Mary self diagnoses

Hello, mother, cried Emile as Mary came through the front door.
What’s happened
The doctor was not wearing a mask and she says I have to go out and play Bingo
That seems odd.
Mary made them both pilchard sandwiches topped with vanilla ice cream.And wondere what was wrong with her
Suddenly she realised the pain had a curious intensity, like she had felt in her teeth /jaw just before an angina attack

Out came the GNT spray which she aimed under her tongue,using Guy’s Hospital method
Wow,said Emile.That looks weird.Can I have some?
Emile, it is what bombs are made of.It could kill a cat
In a few minutes the pain was gone and Mary felt relieved though angry
In ran Annie in pink leisure clothes and green Mary Jane shoes
I like your shoes,Mary said.Where did you get them?
I found then at the back of the wardrobe
I think I shall look in my wardrobe, though some shoes I had kept for best disintegrated
Where?
I was having tea with Dorothy.I looked down and saw lots of black spots on her carpet.It was the soles of my shoes.She was very kind and just got her dus
t pan and brush
I think we should wear the things we love now, not save them for some imaginary future,Annie murmured like a pike that has just seen Ted Hughes in its dreams
Guess what I have bought,Mary cried
A new mug?
No, a coat the colour of dark grey stone wallss
I don’t like the sound of that.Shall we call Dave?
No, it’s ok,I am pleased I can sit on walls in the winter
You are easily pleased,Annie informed her.Most women want new kitchens, Le Creuset pots, clothe s and shoes
I have enough,Mary responded.

But who defines what is enough? When I went for an interview for Uni it was on a Tuesday.I wore my only blouse on Sunday so I wore it again though the collar was dirty and my cardigan made by Mother was not a success as the button band was not the right length as it twisted
I went over the Pennines by train in the worst winter ever and arrived for my interview with no money for a sandwich for my lunch
The men interviewing mte asked why I wanted to do maths
I said,I want to do research.I had already discovered something myself though later I saw Pascal had discovered it.He had better notation which helps
They burst out laughing and slapped their thighs.At least they didn’t sexually abuse me

I had never seen men with manicured hands before
How did you feel?
In those days I didn’t feel,Mary told Annie.I wish I were like that now
At least they accepted you,Annie whispered.Let’s not bring up the past
It seems to come up by itself
And so say all of us

Descartes split the mind and body









http://www.georgeatwood.com/the-madness-and-genius-of-post-cartesian-philosophy-1—a-distant-mirror.html#:~:text=A%20truly%20post%2DCartesian%20theory,premises%20and%20their%20psychological%20foundations.

On a personal level, Wittgenstein’s philosophical efforts reflect a struggle to disentangle his identity from the confusing, mystifying language of his original family.  He had been brainwashed, so to speak, under the usurping pressure of his father’s self-centered universe.  Hermann Wittgenstein was an epistemological tyrant, defining reality for all those who sought to be connected to him.  This philosopher’s thinking, therefore, can be viewed as a self-deprogramming enterprise, ultimately directed toward the possibility of liberating himself from the paternal agenda and claiming his own place in this world.

     Wittgenstein’s first book, the only one published during his lifetime, Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus (1921/2001), is an effort to clarify the relationship between the words of our language and what he called the “states of affairs” appearing in the world we perceive.   Two specific assertion appear in this book, ones we believe are charged with personal significance:

 “There is no such thing as the subject…”

“ The subject does not belong to the world…” (1922, p. 69)

   On a philosophical level, this reminds us that we ought not to objectify the first person singular: the ‘I’ is not an item in the world.  We are being told that the experiencing subject is not a content of the world we perceive; it is instead what he spoke of as a ‘limit’ of this world, a standpoint from which what we call “world” and all its contents appear.

     If we lift the statements out of their ordinary philosophical context, and think about the personal, life-historical meaning they might contain, an epistemological rebellion on Wittgenstein’s part appears, one mounted against the powerful father who tried to be the all-defining director of his son’s existence.    The son is saying:

 “’I’ am not a thing belonging to your world, not anything anyone can define or control.  My being lies outside the insanity of your self-absorption.  Above all, know this: ‘I’ am not an item in the inventory of your possessions, to be made use of as you please!”

     The pull of the father’s usurping authority, though, must have continued to be very strong, presenting an ever-present danger of falling back under his control and becoming once again the obedient extension of an irresistible will.  This is not just a matter of a child fighting back against a parent who is strict and controlling.  Wittgenstein’s separating himself from his father was a matter of rescuing his very being as someone independently real.   A crisis occurred in his young life in which he saw that continuing to walk on the road laid out for him by his father would be to become permanently itemized on the list of his father’s many possessions.   It would be to embrace annihilation.

     A sign of the felt danger of returning to the obliterating conformity of his youth appears in a feature of Wittgenstein’s life that his biographers have noted but not fully understood.  It was his incapacity to dissimulate, to lie, to conceal the truth because of the claim of whatever circumstance he was in.  If he did move toward some concealment, which happened exceedingly rarely, he was thrown into a crisis of wanting to immediately kill himself.    Our understanding of this inability to lie is that presenting anything other than what he felt and knew to be true posed the danger of a re-engulfment by the falseness of an identity based on the need to be accepted rather than on his own spontaneous intentionality and authenticity.   If the only possibility was that of a false life, then his only option would have been death.  

     The philosopher enforced his emancipation from enslavement by cutting off relations with his father, and he refused even to accept his very substantial inheritance after the father finally died.  Wittgenstein saw taking the money as sacrificing a very precarious sense of personal existence.  The heart and soul of this man’s madness lies in the danger of annihilation that haunted him throughout his life.  His philosophy we can thus view as a search for an answer to this ontological vulnerability. 

     His writings, for the most part, consist in aphoristic meditations focusing on language.   He gives us trains of thought that attempt to expose various confusions into which we fall, arguing that many – perhaps all – of the classic problems of philosophy arise as secondary manifestations of these linguistic confusions.   Wittgenstein engages himself, and his readers, in dialogues subjecting specific examples of how we speak and think to relentless reflection and analysis.  In the process of these conversations, a profound critique of the whole Cartesian tradition emerges, a dismantling of metaphysical conceptions and distinctions that otherwise enwrap our thinking and imprison us within structures of unconscious confusion.  Central in this transforming inquiry are understandings of human existence in terms of ‘mind,’ seen as a ‘thinking thing,’ an actual entity with an inside that looks out on a world from which it is essentially estranged.   Such an idea, once posited, leads inexorably to a dualism: one begins to wonder how the entity ‘mind’ strangely, mysteriously connects to another entity, ‘body.’  He makes compelling arguments that specific linguistic confusions based on the human tendency to turn nouns into substantives lie at the root of such otherwise unfounded ideas.  In Wittgenstein’s universe, there are no ‘minds’ that have interiors, no intrapsychic spaces in which ideas and feelings float about in some “queer medium,” no mysteries we need to be fascinated by regarding how the mental entity and its supposed contents relate to the physical object we call the body.  Longstanding traditions in metaphysics are accordingly undercut and the terrain of philosophy is opened up to new and clarifying ways of exploring our existence. Well-known arguments against the coherence of solipsism as a philosophical position and also against the possibility of an individual ‘private language’ definitively refute the idea that it makes any sense to think of a human life in terms of an isolated ‘I,’ or ego.   He was a post-Cartesian philosopher par excellence.

     Wittgenstein sometimes viewed his scrutinizing of our linguistic expressions and associated patterns of thought as a form of ‘therapy,’ performed upon philosophy and society.   It is our view that this therapy he offered to our civilization mirrored precisely the personal effort described earlier, in which his life goal was to free himself from the entangling confusions, invalidations, and annihilations pervading the family system of his youth.   In this respect he succeeded in connecting uniquely personal issues to important currents and needs of the larger culture.  His philosophical journey therefore allowed him to find a meaning for his life beyond the narrow orbit of his father’s deadly narcissism and helped him avoid the tragic fate of his brothers.

     Let us turn now to one of Wittgenstein’s (1953) most important specific ideas: that of a so-called language game.   It is an elusive term that he never formally defined in his various dialogues, so one has to note how he used it in various contexts and extract a meaning.   Of course one of his most well-known formulations is that “the meaning is the use,” and exists nowhere else, which is a distinctively post-Cartesian view of semantics.

     We think of a Wittgensteinian language game as a set of words and phrases, along with their customary usages, that form a quasi-organic system, such that when one uses one or two elements in the system one is catapulted into the whole, subject to its implicit rules, in some respects trapped within its horizons of possible discourse.   The German word for this is Sprachspiel, and the word obviously derives from spielen: to play.  A language game, in whatever sphere of our lives it becomes manifest, encloses us within a finite system of elements and possibilities, and subjects us to rules we knowingly or unknowingly tend to follow.  Such a structure literally “plays” with our minds, shaping and directing our experiences according to preformed pathways and constraining them within pre-established boundaries.  Wittgenstein wanted us to become aware of these systems in which we are all embedded, and this would be part of his therapy for our whole culture.  The goal is one of ushering in a greater clarity about what we think and who and what we are, illuminating what he spoke of as our “complicated form of life.”

     The primal language game of this man’s personal history was the communication system in his early family, which designated his existence – and those of his doomed brothers – as playthings, almost like chess pieces belonging to the father’s controlling agendas and properties.  A clear perception of the mystifications and usurping invalidations of his early family world would obviously be of assistance in this man’s attempts to find his own way.   He tried mightily in his philosophical reflections to release his discipline and the world at large from its “bewitchment” by language, even as he was able to free himself only very tenuously from the spell cast by his father.

 Kierkegaard, S. (1834-1842) The Journals of Soren Kierkegaard. Excerpted in Bretall, R. (Ed.) A Kierkegaard Anthology, Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press, 1946.

 Wittgenstein, L. (1922) Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus. London and New York: Routledge, 1974.

 Wittgenstein, L. (1953) Philosophical Investigations. New York: Macmillan

Mary in trouble

When Mary awoke, she felt the pain in her ear was worse.
I think must have an ear infection, she said to Annie while she was beating the doormat
on the wall to get the dust out.
Maybe you should stop cleaning and housework.You are releasing lots of dirt into the air
You are right,Mary replied.It’s just what Mother used to do
But did she have a hoover?
No, we had a Ewbank.
Get a cordless cleaner and it will suck the dust out for you
Thanks,Annie.I think I will go to the Urgent Care Centre.I don’t want an abscess in my ear to explode,as it were.
I’m sorry I can’t come but they have restrictions about how many visitors go in
Mary called a cab.Soon she was in the almost empty hospital.How much she would have liked a companion.Still, there is always God, wherever he has moved to.
A young woman with thick frizzy fair hair called her in and said that she was a GP
Mary was thinking how much better her pale lips would look with some lipstick
As for her clothes, it is best to remain silent.I suppose doctors can’t afford to go to M & S nowadays
Mary thought.
There is some wax in your ear, the doctor told Mary in a cruel manner
That’s good.I need a candle,Mary said inventively
Then the maskless doctor stood in front of Mary and peered into her mouth.
Shee pushed Mary’s crutch away and announced, there is nothing wrong with you
You must go out and make new connections, do things, go to Dances, play Bingo
Get up and walk, she advised , Jesus remarked in the Gospel l,though he also asked the cripple to take up his bed yet there were no beds left in the hospital
Oh,dear Mary said I am not wired myself as yet.My body is running on sunshine.
Do you think I should offer my supine body to the lonely old men living in the big houses near here?
I’m afraid I shall have to charge them.Do you have any free room with an elecric socket that I might use? And we’ll need a bed
The beds are all full, the doctor replied
Good grief, how many people are in these beds? Do they share?
Don’t ask me.It’s my coffee break, the young lady cried
Mary struggled up and went outside to call a cab
At least it’s been a change of scene yet as the cab drove her home, the pain began to get worse.
Is Mary going to make it?


To be concluded shortly
Funeral arrangements by the Coop. if needed


Emile’s jumper


One evening Mary got earache so bad she was anxious if her brain might be damaged
What’s wrong,mother? mewed Emile her small black cat
I’ve got earache, she told him.And I am still not your mother!
When will you be my mother?
If the law was changed we could get married,Mary said wittily
I can’t marry you, it would fee like incest,Emile whispered
I don’t expect to have a sexual life with you, but you could massage by legs and run up and down my spine
Anyone can do that.
Well, not a dog I hope,Mary giggled.No I love cats
After watching “Princess Di, the true story” on their tablets,were both happy to rest in their beds
Mary woke up to find her earache was worse, like a knife running into her head
Stan, she cried, where are you? I need you!Come home!
Emile ran in, with tears in his eyes
You know Dad is heaven,Mother
Yes,said Mary, though he could be in Purgatory
Is that because he had Annie as his lover,Emile asked
No, no, l love is not what I’m thinking of.I bought a very nice bag in Somerset as my workbag
When he left our flat to get the train to work, he had taken my bag not to mention six notebooks with unlined paper I was going to use for Art
So what did you say. Mother?
I said nothing.Wittgenstein wrote
Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must remain silent
But you could have thrown a bucket of cold water over him,Emil said angrily
I doubt Wittgenstein would like that,Mary smiled
Sometimes we just have to let things go or go into a bohemian boutique ..
I went into one and got a yellow cord skirt of unusual design and some deep red trousers
Did you not wear a top,Emile enquired jauntily?
No,I went to give a lecture on 3 dimensional calculus nude from the waist upward
Did nobody say anything?
I was so thin I looked like a boy and they were all enraptured by my words anyway
Those days we were civil to others and ignored their errors or that their trousers were ripped
and that some shirts looked crumpled.We mathematians don’t care about these things.
Then they saw DPD had a van outside. man crossed the road wth several parcels from
M&S.
Mary pulled put a long green wool coat and a cashmere hat
So who doesn’t care,Emile mewed?
I thought it would be good when I need to sit on a wall.The moss on walls is green.
Well,I can see the sense in that, he replied
In ran adulterous Annie their neighbour and Stan’s former mistress
Oh,I have bought one of those.I fear they will shut down
and it’s hard to buy a tailored wool coat these days.They have merino wool jumpers too
Perhaps I’ll buy another, she muttered.
Can I have a jumper,Emile asked?
May I
May I what?
Have a jumper
I am not human, he mewed.Don’t be rude
I will knit you a jumper,Mary told him.Let me know the colours you like
Don’t climb a tree in it or it might catch on a thorn
Oh, mother, thank you,Emile murmured as he fell asleep

Cats looking at us

Why ?




Do I need permission to be sad;
Or wish that I could cut out my own heart?
Strangled with the tension,feeling mad
Usurping God to declare that I am bad
Who can give permission to be sad?
Unwind the soul by pulling on a thread
Where can self destruction make a start
Can’t we help each other when we’re sad
Refuse to inflict damage on our hearts?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Try for a sort of controlled uncontrol,then.my dear, he murmured..

Image

And here are Pandora’s socks, Professor Smith, quipped, as the female student in the front row fell asleep whilst sitting upright in a large armchair covered in chintz
And I also have Achilles’ heel here.
Now for your project, I want you all to say Three Hail Mary’s.
A large bee stung my ass and I awoke and coughed up my soul onto the bed.
Get back inside, I cried. Keep me whole, give me oil, keep me churning.
Alright, it muttered calmly. Don’t lose your head.
I have it well screwed on, I responded.
This is a surprise to see you.

Well, since Pandora lost her socks all the souls have been getting loose from their bodies.Women…why do they lose their socks so much?
After that, the doctor called.
Hi, he screamed.
For God’s sake, don’t do that, I  murmured
I’m not dead you know..even though my blood pressure is zero.
He smiled and handed me a blood sugar monitor.
Here you are, this will cure your pneumonia.
What about my new mania?

What is that?
I am interested in spirals…
Keep it under control.
The whole point of mania is to be out of control
Try for a sort of controlled uncontrol,then.my dear, he murmured.
What a clever idea, I told him. Goodbye

I swallowed the test kit and it cured my pneumonia immediately

Silently they weave



A space to be unseen

Small rain in summer
Pools on large green leaves,
Makes all birds dumber
Silently they weave.

Wrens fly to and fro..
Nesting near the house.
They know where to go
With nestlings and spouse.

Simple life of green
Hiding in lush leaves.
A space to be unsee
n
Humans only grieve.

Where is our safe space,
Where can we live well?
As anguish veils the face
In green thoughts I dwell

Mary eats out

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Mary was going out for a meal with some former colleagues who had taught under functioning analysis and triquacking theory.She stood in her bedroom, surrounded by piles of clothes, wondering how hot the restaurant might be and how cold and frosty the air in the road by the bus stop.
I think I’ll phone Pete she told herself.
Pete answered on the first ring.After so many years, she still recognised his semi- South African accent and pleasing voice
Hello,it’s Mary Dirac-Brown hers, she said shyly.
Hello Mary Dirac-Brown, he responded instantly
Why, he sounds like the Amazon website, she thought to herself.That figures!
Hello Pete, I was wondering if you could give me a lift to the restaurant tonight
You don’t need a lift, it’s on the ground floor, he informed her quietly and sensitively
I mean in your car.I can’t drive now.
Why not?
Actually, I never took the Test because I always drove very fast
Why didn’t you use the brakes? he teased her.I reckon you might have passed.
I stopped the car and vowed never to drive again but now it is a problem with Stan  dead etc
Well, what time do you suggest? Shall I come earlier?
Why does he say that ,she pondered
No, it will take ages to put  all my clothes away.I can’t make up my mind what to wear.
Why not just copy Hilary Clinton?
I must not buy any more clothes.Shall I dress smartly? Or smart casual or unsmart?
I know, said Pete.Shut your eyes and pick up 3 things off the bed and then wear those.
Mary closed her eyes.When she opened them she had a pair of Arran legwarmers, a green silk shirt and a black pleated silk skirt.
I suppose if I wear my new long camel coat, the leg warmers will be hidden, she whispered.She took a bottle of dandruff shampoo and washed her light gold locks and then waxed her bikini line by mistake.
My goodness,  why and how did I ever think of doing that, she pondered ruefully?And in the winter who wears a bikini?
Dressed in her pure silk outfit, the legwarmers hidden under thigh high red leather boots, she created a buzz in the restaurant as she climbed in through the window followed by Pete in his yellow wool suit and green tie.
Why did you come in via the window, asked Tom McDonne, the former head of  her maths department.
We didn’t see any doors, she cried gaily.And Mossad wants more women agents so I thought MI5 might like to see me.
Who is this Mossad, Tom asked?
It’s the Israeli intelligence service.You must have heard of them.
But they don’t want old people! Tom told her ignorantly
That’s why we came through the window, so if any spies are here they will see how agile I am still.And I still know what uncountable infinity is.Aleph, aleph.
Tom led them to a  long table.
Wow, it’s a log table Mary screamed.I’ve not seen one for years.
Well, with computers and such like we don’t really need them anymore, Tom revealed.
Are they real logs, she queried.
No, they are vinyl, the waiter admitted furtively.Easier to wash
Mother never washed my log tables, Mary told the men impudently.
Let’s order some food, Tom said, as they all sat down
I fancy the Polish Hussar Roast,  he admitted.
What has a Polish Hussar ever done to you, Mary asked?
Nothing yet but I live in hope
And so do all of u

I need your words

Why did you not speak before you died?
I need words,I can’t interpret smiles
When you said you loved me, did you lie?
When you could have heard me, you would sigh
Why did you not speak before you died?
Where is Reason when it’s not applied
Why do lovers not respond to cries?
Why do we beget yet not beguile?
Why did you not speak before you died?
I need your words,I can’t interpret smiles


The Iron Fist

I missed the flowering of the maple tree
Where red leaves swell like baby’s growing fists
i fear to struggle there, what shall I see,
Just the doves and sparrows flying free?
Missed the flowering of the maple tree
But watched less subtle human comedy
Saw politicians flounder, saw ships list
Missed the burning of some red leaved tree
I wonder when they’ll break the baby’s wrists
?

Benefits of age

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

No need to do assertiveness training
No need to become charismatic, thin,stylish, eat what you hate,
You can pretend you can’t see someone and they will asume you are blind not rude
Similarly, pretend to be deaf as and when
Be polite to the poor and rude to the rich, who will assume it is dementia not rage
Give away all but one pair your shoes… my husband did this, how I never discovered
Ditto with clothes
No need to use antiperspirent any more, if you ever have done
Pretend you are not English.Maybe you aren’t
Stop watching the News and look at the night sky instead
Doze all day and sleep all night every few weeks
Do take up Art as even if it’s awful, people will still be amazed that you are learning it
Ditto with writing Poetry
However do not buy a violin or your neighbours will kill you

What is an idiolect?

Dictionary idiolect/ˈɪdɪəlɛkt/ Learn to pronounce noun

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  1. the speech habits peculiar to a particular person.”in his strange idiolect, he preferred to call angels ‘angelicals’”

Translations, word origin and more definitionsDefinitions from Oxford LanguagesFeedback

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Oh Virus

We’re solitary,sad, confined by fear
Of death, of intubation, loss of breath
The Virus is the ruler bringing tears

No escape to the Garden for the beer
Instead we’re mulling over our own death
We’re solitary, sad, confined by fear

The lack of freedom is now far more than clear
We live in groups,we’re all subject to wrath
The Virus is the ruler, makes us weird

We cannot kiss the ones we feel most dear
Especially if we have a hard,dry cough
We’re solitary, down. confined by fear

The heart may burn, the heat will kill or sear
Few folks now are seen to smile or laugh
The Virus is a Terror bringing tears

Tell the Terror firmly to be off
Suck a sweet and that will clear your cough
We’re solitary,low, confined by fear
But still we love the ones that are so dear


Heart


A meta- poet who writes about the art
Who wonders if we need a special gift
A better poet who writes from their deep heart

A problem is the first line where we start
Do not try to make that writing swift
A meta- poet who writes about the art

In my mind the little fishes dart
I try to focus on the ones bereft
A better poet who writes from their own heart

In live writing there’s no graph or chart
No wondering whether we go right or left
A meta- poet who writes about the art

There’s little to be gained by being smart
We need slowness though we must be deft
A better poet who writes from their own heart

Slowly we combine the warp and weft
The sentences of God are hard to match
A meta- poet who writes about the art
A better poet, a universal heart

Conversations warm

We do not want to feel

Emotions can be difficult to bear
But maybe they bring something we should hear
A message or a wound we have ignored
Action’s needed or we are destroyed

Being happy always is unreal
Living in compartments now concealed
If you cannot bear your pain alone
Seek for conversations that will warm

Loving neighbours comes extremely hard
If from our own suffering we are barred
Imprisoned feelings make us tense as boards
Stiff like wooden puppets,s frozen hearts


As they say, the way out sends us through
The feelings that we did not know we knew

Tears and rain

The trees are weeping tears of loss and grief
The storm attacked them while they were in leaf
Birds fly by my window, very close
I have not cut the shrubs so near the house

So this garden is my private wood
Shared by birds and beatles and by God
For I find God in silence, long and green
And in the little places in between

Yet I am sad my man has had to die
After several years my heart still cries
The house, the pictures, stoneware seem to speak
I cry for him when sound is absent,bleak

Now the grief is less I miss him most
He seems so far away, in tears he floats

If I kneel down can God hear me pray?

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  1. My food’s no longer bagged when it arrives
    So I buy plastic bags myself instead
    Then I have to stand close by the man
    Helping him use my bags to put it in


    So now I buy black bags and other types
    I use more plastic than I did, can this be right?
    I also have to stand near my front door
    I can’t stay safe distant any more

  2. I see some shops deliver in brown sacks
    Made of paper,easy to unpack
    I wonder if I can get mine there
    When I find out who the people ar
    e

    Now I get more angry by the day
    I think if I could kneel down,I would pray

Green path

By the green path, sheep were being sheared
The shepherd composed in his mastery
The sheep were not as frightened as I feared
Down the green road, sheep were being sheared
The world was never gentle, why my tears
The force of Nature, fearless, has endured
Whether there is Good is mystery
Down the green path, sheep were swiftly sheared
The shepherd humble shows his mastery

The nameless and the named

https://youtu.be/WZIsiv3wkGYe

Words are not the object they describe
Maybe they are pointers,are a guide
Warm, the word. does not make many hot
Warmth refers to quality or not

In between the word and what it names
There is a space where others might seek change
Then we have the nameless we may see
Outside any box or category

Now there is no subject, just the text
Where are those ancient scrolls that once were blessed?
For books are not just many written words
They’re touched by all the people who have read

Am I nothing but an aching gene
Watching Princess Di now on my screen?

The broken doll

They gave me a small watch on Xmas Day
But with a watch an eightyear old can’t play
I envied both my sisters theirnew dolls
As on the old settee the dolls were lulled
I stood there uncomprehending and alone
Had I reached unknown a real milestone?
Then my sister lent me one of hers
I broke that little head upon my chair
I was holding her with all my tenderness
Scarcely breathing in my velvet dress
I sat down slow to rock my babe awhile
The horror of her cracking head was vile
Now I play with numbers and with words
Xmas is a problem to be shared

The reason was my Dad was dying.He wanted to give my older brothers and me
watches as he would not be here when we were 21.The watch was a traditional
gift then.

I may be a weed

Think of this, a weed still has its flowers
They may be small, like ivy  they may spread 
We must  display ourselves, not cower
Until  the   moment comes when we are dead

Does it matter that you hate my guts?
That you dislike my face so pink and white?
I am happy to deflect your bombs so hot
The nuclear  option seems so very trite

I am me and I may be a weed
The definition falters as we talk
Let us be judged by all our deeds
The sparrow  must be careless of the hawk

I no longer want your letters vile
Be gone from me and you will make me smile

Odd memories

Trolleybuses in Manchester - Wikipedia

From Wikipedia 

When I was about 3 years old,my parents took us to a park in another town
It was very pretty.Then we went to the bus stop to go home.
.I sat in the front seat and I think my brothers were further back along with my  parents
The bus drew up at the bottom of our street, and my dad was busy helping Mum
with  the push chair and my sister
.I just sat where I was.I saw them all  sstanding on the pavement
Suddenly just as the bus set off, they realised I was missing.I can remember seeing
Dad running after  the bus .I felt no emotion.
At the next bus stop,Dad got on and took me back to  the  family
I can’t   understand.Why did I not feel anxious? Did I want to get away
from them? Did they slap me in the park? It was very  common then to beat little
children but I didn’t feel distressed
I will never know why I did this.And Mum and Dad have died.
I can’t remember much from that time.We had no car so we often went to Parks on Sundays

Embrace the silent peace

Underneath the silence there is peace
A stratum clear ;a different way of life
With music ‘s just discernible relief

In the calm we find a pure release
Love can heal the wounds of a sharp knife
We embrace the silence ,welcome peace

The self may break ,may shake in disbelief
Render us to fragments,soul denied
Does music make  the painful thoughts decrease?

Do not bury loss and hide your grief
We mourn what’s gone and those who have late died
Company in silence brings us peace

Did you see your body lying creased
On the bed below your hiding place?
Play with music, pray for some  release

I find myself lie broken in a box
 A jigsaw needing time beyond the clocks
Underneath the silence there is peace
I pray the silent music brings relief

The colander

 

person holding a bible
Photo by Luis Quintero on Pexels.com

Mary came home to find Stan crying in his old chair
What’s the matter,baby, she asked gently?
I feel so stupid, he told her.I was in the kitchen getting a drink but the running water made my   bladder want to empty
Well, we do have a loo in the hall
I forgot that so I picked up an old pan and used that
That’s ok,dearest, she whispered
Then I realised, it was a  colander!
I am sorry,Mary,
Well, it’s nothing.Women are used to things like this.
Hi said Annie as she  ran in with  her pink cheeks glowing
I  have got a steam mop today and I’ve just cleaned your kitchen floor.I’d done mine earlier
That is very kind of you.We had a bit of a problem in there
Yes, the tomcat up the road seemed to have left his mark but it’s ok now
She smiled at Stan. who still looked nervous.
I’ll buy you a steam mop for Xmas.I think of it as a toy and I am  killing Roman soldiers with the steam or I have other little fantasies
So do I,Stan muttered
Why don’t we have a cup of tea?
Mary carried the tea in on a wooden tray
Mary, that’s my desk drawer.
Don’t tell me you were going to wee into this
No, I brought it down  to shake the dust out before I put my pens and paper back
Well, remember, chamber pots are never  made of wood.
Wow. how amazing Why  not ?
Because it is porous so stuff soaks into the very wood itself
Annie said, why do you need one when you have an ensuite plus  a loo in the hall
Maybe   it is my second childhood,Stan joked  merrily
Emile strolled in
Smokey and I have been in the woods.The kitchen seems very   clean
I’ve been trying my steam mop on it,Annie reported
Very nice, said Emile,I’d like a small one
Cats don’t mop floors, mewed Smokey
Maybe we will be the first
Just to make sure Dad is well I’d better ring 999
Stan is not your Dad and he does not want to see anyone
Why not?
He wet the floor
Humans suffer so.We mate with all and sundry, wet the  ground and eat the meat
when you forget to freeze it
Well, never mind.We do have a bit of fun
Have more,Emile mewed
And so say all of us