Tag: Stan

Stan gets a letter

Stan gets a naughty letter

Dear Stan
I hope I you don’t mind me telling you I had some problems with your last few letters.
Your spelling is now so absolutely ferocious I almost passed out in Church [The sermon was too boring so I opened your latest missile]
You seem to have forgotten all the wiles of grammar we once learned at school..Maybe you should write more letters to keep you au fate with English as she is poked about today.
And don’t you have anything interesting to tell me about.Surely something indecent must happen over and over again in your town.Why not pass it on to me.I would be delighted to be read all about that sort of thing… old age is so dull.
You never say how Mary is.Is she still riding that old bicycle from University days.I can’t imagine why you don’t get her a new one instead.Can she not drive?I think it’s unseemly to let your wife ride a second hand bicycle.The neighbors may despise you,imagining you are from the underclass and therefore ripe for abuse by all and thundery.Nowadays being poor is dangerous.
Why even your car is 19 years old.Have you never been tempted to keep up with the Jones’s, whoever they may be nowadays.A new car and a loft conversion would only be about 60 thousand pounds and your self esteem would rise like a butterfly in a thunderstorm.I say this only to help you
I have noticed you are getting thinner and Mary is getting much fatter.I do hope God has not worked a miracle and made her big with child at her age,though we could certainly do with a New Messiah.
On second thoughts,it would save a great deal of suffering if she were to get an abortion immediately… it’s less painful than Crucifixion…. you catch my drift, and giving birth at her age would be dangerous.Not to mention you gave up carpentry long ago.And pensions are low.
I hope I haven’t offended you but at 109 I doubt if you are still potent… it’s only natural we lose a little with each passing year especially when you have both a wife and a mistress as you did for many a merry year.You must have worn yourself out with pleasure.
Well,I just wanted to tell you about your dreadful spelling.Think about getting an online Dictionary.We all regret things as we age.Don’t be shy.You can tell me anything and regret it with whoever later on
Well,that’s all my news this week.I hope you get some good weather soon.

With love and warmest wishes from us both,

Joshua and Maggie.

PS.It’s terribly hot down here  in Hell!

 

Stan in trouble

 

Source: Kate
 

Although Stan was 82 he still rode his bike in the summer time.He was out in the garden pumping up the tires prior to going off to the Library.suddenly his neighbour Annie appeared at the gate.Bedecked as usual in finest Scottish tweed with a long pendant on a solid 22 carat gold chain swinging nonchalantly from her neck,with a matching ring attached mysteriously to her upper lip.”Who’re you,the Lady Mayoress” he joked.Where’s Mary?” she pointedly whispered.”She’s up with her widowed sister Joan in Scotland ” Stan admitted nervously.”Joan,that’s not a very Scottish name!” Annie joked.”anyway how about we sit down here on this bench for a moment”.She pulled him vigorously towards her.Stan responded regretfully “I’m afraid I can’t stop.I have all these books overdue and the library shuts in 15 minutes.”Don’t worry,sweet heart”, she cried contemptuously.”I’ll pay all your fines.I’ve just come into loads of money.”
“Oh,how’s that.my angel” Stan murmured. “I just shot Bert.If you help me to get rid of the evidence,I’ll share the loot with you.”
At the funeral,Annie was dressed in a beautiful dark brown suit from Jaeger.She went around the room making sure everyone had enough food and drink..As she leaned over towards Stan her heavy gold locket,inside which was hidden the bullet that killed Bert,swung over and hit Stan a glancing blow on the temple.
Stan fell to the ground.”Do you think we should ring 999?” someone asked sarcastically.Within minutes paramedics arrived.
“So,is it that chair again?” they clamoured.”Yes,this foolish old man fell over and the leg came off my new antique chair.I’ve only had it a few days and it’s not insured.””Did anyone ever tell you,your eyes are like deep pools in the Saragossa Sea?” The paramedic whispered into her right ear.
“Have you still not finished that Creative Writing Course?” Annie shouted.””I’m getting tired of you admiring my eyes.What about my nose?””Has anyone ever told you,your nose is the shortest they’ve ever seen?””That’s a bit boring” Annie retorted.”Yeah,maybe i should change to Art,” he ruefully moaned.”I love the way your deep blue and turquoise eye shadow is melting round your eyes and running down the sides of your nose.”
“Hurry up and fix my chair,and while you’re about it,you may as well take Stan down to A and E for a head X-ray.”
Glancing furtively at Annie in her Jaeger suit with carefully contrasting deep coral blouse and opaque teal blue 80 denier tights with 6 inch stiletto heels to complete the outfit, not to mention her raspberry coloured bra which clashed violently with the coral blouse which alas was more transparent than she realised, he picked up a hammer and began,excitedly,to mend the broken chair.”This is what life is all about,my boy” he though

 

Baking and the Unconscious:from the cornfields to Freud.

Emile my cat
Emile
 

Stan had decided to do a some of baking.

Stan and Annie have amazing news

Emile is happpy

Stan and Annie have been having such a lovely time since Mary went off.Stan has quite given up his addiction to microfibre cloths and polishing the windows.He and Annie can now make love at night and go out for trips in the day time.
Emile’s diary is getting quite full although he is worried he may be banned from sleeping on the foot of the bed soon as he may be in their way.How will he know what they get up to?

Luckily there is a gap at the bottom of the door so he should be able to see them in the mirror opposite the bed.They usually light the bedside lamp so as to see into each other’s eyes.
~Annie is a very bold,confident woman.Despite being rather plumper than is medically advised she loves her body and lives happily in it now she has true love.
One morning Stan goes down to make some tea whilst

Annie comes to.

“Stan,come here quickly!”

“What’s wrong,my little lamb chop?”

“I feel sick!”

“Was it those old sausages we ate up last night?”

“No,it’s a different sort of sick!”

“You don’t mean………..?”

“Yes,Stan,I’m afraid a miracle has happened!”

“But you are 55 and I’m 90.Surely we can’t have a baby!”

“Well,the ways of God are strange.” she murmured.

“I don’t want to bring God into it.” he riposted.

“Are you not pleased we are still fertile?” she asked

him humorously.

“Well,in the abstract I might be but in the concrete it

could be awkward.” he said furtively

“What do you mean?”

“Well,Mary will be coming back in a couple of months,you

know”

“We don’t have to tell her you are the father.I could

pretend it was the new Vicar at St Andrew’s”

“But he’s gay!”

“Not many men are able to resist my charms and skills.”

“I can believe that,”Stan answered lubriciously.

“But will you have to seduce him soon before he notices

you are pregnant?”

“I wasn’t thinking of actually going to bed with

him,”said Annie with a smile.

“Oh,dear.I was looking forward to that,”Emile murmured

under his breath.

“That would have made my diary into a best seller.”

“Gay vicar seduces middle aged harlot who is now

expecting.”

It sounds a bit like the old Bible stories except they

had no vicars in those days.But miracles like older

women bearing children did happen so…who knows?

Stan and Annie got dressed and went into the kitchen.

They were both looking confused.

“You don’t want an abortion do you?” he enquired

tenderly.

“No way.” she replied softly.

“I love you so much,I could not wish for more than to

bear your child.~”

“In that case,I’ll tell Mary.She is a very wise woman in

many ways,though a bit lacking in the earthjer side of

life.She has not slept with me for thirty years or

more.”

“Perhaps she thought you were too old?” said Annie.

“No,she never enjoyed it.She just put up with it as she

wanted a baby.”

“Maybe you did not turn her on!”

“I did my best,but she preferred reading Proust and

Wittgenstein.”

“I wonder of she has Asperger’s syndrome?”

“Well,they do find social life trying but I suppose she

can’t blame you for loving another?”

“No,she’s very broadminded.I’ll suggest we all move in

together.I’ll divorce her but she can have the big

bedroom and we’ll have the guest room with the en

suite.”

“I think this will be fun.”

“Well,not all of it but it will be intriguing,”

“So no need to seduce the Vicar,then?”

“We’ll leave him out of it.He might fall in love with

you and then what would happen?”

“God only knows,”She answered humorously as she went

into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.

Read more about this next week or it may be too late!

 

Stan has a bug:light verses

 

 6819924_f1126074c2_m alteredStan woke up with a sore throat.

He had to write his wife a note.

He could not speak without much pain.

Oh,damn,he’s got a bug again!

Mary made him lemon tea.

He listened to the BBC.

He read the Guardian front to back,

Did Su doku,called the quack!

This is Dr Browne right here,

but only gurgles could he hear!

He drove straight round to visit Stan,

He felt concern for this old man!

Stan was lying in the hall.

Dr.Browne asked,Did you fall?

No,said Stan,I hate my bed.

I thought I’d lie down here instead.

It may be draughty,never mind.

Dr Browne is very kind.

What about this long settee?

It looks quite like a bed to me.

I hope you are not feeling gay!

Oh,my God.What did you say?

I mean it seems a trifle odd

To compare a sofa with a bed.

I wonder if you love me, Stan?

Stan said,Doctor you’re a man!

I only love the sweeter sex!

Dr Browne looked very vexed.

Doctor I never knew before.

You are gay.,Oh,zut alors!

Yes,but I am very chaste.

I never go below the waist.

So you just hold hands and kiss?

Yes,my man,it’s utter bliss.

But were do you meet your lovers gay?

I find them mainly on E-bay!

I place small adverts in the Times.

I joined a club for tasting wines.

Some I meet by chance alone.

Can’t you settle on just one?

I feel that lifestyle can’t go on.

But you are unfaithful to your wife?

You do not lead a saintly life!

Oh,Mary is not keen on sex,

She sits in bed and sends out texts.

Once our Lyra had been born,

She treated me with utter scorn!

Then I met my mistress Anne.

I went next door to ask for jam.

She came out and took me in.

Do you think that was a sin?

I’m not God, I do not judge.

He gave Stan‘s arm a little nudge.

Don’t you want a tiny hug?

Who knows,it may scare off that bug!

So Stan and Dr Browne embraced.

I assure you it was completely chaste.

Stan went off to make hot drinks

While Dr Browne admired his Quinks.

Do you use a fountain pen?

I use my Shaeffer now and then.

I got it when I went to college.

Through that pen has passed much knowledge.

But now my mind has gone quite blank.

I’d like to be completely frank.

Was my learning utter waste?

Not at all,it kept you chaste.

While you had your head in books,

It kept attention from your looks.

But now you’re empty,Je t’adore.

With that he made for Stan’s front door.

Stan was gobsmacked by this visit.

He called to Emile:Oh,what is it?

Even though I’m 93

All I meet want to love me!

The English are mainly very queer.

Oh,said Emile,Oh,dear,dear!