I went to university to study mathematics
The performance of my teachers was boring not ecstatic
So then I went to London to earn a little money
While living with my husband who as usual smelled of honey
Then we went to Portland Bill to study rocks and seaside forms
I took to writing poetry because I love the sound of rhymes
I would have preferred lyrics of the Leonard Cohen Anthem type
But when he died I grieved and wept, too late for us to meet on Skype
What a sad old life it is when Donald Trump builds up more walls
So sound the trumpet and ram’s horn, like Jericho the walls will fall.
Oh,Lord.
Category: humor
Visions serve us well
Depending on our power, we may be blessed
Hallucinations entertained and self confessed
Fill our world with wonder and delight
Unless our mind is filled with hateful spite
Seeing the Golden Light may give us hope
Unless we are in Blackpool full of dope
Feeling warmth may comfort us at night
Unless a cigarette set us alight
Hearing soft sweet voices is a change
When one is alone but not deranged
Love your spirits and you will be safe
Hatred cultivated ruins hope
If we are kind and wish no-one ill
We live well within the sacred will
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You may be my saviour
With a Bible on one hand and a wash cloth in the other
I find that sex is difficult whatever or whoever
My arms unable to embrace, I feel I am in danger
Despite that you’re my husband and not a total stranger
I guess you really cherish me , thank you most sincerely
If I caress your loving face,maybe you will feel me
I only wish I might kiss you without the microbes knowing
I cannot even wipe my nose, I think it needs a blowing
I wonder now how we got wed, you must have been quite crazy
For wanting to get married to a scrupulous young lady
All too soon we shall be old and arthritis will afflict us
I’ll throw the Bible overboard then God cannot detect us
And then I shall be able to pull you even nearer
For I sincerely love you darling, you get ever dearer.
Dearer for just loving me and all my weird behaviour
Are you sure it’s not Jesus but you who are my saviour?
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Mary wants a party
Stan was down on his hands and knees washing and scrubbing at the carpet with a new microfibre cloth and some shampoo for dry hair.He had a bucket of hot water beside him.Happy, as always, when cleaning and
scrubbing he whistled
“The lark ascending” for his cat Emile, whilst sipping at a big mug of lager.
Mary was down in the town buying some new earrings to match her red dress from Phase 8 Sale.
Their granddaughter Flora had also gone to town but she wanted a nose ring not an earring.As she was a girl it was mandatory in the UK.
Suddenly, quite out of the blue,the doorbell rang.They always do don’t they.It was their Muslim neighbour Bert
.”We’re going away in the caravan.”He boasted gruffly.”Anyroad,the cat ,Nelsonia Mandelinaah, doesn’t want to come.Would you be able enough to feed her over the weekend without any politically correct remarks
being issued ,as it were?”
” Certainly” Stan responded jovially.”When are you off?”
“Well we went last week but we need a weekend in bed to recover from seeing Brent Cross Shopping Centre in Kettlewell right next to the old Post Office.[Kettlewell,Yorkshire’s idyllic village]
“Very strange”Stan said,”Mary was in it only yesterday ,she claims,in Knittingham spending all our minute
joint pension on new dresses and shoes.”
“I encounter women who have seen Brent Cross down the road all the time all over Britain.
Still they’re entitled to believe what they want!
” “But what will the consequences be?”
“Is there a flying Brent Cross?”
“That sounds rather religious,” Bert answered quickly
,”Is it an augury?”
“I’d say it’s an omen,myself”
“But of what?”
“The times we live in?
“But what’s going to happen?”
“God knows.”
“Well,does he though?”Stan’s hot water had gone cold.In fact it was frozen.”The laws of physics seem very mutable” Stan wrote in his journal,
“Also my spelling has deteriorated badly since I began drinking lager.
Would whisky be better?”
Meanwhile,he had cleaned only one third of the carpet.
He filled the bath with hot soapy water,stepped in fully clothed and then rolled himself around all over the carpet to pick up all the fluff.
When Mary came in she was amazed,
“What’s going on?”
“You look as if you’ve been having an orgy on the floor!”
An orgy was something unknown to Stan as yet.”Would you like one?” he murmured.
”Yes,”said Mary childishly
“Age has not beaten me yet!””Better have it soon before my knees get too bad!”So now Stan is cleaning the carpet again.It’s very soft and thick,just perfect!The list of invitees is posted on his blog.
Well,he’s been told to do something new every week.An orgy this week,the marathon later!
But why is Mary ringing 999?
Does she want to invite Dave,the paramedic or is it more sinister than I can tell you?
Yes,indeed,she wants to invite Mike Gove and Theresa May but she’s not telling Stan!.
She wants to give them her opinion of their politics before throwing a Bucket of cold water over each of them.Call it Baptism or Revenge.
And so say all of us
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But the square on the diagonal
http://www.britannica.com/topic/incommensurable
My dear girl do you wish to be married?
Don’t study maths, else you’ll be harried.
Men are afraid of us
Women can’t mate with us
So one might as well die and be buried.
My reaction may seem too extreme
For surely one may get some esteem;
For playing with irrationals,
viewing incommensurables
is a metaphor for political themes.
For whole numbers are easy to see
And fractions quite rational be.
But the square on the diagonal
Is totally irrational
And from the circumference’s demands we may flee.
And comparing the circle and square
Shows unconmensurable flair.
And human folk too
Exhibit this too.
So in marriage don’t expect all to be fair.
A straight line can be tangent to a curve
But never can two such things merge.
But if the line keeps quite still
the curve then might well
Curve back with delight in its swerves.
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We freeze or we cannot keep still
Britain is mentally ill
Who will invent a new pill?
Anti-pschycotics
Make us robotic
We freeze or we cannot keep still
Brexit was never foreseen
Its fog makes us gray as we scream
I don’t get a vote
I must be remote
I like you but I am unclean
If most of the public are mad
The sane people cannot be glad
Brexit is cryptic
In the bud we should of nipped it
But let’s not laugh till we’re all sad
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Broken windows
Passing water into a small bottle for the doctor to have analysed is a task even the most brilliant find hard.Rosa was not even averagely brilliant amongst the brilliants of history like Plato,Aristotle ,Simone de Boredwoy or Blaze Rascal not to mention St Coal,.
She grabbed her mobile as a dying man at his wife’s hand and rang the cab service. she used now she was unable to see properly or ride her bike.
Hello,it’s Rosa Benchez here.Can a driver pick up my urine sample and take it to the surgery for me.Thank you so much.
No problem, the manager told her and soon afterwards a young man with dangling earrings arrived.She showed him the sample hidden inside a Sainsbury’s shopping bag.He looked puzzled but agreed on payment of £259.89
She realised she had not eaten any breakfast so decided to have an early lunch instead.As she ate her toasted cheese and snake oil she fell into a daydream.She was with her online man friend walking through a huge field of her favourite flowers,cyclamen.They were walking along companionably without holding hands but together whilst also being apart which was delightful.
This was agreeable since she had never met this very handsome man in the flesh.He was called XY Matrix although his parents had never studied algebra as far as historians can tell.Could it be a pseudonym?
Maybe he was being raised to be a mathematical prodigy but he became a writer and musician and managed to earn a good income.He had a beautiful detached house filled with antiques and ceramic lamps like Freud’ study.In fact he had copied that from historical photos and descriptions ; one day he hoped to become a therapist
Rosa and Fox as she called him got on well and shared a liking for poetry and music.Sometimes he had sent her music as attachments on his emails.He seemed to love Wagner and Britten which seemed a curious combination to the British woman.He loved Britten’s Donne’s Sonnets sung by the stunning tenor Ian Bostridge.
After lunch, Rosa opened her laptop.She found an email from Fox.
You have been here and broken all my windows and my bath is ruined, he wrote.I am moving house to get away from you.And I am having plastic windows.
Rosa was alarmed as it defied common sense.She did not know where his house was ; it was in another country.So she emailed him back,
What is wrong , dear? You only said 2 days ago that my poetry had helped your sick friend when you went to visit him in the hospital
Waiting anxiously for his answer, she sipped some coffee and looked at her friend Dolly walk by, dressed in a pink suede jacket and black linen culottes with unmatching red boots.
Where is Dolly going she wondered pensively ,feeling like a cloud floating over Rydal Water in the winter not knowing which way the wind might blow it
After two hours of utter silence, she decided to wait until the evening when she had put away the groceries and written a triolet or two.She was keen to do it before she lost the impetus
The whole evening went by so she emailed him again.But again he did not reply.
The next morning she found a letter on the doormat.
1,Rancour Villas
Horror Lane
Dumbtown
Dear Rosa
I thought you would be kind and gentle like your poetry but you have wounded me.
You asked me what date my dental appointment was which was an invasion of my privacy.
You also told me you would not mind if your son was gay whereas to me it is a sin to indulge those sick appetites and you should not encourage him
Signed XY M
A dental appointment? It’s not as if she had asked him if he had a sexually transmitted disease or whether he really believed in Jesus as his Saviour.Nor had she asked him if he liked to smoke cigars in bed nor if he let Lassie his sheepdog sleep on the bed and cuddle with him.For all she knew, the dog might be his partner or even his wife
She emailed him as she felt anxious in case he was having a breakdown.He replied, saying she was not who he thought and he was finished with her.
I wonder who he thought I was, she asked herself as she sat with tears in her eyes feeling concerned about what was really going on in his dear mind.
Her cat Lucy ran up and sat on the arm of the chair gazing frenziedly at her owner and mother
Don’t worry Lucy.I am sure I will soon be ok. This must be a mistake.I think he has got paranoia which gets worse and then better
Rosa looked on Amazon and found a book called
Kantor MD, Martin
Having read a little of the book online she decided it had some useful tips which could also apply to people who were not paranoid , like always being polite, never telling lies and never arguing.As it was only £1899 she placed an order.If her friend was really ill she did not want to make him worse.
On the other hand ,who knows what his real motives might be?He could be a sadist or have got many women friends and not enough time to keep them all happy.
He might be gay and be using her to see if he could love a woman at a distance better than one in the flesh.
We have to admit that often none of us know why we do certain things.As a friend used to say
On the other hand ,who knows what his real motives might be?He could be a sadist or have got many women friends and not enough time to keep them all happy.
He might be gay and be using her to see if he could love a woman at a distance better than one in the flesh.
We have to admit that often none of us know why we do certain things.As a friend used to say
It seemed a good idea at the time.
And so cry all of us.
.
And so cry all of us.
.
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I feel I’m more important than before
I feel I’m more important than before
For no-one cared I lived here in my house
Now Google spies on me through my glass door
If I buy shoes from Clarks, they’ll tempt me more
Advertising frequently and loud
I feel I’m more important than before
If I buy one new laptop, I need scores
How stupid is AI , and yet how proud
Now Google spies on me through my glass door
They know I’ve been to Boots but not what for
Soon they will be spying via my mouse
I glow, I’m more important than before
They steal as silently as none before
Even when I’m ironing my spouse
See Google spies on me through my glass door
I taught what the laws of chance allowed
I even taught my cat till she miaowed
By FBI and MI5 ignored
I guess I’m more important than before
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A new name for Rosa?
It is a truth totally unacknowledged by human beings that Professor of Linguistics and Word Mismanagement Rosa Benchez hates her own name.It is for this reason, she is keen to get married.Unfortunately ,her only suitor is Charlie Blogge. the well known TV biology expert
Does Rosa Blogge sound any better, she asked her friend Amy Panicker.
I find it hard to judge ,Amy answered. Ar least it’s not Bloggess. But there is another answer.
Rosa and her cat Lucy looked up expectantly.
Go on tell us!
Change your first name.Have you got any other name besides Rosa? Don’t say Wooden or Iron,I beg you.
Rosa looked surprised.
In a way that is harder emotionally,she began, because that’s what all my friends and family call me
They must have been dim to call you Rosa, Amy cried.
Don’t say that.Who wants to be compared to a light bulb?
Well ,who wants to be compared to rows of benches? Amy retorted.
Well. grandad was called I.Ron Benchez. Rosa shouted.He was from the USA.
Thank God ,he is not the President,Amy smiled
I think that is stupid.The name of the person has no bearing on how they can lead a government.
Well,how about Trump? Is it a real name or did they pick it from knowing the word trump from card games,Amy asked quietly
I have no idea,said Rosa.I shall look it up now
Wow, you have a new iPhone!
Charlie gave it to me,Rosa confessed shyly, blushing dark pink
You had better check whether he is tracking you, Amy told her anxiously.You never know what men will do nowadays.
But can’t you track folk on Samsungs or Nokia Lumias? said Rosa in her mellow voice.
I don’t think it is very romantic to give a lady a smartphone instead of some jewellery,Amy cried.
You can sell jewellery but who wants a second-hand iPhone.
As a matter of fact ,some old Nokias from the 90’s are now worth a few hundred pounds
So if you have one keep it unless your home is already overflowing with collections of pens,watches old newspapers and cats like my friend Percival’s, Rosa retorted.
Percival? what is his last name?
Joyce.Rosa whispered.He is related to the writer James Joyce.
Rosa Joyce…. how does that sound?
Well as you know any word you keep repeating begins to sound odd and the same is true of names.Even the nicest name like Katherine With-Doubt begins to sound odd when delivery men ask you for it.
Are you with doubt? one had asked her, she told me
Who is without doubt? she had replied courteously.
Who indeed said the clever Polish doctor working in the UK delivering stuff for Amazing,dot com.He lives round the corner: Thom Without-Doubt
Thank God you are not called that.
Amy asked Rosa if she could make a pot of tea.They sat in the old orange walled kitchen eating cream crackers and cheese and sipping hot tea.
Lucy was eating some cat biscuits and suddenly had a good idea
Why don’t you and I swap names, she mewed to Rosa with a loving smile.
Do you know,said Rosa, I am so fed up with names I shall change mine to a number if we carry on like this
Do you think 678 Benches sounds any better,giggled Amy.
I was thinking more of a name like Platonic form or pyramid
How does Platonic Benchez sound. Or Platonic Blogge?
And so ask all of us.
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Woodbines dipped in beer
Every seven minutes someone dies
It should be made illegal, I declare
We could live forever if we tried
We can control our diet with advice
Dress up warmly when dark clouds are here
Every seven minutes someone dies
Don’t go out in winter if there’s ice
Kiss stress goodbye, let good sense murder fear
We could live forever, Lord abide
Put poison on your head to kill the lice
Do not pet mosquitos near the mere
Every seven minutes someone dies
Melanomic sun is bad for eyes
If you’re blind, a cat smells like a steer
We could find infinity as spies!
Oh, Mammy how I wish that you were near,
With Daddy smoking Woodbines dipped in beer
Every seven minutes someone dies
We could live much longer than a cry.
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I think I am invisible
Living in my bedsit in the tower of the old folk
Watching television,I heard somebody speak
A robot does my cleaning and it does not ever smoke
I think I am invisible, I wear a dust grey cloak
Maybe I’m a loser; my bones already creak
Living in my bedsit in the tower of the old folk
Noone here can touch me, now maybe they will joke
But my heart is feeling empty and I know I am a freak
A robot does my cleaning and it does not even smoke
The council can’t afford replacements for any mugs I broke
I see a few young people drinking coffee in the street
Weeping in my bedsit in the tower of the old folk
If I tried to drown myself no doubt I would just float
When I go to a farm shop, the sheep won’t stop to bleat
A robot does my cleaning and it does not even smoke
I am serving my life sentence, but it seems incomplete
I can only walk ten yards, arthritis in my feet
Living in my bedsit in the tower of the old folk
A robot did my cleaning, the dumb thing never spoke
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Even when it’s suicide to smile
Taunt no longer idiots on these isles
For like the Lord they are not English pure
They voted for the stupid and the wild
In appearance, May looks fairly mild
For the old, she has a faint allure
Being the chief sweeper of church aisles
Boris Johnson Turkey has defiled
He cooked his goose in rapeseed oil uncured
As befits the madmen and the wild
Michael Gove’s own head his heart defiled
Yet save him from the deserts of the sewer
Taunt no longer morons on these isles
The NHS is poorer mile by mile
It’s good if you are dying on the wires
Even when it’s suicide to smile
Mrs Thatcher, never paid the toll
She wrote a cheque and signed the counterfoil
Taunt no longer MPs on these isles
We chose among the cunning, the most vile.
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Beech trees are so British, I am Welsh
The bonsai tree is now a thick green hedge
By my mended garden wall of brick
Beech trees are so British, they are Welsh
My genes are mainly Irish, it’s alleged
With some from Denmark making blonde hair thick
The bonsai tree is now a thick green hedge
My metatarsals Celtic I begrudge
I could bear them were they Arabic
Bleached feet are so British, they now belch
Through the EU quicksands, I can squelch
Even if the dirt makes my legs black
I need no tree, I need a stony ledge
Immigrants are dying of their lack
Kill them all, we’re British we love flak
We don’t mind a flower from somewhere else
Elm trees are so common, yet they’re Dutch
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Meter bends the time.
My lover went to Lapland for he found my love too warm
You porcupine, he hollered out, I prefer a seal
Are you sure.I questioned him, for I did not wish him harm
I need to get away from you, I want a conger eel.
He set off in his brand new car, the ferry was quite late
He was a little angry but drink gave him false calm
He got talking to a mermaid and now she is his mate
She lives deep in the icy sea and he loves her frigid arms
I don’t know how you would feel, if after twenty years
Of being called a porcupine, when swaddled iin his arms
Your lover found the Northern Pole, and left you only tears
At least I can enjoy my bed without his wild alarms
The melody is not the words but how they are combined
I have lost all faith in men , unless their names form rhymes
I know we have got clocks today but meter bends the time.
Like dancing bends the entire space of humans ,rapt, sublime
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His lashes dark as mines
I loved my love with all my heart and mind
We never disagreed till I got nits
He was so blonde, so handsome and so kind
Our matched intelligence was undefined
His sense of humour made me laugh,have fits
I loved my love with all my savage mind
His father was a rich man and refined
His art creation far above the pits
The son so bright, athletic and so kind
I leave my deeper feelings undefined
In case a lawyer sues us with a writ
I loved my love with all my heart, so blind
A problem made our faces gather lines
We were merely children with no chits
The son so brilliant, how was he kind?
The teacher told us we would have to part
The pain felt like a brick dropped on my tart
I loved my love with my embodied mind
His eyes so blue , his lashes dark as mines
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Unoriginal sins
He wants to know what original sin is
I want to know some original sins.
You will have to go to another country as all the sins here have been committed many times
Such as?
1.Paying wages insufficient to maintain life
2.Well, adultery too as you don’t have to be married now for that
Thank the Lord.I can committ adultery just like married folk
Well you have to be in a committed relationship
I have one with my cat
Don’t be ridiculous.You don’t got to bed with it
Yes,I do.
You are too literal minded
Who decided the borders?
Ir’s obvious.It means making love
Well it makes me happy
But you must have sex
Don’t tell me it’s compulsory.
If you want to be unfaithful, it is
But noone would know if I were telling a lie
Except the cat
As long as it’s not a parrot, you are safe
Who would go to bed with a parrot?
Another parrot!
Not a cat, we hope
What would be a very original sin?
Being chaste.
But why is it wrong?
If yoi get married you are meant to have children
I don’t know.You can’t win
It’s not fair for your partner if you are unwilling to make love
Well, he has other interests like doing a maths degree at the OU
That is grounds for annullment
What, for Protestants?
We don’t hear that word much now
Do you mean f*ck?
No,I mean Protestant
I hear what you say
That’s good news
Well, not the Good News
What, has Doris Swansong emigrated?
No but he got run over by a bicycle
Was he in the lane?
No, he was walking on the M25
Why?
He thought it was original
Put him in jail
OK.How about sending him to the States to be electrocuted?
Would Trump agree?
Who knows?
Well I disagree.It is harsh
He brings out the anger in me
Put it back
I shall try
Bye
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Compelled by Turner’s hand
The arts are a real danger to my bones
Picasso drawings make my legs give way
No, my dear,I never went when stoned
But only when the Turner seas would sway
Deal to Dover, we walked on white cliffs
Wildflowers in the grass our bodies kissed
Hot sun stopped our joints from growing stiff
For too long we had this seascape missed .
Margate homes his Gallery so fine
The edge of England, complex Thanet skies
See the whirling paint deride outlines
Mist floats out ,enveloping the eyes
Grasp the arm of strong and trusty man
Before you drift , compelled by Turner’s hand
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Bacon either smoked or just plain green
I’d better buy more pasta and chick peas
Basmatti rice,dried milk and Cheddar cheese
Brexit’s going to empty many shelves
In the supermarket, cometh bleedin’ hell
Weetabix and antihistamines
Bacon either smoked or just plain green
Mini aspririns, lemon juice and oil
Heat it up but it won’t need to boil
Can one still get powdered eggs these days?
Stockpiling’s not offered on Ebay
What about some frozen mince and bread?
If you kill a pig, don’t throw away its head
Then we need to think about dried tea
Not to mention coffee and honey
Cocoa, semolina, long life cream
Sponge cake mixes, are they what they seem?
Jam and marmalade last for many years
Unlike love and my unending tears
Should we emigrate to Palestine?
Jesus was a Jew who loved his wine.
Buy a lot of biscuits, fill the tins
Keep a lot of loaves in their bread bins
Don’t forget to freeze some butter too
Without it what would any person do?
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He sang when high
You make me feel like a handout
Another hand out ? How many hands do you have
We have a food blank right now.Except for snails
Don’t keep me inflating.I am no saloon
I make the blade gay which was no meaningless feat,I reassure you
If you want to make tracks, hire a wolf or even a pack of wolves on a zero hours contract
To rake waves won’t make anything grow in the sea.
If you make your mind improve ,who is doing the improving?
You must see it through
His eyes pierced me like darts with no handles
He makes my blood oil and sells it to the highest bladder
Making money is hard when you are pissed all day and kissed all night
She is making me go made withf rost
I chose a man for all the right pleasings
A blighter trades on whales
My man’s home is his battle.I am the field
God took out an order on me….I am tagged by daemons
Many hands make light work s; hire all the unemployedright and charge the national grid
He was not only unemployed but unenjoyed by anyone.
Why is self pleasure thought sinful?It is exercise,in a very feel sense
He was a larky sort of man.. he sang when high.
We have a hoover sort of love
Where have all the towers gone,gone to Grenfell,every one
When will we never burn?
A hundred years since the War to end all laws
Apartheid is not wrong, it’#s just that tigers will eat us.
The country as a Zoo
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What [not] to say to a bank robber
What to say to a bank robber:
Lay off and get a real job
I love your gun.Where did you buy it?
Can you lend me 5 pounds from what you took?
Where did you buy those jeans, they are just what I want?
Have you got time for a coffee? I like that cafe in Golden Lane.
Thank you for being so articulate
My mother had an accent just like yours.I feel good listening to you
If your debit card won’t work,phone the provider.
Would you like a glass of wine?
Have you ever thought of studying as a mature student to get more qualification?
Could you give me a bit of the money back or my boyfriend will kill me if I tell him I have none
You remind me of Paul Newman in High Noon
Do you come here often?
Do you wash your hair every day?It looks good
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The immaculate perception!
She stared at me and knitted her wits
Am I an idiolect, she asked?
Wit is something nits don’t bother about
Can you prove it?
I can prove pi is not rational
That is irreverent
We’re not ex or in Cathedra
Her wits wilted visibly
You ought to stop knitting your brows
But do I have free will?
Nothing is free now.
How about zero?
That’s a concept?
Is it first a percept?
The immaculate perception!
That’s what we need,real, indepth perception otherwise conception is an utter folly
I think I agree
I agree you think
But do you?
I must or I would not answer
But do you feel real only because of your mind?
I never thought about that before.I feel real because I am with you or other friends
Yet we must take them in and let them live inside us
Do they give us indigestion?
Maybe diarrhea?
Can we bear to hold them gently?
It depends who they are!
Well, the best idea is to do everything very slowly. Then you don’t choke.
Can they only get in through our mouth?
These are metaphors
I guessed!
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Stan and Mary see a naked woman
After dinner Mary and Stan often went for a longish walk.They liked to go to a road where the richer people of Britain lived.,where there were some Georgian houses and one Tudor house.
At dusk they would stroll by looking into the lighted windows to see how the rooms were decorated.And if the front garden was large sometimes they crept in to see more
One beautiful house they liked from the outside was spoiled for Mary by the garish tartan wall paper.
What sort of people would live there, she asked Emile who was in her handbag.with his head peeping out
Well,they have a cat called Percy,he mewed softly.
Why Percy?It is a noble name from the British past of course,she answered…
Earls of Percy were involved in affairs of state.
Well.Percy is a Chinese cat,Emile said to her wittily.
He ought to be called Hu Ar U then,Mary joked ,or tried to as her sense of humour was somewhat lacking or maybe just odd.Still she looked lovely despite her moth eaten clothes bought in Sales in colors nobody else wanted like purple and lilac and bottle green.
She and Stan crept slowly up the garden path and peered nervously into the empty sitting room trying to identify the paintings on the walls.
All of a sudden, a woman who was completely naked came into the room and lay modishly on a sofa as if she were a trained dancer.She was a sight for sore male eyes.
Are they about to have a drawing class,Stan whispered.
She must be a model for a Life Class or an abstract woman ,with cat ,if Percy gets into the frame,Mary mused
Percy might scratch her then.Stan muttered.She could scream.
Suddenly a loud voice was booming at them.
What the bloody hell are you doing in my garden?
There stood a big man in plus fours and and an oversized red jumper with matching cheeks
We were admiring your wall paper,Mary said.I think it is very unusual.
He smiled in gratification.
I chose it,he cried.All by my self.
But why is there a nude lady on the sofa,Stan enquired.
I am so annoyed, the man told them.My fiancee likes to walk around nude but she forgets to draw the curtains first.
Does she want to make an exhibition of herself,Stan enquired hopefully.
We wondered if it was for a life class, you know,students learning to draw and become artists of note.
Well,that’s a good idea said Arthur thoughtfully.
The woman got up and came over.She opened the wondow.To their astonishment she was Annie,their neighbour and Stan’s mistress too.Stan might have known but he had kept his face immobile after years of practise.
Fancy seeing you here,Annie whispered creatively in her sweet little voice
I am trying to seduce Arthur but with no success so far except a marriage proposal.
You need to be more discreet and indirect, said Stan.
If you act like this he will think you are an artist’s model and likely to be featured in the Tate Modern Annual Show of Infamy .Now, would a man like this marry or even sleep with such a woman as you appear to be walking around like Eve before she ate the apple?
I don’t know said Annie but my clothes are all in the tumble dryer,anyhow.
Did you wet yourself? Mary asked her kindly.It’s nothing to be ashamed of.We all do it now and then especially since public conveniences were shut down across the UK.And now ,even winter coats are machine washable.
Well,I knocked over some lemon barley water in a big jug and so I decided to wash all my clothes. while I was here as Arthur as a tumble dryer
That’s a very strange tale Arthur told her.You look ravishing hanging out of the window with your nipples pointing up.Let me take a photo of
you.Say,Cheese
But will you put it on Twitter,Annie asked anxiously.
No,dear.I am not so cruel.Why don’t you get your clothes and make us all some tea .
I can’t make tea,she yelled and without pausing she dialledd 999.
What is it Fire or Ambulance the lady receptionist asked politely.
It’s a kettle.
Is it on fire?
No,it won’t boil.Can you send Dave the paramedic ,please, as he makes good tea.
We are quite busy so it may be two hours or more she was told.
I thought this was an emergency service,Annie said.
But who defines what an emergency is? the lady asked her philosophically.
I will die without this tea,Annie informed her in a ringing tone
Ok ,hang up and I will send the ambulance now.
Arthur seemed a little surprised
I have private medical insurance,he cried.But they don’t make tea not even for old people.
Well,in the UK tea has always been essential to the National Health
But it will soon be drying up and we shall get flasks from the dustmen on Sundays instead.
I just don’t believe it,Arthur said and he then passed out on the rug which stood in front of a bookcase full of leather bound volumes of poetry.
Will he live?Read more tomorrow and pay the price… af ew minutes of fun and gaiety.
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As dancing bends the space around the movers rapt, sublime
My lover went to Lapland for he found my love too warm
You porcupine, he hollered out, I prefer a seal
Are you sure.I questioned him, for I did not wish him harm
I need to get away from you, I want a conger eel.
He set off in his brand new car, the ferry was quite late
He was a little angry but drink gave him false calm
He got talking to a mermaid and now she is his mate
She lives deep in the icy sea and he loves her frigid arms
I don’t know how you would feel, if after twenty years
Of being called a porcupine, when swaddled iin his arms
Your lover found the Northern Pole, and left you only tears
At least I can enjoy my bed without his wild alarms
The melody is not the words but how they are combined
I have lost all faith in men , unless their names form rhymes
I know we have got clocks today but meter bends the time.
As dancing bends the space around the movers rapt, sublime
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She then arrested me
The stranger told me many secret thoughts
I might have been a spy for malign powers
She did come over as a human fraught
She asked me what provisions I had brought.
For what imagined journey did she lure?
The stranger told me strange yet mournless thoughts
I told her I’d no fish ,for none would bite
As for frogs, my count was even fewer
She did incense me,warmed by numbers fraught
She asked to see a priest for the last rites
Or for an editor whose work were pure
The stranger told me free,once hidden, thoughts
On purity and need ,she said, it’s naught
Perhaps for mystics, 0 is what allures
She did come over , take my arm and bite
As a child I loved to write with chalk
But being bitten I cannot endure
The stranger gave me plans,handwritten, typed.
Will she get a chance to drop shells here
Or is it wise to fathom Southend Pier?
The stranger told me many deviant thoughts
She then arrested me as well she might
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Shall I compare thee to a bird of prey
Shall I compare thee to a bird of prey
Thou art more cruel yet hide it very well
And if perchance thou now find thou art gay
Meet men now down in the fairy’s glen.
I know not how to paint thy long pale face
The hair so thin, she colour of despair
Thou lookest like a Tudor in disgrace
That once was sturdy,strong and very fair
And thy demeanor puzzleth me so much
Thou wert raised with manners of a prince
Why eat roast pig sandwiches in church?
Even holy bread is seen to wince.
Depart from me,ye green eyed coward and liar
I threw thy missives into my bright fire.
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Stan wants a chamber pot for Xmas
Cats by Katherine
Stan was recovering from his long feverish cold and cough.He had Emile standing on his desk under the window
cleaning it with a microfibre cloth fastened to his right front paw
Very good,Emile,he said in a husky voice.I think I’ll get up and make a hot drink.I feel better now than I did and I
enjoyed the Reith lecture on the radio.Mary came into the room wearing a long dressing gown with a zip front.
Where did you get that,Stan enquired jocosely.
It was hanging behind the door, she said.I must have bought it in a sale.I get almost all my stuff in sales.It makes it more of an achievement.
Buit are they really want you want,Stan enquired.
I am happy with them because I like bright colors but most folk don’t so they end up in the sale.I just bought
some pewter shoes for £29.99 when in black they were £79.99.
Will pewter shoes not be too heavy?Stan joked.
It’s the colour dearest.It’s a good colour for when we are going out in the evening to a do.
But we never do go out nowadays .he told her sadly.
I live in my imagination,Mary responded, and so I get clothes and shoes for any possible event funerals.weddings,evening balls.
The only b*lls you see in the evening are at home ,he murmured vulgarly.
I don’t think that’s very funny,Stan,she told him.I am a woman of gentle birth even if I was born in a coal mine.
I am sorry, dearest,my mind is not right since I fell out of bed and banged my head on that heavy tin chamber pot.
That’s a flower vase,she told him honestly and directly.We no longer use chamber pots now we have an en-suite here and a cloakroom downstairs plus an outside lav tooWell,I do.Stan said.I was brought up with one and I always use one at night
That’s strange Mary told him.Where do you find them?I have never bought any,not even in the Sales.
In the kitchen,Stan said.In the cupboard
Those are my baking bowls, she said crossly.
I forbid you to use them to wee into.
Well,will you buy me one? he asked her tenderly as he stroked her curly light blonde hair just washed in Boots
Dandruff and Acne shampoo. with Rosemary and Rose Essence
Of course,darling,if it wil; make you happy.I’ll go online.I am sure they are still made though originally they were used when people had outside loos.
That can be my Xmas present,he joked,if you pay for express delivery but don’t have it gift wrapped.
Adulterous Annie their neighbour came in.She wore a grass green trouser suit and pink calf high boots.Underneath she had spanx hip and thigh control pantees and a blue lace bra which peeped out as she forgotten to put a blouse or jumper on despite the cold weather.
What is that, in your hand,Annie ? Stan asked thoughtfully.
It’s a pewter chamber pot that we inheritied from my granny she said
Gosh,how amazing,it’s just what Stan needs,Mary informed her.He’s been using a vase..
That is very naughty,Annie told him.You should know better
NaughtyThat’s strange word to use.I am a man.I can do what I want.You’ll see.
But can you want what you do,Mary asked like an Oxford don on low dose speed.
I can if I choose to ,he said.
So do you believe in will power? Annie asked curiously.Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t, he replied ambiguously which was one of his defense mechanisms when he was with very clever women.
I see,you twist the world around your little finger.
That’s a strange parallel,Stan told her.But parallel lines on the earth’s surface do meet at the Poles which proves
that Euclidean geometry is not the only sort possible.
Why is that?Annie asked,though she had no idea what he was talking about
Because one of Euclid’s axioms is that parallel lines never meet .
It sounds a bit like men and women nowadays,Stan said thoughtfully.We will only meet if we go up the pole
I wonder what the origin of that phrase is,Mary said curiously.It’s a strange world.
Meanwhile Emile finished the window and was polishing the dressing table mirror.What luck for Mary and Stan
that Emile loves microfibre and Windolene.Next they are hoping to buy him tiny vacuum cleaner… that would
help to gather up all the dust from the floor and let Mary get on with her book
Mirrors and the development of the child’s theory of integers and meta-language as hypothesised by
Jack Lacant. Part 2z
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I sniff in wonder for it smells so gross
How like a prison is my cubicle
The only company the god-dammed ants
No human voice,mere sounds funereal
No-one to admire these woollen pants.
My brassiere has not been washed for fifty years
I fear a wash might spoil its perfect shape
Yet no doubt it’s been rinsed by floods of tears
When in my lonesome misery I moped
My sweater’s recommended for the cold
I sniff in wonder for it smells so gross
Yet I bought it chiefly for its mold
The mossy colour matches other clothes.
If you can afford it, get some soap,
As then your lover might enjoy a grope.
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Stan gets visited by two lovely ladies
Stan was standing on a small step ladder washing his windows yet again with a clean blue microfibre and elastane cloth and some Windolene he had bought in Tesco’s
I don’t know why I bother, he whispered to Emile, who as usual was watching from the back of the sofa, which he was “milking” gently with his paws.
With all the rain, the outside of the windows was besmirched by leaves and bits of mud.A wiser man might have left it alone but Stan had O.C.D which made him very jumpy if he failed to carry out certain tasks… so he made use of it in house chores and baking perfect cakes and buns..and in taking snaps of frogs, birds and flowers.Mental disorder can be useful sometimes.
All of a sudden he heard clattering footsteps…
Up the garden path walked two women dressed in the latest style of 3/4 length silk cargo trousers with matching blouses, all in a subtle shade of violet.
Except for their faces, of course, which were both a light shade of beige; they had Revlon peach blusher on their cheeks and Chanel scarlet lipstick…on their lips.They also wore dark blue nail varnish from Rimmel
“Good morning, Stan!” called one of them.”We are Anne‘s cousins from Pittsburgh.She told us to call on you today.”
“Well,I never knew wearing expensive makeup ran in the genes… can there be any other explanation?”Stan cried.
“Anne told us we must wear it all the time in the UK.”
she responded,”even in bed.”
“You seem a bit fast,” he answered,
“I’m not sure I want to go to bed and as you seem like identical twins,which of you should I bed?”
They burst out laughing….oh,what a noise!
“I was just saying what she told us,not meaning that you need to go to bed with us.In fact, we sleep together at night.”
“As children that would be normal,but don’t you think you should separate now?People might think you are gay!”
“We never worry about stuff like that… and by the way,this is Ruby and I am Rosie.”
“I’ll put on the kettle and make you some coffee,” the dear man said in a kind tone of voice,before he went into the kitchen and swallowed a handful of red and green striped valium tablets.
“I wish the psychiatrist would give me some talk therapy.I don’t like taking valium but I seem to be having visions again… and I don’t want to get worse..I never heard Anne mention cousins in the USA. I wonder if CBT would help me?”he said to Emile.
“I see visions all the time,” the cat replied in a matter of fact and calm way.
“Do they not make you feel anxious?”Stan called.
“No ,I just watch them drift by,” purred Emile.”I enjoy them.”
“I wish these two women would drift off.” responded the weary yet charming old man.Ruby and Rosie came inside and admired the kitchen where colanders in many colours hung from the wall into which someone had knocked a few dozen nails.
“”Why do you have sixteen colanders?”asked Rosie.
“Why do you think everything has a reason?”Stan replied.
“I can see you studied philosophy,” Ruby cried disconsolately.
“No, I have just read Ray Monk’s Life of Wittgenstein eight times,” he quipped merrily.
“Wow,is it not boring?”
“No.it’s so good it put me off reading lesser books.And I love to understand things or not understand”
Just then Stan tripped on the rug and fell over unconscious
.Emile picked up his mobile with its full Qwerty keypad and texted 999.
“Why are you texting?”asked Ruby.
“Well, it difficult to mioaw down a phone and now I have this Blackberry it’s so easy…. why even a mouse could do it.”
“Do you know many mice, Emile?” enquired Ruby wistfully
Rosie slowly made some instant coffee, walking around poor Stan ,unconscious on the floor…and she and her twin sat down on some white Swedish chairs at the old oak table and drank it, gazing shyly at the huge weigelia blooming outside in the shed.
The front door opened and in ran Dave, the bisexual paramedic.
“Is it you, Emile.Have you lost your hankie again?Are you sad?” he moaned nervously.
“No, it’s Stan… but at least he’s not broken the chair”
Stan came too and looked up…
“Oh, lovely,I feel much better for that nap,” he said brightly.
“Don’t you have a bed to sleep in?” said Ruby querulously.”I like your mean expression, my dear man.”
“Now, look here said Stan,”I’m too old for any monkey business.
Besides, I don’t know if you are real.”
“We just wondered why you slept on the floor.”
“A man has to do what a man has to do,” came the mystifying response.
“Now that Dave is here,he can take one of you and I’ll take the other.”
“Where will you take us” the twins asked delightfully….
“Do you fancy the cinema… they are showing Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday”
“Don’t tell me he’s still on his summer holiday!” riposted Ruby
“Let’s go in the ambulance.I’ll lie on the stretcher” offered Rosie generously..
“I’ll lie by you,” said Dave.” and Emile can drive.Stan and Ruby can lie on the floor.”
Sometimes life seems so simple, it’s rather like a dream controlled.
Controlled by what, asked Emile,clutching his Blackberry.
But answer came there none…
And that was very odd because.. they’d vanished every one…
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Please don’t melt away
You are my little icicle so please don’t melt away.
I’ll keep you in my freezer and peep at you each day.
And if that will not satisfy, I’ll put in more ice cubes.
I can’t tell what sex they are,I hope that I’m not rude
For all we want is friendship sweet, and eyes that sometimes shine
I know I can’t see yours right now , but maybe you’ll see mine.
Those cubes are gender free I think, but they don’t seem to speak
If I leave one on the table top, it seems to spring a leak.
It seems a trifle silly to fall in love with ice
But I don’t have to be what others think is nice.
And ice will turn to water and water turns to tears.
I think they’re running down my face and then they disappear.
And so they water someone’s soul and then I’ll be of use
So can I be an icicle or is that thought obtuse?
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Old and dehydrated folk
He put a new key in the ignition
But the orifice was damaged past derision
So the car failed to start
I felt grief in my heart
Don’t say no plan came to fruition.
The connection for the radio cord
Was broken so the music was barred.
I offered to sing
Or even to sting
This offer left everyone bored.
The state of fruition was good
When we went to find nuts in the wood
But we got drunk on cider
The horse and the rider,
Completed by bladders a-flood
Now most public toilets have gone
Everything’s private or none
One is a coffee shop,
Another’s a polka dot.
There’s nowhere for parking the bum.
There is a puritan ethos around
So using a loo is unsound
Old and dehydrated folk
Fall down in the grass in the park
Their blood pressure’s sunk to the ground
How my heart speaks 