Our Father,Aneurin Bevan,
Exploded is thy game;
Why,Kingdom come,
Before thy will be done.
Gone N.H.S.Gone Heaven.
Give us fair pay,our daily bread;
Don’t leave us on piece rates,
As we confront those who legislate against us.
And feed us not with deprivation,
But deliver us from Weasels.
For thine was the Fair Game,the Hour and the Story
Maybe once but ever again?

Our father Aneurin Bevan

Uploded was thy game;

Why,Kingdom come, Before thy will be done. No N.H.S.No Heaven. Give us fair pay,our daily bread

Don’t leave us with C-PTSD

As we confront those who legislate against us.

But deliver us from Weasels.

For thine was the Fair Game,the Hour and the Story

Maybe once but will it be ever again? …

When Mary woke up she could see the sun shining through the curtains. How lucky, it was going to be another bright day. She lay in bed trying to decide what to do. then she remembered that she could not go out because she was waiting for the pharmacy to deliver her medication.
Owing to the cutbacks in the NHS the pharmacy was struggling to cope with all the prescriptions received especially from the older folk of Knittingham who have been put onto statins,calcium channel blockers, beta blockers, tranquilizers, antidepressants mini aspirin, warfarin and even anti-psychotic drugs because they did not believe Theresa May was a was a real living person so were diagnosed with schizophrenia.
If Ronald Laing was here now he would be rolling in his grave because he said schizophrenia was caused by people being put into an intolerable situation within the family of origin or more likely within Society if we can still iue the word
Is Boris Johnson real? Michael Gove… he’s hardly looks human;you see if you do not agree with what the majority of people think then you are defined as mad.
This means that all the Jews in Germany and Austria and other countries in Eastern Europe were crazy in 1938 because they did not believe that Adolf Hitler was a good leader for Germany and indeed was a dangerous and evil human

And when they were taken to Concentration Camps and murdered or shot in their thousands by the advancing German army on its way to “defeat” the Soviet Union in 1941……….. were they out of their minds?
Who do you think was crazy then?
Who is crazy now?

Well, Mary thought this is not going to get me very far I better make myself a big mug full of hot tea so I can take my antibiotics.

I really wonder now if original sin is real or whether it is a society that is evil. Western societies have nuclear bombs, military forces and many such things. That must tell us something.

Mary was looking in her wardrobe trying to find something to wear. She picked out a skirt of many colours rather like Joseph’s coat would have been in the Bible. That didn’t do Joseph much good do it?. With that, she wore a blue acrylic jumper whose neck was too low so underneath she had to wear a purple camisole

My goodness, she thought it takes me half the morning just getting dressed; however did we manage to go to work years back?

Of course, when Mary was working she wore just jeans and a sweater.. She even wore underwear but nobody could see it except on one occasion when the zip on her trousers broke in the middle of a lecture.However, the students were very kind and none of them seemed to be looking at it. that was because her lectures were so fascinating that none of the students was looking at her as a woman despite the fact they could have seen her blue silk knickers poking out through the broken zip.

After that Mary realised that it was better to wear a very long sweater when out of the house. How kind her students had been

Downstairs she noticed that although she had vacuumed the carpet in the hall the day before it was still covered in little bits of paper and other tiny objects. I suppose you can’t have it clean all the time she murmured to her cat Emile
It’s not natural to be clean. Are forests clean, are woods clean, is the sea clean? I’d better think about the latter one she thought. after reading the news about the environmentshe knew there were different kinds of cleanliness

There was a kind of a harmonious dirtiness which fostered the growth of plants and seeds and then there was the inharmonious dirtiness of grass verges being covered in crisp packets and empty bottles of Coke and the inharmonious depths of the sea where plastic bags were waiting to kill the whales or the dolphins Yes it is rather difficult to define she decided.

In the kitchen, her cordless vacuum cleaner was waiting to be charged. Had it committed a crime. Of course not, it was waiting to be charged with electricity.

Through the glass door, she saw her friend Annie approaching slowly as she was wearing very high heeled shoes

Good grief Mary cried. I thought all the top people were wearing white trainers this year with designer clothes

Well, I am not, said Annie. I bought these shoes because I have got an invitation to have dinner with that psychotherapist who lives across the road

You haven’t mentioned him for a long time, smiled Mary but in any case, it’s not the time for dinner yet

No it’s not till tomorrow actually but I thought I would try these shoes out and see what I can get used to wearing them so it won’t look as if I’m making an effort to look especially good for him.

The shoes were shiny red patent leather with 5-inch heels.

What makes you think that he will like them, asked Mary tentatively

All men like these sort of shoes and Annie told her.

You can’t prove that. I don’t suppose that the native peoples of North America would have liked women to wear shoes like that

They probably did not even wear shoes at all : they had moccasins with soles, made from buffalos hides…

Well it’s different nowadays

Modern life has made men’s sexual desire disappear so we need to do things to bring it back again

Why, even teenagers have given up sex now!

I don’t think that psychotherapist is a teenager whispered Mary with a smile on her face.

You may be right

When he was growing up women would have been wearing stiletto heels. I had some myself until they got stuck in a groove in the pavement and I had to leave them behind.

That’s why I did mathematics at University. I wanted something more.

That’s ridiculous,replied Annie. I wore stiletto heels and have been married five times and I never wanted to go to university to read anything at all. Especially not physics, mathematics or engineering or difficult subjects like that.
I think it will be a big mistake for women to believe they can get married after they have read mathematics for 6 years at university.
Well I got married said Mary bluntly

You must be the exception to the rule as you are so stunningly lovely and not dominating at all.

Some men like a dominating woman, Mary kindly informed her.

Well, I’ve never met a man like that so far. her friend responded

Maybe you will

I wonder what that psychotherapist likes. Do you not think he will be married already

I don’t mind. I can be his mistress.

But wearing red patent leather shoes makes it all too obvious to the neighbours ; they will think that you are a tart

What, at my age?

There’s no tart like an old tart

That doesn’t mean anything said Annie nervously.

Not logically but it means something even if it’s only humorous. What kind of dress are you going to wear with this?

I got a dress from Dash last year it’s what they call a wrap dress it’s blue and quite demure but I would like you to see me in it to make sure it is not too tight. I hate a dress that is too tight on a woman

But not on a man, I suppose, Mary replied whimsically

I don’t mind what men wear. If they want to wear a wrap dress let them wear it especially in the summertime as these cotton dresses are very comfy in hot weather

But that’s not why you’re wearing one is it? You are wearing it because you think it will make you look sexually attractive

Well, it might make a man look sexually attractive too.

I suppose we don’t really know exactly what makes people look sexually attractive. But why don’t you want to be friends with this psychotherapist first and get to know him and to understand where he is coming from before you decide to wear provocative clothing. if he’s a Freudian he might think you’ve got hysteria

Oh no no, psychotherapists can’t decide something like that from one meeting

We should not rush to judgment.A woman might be wearing a wrap dress that clings to her curvaceous body because all her other clothes are in the washing machine

It would have to be a very big washing machine to put your clothes into it all at once

Don’t be snide it doesn’t suit your nature, Mary!.

Perhaps my nature will change now that I am a widow. perhaps I will say nasty things to people and steal you fruit from their Orchards

Will you start doing armed robbery asked her friend because if you do I would like to come with you

Do you really mean that, Mary asked

Yes of course I do. although I have no guns and I have no knives except the ones in the kitchen

Well they can be deadly. Marital violence has occurred where a long-suffering wife has killed the cruel husband with the carving knife when she was trying to cook the Sunday dinner and he was asking her to cut his toe nails

That’s true but I am thinking of robbing banks and they will not be cooking a Sunday dinner in there will they?

No ,they’re probably going to McDonald’s for their dinner

That’s alright then

I was just thinking of pretending to have a gun and staring at them brazenly

Give me your money I want £50,000

it’s no use, Mary. you look too kind and gentle to be convincing

In that case, I will have to start practicing looking nasty and aggressive

Please don’t do it to me Annie asked. it might bring out the demon in me

I didn’t know you had got a demon inside you said, Mary. has it got a name?

Not so far but I will think of one soon because I am going to buy it its own mobile phone

Why would a demon want a mobile phone? asked Mary

Don’t be so logical. not everything has a reason. I expect they like to look modern like you and I do

Well don’t spend a lot of money on it You can get a Nokia 1 unlocked for £79.99 on Amazon and then you have to buy a SIM card

I would have thought a SIN card will be most suitable for demons,.I shall go and put my new dress on and return here in a few minutes so that you can tell me what you think

Why Annie thinks that Mary is a good judge of clothing is a mystery to all of us as her main interest is in mending gadgets and studying philosophy while listening to Leonard Cohen singing The Future

And it is to all

Now the black sheep’s back inside the fold.

The lost are found,the gate is open wide

We all eat together,timid bold

We weep for joy,our love is not denied

The years of trudging on . through mud and mire

The wounded heart the tears love wiped away

Consolation came, the saints conspired.

The children learnt in stages what to say.

Before we reach the end of earthly life

Before our minds dissolve, before the fire.

Before the husband’s dragged away from wife

Before the eye of God, beyond desire..

The final act of love is reached at last

We know so clearly now that love is just

In the bitter depths of winter night

Boil the kettle, lose your human rights

If you feel depressed then eat our bread

It will remove the skull from off your head

Are you feeling lonesome in the crowd?

Buy our lipstick then men will be cowed

Did you think ceramic hobs were best?

Come to us and have your IQ blessed

I want a pan for halogen hot plates

I’d ask the cat but he’s out on a date .

I need to boil my head and clean my feet

I guess that I ain’t smelling very sweet

Does Confession really help the damned?

God have mercy as the Devil can’t.

What did all those sermons do?
Did they say he was a Jew?
Oh, Jesus.
Did he want the First Crusade
It is his blood the priest creates
Lord Jesus.
I don’t like the way things are
I am getting tired of war
Kill Jesus.
What has human wisdom done
From Wittgenstein to Abraham?
Cripes, Jesus!
Does research improve our lives
As for grants, the scholars strive?
Ask Jesus.
We may have chemotherapy
Radiation, history.
Where’s Jesus?
You’d think that after all the years
We’d have used up all our tears
Sweet Jesus.
Love your neighbour as yourself
Give 10 % of all your wealth
Aye, Jesus
.Do what’s better, not what’s worse
I see another fragrant hearse.
It’s Jesus.
See the plastic Crucifix
See him dying with dry lips
Bend your knees, confess your sins
Otherwise, the Devil wins
Not Jesus
.We destroy the good we hate
Envy writhes and with pride mates.
The progeny will wreck the earth
Eden’s burning as drones pass.
No, Jesus.No Jesus.
Know Jesus.

They want to x-ray God to check his age

But God is here and there and everywhere.

He only had one child so he will swear

The British are annoyed in fact outraged

They think he wants to claim a child’s allowance

God was not born here ,oh refugee

God was never born can they not see ?

Send Bravermann to jail, she must do penance

Jesus died in Auschwitz more than once

Don’t let him come in here we have no room

We have no stables now, his birth is doomed.

The Stations of the Cross are undispensed.

Will they make failed immigrants wear stars

Here we’ve got bad eggs, let’s make a start

Hurl the eggs towards their bleeding hearts

Then get drunk again in some old bar.

They say the country is Christian by and large

So that they can  send religious cards.

And Satan pokes the fire, burns all x-rays

The MRI scans now are all the rage.

Scan them x-ray put them into boats

The evil fires are hot, our eyes are closed.

Wasting life when we would like to dance
Walk in ferny woods. exchange a glance
Can we have a decent person at our head?
Jesus Christ,no b*gger understood

Why be happy when you could feel mad?
Glad that Donald Trump is not your dad
Don’t let logic, reason or plain thought
Sell you something Mother never bought

Why not let the police take all control?
They know how to score a self made goal
They can kill a man and wound a child
Yet kneel down in Church along the aisle

Holding a black Bible in one hand

Will not take you to the Promised Land
Cain and Abel,Jacob and Esau
Does he hope to start another War?

As the old man fell towards his death
They offered us a handrail for the bath

Shattered by their honest,wilful lies
I could not speak, my saliva had all dried

He was walking albeit slowly when at home
When they took him off I heard the groan
Lost inside his head, no wife nearby
Even Satan would have wept that night

Gabriel and Satan, hand- in -hand
Neither one will ever understand
We humans waste so much,we’re almost blind
Full of envy,hate and so unkind

G

There was an old lady from Mells

Who had a strange story to tell

Her husband had died

While while out for a ride .

And his poor old horse died as well.

Coincidence or chance what do you think?

What was the cause of this link?

They were both of an age

When it’s bad to feel rage

Keep your anger in check if you’re drunk.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002f9f4?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

“We are great fools. ‘He has spent his life in idleness,’ we say, and ‘I have done nothing today.’ What! have you not lived? That is not only the fundamental, but the most noble of your occupations. ‘If I had been put in charge of some great affair, I might have shown what I could do.’ Have you been able to reflect on your life and control it? Then you have performed the greatest work of all. To reveal herself and do her work, nature has no need of fortune. She manifests herself equally at all levels, and behind curtains as well as in the open. Our duty is to compose our character, not to compose books, to win not battles and provinces, but order and tranquility in our conduct. Our great and glorious masterpiece is to live properly. All other things — to reign, to lay up treasure, to build — are at best but little aids and additions.” Montaigne.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/belief/2010/may/10/montaigne-philosophy?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

The doctor says I’ve  got the sickest jokes ever
My blood tests were superlative. I’ve got diabetes, pernicious anaemia  and a virus. in the computer.
I have got bow legs as well, but no double bass
I think I’ll get married but the doctor won’t approve,I want to marry the dentist.
I believe that if I learn Russian I won’t get dementia just detentia.
I dream in other languages especially Latin. Quo Vadis? Tantrum  virgo?
Why don’t we give 10% of our money to the poor? They would waste it on food?
My mother and father were very  intelligent.Yet my IQ is  only 65..I must have brain fever
Do we really have any IQ? Plato didn’t!
So many new diseases it seems unfair.
But life is unfair
Is it not?

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2009/jul/21/michael-rosen-writer?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

https://www.theguardian.com/books/2021/mar/13/michael-rosen-this-book-is-about-what-it-feels-like-to-nearly-die?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

Mary and Anny were looking in the wardrobe trying to find things to give to the charity shop . What’s this, cried Annie Oh my goodness, that is the shirt that Stan wore for our wedding It is very bright said Annie. Still in the 60s that was what people wore even men. and what is this black jacket over it? That is the jacket that I wore for Stan’s funeral. Goodness me .I hope it doesn’t make you feel sad to look at them now that you are all alone Well I’m not really all alone. I have got you and Dave and Emile.And several penfriends and my ex- work colleagues not to mention my sister and her offspring who are all very kind But that’s not the same as having a husband, Annie responded sadly. I should know I have lost three Where did you lose them, asked Mary.I know that your last one died mysteriously but what about the others? Well my first husband was a coal miner and I got tired of washing all his clothes because in those days there were no automatic washing machines. I left him and I married a builder who built was a very nice house out in the Peak District . He refused to have any children and I wanted children.I decided to leave him. then I am married my last husband, James. He didn’t die. her ran away with his sister-in-law but I did not want people to know that so I pretended he had died whilst on holiday Some people think you killed him and put him into the wheelie bin ,Mary I told her stupidly How ridiculous he was much too big to fit into a wheelie bin and I could not have lifted him up when he was a dead weight Ahahaha that’s very funny, the cat mewed , a dead weight. Did you kill him? No but I will when I find him again. I can’t get a divorce without revealing his sinful deeds and so I have to be a mistress and not a wife. Since Stan died I have no one to be a mistress to. I keep hoping that Mary will get married again but so far she has not bothered That is not as easy as you seem to think , said Mary Why not ?You are still very attractive you have lovely clothes and big blue eyes. you can do French provincial cooking and plain English cooking; you can speak 4 languages and explain quantum theory to anyone interested, and you are very good at playing the piano. Well if I am so wonderful where are all the men queueing up to offer me their hand in marriage? I don’t think men like clever women even when they are as beautiful and gorgeous as I am. I suppose that men don’t like women who know things that they don’t know. Well I know things nobody else knows like when I had my last menstrual period when I first used Tampax; when I lost my virginity which I’m still hoping to find again. How I set my hair on fire opening the door of the oven when I’d not cleaned it for 5 years ——-there’s lots of things I know that nobody else knows What are the things that someone would want to know , Annie asked her ? Well who knows what men want to know? Do they want to know that I have bought a pair of size 9 Nike trainers in pale lemon and I have darned the hole in a brown pleated skirt …….by the way, why do moths make the holes on the front of skirts? I am sure that a moth does not know the back from the front on your skirts maybe it’s the direction that you hang them in . perhaps you should hang them in the bathroom and throw some Dettol on them How do you throw Dettol. Mary said quizzically, do you mean spray? Oh,let’s not get bogged down in details. you know what I mean you need to clean the wardrobe Well you’re wrong there,Annie because when preparing a moth free environment what I should really do is bring in Emile’s offerings from the garden where he is burying them and put them in the wardrobe Oh my God meowed Emile I couldn’t bear to put my crap in the wardrobe I quite understand st. Mary and I have no intention of putting anybody’s crap in the wardrobe as it is full of clothes thaty are already mostly crap . I don’t agree with you said Annie; you have got some beautiful clothes on you always look really glorious Well everybody has a different taste and it’s unfortunate if you get married to somebody whose taste is the opposite of your own Did Stan like the way you dressed? Well when we got married we were very poor and so I could not do anything about it I had one skirt which I bought for a shilling in a jumble sale at a church in Holland Park; it was extremely short and Stan and liked it very much. then a blouse with long sleeves that I bought for sixpence in the same jumble sale.I had a pair of black trousers from Marks and Spencer’s and a big white jumper from up north and a grey dress that my landlady in Oxford gave me when she was collecting jumble . In North Oxford they have some very good quality jumble. I’m telling you I’ve never been so well dressed in my entire life as I was then .The only problem was that most of the dresses that she gave me were too big for me but I didn’t really worry about that I had a black dress which I wore to have dinner at the High Table in Hertford College I was about a size 6 and the dress was a size 12 but it is very good fabric and quite formal so I thought it would do Then I had a black dress with long sleeves which did fit me but it was very very short and showed most of my thighs; it was rather foolish of me to wear it to a mathematical conference in Dundee in April 1970. You see I didn’t think people would look at me I didn’t exist I was a blank I was nothing but when I saw people staring at me, at me I realised my error When Stan and I had more money I did have some clothes and he liked me to wear bright colours and good cloth that hung well so I did try to please him now and then otherwise I wore jeans with woollen jumpers over the top for warmth,Mary whispered silently I think you are the best dressed woman in Knittingham now .You look better than any middle class woman Go on, which class am I in as Mary humorously. Don’t say that I’ve got to marry somebody in the royal family as I can’t stand Balmoral You’ve never been there. No I don’t want to go there it’s full of midges and blackfly and the Queen goes riding on a horse. I have never ridden a horse in mylLife Mary said sadly How about the Rocking Horse that you had in the nursery That’s not quite the same as a real life horse is it ,Mary said angrily? Don’t upset me ;it’s not my fault that your mother couldn’t afford to buy you a horse’ it was very rare in those days to buy children horses especially when they lived in a two bedroom house with no bathroom inside I don’t think the horse would mind no bathroom as they don’t tend to get washed in the bathroom .I could have washed the horse in the backyard near the toilet and the Coal Shed Or by the air raid shelter Your parents couldn’t afford to buy the food for a horse; they need more than your leftovers That’s true, muttered Mary sadly, but you know I never really wanted a horse I did want a bicycle. Mum would not listen;l so I had to go to Oxford and that was very hard work studying mathematics for years and years so I got in to that course . Then I was able to get a bicycle like everybody else . Now I wish I just stayed at home and got a job working in a supermarket. Why screamed Anny you would have been very bored. not to mention the money I am never bored said Mary because my mind is very rich and I should have been able to daydream and lose myself in reveries while I was serving customers Well God serves those who serve themself Annie said ,to finish the conversation Wat rubbish said Mary;she stalked into the house and put the kettle on to make some breakfast tea even though it was supper time. What we need is a good hot drink and to keep quiet and stop talking all this nonsense. if God wants me to get married again then he will send men to find me and even though I have all these problems like I am very neurotic I am obsessed with details,I write poetry while others eat their dinner. I like mending holes in people’s clothes even if they don’t want me to mend them. I like to go to the toilet once every 4 hours and every 2 hours on Sundays or Good Friday.I like Jews and Muslims and anyone else who seems decent My God I think there’s something wrong with you ! So you’ve only just noticed replied Mary I’ve had something wrong with me ever since I was born But you wouldn’t know that when you were a baby. I suppose not said Mary wildly, but you know being a baby is not always a very pleasant experience,to put it mildly And so say all of us

Enjoy yourself at Christmas

Overspend on your credit cards getting presents that nobody really wants and and then buy ing things you do really want in the boxing day sales

Why not get all your relatives together in an overheated room have a lot of alcohol and have a great big row.

Watch  all sorts of rubbish on the television just because it’s Christmas when you would like to spend a time doing something that you really want to do but you think it’s rude so you make yourself comply after all it’s only once a year.

My cells are opening up like tiny flowers

To the yellow sun and   summer showers

And so I love the world with all my being

With all my senses hearing feeling, seeing.

When I was ill my self was tight and cramped.

As if I were in darkness with no lamp

Even though  the sky is dull today

Gratitude alone will make me pray.

Must our human world be full of fear?

If only we could hold a stranger dear.

For touch, above all else, delights the heart.

This is why we kiss when we must part

Photo by Katherine

When I cannot tell you how I feel
When I want  your presence  without speech
I talk about the weather like a  fool

Sometimes when I’m tired I feel unreal
Or life seems lost and  meaning  outward leaks
Then I  can not  tell you how I feel.

Some months have their winds to make misrule
Others  throttle  throats and freeze the cheeks
I talk about the weather , as its cool.

We must keep moving or our blood congeals
So sheep must  on moorland  frosty, bleak
I don’t want to  lie , for  life is real

When winter mocks our age I find it cruel
Yet you are old and for amusement look
I talk about  the sunshine like a  fool

Oh, happy   snowfalls keeping us from school
As on the ice we tumbled with loud shrieks
When I  cannor   tell you how I feel
The weather  stands for  what  I   have  concealed

https://aeon.co/essays/cheerfulness-cannot-be-compulsory-whatever-the-t-shirts-say

“There is a fundamental difference between practising the Greek virtues of patience, justice or courage, and practising the American virtue of cheerfulness, which borders on psychosis. Patience asks us to change our behaviour, but it neither asks us to feel differently nor to pretend to feel differently. Granted, Aristotle believed that practising patience over a length of time would naturally make us more patient, but pretence was never part of the deal. You can act patient while feeling impatient, and it’s no lie. But when you fake cheerfulness, you are telling someone else that you feel fine when you don’t. This encourages the most maddening American T-shirts and aprons that say: ‘Smile! Happiness looks gorgeous on you!’

Cheerfulness conceived as a virtue – à la Boy Scout Law – instead of a spontaneous feeling is a pretence. It’s not an action but it is an act. Whistling while you work might be worth defending, but forcing yourself to smile when you don’t feel like it amounts to lying to the people around you. ‘Fake it till you make it’ has brutal consequences when applied to the emotions. “

Your false nails won’t come off

You have broken a finger nail

The doctor’s is shut

You self diagnosed with paranoia and seek a place of safety

The cat scratched your hand

The dog keeps barking

You are drunk but coherent

You have a  cold.

You need to talk to someone

You wonder if you might get a cold

Your hair roller has got stuck in your bushy hair.

You  have run out  of elastoplast or aspirins.

You feel bored.

You need a new nose

You have lost the TV remote

You like that tea they sell in robotic machines.

You are sad because one person did not “Like” your photo

Your toe nails are dirty and you lost the nail brush.

You   have no stamps and you need to post a letter [ hard to believe]

You want a pregnancy test. [ How long ago………?}

You have no condoms.

You wet your knickers

You have lost your nail file or comb.

Your cat is ill and the vet is shut

You like eying up nurses.. remember a  lot are now men,anyway… so ladies…No!

You had a row with your wife and are trying to frighten her by pretending to have chest pains.

You hate Xmas alone

Nobody loves you. [ can you prove it?]

You have finished the Fiendish Su Doku Book while suffering gut ache

You can’t stay in on Saturday night

It’s a cheap day out [ but not for the NHS]

Remember it’s for EMERGENCIES

It costs  on average £1,400 per person per visit

And now,Mrs Mary Tan, will you tell the Judge and Jury what you were doing at 6.45 pm?
I was doing the Times Super Fiendish Crossword Puzzle no 76
But why would that stop you answering the door?
Er,I had stomach ache
Do you find Su Doku a cure?
No,I only wish I did.I see how many puzzles I can solve while in the bathroom
What is the average
Three
What is the range?
From 1 to 5.I am afraid I don’t know the standard deviation
What is the most ever
Five.I am hoping they will make some harder ones
So you heard the bell ring.You were upstairs.Could nobody answer the door?
I suppose Emile might but the lock is too high
Who is Emile? Is he your Lover
No, he is my cat.
Can he speak English?
Well,I think so.Why don’t you come round and see him?
I have no time.
So you cleaned the floor and made the bed
Then I set to work on Dirac’s Equation
Does Dirac mind?
Why should he mind? He is dead.
Oh I hoped to see him.
You must go to a Seance then
So you were lost in thought when a magpie tapped on the window
Correct
What does it mean?
It wanted a mince pie.
But who had been knocking on the door
Another magpie
Are you sure?
No.It could have been a Crow
Well, that’s all the questions I have for this person.My Lord
Next witness please
Hello,I am Mrs Magpie
You are human!
I believe so

Case adjourned