He looked as if he had eaten 5 lb of raw potatoes while climbing the Langdale Pikes in a monsoon and was unable to find a w.c. or even a bush.
His face was as red as an overripe plum tomato as he read the report on his latest fiasco.. teaching calculus to illiterate adolescents without understandfing it himself;
Still he has a honours degree in Chinese so he was obviously intelligent in a way that could be described as tangential to human life in the UK
Her dress was so tight she looked as if she might pass out into the arms of the neatest man she could spot.Was this a plot?
The doctor asked me to take of my dress so I took off my glasses as well.When he asked why I said,I don’t like seeing my own body uncovered.It’s like seeing a sofa with no fabric
I have got 5 double stitches in my arm so if I find some needles I could pick them up and knit a scarf for my wriat
I feel like I do when I overdose on GNT… my head sweats and BP drops.Then I see a vision.I don’t even pray first but I do alfterwards,Hope springs eternal.God must exist.
I was waiting for a box of gauze dressings but all I got was Harpic toilet cleaner. Is it the NHS or me? No, it’s Amazon!
Writing poetry is like riding a motorbike up Scafell when drunk…. you can’t imagine how you made it.Then you have to come down.That’s prose.
A boy threw a brick at me.He said I looked like an immigrant,I asked him what made him think that so he said you are polite,well dressed and work in the NHS.
I said but don’t you want a top dermatologist here wotking 60 hours a week
He said,see you can’t even speak proper English;
What’s that?
You should f*cking well know sh*t like that
How about Jesus, I cried desperately
Who’s he?He don’t sound like a native, is he here?
I said , yes, he’s always here
Oh,f*ck, he must be a Russian.
No, he’s a Jew
A Jew?
Yes, you know like Moses.Abraham,Delilah,Bathsheba,Isiaah
I like the names, bring em all round to mine for tea
They’re dead.
Are you sure?They might be faking it
Jesus died on the Cross and his mother shouted,get down off that Cross, your dinner’s ready.He said, what is it and she said, rabbit stew with mashed potatoes
He said,I’d rather die than eat rabbits.
And did he?
Have you never been to church?
Surely they don’t kill men there!
No, but some die of shock
Electric shock?
Well, they have electric candles
I don’t like those.They are artificial
So is money but I bet you like that!
How did you guess?
Because you have knife and a gun and a label on your head saying, give me all you have now or I’ll kill you
That proves I am intelligent
Why?
I can write in sentences with the right tense
Well I have nothing except a card saying,I have weak bladder, let me use your toilet
OK I’ll have that.
It’s not worth much
It wll be when I get inside Boris Johnson’s flat
Do you really believe he will let you in?
If he doesn”t I will shoot him
I say,hang on… he might do it himself
If they all fell off a cliff we would be happy until we look for new people
Where have all the good ones gone?
How my heart sings 