I’m in deep now,never been this deep before The world’s hollow like a shell and I’m out its door. In so deep, the ocean has its own startled floor. I’m down,down.down.never been so dark , so more
I can’t rightly tell how I got where I am I think I had an accident,fell over, then I swam. Sometimes it’s a loss, be times it’s my man. I guess I only do it cos I know some folk can.
I don’t know if the joy is worth the pain Would I choose to relive if, I was born again? The deep joy is the amazing gain. But the sorrow is damn sad, let’s admit it plain.
I’m in deep and it’s over my head What was I thinking of,when I fell out of that bed? I look up and the sea’s so turquoise like that mist is red When we get good and mad and wish some loon was dead.
At first, it was all just black,black pain But from the bottom of the well, I looked up with awed love again. That’s when I recalled,feelings are deep and sane Joy is much greater when we’re in the deep,deep zone.
I dunno if I’m ever comin’ out. We can’t control it,ain’t that what life’s all about? I’ll never love with innocence again,nor not feel doubt. But I’m no teapot and the devil ain’t got my spout.
I’m swimming and the ocean’s so mysteriously bright Down here we don’t have no day nor no night Fish nudge me with big grins and teeth white Sea flowers fondle me and whisper,turn off that light
While my husband kissed me in our bed Our cat would lounge on top and lick his head No matter what gyrations that cat saw All he did was pat us with his paws The happy days of learning how to feel How to entertain with spicy meals Of walking by warm rivers hand in hand Watching coots and moorhens ,washing pans Buying an old kettle, then a house Driving out to Ongar ,stubble fires Smokey Essex cornfields, insects’ pyres Driving down the Saxon Cliffs at Hythe Soft teal Sea,Capel le Ferne, men’s eyes Happy in a cottage in the wilds I sang like some small bird, we walked for miles Kersey where the ducks bathe in the street Kissing in the hedges was so sweet Getting our own garden, growing beans Growing spinach, lettuce and snap peas Picking our blackcurrants, making tea Making jam from raspberries. yes please This proves that when you marry you need pans Cooking dinners talking with our friends Wearing jeans and hair so long it flowed My husband liked to brush it till it glowed I dream some nights my hair is still like that And how the cat slept with his paws in it How his father died and mother grieved Life is not all positive, we see. On we went and love was what we grew Though anger did rise up and strain the glue First the cat died, then my man went too Can’t I adopt a beast from Whipsnade Zoo?
Mike has been taking photos all his life but now has more time to do it.Why don’t you get a camera or use your phone and start a new hobby? I do it although I have no technical skills.Again my technical skills in art are not very good but I still like to try.
Great Bardfield and Dunmow by meadows of blue
Linseed and poppies delight
Narrow lanes curving are leading us to
The Essex of Constable ‘s sight
At Manningtree swans jostle near the stone edge
I recall we have seen them in flight
Like a god might descend to fulfill an old pledge;
A humbling and marvellous sight.
In Dedham, all’s still and wisteria hangs
From a house with the door painted white.
The church was quite empty and no bell was rung
But a prayer could ascend to its height.
After the quiet of the village out here
The A12 was revealed as a blight
We crossed it then turned down a lane that was near
We drove home in the cool of the night.
Windmills not turning and churches not used
Yet a beauty to charm and delight
No mills as in Yorkshire,no hills to denude.
Long Melford and Eleigh ,oh wait!
I am ashamed of this country and the way we treat people with mental health problems and their families who are among the most vulnerable people in this country and they were unlike to make compliance because of their health and their suffering
Autumn time in Essex where we drove When farmers burned the stubble of the corn The earth itself was fiery like young love The smokey air rose like a cloud new born
The Kentish landlocked cliffs are wide and steep The farmers grow their grain on land beneath And there too we have seen the holy fire The flames and smoke arrest me with desire
The earth and soil, the harvest we find there Give me joy both full of wheat or bare Why did burning stubble make me glow? These images affect the heart’s deep core
Now fires are banned., they damage our pure air And I did not like the murder of the hare
While my husband kissed me in our bed Our cat would lounge on top and lick his head No matter what gyrations that cat saw All he did was pat us with his paws The happy days of learning how to feel How to entertain withv spicy meals Of walking by warm rivers hand in hand Watching coots and moorhens ,washing pans Buying an old kettle, then a house Driving out to Ongar ,stubble fires Smokey Essex cornfields, insects’ pyres Driving down the Saxon Cliffs at Hythe Soft teal Sea,Capel le Ferne, men’s eyes Happy in a cottage in the wilds I sang like some small bird, we walked for miles Kersey where the ducks bathe in the street Kissing in the hedges was so sweet Getting our own garden, growing beans Growing spinach, lettuce and snap peas Picking our blackcurrants, making tea Making jam from raspberries. yes please This proves that when you marry you need pans Cooking dinners talking with our friends Wearing jeans and hair so long it flowed My husband liked to brush it till it glowed I dream some nights my hair is still like that And how the cat slept with his paws in it How his father died and mother grieved Life is not all positive, we see. On we went and love was what we grew Though anger did rise up and strain the glue First the cat died, then my man went too Can’t I adopt a beast from Whipsnade Zoo?
I lose myself in heather scented earth The sun, the sky, the happenstance of you No more to be a rival for love’s birth
The bees fly in and out of mirth The distant Tees,the farms, the longer view I lose myself in heather scented earth
What is life if not experienced first? To lie in arms of love,to feel renewed No more to be a zealot for love’s birth
We roll towards the edge, the ending cliff Are saved by buzzing bees from avenue We lose ourselves in heather scented earth
Never will there be another mist A fog of love that fills the endless pews No more to be a beggar for love’s birth
We sunk into the soil and out of view We knew each other well, till we were through I lose myself in darkly scented earth No more to be a threat to love’s new birth
Mary was in the teal coloured kitchen of her almost detached house making a jam sponge pudding when the doorbell rang.She wiped her hands on her new purple trousers because she didn’t want to dirty a clean towel.
She found her colleague Dr Rosa Benchez standing nervously outside shivering
Come in , Mary cried.
Would you like a cup of tea? You need to sit by the fire and get warmer
I’d love that, Rosa said politely but distantly
A few minutes later they were sitting looking out of the bay window watching a blackbird sitting on the fence;they hoped it would start to sing
May I talk to you,Mary? I have got rather more agitated than ever before
.I am wondering if I need counselling or maybe shooting, she joked morosely
OK,said Mary cautiously.Has anything unusual happened ?
Yes, my sister has had her driving license taken away because of big panic attacks she had crossing the Humber Bridge …. you know how huge it is.She got out of the car and screamed,Help! Help!
That was dangerous with so much traffic about
She is furious and says we live in a Nazi state and is writing to the Times
Well, it can happen that you lose your licence,Mary said,but when she has learned to deal with the attacks she can re-apply and get her license back.Simple things like not eating and being tired can bring that on so I have heard.And fear of fear, too.
As well as that,Rosa said,my son has got a recurrence of cancer and is going onto some new drug-type chemo.My ex husband is very distressed and so am I as it was unexpected.
And even worse my new fiance Prof. Charlie Blogge has broken off our engagement with no reason.I can’t think of any at all.Shall I ever trust a man again?
He said I can keep the ring which is a blue sapphire ,supposedly, but when I had it valued they said I was mistaken and you can buy them on amazon for £57 and less.
So she took off the ring and hurled it into Mary’s coal fire where it looked very nice as it got hotter and hotter glowing like a lighthouse off Portland Bill in a sea storm or a banger about to explode
Good grief, said Mary.No wonder you are agitated.We may have to phone Dave the bisexual lovable paramedic available on the NHS 24 hours a day.Or we could have our hair permed and dyed red instead, she murmured to herself
Which of these events bothers you most,Rosa? She continued gently while hoping she would cope.
It is my own feelings that worry me most.I wake up feeling very sad and nervous;I wonder if I am having a breakdown.Then I feel worse as I turn it over in my mind trying to decide what to do.Then I get up and get food into me and think it all over and over again while drinking my tea.
Well, you know it is normal to feel sad, anxious or distraught when bad things happen,Mary told her.
But most people look happy when I see them in the town , Rosa shouted angrily
That is because being outside they put on a mask.They could be feeling worse than you.Anyway, why bother about that? We are all different.Some people think I am very calm but they don’t see me when I’m not.I go stiff like a piece of wood.Then I pass out
So what do you do? Rosa asked her nervously,twirling a golden ringlet around her finger as she watched her engagement ring melt in the fire.
I don’t do anything,Mary said.This is one of the fundamental errors in our society that action is needed for so many things and especially for negative feelings.But it’s usually part of life.Things pass.
I pretend I have a big round box inside me and I let the anxiety live in there nice and cosy until my mind has absorbed and dealt with the pain.Once my box was quite small but it has grown bigger now and so it has room for mad or bad feelings.I do little tasks and listen to music.
Then if I feel really bad I listen to Leonard Cohen and tell myself, he had it worse.But he made money out of it! Not that you can make money out of yours. though it’s worth musing about
Well,Rosa replied.Thank you,Mary.I am glad I am not the only one who feels so anxious sometimes.I shall try to get a box like yours.
You are welcome,said Mary jovially.Come round on Sunday for tea.Emile is out hunting but he loves to see you and so do I
The women hugged cautiously and Rosa went out looking less cold and nervous as she bravely carried her box away .It was invisible to the people walking nearby
Turn back, live again, he asked of me Do not wander in the darkness anymore One false move might give death victory
We are each connected to that tree The sunlit top, the roots hid in earth’s floor Come back, live again, he asked of me
While we live, we’ll live with dignity Not scrabbling for the gold in blood and gore One more step will give hate victory
The kindness of the golden light was clear And left sweet feelings in my heart’s deep core Come back, live your life, he then soothed me
Do not wonder now why you are here We’re here to live and living shall restore What our suffering self has found so dear
I had never seen the Light before Only Christ the Tyger with his roar Come back, live through pain, he asked of me That first step will give love victory
Annie the nubile,sexy and colour fancying neighbour has persuaded Mary that as Stan has run away shem should find someone else.Mary is doubtful First of all,Annie cried,you need some new shoes.No man will be charmed by those chunky comfy flatties.Nor do your socks show sophistication She herself wore a pink tweed suit and some high heeled boots in purple patent leather. Well,Mary,answered,I thought I should be myself because a man might be annoyed being tricked like that.I believe in honesty. That’s their problem said Annie rudely. Well.where do I get the sort of socks a man would like,if indeed all men are the same in that way?I’d stick with silky black ones,said Annie kindly.Then some smart black pumps. But if I look at Soul-mates online the men will not know what shoes I have got on. That’s true,said Annie.At least until you meet one. Anyway if it is called Soul-mates,why does my body matte Don’t be so literal,dear.You know it’s just a way of indicating they want a lover. Well.in that case it’s my lingerie that matters. See here,said Annie bossily.With those shoes and socks nobody will want to see your lingerie. Just as well said Mary.I don’t have any. Are you telling me you have no underwear on,n,Mary whispered Annie cried franticaly I am wearing some woollen vests and underpants I got for Stan,Mary said shyly People might think you are a transvestite,pardon the pun re vesI have heard of transcendence but not transgender,Mary admitted ruefully.I did used to have a purple bra, she continued nervously.Anyway, what about my job? Don’t put anything about maths on the form.They hate clever women. Surely they are not all the same,Mary answered. Mary Archer is very clever.And Jeffrey is very rich. You can’t generalise from one example ,Annie informed her academically
How about my love of Wittgenstein,shall I allude to that? If you wear men’s woollen underwear and love a dead gay philosopher it will cut down the pool of men available,one might guess,Annie shouted. to you I don’t think I’ll bother,Mary whispered.I’d rather have a cup of tea.Or maybe I’ll enter a convent and never come out again . So Annie put the kettle on and they did the Times Crossword from November 12 th 1956.Eventually they will crack it.Or die trying.
All this year erratic winds have blown Cold in winter,humid in the spring Whirling human minds like little stones
Ethics,truth,humility disowned In their place what will the demons bring? In this era, winds erratic blow
All the owls and other birds have flown They sense the truth, there is no lingering As whirl our human minds like pebblestone
In the blackbirds garden, they say :go As they flutter on their open wings Even in that place, winds strange do blow
Under masks of sweetness, poison shows Bombs are nuclear, once mere arrows stung As whirl our ancient minds, as mothers moan
On the cross, the Christ in grief still hangs Underneath, the proud snake shows its fangs All this year the monstrous winds have blown Stirring up our patterns,seeking form
When Mary woke up she couldn’t remember where she was. She seemed to be in a corridor with no distinguishing features at all except that there was a large desk behind a glass panel with a small hole and at the desk set a large black woman.
Would you mind telling me where I am asked Mary!
Go back to bed at once.
I didn’t know I had a bed here.
Stop acting so silly and go back to bed at once. You’re not supposed to walk about by yourself.
Well who is supposed to walk with me Mary asked her?
You’re supposed to have a crutch.
I don’t believe this.
Go back to bed or I shall call the matron.
Mary wanted through a door where she saw three ladies peacefully sleeping and fortunately she found an empty bed. Unless there was someone invisible already sleeping there and the state of Mary’s mind made that quite possible as it had changed so many times
She got into the bed and went to sleep still puzzled about her whereabouts. Since she had insomnia it was rather surprising that she could sleep in a place so unfamiliar and unknown without even Emile her little black cat to keep her company.
Who is going to feed Emile she wondered and does Annie knoe where I am and why?
In the morning some people came by and one of them said
I am the consultant.
I see that you had the antibiotics but be still got your nasty cough
I am sorry said Mary. I will try to make it nicer.
The doctors walked away the consultant turn round and shouted to Mary
Have you got schizophrenia?
Do you have to shout about my personal information in public?
Well answer the question.
Mary told her that she did not yet have schizophrenia but she felt something private inside her had been invaded this public questioning. Did she look as if she’s got schizophrenia well there’s no law or rule about exactly how someone with schizophrenia might look
What a lack of respect for the old people when if they said to a middle age or young man in public are you schizophrenics he will probably punch them on the jaw. He might even call the police to arrest the doctor for defamation. Though it’s calling someone schizophrenic an insult?
Schizophrenia is caused by a sevete loneliness and mental and emotional confusion. In our present as those are not unusual states of mind and perhaps we can help each other
Speak warmly except to your consultants in the geriatric ward.
If you have ah experience like Mary why don’t you ask the consultant whether they have yet solved Fermats last theorem or whether they have found Newton’s orchard.
And Mary thought I myst remember to treat people with respect that’s even more important than treating them warmly.
We all have an inner private self that must not be invaded by other people and their aggressive ways.
Whoever we are, we have a spark of life in our soul and nobody can take that away from us there’s sometimes it feels as if they have tried to.
Sometimes they have tried very hard and during the 20th century in the era of Stalin and Hitler it’s very possible that some sparks of life were permanently extinguished and leave a sorrowful gap in the heart of Europe
Once we become ill or have an accident we are in danger of no longer being the agent in our own life.
People assume that it we are over 70 that we’ve got dementia unless we can prove otherwise. My husband was badly injured in an accident which nearly knocked his eye out broke his nose and his cheekbones and caused his brain to bleed. Before going to the hospital the ambulance brought him to the house so that I could go with him. They were sorry that he got dementia but he had not got dementia
In the ambulance he was sitting looking in afraid and in pain and very puzzled while a young woman paramedic was screaming at the top of her voice.. Who is the prime minister?
I told this young woman to be quiet. I then explained to him that he had passed out and his head on the war memorial by the foot path he was covered in blood and they handing me later a plastic bag with his glasses in them and also a copious amount of blood He was in a ward for a few days. On his first evening there he rang me up at 9 p.m. and asked me to take him some painkillers. I rang the hospital manager and told him the situation and he went to the ward and spoke to the staff and they said well on the end of his bed there is a sheet of information and it says painkillers on demand. Since he was in the bed without his glasses to see with and still covered in blood becaus he wouldn’t get undressed it seems very unlikely that he would walk to the end of the bed and read this notice. And when a nurse came then said to him how are you? He did not realise that was her asking him if he wanted any painkillers so he responded if he did in real Life by saying he was fine thank you h How you could be fine when your eye had been at risk of coming out, your nose is broken and the cheekbone and another bone underneath your eye was broken I cannot imagine. The final thing was the doctor saying to him Do not blow your nose because your eye will come out. Have you ever seen somebody with a broken nose blowing it because I haven’t and I don’t if I ever will but should I do so I will tell him do not blow your nose your eye mighr come out How far does it come out? Is it completely loose like a marble that might come out and then roll away or is it attached in some way to the eye socket. Please don’t tell me I don’t want to know. Anyway he died
How my heart speaks 