The Stan saga.. a letter from Mary,author of “Wittgenstein’s cats”

Source: Kathryn

A letter

The Pilchards.

23,Sweetnames Avenue

Knittingham

Near Nottingham.

England

Dear Jane

Hope you are keeping well in this unusually cold spring weather.

Stan has had flu.It made him so bad tempered and waspish

that I took up the Duraglit polish and got him to polish all the brass,

except the front door knob, as that doesn’t come off.

Mind you,it made the bedroom smell odd… a mistake,perhaps.. so I sprinkled lavender oil around.

He seems to get thinner and I seem to get fatter.

So our average w eight remains constant.

What a relief.I’d like to be weighed as a married woman.Can you believe this..

I’ve got chilblains! It’s those dratted blood vessels of mine.

Still,I polished some old plum colored leather boots and wear them in the house.

We seem to be doing polishing frequently here.. boots,furniture,apples.

How is your new book “Nonsense:A.N.Whitehead and Lewis Carroll” coming on?

Hope it’s progressing….to a nonsensical but true ending

I’ve got a new book of poetry coming out in April [from Polar bears publishers]

It’s called,”An unpolished performance.”

My fourth book on Wittgenstein‘s cats is almost finished.

And the publishers can’t wait for the photographs…I’ll get a friend to do those for me!!

It gives me a change from all that polishing.

I’ve begun to talk to myself out loud…. in the street.Just seeing if I can still do my old Lancashire accent.

I suppose it might worry people but no one has said anything as yet.They may be afraid.

“That which is unsaid can,nevertheless,still be heard.

Stan is still involved romantically with Anne, our next door neighbor.

I can’t blame him as chilblains and Wittgenstein not very romantic.

When I think of how we used to be,it makes me smile and feel sadness too.

I wonder if I can find someone new for a romance,myself… someone with Asperger’s syndrome

possibly…as I’ve just been diagnosed.It’s quite common in mathematicians.It may be an advantage in concentrating a lot

I need a boyfriend with weak eyes as my clothes are all full of moth holes and I’m damned if I’m going to buy new ones.

I can’t see well enough to darn but I’ve sewn the holes up neatly thus giving a strange pleated effect to my clothes.

On my merino wool knitted trousers, one hole was right on the ass.It looks now as if I’ve been shot in the rear…

but I can’t see it.So it does not exist.Sometimes in the past I would iron on those motifs like

butterflies…but I think it would look odd having a butterfly just there…. or indeedanything else like wild ros

I could make a little sign saying”Keep clear,from my rear.This is a hole where a moth scored a goal.”

Still,not many people are going to look there now I hope…. I seem to have stopped knitting but am still drawing.

Meantime I’ve just ironed some of my winter clothes as it’s dank and chilly and am planning to iron all my pink and blue knickers now as I believe it kills any germs left when you wash at 30 deg.I got those colours in case I should

change sex or is it gender?I wonder if I should iron the sheets?Could I do it while they are on the bed?

I don’t wash them much as it wears them out and me too. I am going to take up baking again because Stan is getting so thin.

I fancy a Russian cheesecake as it had a lot of protein in it.

I have a genuine Russian cookbook and also am waiting for a delivery of a

Jewish cookery book as I have lost mine..no it fell down onto my head last week

God only knows where that came from.

but I believe there were good cheesecakes as Jewish cooking has much in

common with Russian,perhaps because once many Jews lived in Russia.I just

made friends with one here….he is charming and like me he hates golf.

I have got almost all the Penguin cookery books ever printed but mislaid a

few.In fact it’s quite hard to get into the kitchen

with all these books on the shelves.And a little food.I was comforted to read that the parent’s of John Burra,the artist,

had books piled every where in their large house….and he was very untidy too.

So all I need is talent and practice and I’ll be an artist.

After all,anyone can be untidy but not everyone will practice their Art.

I’d like to practice the arts of love.They say you should love your neighbor as yourself,

but personally I prefer the neighbor or even the milkman to myself.

Meanwhile I’m happy with Emile our cat and my 500 photos of Wittgenstein. I shall make Stan a lemon sponge pudding.

That is the love he wants…Food.”If music be the food of love

I’ll cohabit with a pure white dove.

And while he coos and sings for me.
I’ll try not to :fall out of the tree,
Get stung by a bee,
Have psychotherapy
Make more enemies,
Let my thought free,
Hurt my knee.
Let moths frighten me.

Well,time for some tea.

Now Jane, please write to me soon.

I love to see your so strangely beautiful handwriting alluring me to open the letter and to hear about Whitehead and Cambridge and all the weird dons. I hope it’s not too damp and cold there near that river.

Keep warm and make a note of any intriguing happenings to relate to me. And anything beautiful you can see or hear.I hope Edward is writing regularly..where is he doing his research now… did you say Stanford?Maybe you should install Skype..then again,perhaps not as you would have to wash your hair too much… and comb it too…perhaps we could wear wigs.

Do write soon,dear one,Love always,Mary.

I have a little lamb

I’ll stick with Thee…fast falls the chill of night
Send me an angel,I need something bright.
I have no fear,with Thee I’ll be alright.
Why not succumb and put in electric light?

Large now or small.It matters not what size.

All that now matters…must be our Lord God’s eyes.
In their sweet light,I’ll love my neighbour’s wife
As she seems unhappy with almost all her life.

I do not mean to fornicate or lust.
No,I’ll calm her gently and I’ll earn her trust.
I’ll cook their dinner,so she takes a rest…
Then when the evening comes I’ll sit my test.

Do they eat meat?I have a little lamb…
If not I think there is some well cured ham.
I’ll cook nine veggies as we are advised
That will definitely bring us to Eternal Life

New Bible Story

And it came to pass that they ate their dinner
and that she did washeth up.
And she did leave the dishes to drain
Whilst she put on the washing machine.
and the man was very pleased.

And it further came to pass
that she gave the man some pudding
and he was more pleased.
And then it came to pass the he fell asleep
By the fire.

And the Lord God,said
who is this man that sleepeth by his fire?
And He said,I shall waken him up
And the man awoke,
And God spake unto him

How is it that the woman laboureth in ye kitchen.
And that thou sleepeth here in an armchair.
And the man said,
But Thou didst order women to labour.
And the Lord God said unto the man
Why dost thou remember so selectively what I have said?
And the man said,
I knoweth not and therefore I will help this woman.
And the Lord God said,
Why dost thou not think of it thyself?
And the man said in reply,
It was Thou that made me,O God.

And the Lord God was displeased with the man.
so he called down a plague of butterflies
To prevent him from sleeping.
And when the woman came in
she was much pleased to see these butterflies
and so she fell onto the man
And he did make love unto her.
And the cat was very pleased.

For it thrilled a cat to watch humans loving
and gave him hope
That the Lord God would take his rib and make a mate for him.
And indeed it doth seem to have happened
Judging by all the cats staring in ye old window here;
And by their ecstatic yelps
That the Lord God was very generous with them
and made them many mates.
For truly there is no jealousy among them
And they mate freely and happily
and never have rows about the washing up..
as they eat straight from the can.Amen

Here endeth today’s lesson.
Be thou kind to thy mate always

Getting better each day

Dr Ioulios Palamaras [an expert at Mohs surgery and other skilled techniques]He is not paying me BTW

World class dermatologist with a good sense of humour

Well maybe it was worth 22 injections of anaesthetic to be cured [or is it healed ?]by God,nature and a human being with special skills

But which glasses to wear and how many pairs?

I have a fancy for teal coloured frames but I can’t go outside yet!

Meanwhile the cats seem to have no problem…wonder what they want?

Yes we used to wear big spectacles once upon a time… they were sometimes too big

It’s a cat’s life alright, they need no sunscreen nor hats..Why,I could wear the cat on my head if only she would keep still!Maybe two would be even better.Making good progress here.She’ll soon have her D.Phil [Oxo] and then her own office too.

I wonder how many pairs of spectacles I can wear at once and will they get me onto the right track in life?

Life is sometimes very painful but we forget when time passes and we are grateful for the surgeon who saves our life…but never put elastoplast over a deep incision… it took me an hour top recover from removing this the pain was so bad…I put it on so I could wear my specs.Never again.I’ll just get a guide cat instead.She will know how to get to Cafe Nero…

So wonderful.

I am so narcissistic I reblog my own posts.

I am so egocentric I look in the mirror when I am walking down the ahigh street and keep selfies of myself in my head

I am so beautiful I have to wear a veil in the bath.

I am so logical I deduced I was dead as I had not moved all night… but then I remembered Descartes and got up.

I keep mentalising all day and dreaming all night.Where will it end?

Do you have trouble with surds,too? I can’t creak sometimes.

And no,I never made a Freudian slip in my wife,said Fred.
I am always very careful when I leak.
How about you, he asked…
Me,not even wild meadowplants could drag a herd out of me,I told him cautiously.
So neither of us ever takes a miss ever? he whispered.
I think you have made a terror,I said.
It was not really spurious, he said.I’ve always had a problem with surds all my life… how about you?
Surds are ok,it’s insolubility that troubles me.
And with that we partied on reasonable worms

Please keep your stare on

Necessary evil is a verbal construct

Rapacity under the cover of contenvion is still greed

My nerves have weals he said.Could he mean wheels?

I am as nervous as a naked nun in a room full of people who go to bed in fur coats

Never pull off tomorrow what you can ease off today.

Keep your stare on!

If you never get dressed,you need never undress.

I took out a new lease on his wife,She is frilled.

.He bought me an apron for Xmas so I fried it for his dinner.That will do the trick… next year he may give me a pork sausage and some sauce.Though I have plenty already.

And no,I never made a Freudian slip in my wife.

He said he wants to borrow my life! Interesting.

A striped cat

I saw a shadow on my wall
Cast by the setting sun
I turned around to see a face
That made me feel dead glum.

“Twas but a man in a very large box
He seemed in a foul mood.
He’d lost his head while logging on
But now it’s been re-glued!

He likes windows and doors as well
He likes his Vista wide.
But Windows Eight is just alright
As his little cat has spied#

.
She looks in one,she looks in two
She looks in seven and eight
She sees nothing but smoke and flames
Oh,what a nasty fright!

Ronald comes out and sniffs the air
For he is feeling bright.
He’s fixed all his new purchases
He’s set his world to rights.

He nibbles hot jam tarts and beets
He drinks his brandy neat
He daydreams as he sits and smiles
with the striped cat by his feet.

Satan in Cromer; the true story

http://www.edp24.co.uk/news/photo_gallery_people_rescued_from_cromer_pier_as_spectacular_waves_smash_into_seafront_1_3081997

Alfred and Dora Smith, who had just taken possession of a solid gold powder compact, bought from dear old Stan ,went down to Cromer so Dora could go to Boots, She wanted a new and more suitable shade of pressed powder to put into the compact.
Satan was getting cheesed off as Dora had the compact shut away in her handbag of purple and red leather with a yellow strap.Since she otherwise dressed entirely in black the vivid colours did not seem quite so dreadful.
You may disagree, but I believe a coloured leather handbag is a definite must for any woman nowadays.Where else can one hid one’s log tables,kindle reader,tampons, set squares,kleenex,rulers,pens and other female items?
Satan ,not being divine.did not know where Alf and Dora were off to but he was hoping that he might get a peep somewhere.Maybe in the ladies loo in some pub or other,hopefully one full of women of an intriguing type with French underwear worn as outerwear in the late style of Madonna.
Inside Boots,Dora found the Boots Number 7 beauty counter and selected some compressed powder in a color called vanilla rose beige.Since everything was 3 for 2 she bought some lavender mascara and some pink coral moisturised lipstick.After paying the bill,she and Alf ran outside..
My,it’s as hot as hell in there,Dora cried.Satan was pleased to hear that but he had no idea where they were but felt he was near home.
Alf suggested a walk down the pier to get some fresh air.

Facing directly North, Cromer pier is wide open to the pure winds from Siberia… but today a SW wind was blowing and despite a black cloud looming the day was bright and warm for winter in England
As the game, old but vital couple reached the end of the pier and turned to look at the North Norfolk coast line they regretted not wearing their Harris tweed coats.. a strange chill came over England that afternoon…. a hint of evil darkened the air with menace.David Cameron must have been up there in Burnham Market where the rich have holiday homes.
Shall we sit down for a minute, said Alf to his stunningly made up wife.
You sit down,I am going to look at the sea.Dora said sweetly
Dora stood at the edge of the pier looking,at the waves crashing below… and above too!She wondered how her new short hair style was standing up to the weather and on an impulse she opened her bag and took out the gold compact so she could use the mirror to check.
Holding it n her left hand she flicked it open expertly at an angle of precisely 60 degrees.
Who was more surprised…Satan,who rarely saw faithfully married,virtuous British women, or Dora who had never before seen a demons,let alone Satan,I leave to your imagination.
Dora gave a loud shriek and threw the compact overarm high above and over the metal railings.Being solid gold it sank gently to the sea bed amongst the pearls and coral and a few suicidal fishermen’s remains.
Alf,Alf,she called..raucuously
What is it, my pet?
There was some fiend in that mirror.What a sight! I am afraid I have accidentally bowled it overarm it into the sea.Like you showed me to when playing cricket
You stupid twit.I paid £500 for that.I broke the bank
Did you really?You are so sweet.I wonder if we should call 999? Dora called
I doubt if they could dive into the cold sea…for a powder compact.Alf replied
How about for the poor devil inside it? she continued.
Suddenly a heavy storm,one might say a hurricane blew up and the game couple were almost washed away by rain and giant waves which ran into the air on either side of the pier.Clinging to each other they stumbled towards the promenade some distance back.
Let’s go and have some tea and muffins,suggested Alf thoughtfully.
Suddenly the sea swept onto the promenade and for a moment it seemed as if the two old folk would be washed away but luckily they were both very obese and their weight anchored them to the ground.
Well,it’s not quite what we expected,but somehow I am relieved.Dora said
I was nervous about owning such a luxury item.I feel I am addicted to Max Factor Pancake makeup in plastic compacts she prattled merrily
Alf was dozing and in his mind he saw a host of pancakes with little faces each wearing full makeup
How can I eat these,he muttered.They seem like human beings… they look quite charming.His head fell back and he began to snore.
Dora was happy enough watching canoes go by carrying people along the promenade and into the old town.What a dear place Cromer is,she thought,as the lifeboat passed the cafe window full of terrified people..What a dear old place to live in.

Make doves want war

I don’t drive as I fear I might thrill somebody on the road.

Then I worry about the pigeons… is it true that we can make doves want war?

The skittle has boiled so where is the flea?

If God did die,where was the funeral?

Where is his grave?

Mourning is broken I think.

A few oddities

Do you often change your sheets in the middle of a sentence? Does the knight jar you/ Why is sympathy so rare? Let them eat les croissants de ma fante She’s as easy to hug as it would be kissing a bee on my crowned head Why are we deflating?
Life’s not easy when I see ghosts smoking without ashtrays
I feel uneasy as your pie made me queasy.
Poisoned by gum.Cured by order
Beat lead. Buy a fountain pen today.Qouink!
He seems like a broomstick at a wedding for witches
Shall we beat the cat?She can’t run for long so I imagine so
It’s a treat to see your feet in your mouth
Why not eat your own dog’s food and leave mine for me.It’s all I have since the cat ?died.
Eight hundred men caught one gorilla which took a bus into town..Now he’s been given a free Mass in the cathedral.Sorry a Free Bus Pass ex cathedra
Why have you no elephant in your room? Are you indeed?
Are you on an imaginative roller coaster? Join our club for the highly imaginative person
Now you must empathize with the wrong willed yet able to get the country off my knees.I am worn down by the dichotomies or deuteronomies Like my cats? They are watching you anyway!
I say, an empty flattery battery.How discharming
The cat ate my enchillado so I shall eat its mice on rice fried dinner…..take that!Sweet revenge
I said re your novel, Send over the end,not,Go round the bend!How can you work that way.. it’s real neat,you play.By the way,who aren’t you?
These friendless words are neglected so I shall eat them.Or shall I swallow the whole dictionary? Should i shred it first..I’ll be absolutely fed up with my studies soom
The agenda fructifies my daydreams into real works of art.. or cunning at worst.
Even a wild tomato finds a beefburger and fries good once in a while.And we are not so wild,are we?

Some recently found Bible pages

Source: Kathryn

And it came to pass

And it came to pass that they ate their dinner
and that she did washeth up.
And she did leave the dishes to drain
Whilst she put on the washing machine.
and the man was very pleased.
And it further came to pass
that she gave the man some delicious apple pudding
and he was more pleased.
And then it came to pass the he f ell asleep
By the fire.
And the Lord God,said
who is this man that sleepeth by his fire?
And he said,I shall waken him up
And the man awoke,
And God spake unto him
How is it that the woman laboureth in ye kitchen.
And that thou sleepeth here in an armchair.
and the man said,
but Thou didst order women to labour.
And the Lord God said unto the man
Why dost Thou remember so selectively what I have said?
And the man said,
I knoweth not and therefore I will help this woman.
And the Lord God said,
Why do’st thou not think of it thyself ?
And the man said in reply,
It was Thou that made me,O God.
And the Lord God was displeased with the man.
so he called down a plague of blue butterflies
To prevent him from sleeping.
And when the woman came in
she was much pleased to see these butterf lies
and so she fell onto the man

And she gave herself unto him
And the cat was very pleased.
For it thrilled him to watch humans mating
and gave him hope
That the Lord God would take his rib and make a mate for him.
And indeed it doth seem to have happened
Judging by all the cats staring in ye old window here
And by their ecstatic yelps
That the Lord God was very generous with them
and made them many mates.
For truly there is no jealousy among them
And they mate freely and happily
and never have rows about the washing up..

as they eat straight from the can.Amen.

Thanks for all the food we eat.

Please leave our Earth neat and sweet

Off the graph

Please do not talk on the giraffe.

Please do not stalk on the pass.

Please do not walk on the graph.

Please, who’s not balked at the crass?

Please leap off the double bass.

Please keep off my ass.

Please weep onto the grass.

Please take my words for a canter.

Please meet my aunt and arrest her.

Please leave the belle a stone

Please do not land me upside down

Please never send me your frown

She loves Stan and his cat

Oh,Stan is feeling happy.
His wife has gone away.
She’s gone out to Australia.
She won’t be home till May.

Oh,Stan has got a mistress.
She lives next door to him.
She is very curvy.
She won’t go to the gym!

Her first name it is Annie.
She loves Stan and his cat.
She wears far too much makeup.
Her lips are very fat.

She wears bright coloured stockings.

Her handbag’s apple green.

She wears a dark red jacket,
In case she meets the Queen.

Stan loves Annie dearly.
He loves his wife as well.
What will be the outcome?
I’m damned if I can tell.

They’ve been in this threesome
For twenty seven years;
Even though Stan’s mother
Said it would end in tears.

Mary is Stan’s wife.
They only had one child.
Her name is little Lyra
.and she is very wild.

She looks like a crazed tiger.
Her eyes are very sharp.
But Lyra’s a musician.
She plays an Irish harp.

Stan wanted more children,
But Mary went off sex.
She never lets him love her
Except via a text.

She called him her sweet baby
.
She called him little lamb.

Stan gets very angry.

For Stanley is a man.

He wants to join with Mary
Like couples usually do
.He wants to unite with her
But she always has flu.

So now she’s giving lectures
In the southern hemisphere
So Stan makes love to Annie
And swigs ten pints of beer.

The cat Emile is watching.
He keeps a daily log.
Stan has bedded Annie
Right there on the rug.

He’d vacuumed it that morning
To Emile’s great surprise.
The antics performed on it
Have opened Emile’s eyes.

Now they go to the kitchen
And microwave a meal.
Then Stan says to Annie
“I love the way you feel

Mary wants a woollen vest

Winter had almost come to Knittingham,yet owing to the late summer and wet autumn,many trees still had their leaves,,,,,,,,,,,some were even green.Stan and Mary were sitting in their mock Tudor cottage style kitchen eating muffins and honey.

Wow,it’s so cold,Mary remarked.Now,Mary I have told you before that Wow is not a word I expect to hear from such a highly educated person.Stan said wistfully

Bollocks,Mary answered in a tone not unlike the late Rose Nordloch,philosopher extraordinaire who was famed for her obscene talk.I am thinking of buying some woollen vests,she continued nastily.Good grief!

What is it, my darling Stan said nosily.Mary was looking at a catalogue of ladies clothing.

They are £39 each,she said wonderingly.If I get three it will be nearly £120 plus postage.

Can’t you just buy one and wear it all winter like the Tudors did,Stan demanded charmingly

I think it would get smelly,Mary answered benignly.We should get wool vests from the Government to save us from going to A and E with double pneumonia,she continued softly…Shall we mention it at the Labor Party meeting?

No,no,Stan cried,I want your lingerie to be a secret…
A woollen vest is hardly lingerie,she retorted…
Everything a lady wears under her dress is lingerie….bras,knickers,pantaloons,petticoats,vests,corsets,suspender belts…………………..But some lingerie is more sensual…Stan said wistfully,recalling the brown silk underwear Mary used to wear before feminism made most lingerie a No,No!
Anyway,Mary said,we are too old for sex….

but not too old to have a few fantasies,Stan thought… and woollen vests did not feature in his… he preferred lace and silk with a hint of perfume..

Emile came in and he too asked for a vest and some underpants… .. but suppose I wet them? he fretted as cats do

Well,you can’t have a nappy,Emile.Stan informed him courteously
I have no desire for such things,Emile mioawed angrily…where is my food?

Oh, yes… it’s in the fridge,said Stan.He took a large goldfish out of the fridge

Where did you get that from? Mary asked fearfully….Oh,that tom cat down the road knocked a fish tank over and he gave Emile one.

But they are pets!She shrieked…. ring 999.

Dave the bisexual paramedic strode in.

It’s Frank,the gold fish,said Mary.Is he dead?

He is not quite dead,Dave answered…get a bowl of rain water.He put Frank into the bowl and Frank began to swim…

Well, that’s a bloody miracle,Mary screamed…

Just call him Lazy Lazarus.Dave quipped…he was in suspended animation.. fish are very clever.Would you like me to clean out the kitchen or fetch in some coal for the scuttle?

Thanks but not today,Dave.We were just discussing vests.Do you wear one?

Oh,yes.he said, and I wear a short petticoat too.

Very wise,Mary informed him.Underwear keeps me warm.

And it makes me hot,thought Dave…. but he said nothing.He kept his sex life almost a secret.

Vests,thought Mary.

To buy or not to buy

That is my question

Stan is spying on his wife again

Mary was just running out of the front door when she realised she had not combed her hair.She looked around and found a small brush labelled,”For nubuck and suede shoes”.Peering into the old mirror she ran it though her gold and silver hair,powdered her nose with her Estee Lauder natural beige foundation in powder form and slapped some coral lipstick on with haste.. and accuracy.
Right,that’s it,she thought.Enough to show willing.
She met her old friend Maureen at the bus stop.
Have you been seeing Joel again? Maureen asked naughtily.
No,I’ll be damned if I see him again,Mary said shyly.He told me he was living alone in a large house up the hill,then I met him with his wife.Who was he trying to fool?
Maybe he hoped you would not notice?
Not notice what?
Luckily the bus came down the road and stopped beside them.They jumped on and ran to the back. for a gab.
Are you going shopping?Maureen asked.
No,I am going to take some photos of the jazz band playing on the pavement by the bank… but I told Stan I was going to the pharmacy to buy some Vaseline….
Why,does he not like you taking photos?
Not when an old boyfriend of mine is in the band.
Exactly how old is the boyfriend?
About 69 I guess.
Well he’s not that old!
He is an ex I should have said.I knew him in primary school and used to ride his tricycle.He was my first love.We were only 5 years old.I think it was his red curls and the tricycle that attracted me… but we split up when we were 6.
Surely Stan would not be jealous;it is 63 years ago,
And to me it was like last year!Well. you know time does not exist in the Unconscious.
How wonderful.
Yes and no.Good memories can be there but also pain can seem as if it just happened even when it is from 50 years ago.
Have you had a lot of men admiring you,dear?
How would I know?There could be thousands if they were too shy to speak.
You know what I mean!
Not so many.. I had my second when we were 10.He had golden hair and long eye lashes and lots of games in boxes.He was very sweet but we were to young to be engaged so I decided to give men up and study mathematics instead as that has its own icy beauty…
Wel,,nice meeting you.Have you dyed your hair;it’s got brown streaks.
Oh,dear,Mary thought.Is it shoe polish? But who polishes suede shoes nowadays?
Stan was following Mary on his Face Bike.He was watching her from behind the bike racks in front of the HSBC Bank…
Mary had had many bikes in her life.. what would a fortune teller make of that,he asked himself.
Still,she had no idea Stan was nearby as she wandered nonchalantly along the grey pavement in her Rosella dress and Gabor suede Mary Janes..
Now then, where shall I go to take the photos,she thought…maybe I’ll sit outside this Coffee Shop and pretend to feel faint if anyone asks me to buy coffee…
she opened her bag and took out her Kindle Paperwhite… she was reading,
Creative Imagery and Healing… and also Cars and Peace by Leo Wholeshaw.. a futuristic novel set in North London.In the first chapter a grandmother has been beheaded in North London.
That’s a bit far fetched,Mary had thought when she read it but in fact Wholeshaw had been right on the ball when he wrote his e book and self published it on Cramuzon for £3.89…I wonder if I’d like to write a novel Mary mused… just then she saw Stan on the other side of the road talking to a blonde bombshell dressed all in pink.
I see,she thought.He didn’t know I’d be here as the pharmacy is half a mile away.
who is watching whom?Well.the morals be lacking but my grammar is correct

Mary gets worried

Mary was feeling a bit off colour.Then she found a scary looking thing on her neck…
Stan,she moaned,come here!
What is it my duck.Stan cried.Are you alright..
No,Mary replied,I just looked in the mirror.
Well,dear,you still look young to me,the dear old man replied… still I suppose it must be hard for someone who was o nce very beautiful.
No,it’s not that,she responded faintly.
What is it then?Did you see Satan?
Not directly,she told him gently… but I saw this funny looking thing on my neck…
Have your lovers been biting you,he enquired caringly.
Stan,I have no lovers.
I find that hard to believe,he replied.
I am your wife,she told him.
Are you really?I forgot…Well,if you’d like a lover I am ok with that.I am getting past it.
Well considering your behaviour you have not got a leg to stand on….
Mmmm, he murmured,I am a man,you see.
I know you are a man… I married you for that reason.
How kind.If I went in for a sex change op,how would you feel?
How would YOU feel she said.They won’t be wasting money on that any more.Why you have to wait 6 months for cancer ops.
Only if it is a “non-worrying cancer” which nevertheless
” must be removed before it invades the nearby structures” they reminded each other.
I am wondering if this thing which you claim is a love bite is in fact a cancerous lesion…
I know.I was wondering.And they’ve not done the first yet.
I think we should see the doctor.
I want to do more than see him.I’d like to speak to him.
What will you say?
Hello,you are my doctor,are you not?
That’s a bit pedantic..
Take a decco at this thing on my neck,which by the way is not a result of having sex with a vampire.
Do you always decide what to say before you go?
No,I usually write my concerns on a sheet of paper and hand it to him, being as I am a disordered avoidant personality.
That’s a good idea as he hates people rabbiting on.
Does he?
Yes,he told me off for asking how he was!
How he was what?
That’s just what he said.I say, are YOU the doctor?
Just because two people say the same thing it does not follow that they are the same person.
But it is a strange coincidence… is it not?
Well,I suppose I’d better ring the surgery.
Hello, we are closed right now,Please go to Hell.The doctor has gone mad…
Did they really say that?
No, he can see you at 11 pm tomorrow in the woods…
I can’t wait…
Well,said Emile,you will have to wait.That’s what you always tell me…
Emile,you are a very intelligent cat.
Thank you miaowed the furry beast in a jolly voice.
May I come to the doctor’s with you.
Wait and see,said Mary rudely.I have a lot on my mind . I am getting too irritable . I might upset somebody.
A lot of people get irritable when stressed,said Stan
Yes, cats do as well, concurred Emile.. then they scratch holes in the carpet and gnaw the furniture….
That explains a lot,Mary said.I think you need a tranquilliser,Emile…. even cats can have nervous troubles…You may need therapy if we can afford it.Then you can study mentalising and read Peter Fonagy.What fun that will be,not.

Feeling blorgy

If you store plenty of words in a word freezer you will be able to write a poem or letter very rapidly.Alternatively,you can store some dried words in polythene bags in a cupboard and add some moisture like tears to them when you want to write.This gives you some information about our era; that we spend time now,preparing for a fictive future and if you do store words they may be out of date before you use them.
The best way to always have words at hand is to read a lot of novels and poems.Even reading newspapers can teach you new words.
You don’t need to make an effort to recall them.Your mind will remember the ones that are for you.
You might try inventing words.I have done that but I’ve not kept a list.Sometimes it’s for fun; sometimes it’s to fill a space..
I am feeling blorgy today.. I feel like writing a blog with a guy but could also mean having a blog orgy…. could we do that?
We did have a blog tea party once but having an orgy could be tough at a distance…Still,who knows? Keep me informed,please.
You recall a song,feeling groovy.. well put blorgy instead of groovy!

With charms like

I was unready for anything,
with no charms, like a bee.
Each fresh day is torture..
When you don’t hate me.

I was as tame as a mango,
I was alright in my mind.
Each night was a daydream
Where you were so kind.

I was harmed by your molars.
They were sharper than whales.
Each claw brought the moon out.
As you cut your nails.

Rolling stones gather….
Your heart is not mine.
I’ll give you what you wish for.
It ‘s a true new design .
.
As long as the clock speaks
As long as the rose.
As long as the bike pumps..
I’ll remember your nose.

As long as my patterns;
As brief as they are;
As long as my brain’s dead…
I shall parse on a star.

I love a good proverb.
I love no cliche.
When you find some Wisdom
Do not never pay.

Justice long as a ruler,
Sharpened to a screw.
When you are more kind,then
I may leak what I brew
.
As long as the flat Earth
As wise as it’s broad.
The moon in the water
Heard the crow caw.

Please hear my tall story
Sing beside my cello.
I may fail at the Wife Class
But I can still say,Oh,no!

I went to the Church belle,
And asked for a clue.
The finger on the dial
Keeps pointing at you.

The music of laughter,
The joy of details,
I went by the river
and the moon never paled

I know the sky’ s tilted
My muse is with me.
Don’t sting like a buttercup
Nor like a striped bee.

How Daniel met the lion:Bedtime tales

[image from arkadiansystems.com]

http://www.arkadiansystems.com/?p=1391

Daniel Spinnett was a newly homeless man in a horrible wealthy but cruel country called the Reblighted Kingdom.He had been married once but his wife often used to hurl his hot dinner at him if he was a bit late home and she also had fourteen lovers into the bargain.When she was made Head of Uncivil Service UK he decided he was leaving her and hoped for a second chance and maybe a child as well with a gentler woman
At first he was truly happy in his new commodious flat and also with meeting women on the Guardian Solemates website but all too soon his firm was affected by the recession and he ended up with no money to pay his rent ; his ex-wife was completely and utterly unsympathetic. though she was absolutely rolling in money and men or both at once!
He went to the Council to seek for cheap accommodation
I have nowhere to live.The rents in Lone-don are so high.. can I get a council flat?I am on job seekers allowance of £70 per week…
A council flat?The man behind the desk laughed sarcastically like a dying flea.
There ain’t no such anymore,mi duck…didn’t you know the Trying Lady sold them off.
Did you not build more using that money,he enquired courteously and logically. as was his wont
Sorry,chum, we spent it on wine, women and bling… gold watches,golfclubs,moats, you know
Daniel felt very upset so he set out to walk to Lightw.ebbs Forest a couple of miles away for a time of green beauty andquietness…He fell asleep under am old oak ; he was nervously exhausted ,no doubt
When he woke up a huge cat was standing near him staring curiously
Hello, the cat said in a kindly but loud voice
Hello,I am Daniel from down the road
Well, the cat said,I’m a lion from the circus.We have escaped and we are living here in the woods.
But what do you eat? asked Dan.
Well,we forage around and we find quite a lot of food left out for house cats.. we also have learned to cook leaves and grass over a fire in a double boiler.
The lion smiled down at Daniel showing a light in his amber eyes
You look very thin.Why don’t you come with me to have dinner?
Daniel was afraid of the lion but he had no alternative. in mind.
After a circuitous walk they reached the deepest,densest most magical part of the wood.There were four lions,two tigers and four leopards.
Is this our dinner,they cried excitedly as they gazed at Daniel.
No,this is a poor starving man with no home.
Well.lie down Dan and eat this leafy risotto..
Absolutely delicious,awesome, he cried greedily as he used his hands like a child with no table manners
Then the first lion asked Dan to come with him to his own den.
When they got there he said piteously
I have got a problem and none of the animals here can help.I have got a piece of barbed wire stuck in my tail and I need a human with fingers to untangle it..
Daniel looked and there was about 12 inches of barbed wire which hit and beat the old lion as he walked or ran.Dan managed to untwist it and uuntangle it.He got some water from the stream and washed the lion’s backside where the barbs had cut into him..I have no Elastoplast, he muttered anxiously.The fresh air will heal it, said the lion gently….

And that was how Daniel came to be living in the lion’s den.
He says he prefers it to living with his dominating wife.
He certainly looks fitter than before and is considering asking for surgery to change into a lion on the NHS as there is a lady lion whom he has fallen in love with.No doubt lions don’t get married in church but they do love each other very deeply.
Just go to the forest and take a look next time you fall asleep.
Now the lions enjoy even better food because Daniel has recipe books and unlike the lions,he can read.They found some old sauce pans at the recycling centre so he can do cheese sauce using milk from the sheep on the edge of the wood,
If you knew what went on in our many woods,you’d definitely get a big surprise..I can tell you.

A worm in therapy and other Freudian notions

The psychoanalysis of a worm

Wisteria aided by worms

Blossom in September

I was planning to make a carrot cake till my mother told me:

Carrots don’t eat cake.What are carrots anyway? Why are they so picky?I have to eat all my food or I get punished by hunger pains.Are there worms inside me eating my food or biting me?Do worms have teeth?What is it they like about soil.
Charles Darwin wrote a book about worms…

So far I have not read it.

Worms are the opposite of us.

They never get angry or depressed as far as we can tell..

How fortunate as to psychoanalyze a worm would be hard.

Indeed could you tell a worm to lie on the sofa

Or would you have to climb inside a plant pot next to the worm?

As Wittgenstein might have said,

If worms could speak we would not understand what they said.

I don’t know,I think I can guess though…

I have some experience …symbolically that is.

Or is it metaphorically?

Imagine a worm on your couch.

Hmm,how are things going?

Yurp,blurp!

Well,that’s good.

Werp,serp!

Quite right,I am interfering with your transfernce.

Hurpppppppp.

Would you like a little soil?

Mummmm

Oh,dear…I should not have offered you anything.

Daddddddd.

Surely you don’t remember him?

Herrrrrrrr.

So your dad was a lady?

Oh ,ahhh!

Well,it takes all sorts.

Glumb,glomb.

I’m afraid your time is up.

Tinnnnnggggggggg

You want a minicab?

Taaaaaaaaaaaaa.

That’s £500

Do you take plastic?

No,only notes.

Doh,ray,me

I never knew worms could sing…

Well,you do now.

I’ll not skimp

The Lord’s my shepherd I’ll not grunt.
Was a Jew’s lamb lingering here,in England’s green unpleasant land?
O praise ye the sword,its works to proclaim.
While leopards rung their blogs all night
Oh,run all ye faithful
Pale St Joseph poor and mental,God has made thee a cuckold.
We worship our bling,its worth we proclaim
All people that on earth do smell
Silent night,wholly light

…. call into Boots later.

[You may sometimes see ads here to make money for me.]
And an angel appeared to Mary and spake thus
Oy vey,Miriam.
And she replied.Oy vey.
You will be bare and wild
What?
Sorry,the wrong script… you will bear a child.
So what’s so odd about that.All women do it…
Well,that’s what is in the telegram.
But they’ve not been invented yet!
Oy vey! Amen.
Drecked again.
What an angel,what a wife!Poor Yussif

Habberfrocky

With apologies to Lewis Carroll and his fans including me

http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/171647

‘Twas feelring ,and the grimy stoats
Said,wire a bumble to the knave.
All grimly were tomorrows moaned
And the thrown graphs stones were paved.

Beware the fabled cheesy scone
The laws so trite,the flaws per batch.
Beware the run up blurb and bun
The floor left on the latch.

He spank abnormal words in hand.
Wrong rhymes the grandsons wrote.
They arrested me by the pillow flea
With irony they bought.

And as in his British thought he would
Meet catwalks filled with eyes of glame
He rifled through my saddled frogs

Until spears brought me frame

Uno duo. uno dua
The awful spade bent thick as flak.
He raised the dead without their heads
Then froze the buffalo’s back.

Oh,was it pain,to write and schlock?
Give me those larns my Flemish buoy.
Oh,captchas day,hullo,oy vey!
He smarkled faux de roi.

‘Twas spellig and the grimy stoats
Said,fire a grumble on the waves.
All grimly were tomorrows moaned
And the grown graphs growths were grave.

I’ll love you when I be

‘Twas but a reptile passing by.
It flew across the deep blue sky
Why do reptiles fly so high?
I’ll love you till I die

“Twas but a cat under the moon.
Did you have a silver spoon?
Why can’t cats all waul in tune?
I’ll love you very soon

‘Twas but a wooden legged man,
Carrying a large brass saucepan.
Why can’t men do what women can?
I’ll love you better than.

Why are adverbs?
What are nouns?
why do circuses have clowns?
I’ll love you lying down.

Where do dreams go in the day?
What game can we adults play?
Can you or can you not say?
I’ll love you,in my way.

‘Twas but a verse that seemed so free.
It floated over my oak tree.
I have eyes but cannot see.
I’ll love you when I be

A tangled briar

I have no teeth and combless I remain
My hair once silk is now a tangled briar..
Men gaze on me with ruthless cold disdain
My visage will no longer spark their fire.

I have no mind and so I cannot think
I cannot love nor hate now as I tire.
Yet runs my nose and do my eyes not blink?
Where is that man with care and white desire?

I have no heart,or it turns cold and hard.
Yet soul I have and spirit and my sight.
At life’s long game I fling down all my cards.
And ask for nothing but a means of flight.

For beauty withers as my wisdom grows.
And none observe the circling of the crows.

I saw my girl coming down the road

How I came to write this:I was reading an article about how to dress better and saw this expression,sheer pantyhose which amused me so I began to write.

I saw my girl coming down the road,
In real high heels,but how she strode
She was wearing those sheer pantyhose
And the raindrops bounced right off her nose.
Her hair curled up and looked real neat
As did her unbare narrow feet.

She always likes to be covered up
Except in bed ,as tea she sups..
She never wears a dressing gown
Unless she’s going into town.
Those sheer, sheer pantyhose
Give me a tickle in my nose..

Her hair is long and golden brown,
And when she thinks she has no frown.
She’s so slim but has a bust
and has a bottom as one must.
Her hipbones stick up when she lies.
They’ve pricked me, more than once or twice.

She hates to leave her legs quite bare
Even when the sun is there..
So she shopped for sheerer pantyhose
She shopped ,should she wear other clothes?
Shall we shout the old refrain:
Sheer pantyhose are such a pain.

For when I take her in a wood,
They’re torn by brambles,splashed by mud.
But as old Freudian research shows
What women want no man knows.
But if you like me are short of money
Leave those pantyhose off, honey.

All I need are long bare legs,
As from her lips she dangles fags.
She snorts with laughter like a horse
But now this verse is far too coarse.
Her strange blue eyes glance back at me,
As I chase her round the maple tree.

Oh,my girl,you baffle me
Reading Wittgentein , as he
Seems real tough to grasp…
Like trying to digest a wasp.
Come my dear to sing and play
because it’s now a summer’s day.
We’re only here for a little blink!
Wow, she has just sent me a wink!
I think and think and so I am
A really happy,lucky man.

Amen

Hurry.Buy now before prices drop

The uppers shop
Show you are the tops.Buy now while all our clothes prices are up by 25%.Hurry as this offer will expire in 48 hours.

Gold watches with platinum straps and diamond winders.Show your superiority and buy today.

Too fashion conscious to wear a watch?Buy your golden iphone here now.Adjusts time automatically.. and why not buy a transparent pouch so everybody can see it as you go about.Warning,bodyguards not supplied.Gold ipads here at 30 % above the price in the High Street

Cashmere suits for sale.Finest fabrics guaranteed to wear out in 6 months.Show your wealth by buying this fabulous fabric today and then every six months for your entire life.

Jeans,dark wash,top designer NUCT label on back pocket and inner groin area.Hurry as we are lowering the prices in September.Already got these?Try our WATT denim ware only just in.Suitable for all genders.And sexually alluring to all even unsexy folk.

Trainers for the strong: platinum coated Wike running shoes with lead in the sole… walk and get stronger.. daily.Price:demanding.

Hats made of silk and embroidered in gold..see here now.Be the most talked about man in the synagogue.. don’t delay.

God’s Frozen Peope

I am descended from the Vikings who conquered Northern Britain… before you attack me,remember we are God’s frozen people.We have no manuscripts as we were all thick as planks and had no pens or ink… but we did see a lot of burning bushes… we had set fire to them ! And we did hear a voice,calling.

Let my people hoe..

He meant us.So we invented growing vegetables and hoes for hours but we never heard his voice again… but we live in hoe-p!

Of course we are no longer frozen with our heating etc.. maybe that’s the problem

Love thy neighbours then choose one

6429586_72f5d1321d_m

My mother was a lady of skilful wealth
She used to shop in Harrod’s,right from the shelf
She stole China tea as it’s good for the health
Mother had a most peculiar sense of self.

She liked to study the far stars and moon,
So many dark nights were spent in gloom
Yet for her husband it was a sort of boon,
As her presence spread a feeling of deepest doom.

She ran away one day with cunning stealth
Society blamed her diminished sense of self
She’d met a young man whom she called Ralph.
Who gave her many children of whom I’m the twelfth.

So,remember, the moral of my tale is none.
Love thy neighbours,then choose one.
He’ll give you some daughters and some sons
Hence providing happiness for everyone.

Emile has a latte and Stan admires the ladies

Stan and Mary enjoyed their coffee.Emile,their pet cat, was somewhat over affected by the caffeine and began to tremble wildly.

What shall we do for him ? Mary asked Stan.
Well,we can’t ring 999 from here,surely? he replied plaintively.
Mary took off her silk scarf and wrapped Emile up in it.
There you are,that will calm you,she told the nervous cat in her soft voice
Next time we’ll get decaf for you.
Thank you,Emile mioawed.I liked it but it’s very strong.
Stan went inside to pay and found it was £3 per mug…making £9 in total.
Gosh,it’s expensive now,he grumbled.The waiter looked puzzled as he did not recall a time when a cup of tea was 6d and coffee 1 shilling..
Why,I am getting old and tetchy,Stan murmured to himself.
We don’t do it often.Mary said in a warm, kind and tender voice,something she had more or less permanently.
We enjoy a treat now and then…. and I’ve enjoyed watching people go by.Such a variety now from all over the world.
So did I ,thought Stan,especially the girl with leggings of about 20 denier and a very short top.He’d not seen so much of a woman’s private parts for ages.The fact that the leggings were light grey had made it even more of a thrill;even a sin,maybe,to a Catholic or Jansenist…
But can a man help it if he is excited by the sight and site of what was once reserved for marriage bed or the brothel.
No,a man cannot help it because we are all animals,we are all flesh and as such we have certain automatic reactions….And in any case even with long dresses on women still look alluring,perhaps more alluring.
Stan fell into a day dream were young ladies were walking about wearing short satin nightgowns and lace peignoirs of silk with gold embroidery….
Very nice! he shouted loudly.
What is very nice? Mary asked
Stan opened his eyes and found he was still outside the Cafe de la Fromage… where are we,he said.

Why we are here in Knittingham to get your shoes in Hotters.
What a funny name for a shoe shop,said Emile.
Is it because shoes make you hotter? I’d like some red shoes,myself.
I fear we can’t afford shoes for you Emile and you’d not be able to climb a tree then either.
I could have slippers for in the house,Emile whispered..
They set off and arrived in Hotters.
Yes,madam.What do you want,asked an elegant lady assistant.
Some slippers for the cat!
For the cat? Are you barking?
No,that’s a dog.
Emile had found some baby shoes and was trying them on.
Look ,he howled,and all the customers stared at him as he ran up and down the shop floor in them.
OK,said Mary,Two pairs please.
That will be £50,dearie.
Oh,I’ll pay with my debit card.
They left the shop and headed for the bus stop before Mary realised
They had forgotten to buy Stan’s shoes.

Stan didn’t really mind and it meant he could see more female bottoms again the net day.
Suppose men wore leggings,he mused.Would women like to see our private parts while shopping in Tesco’s or Lidl’s?
Time will tell… but ,it seems unlikely to happen here in the UK as men are more conservative ,though we do see men in bathing trunks walking down the road in summertime and alas,they are usually not the ones with the right shaped bodies not to mention that few of us want bare chests and other body parts pressing closely behind us in the queue to pay for our food and drink and other goods in the supermarket… and they are not very super nowadays.

Letter litter

Longing to see you or any man with wits and a good appetite,Maria.
Hoping for a response to my email before the end of the world,Phil.
With my tested bad wishes,Anne.
I guarantee you will enjoy me if not yourself,Wendy.
I can’t speak yet but my IQ is 139 in the evening and 189 in the morning.. are you interested in statistics? I think of nothing constantly,Edwina.
For my desert island book I choose the Stanford Guide to Poetics as it is heavy enough to kill a bird..what do you think of us as a couple of nitwits? Jane.
I regret to inform you we have to split as I have become a lesbian over night… I had a dream,Christie.
Will you meet me in the lodge or shall we drown in those ghostly waves?Bill.
Please don’t write a poem as rhymes often cause offence.. and free verse causes havoc in the mind.. mine,that is,Tommy.
If you want to talk please phone somebody,your dear husband Ronnie.
If you are angry,please go out and find another woman.Goodbye,Dorothy.
I never trusted a man before i met you.And I should have stayed that way. but I went mad. yours icily,Tonia.
Why read a dictionary in bed with me?Are you lacking in word power or man power or just crazy? Your wife.
I know you have no feelings but can’t you take degree in acting? Your ex-lover.Jim
Why not just tell me the truth:there is no truth? Yours Enid.
I hate you now but I’m sure it will fade gradually as time goes by,Mia.
Why did you never eat meat on Sundays,bread on Mondays and leather on Tuesdays.. is it a new religion or just madness?love Minette.
Isn’t life overorganic? Ron.
God is not a thing,so the priest said… so he needs no dusting or polishing.. in fact he is completely invisible nowadays,Guthrie.
My analyst is so boring he’s like a dead fish;can I talk to you? Warmly Miriam.
I am feeling over mixed as I fell into the Kenwood Family sized cake makr by chance..I was drunk.Angela…do not bake me tonight.Thank you

A letter

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And it came to pass

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The psychoanalysis of a worm

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