you.
Older and older,I’ll never leave you,but I will,no doubt, grieve you and deceive you,misperceive you.
Otherwise I’ll think of you,wink at you and make a hyperlink to you
Still,for ever,I’ll be all over you..looking for fleas in your floes, and
B’s in your Y’s.
I’ll be looking for tears in your eyes
and making you feel surprised.
That’s a love poem,innit?
Well,innit?
Wot!I’m British,innit!
Oh, geddit!

A newly discovered sonnet by William ~Snakeswagger

English: Edward Lear, illustration for "T...
English: Edward Lear, illustration for “The Owl and the Pussycat” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Eugène Delacroix's 1825 painting "Louis d...
Eugène Delacroix’s 1825 painting “Louis d’Orléans Showing His Mistress”. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 My mistress’ eye is like a currant bun

Though she has problems,she is  quite divine

Her bosom is bared,bold out in the sun.

I hope that  what his hers is also mine?

My mistress eye looks fine as it is glass

She lost her marbles playing with a fox

She’s good at letting errors whistle past

And mending fuses in that little box.

My mistress dear I gaze upon that breast.

I see her skin is warm and she does sweat.

I too have lusted and I have confessed

But still she gambles and she places bets.

In truth I am as fickle as a weed

but each must act according to his need

 

Related articles

 

 

Entertaining myself….. guilty as charged

I read very  hard books  mostly and then I  like to have fun.I  wanted to be or not to be a playwright.But I only wrote  the titles.I will sell them if you feel inspired

Borneo and the toilets   [A new rock band and their troubles]

A midsummer night’s scream.[How a queen loved an ass and what followed]

Julius seized me. [Possible erotic story]

Henry the Horse [A play for toddlers]

Richard the Blurred [How  the War of the Roses would have been better if they all wore glasses]

King Fear  [How even  the mighty can panic  better]

MacDuff,the pudding  [Scottish cookery book?]

Damnlet   [How swearing improves pain]

Hamerous [A kind of humorous version of Hamlet where he marries Ophelis or Mia Farrow

Hams of old England. {Bad acting in the past]

Nymphs and Leopards. [Love in the Jungle]

Lieberscreamzsche  [How Nietzsche ruined my life  ,the opera]

Nietzsche’s word was my father. [A literary autobiography]

Who won the Bore? [How being deaf can change history]

England’s screaming peasants blend [If only]

Death ,where is thy King?  [Plato up his own arse]

Foreigner’s  rile us. [Life in the UK now]

Boldlock the beloved  [ A Jewish love story with music]

Shyborg  [Shylock rewritten without anti-semitism…. and how cyborgs were living in that era…. you must write this]

Manbatting [ How cricket wrecked my marriage]

Sudden love [How I fell over a stile into a man’s arms]

Treasure Spyland     [USA today]

Who stole my male,my email and is beyond the pale?  [ Obviously it’s GCHQ]

Was that the fast God byte {Theology and  Information wreckednology]

Related articles

Cliches that got mixed up

But the shoal in my head swim all night,doctor.What shall I do?

Marry an angler,madam.

Will he catch them?

No,but he will take your mind away
But am I whole,doctor? What would it mean? Can you tell?

Yes,half of you is in the waiting room.

Wow…is it my soul?

I fear so,dear.
Shut your coal in the cellar in case Mrs Thatcher’s ghost passes and sees it

She will privatize you and send police to thwart you.
I  butted his wrath into another dimension.
I was sick as a  water phobic frog on  the rocks
Stick to death of the government
  I was wined, sealed yet bothered to care for him

Was he there for you?

No,but he was bare for me.
Silence  in  the home is an old idea

So why did it not work?

We need to talk
Silence is good for your hearers

But they will not be hearers anymore!

A paradox.
  Do you sing like  you are blurred?

Get your larynx tested.
 it?

Least dreaded outcome is love

He had a lead finger in my moat.Call my MP for a comparison.
I am dreading your writes after the weekend.

I am dreading you rites too.
Write me a letter or zoom in and speak
I shall reel with it,roll with it and be wry with it.
I felt a fatal blow from a light breeze.
Dreading a thousand cuts,I hung myself in the wardrobe.Not easy.
You look so dear in my downlighters I could just kiss you.But are you human?
Don’t get dressed today.Let me examine you with a fine tooth comb please.It’s just a game I invented,
I rhymed it a bit rough today.It’s this cough.
Please dig for the old today.We need potatoes and ants and will roast any worms with the batter.Worm in the Hole
Why dig yourself into a hole when God will do it free?
Do dip your toe into the water or you can’t come to bed.. how about nailing that brush too?
Dirt leaps up allover the floor.Can anyone ask for a broom
Do as I pray and sell me on E bay
Least said,easiest defended.
Why walk with hauteur on out water?It’s just filth
Do not look so awry.I hate it.
Awry in the bed,what more to be said?

What nonsense….or is it worse?

Always keep some nuts in your pocket when you go out.I do,for sure.I love to feel them if I am worried
He had a broken start in life and his motor never got him going properly.
And his doors were locked shut so he was lonely.He forgot he had his own key,you see.We must all remember that.
She has a following soul but no humans follow her blog.What do you advise?
To eat cake?We’re not in France!l
I froze in any other game but cricket.I kept  the boundary in a marked manner
Her nose on any other face would need a pleat.
All  those toes and never had his own feet.~what a shame
Icecream goes down the little red lane,even when it’s too sweet .
Hold my nose,whilst I tweet.Who are you? I’m just a sheep
Hell,no!I know why any other fame is indiscreet.
I have only a solitary ghoul living with me but he is very sweet if lonely for his own kind.
So is there a love site for ghouls on the Web.Ghouls in love?
I said,Ghouls, not,fools
All the world is a love site for fools
Ghouls full of longing please apply to be rehomed with birds and bees
There was a hole full of tomorrows in Eden but they missed it with the big Apple
I saw all the horrors and skipped them till I was old enough which is now
I am a sole tactician with discretion and ammunition but no weapons except care full poems
He has a beer in the Mart and a lemon tart for his heart…… he wants to die suddenly in the pub garden with a playgirl from Page 3
Abandon Whips.Vote by Conscience… what,a  Revolution? I don’t relieve you
All the bands on the ship went flat together.What a bit of luck!
All hands to the Quip…keep it smiling.
About your face… it’s almost a poem in itself.Don’t say a word!Say a sentence,
Above a board a bread knife hung.He wondered what to eat after that? I suppose the handle is wooden,he mused to himself.
Absence makes the heart grow longer but not much!
A face in the hole looked squashed but he recognized his partner,Jane.What a pain she was and no mistake.
He keeps his face up his sleeve.. it’s his pet neurosis.He gives it all  his care and love..But is that wise, to love a neurosis?
Achilles heel was very sore.To be blunt,it killed him.Or permitted it.We all have our weak spots.Sometimes our whole being seems like a weak spot.In that case you need armour.. or amour as the French might suggest
An acid test is given to people who gossip.If they test positive,they are sent away to live in a green forest clearing brambles and nettles, with their bare hands.

Give me sunshine,give me rhyme

I love you till the end of time

TRUE LOVE ..Advice for young women

Cathedral

 

 

I love men ,but not the toffs,

Nor the ones with smokers coughs.

I would like an artist most

Especially if he loves buttered toast.

 

I love men,do men love me?

There’s only one sure way to see.

Do your best to put them off,

Wear flat shoes and never laugh.

 

Study Wittgenstein and Kant.

Study all that’s difficult.

Parse Quantum Theory as a hobby.

Learn long words from the dictionary.

 

Dance with Riemann,flirt with Joyce.

Read Ullyses in you Rolls Royce.

Enjoy some chess and trigonometry.

Weigh down your mind with Solid Geometry.

 

Look around and see who’s left.

That’s the one who loves you best.

Once you have married and set up home,

You can free your mind to roam.

 

Throw away your library,

Let your senses all run free.

Wear bright clothes and have some fun.

Your adult life has just begun.

Dr Caskett

I once had a doctor called Casket.
Who kept all his eggs in one basket.
When his house set on fire,
He put them all in the fryer.
And into the flames he then tossed it.

Another of my doctors was Fred.
He  once tried to climb into my bed.
I said “je t’adore”,
As I showed him the door.
And a virtuous life I then led.

I married a doctor called Baird.
He managed to get my heart stirred.
He was as bald as a coot,
And smelled like ripe fruit.
When I talked he seemed never to have heard.

So when  I was filing a suit.
His big eyes filled up with doubt.
He said “What have I done,
That now you me shun?”
I said “Nothing,yet you looked like a brute!”

I packed  up my suitcase and left.
My hands signals were not very deft
So I walked straight ahead
And fell into your bed.
Now I’m not Baird, I’m called West.

Rubber soul

Prose  at any other time is acceptable but in the late winter we need poetry.

A solitary ghoul hid  invisibly in the wardrobe with my dresses and
whispered poems into my ear.That’s my excuse and I never use it.
A hole  full of  invisible banging ghosts annoyed us all day and the
sea gulls annoyed us all night.Or perhaps it was the other way round?
A bowl full of tomorrow’s roses will be welcome tonight at dinner.
A rubber sole of discretion for spies is available on demand.Apply carefully
Getting a  fiery heart helps you to keep warm but it can burn out faster.
Abandon whips and shades of grey.We want roses all the way
About traces of flu…wash them away with TCP or hot Tea
Above soared the swallows and one bit my tongue …was that wrong?

Do the rich prey on humans ?
Absence makes the heart grow in yonder green valley where a pretty lady lives.
Absolute power disrupts  dissolutely and powerlessness is the same
A face in a hole depicts existential nothingness in graphic
detail.

It’s a cartoon  for tea today

God save our butter beans.

Long may you hear see sunbeams.

God waived our dreams.

Too many fools are stewing in all our state offices.
Did poinsettias come here from some other place or are they natives?

Immigrants?Send me back to Saxony to the farm my ancestors mowed/

Too many people let out their wrath.On immigrants
Achilles.. no deal

Too many fools embroiled

The finger on the dial keeps looking for the loo.

image

Now and then some women like men

B

I am the widow of his soul

Now silence is folded and put to bed

He was worth the surprise of life.

He stares with eyes like green diamonds.How can I win the appeal?

Stop and tell the roses

He blest the waters as the froze… and he got bitten in the toes.

He has a horn on one side.. the other wore off when the bull fought him ove the cow..

I fill the bends in time with laughter

With me it’s rhymes after time.Line after line

Time for men…. now and then

Rhyme still wounds those with no skin.

A boring groan is soon tossed into the ocean.

Did you ever get that dramatic feeling?

Did your wife fall right through the ceiling?

What a hole!I bet you’re reeling.

Take it back and it’s too real

Hoping for profane love.. ..I have no shame now

Sometimes I take a list of cliches and change the words a little.

It gives me a kind of clay which I can then work from in creating a poem.

It is exercise for the brain though different from Su Doku

You should try it if you are unwell..laughter is so very good for you,

A half naked idea is fit  only for  raving mad philosophers in the wood!

I believe it was Eddy Days picnic
He  has hammered  his wails into the bookshelf and, oh my,how it groans with my books on top as well..can you treat it for sadwood disease,doctor
Take your hand off my fee.I need my pay.I am a psychoanalyst and I’m ok.Keep talking and I’ll have your card.
 He can strangle any cat with  his gut love
May I put my elastic bands into the cat’s tale? Will it come out as an elastic book?
Why is there handwriting  on your wall?Is it part of a pattern or or you short of paper>
She was as handy as a pick  on a locket
They called in  the slang police ,I swear,you dick headed prick.On my life…this is no slang it’s dirt.it’s profane,again
What a  lemony tang there is in your hair! Do you swash it?
I hang on his  evil words trying to bring them to earth for burial
May I hang myself from your picture rail to see if anyone wants  to buy me?I am free to a bad home.
I am as happy as a freshly boiled pan of blackcurrant  jam on the aga.That may be a simile.
Please do not move this oak as it’s  happy  in the park.Tryers may be persecuted by their  dispositions.
Are you happily pampered? If not, don’t come here as I love to pamper people more and more…and then more.
What is a bard’s day or night but a long flow of  growling rhythm?
He was headed like the best notepaper…. but ended in the Bin anyway
What is a hard stop and how is it related to a full stop? Comma or colon- buy one get ten free.
I find tulips hard to swallow.
What a hair’s breadth  from an  idea,she was….if only she had read on.
He has a leg up my chimney. and he’s on fire.How dire.. I perspire.I forgot my deodorant but hey,I can get washed up now.I have a groovy mind of love.

Pre-disgraceful

Photo0781

I wrote this as a protest against the fashion in medical circles of making everyrhing either a disease or the precurser to a disease.I have not included mental health here but I think it’s used there as well.If you are happy you are pre-sad.

Photo0770

I went to the doctor, he said I’d pre-flu.
I said “My dear doctor what shall I do?”
Next time I went, he said “It’s pre- shock.”
And then I had pre measles,pre mumps and pre-pox
I ran to the doctor,he said ” You’re pre-well”
I said “Are you sure it’s not just a pre-quel?”
Next time I turned up,he’d gone out for a walk
It’s hard for a doctor who wants to pre-talk.
I went to the optician, who said I’m pre-blind
I thanked him for being so intensely unkind.
I went back to the doctor,and these words I said
“I’m pre -blind, pre-deaf,pre-ill and pre-dead!