I was ill and ate a custard tart.

I thought of Judi dench as time went by

Her partner liked such cakes and so do I

It’s hard to stop but easier to start

What’s your favourite cake when you feel glum?

If you’re  diabetic please ignore

My husband was and we ate cakes no more

Now he’s up above my time has come.

But I would give them up if he returned

Oh kindly face , oh love where have you gone?

I miss your jokes your acting and the fun.

Where is the love that in my heart I learned?

I ate the custard tart, I feel alone

I’d rather eat just bread if you were here

Everyone must die, it’s true, I fear

Some days since you’ve gone my heart’s a stone

Bitter is the sorrow of the lost

But surely we must love despite the cost

I realised that Sudoku puzzles are closed systems and therefore every thing is closely connected to everything else

So if you are having a problem with for example the number 3 don’t look directly for the answer because if you start looking at a different number like nine or seven if you can find some movement there or even the solution automatically this will simplify the problem you’re having with number 3.

Now a human life is not a completely closed system on the whole. But even so if you are having a problem with one part of your life and you can’t get any movement there look at something completely different and see if you can do anything about that. If you can it will very likely help you with the original problem or at least it will help you to pass the time.

Sometimes if you are feeling depressed and you can’t do much about it it helps to do the washing up or change the bed sheets or pay a bill anything that needs doing

Something physical is often a good idea.

Movement itself can help. physical movement or doing things like puzzles makes your mind move about a bit

After doing some of these manual tasks often people feel better because at least they have done washing or the washing up or paid their bills

But if it doesn’t help just hang on because life itself is movement and things will change.

In the meantime I’m giving some money to the Red cross because there are problems that other people are having in the complicated world of wars and suffering and even if you’re feeling depressed or anxious you can still give a little help to someone else.

I don’t expect people to be grateful for what they have because when you’re depressed lonely anxious you don’t want people telling you to look on the bright side . Later you can be grateful for what you have and the people around you.

And remember in time everything passes.

And life is hard

The end of Essex Road, the slope, the gates,

The entrance to the park, the green invites

The swans and geese are wrangling with their mates.

I idle on a bench and contemplate.

In ‘diligent indolence’ with  Keats I write

The end of that old road, the curve, the gates.

I must embrace this life, enjoy my fate

The scent of hot damp trees, the feel of sight

The swans and geese are mingling with their mates

Oj joy of greeny grass, oh glorious state.

Oh dandelions and weeds, mosquito bites!

I like the way the road slopes through the gates

Oh heaven above, oh,earth beneath, all’s right

The celandines are brilliant with delight

The swans so white are gliding with their mates

The end of this dear road, the curve, the gates.

Art Katherine

I felt like a collapsed old football

When I woke up this morning in bed

I thought I was going to church then

I went out with the devil instead

The devil has got all the energy

He’s got a  real life of his own

Sometimes what’s offered in church seems

Like playing with long whitened bones.

The devil won’t conform to the rules so

He is free to be his true self

What are we doing on earth now

Storing up nothing but wealth?

What would you do with your freedom

What do you do with your joy

Even in one single moment

There are people that you could annoy.

Be true to your own personal values

For what else has anyone got?

Try to write your own diary

That person whom you have forgot

I wish we were in Blythburgh again .

By the floodlit church on holy nights

The angels in the roof eternal, pure

A gift to eye and heart and mind and sight 

Down the river near to Southworld town 

The ferryman will row you in his boat. 

For just 10 shillings you can get across. 

Already in my purse I have some notes

We sat high on the harbour wall one day

Beside the marsh the footpath gave delight

You could hear the crickets’ wings and you could pray

Ahead was Southworld and its built delights

I see it now but in my own mind’s eye

For you are gone and I have said goodbye

Puzzles can be intriguing or annoying or boring but they don’t usually cause worry

People’s faces can be intriguing as well but they are can also cause us a wide variety of emotions including anxiety fear and worry but also happiness  and joy

Solving a hard number puzzle is a lot easier than living life as a human interpret ing other people’s feelings and faces on behaviour

If you were no good at maths don’t worry because you probably good at lots of other things like communication with your beloved people and the families

As long as you can deal with money in your budget then you don’t really need to worry about maths. If you are a carpenter or a cook you will have learned a lot of mathematics without knowing it

One afternoon Mary decided to visit Jean in the nursing home. Jean could not walk and😔 she had severe dementia and was an angry woman but nevertheless there was something about her that Mary liked enough

Can I come along as well cried her cat Emile peevishly,,,?

No Jean doesn’t like cats and she’s a very determined woman so I’m not going to set her off by taking you in there and don’t say you can stay my handbag because it’s hot were and I don’t want you to suffocate silently.

Would it be alright if I suffocated while mewing?

?

Emile I cannot risk you suffocating because I love you that’s why I’m leaving you at home by yourself. You can always go in the garden and meet some other cats

Emile stalked away like a woman with injured pride

When Mary got there, Jean was having a bad day

I want to die she screamed. Will you kill me? Please do please do,,,

It’s illegal for me to kill you Mary told her rudely

Oh you’re such a coward Mary: be brave and kill me. I’d be really grateful

Well it’s very difficult to kill someone like you because you are naturally strong and strangling you  would be extremely tough probably impossible and how could you be grateful to me when you were dead?

If you believe  there’s an afterlife then you cannot kill yourself or be killed by me it’s murder in either case.

You’re a chuckling print, Jean shouted.

I understand what you mean but I think you’ve got the wrong word! I have seen this written down but I’ve never heard anyone so it out loud that is, c*nt.

Why what’s wrong with it?

Nothing in itself but when it’s combined with another word like f*cking it becomes unspeakably unpleasant and anyway you should not use that name as a curse word. It’s where new life is born. It’s like a flower like a rose or a carnation

Mary thought to herself  I think I’m going to write a poem!

I never said it  answered Jean but there’s got to be some way of expressing my frustration

Talking about the afterlife Mary said politely you jave been married twice. When you go to heaven which of your husbands do you want to be with you for all eternity?

Thinking about it very carefully Jean sat silent for quite some time. Then she gave a most intelligent response.

I loved them both the same

In that case you are a very fortunate woman although I know it’s very hard for you now. Would you like me to bring my cat next time I come? He is called Emile and he is very very interesting and can speak good English. Or I have a friend who’s a paramedic called Dave and he makes very good cakes and biscuits and likes to wear dresses in the summer

Triumphantly Jean announced that she would like to see both the cat and the paramedic as she was very bored in the nursing home and she loved to talk to people or even to animals

And so do most of us

https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/problem_1

I said I’m writing my blog not I think that you’re God

I said what is for dinner, not I think you’re a sinner.

I said do you know any new words, not I think  love’s absurd.

I said try my new bakes, not dive into the lake

I said Donald is mad, not I are you my dad?

I said my heart is so strong, not the charts are all wrong.

I said do you like my new briefs, not you are the chief.

I said is God the answer, not you are a good dancer

I said I’m tired of these puzzles not keep your dog muzzled

It’s hard to communicate apparently most of us live lives of complete fiction or almost complete fiction in other words we invent the people we love and then we get a terrible shock when they don’t behave according to our frictional point of view

So is love unreal?

How do you feel?

How do you act when your suitcase is packed?

I stare at your face as if you are today’s puzzle of numbers.

I can’t read the signs so easily

I know the answers are all there but how to perceive them?

And what if my gaze becomes a glare and I hurt you?

Surely that intense  stare is not the way to learn the face of the beloved

How to soften the eyes so they caress rather than sting?

On the train everyone is bowed over their newspaper or on their screen

They’re all trying to solve puzzles but who can solve the puzzle of human existence?

Who can give us a meaning for our lives?

Sometimes the gazelof another can be enlightening.

But we can’t stare into the faces on the other commuters so we stare at our puzzles instead hoping to learn something useful more than just to find out which numbers are missing.

Children do stare, when do they stop doing that?

Like when I walked into the living room with the Guardian and said to my mother in front of the visitors

What’s rape?

She never did tell me but after that we got the Times instead which seemed rather peculiar in our working class Street but who knows what the motives were?

The front page used to be full of ada.

Flats or rooms to rent

Sometimes holiday accommodation

It engrossed me

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/01/well/mind/how-childhood-trauma-can-affect-your-long-term-health.html

As anyone with a sibling or more than one child knows, people will respond differently to the same situation. How much do individual traits change or mitigate the effect of ACEs?

A. If you take a population of 1,000 people or 10,000 people or 100,000 people and they all have one ACE versus two ACEs versus seven ACEs — what you’re going to see is this substantially increased risk of health problems. Are there still going to be folks who by virtue of their biology or circumstance or environment are able to be resilient in the face of adversity? There are. Just like there’s the guy who smoked two packs a day and drank whiskey every day and lived to be 100. The takeaway for me is how we’re trying to reduce the exposure on a population level.

Q. You’ve said that your work on ACEs led you to your husband. What do you mean by that?

A. I won’t comment on any of my ex-boyfriends, but I was like — whoa — the type of relationship that I have has a profound impact on my life span and my health. Not just how I feel, but this could seriously shorten my life expectancy.

My husband is a person who I feel heals me from the inside out. He’s been really instrumental in what I’ve been able to accomplish in terms of starting my organization

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/brexit-donald-trump-political-depression-mental-health-2016-psychiatric-cbt-methods-heal-britain-a7528581.htmlPolitics

Quote:

So what is helpful? What’s the cure for political depression? For one thing, liberal conservatives are going to have to borrow from some of the left’s irrepressible optimism. But if my last few months of lethargy and dark doctors’ waiting rooms have taught me anything, it’s that all those in search of a cure for our current political malaise could do well to look at recent advances in the mental health ward. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, or CBT, is today’s wonder cure – but what does it actually entail, and can it save a country as well as it can a person?

CBT is all about breaking unhelpful mental patterns. It’s also about the art of the possible. Under pressure at work? Find one request you can reasonably make of your boss. Determined to run a marathon to feel better about being obese? Start by using the stairs instead of a lift.

In politics, focusing on the big picture can often seem overwhelming. The future is bleak; there are a lot of battles that the forces of liberalism seem unlikely to win. When I think of Trump in the White House, Erdogan imprisoning critics in Turkey, martial law in the Philippines – I could continue – I curl up and go back to bed. When I think about the two refugee friends who I’ve got coming to stay next week, I scurry up and start readying

https://www.pesi.co.uk/blog/2019/may/five-reasons-why-there%E2%80%99s-no-such-thing-as-%E2%80%98mental

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1.  May

Five Reasons Why There’s No Such Thing As ‘Mental Health’

• 15th May 2019
• Benjamin Fry

We are in the midst of Mental Health Awareness Week. But for Benjamin Fry, the term is highly misleading. The founder of residential trauma treatment centre Khiron House, Fry believes we can only understand ‘mental health’ by going back to the body, getting curious about the nervous system, and helping our clients to see their ‘invisible lions’.

Your body is a chain of dominos, responding to events and experiences. We often call the final few dominos ‘mental health’, but what does that mean?

We are usually referring to an experience that shows up in something we call our mind, but even that can get confused; for example, is feeling anxious the same as being worried? Does an alarming thought, or a miserable one, constitute anxiety or depression? And if I yell at my wife do I have a mental health problem, a personality disorder? Or am I just an ass?

To sort this out, you have to go a few steps back along the chain of dominos. There, you will find that there really isn’t any such thing as mental health. Instead, there are a series of consequences to the way that our complex human organisms respond to threat; and particularly how we have adapted to respond to threat badly.

One: We usually end up dysregulated by the time our childhood is over, if not well before

When a gazelle is chased by a lion, it tends to match its response very nicely to the actual threat from the lion in the here and now. So, if the lion pops up on the horizon, then it will start to get a bit vigilant. If the lion gets too close, it will run. If the lion is right behind it, then it will kick. And if it gets caught it will freeze, almost as if it is feigning death. This all tends to work out as well as possible for the gazelle. Its body is working just right.

We, on the other hand, through a misstep in evolution, appear to be dysregulated in response to threat. This means that we can start running wildly when the lion is still miles away, or collapse in submission when we still have time to get away. We overreact and under-react. We rarely ‘Goldilocks’ react and get it just right.

Two: This changes our biochemistry

Responses to threat are like the 

I said I went to the clinic not  I think I’m demonic m

I said I love your pink jacket not I’m  tired of the panic

I said I love Dr Hicks not, I think weaving sucks.

I said I think she’s cured me, not how can she endure me?

I told them my husband was dead, not I can’t wait to get into bed

I wonder why Freud was regarded as so unusual. Doesn’t everybody think about sex all the time? And by sex I mean love in all its forms.

I tell them I want some egg and bacon,not to make a career of faking

I wanted to have a hot bath not to provoke bitter wrath.

I wanted to conceal menstruation ,not to give men an invitation

I was telling the truth ,not mending the roof

I was washing my ears not enjoying his leers not trashing the seers

I said I fell out of bed.Not, Well,now I am dead.

I said I prefer the rural life , not his alluring wife.

I said give me a rest, not you are a pest.

I said,where is my tea,not I love her knee

I asked if you had wine,not are you a swine.

I said I feel terribly tired, not you need to be rewired

I said her mother has dementia,not that she joined

Mensa

I said where’s my pink lipstick, not I am a mystic. 

I said try meditation,not grow vegetation. 

I said,Are you quite mad,not are you my dad ?

I said I need speech therapy not your hips creak terribly. 

I said are you going deaf not I’m short of breath. 

I said ,fry a few eggs not I love your legs

I said I’m feeling tight, not why are you bright?

I said my heart is full not  watch out for that bull

I said what is  the forecast not shall we commit incest?

I said let’s go to bed, not sex drives me mad.

I said I want to go to Confession not I can’t give up fascism

The priest said was I a virgin not who was the surgeon

Sure it’s not perversion? Let’s forget about conversion.

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Although my ears were ringing with its rhymes

I edited my sonnet sixty times
It didn’t seem so many to my mind
Although my ears were ringing with its rhymes
To criticise myself seems quite unkind

What seemed to be a meter was none such
I could not sing it like Gray’s Elegy
My language late at night seems Double Dutch
But writing will, like loving, pleasure me.

If only we could edit when we speak
Instead of blurting out “the honest truth”
To stop our malice making others bleak
Or injuring their hearts with words uncouth.

When we reflect, we learn to see our speech
As something not entirely out of reach.

I have lost my shadow, I’m not real

The sun may shine but  I am in the dark.

My eyes are full of tears, but I can’t feel

I eat alone and so it’s not a meal

When I walk my feet don’t leave a mark

I have lost my shadow I’m not real.

I think I know the game but not the deal.

I see no neighbours yet their dogs still bark

My eyes are full of tears but I can’t feel

My mind runs on like clockwork, I can’t heal.

If I climb a hill there is no lark

I have lost my shadow I’m not real.

I tried to hold your  hand, it shook like eels

My eyes are rich with tears but I can’t feel

My father used to hit me there’s no mark

I loved him and he died, my heart’s a shark

I have lost my shadow I’m not real

My eyes are full of tears but I can’t feel

One day Mary decided to take an IQ test. To be completely honest ,it was her best friend Annie who wanted her to take the test because she believed that Mary was the most intelligent person in Knittingham

Mary foundthe test rather boring but she completed it in four hours approximately.

Then Annie marked it for her using a booklet supplied with the test

You have got a score of 65 she said souvnding annoyed

The average score is 98, 65 makes you an imbecile.

How on earth did you learn to read and write when you are an imbecile?

Well Mary told her in a kind voice

The main point is I did not know that I was an imbecile and so I just learned to read the way all the other children did and since my father did ornamental gold lettering in churches, I must have inherited is talent for beautiful handwriting.

Why don’t we have a nice hot cup of tea said Annie thoughtfully.

She had always believed that Mary was more intelligent than she was but now it seems that Mary was just more hard-working and had a stronger desire to learn

I think because Mary wore glasses she thought to herself she must have lhought she had to be an intellectual. After all people never read books rarely wear spectacles although that may change now with the advent of modern technology.

Emile was very puzzled because neither of the women had dialled 999 for an ambulance today and he was very keen to see Dave the paramedic and to find out how he was coping with the hot weather.

So  he bit Mary on the leg

You imbecile, she shouted.

Well that’s a compliment said the cat because you are an imbecile and yet you have been to university and got two degrees.

Twi degrees of what  he thought to himself but as he was a cat he was used to keeping secrets and so he did not say anything

In fact he was relieved because he thought that as Mary had two degrees her temperature must be low and therefore she was not getting sepsis.

Because when you get sepsis your temperature usually rises rapidly and dangerously although occasionally it can fall very low and at the same time as that the blood pressure drops.

The organs begin to struggle and indeed wherln Mary had sepsis she did not pass any urine for 36 hours which was very fortunate because she was on a trolley in the corridor all that time.

Similarly she is delighted when she friend have blood pressure was low not realizing it was a sign of danger

After all many older people feel their doctor would only be happy if their blood pressure was zero. And if they were dead well does it really matter? After all like Mary maybe I’m an imbecile too.

So don’t worry about your intelligence level because 

imbeciles r us

It’s interest, enthusiasm, desire and work that get you to somewhere worth going to.

As long as you can read and write the world is your oyster or you don’t like horses replace it with your own favorite food although it doesn’t sound very wise to say the world is your Weetabix all the world is your meringue so please let me know what you would like me to put instead of oyster

https://www.theguardian.com/theobserver/2014/feb/02/sara-maitland-how-to-be-alone-interview?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

https://nationalcentreforwriting.org.uk/international-literature-showcase/sara-maitland/

We think we are unique, special and deserving of happiness, but we are terrified of being alone. We declare that personal freedom and autonomy is both a right and good, but we think anyone who exercises that freedom autonomously is ‘sad, mad or bad’. Or all three at once. https://www.goodreads.com Sara Maitland Quotes – Goodreads

During the last 3 weeks I have spent 18 days in bed with an infection and in my own opinion also a virus something like covid which made me absolutely exhausted and flattened

It was difficult when I had to keep getting out of bed to go to the bathroom.

So I have discovered something interesting that you can buy eBooks on Google play and some of them are ones which I wanted but they’re not available on Amazon in Kindle books and I want to mention one here.

It’s by Sarah Maitland and it is called the Writers Way

The e-book is

£2.99.

My vision is now such that I can not read ordinary books on paper except very slowly with a very strong lamp so I am very pleased to get this book as an eBook which I can read on my phone.

I love Sarah Maitland’s novels

She has also written about living alone and about silence which is very important to her although she was once married and had two children.

Being alone can be very difficult especially when we are ill but sometimes you can feel alone even when you are with someone.

That is the worst kind of loneliness. Some people have said they feel as if they are behind glass

When you are like that it’s hard to know what to say but it’s better to be with people some of the time if you can even if you don’t really feel like it but if it’s caused by illness then you don’t have much  choice. You rarely get a visit from a GP now even when you are very ill

Apart from diagnosis it can give your spirits a lift if you are visited by your doctor.They can I get more information if rhey see you.

So books can be a lifeline and you can get them on audible if you prefer. I’m not sure about this one

If you’ve never read her novels then I strongly recommend you to try them.

Respect but do not fear your own fear. Do not let it come between you and something that might be deeply enjoyable. Remember it is quite normal to be a bit frightened of being alone.

https://www.goodreads.com

Do not linger when the dead are gone.

Let the curtain fall, their life is done.

There is another play but not that one. 

Golden is the light of other suns.

Performing life is play and it is art.

Pull the curtain, make another start.

When the time is right you’ll get a chart.

This is life and everyone takes part

How was it I recognised the good

Personified enhanced by golden light?

Have we seen his Face before we’re born?

With shuttered eyes what did we use for sight?

Why  did this golden light appear to me?

Why should I be helped when others aren’t ?

There is no answer to this mystery

Explanations useless to the heart.

When the soul is bare to cruel despair

When all the false and superficial’s gone

Then the grace that can’t be bought flows in

But in the end, of answers there are none

The golden light cannot be forced by  will.

Yet in my eye, I see the brightness still

Now the bank and anyone interested no exactly I spent my money for the last 40 years

The royal lifeboat institution

Medecine sans frontier

Freedom from torture

Marks & Spencers

The national rheumatoid arthritis society

Diabetes UK

But who knows me in truth?

Who is familiar with the warmth of my body and the regularity of my breathing?

Who has  shared my laughter?

Who has loved me?

And who has  held me while I grieve?

Who knows what the psychiatrist would say about me?

And what a different one would say?

Who has really seen me seen me fully?

Who has injured me and looked at my face and enjoyed my suffering?

Who knows what I think about Israel and Gaza?

Who knows what any of us feel about the world at this moment?

Who has seen my face when I read the news on my phone?

Who has truly known me?

How many have really cared to know me?

Who has seen me sleeping?

Who has wakened me?

Who has been irritated by me?

And who has enjoyed listening to my lectures?

How many of us really care to know another person,not their vital statistics or  bank balance but to know them by being near them and feeling with them?

By BEING alongside them?

By respecting them?

By feeling with them?

https://archive.philosophersmag.com/emmanuel-levinas-a-snapshot/

O

Levinas’s philosophy is clearly governed by a deep-seated pacifism. In fact, it is one of Levinas’s central contentions that Western philosophy is wedded to a counter-ethical process of conflict. It is this radical idea that underpins Levinas’s first magnum opus, Totality and Infinity (1961). This treatise opens with a discussion of war – an all-encompassing, as well as literal term for conflict. Levinas states that it is the Western preoccupation with the truth that generates this conflict. In short, if one is able to apprehend the truth, one is essentially self-sufficient or “total”. For Levinas, this reassuring sense of totality is disastrous for it harbours an underlying antagonism towards others who are liable to challenge one’s authority.

Levinas traces this conception of totality back to the teachings of Socrates and Plato. According to classical authority, the self is literally self-contained – it is able to contain the truth. For Levinas, this spirit of autonomy was perpetuated in the work of philosophers as diverse as Plotinus, Bishop Berkeley and Hegel. In addition, Levinas also detected a return to this spirit of self-sufficiency in the phenomenological work of his former tutors, Husserl and Heidegger.

In an attempt to evade this tide of thought, Levinas turned his attention to the constitution of subjectivity. For Levinas, far from being self-sufficient or total, the self can only exist through reference to the non-self. In short, self-knowledge presupposes the existence of a power infinitely greater than oneself. Echoing the famous Cartesian cosmological argument, Levinas thus suggests that the subject is indebted to the idea of infinity. In direct opposition to contemporary continental thought, Levinas thus reinstates the subject – a subject that encounters itself through the mediation of an-Other. According to Levinas’s intricate argument, such an encounter precedes the disastrous desire for truth.

Crucially, Levinas argues that the encounter between the self and the Other is always passive. In slightly different terms, one welcomes the Other as the measure of one’s own being. It would seem to follow that one’s subjectivity depends upon a non-aggressive or non-violent interface. Given its passive nature, Levinas concludes that this interface is a proto-ethical moment that precedes all other ethical discourse. In this way Levinas undercuts traditional ethical debate.

0

Today, Levinas’s ethical thought is frequently discussed in relation to diverse academic fields beyond the traditional boundaries of philosophy. Disparate fields such as sociology, literary theory, historiography and anthropology have all benefited from the priority Levinas accorded to “the Other”. This ubiquity stands as testimony to both Levinas’s profundity and growing contemporary relevance.

At the time of writing, Lawrence R Harvey was teaching and completing his doctoral thesis on Levinas and the ethics of representation.

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