Author: Katherine

Poetry writer and author

The burning stubble , earth’s deep fires

  1. Oh,doctor I have a brought a sample
    I hope you will find it ample
    There is no coffee left today
    Drink my sample, then we’ll pray

    If I’ve got a new infection
    Can’t you give me more protection?
    My immune system’s gone on away
    And I have to write a Play

    No Shakespeare am I as yet
    No bookmaker’s taking bets
    But if I write a sonnet new
    What will all the critics do?

    Meantime I get up at night
    Stumble to the bathroom bright
    I don’t know why my pee’s so green
    Now I see it’s aquamarine

    Green the sea at Hythe in Kent
    Down the Saxon cliffs we went
    The burning stubble , earth’s deep fires
    The inner work that purifies

    Steep,steep road in our old car
    Smoke around us where we were
    From the depths my soul cries out
    The cry is answered , do we doubt?

    As we reach the lowness deep
    In our conscious mind we weep
    When we touch the lowest place
    We will feel, angelic grace

    So the symbol of deep fires
    Filled my mind as we drove by
    Glory , for the Burning Bush
    Burned again as stubble’s crushed

Destruction of all our intent
Is itself a sacrament
For it makes an empty space
Where new creation can take place

Dissociation

She saw her own self sitting in the coffee bar that day

She was on the other side and feeling far away.

Her eyes had left herr body,they were looking back at her

She felt hot and sweaty in that fine Italian chair

She thought she saw a vulture peering in the glass

Just another monster like you see with air and gas

She telephoned her sister and asked her what to do

It certainly more frightening simply feeling blue

We put it down to terror and to chemotherapy

It’s hard,so hard if we’re alone and we have not got a clue.

If you haven’t got a sister then I hope you’ve got a friend

We need a lot of loving or we will go around the bend

Anyone can feel unreal invisible or strange.

Reach out to the human race,this can arranged

When we are alone too much we think and fret our minds

But when we hava comforter,

Life feels much more kind

Stan has a perplexing day

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[Image by my sister]

Stan was standing on a small step ladder washing his windows yet again with a clean blue microfibre and elastane cloth and some windolene he had bought in Tesco’s
I don’t know why I bother,he whispered to Emile, who as usual was watching from the back of the sofa,which he was “milking” gently with his paws.
With all the rain,the outside of the windows was besmirched by leaves and bits of mud.A  wiser man  might have left it alone but Stan had O.C.D which made him very nervous if he failed to carry out certain tasks… so he made use of it in house chores and baking perfect cakes and buns..and in taking  photos of frogs,birds and flowers.Neurosis can be useful sometimes.
All of a sudden he heard clattering footsteps…
Up the garden path walked two women dressed in the latest style of 3/4 length silk cargo trousers with matching blouses, all in a subtle shade of violet.Except for their faces,of course,which were both a light shade of beige and they had Revlon peach blusher on their cheeks with Chanel scarlet lipstick…on their lips.They also wore dark blue nail varnish from Rimmel
“Good morning,Stan!” called one of them.”We are Annie’s ‘s cousins from Pittsburgh.She told us to call on you today.”
“Well,I never knew wearing expensive makeup ran in the genes… can there be any other explanation?”Stan asked stupidly.
“Annie told us we must wear it all the time in the UK.” she responded,”even in bed.”
“You seem a bit fast,” he answered,
“I’m not sure I want to go to bed and as you seem like identical twins,which of you should I bed?”
They burst out laughing….oh,what a strange  noise that seemed to this sweet old man
“I was just saying what she told us,not meaning that you need to go to bed with us.In fact, we sleep together at night.”
“As children that would be normal,but don’t you think you should separate now?People might think you are gay!”
“We never worry about stuff like that… and by the way,this is Ruby and I am Rosie.”
“I’ll put on the kettle and make you some coffee,” the dear and anxious  man said in a kind tone of voice,before he went into the kitchen and swallowed a handful of red and green striped valium tablets.
“I wish the psychiatrist would give me some therapy.I don’t like taking valium but I seem to be having visions again… and I don’t want to get worse..I never heard Annie mention cousins in the USA. I wonder if CBT would help me?” he said to Emile.
“I see visions all the time,” the cat replied in a matter of fact and calm way.
“Do they not make you feel anxious?”Stan called.
“No,I just watch them drift by,” purred Emile.”I enjoy them.”
“I wish these two women would drift off.”responded the weary yet charming  Stan.

Ruby and Rosie came inside and admired the kitchen where colanders in many colours hung from the wall into which someone had knocked a few dozen nails.
“”Why do you have sixteen colanders?”asked Rosie.
“Why do you think everything has a reason?”Stan replied.
“I can see you studied philosophy,” Ruby cried disconsolately as she loved an argument
“No,I have just read Ray Monk’s Life of Wittgenstein eight times,” he quipped merrily.
“Wow,is it not boring?” they murmured softly like two doves in spring time
“No.it’s so good it put me off reading lesser books.And I love to understand things,”
Just then Stan tripped on the rug and fell over. unconscious.
.Emile picked up his mobile with its full Qwerty key pad and texted 999.
“Why are you texting?”asked Ruby.
“Well,it difficult to mioaw down a phone and now I have this Blackberry it’s so easy…. why even a mouse could do it.”
“Do you know many mice,Emile?” enquired Ruby wistfully as she felt very lonely at times
Rosie slowly made some instant coffee, walking around poor Stan ,unconscious on the floor…and she and her twin sat down on some white Swedish chairs at the old oak table and drank it,gazing shyly at the huge weigelia blooming outside in the shed.
The front door opened and in ran Dave,the bisexual paramedic.
“Is it you,Emile.Have you lost your hankie again.Are you sad?” he moaned nervously.
“No,it’s Stan… but at least he’s not broken the chair”
Stan came too and looked up. at Dave.
“Oh, lovely,I feel much better for that nap” he said brightly as he was such a positive person..
“Don’t you have a bed to sleep in?” said Ruby querulously.”I like your mean expression,my dear man.”
“Now,look here said Stan,”I’m too old for any monkey business. Besides,I don’t know if you are real.”
“We just wondered why you slept on the floor.”
“A man has to do what a man has to do,” came the mystifying response.
“Now that Dave is here,he can take one of you and I’ll take the other.”
“Where will you take us”the twins asked delightedly.
“Do you fancy the cinema… they are showing Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday”
“Don’t tell me he’s still on his summer holiday!” riposted Ruby
“Let’s go in the ambulance.I’ll lie on the stretcher” offered Rosie generously..
“I’ll lie by you,”said Dave.” and Emile can drive.Stan and Ruby can lie on the floor.”
Sometimes life seems so simple,it’s rather like a dream controlled..
Controlled by what,asked Emile,clutching his Blackberry.
But answer came there none…
And that was very odd because.. they’d vanished every one…
To read more,why not take out a subscription?At just £100 a day,it’s value for money…as money no longer has any value!

Steroids and their side effects

I’d be interested to know the experiences of other people because since I’ve been in hospital I’ve been on a high dose and the effect is basically I have had very little sleep.

I mean like none or one or two hours

I also been troubled for the first time in my life by thoughts about suicide

Some other medication I’m on can have suicide as a side effect…..

And do you get help … Surprisingly I have not got any help. ISO surprisingly because a lot of people are put on steroids inhydrases when suffering from things like rheumatoid arthritis flare-ups….

Knowledge about the effect must exist but why don’t the doctors or nurses in the hospital know ?

Trouble sleeping while the hospital is not unusual which have sleep to this diminished degree is torture.

All sorts of insomnia seem to be ignored or even laughed at. In my view it could cause trauma if you’re in the hospital for more than two or three days and you’re being given drugs with these side effects.

In addition it can cause type 2 diabetes osteoporisis… How many other problems ?

Are we afraid of being labeled mental ill if we complain?

The smartest one alive

My eyes were on the ceiling staring down at me

They never told me this is so,oh chemotherapy.

I stared at them, they stared at me,whatever could I do?

I could not say a single word,. I had not got a clue.

So I WhatsApped my sister,she was not surprised.

When it all comes down to it, we’re glad that you’re alive

With one eye on the ceiling and one eye on the floor

How am I expected to walk right through the door?

They tell me once they tell me twice they tell me 50 times

When you write some poetry please don’t use no rhymes.

Then we had a spelling test and I failed all the words

But I was good as algebra and calculating surds

The whole thing is confusing when the eyes come  out the head

You better put them straight back in, remember what Dad said

And if you need some spectacles then you must have a face

I wrote on the ceiling, you’d better watch this space

I told a lie I told some more then I told 25

You must believe me when I say I’m the smartest poet alive.

I know my 10 times tables I know the spelling best

I hope that when I pass by you, that I will pass the test

Once I cared for people who were old

Once I cared for people who were old
Who wet themselves and felt the winter cold
I gave them baths and washed their backs and fronts
Helped them to get dressed and zip their pants

I made them pots of tea and gave them cake
I gave them dinner on a china plate
I listened to their stories of the past
An unknown world of war and terrors vast

And if they cried I’d wipe away their tears
Talk to them till sorrow disappeared
I’d do the washing up and clean the knives
The women missed their being someone’s wife

Now I am old and I have realised
I really had no feel for what it’s like.

Paint my face with colours light and soft

Let me paint my house with color soft.

Still as snowflakes lying in a drift

Let me paint my house in colours mute

That lovers die I cannot now dispute.

As stark as ghosts are in an empty lift.

The end of life is startling it is swift.

Death came here and touched his unkissed lips

I am lonely are the lights go out.

I am frightened I won’t know the route

Now my heart is bleeding it is ripped

Lie beside me lover in the moss

Paint my face with colours still and soft

I see you in the mist and I am lost.

What we pay is more than any cost.

But a prayer could ascend to its height.

Great Bardfield and Dunmow by meadows  of blue
Linseed and poppies delight
Narrow lanes curving  are leading us to
The Essex  of Constable ‘s sight

At Manningtree swans  jostle near the  stone edge
I recall we have seen them in flight
Like a god might descend  to fulfill an old pledge;
A humbling  and marvellous sight.

In Dedham,  all’s still and wisteria  hangs
From a house with the door painted white.
The church was  quite empty and no bell was rung
But a prayer could ascend to its height.

After the quiet of the village out here
The A12  was revealed as a blight
We crossed it then  turned down a lane that was near
We drove home  in the  cool of the night.

Windmills not turning and churches not used
Yet  a  beauty to charm and delight
No mills  as in Yorkshire,no  hills  to denude.
Long Melford and Eleigh ,oh wait!

The love will never stop


His absence left an empty open cut
Where was my blood that should have made a crust?
The weeping wound must heal from bottom up
The healing force is life and others’ love
Those who touch us gently without lust
His absence still an empty open cut
Slowly cells harmonious in this rut
Do their work and live as all things must
The weeping wound can heal from bottom up
Meanwhile my immunity has guts
Keeping off bacteria and dust
In his absence. now a hollow slit
Tears fly horizontal,eyes are shut
Time goes slow and heavy weights oppress
The weeping wound shall heal if I have grit
Bring me wild flowers from the Clevelands plucked
Give me nectar where the wild bees suck
His presence was a comfort,laughter-lit
The wound heals, oh, the love will never stop

I wrote this after I had an operation on my arm.After the stitches were removed I went to bed.When I awoke there was a big open slit in my arm.It did heal after several weeks

Y

Why We Write About Grief – The New York Times

https://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/27/weekinreview/27grief.html

Where we liked to walk

Meghan O’Rourke: You know, writing has always been the way I make sense of the world. It’s a kind of stay against dread, and chaos. My mother was diagnosed with advanced colorectal cancer in 2006; she was 53, and I was 30. As her disease progressed, I found myself writing down all the experiences we had — the day she got giddily high on morphine at the doctor’s office; the afternoon we talked, painfully, about her upcoming death. It helped me externalize what was happening. After she died, I kept writing — and reading — trying to understand or just get a handle on grief, which was different from what I thought it’d be. It wasn’t merely sadness; I was full of nostalgia for my childhood, obsessed with my dream life and had a hard time sleeping or focusing on anything but my memories. Il

Against sadness


J

Against sadness:no-one here can weep
Nor lounge about in melancholy deep.
Was Van Gogh senseless to permit his muse.
For his masterpieces ,was the price too steep?
We see the yellow chair but not his views
Nor his mind where technique made such leaps.
Nor was his journey broadcast on the news.
Against sadness.

Happiness or joy is hard to find
When we rest, the News preys on our minds
Yet some are cold towards the slaughtered priest
His nose a beak of bone in old face lined
Now Muslims go to Mass and join Christ’s feast
Against sadness.

What rages in the mind make men kill thus?
In Syrian wars the innocents fare worse.
But these are our near neighbours so we weep
And wonder how to end the frightening curse
The sins we once committed hold us deep
We hold our hands out wanting to be nursed
Against sadness

Horror shock

1.When Angela Rayner was 6 years old she got a bus into town and she did not pay the three pence bus fare.

She is not fit to be in a position of authority.

Why isn’t she being pursued.by the local authority?

2. I once stole a sanitary towel.

Apart from this being a serious. sin it is illegal.

Should I return it?

Mechanical life

Although we are ill our bodies are ignored

The natural rhythms of life are dead and gone

We are mere machines,our hearts are sore.

No humans here theyve vanished everyone.

All is rational,technical and quick.

See the penicillin as it drips

See the patients lying with dry lips

There is no Dover beach,the world is sick

Every kind of sea will rise and fall

The. circulating blood has brhythmic flow

When rhythm has gone mechanics will appall.

The Nazi politicians flush and glow.

Cut your finger, see the red blood gleam.

Ask yourself, where is the living stream

Our eyes will melt and souls combine.

Down daisied fields, sweet grasses grow
Down these green fields, I know, I know.
In unploughed, fields where wild flowers blow
We’ll meet again, I Iove you so.

It was in the first soft summer light
I saw you standing, face so bright.
I saw you by the drystone wall.
I never doubted you at all.

When Meadows bright all bloom again
I know we’ll see you coming then.
in sunny fields where wildflowers hide
I know my love is by my side.

Oh,come, dear heart, do not delay.
We are not long till in the clay.
I’ll stand upon the beacon here
And never rest, till you are near.

When flowering buds all open wide
When bees to poppies swiftly glide.
When your dear heart is pressed to mine
Our eyes will melt and souls combine.

Oh, where are you, my dearest one
All too soon our lives are gone
I gaze across the fields and hills.
As sunset-sky with flames is filled.

When buttercups and celandine
Beckon to me in my dreams.
When apple blossom fills the tree
I believe, with love I’ll see.

True medical comments from doctors to each other with one or two additions invented by me

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•Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Faking life. Certified as dead.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

She is numb from her toes down

This man wanted his own bed so I told him he could have it for £100 cash.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

• Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
• The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
• The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

Open your legs. Friday night in the hospital

This is what I heard three members of the staff shouting at the woman in the next bed to me at 11:30 p.m. last night

Then they were shouting,you have to move through a different ward

The kept shouting open your legs etc for about 20 minutes and I understand the reason was that they want to change her nappy before they move her to a new ward. But she is not in a private place she was in award with ceiling appeal who could all hear what was going on and obviously the staff didn’t care about it

I don’t suppose this is common throughout the hospital it may have just be one or two people who needs some kind of training because it’s not natural for women to open their legs easily . Maybe that’s the wrong way of describing it maybe we’ll culturally condition to be modest and and careful and we are blamed if we open our legs too much or too easily.

Of course I have no other witnesses because of the two people one of those is also being moved and unless little don’t want to be involved in making complaints etc

But it’s necessary because these people need more training you can ask someone quietly to explain to them what you’re doing we want to change your nappy you’ll need to open your legs of it for us and let’s just gently pull it out.

Nice clean one here.. you feel better now you’re going to go to a different wars which will be nicer than  this ward.

At the same time I feel vulnerable for talking about this because I am feeling very ill and I can’t walk easily. I’m on steroids and they make me feel terrible I think I could have killed somebody yesterday and I never felt like this before it’s very hard trying to hook control the feelings

Shouting at old people frightens them and therefore makes the more defensive and looks nice 1130.

If you frighten  people it makes them defensive and therefore less likely to cooperate with you.

When I was teaching I did not raise my voice and shout the principles of mathematics to a stupid student because first of all the students were not stupid. And secondly .. it shows that you are too stupid yourself to explain this clearly to the students in

In other words if you have to shout it’s a sign of failure of communication. And that’s lack of intelligence and thoughts and that lack of training as well.

I wish I’d seen your body

I wish I’d seewmn you a body when you died

Your silent Face your shutteted sea green eyes.

I wish I’d held your hand when you lay down

You didn’t like your hands so square and brown

I wish that I could have  talked to you again

Your eyes are closed I think you were in pain.

You were only six when daddy died

All these years you suffered but you tried

Now you had enough of what life lends

You have gone before me to the end.

I’d like to lay my head against your breast

Go with God, for now it’s time to rlest

Demented people look like refugees

Like refugees demented people flee

They have no plans no place where they can be

In my nightmares I have felt like this

No surrounding arms to bring us bliss

The fear which seems irrational is not so

Would you be patient with no place to go?

Lucky refugees may find a home.

The elderly are lost, they scream and moan

Help me help me like a child they call.

There is no Eden after that great Fall

They long for death, the home they’re in appalls

Where is the Ark to rescue these lost souls?

They have nothing left to pay the toll

Mother father husband and young wife

Confusion takes the meaning from a life.

They do not pray because they are locked out

No church no Mass, no priest,no rites,but doubt.

The piteous hands held out for us to grasp

We turn away, unbearable the task

You don’t want to know about my bowels

I have been in this hospital for two days and I’ve been diagnosed with severe rheumatoid arthritis amongst other things and because of that I cannot walk I cannot stand up until I have some treatment and in addition to that I have not got a bed in a ward.I am in the corridor on a trolley and I’ve been in a side room on a trolley and now I’m in a large room which is not really meant for patients as far as I can see because there’s a kind of desk with someone behind it and a large number of people just came in and stood there waiting to I deciding or sign out and I want to see people like myself we’ve been put in here because there’s no bed for them in the ward. And of course more privacy and more assistance

I informed one of the staff that I cannot get my bowels to empty. She asked me if I would like a bed pan

There are no curtains around my bed so I’m in public view with A skimpy cotton blanket over here would you like to move your bowels or use a bedpan in front of a room full of people you might say oh they were taking no notice of you but what does that do to me if I’m so insignificant because I can move my bowels in front of 15 people and they wo I would say it’s degrading being fitted like thisn’t even look at me we should one way is a really easy for some other hand it makes me like a cat or a dog that I can just do it anywhere admitedly I’m wearing a nappy but … It will be pretty obvious what was happening. Although it’s not happening in reality. and 

Am I meant to lie here all night with an aching belly?

The lights are not turned out at night they’re not turned down and attending moment you may be summoned to have an x-ray so that they have to make full use of all the machines and technologies 24 hours a day.

Human qualities like kindness touch gentleness care rest and sleep are not valued at all and if you can’t rest or sleep etc it’s just your own fault

It is degrading to be treated like this and eventually I became so distressed and confused by the steroids the time on is to ring the hospital switchboard and spoke to someone and I’ve been moved to the acute medical unit which is really good. I might even get washed soon.After 3 days…

Maybe I might get to clean my teeth one day.

I only had about four hours sleep in two nights and I am very tired now.

I think after the first few hours in A&E it becomes a trauma because I had nothing to eat on Monday and nothing to eat on Tuesday and only some water which I had to get by shouting for help . I was not given water automatically because they kept moving me to different parts of the corridor or into a different room then they would check me for an ECG about 11 o’clock in the evening and bring me back to the corridor again this idea estimate full use of the machines but this means the person is completely ignored the body exists in time and space and it needs a third of the time to be asleep and resting and if you don’t have that you’re no longer living in your body

.

Words and words and words

What’s the difference between apathy and empathy?

Does anything rhyme with

condolences?

What is diligent indolence?

What’s the difference between sympathy and infamy?

What’s the difference between daydreaming and fantasy

Apparently daydreaming is no good for you unless you do it without ego … Then it is very good for you. But don’t do it while you’re on the underground or on tkan escalator

Apparently peaceful often confuse the word loss and the word lost so they will write

I am sorry for your lost but that’s alright as long as long as they did put I’m sorry for your loft . And I hope they do not put I’m sorry that I laughed

What are trombolances?

And is it a good idea to mention your deepest symphonies to someone who’s been bereaved? Or even if they’re being deceived or believed be careful what you say because words do hurt just as much as stones.

. Do you know that people were schizoid) personality disorder from survive better in concentration camps. That shows you what it’s like being a family in some parts of our society that it’s nearly as bad in certain respects as being treated very truly and badly by the Nazis

The only good thing I could say about the Nazis is that it was alright to hate them. Because there’s no doubt about their wickedness

Why does the Bible say

Judgement is mine says the lord and this judgment spell correctly because it’s done it two different ways in one sentence and I’m not sure what’s the right one of those two so if you know actually could write a comment. It will really nice to get a comment so thank you in anticipation

The dazzling, dreaming darkness falls.

 

Eight o’clock– and the sun’s still glowing
Eight o’clock – of a  colour bright day,
Up above, pink-tinged clouds are sliding
Down still sky, sweeping sun away.

Come back sweet sun, do not leave us.
Come back bright beams,I need sunlight
Down on earth, it’s witch moon darkness,
When your face is out of sight.

I see the  coloured clouds extending
I feel the  sense of sky lit bright.
But gently now, the mist surrounds you
And sweeps away that happy sight.

Into velvet blackness sinking,
The dazzling, dreaming darkness falls.
Goodbye to haste,and glare, and sunshine,
Time for reverie,night time calls.

On the night-train’s gentle journeys,
On this  trackless train we ride
Strange visions and haunting pictures
We will see in dreams’ designs.

In my night train,I’ll be happy
In such rich deep reverie.
We visit darkness in our sleeping,
There we learn its ecstasy.

Now we may have no God to hold us,
In His Hands of Living Love,
What will help us trust deep blackness
If there’s no Saviour from above?

Must we enter that great darkness,
Go back to dark from which we came,
Into dark all living creatures,
In that darkness find our home?

Trust the dark unknown, to hold us,
Trust the dark,both night and day.
Must we walk into that darkness
Trust it is our safest way?

Waxy flowers in the snow

Waxy flowers poking through
Snow so white
Flowers bright.
Made me think of you.

I see once more your just washed hair,
Soft as snow,
On pillow.
Now my bed is bleak and bare

,
Face alight,flower to sun,
I loved you.
Love so true.
Fear by love,overcome.

Cyclamen in the snow,
Pink and red,
Now frozen,dead.
Love was,oh,so long ago.

But never gone from in my mind.
Thoughts so deep,
Upwards seep.
Love was gentle,love was kind,

Always in my mind