“Human Punctures”

My  new book “Human Punctures” will be published if and only if we stay in the EU.If you are Dutch please email me for a free tyre repair kit
You will be happy to know my electricity payments have not risen this year so no fuse wire is needed.
My Gas Service is being conducted by the Vicar as snow stopped British Gas from getting  to me.
My water is being analysed by Oxford University and I may be rewarded  by free leaks
I will have a bath this year.Then next year I’ll have a  toilet.

• Many  men’s hands make the lights work free
• Two beds are better than one if you hate your  legs touching in the night.
• Too many rooks died in the broth.
  Pleasure twice, cut at once
  You can’t have your cake and eat  my shoe
  A bird in the band is worth  a coo in the bush.
  The bride comes before all the maids
• Don’t haunt Charles Dickens before he’s lost
  Is it   today  tomorrow?
  Please bite clowns