Stan is spying on his wife again

Photo1043

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    Mary was just running out of the front door when she realised she had not combed her hair.She looked around and found a small brush labelled,”For nubuck and suede shoes”.Peering into the old mirror she ran it though her gold and silver hair,powdered her nose with her Estee Lauder natural beige foundation in powder form and slapped some coral lipstick on with haste.. and accuracy.
    Right,that’s it,she thought.Enough to show willing.
    She met her old friend Maureen at the bus stop.
    Have you been seeing Joel again? Maureen asked naughtily.
    No,I’ll be damned if I see him again,Mary said shyly.He told me he was living alone in a large house up the hill,then I met him with his wife.Who was he trying to fool?
    Maybe he hoped you would not notice?
    Not notice what?
    Luckily the bus came down the road and stopped beside them.They jumped on and ran to the back. for a gab.
    Are you going shopping?Maureen asked.
    No,I am going to take some photos of the jazz band playing on the pavement by the bank… but I told Stan I was going to the pharmacy to buy some Vaseline….
    Why,does he not like you taking photos?
    Not when an old boyfriend of mine is in the band.
    Exactly how old is the boyfriend?
    About 69 I guess.
    Well he’s not that old!
    He is an ex I should have said.I knew him in primary school and used to ride his tricycle.He was my first love.We were only 5 years old.I think it was his red curls and the tricycle that attracted me… but we split up when we were 6.
    Surely Stan would not be jealous;it is 63 years ago,
    And to me it was like last year!Well. you know time does not exist in the Unconscious.
    How wonderful.
    Yes and no.Good memories can be there but also pain can seem as if it just happened even when it is from 50 years ago.
    Have you had a lot of men admiring you,dear?
    How would I know?There could be thousands if they were too shy to speak.
    You know what I mean!
    Not so many.. I had my second when we were 10.He had golden hair and long eye lashes and lots of games in boxes.He was very sweet but we were to young to be engaged so I decided to give men up and study mathematics instead as that has its own icy beauty…
    Wel,,nice meeting you.Have you dyed your hair;it’s got brown streaks.
    Oh,dear,Mary thought.Is it shoe polish? But who polishes suede shoes nowadays?
    Stan was following Mary on his Face Bike.He was watching her from behind the bike racks in front of the HSBC Bank…
    Mary had had many bikes in her life.. what would a fortune teller make of that,he asked himself.
    Still,she had no idea Stan was nearby as she wandered nonchalantly along the grey pavement in her Rosella dress and Gabor suede Mary Janes..
    Now then, where shall I go to take the photos,she thought…maybe I’ll sit outside this Coffee Shop and pretend to feel faint if anyone asks me to buy coffee…
    she opened her bag and took out her Kindle Paperwhite… she was reading,
    Creative Imagery and Healing… and also Cars and Peace by Leo Wholeshaw.. a futuristic novel set in North London.In the first chapter a grandmother has been beheaded in North London.
    That’s a bit far fetched,Mary had thought when she read it but in fact Wholeshaw had been right on the ball when he wrote his e book and self published it on Cramuzon for £3.89…I wonder if I’d like to write a novel Mary mused… just then she saw Stan on the other side of the road talking to a blonde bombshell dressed all in pink.
    I see,she thought.He didn’t know I’d be here as the pharmacy is half a mile away.
    who is watching whom?Well.the morals be lacking but my grammar is correct

 
 

Stan and Mary go shopping

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Stan and Mary went in town
To buy Stan a new dressing gown.
But he wanted a woollen one
In march that is not on.

The shops are full of summer clothes
But Stan’s not warm enough for those.
Mary likes to look around
But see how old Stan frowns.

So Mary says,I’ll go online
I’m sure I’ll find some fully lined
Made of wool and acrylic…
Them you can make your pick.

Thank you,Mary,you are kind
despite that brilliant,anxious mind.
I am the best dressed man intown
And soon I’ll have my gown.

Would you like cafe au lait?
I have my pension,I shall pay.
Very nice,dear Mary said…
I’d like a piece of bread.

Won’t you have a slice of cake?
I know it’s not quite what I make.
No,just plain bread,sweet Mary said
She then turned very red.

Mary,you look very hot
Is it healthy in this spot.
The central heating is too high…
She gave a weary sigh.

They drank their coffee and made jokes
About old folk who never spoke…
They bought some fresh fish for Emile..
They alway shop with zeal.
..
When they got home.Stan dialled Dave
Who told him he was very brave
and not to stand near a bus door…
Or he’d fall on the floor.
.
Oh,how i’d like to lie down there
With my mistress Annie fair.
but Mary is at home today
So i’ll just have to pray.

If you’re in pain and can’t have sex,
They say that prayer is second best
Morphine is so hard to get…
and it makes me feel sick.

So tomorrow Mary works
Stan and Annie have their perks
Dave calls round to bath the cat…
How obscene is that?

If you would like your cat washed
Or if your shopping has got squashed
Just dial 99999
The service is divine.

I took out a new lease on his wife.She’s an agony plant

Husbands & Wifes
Husbands & Wifes (Photo credit: nerosunero)

=She has nerves on wheels,

He’s a male biter despite her

She got a male writer for Xmas.He was faking it as they got laid.So there was a sense of anti-climax
As naked as a ladybird.she has no shame but she got spots all over her face.Did she deserve it?
As wicked as they say when you had horns.
Near and dear to my tart was a cream jug filled with hot gravy.It was only a treacle tart to me but to her it was a hot dinner
Necessary evil is good
Rapacity under the cover of  contention
Nerves  have weals
Who was as nervous as a cat on a hot thin woof?
I am as nervous as a naked Serbo-Croat in a room full of people who speak only Franglsh
Never pull off tomorrow what you can ease off today.Start slowly by taking off your shorts.Keep your hair on!

If you never get dressed,you need never undress.How about a bath a day?

I took out a new lease on his wifeShe is frilled.

Can any man police my wife?

You are my ruby,my little JoobieIt was only a google doc to me,but to him it was a hole in the heart
Nice guys finish  off  with the women and the women are full of grate
They are like a fright a day in that office.They can’t use Word,they hate Office suite and now they have burned the Zoho Docs.I never saw anything so like you in all my horny prayers .

He bought me an apron for Xmas so I fried it for his dinner.That will do the trick… next year he may give me a sausage.

And no,I never made a  Freudian slip in my wife.

He wants to borrow my life!

Cliche
Cliche (Photo credit: Vermario)

He thinks dreams are the elixir of a wife….. not that he was ever conscious in the true sense of the Word.

What was the Incarnation?Was it long life milk?

Why does bread rise in one hour?

Put that in your wife and joke about it!

It runs in the family

Zebras
Zebras (Photo credit: flöschen)

 

photo1049_001Oh,yes,I do lovely handwriting

Just like my dad.

It runs in the family

And I like chip sandwiches with butter

It runs in the family.

No,I can’t do cryptic crosswords.

Or enigmatic looks.

It runs in the family.

I read too many clever books

Instead of earning money.

It just runs in the family.

Yes,we are all music freaks.

We listen to Schubert and Schoenberg all night.

It runs in the family.

We are all impolite.

But we can’t help it cos

It runs in the family.

Yes,we all use four letter words,

It’s a free country,besides,

It runs in the family!

And no we can’t write poetry,you see

Writing doesn’t run in my family.

But,we all practice monogamy,

So far,though, unsuccessfully,because

Adultery runs in the family.

Which puts a slightly different complexion on the phrase

“It runs in the family”

But, alas,all of my ancestors are dead.

It runs in the family!

Blown away with your smoke

 ???????????????If I go I won’t tell you.

I’ll just disappear one day.

Like when a cigarette ,which seemed so long,

suddenly has become smaller

and you never noticed it

because you were talking

about the meaning of life

while life was somewhere else

blown away with your smoke

into the sky

and then dispersed

never quite visible again

but still floating on the breeze

hoping to be caught

in a butterfly net

but unable to communicate

except by flying.

If I go it will not be today

but it will be an ordinary day

no one will realise

that it’s that day

that the bird flies

from her nest

to go to a new place

only seeing the deserted nest

he realises,

my bird has flown

Maurice Saatchi talks about his wife Josephine Hart

Maurice Saatchi talks about his wife Josephine Hart

This is a very beautiful story.I only just found out the Saatchis are Jewish and were  born in Iraq.Like nearly all the Jews there they had to flee…and they’d been there 2,000 years .I knew one myself who was an economist.Josephine Hart did a lot to encourage enjoyment of poetry and she also wrote novels.The Saatchis are famous for their advertising agency….