The places I associate with you,
Durham in the deepest, whitest frost
The places that I dream of what we knew
We walked the Cleveland Hills when love was new
Saw icy windows in your parent’s house.
The places I associate with you
Lincoln floodlit, threw me to my knees….
We crossed the Humber in midwinter lost
The places that I dream of, that we knew
Christmas time your mother felt so blue
We walked the sea edge Redcar,Saltburn first .
The places I associate with you
But where’ve you gone and why is there no clue?
I travel in my dreams ,with you impressed.
The places I associate with you,
The spaces where we travelled ,where are you?
Sitting on the high backed,v Ercol sofa in the large sitting room of her new neighbours Tom an n jn n n nnnd Edina, Mary sipped at the PG Tips tea she had been given in a pseudo-art deco mug.The tea tasted pseudo as well!
Would you like some delicious cake,Mary? Edina asked her rather loudly
Mary jumped.
Oh excuse me, my nerves are all on edge, she cried.I’d love some home made cake
Edina took out a penknife and cut a slice of the large cake.Alas it was coffee flavoured and Mary was not fond of that.This was agony to her especially coffee flavoured butter cream filling as she liked all the other flavours..Suffering from this is a new psychiatric disorder called uncakeophilia disorder
Why are you using a penknife in here ,Tom asked his wife angrily.We have lots of kitchen knives and other silver ones
I found it on the floor,Edina said pensively
I don’t suppose you washed it, Tom answered wildly
Mary leaned back and shut her eyes for a moment.
I hate noise, she thought.
No, dirt is good for the immune system, Edina murmured
What rubbish, you are so lazy I can’t believe it! her husband told her.
After 39 years you should be used to it,Edina told him sensibly.
Who made all these new curtains and vacuumed the roof? she went on languidly
Did you vacuum the roof in your last house,Mary asked her?
We lived in a flat before so I never had to do it.
Well, it’s unnecessary,Mary said , why not learn Esperanto?
Where do people speak that?
I have no idea but it’s a language,Mary cried decisively
But can it really be a language if it’s not the native tongue of any country?,
Well Yiddish is a language yet few people speak it, Tom told them
It would be difficult for the dead to speak,Mary said in a sad voice
It used to be spoken by millions of people in Central and Eastern Europe.
Why didn’t Hitler teach them English,asked Edina?
You think he only hated their language,said Tom in surprise.I’ve never heard that before.
It is bloody ridiculous,Mary said in her soft yet vibrant voice…he didn’t kill them because of their language and they spoke German as well,Maybe even French,Polish and other tongues
Just then they heard a strange choking sound .It was Emile the talking tomcat trying to get out of Mary’s large plastic handbag
Good grief ,Tom shouted.
Did we invite this cat? Does he drink tea from cups? Is he real?
Well, yes , I love tea, Emile mewed.And don’t shout at Mary like that!
I am not letting a cat order me about,Tom screamed like a lunatic
But it’s not nice for Mary.She is a highly sensitive person and I love her
Now, they tell us,Edina whispered.She is married to her cat
I didn’t hear you,Tom said,Is she harried ,did you say?
No I said married
But her husband is dead
Well, now she has taken the cat, for better or for worse.Edina said in a humorous yet angry manner.
For richer for poorer… a cat can’t earn a wage
Edina and Tom were shouting at each other not realising what impression they were making
Mary called out,
Why invite me to tea and shout like this?
Did you never shout at Stan?
No,I didn’t need to.He listened to me.
Well, you are very quiet, said Emile, so Stan had no fear you might shout
I might have shouted when I read Fermat’s Last Theorem.Mary admitted furtively
Was Fermat your teacher,Edina asked?
No he died a long while ago
Fancy dying and all you have to leave is a theorem
Well, it stops the family fighting,Mary said wisely
Suddenly the door opened, and in flew Annie, the flame haired mistress of the late Stan
Why was I not invited to this tea party ,she asked rudely?Are we in Boston?
Sorry,dear,said Tom.
Not many people like to come here because Edina has a bad temper
No I don’t she shouted.
You have a bad temper
I get so tired of all these projective misperceptions,Emile said in his intelligent voice
My therapist was not a cat, but I kept projecting on to him and he looked just like a cat to me until he barked one day.He was in fact a dog.I realised
Was that the end of your therapy?
Yes, I stole all the money from Mary’s purse and there was none left.And I learned about projection, that was enough
Good heavens,Mary murmured.
I thought Annie had taken the money
What!You thought I was a thief.Annie bawled
What next?
Well, you’re more like a sister and I didn’t mind as I know it’s so demeaning to ask for money.
See, said Tom to Edina,I said you should not ask me for money after we make love
Why not, she enquired? I need some new art materials
Can’t you use the housekeeping money?
Well, if you are happy to starve,Edina said sarcastically
Don’t use sarcasm.Only prostitutes take money.,Tom added.I did say you can buy whatever you like in the way of clothes and so on on our credit card
How do you know it’s only whores? Many women do need the money as they may be single mothers trying to feel their family and not getting Universal Benefit on time,Edina told him But other women might demand jewellery, and expensive houses like Wallis Simpson
That’s a fair point,Tom muttered.
It’s more complicated than I realised.
Money is a big problem in many marriages,Mary called
But I earned my own and Stan retired early and got a pension so I had no need to
beg him for money
But did he beg you,Edina asked?
No, we just kept in the bathroom under the soap.So it was clean.
I wonder if viruses can spread on money? Tom said
I feel sure it is possible but how would we test that out. his wife asked
Best to wear gloves but when you take them off the viruses might fly all over the place
I didn’t know they could fly, said Emile.Are they invisible?
Well, we don’t really know but people often get bad colds when they go on aeroplanes
Annie turned pale.
Are you ill, Annie? asked Tom
I am having a nervous breakdown.I’ve caught paranoia from a £5 note.
You can’t catch it,Mary said in her kind voice.
It’s not a physical illness and they are plastic nowadays so they can be wiped down
Well where does madness come from? It is horrible feeling to be so anxious.
This is not much fun, said Edina.
I thought it would be lovely meeting the neighbours but we go from tarts to paranoia and back.Is this wise?
They all sat looking glum,Then Annie revealed all
I am a Russian agent sent here by Putin.I befriended Mary on Putin’s orders
He must be stupid.Why spy on Knittingham?
Well, you will be surprised.Mary is an expert on differential operators
On bicycle chains, asked Tom?
How ignorant people are.Annie shouted.Did you never see anything odd about calculus and little things appearing and disappearing?
Well, to be frank, no!
I don’t believe we learned calculus said Edina
We learned quadratic quotations
Do you mean equations,Mary asked?
I don’t know what I mean,Edina said nervously
And neither do we, said the others
Calculus is a bit like the Mass.Important things happen but we can’t see them.Everything looks the same but it’s not
Then they heard a siren.In ran Dave, the heroic paramedic in his new pink dress. and coat
Don’t drop the bomb, he told Tom audaciously
I’m not President Trump,Tom informed him gravely
That’s what they all say,Dave said to Annie
Who can we trust
Just Emile,said Mary.And Annie.
Why don’t you trust me said Tom?
I am waiting to see how you behave,she replied
Like a kind of exam?
Yes, it’s called
Trust your neighbour and yourself? How to know the people who might be dangerous
to your life and mental health
There’s not much mental health in Britain now,said Tom.I’m a doctor!
Well, don’t shout at the patients, said Annie
I only shout at home,
That is horrible, surely those you love need kindness?
Tom burst into tears and Emile lent him his hanky
I don’t think we’ll meet any more of the neighbours Edina said
Enough is enough.Kindly go home
Pleased to meet you, said Dave.
Do call me when you need coal bringing in or have a heart attack
No way,thought Tom as he drank a bottle of brandy in the bathroom
I feel we made a mistake… we will have to move as soon as we can
Our Father,Aneurin Bevan, Exploded is thy game; Why,Kingdom come, Before thy will be done. Gone N.H.S.Gone Heaven. Give us fair pay,our daily bread; Don’t leave us on piece rates, As we confront those who legislate against us. And feed us not with deprivation, But deliver us from Weasels. For thine was the Fair Game,the Hour and the Story Maybe once but ever again?
When Mary woke up she could see the sun shining through the curtains. How lucky, it was going to be another bright day. She lay in bed trying to decide what to do. then she remembered that she could not go out because she was waiting for the pharmacy to deliver her medication. Owing to the cutbacks in the NHS the pharmacy was struggling to cope with all the prescriptions received especially from the older folk of Knittingham who have been put onto statins,calcium channel blockers, beta blockers, tranquilizers, antidepressants mini aspirin, warfarin and even anti-psychotic drugs because they did not believe Theresa May was a was a real living person so were diagnosed with schizophrenia. If Ronald Laing was here now he would be rolling in his grave because he said schizophrenia was caused by people being put into an intolerable situation within the family of origin or more likely within Society if we can still iue the word Is Boris Johnson real? Michael Gove… he’s hardly looks human;you see if you do not agree with what the majority of people think then you are defined as mad. This means that all the Jews in Germany and Austria and other countries in Eastern Europe were crazy in 1938 because they did not believe that Adolf Hitler was a good leader for Germany and indeed was a dangerous and evil human
And when they were taken to Concentration Camps and murdered or shot in their thousands by the advancing German army on its way to “defeat” the Soviet Union in 1941……….. were they out of their minds? Who do you think was crazy then? Who is crazy now?
Well, Mary thought this is not going to get me very far I better make myself a big mug full of hot tea so I can take my antibiotics.
I really wonder now if original sin is real or whether it is a society that is evil. Western societies have nuclear bombs, military forces and many such things. That must tell us something.
Mary was looking in her wardrobe trying to find something to wear. She picked out a skirt of many colours rather like Joseph’s coat would have been in the Bible. That didn’t do Joseph much good do it?. With that, she wore a blue acrylic jumper whose neck was too low so underneath she had to wear a purple camisole
My goodness, she thought it takes me half the morning just getting dressed; however did we manage to go to work years back?
Of course, when Mary was working she wore just jeans and a sweater.. She even wore underwear but nobody could see it except on one occasion when the zip on her trousers broke in the middle of a lecture.However, the students were very kind and none of them seemed to be looking at it. that was because her lectures were so fascinating that none of the students was looking at her as a woman despite the fact they could have seen her blue silk knickers poking out through the broken zip.
After that Mary realised that it was better to wear a very long sweater when out of the house. How kind her students had been
Downstairs she noticed that although she had vacuumed the carpet in the hall the day before it was still covered in little bits of paper and other tiny objects. I suppose you can’t have it clean all the time she murmured to her cat Emile It’s not natural to be clean. Are forests clean, are woods clean, is the sea clean? I’d better think about the latter one she thought. after reading the news about the environmentshe knew there were different kinds of cleanliness
There was a kind of a harmonious dirtiness which fostered the growth of plants and seeds and then there was the inharmonious dirtiness of grass verges being covered in crisp packets and empty bottles of Coke and the inharmonious depths of the sea where plastic bags were waiting to kill the whales or the dolphins Yes it is rather difficult to define she decided.
In the kitchen, her cordless vacuum cleaner was waiting to be charged. Had it committed a crime. Of course not, it was waiting to be charged with electricity.
Through the glass door, she saw her friend Annie approaching slowly as she was wearing very high heeled shoes
Good grief Mary cried. I thought all the top people were wearing white trainers this year with designer clothes
Well, I am not, said Annie. I bought these shoes because I have got an invitation to have dinner with that psychotherapist who lives across the road
You haven’t mentioned him for a long time, smiled Mary but in any case, it’s not the time for dinner yet
No it’s not till tomorrow actually but I thought I would try these shoes out and see what I can get used to wearing them so it won’t look as if I’m making an effort to look especially good for him.
The shoes were shiny red patent leather with 5-inch heels.
What makes you think that he will like them, asked Mary tentatively
All men like these sort of shoes and Annie told her.
You can’t prove that. I don’t suppose that the native peoples of North America would have liked women to wear shoes like that
They probably did not even wear shoes at all : they had moccasins with soles, made from buffalos hides…
Well it’s different nowadays
Modern life has made men’s sexual desire disappear so we need to do things to bring it back again
Why, even teenagers have given up sex now!
I don’t think that psychotherapist is a teenager whispered Mary with a smile on her face.
You may be right
When he was growing up women would have been wearing stiletto heels. I had some myself until they got stuck in a groove in the pavement and I had to leave them behind.
That’s why I did mathematics at University. I wanted something more.
That’s ridiculous,replied Annie. I wore stiletto heels and have been married five times and I never wanted to go to university to read anything at all. Especially not physics, mathematics or engineering or difficult subjects like that. I think it will be a big mistake for women to believe they can get married after they have read mathematics for 6 years at university. Well I got married said Mary bluntly
You must be the exception to the rule as you are so stunningly lovely and not dominating at all.
Some men like a dominating woman, Mary kindly informed her.
Well, I’ve never met a man like that so far. her friend responded
Maybe you will
I wonder what that psychotherapist likes. Do you not think he will be married already
I don’t mind. I can be his mistress.
But wearing red patent leather shoes makes it all too obvious to the neighbours ; they will think that you are a tart
What, at my age?
There’s no tart like an old tart
That doesn’t mean anything said Annie nervously.
Not logically but it means something even if it’s only humorous. What kind of dress are you going to wear with this?
I got a dress from Dash last year it’s what they call a wrap dress it’s blue and quite demure but I would like you to see me in it to make sure it is not too tight. I hate a dress that is too tight on a woman
But not on a man, I suppose, Mary replied whimsically
I don’t mind what men wear. If they want to wear a wrap dress let them wear it especially in the summertime as these cotton dresses are very comfy in hot weather
But that’s not why you’re wearing one is it? You are wearing it because you think it will make you look sexually attractive
Well, it might make a man look sexually attractive too.
I suppose we don’t really know exactly what makes people look sexually attractive. But why don’t you want to be friends with this psychotherapist first and get to know him and to understand where he is coming from before you decide to wear provocative clothing. if he’s a Freudian he might think you’ve got hysteria
Oh no no, psychotherapists can’t decide something like that from one meeting
We should not rush to judgment.A woman might be wearing a wrap dress that clings to her curvaceous body because all her other clothes are in the washing machine
It would have to be a very big washing machine to put your clothes into it all at once
Don’t be snide it doesn’t suit your nature, Mary!.
Perhaps my nature will change now that I am a widow. perhaps I will say nasty things to people and steal you fruit from their Orchards
Will you start doing armed robbery asked her friend because if you do I would like to come with you
Do you really mean that, Mary asked
Yes of course I do. although I have no guns and I have no knives except the ones in the kitchen
Well they can be deadly. Marital violence has occurred where a long-suffering wife has killed the cruel husband with the carving knife when she was trying to cook the Sunday dinner and he was asking her to cut his toe nails
That’s true but I am thinking of robbing banks and they will not be cooking a Sunday dinner in there will they?
No ,they’re probably going to McDonald’s for their dinner
That’s alright then
I was just thinking of pretending to have a gun and staring at them brazenly
Give me your money I want £50,000
it’s no use, Mary. you look too kind and gentle to be convincing
In that case, I will have to start practicing looking nasty and aggressive
Please don’t do it to me Annie asked. it might bring out the demon in me
I didn’t know you had got a demon inside you said, Mary. has it got a name?
Not so far but I will think of one soon because I am going to buy it its own mobile phone
Why would a demon want a mobile phone? asked Mary
Don’t be so logical. not everything has a reason. I expect they like to look modern like you and I do
Well don’t spend a lot of money on it You can get a Nokia 1 unlocked for £79.99 on Amazon and then you have to buy a SIM card
I would have thought a SIN card will be most suitable for demons,.I shall go and put my new dress on and return here in a few minutes so that you can tell me what you think
Why Annie thinks that Mary is a good judge of clothing is a mystery to all of us as her main interest is in mending gadgets and studying philosophy while listening to Leonard Cohen singing The Future
“One thinks of Isaiah — ”Thou hast drunken the dregs of the cup of trembling” — and of Psalm 137: ”By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat, sat and wept as we thought of Zion.” The great poems remind us that grief cannot be avoided, nor forgotten, but can be incorporated into a deeper understanding of the human condition, as in Emily Dickinson’s ”After great pain, a formal feeling comes”:
This is the Hour of Lead —
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow —
First — Chill — then Stupor — then the letting go —
It is that union of experience, insight and the simple beauty of language that helps us to give our own grief a name, that gives us a kind of company, that extends a wise hand. Many experiencing intense, even unbearable personal loss have found redemptive meaning in the famous poem Ben Jonson wrote in 1603 at the death of his son, the one in which he declares, ”My sin was too much hope of thee, loved boy.” There is no full consolation for a parent who loses a child, and indeed Jonson does not offer consolation. But he at least gives a form to what most of us only dimly understand: that the source of grief is the intensity of the hopes that have been lost, and that without the possibility of grief there would have been no joy.”
I have not seen forsythia glow so bright The flowers exult in yellow on the shed Even in the darkening of the light
For many days my mind has been upset I did not know where I had lost my head I have not seen forsythia glow so bright
My eyes were focussed where our terrors bite Without love’s consolations in my bed Even in the darkening of the light
Barbaric words of humans hate incite As the Prophets sadly have long said I have not seen the sun glow quite so bright
The dirty look, the eye so sly, the night The terror in our dreams, the bloody heads Here they come, in darkness, in our flight
Come my dearest,take me as I’m read By words expressed, the dangers have now fled I have not seen forsythia glow so bright Now the darkness dances with the light
The agent is the one who makes the choice
Who are we and how do we decide?
If we’re passive, we will lose our voice
Consolation comes in many ways
The love of other people is a guide
The agent is the one who has the choice
Consolation visits, cannot stay
Will not come if we are stiff with pride
If to power we’re passive, we must pray
A wife was once a slave, though well embraced
Her unique self and agency denied
The agent is the one who makes the choice
Now the unemployed dwell in disgrace
The monsters in the government deride
If by power disabled ,find a voice
Christian armies thought God on their side;
As if he cared what they meant by their lies!
The agent believes he’s in charge,has choice
We feel lost , where is the still,small voice?
What did all those sermons do? Did they say he was a Jew? Oh, Jesus. Did he want the First Crusade It is his blood the priest creates Lord Jesus. I don’t like the way things are I am getting tired of war Kill Jesus. What has human wisdom done From Wittgenstein to Abraham? Cripes, Jesus! Does research improve our lives As for grants, the scholars strive? Ask Jesus. We may have chemotherapy Radiation, history. Where’s Jesus? You’d think that after all the years We’d have used up all our tears Sweet Jesus. Love your neighbour as yourself Give 10 % of all your wealth Aye, Jesus .Do what’s better, not what’s worse I see another fragrant hearse. It’s Jesus. See the plastic Crucifix See him dying with dry lips Bend your knees, confess your sins Otherwise, the Devil wins Not Jesus .We destroy the good we hate Envy writhes and with pride mates. The progeny will wreck the earth Eden’s burning as drones pass. No, Jesus.No Jesus. Know Jesus.
Jack had just taken early retirement from his old job as a maths researcher. in Knittingham university.His large collection of books was overwhelming the home he shared with his excitable French wife Simone.
Simone was still working at the university cleaning computers heads all day long.Now she was hoping that she and Jack could do more entertaining.If only he would get rid of some of the many books he owned!
Simone left for work wearing her new pink cord trousers and a dark blue denim knit jumper with a long lasting beige foundation from Max Factor covering her red complexion.
Jack gave the cat,Louisa, a hot bath in goat’s milk.Now instead of being grey she was cream coloured!
I’ve been dyed,she shrieked politely but Jack never replied.
He pondered,as he dried her what to do with all his maths books.He had thought of making a large collage but who would want it?
Or he could donate them to the university or have a fire in the back garden.
Suddenly he looked up and saw a very charmingly pink faced woman peering into the window.
It was his neighbour Kim whose husband had disappeared last year,possibly inside a wheelie bin,though no-one was sure.
Hello,Kim,did you want me?” he cried nervously
I thought you might like some company for morning coffee.What a pretty cat.what is her name?”
Louisa was wary of Kim,Maybe the purple trousers and orange jumper might give the cat an epileptic fit… she was a sufferer, just like St Paul.She hoped to be converted but so far was disappointed.She longed to see a vision of heavenly cat food in the sky.
Can cats go to Mass? she mioawed to Jack.
Yes,but they can’t have Communion,he responded furtively
Well,we don’t eat bread but I love wine!
I’ll mention it to the Pope next time I see him,Kim said with a roguish smile.Her make up looked to be waterproof as the drip in the ceiling was right above her head and heavy rain was falling yet her face did not change at all.Was it plastic coated?
But Louisa,you would have to confess your sins.All your sins
I never did a thing wrong in my whole life ,the cat replied haughtily.
Well,you know the Church is only for repentant sinners,so if you never sin,you can’t repent. so it follows indubitably that you can’t join the Church!i studied Aristotle once so
I get all logical with emotion.I only wish I’d got to Wittgenstein..I could have loved that man….though now I seem to recall he was gay…still,who knows?
If that were true about the Church,would Jesus be allowed to join?
Certainly not.He was perfect and also he was Jewish.So why would he want to join a Christian church?
As he began it, he might like to see its holy life,Louisa purred loudly.
Really,I think this is a very odd conversation murmured the parrot,Felix Semper.
Not so odd,responded a tall dark man who just appeared from nowhere.
I am called Jesus he said,but I’m from Malaga.
In Spain many men are called Jesus,he continued mellifluously.
Is that so, cried Kim murmured tenderly.
I never met a Jesus before.If you married me it would give people a shock if I said I was married to Jesus! she whispered loudly behind her hand.
Marry you! Is it leap year? Women have never proposed to me before.
I was just thinking out loud,she replied demurely in her soft voice.
Nuns used to be married to Jesus and wore a silver wedding ring.
I was educated at a convent school.That’s why I’m so very neurotic.
Are you really neurotic? Jack,screamed neurotically
I have a whole shelf of books by Karen Horney here.Self Analysis, is just one.
I could give it to you now….
Not in front of Jesus,she muttered chastely.
Have you no moral feelings?
No,I’ve never had any feelings of any sort in my entire. bu life t it’s done me no harm.
I’ll ask Simone when she gets back, we’ll see if she agrees!
I’m just like a computer with a human body.
I sometimes think I’d like a suit of silver armour.
Bless you,my child,Jesus murmured.
When they looked up the tall dark man was gone.
They looked around but he had left no footprints.
Should we call the police?He came in with no permission!
How disgraceful.
How dastardly.
How disgusting
How damnable.
How divine.
How dumb.
How deplorable.
So on they murmured until it was time to cook lunch. for the cats and birds.What a morning,what a life.
Wasting life when we would like to dance Walk in ferny woods. exchange a glance Can we have a decent person at our head? Jesus Christ,no b*gger understood
Why be happy when you could feel mad? Glad that Donald Trump is not your dad Don’t let logic, reason or plain thought Sell you something Mother never bought
Why not let the police take all control? They know how to score a self made goal They can kill a man and wound a child Yet kneel down in Church along the aisle
Holding a black Bible in one hand
Will not take you to the Promised Land Cain and Abel,Jacob and Esau Does he hope to start another War?
As the old man fell towards his death They offered us a handrail for the bath
Shattered by their honest,wilful lies I could not speak, my saliva had all dried
He was walking albeit slowly when at home When they took him off I heard the groan Lost inside his head, no wife nearby Even Satan would have wept that night
Gabriel and Satan, hand- in -hand Neither one will ever understand We humans waste so much,we’re almost blind Full of envy,hate and so unkind
A bird taps on this window every day,
Frail as flying leaves are in a gale.
But now he perches on the potted bay.
He feels the weather like the blind do braille.
This bird is faithful and I hold him dear.
He’s fearless as he pecks upon the glass.
We hope he has a modicum of fear,
For who knows when a sparrow hawk will pass?
I see him like a human soul forlorn
Struggling to discern his fateful way.
For soon he may be taken by a storm
But blithely he will eat, and after play.
The smallest bird has trust in the Unknown
By his example, our own way is sho
Air,bitter they call it,whispers to the sweet planes of my face,
Shrieks shrill to my cavities,ears,mouth and nose;penetrates all that’s open;
Probing like a surgeon’s knife,to see what healing damage it might do.
A frozen finger touches my heart;
Seems like the ice is inside me sending urgent warnings.
On that high inner mountain,you’ll feel nothing at all…
You’ll be the snowman, a bloody icicle;
An Old Testament of Endurance;
A legend like the pale polar bears, snuffling uneasily around the summit
Touching a woman’s heart is the quickest way to gain her attention
I’m looking at you;you’re in pieces.You’re a puzzle,a jigsaw with two double dynamos;
A broken racing bicycle crossed with two ice skates.
Ten motorboats crashed into a yacht and abandoned on a Swiss lake in winter.
Can I leave you scattered like this?
You’re a man in a penguin suit;
Diplomatic, attached with the coldest reserves.
You’re a spy from the court of the Vatican City
A screaming Pope;
An unbaptized demon.
A lost angel with no hands;
A half hung side of meat;
An unbroken rampant horse deluded by winds east.
We were split,one from another;
Split in ourselves too–thoughts and emotions
Are raw like meat,weeping as they are pulled apart into islands.
I see there’s a cold window between us.
I rub it with my damp coat sleeve,like children do,licking on it;
And see your eyes gleam in hope like greenish diamonds.
Yet I can’t touch you, until we learn how to melt glass.
Are you trying too as you smile weakly,
desperately holding onto this impossible slippery glass?
We’ll try to reach you at the bottom of whatever frozen ocean you sigh in. to
Here you are,a flat and two-dimensional Prospero.
You rise like a non-U-boat already firing at the upper orders.
Here you are walking through what seemed like ruins
And you are not just alive, but burning.
“We are great fools. ‘He has spent his life in idleness,’ we say, and ‘I have done nothing today.’ What! have you not lived? That is not only the fundamental, but the most noble of your occupations. ‘If I had been put in charge of some great affair, I might have shown what I could do.’ Have you been able to reflect on your life and control it? Then you have performed the greatest work of all. To reveal herself and do her work, nature has no need of fortune. She manifests herself equally at all levels, and behind curtains as well as in the open. Our duty is to compose our character, not to compose books, to win not battles and provinces, but order and tranquility in our conduct. Our great and glorious masterpiece is to live properly. All other things — to reign, to lay up treasure, to build — are at best but little aids and additions.” Montaigne.
The doctor says I’ve got the sickest jokes ever My blood tests were superlative. I’ve got diabetes, pernicious anaemia and a virus. in the computer. I have got bow legs as well, but no double bass I think I’ll get married but the doctor won’t approve,I want to marry the dentist. I believe that if I learn Russian I won’t get dementia just detentia. I dream in other languages especially Latin. Quo Vadis? Tantrum virgo? Why don’t we give 10% of our money to the poor? They would waste it on food? My mother and father were very intelligent.Yet my IQ is only 65..I must have brain fever Do we really have any IQ? Plato didn’t! So many new diseases it seems unfair.
But life is unfair
Is it not?
Now the evening of the day before
The wedding and the guests not yet estranged
Then I a dress of golden satin wore.
It was the evening
The priest he prayed and love was emphasized
Which looking at that world seems now so strange
Like hatred of the Jews who Christ provide.
They provided him
We took Communion, sang the hymns of praise
The wedding feast was already arranged
Thank God for Jesus whom he did not raise.
We took Communion
Like an absent father of the present day
God let Mary raise his child dismayed
Impregnating her then going off to play
An absent father
If God did choose a Jew to be his bride
He must have liked her profile well displayed
Who knows that, his ways are not our ways?
His Jewish lover
Strangely, Catholics cannot marry Jews
Though would a Jew desire a Nazi’s heirs?
In their lairs in souls of Europe, Nazis brood
We’re Nazis below deck
We think the Shoah was sickening just for Jews
But it’s we who’re sick and need a great repair
Europe’s down the chute, just watch the News.
Watch the News.
A wedding day should have both joy and care
For all of those who have affect to share
When all of humankind can watch the play
On a scream near you, they want to say
No affect dare
Mary and Anny were looking in the wardrobe trying to find things to give to the charity shop . What’s this, cried Annie Oh my goodness, that is the shirt that Stan wore for our wedding It is very bright said Annie. Still in the 60s that was what people wore even men. and what is this black jacket over it? That is the jacket that I wore for Stan’s funeral. Goodness me .I hope it doesn’t make you feel sad to look at them now that you are all alone Well I’m not really all alone. I have got you and Dave and Emile.And several penfriends and my ex- work colleagues not to mention my sister and her offspring who are all very kind But that’s not the same as having a husband, Annie responded sadly. I should know I have lost three Where did you lose them, asked Mary.I know that your last one died mysteriously but what about the others? Well my first husband was a coal miner and I got tired of washing all his clothes because in those days there were no automatic washing machines. I left him and I married a builder who built was a very nice house out in the Peak District . He refused to have any children and I wanted children.I decided to leave him. then I am married my last husband, James. He didn’t die. her ran away with his sister-in-law but I did not want people to know that so I pretended he had died whilst on holiday Some people think you killed him and put him into the wheelie bin ,Mary I told her stupidly How ridiculous he was much too big to fit into a wheelie bin and I could not have lifted him up when he was a dead weight Ahahaha that’s very funny, the cat mewed , a dead weight. Did you kill him? No but I will when I find him again. I can’t get a divorce without revealing his sinful deeds and so I have to be a mistress and not a wife. Since Stan died I have no one to be a mistress to. I keep hoping that Mary will get married again but so far she has not bothered That is not as easy as you seem to think , said Mary Why not ?You are still very attractive you have lovely clothes and big blue eyes. you can do French provincial cooking and plain English cooking; you can speak 4 languages and explain quantum theory to anyone interested, and you are very good at playing the piano. Well if I am so wonderful where are all the men queueing up to offer me their hand in marriage? I don’t think men like clever women even when they are as beautiful and gorgeous as I am. I suppose that men don’t like women who know things that they don’t know. Well I know things nobody else knows like when I had my last menstrual period when I first used Tampax; when I lost my virginity which I’m still hoping to find again. How I set my hair on fire opening the door of the oven when I’d not cleaned it for 5 years ——-there’s lots of things I know that nobody else knows What are the things that someone would want to know , Annie asked her ? Well who knows what men want to know? Do they want to know that I have bought a pair of size 9 Nike trainers in pale lemon and I have darned the hole in a brown pleated skirt …….by the way, why do moths make the holes on the front of skirts? I am sure that a moth does not know the back from the front on your skirts maybe it’s the direction that you hang them in . perhaps you should hang them in the bathroom and throw some Dettol on them How do you throw Dettol. Mary said quizzically, do you mean spray? Oh,let’s not get bogged down in details. you know what I mean you need to clean the wardrobe Well you’re wrong there,Annie because when preparing a moth free environment what I should really do is bring in Emile’s offerings from the garden where he is burying them and put them in the wardrobe Oh my God meowed Emile I couldn’t bear to put my crap in the wardrobe I quite understand st. Mary and I have no intention of putting anybody’s crap in the wardrobe as it is full of clothes thaty are already mostly crap . I don’t agree with you said Annie; you have got some beautiful clothes on you always look really glorious Well everybody has a different taste and it’s unfortunate if you get married to somebody whose taste is the opposite of your own Did Stan like the way you dressed? Well when we got married we were very poor and so I could not do anything about it I had one skirt which I bought for a shilling in a jumble sale at a church in Holland Park; it was extremely short and Stan and liked it very much. then a blouse with long sleeves that I bought for sixpence in the same jumble sale.I had a pair of black trousers from Marks and Spencer’s and a big white jumper from up north and a grey dress that my landlady in Oxford gave me when she was collecting jumble . In North Oxford they have some very good quality jumble. I’m telling you I’ve never been so well dressed in my entire life as I was then .The only problem was that most of the dresses that she gave me were too big for me but I didn’t really worry about that I had a black dress which I wore to have dinner at the High Table in Hertford College I was about a size 6 and the dress was a size 12 but it is very good fabric and quite formal so I thought it would do Then I had a black dress with long sleeves which did fit me but it was very very short and showed most of my thighs; it was rather foolish of me to wear it to a mathematical conference in Dundee in April 1970. You see I didn’t think people would look at me I didn’t exist I was a blank I was nothing but when I saw people staring at me, at me I realised my error When Stan and I had more money I did have some clothes and he liked me to wear bright colours and good cloth that hung well so I did try to please him now and then otherwise I wore jeans with woollen jumpers over the top for warmth,Mary whispered silently I think you are the best dressed woman in Knittingham now .You look better than any middle class woman Go on, which class am I in as Mary humorously. Don’t say that I’ve got to marry somebody in the royal family as I can’t stand Balmoral You’ve never been there. No I don’t want to go there it’s full of midges and blackfly and the Queen goes riding on a horse. I have never ridden a horse in mylLife Mary said sadly How about the Rocking Horse that you had in the nursery That’s not quite the same as a real life horse is it ,Mary said angrily? Don’t upset me ;it’s not my fault that your mother couldn’t afford to buy you a horse’ it was very rare in those days to buy children horses especially when they lived in a two bedroom house with no bathroom inside I don’t think the horse would mind no bathroom as they don’t tend to get washed in the bathroom .I could have washed the horse in the backyard near the toilet and the Coal Shed Or by the air raid shelter Your parents couldn’t afford to buy the food for a horse; they need more than your leftovers That’s true, muttered Mary sadly, but you know I never really wanted a horse I did want a bicycle. Mum would not listen;l so I had to go to Oxford and that was very hard work studying mathematics for years and years so I got in to that course . Then I was able to get a bicycle like everybody else . Now I wish I just stayed at home and got a job working in a supermarket. Why screamed Anny you would have been very bored. not to mention the money I am never bored said Mary because my mind is very rich and I should have been able to daydream and lose myself in reveries while I was serving customers Well God serves those who serve themself Annie said ,to finish the conversation Wat rubbish said Mary;she stalked into the house and put the kettle on to make some breakfast tea even though it was supper time. What we need is a good hot drink and to keep quiet and stop talking all this nonsense. if God wants me to get married again then he will send men to find me and even though I have all these problems like I am very neurotic I am obsessed with details,I write poetry while others eat their dinner. I like mending holes in people’s clothes even if they don’t want me to mend them. I like to go to the toilet once every 4 hours and every 2 hours on Sundays or Good Friday.I like Jews and Muslims and anyone else who seems decent My God I think there’s something wrong with you ! So you’ve only just noticed replied Mary I’ve had something wrong with me ever since I was born But you wouldn’t know that when you were a baby. I suppose not said Mary wildly, but you know being a baby is not always a very pleasant experience,to put it mildly And so say all of us
Overspend on your credit cards getting presents that nobody really wants and and then buy ing things you do really want in the boxing day sales
Why not get all your relatives together in an overheated room have a lot of alcohol and have a great big row.
Watch all sorts of rubbish on the television just because it’s Christmas when you would like to spend a time doing something that you really want to do but you think it’s rude so you make yourself comply after all it’s only once a year.
How my heart speaks 