Christmas presents

Last Christmas you gave me a blue knitted hat

It’s very soft and kind to my head

I like it very much.

This Christmas you were no longer here.

I felt sad because of the empty spaces around me

But I’m glad I have got the blue hat

When I go out into the frost it will be as if you are touching me gently with your hand.

I can see you now, your long slender figure.

Your hands and feet you thought were stubby

You envied mine

You would not envy  them now deformed by arthritis and overuse

I never got into that female mode of wanting something more feminine than what I already had

I was puzzled when other students ask me how I kept so thin

I thought it was bad to be so thin

I didn’t know about fashion and style and all the other things but you did,didn’t you my sister?

I’m glad I didn’t know because comparisons and envy can harm the soul and the heart

Things happen for more mysterious reasons.

That’s my personal opinion.

I don’t think a man loved me because I had long thin hands

I could be wrong but that’s what you wanted and you were sad because you thought your hands were ugly

Nothing that was yours was ugly.

Even your eyes which were green you thought were not so beautiful as mine

And now you are gone and I can’t tell you.

So much I can’t tell you I’m so much I can’t ask you about.

There was something half closed or hidden

I didn’t  press you to reveal yourself

I think that’s a mistake but no I’m sorry because you were like a flower that wasn’t quite open and I feel sad even though you are no longer here

But where are you anyway?

I have received apologies from the dead six months after they died but now it is nine months for you and you have not appeared to me.

I’m so sorry that you died of the same thing that your dad died from when you were six years old

You did tell me that you’d always been afraid since then that you would get the same disease. I have no idea of your suffering

I wish I had known. He was my father as well.

You didn’t even remember him. You wanted to but you didn’t.

So why did you get the same disease?

There is no answer