Tag: nonsense

My boyfriend is black from the dead : and other unlikely notions

    Homer was a barrier to progress.Sorry,he was a barrister  for the homeless
    I ban heart breakers from any rights
    My boyfriend came back from the dead as God said he’s not cooked properly yet.I can’t believe it!He was simmering with rage for days.
    He gave me a crap handed compliment.In briefs and his own best vest,he insulted me to my face and about my face!Why can’t he look down?
    He will be black in a sec in the old coal miners ballroom
    Should one put the horse onto the saddle?
    Oh,back it up and leap on
    My mum was a back seat driver;she had long arms and long sight,you see.I don’t see so I drive from the front…
    I said, are you a backstabber.and he stabbed me in the chest but only with a drawing pin.
    And what a draw it was…women love to tend to me.God may know why.I am not handsome but I have that special,Je ne baise moi!Well the French never wash and look at them…like rabbits.
    Now children, we are back to squaring one again.It’s the only number equal to its own square and it has two square roots.It sounds like my husband,if you catch my implicit meaning,Now implicit functions,that is a deep topic in higher mathematics.. or should we say,lower mathematics as we are mixing the similes too much not to mention the cliches and the metaphors.It’s like Greek to me.Thank God I know no Hebrew…it would be such a strain on my brain.

    Backs to the drawing boards.the artists fought off the invading poets to no avail.Now all the pictures have titles…… just like the Royal family.What a joy.

    Back to the salty pines on Holkham Beach…. a good place to get lost and even meet the Queen
    What is a backhanded compliment for? Answer briefly and fully without loosing in a thesaurus… not that you common people have them….THUD.Another right wing teacher is struck down by God…. or rather it was a catapult with a brick but I saw they used them in the Bible so it’s ethically acceptable I believe.Yes,I do
    Ah come off? Now come on.Alot of the Bible is vicious….cutting off men’ s hair…Why di9d Samson have long hair… no=one I know around here does.Beards,yes.Hair…. not much.
    And even beards have drawbacks.Washing them is a burden…could you have a false one like a wig?Here’s where I may have got a bright idea!

  
   
   

Never say logic again.

English: A schizophrenic patient at the Glore ...
English: A schizophrenic patient at the Glore Psychiatric Museum made this piece of cloth and it gives us a peek into her mind. Русский: Вышивка, сделанная пациентом, страдающим от шизофрении. Экспонат психиатрического музея Глор, Миссури. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Schizophrenia (Wayne Shorter album)
Schizophrenia (Wayne Shorter album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My foreign students said I was too warm to be British,so turn off your heating now or face  execution as a  traitor.

What people forget is we Brits are a mixed race… then we have the nerve to call people,wogs,dagos and foreigners.we are all foreigners here apart from the Welsh.

Some students told me their dreams;s,anything to avoid algebra!

I  personally found quantum theory helps to avoid emotional overspill…

and topology  is useful for dressmakers

Dreams and love are all very well… if you are a millionaire.Till then keep on with figures,asymmetry and words.

Friends are no use unless you are a real person.Whatever she is.

Schizophrenia is to some extent cowardliness………….keep your feet on the ground and say straight out what you mean without entering into wordplay,fey ways,being a seer and seeing how life veers.It’s all absolute bullshit.Only not all bulls are male.

Some bulls are e-male.

Depression is mainly the result of being driven.So give up the chauffeur and take your time.

Some loose women are fast  and vice versa.Isn’t logic trying?

I was so thin  when I began lecturing I got half fare on the bus and I was 25.So studying keeps you young.Never say,Dirac,again.

I was so thin then I bought children’s clothes but now I am  twice the size.Then they said I might have TB,now they say I could get diabetes.Take your pick……there’s something in me that will never take the middle way.My middle gets in the way.

We all eat too much considering how little we do.Bring back the scrubbing  board,brush and hard green soap.But if I eat less I faint…. what an ‘orrible feeling as your vision shrinks to a pinpoint and you sweat all over but more on the top of the head…. and you throw yourself onto the floor… or the ceiling.

Once we were having a meal with another couple…with one of those heated plate things on the table.I passed out and for years they talked about it.They divorced later and blamed me!Still,I gave them something to talk about so maybe I helped.

If you get disturbed stop introspecting and sweep the floor or the pavement.Do useful things with your hands and help others.Be polite even if you think they are the Devil

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I took out a new lease on his wife.She’s an agony plant

Husbands & Wifes
Husbands & Wifes (Photo credit: nerosunero)

=She has nerves on wheels,

He’s a male biter despite her

She got a male writer for Xmas.He was faking it as they got laid.So there was a sense of anti-climax
As naked as a ladybird.she has no shame but she got spots all over her face.Did she deserve it?
As wicked as they say when you had horns.
Near and dear to my tart was a cream jug filled with hot gravy.It was only a treacle tart to me but to her it was a hot dinner
Necessary evil is good
Rapacity under the cover of  contention
Nerves  have weals
Who was as nervous as a cat on a hot thin woof?
I am as nervous as a naked Serbo-Croat in a room full of people who speak only Franglsh
Never pull off tomorrow what you can ease off today.Start slowly by taking off your shorts.Keep your hair on!

If you never get dressed,you need never undress.How about a bath a day?
I took out a new lease on his wifeShe is frilled.

Can any man police my wife?
You are my ruby,my little JoobieIt was only a google doc to me,but to him it was a hole in the heart
Nice guys finish  off  with the women and the women are full of grate
They are like a fright a day in that office.They can’t use Word,they hate Office suite and now they have burned the Zoho Docs.I never saw anything so like you in all my horny prayers .

He bought me an apron for Xmas so I fried it for his dinner.That will do the trick… next year he may give me a sausage.

And no,I never made a  Freudian slip in my wife.

He wants to borrow my life!

Cliche
Cliche (Photo credit: Vermario)

He thinks dreams are the elixir of a wife….. not that he was ever conscious in the true sense of the Word.

What was the Incarnation?Was it long life milk?

Why does bread rise in one hour?

Put that in your wife and joke about it!
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A cliche at play keeps the doctor away

 First mew phome pics 007

She’s as easy  to hug as  kissing a bee on the lips
Life’s not as easy as being able to see ghosts smoking
I feel uneasy as  you make my mind sick
Oh,Ted,Go eat Crow
Beat lead.Buy a  fountain pen today.Qouink!
He sits like a corpse at a wedding for dummies
Shall we beat my cat… or hunt hares?Is cruelty good?
It’s  a  treat  to  see your gun;catch my swift?
Why not eat your own dog’s food and leave mine for me.It’s all I have
Eight hundred men caught one gorilla which took a bus into town..Now he’s been given a free Mass in the cathedral.Sorry  a Free Bus Pass ex cathedra
Why no elephant in your room? Are you in need of brass monkeys?
Are you on  an imaginative roller coaster?Join our club for the highly  weird person

Do you ever eat a meringue? Je ne sais qua?I know you ate  French.

Fry me tonight.

Do you often change your sheets in the middle of a sentence?

Does the knight jar you/

Why is sympathy so rare?

Let them eat croissants…

I say.who is David Cameron,anyway?

My Friend is half Jewish.She has those dark yet lustrous eyes….
Now you must empathize with the wrong willed yet able to get the country off my knees.
I say, an empty flattery battery.How discharming
The cat ate my enchillado so I shall eat its mice on rice fried dinner…..take that!Sweet revenge
I said re your novel, Send over the end,not,Go round the bend!How can you work that way.. it’s real neat,you say.On your way
These friendless words are neglected so I shall eat them.Or shall I swallow the dictionary?
The agenda   fructifies  my daydreams into real works of art.. or cunning at least.
Even a wild squirrel finds a beefburger and fries good once in a while
Are you feeling even hotter?Keel over and I’ll snatch you up.I can’t wait.I love your dough so.Give me oil for my lamp keep me churning…. no more spurning
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I can’t breathe with you , my doom.

Foster Bible Pictures 0067-1 Moses Is Holding ...
Foster Bible Pictures 0067-1 Moses Is Holding Up His Rod (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Pin Index Safety System
Pin Index Safety System (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Grass
Grass (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)
Pin Index Safety System
Pin Index Safety System (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Has crime harassed your lies?
Wracked bladders are too good mannered.Don’t hang on,he urged me.
Sated with breath he put his lungs on standby as we got  laid in a field
Baptism by liars sets you up for life on earth.

Safety Pin Spinnerbait with a tandem blade con...
Safety Pin Spinnerbait with a tandem blade configuration; a Colorado blade mounted ahead of an Indiana blade. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Communion with the quaint is a beginning and confirmation is another gnostic reminder.
Do we need seven acrimony’s anymore?Sacrament,we lament.Who shall repent?
Beauty is wry for the beholder
Loyalty is like a safety pin on a tiger’s head.
Now we need to be paranoid and the calm are the mad of society.
A fig tart helps one to care less and end consolations in the bathroom
Do you tease me in your heart?
Does my heart taste good since you cooked my goose?
He was depriving me daily so I sleep with him annually instead
Endless sentences issued from his finger tips as he slept leaning over the keyboard.His unconscious never heard of a semi-colon or a
black dot that one might fall down unwittingly
Every dog has his day and he has a dog’s dinner every night.Is that enough or do we need Deconstructing?
Everything’s coming up wearing pantyhoses.Modest plants
We fell wed over a meal in an Inn.Not out!
Sin falls through the lax
I fan old flames till they disperse
Grass is always more seemly on the brother’s side of the road
I hang in a chair
Saying have a heart implies you have one that’s disconnected but suppose he has none?
A heart breaker struck me down in the desert.He felt sorry for himself he agreed.He thought he was playing pass the parcel but doom is still scaring him…even after sharing it by force
heavy heart
i can’t breathe with you in my room
i can’t live without your absence
i love you more than a pickled beetroot but not that much
in the nick of a rhyme he came and went at once or maybe twice
Sweep your chin up if nothing else
Missing the rose he peed on the daisy chain… then he pulled it.Who’d to blame?
Looking into his heart I saw nothing,not even a space.Howzat?It’s not cricket.

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Catcher of the awry

Stick deodorant (blur)
Stick deodorant (blur) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
John Deere 1710D Eco III
John Deere 1710D Eco III (Photo credit: Màrtainn)

Face with color 3

I’ve got a pain in my aspirations,doctor.
Tainted yourself into a corner again?
Buy a deodorant at once.
The choice is yours.To smell or not to smell?That is my prediction
Pandora’s locks…..can you break them?
He capers all over me,doctor.Shall I woo him or do him in?
Are you expedient in these heart shatters?
Yes,Ive gone as mad or madder
A shapely tiger got loose and entranced the crowd till it ate me.
You who have eyes to see,be mateful.
John passes all ways,all gays and all plays… is he incorrect?
Will you pass the cat around now?
She passed by with such trying colors.
She crossed me with crying horrors and more unknown tomorrows..
Let me doubt now, if you tease.
He always took the path of least persistence.And he did so very hell for himself.
She felt the wrath of his insistence.
She knew the path of his consistence.
She has become partially discontentinent ..do you have any disposable happiness on sale here ?
Their love affair is pay as you row.They will soon be wealthy.
Let me not to the flurries of true passion admit a calmness.
What is love if not a plaster?Present dearth is no mean grafter
Catcher of the awry.
Pun your way to Heaven and meet all the writers there

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My soul looks for new insight

By a  lonely stone,I wept,for I knew
My hoping tool had gone
My soul was a widow
Whichj  groaned
My whole being was on fire for
My whole had  made him stare,yet
My soul reached doubt in the night
My soul looks for new insight,yet
My stomach was tied up with bots from the computer and I felt very queer

My tears fell like pain
My blundering sole fell out of the ftying pan….
No one undervalues tea
No one true love is perfect
She wore pearls  strung on twine

If it’s fission you lack

Chirikov equation
Chirikov equation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The Grand Challenge Equations: San Diego Super...
The Grand Challenge Equations: San Diego Supercomputer Center (Photo credit: dullhunk)
Téléportation quantique
Téléportation quantique (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
English: Paul Dirac with wife, July 1963 at Co...
English: Paul Dirac with wife, July 1963 at Copenhagen Deutsch: Paul Dirac mit Gattin, Juli 1963 in Kopenhagen (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I am so deeply cynical about you,

I am full of love,hateful but true.
But you don’t even email me.
You hold so negatively
To Hawking’s view
About quantum field theory.
You are up the South Pole,
You swallowed his theory whole.
I am lost in the Northern Lights.
I even miss those fights.
I hope a white polar bear
will drag me to it’s lair,
Then I shan’t have to think any more
About Paul Dirac and Tony Blair.
If I’m so caring towards you,
Can’t you love a little too?
I’ll accept String theory,
If it means so much to you.
I wish the square root of three
Less irrational could be,
Because you are irrational enough for me
Especially when you miss your tea
Your blood sugar is too low
you are diabetic you know!
Oh, don’t leave me again
Not now just when
I have at last understood,
I too am flesh and blood.
I’ll do anything to win
Your affection again.
I can learn any branch of topology
Or Aquinas‘ difficult theology.
I’ll even learn how to fly,
And take you up in the sky.
Why can’t we try?
Is my life a black lie?
I’ll do all that I can
If you’ll believe I’m a man.
This could be the Garden of Eden
But you are leaving me grieving.
We could start a family
If you were not so cynically,
Pressing all the wrong keys.
Oh,do love me please!
Hate me too if you like,
Ambivalence is alright,
Especially at night
When the full moon is bright.
What a special sight,
When we switch off the lightI shall get permissionFor nuclear fusion
But if it’s fission you lack,
Who am I to hold you back?
We’ll go up with a scream,
That’s all my whole life has been.

Lonely - Touching Space

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It runs in the family

Zebras
Zebras (Photo credit: flöschen)

 

photo1049_001Oh,yes,I do lovely handwriting

Just like my dad.

It runs in the family

And I like chip sandwiches with butter

It runs in the family.

No,I can’t do cryptic crosswords.

Or enigmatic looks.

It runs in the family.

I read too many clever books

Instead of earning money.

It just runs in the family.

Yes,we are all music freaks.

We listen to Schubert and Schoenberg all night.

It runs in the family.

We are all impolite.

But we can’t help it cos

It runs in the family.

Yes,we all use four letter words,

It’s a free country,besides,

It runs in the family!

And no we can’t write poetry,you see

Writing doesn’t run in my family.

But,we all practice monogamy,

So far,though, unsuccessfully,because

Adultery runs in the family.

Which puts a slightly different complexion on the phrase

“It runs in the family”

But, alas,all of my ancestors are dead.

It runs in the family!

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Nonsense at bedtime

cat
cat (Photo credit: Kenny Teo (zoompict))
English: Bust of Nero at the Capitoline Museum...
English: Bust of Nero at the Capitoline Museum, Rome (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Image

Call it a day…. to a depressed i person it seems like a century,even a millenium,

So being depressed prolongs life!
I called off the frogs,but they didn’t speak English so they were all over her supine body.
I called her a bitch on the warpath so now  I sleep in the coal shed.
Call  her the hottest woman in the town and she’ll wonder how you can know
Can it bark?Can it  teach exponential nonsense? It’s a brain dogImage
I had can of worms  on and my wife ate them raw…… made me feel dead  weird.
I said ,can  dogs bite,not I want a pint!But since you asked….I’ll have five pints and the dog will have a pot of tea with no sugar.Bedankt voor yer mutter
She smiled as she opened her can of charms….she keeps them hidden deep
Why can’t you have your snake and beat it ?
Why do they say I can’t hold a candle to his ex-wife?I’ll hold an electric fire to her…I’m evil now as being good harmed me.. and how!
I can’t nudge a dirty  book  under  the bed cover since we got a duvet.What is the answer?
  I can’t learn to swim without seducing his daughter…I mean,warming the water!
I can’t say anything rough about him, you know…. he’s got a big fist and I have two black eyes already.I can’t have three!
You can’t tease blood out of a  hare’s lip… ..don’t you have yur own blood?
You can’t teach an old bag like me new tricks,so it’s the missionary’s precision.
Can  a woman carry a sunbeam?It’s light and they’re fantasticImage
  Because of the dancer flaming  up on stage. a fire was lit and it was like Nero was back on earth.I even played my violin.Actually it was a cello but the heat shrank it..I am being dishonest.It only became a viola.The strings are just one octave above the cello’s
He gave me £100   per stroke….now he’s paralysed
Cash in on your hips and have a baby
Cash is flung out daily from the top window… then  it’s blowing in the wind,as it were
Gnash your teeth again please.then say cheese.
Winter casts a long shadow on me… it’s my fiancee following my ass
The cat got my wedding ring.I was totally mute… then I said,Are you getting married and the cat answered:Well a cat may look at a ring!I hope the cat leaves my mobile phone alone.?I saw her kiss it once when it played,Sally,Sally,queen of our alley,you’re more than my whole world to me
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Tears in your eyes

Autumn 2013 070Until the very end of time I’ll be loving you.
Until the end of all my rhymes,I’ll be writing you.
Until the day I die,I’ll be unintentionally annoying you.
Older and older,I’ll never leave you,but I will,no doubt, grieve you and deceive you,misperceive you.
Otherwise I’ll think of you,wink at you and make a hyperlink to you
Still,for ever,I’ll be all over you..looking for fleas in your floes, and
B’s in your Y’s.
I’ll be looking for tears in your eyes
and making you feel surprised.
That’s a love poem,innit?
Well,innit?
Wot!I’m British,innit!
Oh, geddit!

Please make a full answer with brevity

Lear Book of Nonsense 101.jpg
Lear Book of Nonsense 101.jpg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
North America and Pelican Nebulae (narrowband)
North America and Pelican Nebulae (narrowband) (Photo credit: DJMcCrady)

Is keeping a blog a necessity?
Is reaping the whirlwind atrocity?
Please make a full answer with brevity
Or my wits may explode with sheer levity.

Is marriage a convenience like a lavatory?
Is washing the bed sheer depravity?
Please prove your email’s veracity.
Or my Company will be very nasty

Why do we sin with tenacity?
And have sex when we have no elasticity?
Do write down your thoughts without acidity.
And reflect your emotion in tranquility.

A game is such fun when in amity
And is fair except when played in emnity.
Please kiss your own arse with great dignity.
I speak here in jest without bigotry

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No twit left unmourned

Lear_Book_of_Nonsense_111-.jpg
Lear_Book_of_Nonsense_111-.jpg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Naked as an obscene word
Baked like a mocking bird.
Faked like a plastic turd, he fitted in well to this Government of Mules.
Naked is the way I feel adorned.
Fear and tears filled my heart
Fires in tiers made the men start
Flowers in beer made fine running art
A accessory evil…an it bag.
What is a nit bag,mother?
Obscenity is the love of what no one mentions.
Obscenity is not loved by many conventions
My nerves danced the reel.Imagine how you’d feel with your heart in your  left bunion.How  the ventricle?

Lear Book of Nonsense 103.jpg
Lear Book of Nonsense 103.jpg (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As impervious as a man on a shit bin roof with a leaden heart on his back
As nervous as a slighted man in a room full of mocking whores.
As nervous as an unread look on she whom you adore

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He makes me wet my elf daily.

English: Logo of No Nonsense
English: Logo of No Nonsense (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
centre
centre (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

All the praise has gone to  my tongue.

I feel very reimbursed.

Can I ring whine,whine whine,please?

Can I test  the Samaritans?

My face was read and I was flown to the door.

I was so nervous I bled .

The doctor never whistles for me any more.

She said I was the test!

He said,he’s  never hated a woman like me before.

There is always that first rhyme.Chime.

Does your bladder  make you frown?

He makes me wet my elf daily.

I  deranged his new duvet on the bed.

He was totally lighted

He  fainted me quite  naked.

She found cotton bulls handy

I was disseminating.I rest my case.It was my time off

MUSIC: 200603-200803 Listening History Graph
MUSIC: 200603-200803 Listening History Graph (Photo credit: Rev. Xanatos Satanicos Bombasticos (ClintJCL))

the runs

I am a rude model.

Is  it a portrait of  me as I might have dreamed?

Why do we get the runs when verbs take over?

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I’m au fait,you are auto da fe.

I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING ...
I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING … (Photo credit: mrbill78636)

What a toad of evil.Re laugh
Damned if you bare and damned if you swear.It’s obscene or a scheme for a wife.
He flinched at my heat and then did a runner.
Strangle a carrot and hunt for a whim.You will be deprived of words
He’s a cart horse trying to make out with a gazelle on steroids
The day came late when a follower took fright and I killed my blog by a blow
What is as dead as door mail?
Think not that the postman is no longer doing a service.
I am late as your dead cats pounced on me by the gate… for ghosts they sure can bite
Dead presidents don’t ring twice
You head wringer!You neck clinger!Leave me alone…don’t torture my verbs
I said it to give my defence not to give offence.Anyway he took offence and ran off
He gave a deadly flow to my brain..he savaged my self esteem.Now mt emotional intelligence has gone  too far
I’m au fait,you’re auto da fe
Health by a thousand cuts this winter in the NHS
I saw fear in his headlights…akka his eyes..
Dig for the cold bloggers in Iceland
Why dip your brow in the water when the horse won’t drink it?
Does dirt weep inside the vacuum cleaner and why do vacuums need cleaning?
You can have milk from my breast… how it got there is a mystery
Do words fly?
Does God ever cry?
And why?

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Lonely or human?

Ain't That Lonely Yet
Ain’t That Lonely Yet (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
General Practitioner Services
General Practitioner Services (Photo credit: the justified sinner)

You know when you are really truly lonely

when you haven’t even got any enemies

when your GP says only to go  there once a week

and so does the priest after hearing your fifth confession today

and you can’t go to A and E  as it’s closed down

and you help all old people blind or not across roads

and you go  to the dentist once a month even though you are broke and have only two teeth

and your mouth has dried up so you can’t speak

and your phone is dusty

English: Francisco Vallés Español: Francisco V...
English: Francisco Vallés Español: Francisco Vallés, médico personal de Felipe II. Grabado de 364 x 242 mm. Cobre; aguafuerte y buril, talla dulce. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

and your cat died but you had her stuffed

and you have paranoia because the world loves you

and you pray hourly

and you only dream of deserts

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The wrong end of the stick

1.Yes,Father.I killed a man with my bare hands..

My child,have you no gloves?

2.Oh,Father,I heard God is dead!

That Nietzsche! I’ll kill him.But he’s dead too

What do you mean,too?

3.Father,I have no sins to confess.

Have you no consideration for my needs?I look forward to your sins

I’ll try harder next week.I’ll sleep with my boyfriend.

Thanks so much.

4.Father I prayed in a Synagogue

That is not a sin

Thank Gog fort that.

But why did you do it?

My friend was polishing the floor…

Is she Jewish?

Yes, she’s descended from Solomon

I’ll take that with aa pinch of salt

Are you Jewish?They like salt beef.

You need lessons in logic.

Oh,no!I don’t want them.

Here they are.Swallow one syllogism morning and evening

Thank you,doctor

Lavender’s blue

Painted 2 My books and home 010

                  By Katherine  Marmalade October 2013

I made love to a tree with no leaves.
Well,I had no clothes on myself so I   was correct
And they say all is flair in love with a toy
Please make no groans about it
It was make love or break down for me
So don’t make out I am less than candid.
I made the glade at noon…on i tunes
And made tracks too in the grass.
I took some pics and caught no pox
I am not making it up really,it just comes in through a hole in my head
Don’t take to raving all night.I won’t heed you
And the tree trunk made your love seem out of sorts.
Why your love makes my blood feel like a coil of wire.
Faking leaves a lady aching!
Love is a phantasm with no orgasm.
No coronary spasm
is as good as a bird in a rush.
Too many books have spelled out wrath. for no reason
So roll your stone
and look for your marbles.
I’m aflame for a laugh…
That’s a free Plath for Hughes

Buy the Oxgrudge Fluke of English Birth free at Ram’s Inn
.

With anything in a skirt

Painted My books and home 010

Lamp and paper flowers by Katherine

To have your hose in my hair is very warming
No,not for all you see in her rhymes will I believe she’s a poet in a storm
He’s not just whistling pixie… he’s a real he man drinking whiskey
I am not playing with a bull with specs.It’s myopic…even mythaeopic
It is not the mightiest saying in the books.But it means so much if you love me.
Pascal was not keen to be the host of chance except for his famous wagers.
You are not the sharpest liar in the flock of men I meet weekly
I am not the harpiest wife to be the kitchen stabber
There is nothing impersonal in my love.I love you as warmly as if you were a piece of cake.In fact I prefer cake.
I have nothing to grieve at.. or with.My heart has fled and I am   just a bum
We had nothing to write poems about today…
just endless rain
on the window pane
made me think of you again
I love you and your brain
Yet love can bring such pain
And I barely knew your name
When will my love wane?
My heart was once so tame
Now it feels inflamed
I’ve got arthritis in the brain
Very stiff and in such pain.
Well.at least he came
I’ll miss his little game
And he cracked the window frame
And half a hundred panes.
My hair was once a mane
But I feel whiskey is profane.
I look like a real Jane.
I had nothing up my sleeve but I had a pin inside my skirt
To prick them where it hurts.

I hate the men that flirt

With anything in a skirt

Remember any poetry

Which poetry do you remember without trying to learn it?I remember Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll…author of Alice in Wonderland and Island by W H Auden.Also the Lady of Shalott and some of Wordsworth and Shakespeare.I wonder why those?I am glad I did learn some by heart but sometimes my heart has learned them by itself!!

God’s not on a map

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    I bought a brand new A to Z.
    I bought a map of Wales.
    I roamed around the whole day long
    Despite the snow and gales.
    I bought the Ordnance Survey too
    of all of the UK
    I looked at maps on Amazon
    and even on E Bay
    I studied charts of Greenland
    And Africa and France
    I talked to expert geographers
    Who looked at me askance.
    Borneo or Burma?
    Malaysia or Spain?
    Where does Father Brown say..
    I must read his books again
    But giving up, I came back home
    And lay down for a nap
    Suddenly it came to me!
    God’s not on a map.

Well,Jesus had no cassock!

Pray Father,give me your guessing.

My guessing!Don’t you mean my blessing.

Oh,probably.Possibly..who knows.

So have you any sins to tell me?

Yes,I broke a glass jug.

Whose was it?

It was mine,Father.

Surely it’s not a sin to break your own jug?

It is if you hit yourself on the head with it!

What made you do that?

I was angry with myself…I had been committing effrontery.

Do you mean adultery?Your main problem seems to be bad language.

No,Father I never say” Fuck”

You just did.

Well I had to do.I had no choice!

That’s what they all say…if only I heard some original sin I’d find life more interesting.

Well,it’s hard to think of anything original to do especially if it has to be a sin too.

You are just not using your creativity.

All right Father,Put your hands up.i’ve got a gun.

Where did you find that?

In my wife’s handbag.

Now we are getting somewhere.. that’s threatening a priest,interfering in your wife’s privacy and stealing a gun.Any other sins?

I could shoot you,I suppose.

No.no!That is going too far.

Shall I slap you?

No… just say something rude to me.

Your sermons are the most boring I have ever heard.

Well,that’s enough…I’ve never been so insulted in my life.

You have been very lucky then… you should hear what people say to me!

Well,you are both ugly and unintelligent.I don’t know how you had the nerve to marry.

I had no choice.She forced me.But I gave in quickly in case she changed her mind.

And you have seven children.

No, they are not all mine,And they are Jewish.

How can they be Jewish.

My wife is Jewish!

I thought she was just a lapsed Catholic.

No,she’s Jewish but not even an arranged marriage could be arranged for her so she used her imagination and decided an overweight ugly Catholic would be grateful for her love,

And are you grateful?

Yes, and so are all her lovers!

Who are they?

The curate is one of them and has two children .. they look just like him too.

And does she want them raised as Jews?

She just let’s them rise naturally and go with the flow.

Do they have to wear hats?

Only in the Synagogue!

Are you Jewish too.

Yes,it’s quite handy as we have Sabbath on Saturday and then we have Sunday on Sunday if you see what I mean.

I never met anyone who practised two religions before.;

Well,I figured it would double my chance of salvation!

Well. I must speak to the Rabbi.For your penance you must give £50 to Homeless at Xmas.

Am I absolved.

If you stay any longer you’ll be dissolved!

Thank you,Father.

And take that gun away.I don’t want it.

I can get you a good price for your cassock.

Why,thank you,my child but I need it.

Well,Jesus had no cassock!

Well, he was a  Jew…I am a Catholic.

Now,that makes me think.

Think what?

About the Vatican…

Let’s not go there,

Shalom

Cliches that got mixed up

But the shoal in my head swim all night,doctor.What shall I do?

Marry an angler,madam.

Will he catch them?

No,but he will take your mind away
But am I whole,doctor? What would it mean? Can you tell?

Yes,half of you is in the waiting room.

Wow…is it my soul?

I fear so,dear.
Shut your coal in the cellar in case Mrs Thatcher’s ghost passes and sees it

She will privatize you and send police to thwart you.
I  butted his wrath into another dimension.
I was sick as a  water phobic frog on  the rocks
Stick to death of the government
  I was wined, sealed yet bothered to care for him

Was he there for you?

No,but he was bare for me.
Silence  in  the home is an old idea

So why did it not work?

We need to talk
Silence is good for your hearers

But they will not be hearers anymore!

A paradox.
  Do you sing like  you are blurred?

Get your larynx tested.
 it?

Try for a sort of controlled uncontrol

 

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And here are Pandora’s socks,Professor Smith,quipped,as the female student in the front row fell asleep whilst sitting upright in a large armchair.
And I also have Achilles’ heel here.
Now for your project,I want you all to say Three Hail Mary’s.
A large bee stung my ass and I awoke and coughed up my soul onto the bed.
Get back inside,I cried.Keep my whole,give me oil,keep me churning.
Alright,it muttered calmly.Don’t lose your head.
I have it well screwed on,I responded.
This is a surprise to see you.
Well,since Pandora lost her socks all the souls have been getting loose from their bodies.Women…why do they lose their socks so much?
After that,the doctor called.
Hi, he screamed.
For God’s sake,don’t do that,I shouted
I’m not dead you know..even though my blood pressure is zero.He smiled and handed me a blood sugar monitor.
Here you are,this will cure your pneumonia.
What about my new mania?
What is that?
I am interested in spirals…
Keep it under control.
The whole point of mania is to be out of control
Try for a sort of controlled uncontrol,then.my dear,he murmured.
What a clever idea,I told him.Goodbye
I swallowed the test kit and it cured the pneumonia immediately.Yet I had to have surgery to extract it.So the cure was no better than being hung by bees.
Honey,you are my honey,honey…how I need you so.Never let me go.

Prey all day

Try to be cruel to cliches.

Plug into   yourself  and   write with- electro-dynamic power

You are a like a  chilblain  on my back; real ,hurting but impossible to reach

She faints into the audience when on stage,so her career has nose dived

She was always too kind to her others.Self obliterating to the point of non -existence.Her sister, on the other hand, needs assertiveness  draining.

And these are Pandora’s socks,the professor quipped naughtily as the  stunned  female student dozed in the lecture hall.

Can I drape myself over you? he asked manfully waving a trilby over his head.

Don’t worry… it’s just a paper tiger for the Bull,they were told

I  am bared for the  golf course and hunting for  your balls she said balefully

They wasted away to infinitesmals. Anorexcalculia

I’ll pass on your gnus to  anyone passing

Pass on  the luck to those  who breed

I’ll pass the hat to Mr.Schwartz as he wears hats all ways..even on his feet now and Zen.He’s  Jewish Buddhist you see.It’s all the rage in him and his pals

They chased  me with flying terrors until I stared them all in their I’s.

Shall we pray as we flow ?

He pays lip service to any woman however thin her lips may have become with age,rage or natural wastage.

I prayed for  the piper but where is my I-tune?

Praying through the nose is a weird idea but I’ll try anything once.Is that Zen too?

The playback  was pinched by a witch’s cat.

I hurl myself on her  before  the wine.She likes to break things up  a bit.

We are like leaves in  God’s gales.It’s the Spirit moving over the face of the water that haunts her.One could almost say it taunts her.

British Grammar

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My last boyfriend went from adoration to disillusionment  with me in two weeks

That’s pretty fast!

Apparently I was not fast enough.

You’re better off without that sort.

So,how about someone who loved,adores and worships you for six months before throwing you out like an old newspaper?

You should have let him read between the lines!

Be serious.I am deeply wounded,disjointed and falling into despair

But you only knew him for two weeks

But we spent every night and day together.

Always a mistake.Has he no job?

Yes,he’s hoping to seduce a rich widow.

So how did he get into your arms?

He imagined I looked very rich and was ready to shoot my husband.

But you have no husband

It’s all hypotheatrical.

You mean hypothetical?

Aren’t words odd when you stare at them for a long time?

Like men!

Never stare at a man or he will wonder if you fancy him…

What’s wrong with that/

What you need is a man who’s less impulsive.A slower kind of man..
Not these men who go through you like a dose of salts and leave you tied to the lavatory.

He never tied me to a lavatory

No he left you tied to 100 boxes of paper hankies.

It was so thoughtful of him tp bring them

You could say that

That!

Oh,you are so funny.I just adore you.Tell me,have you ever fancied another woman?

Another than what?

Yourself!

I don’t fancy myself.

What a pity!

Why?

It takes the waiting out of wanting!

Like a credit card

Think about it

I already think too much

Oh,well,come here and I’ll show you what a woman can do for you

Er, sorry,,, I have an appointment..

With whom?

My dentist.

Don’t tell me you are going out with him.

No,we are staying in

Well,you are a fast worker

I have to be as they all leave me so soon

There’s a moral here.

You write it down and show me tomorrow…

I see… off to see how comfy his new dental chair is

I always thought a dentist would be good for a sado-masochistic relationship… or bad of you catch my drift.

I think you are an absolute fool.Will you never learn

What@

To be more discriminating

No,I’ll be incriminating..discrimination is a crime

Whom shall you incriminate

The dentist.. whom else?

My,our English grammar is coming on.

Now we have to call it,British grammar.

But we have no language called British!

British English!

I blame Human Rights Legislation

Oh,give over.It was that common market…I blame de Gaulle!

And that is the end of

“Thoughts for Today” on the BBC Home Service…. and what a service!

Learn stats with Stanley

Stan was teaching social statistics to a group of elderly neighbors.Since he was 109 it gave them all hope to see him demonstrating his prowess with various techniques.He was planning to do some logic and philosophy too.Annie was sitting by the door so she could answer the bell if any paramedics turned up for tea.
I’m not going to calculate ” the standard deviations” he murmured.”I just want you to grasp the general purpose.”
“Deviation,they’re not normal are they?” enquired his neighbor “Henry,an ex-English teacher.”So how can they be standard.It’s confusing..”
“Are you thinking of deviants?” Stan enquired calmly yet firmlililily.”Certainly not,at my age I’m a bit past that!””Still it adds a bit of excitement to the class.” he thought.
How do words in ordinary language relate to those in Statistics?”asked Henry kindlily.
“They are just more precisely defined in statistics.To say someone is a deviant is a rather vague term.”
“No,it’s not!My neighbor is a deviant.He always dresses entirely in yellow.”
“Well,that must be hard to do.Certainly unusual.” Stan agreed boldly.
“But in another country that might be the norm.So it’s a matter of context.In statistics it’s more boring.There’s a formula.It’s totally independent of context.Have you ever wondered why so many mathematicians have more than a touch of Asperger’s syndrome?”

“No,it’s not something that wanders through my mind much”replied Henry
A shudder passed through the room at hearing the word “formula“,which perhaps they considered something of a deviant!Anything with letters and numbers mixed together is certainly not welcome in many people’s minds, along with their more unusual sexual tastes,desires and inclinations which were kept secret even from themselves in many cases.

“Time for tea.” called Annie,hoping to divert their attention.She carried in a platter of mouse sandwiches kindly donated by the local ambulance service and some iced Victoria sponge she and Stan had made
the day before.
“Just a quick word about next week.We’ll take a look at ratios and proportions and maybe see how that relates to the concept of rationality.”
“That sounds fun!” Annie called encouragingly.Henry decided to act on a deviant desire and fell onto her lap.”Oh,dear!” she gasped loudly as the chair collapsed under her.”Why can’t you be deviant at home?”
“My wife won’t let me!” He kindlily answered.
“And look,” Stan continued,”we’ll have to ring 999.This chair is in fragments.I thought for one day we’d be able to avoid calling them out!”
“Well,life is not controllable.” said a quiet but fierce looking lady with sharp green eyes.”That’s what makes it tolerable“
She then greedily consumed a large piece of iced cake .
“I can stand the thinking if the cake is good” she whispered to her shy friend Amy.”That’s rather a feeble argument,”Amy retorted.”You can’t really compare cake and statistics.”
“I’ll compare anything I like!” the green eyed woman snarled loudly.
“You do what you like but you must keep a sense of proportion!”
“Now then,have you rung 999?” Stan queried of Annie.”Yes,here they are,and they’ve got a stretcher for the chair!”
“Well,that’s certainly unusual,even deviant“,Stan thought anxiously to himself.”Where do they get their funding? Is there a fund for distributing money to help chairs which are not

My tale

He never kissed my throat once.Neither did he cut it.

He was  a middle man,one might say.

Still two rooks made a good broth

And a rolling bone added some marrow.

Shall we hiss and break up?

Sometimes it’s cool to be kind.

As I was a roaming one night with my sling…

I saw an old vulture asleep on its wing.

Aren’t birds silly sometimes.Why does a vulture not have a nest?

That worries me when I wake up at 3 am with two men in my bed..

Can males not buy their own beds?It’s not love they want,it’s clean sheets!

That’s my tale anyway

New Books :Recently published

duck drawing 001

A tale of two Kitties   by Charlotte.Watt-the Dickens…. -[Humor]

Bores whom the Belle told off….. Ermie  Emingway {Irony,humor  and wrath for women]

I’m getting buried in the morning…Anne Viking [Biography and black humor]

God’s Frozen People:photographs of the people of the Far North …..edited by Peter Woolf  and his wolf [Photography]

Far From the  Maddening Town….Thomasina Hardy  [Biography and psychoanalysis stitched together in silk ]

Bitter Flames by  Sylvia Wrath   [Torments of adolescence in the USA in the post war era]

Dissuasion  by  Jane Ostentatious.  [Beautifully wrought novel  on a small scale]

The Folding Notebook by Horace Moorings [ Novel that set off the new political agenda for masculinity today’]

The Thrill of the Boss   by    Georgina   Sell- A -Lot :[Romance  and Sadism at work]

Poetry written behind  by Anne Ass [Wit and humor for the receptive]

Keep levitating by U.R.Guru  [Yogic Humor]

Empathy for Beginners   by  J.Christ [ Spiritual]

The Troy of Sex  by  Achilles Heel  [Humorous look at the trouble between the sexes in this day and rage]

Harassment and how to recognize it….. A Feminist [ Spoof guide book]

Textual Harassment… A.N.Other-Feminist   – [post modernist guide to  life for academics]

The Womendarins…. a recently found womanuscript by  Simone de Wovewore [Existential angst amongst women]

Police on earth and pud tidings for all men

I was sadder than a wet hen which is how I often feel when ill or  if I split infinities by accident
it was my utter nadir.The skin of my teeth peeled off and the nerves screamed like music written by a post modern composer.Still,it was free.
I make money by selling souls to wolves who listen at the door
Please nail my hat on if we get a blizzard.I can’t bare to lose heat
My main wish is for more police on Earth
I make a brake for my brain but my mind runs ahead
Can you make a long story tauter?
Take a mountain out of a mole hill and you will be in a hole!
Make an ass out of felt… it will feel good
Can one make ends meet or is it not logical?
Fake like you are a tree with leaves then shiver your timbers
I place no overtones in my verses.I like plainsong
It’s Mike or Jake for the Party
Why make out you found bliss in my tarts?
Do I make the grade as a wordsmiter?
I make tracks for wild animals, which adore me… the Beasts!
Can we make up and kiss our own throats?
Why make waves when it’s already windy on the lake?
Make your love permanent.Freeze it!

Dandelion clocks

Government Testing Base

Why clean when you could

Chase dandelion clocks round the garden
Tame some ants.
Photograph cobwebs.
Watch clouds go by.
Kiss you other.
Chase bugs out of your bed.
Save a spider from going down the plug hole.
Dust your hair.
Watch rain drops run down the window
Slip off the patio and break your collarbone
Drink cheap tea in A & E.
Fall off your bike.
Lose yourself in your thoughts
Go into a brown study
Read my lips.
Paint your face.
Look into a mirror
Sniff hot salt water up your nose
Any of the above?
All of the above?

Explain your choice in a short essay.
Or get stuffed.It’s a free country

What a joke!

What! A joke.

W.Hat,A Joke Esq.

What’s your game?