Zenphobia = fear of meditation.
Manphobia=fear of single men.
Ironpansphobia-fear of metal pans.
Lensphobia= fear of digital cameras.
Femaphobia-fear of females.
Criticismo’phobia= fear of nasty remarks from Irish men.
Tanphobia=fear of the sun
Tenphobia= fear of decimals.
Bigbenphobia= fear of the government
Fensphobia=fear of East Anglia.
Hensphobia=fear of being chased by hens.
Sinophobia= fear of Chinese sins.
Tinphobia= fear of tinned Fray Bentos pies.
Chartphobia=fear of diagrams.
Mary went into the kitchen walking very slowly because she was wondering what to have for supper. Now that she was alone she had so much more choice but appetite had not returned after her husband has gone on holiday with his mistress Annie who live next door.
Well I suppose we all need our freedom at times but to do it so blatantly was wrong. Phil the fact that he’s already had an affair with this woman next door made it less surprising.
The problem was that he normally cooked the supper so Mary was not used to thinking about the menu. When she was a student she bought a
steak pie in a tin but she didn’t know whether you could buy things like that anymore and anyway Marks and Spencers and it’s chilled food was usually a lot more tempting than tins of meat pies. But she had not planned ahead. She had not remembered to go shopping. she remembered that emu had some very nice food which look like beef pieces in jelly.
Later Mary and Emile were sitting at the table eating beef pie made with frozen puff pastry.
It’s very good Mary cried. Do you like it Emile?
Yes I’m quite converted to pies I’d like a sardine tomorrow or how about making some bread dough and we could have a sardine and mushroom pizza.
So Mary said to him you know I don’t eat fish.
Well don’t worry I will eat the entire pizza for myself,the cat told her. I wonder if pizza express do them? You could have a vegetarian pizza mother.
Yes alright then we can have that tomorrow with one provision that you eat yours outside on the patio
Alright I agree I know that you want to spend some time alone because you are very angry with Stan and Annie.
But we all know exactly well that Stan died some years ago. Is Mary losing her marbles ?
Then the phone rang. Hello it’s Annie they heard.
I don’t like Blackpool much especially my being alone. So I’m going to come back tomorrow and on the way from the station I will call into Marks and Spencer’s food shop. I’ll buy some lovely food and bring it around tomorrow evening so I can tell you about my adventures in the Blackpool Illuminations.
Well am I going mad, thought Mary. Never mind no one will notice because I was already very peculiar but I’ll be careful not to speak to anyone who doesn’t already know me. Or I will take a vow of silence and say I am a nun. I’m going to build a hermitage in the garden.
Can I be a nun as well said Emile?
Will at the moment a man cannot be a nun but if the rules change I will let you know Emile.
Thank you ,mother.
And so say all of us
So why are you eating that layered chocolate icecream,Mary,asked Annie her dear neighbour charmingly attired in a light purple skirt and blue silk top with butterflies embroidered round the neckline and hips covered by a silk dressing gown in light orange
Well, it’s a rather a strange story;it all began when Sainsburys had no slots for delivery
That’s not very interesting,said Annie foolishly
It is to me, Mary muttered plaintively.I wondered if there was anywhere else to get milk and bread delivered as my neighbours were not so keen to get my last prescription
Why, was it for heroin? Annie teased her, her smiling face ruined by a too pale foundation by Hercules of Paris and Dalmatia with crimson lipstick from Boots adorning her wrinkled lips.She looked ready to star in Death in Venice
No it was for cystitis, Mary cried.Anyhow I went on to Deliveroo and they have a store that sells food from Marks and Spencers.Only a limited range, of course
Mary’s oval face flushed with a pink glow and her singular blue eyes flashed like imitation diamonds at sunset in Weston -super-Mare
In contrast she was wearing a heather tweed skirt and jumper of pure new wool
And her green trainers and matching tights
But they had no milk so I continued with them on to Morrisons who again have a small selection
of food and drink
In half an hour they were at the door and all was well
Then one word came to my mind
What was it, Annie asked her nervously, her fingers twisting her newly washed her into ringlets so fast it looked as if she was destroying the roots
Eggs,Eggs! They had no eggs,Mary confided.
Have you none left?
Yes but Emile fell off the window sill onto the work surface and crushed them all
Do you believe it was an accident? Cats have been known to suck eggs,Annie whispered
Wow,I didn’t know that, Emile miaowed furtively
Stay away from my eggs,Mary scolded him.Lay your own.I wish I could
So naturally I went to Deliveroo where the local Coop was selling food
I got eggs,crumpets, marmalade and then I noticed they sold icecream.Chocolate icecream.
You never eat it.Annie told her
But I like it, so I thought,I’ll just get one as it is Easter
Well, the man came to the door and I saw he had a very small bag
I took it and it said, “sorry, we have no eggs so we have sent 6 icecreams”
That is illogical ,said Annie.You can’t bake icecream nor eat it boiled with toast
So then I thought I”ll either fly into a rage or I will eat the icecream
Then tomorrow I will phone them and say, those eggs you sent were off
I have been sick all night.I want a refund
This is not like you,Mary, her friend said.You don’t cheat and tell lies
Not up till now but we have to change.Not just ethically but also
we have to curse and swear
Your fecking eggs were off.
But Annie shouted: they will say
We don’t sell fecking eggs we only have pickled eggs
Then I will shout: pickle off cried Mary
That icecream has made you go crazy,Mary.,Annie informed her
Am I schizophrenic? Mary asked politely
Not yet but Emile might be if you carry on
I’ll make us some lovely PG Tips Tea, that will restore our sanity
And make some for all of us
I’m standing on the diving board so now my time has come
I’d like to thank the prison guards each and every one
I have suffered all the torture, I didn’t think I would
The starving and the torture have not done much good.
Losing weight is easy when you are in jail.
We didn’t get much sunshine so I’ve turned quite pale.
I could hear some others screaming but I just sang my song
Take me to the northern hills for that’s where I belong
Take me to my garden, will you find my cat
I’m used now to being alone but I would like him back.
I’ve spent so long in darkness with ceilings low and grim
I’m ready for the dive now although I cannot swim
How my heart sings 