Thus God cried out and topped the EU chart

A peaceful solitude can be a joy.
A softer breath, a slower beat of heart.
While our minds are happy unemployed.

As it was for growing girl or boy
Before the throes of adolescence start
A peaceful solitude can be a joy.

When puberty arrives it is no toy
As, from our families, we soon will part
Though our minds are happy unemployed.

We do not wonder what our life is for
Or try to write a CV super smart
A peaceful solitude, remembered  joy.

Tormented  people can be a great bore
Unless we love them fully from the heart
Their minds are never happy unemployed.

I wonder who knocked down the apple cart
Thus God  cried out and  topped the EU  chart
A peaceful solitude can be a joy.
When our minds with God are unemployed.

Are we not too old for pleasures rash?

‘She held me in her arms and caressed me
Though she is 87 . I am 93.
I  felt a warmth run down my outside leg
The dog had peed on me, though taught to beg.
There was nothing else to do but strip right off.
When she saw me nude  it made her  froth
Are we not too old  for pleasures rash?
Why do you not  get the loving crush?
Get into bed and caress my left knee
For it gives excess suffering unto me.
Why go to bed when you need physiotherapy?
I read  that  lesbians enjoy sex,so why not me?
Well do you wish  me  bite   your  outer ear?
No,I prefer the  love without the fear.
Why not hug and kiss and say  night prayers?
We can get to  sex by gentle layers.
No,we are too old we cannot wait
We might die and it will be too late!
Well,if I die there are some younger folk!
Ah,but they don’t talk the way you talk.
So why are we in bed  just to converse?
I just desired to  be me and perverse.
Well, let me rub your back with chilli cream
If it hurts your bum ,you’ll have to scream.
What will the doctor think if I’m all red?
Just tell her   this: a tiger shared your bed
But would a cat be able to apply
This chilli cream to me at its first try?
I guess  I’ll have to  do a Ph.D
Called, what the cats I love have done to me.
Do you think I am a masochist?
I fear I cannot answer till we’ve kissed!
And after that  my memory is quite blank
If I am not a virgin,I’m a crank.
To think I had to wait till 93
To know what my own sex could do  to me.

That’s why I said three.

I remember that wool coat she wore even in summer;
Blue with ridges of black running horizontally.
We walked  along the  bright beach at Rhyl
It was Sunday morning;I has a new missal
I think I lost it with its gold edged pages that morning
I was happy to be alone with her
Just left primary school.
Hardly ever was alone with her to talk.
She seemed almost happy ;three years  of widow-hood
Had almost knocked her down.
She seemed for a few minutes
The woman she used to be.
When you lose one parent, you lose three.
The one left is not the one she used to be
And their conjunction had another being
That’s why I said three.

God’s sacred smile

 

 

fernforestnz

http://home.btconnect.com/mike.flemming/

 

We dwelled inside a sphere of holy love
Which we and angels shared for just a while
Where our below is linked to  heaven above
To  cradle us inside God’s sacred smile.

This state of grace  in which I sang for you
Made all the Ward  turn holy for an hour
As to my love I ever would be true
Even now he was become a withered flower.

Earth to earth and ash to ash we go
With dear hearts holding us in case we fall
And being flesh we all must undergo
An end or new beginning of our call.

 

Once he died, the sphere of grace was gone.
Yet in my mind, that smile will linger on

 

Annie breaks into Stan’s sacred space

Some old Greek writing
Some old Greek writing (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Stan was polishing the windows again with his  big microfibre cloth.The computer was on.As soon as he finished the sitting room windows he planned to look at a google document he was co-writing with hislfriend Annie, on the failings of the British Empire..She only lived next door but they both liked sharing new techniques of various kinds.
He sat down in front of his computer and looked at his email.
There was one from Annie.

“Hi Stan
I didn’t really want to keep some of those remarks you  wrote at the bottom of our document when we were both online,so I have deleted them.  We should have gone into chat mode.They were not related to the topic we were discussing so I know you won’t be mind.And if you ask again we can chat either online or in person about sex and people’s lives
With  my  love,dearest one ,Annie

??????????

Stan felt  furiously angry and cross.  How could she know if he minded or not?
He went dark red as if his head was bursting.What was so dreadful about his remarks?He had only asked Annie if her dead husband George might have been bisexual.Stan had once seen him kissing another man  in the bushes in the park.Annie didn’t seem bothered last night.She never gave the impression to  me she didn’t like it.Maybe she’s not quick enough to react
Anyway she should not have deleted it completely without asking me first.
He sat down on his old Habitat chair [recently mended free on the NHS by Dave the paramedic,] and he  sent her an email saying he was furious with her for attacking his freedom of speech.It was unethical.It .He must assert himself.He would show her!
So he was not going to work with her on any more documents ever again nor chat on IM or Google Chat. Of course he still loved her but his anger was too strong for him to ignore.

Cat alone
When Annie got the email she was completely stunned like a cow   ready to be e.She apologized to Stan immediately but he refused to accept it  ever  even though she begged piteously for forgiveness.
Why did he want to know if George was bisexual, she wondered.Was he saying it to try to turn himself on or me? Or is he just interested in  all  different kinds of sex   and human behavior generally ,like most people are ?But it was not concerned with the document which was about ill treatment of prisoners in India under the British Empire and relating it to other acts  of outrage by the British   Government elsewhere.
I wanted to talk about us,not poor dead George.Whatever George’s sex life,he’s dead now.So l we should leave him in peace.
Meantime.Stan was thinking about how women were always interfering in his life,correcting him and improving his grammar.Making him cups of tea when he wanted brandy and some HP sauce  with his lamb chops not salad
He liked talking about bisexuality.It made him feel a sense of wonder at the differing habits and desires of humans.Why couldn’t she just go along with it or at least say something then rather than deleting his words secretly when he was off-line?Though maybe mentioning George was insensitive even though George was dead.
He was a man .He was not going to let a woman ride over him like a steam roller. Annie must learn her place in the scheme of things.

6429586_72f5d1321d_m
Where is that,asked his beautiful tom cat Emile.
I’m not sure but it’s not above me.It’s either the same or lower.
Can’t you forgive her.She may be in another dimension,another space altogether,another universe of discourse?[He’d been reading  his Wittgenstein again]
Certainly not .No way.Stan answered,
But you love her,you said many times in here.I heard you
All the more reason to maintain some boundaries. Love is not the be all and end all of life for a man!
Next she’ll be cutting bits off me with her dressmaking shears,he cried in outrage and horror!
She’ll castrate me.She’ll turn me into a woman.

6819924_f1126074c2_m altered
She won’t,she’s just a daft  postmenopausal woman,said Emile.She wouldn’t ever harm you.she’s very gentle.you know that,don’t you?
She has invaded me,she has crossed my boundary.
Some people would be glad,mewed the cat.He was always hoping a lady cat would come by. and cross his boundaries or more correctly.he would  be allowed cross hers.
Meanwhile Annie was sitting sobbing  feverishly in her bedroom.She really enjoyed co-writing documents and news sheets with Stan.Now he won’t do it any more, she whispered . He was really mad with her.He must be feeling upset and aggravated beyond  all human endurance.She had assumed too much and now she was paying the price as she lay  on her purple duvet cover with two boxes of Kleenex for men.Even  finding  the Kleenex required for all her sobbing was too much for her.

Cracks in the pavement
She cried and sobbed loudly for a while.Her eyes were bright red and bloodshot. She was so  very sad she had unwittingly distressed dear  Stan.Life is so tough she thought reluctantly.I wish I were somewhere else……maybe in Heaven with George and his bisexual lovers  beside all playing harps or mouth organs  and whatever else the could find up there.
Still,there were those new neighbours who had just moved in across the road.Two brothers,both very handsome.I wonder if they like writing on the computer,she thought.That cheered her up a bit,though she was very fond of Stan.In fact she loved him greatly and had kissed him  many times though she had never actually gone to bed with him ;never known him in the biblical sense.Was that the problem?Too late now either way,she muttered quietly to her goldfish Wayne who agreed with her analysis of the situation .
So in her mind she was moving from loving and adoring Stan to being  loving  towards yet puzzled by him.Was he afraid of being dominated by a woman?What would he be like as a lover?

???????????????????
But why try to talk about bisexuality?Could he not have thought of something else?Like female  orgasms or kissing better?
There was a new book by Betty Dodson teaching  frozen women how to have orgasms.Would he have enjoyed discussing female anatomy and pleasuring her naked female body and all the rest.
Well,she would never know now.That was certain.Thank God I’ve found out what he’s like before things went any further.He might be a little too dominating.Though a certain amount is necessary for the  consummation of love.She was so upset her thoughts began to turn towards women.
Would it be better all round to love a woman instead?Especially as I could show her how to have an orgasm having being studying this book for some weeks?Though she may already know,I guess.Still,a change is as good as a rest, so  the proverb says.
How do I find a woman who’s into other woman, as it were, she thought.Can I find one on the internet?Will there be a club we can go to? How exciting!
So Annie grew more optimistic.A woman wouldn’t mind a few words deleted from a chat either.So a feeling of mild joy came over her and her sobbing died down.

??????????
Stan was sitting in his kitchen feeling superior and dominant.Except Annie had not come for coffee so it was hard being dominant all by himself.He began to feel depressed and morose.Should he change his mind?Would he lose his window of opportunity?
Why is life so trying.Why are women so manipulative, why do they all turn out fakes and bitches,he asked Emile.Why won’t they love me as I am?
It’s partly one’s own character,Emile replied.
Hearing this Stan lost his temper and threw  the kettle of boiling water at Emile.Luckily it missed but Emile stalked out and went off to the shed leaving Stan more alone than ever.
How hard life is Stan shouted. I feel like topping myself. I”ll jump off the roof. of the civic center.I’m going to ring the f*****g Samaritans.
Just then his wife Mary walked in.What’s up Stan?
Nothing dear.I just dropped a brick on my toe
Why have you got a brick in here,in the lounge?
I was playing with it.
With a brick?
Well,it has a certain cold masculinity,he replied assertively
Cold masculinity?. Shall I make some drinks? Mary asked tenderly
Yes,please,dear,very kind
Oh,look there’s Annie walking past arm in arm with a woman.
I knew George was bisexual but now I see she is also or maybe she’s turned quite gay!Were they both gay?
Well,it’s not our business,said Mary quietly.
Aha,thought Stan.That’s what you think.If only you could see inside my mind!Inside his mind though ,he was wondering if Annie would ever see him again.But I will not forgive her,I won’t.I won’t!
What he might have said more truthfully was “Can’t”
For indeed,it is hard to forgive people for trampling into one’s sacred space even if it is an accident or misjudgment not a deliberate attempt to dominate.but …….
Life is sweet and yet very hard too for all of us but forgiveness helps

Kleenex logo
Kleenex logo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But it’s wrong to kill and wound.Even yourself ,I had assumed

p1000273-2

Pray Father , please hear my confession.I have sinned during this dreadful recession
What,again? What’ve you done,you naughty man? Maybe you stole a pancake pan
Nothing.I did.Nothing at all.Yet I am going up the wall
Then  why are you here? Why do you  fear.Sartre’s nothing  in a bier
That’s what I’d like to know myself.Why have the police  got all my wealth
Well did you walk? Or did you run? Getting to church is such good fun
No the police brought me in a van.I know nothing about a pan
Some folk will die to exercise.Tell me, truly, do you lie
No,I’m a criminal,Father Brown.I am famous in this town
You get free transport from the police? When will you get  the full release?
They were charging me with onanism  just for fun but decided it’s not  done so I said, take me to a priest.He will hear me out at least
I don’t understand, in this sweet  land Why did they  that  think you had sinned
I told  them. myself  for alibi.I thought I’d  give Onan a try.They got me for  murder  which  was  a lie
You should sow your seeds, you know,my son.Some men say it can be fun
I live in a terraced house with  none.I  have not got my own garden
Sow them in someone else’s then.In such a case it is no sin
But isn’t it wrong to offer my sperm to a lady  out of turn?
Everything  is wrong  on earth today.See what the ladies have to say
Well, what a surprise.A shock indeed Are you descended from Augustine’s seed?
He wasn’t married when he died.I don’t know if he had even  tried
But he said before being dead ,Lord,  make me free of lusty thoughts.I’ll get killed if I am caught
True,but it ‘s a very long time  since then.Who can say if he  sinned?
But men still feel like that, don’t they? I have heard some boast all day
So do women,yes they do.But first you have to charm and woo
Well, they’re  ironing and washing.Not so good for heating passion
I think they ought to wash   before they dry.I’m  man, so hi  di hi
I’ll tell them but you tell me Should I wash  before I woo
Before  you woo, what else to do?
Flattening myself with the  red hot iron.Then they’ll love me when I’m dyin’
A novel way  of suicide.I once tried when down in Hythe
I thought I would at least look real  nice.That  makes it worth the heavy price
But it’s wrong to kill and wound.Even yourself ,I had assumed
Everything’s wrong,you told me so.Why not choose the time to go?
But that is wronger than most wrong.The birds will lose their evensongThink of those left  here behind! Keep their faces in your mind
They can follow free of charge.All they need are irons large
If we did that the world would end.Utter blackness would descend
Seems like it’s going   that way now.I’m just helping  in the how
Are you curious to know  who wins the vote?
I have lost my three remotes
Have you got a radio? They will tell you  when they know.
I am sorry for my sins.It seems that evil often wins
For your penance  eat a cake.Then go rambling by the lae.If you see a pretty girl ask her if she’s like a whirl.

Stan in hell

 

 

  • Stan was standing on the patio when a sudden downpour drenched him all over.
    This is like a monsoon,he murmured to Emile who was also getting very  wet.
    A head appeared over the fence.
    I’m awfully sorry,old boy.A pipe has burst in Annie’s loft.
    Wow,I don’t believe it.You are Stan Brown.It must be 50 years since I saw you as a student… you were hopeless at logic then
    Stan was hiding his surprise at seeing Rudolf Hairnet,his former  tutor at an ancient foundation of learning and sin, in the garden of Annie,Stan’s beloved once more [now he has swept out his sacred space and put a bolt on the door.]
    Why not pop in Rudolf,he said.I’ll leave the door open and go upstairs to change my clothes.Be with you in a moment.
    Stan went upstairs and removed his clothes.His body was now as thin as when he reached his full height of 6 ft 6 inches but alas it had less muscle and more fat..He gazed into his wife’s mirror.
    To his surprise he saw Satan looking out.Although he knew this was possible for sinful Catholics he had never met Satan before.
    How do you get behind the mirror,he asked gently.
    God only knows,said Satan morosely.
    Why not ask him? Stan offered.
    I’m too proud,the poor devil replied in a bleak voice.
    Well,we all have our pride,Stan told him,though no doubt yours is the biggest  size in the universe.
    Yes,indeed,Satan answered.
    Are you here for any special purpose,Stan enquired.
    Yes,your home seems more intriguing than most and I like to watch you in bed with that flame haired woman.
    I see,said Stan,You are a voyeur.
    That’s one way of describing me,Satan said,no woman will come to bed with me so I am trapped here behind every mirror in the world.I can see it all but never take part.
    You must be very lonely,said Stan
    Yes,the dark spirit muttered.I am.
    Are there no she-devils about who might oblige you?
    I don’t seem to fancy them so much.They are all as bad a me,I want kindness and tenderness not just lust.After all,one might satisfy that with a vibrator… we have them in hell you know!Free as well.
    Why,you are beginning to sound almost human,Stan told him.That’s what we want too.If only you would apologise to God I am sure he would forgive you and let you come into the real world of others instead of being trapped in there
    Stan heard a noise.He turned round displaying his bony frame and his organs to Rudolf.
    Are you ok?I was worried that the drenching had knocked you off balance.I have put your kettle on the fire to make you a hot drink and phoned 999 for aid.
    But we don’t have a fire,Stan responded anxiously.
    Well,you do now said Rudolf,so let’s enjoy the flames while we can.
    To whom were you talking in there?
    I was on my mobile,said Stan defensively.
    But where was it?You had nothing on ?
    On second thoughts,please don’t tell me.I’ve heard some strange stories but arsing about with a why,hi phone is not one I wish to dwell on.
    That’s logicians for you.No interest in the wilder shores of life ,Stan told himself as he went downstairs and joined Rudolf in a good cup of tea with sugar and biscuits
    And that is what I need to recover from writing down this very odd tall story…
    And so does Dave the poor young paramedicKindly refrain from reblogging or re- tweeting as amusement often offends.

    Please read with baited breath.You may catch something.

    Do not email you comments to me at :kitswits@hellsangels..co.uk

    nor at  :cleverlady@hotmail.hell.com

    Thank you for obeying me.You will ge rewarded in Devonn.

Mary is worrried:tales from the UK

On Saturday afternoon after luncb ,or midday dinner as we said up north before winning places in posh universities  which stole our native language, Mary began to feel very nervous, as she was going to the hospital with Stan on Monday for his next appointment with Dr.Range Rover.
Mary was puzzled.She felt almost happy last week about seeing this kind hearted and gracious well dressed female doctor.However she had been shunted sideways onto a male doctor who was almost totally silent.. so much so that he seemed to absorb Mary’s questions into his sponge of a brain without feeling the need to respond.
Why do I feel so apprehensive this week? Mary asked her dear black cat Emile.
After all.I was happy to see her or to even have a biopsy last weekend.Why have I changed in my feelings so much in a week?
Does it matter? purred Emile.
Maybe your mood is affected by something else.. like fatigue or housework or the ravages of age… [he was well read]
We don’t always know why we feel a certain way but I feel it’s good if we are willing to accept these negative moods.Even I have my moods when the fish you get me is not the right sort and you don’t give me my cat’s handkerchief neatly ironed.
You are so wise,Emile,especially as,being a cat,you never have to endure these interviews with consultants in horrible outpatients clinics.So you must have a wonderful empathy for humans
This lady doctor tomorrow is exciting me,cried Emile loudly.May I come  with you inside your Grace Kelly handbag.
What’s wrong with my shopping bag? Good grammar,by the way..
Well,she wil be surprised if you take a heavy shopping bag even if it has a Mondrian design on it… she may get suspicious.. even paranoid.If I am in your handbag she will not realise.
Not unless you miaow,mused Mary benignly as she smiled down at him her singular eyes gleaming like the headlamps on a Roller.
I like to know the reason for things,she continued somewhat frantically.I think therefore I might be eventually.I am not yet,for sure.
Does everything have a reason,shouted Stan querulously from the hall…
Well ,it does,but it might be beyond human understanding like the Burning Bush..
We can only perceive what our language permits unless we are poets,mystics or artists and even then it’s tough to venture into the unknown,unthought or unknowable..
languages develop in societies and learning your language embeds you in many cultural assumptions without you realising it.You think it’s reality when it is just one perspective.
How true,screeched Annie their neighbour from outside the open patio door.

She stopped there in her teal velour tracksuit with pink bra peeping and  with  unusually  orange  lipstick  and  toning turquoise  eyeshadow and   on her feet were striped trainers with  red lights on which might give men the wrong idea about this pure and rich lady
You seem to be overthinking,she said to Mary.Are you sickening with the heat?It’s like loving too much, which may be co-dependency.
That’s a very silly pc word,said Stan rudely.We are all dependent but men can hide it until their wives run away with the milkman and they get a shock not knowing how much they’d miss her changing the sheets and buying their underpants and socks.And ironing their hankies
Surely that’s not the main reason a man might miss his wife,cried Mary as she carried in the tea tray with a big white insulated teapot.
Well,you can go on the web and find a virtual sex partner or even buy a dummy woman. but it’s tough to find a devoted woman who knows what you need to function.
Why don’t you buy your own underwear and use tissues?,asked Emile
Well,Emile,I put out the rubbish and wash the heavy Le Creuset pot.I see to the car and bikes.I paint the fence and even bake cakes.
Mary washes the clothes and changes the sheets unless she has an idea to write down.She kindly does all the worrying for both of us and I remain calm like a lighthouse.We complement each other ideally.. and we love each other and a few others as well..without giving away our secrets
That’s one waay of describing it,thought Mary without commenting out loud
Anyway,I am still wondering why I feel nervous about Dr Range Rover….
If you accepted the nervusness it might ease,said Annie wisely in her highly pitched  voice like a car siren going off at night
Just then the doorbell rang.It was Dave the bisexual transvestite paramedic.
Emile phoned 999 saying Mary was having kittens, he said rapidly.This really must stop;inter species sex is not allowed here like most sexual activity
He was speaking metaphorically or is it metonymically,Stan groaned.
Now you are here go and make us a fresh pot of tea and admire my new tea caddy.I bought it for Mary last week in that  new  ironmonger’s shop in town.
At your service,sir,Dave said politely,his flowered dress waving in the breeze.
Do you know anything about Dr Range Rover,Dave? Annie murmured
What is her reputation etc
Some people like her, Dave said,Usually men.she’s not so good with women..
Well it’s too late to change thought Mary so I shall have to willingly endure the agony of meeting her again as I cannot leave Stan on his own with her…
why who knows what might happen? She might become his mistress as he likes several nowadays. despite nearly being too thin to live…
God only knows, a little voice said.
Hello,said Mary.I’ve not heard from you lately.
Well,I am still here looking after you
Thank you, Lord,I love you, Mary shouted joyfully to the surprise of Stan and Annie, not to mention the cat Emile who was unlearned in the religion of his owners.
I thought you were an atheist,Annie said with horror.
I am an atheist and I still  believe in God.It’s what we call a paradox..Mary cried graciously….
What would Wittgenstein have said?
Whereof one cannot understand,therof one must be patient and tolerant,.
Why does Mary need to understand all her feelings…Stan wondered
When it’s raining she doesn’t spend hours wondering why and similarly if it’s raining in her heart she must take it like parched grass…she thinks too much.
Too much for what? Her sanity perhaps which has at times bei.ng doubtful but that has made her very understanding to those who find life hard.Everyone has value,even mad,nervous half blind, supersensitive, vulnerable,stout arthritic female mathematical geniuses like Mary.She enriches the tapestry of life in a very real sense as someone once said
And so say all of us,she’s a jolly good Fellow of All Proles College,Oxenford..you know how famous it is!Or soon will be.

Word Maps

This was written whilst I was thinking a great deal about maps which are  mental concepts,though they may be depicted in atlases or in other ways depending on what they describe.A word is a map We need to feel reality through our senses.This is a problem with modern technology too It’s easy to read or write all day on your computer ,but not a goo d thing if you don’t have sensuous experience too.See,hear,sing,dance,touch,taste …take a chance,enjoy romance,dance.Glance,

 

POEM

A map’s a guide to find a world

Knitted by angels,plain or pearled,

And though you need a map as guide,

Keep your own eyes open wide.

I spent a year caught in a map

Until I found a big enough gap

I crawled out through this exit slit,

So here I am,like some half wit

Words can act like heroin,

You live so high ,where I have been.

But onto earth I gladly fall.

The air the sun the rain is all.

My senses are my lovers long-

My ears,my eyes,my skin my tongue.

The winds caress my naked flesh,

To dwell on earth is all I wish.

I’ll live with mice and birds and plants,

I’ll share my food with miscreants

I’ll keep my words inside a tin,

And only, now and then,go in.

I’ll live with cats and spiders three.

And like a wild flower grow quite free.

I’ ll give my words to those who hear,

And eventually I’ll disappear

Earth to earth then ash to ash

When soaked with rain I shall disperse.

My atoms wing like butterflies,

And to the Flower I’ll fly,disguised

Humour before bedtime

little tree32_nRabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. “Herr Altmann,” said his secretary, “I notice you’re reading Der Stürmer! I can’t understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?”

“On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, that we dominate in the arts, and that we’re on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know – it makes me feel a whole lot better!”

Annie’s new autumn outfit

Photo0324Annie was getting ready to go out with Stan to a Wedding.She wore her newest Autumn/Winter clothes.On her lower half she wore a full,long snakeskin print skirt over a fifties style stiff petticoat whilst on her top half she wore a deep ochre boat necked jumper.Underneath  her skirt a pair of chafe prevention shorts gave her extra warmth.She debated for a while about shoes and eventually decided her teal calf length boots from Hotters’ Sale with a pair of socks from Next would suffice,She looked in the mirror.Her freshly washed hair[ with a sulfate free shampoo ] sprang from her head not unlike one  of the Gorgons’ distant relatives.

shoppingPicking up her full length leopard skin coat from Jacques Vert and her red handbag she ran to the door where Stan stood.He wore a machine washable suit from Marks and Spencer with a blue flowered shirt and striped multicoloured tie from TieRack .His short hair was covered  by a woollen hat as they were going to a Jewish Wedding and he did not wish to offend anyone with his bald head.

How does my   new makeup look asked Annie?

I can’t see it at all,Stan said shyly.Do I need my reading glasses?

It’s what they call the natural look,she replied.I have got on continuously creamy foundation in light beige over  Clarins every day moisturiser and  tjeir sunblock Factor 50.

It is so expensive that I can’t eat meat fo a month.

My goodness, Stan moaned.What shade is that  lipstick?

It’s called Romantic Rose,she said .but it’s really more a light coral with a hint of red.

lipstck

As for my eye makeup,it’s the usual purple mascara and teal eyeshadow.

Do you think coral and purple go together? said Stan  querulously.

Never mind,she replied,I am more worried about my skirt.Is snakeskin a mistake at a Wedding ?

Oh,no,said Stan.It will remind people of Adam and Eve in Eden.And the snake is also a phallic symbol which seems good..I am just not sure about the leopardskin coat.

Don’t worry she replied I have got a plain dark brown coat in pure new wool here.Shall I wear that?

Stan sat down  on a folding chair to wait for her to finish powdering her complexion with MaxFactor Creme powder and topping her lipstick with a thin coat of some preservative so that if she kissed anyone the lipstick would not bleed into the fine lines around her mouth.

Suddenly Stan’s chair folded up and threw him to the ground.

Is it broken ,he asked nervously from the doormat..

No, it’s ok.I don’t want to ring 999 now.Let’s see how it is when we get back.

Right,said Stan.Let’s go before any more chairs collapse or any paramedics arrive.

The creaks of loving:Stan gets a surprise

 Cracks in the pavement 3

A surprise

Stan and Annie have been having such a lovely time since Mary went off.Stan has quite given up his addiction to microfibre cloths and polishing the windows.He and Annie can now make love at night and go out for trips in the day time.
Emile’s diary is getting quite full although he is worried he may bebanned from sleeping on the foot of the bed soon as he may be in their way.How will he know what they get up to?
Luckily there is a gap at the bottom of the door so he should be able to see them in the mirror opposite the bed.They usually light the bedside lamp so as to see into each other’s eyes.
~Annie is a very bold,confident woman.Despite being rather plumper than is medically advised she loves her body and lives happily in it now she has true love.
One morning Stan goes down to make some tea whilst
Annie comes to.
“Stan,come here quickly!”
“What’s wrong,my little lamb chop?”
“I feel sick!”
“Was it those old sausages we ate up last night?”
“No,it’s a different sort of sick!”
“You don’t mean………..?”
“Yes,Stan,I’m afraid a miracle has happened!”
“But you are 55 and I’m 90.Surely we can’t have a baby!”
“Well,the ways of God are strange.” she murmured.
“I don’t want to bring God into it.” he riposted.
“Are you not pleased we are still fertile?” she asked
him humorously.
“Well,in the abstract I might be but in the concrete it
could be awkward.” he said furtively
“What do you mean?”
“Well,Mary will be coming back in a couple of months,you
know”
“We don’t have to tell her you are the father.I could
pretend it was the new Vicar at St Andrew’s”
“But he’s gay!”
“Not many men are able to resist my charms and skills.”
“I can believe that,”Stan answered lubriciously.
“But will you have to seduce him soon before he notices
you are pregnant>”
“I wasn’t thinking of actually going to bed with
him,”said Annie with a smile.
“Oh,dear.I was looking forward to that,”Emile murmured
under his breath.
“That would have made my diary into a best seller.”
“Gay vicar seduces middle aged harlot who is now
expecting.”
It sounds a bit like the old Bible stories except they
had no vicars in those days.But miracles like older
women bearing children did happen so…who knows?
Stan and Annie got dressed and went into the kitchen.
They were both looking confused.
“You don’t want an abortion do you?” he enquired
tenderly.
“No way.” she replied softly.
I love you so much,I could not wish for more than to
“In that case,I’ll tell Mary.She is a very wise woman in
many ways,though a bit lacking in the earthjer side of
life.She has not slept with me for thirty years or
more.”
“Perhaps she thought you were too old?” said Annie.
“No,she never enjoyed it.She just put up with it as she
wanted a baby.”
“Maybe you did not turn her on!”
“I did my best,but she preferred reading Proust and
“I wonder of she has Asperger’s syndrome?”
“Well,they do find social life trying but I suppose she
can’t blame you for loving another?”
“No,she’s very broadminded.I’ll suggest we all move in
together.I’ll divorce her but she can have the big
bedroom and we’ll have the guest room with the en
suite.”
“I think this will be fun.”
“Well,not all of it but it will be intriguing,”
“So no need to seduce the Vicar,then?”
“We’ll leave him out of it.He might fall in love with
you and then what would happen?”
God only knows,”She answered humorously as she went
into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.
Read more about this next week or it may be too late!

Baptism by love:Stan suffers in the Rehab Unit

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Art by Katherine      

After church on Sunday Mary decided to visit Stan , her elderly ,gentle and  frail  husband in the Rehabilitation Unit where he had been sent recently by a strange physiotherapist…He was unhappy as the diuretics made him pee even mo e often than he used to do and  he got very worried about it because his bad heart made it extremely hard for him to walk.
When she went into the small  four bed ward she saw Stan sitting on his chair without any pyjama trousers on even though it was visiting time from 3 to 8 pm.
Why has he no trousers on? Mary asked a nurse angrily, her blue eyes full of unshed  glistening tears which almost washed off her turquoise mascara and made runnels in her honey beige foundation by Rimmel of London and Paris
He keeps wanting  to  go to the toilet so it’s easier for us   all  if he has no pants on,the nurse told her haughtily.He’s on diuretics,you see as he has water in his lungs and other inner organs and the water has to be removed from his body,Sheila ,the nurse announced ina cold voice
What about the lack of dignity in baring him to the world,Mary enquired softly yet piercingly her eyes dripping tears again.
Dignity,what’s that? the nurse said insolently.He is just a pest. And old men don’t deserve any attention.We are tired of them.They should all die now.Thats’s government policy it appears
Emile who had hidden in Mary’s old,but good olive green Radley leather handbag let out a sound like a banshee in Cork or a demon in a nightmare.
The nurse looked  quite frightened
What’s that? she whispered to Mary behind her hand.
It’s probably Satan coming to say ” hello” to you as you seem very wicked to me.Mary informed her politely yet honestly in her Northern way.
Oh my,what shall I do? the nurse asked in a trembling voice.I am so upset now.
You could try reading the Ten Commandments,Mary riposted jocosely… if it’s not too late.
Or recalling the Golden Rule………
I’ve never heard of the golden rule,said the nurse.Is it a measuring instrument of some unusual type?
Yes,in a sense it is,Mary said.It measures us by our compassion towards others.And you seem to have none for Stan.Can you not imagine what it’s like being a man sitting half naked in a public room with no recourse?
What’s a recourse,Sheila, the nurse, asked her thoughtfully,Is it a garment like a dressing gown?
No,it’s a a source of help in a difficult situation.It’s a remedy or an  option
I have a higher degree in nursing,Sheila boasted stupidly.
I don’t care if you have a doctorate in nursing and philosophy,Mary cried.It’s what you do and say to the patients that counts.And going to an evening class in English would do you no harm.Your vocabulary is limited,to say the least.And words are useful  whatever job you do.Or even if you are unemployed it helps you deal with bureaucrats
Oh,dear,said the nurse,I am sorry for being so thoughtless.I am always thinking about sex,love and clothes instead of the patients.I see now I have fallen into evil ways and hope I can improve a little.
You have been cruel, said Mary.And seeing my aged husband like this is breaking my heart.
She went over to Stan and sat by him.He fell against her bosom hungrily.Alas it was not for erotic reasons.His blood sugar was only 2 and his BP was 60/40.He was dying there with no trousers on and with no-one but Mary to help him… and Emile, their small  intelligent black cat ,of course.Unfortunately Emile’s trousers were too small for Stan

.Mary wrapped a bath towel around Stan and held him in her arms.
Stan tried to speak but Mary could not make out what he was saying.Tears ran down her  beautiful lined and wrinkled face and dripped onto Stan’s head.I suppose one might say it was a kind of baptism by love.Now Stan will be entering a new dimension and will be given a new and better name by One who cannot be named here.But you catch my drift?

Judgement is mine says the Lord.

The Messiah is a cat

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    T
    he Vatican by Mike Flemming 2015.Copyright
    Stan awoke feeling very thirsty.My, this bed is much  too hard,he thought.He put out his hand and felt some wood not far away.It was his desk.
    Emile was lying on his stomach purring.
    You fell out of bed,the little cat miaowed.Luckily I clung on with my claws and I am ok sleeping down here….I can see any mice better.
    Well,it’s not ok with me,Stan informed him gently.How can I get up from here?
    He picked up the Cambridge Companion to Sylvia’ Plath and banged on his desk softly.
    Mary was awake and heard a strange sound.She got up and found Stan lying on the floor with his head by his desk.
    Emile wanted to sleep by the wall,you see.,he told her.
    Then he rolled over and I fell out.

    Vestibule and Chantry Chapel Eastbridge Hospital) (c) Jane Risdon 2015

    http://youtu.be/pT9CdnfFET8

    That is logically and scientifically unsensible,Mary told him.Surely Emile is not so big that his weight was enough to knock you out of the bed?It is against the law of g.ravityAnyway,why don’t you get up?
    I like it  down here,the old man lied to her.
    OK Mary said,then she picked up the phone and rang 999.
    Hello,she said.My cat is very upset as he feels guilty for pushing my husband out of bed.
    How terrible for you,the man answered.I’ll send an ambulance right away.
    Mary opened the front door and left it unlatched whilst she lit the electric lights with a match.

    How do you feel Stan,she enquired

    .I am thirsty,give me so brandy,he ordered her politely as he was very full of kindness.

    They said not to let you or Emile drink or eat.

    Blooming ridiculous,he told her in a manly fashion
    Soon the ambulance arrived and the paramedics were running up the stairs to seee the poor cat.
    Mary fainted so they laid her on the bed whilst they comforted Emile and cleaned his paws.
    Then they picked up Stan and laid him right next to Mary,his wife.
    Why don’t you have a bigger bed,one asked Stan.
    Bigger than what,he responded academically.
    Well,if you were any fatter you’d not be able to get laid with your wife.
    True,he replied but I am 96 you know.I have erectile malefaction already  and am unwilling to have more mistresses and lovers or even concubines.
    I shall make you some tea the female paramedic told them forcefully
    Well,you don’t seem to be hurt,the other one told Stan, but the cat may need therapy or counselling because of the guilt he will feel.
    He’s not  a Catholic I hope.
    No, he’s Jewish,Stan shouted  nervously.
    That’s alright then.He can have concubines if he chooses.How do cats get to be Jewish? anyhow
    It’s their souls,Mary said…they are all waiting up there for a suitable place to be reborn and some choose to be cats.
    But how can you tell? he asked wonderingly.They have no prayer shawls
    They miaow in Hebrew,Mary said loftily.And they like to sing the psalms before bed.
    But how do you  know it’s Hebrew,he replied.Do you speak it?
    No, it’s just he hates bacon and peperoni and always wears a hat so it seems he must be one of Jesus’s friends,but not Judas of course.I suppose Jesus wore a hat but it’s never been found as yet.Not even being sold as relics.

    .http://youtu.be/8SCorW9r_Is

    Well,that’s intriguing.Do you think Emile might be the Messiah?
    Oh,dear.We never thought of that.Will he have to go to Galilee and catch fish and walk on water?
    No, he can go to Rome and tell the Pope that the Church is not what God planned.
    I hope they don’t kill him,Mary cried…
    God will not be very happy.
    I didn’t know God had moods,Stan said.
    He has post-creative depressive disorder….no wonder when we look round he world.
    Still they did try,I’ll say that for him or her.
    And so say all of us
    For he’s a very good yeller,he’s a very good yeller
    A cat’s life is a fuss.Miaow

Emile gets his nerve back

  • Wikipedia

    Stan was happy for a few moments when he woke up.Then he realized Emile was not anywhere to be seen.Mary had already gone out as she wanted to catch a very early train to London.She needed to visit the British Library.She urgently wanted to find evidence that Wittgenstein wore a hat in bed.
    Stan went searching around the house but Emile had vanished.Usually at 8 am he would be dashing about pretending to chase flies and giving a balletic performance worthy of Sadler’s Wells.
    I wonder who Sadler was,Stan muttered as he filled the kettle with fresh water and put some Earl Grey tea into the teapot.
    Then, a strange feeling came over him.He looked up and there was Emile
    crouched on top of the highest cupboard in the kitchen.
    Emile,he cried,What are you doing up there?
    I’m training to be a spy,Emile replied nonchalantly.
    But how could this kitchen be of interest to the Intelligence Services?
    Well,the cat murmured,I am practising hiding.
    You gave me a terrible shock,Stan said.I had this feeling I was being watched.I wondered if it was paranoia.Then I saw your gleaming eyes.
    So,I need to get some dark glasses,Emile said.
    No,I would still feel that horrible feeling.And how were you planning to get down from that high ledge?
    I’m not sure,the cat mioawed faintly
    Well,the first lesson for a spy or even a detective is,
    Never go anywhere unless you can make a quick exit,
    As it is,I may have to ring 999.
    Just then the front doorbell rang.There stood a man with a white beard and moustache.
    Hello,he said holding out his hand to shake Stan’s.
    I am called Peter Fried.I have just moved into one of the new flats across the road.I am a psychoanalyst.I have taken on another flat to use as a consulting room and a waiting room
    A psychoanalyst! Do we need one round here? Well,Good morning,I have just brewed some tea.Would you like to join me?
    How kind,said Peter.
    I say,old bean,did you know there’s a cat on top of your cupboard?
    Yes,that is Emile.Today he has surpassed himself in wickedness.How I will get him down I don’t know.
    My training analyst used to say,What goes up must eventually come down.
    That seems a bit weird for an analyst.To what was he referring… something to do with sex I don’t doubt.It’s all sex with you people.
    Yes, some of us are very peculiar…that’s why we enter the profession.
    What I meant was,if Emile got up he can get down.How did you get up,Emile?
    I leaped,answered the tense animal.
    Can you leap down?
    I’ve lost my nerve,replied the poor creature softly.
    Well, as it happens,being a therapist,I always carry few sparwe nerves with me.I’ll climb up this stepladder and pass you a new nerve.
    And without waiting,Peter climbed the ladder.He put his hand into his pocket and pulled out a golden thread.
    Here you are,Emile,Catch this in your claw.
    Emile caught the golden thread and wrapped it around his neck.
    Can you leap down now? enquired Stan.
    Emile leaped down and landed in a bowl of hot water in the sink.
    It’s a good thing I wasn’t making chips,laughed Stan.
    Come here,Emile and let me dry you on this old towel.He put Emile
    in front of the fire and he and Peter drank mugs of Earl Grey tea.
    I have got a mistress,Stan told Peter.
    Well,do you want therapy for your conflict?
    Oh,no.I’m far too old for therapy or indeed for a mistress.I was wondering of you would perhaps be interested …she just likes to spend a little time with an intriguing man.. talking, drawing graphs, interpreting data,making tea,calling the ambulance.. you know what I mean.She likes the paramedic,Dave.
    Is she not married?
    No,her husband fell into the wheelie bin during the night and alas he was taken away with the rubbish.
    That is a strange story.Are you certain?
    No,it could be he grew tired of her and ran away.Then she invented this story,
    Well,this may be a quiet suburb but I can see there is plenty of material here for me to write my next book:
    Deceptive appearances and the fascination of apparent dullness.
    Oh,that sounds very unusual.
    Well,I’ve never believed in true dullness.There is always a story.
    See,I’ve just met you a man of 98 yet you have a wife, a mistress and a crazy cat.. and I’ve only been here for one day.Imagine 6156119_f260

    what else I may discover here.
    They heard a siren.
    Oh,no!We’ve not even rung 999 and here is the ambulance….
    Mary will be so angry..You see Dave is bisexual.
    My goodness,are you having an affair with him.
    No way,shouted Stan.My life is tough enough already.He can be bisexual or even trisexual but I’m not interested.
    What does trisexual mean,enquired Emile.
    I have no idea but I thought it sounded good,admitted Stan.
    Peter stood up.
    I think I’d better go home and start to see my patients.
    Now Emile,put your nerve somewhere safe.We don’t want you to lose it again.
    Thank you,darling cried Emile.I think I’ve formed an erotic transference with you already.
    Peter rushed out.
    Is it me or is it them?he wondered.
    I thought it would be quiet here on the edge of Knittingham but I think now wherever you are there will always be something unexpected happening.But I hope Emile will not begin to follow me around.I shall have to buy a lady cat and then Emile might fall in love with her instead.So off Peter went whistling a Bach cello suite and wondering how to cope with life in a suburb.. clearly it was not as dull as he had imagined.

Emile and his cat therapy:On the sofa with myself

Emile’s pyscho-analyst

As the new day dawned,Peter Fried.. that infamous psychoanalyst woke upto find himself in the washing machine yet again.He unwound himselfand crawled out.On the table was a note.
Dear Peter,
I washed up..hope you had a good night in the washing machine.Speak to you soon…Best wishes,Susan.

He moaned loudly at the prospect.Perhaps staying in Hampstead would have been better but he felt an obligation to spread his new therapeutic methods to the less civilized parts of Britain… such as Knittingham.But he had already met the most peculiar people who had caught him on their pan and would soon be eating him for dinner.
He looked out at the street… but there peeering into the window was Emile. the well loved cat
For,God’s sake Emile… why are you back here,he whispered.
I’d like to finish off your curry,Peter.
How kind of you.. please come in.
When Emile came in he jumped onto the couch.
You can’t eat it there,Emile,Peter said politely.
Well.. the truth is..I think I need therapy.Is it very expensive for cats?
I don’t recall anyone having treated a cat before.
This could make you famous,Peter.
Well,why do you think you need therapy?
I am suffering from a severe case of unfulfilled love.
You have problems with your lady cat friend?
No, no… the problem is I am in love with Susan.I dream of her every night.
And what are you doing in the dream?
What would you be doing,Peter..
I’m afraid the analyst must not reveal themselves,the cunning man responded rapidly as he blushed shyly.
And my second and more serious problem is that I am afraid I may be bisexual…I love you now as well as her.Is there any hope that i can return from neurosis to just the normal unhappiness of life?
Well, for a start I’d stop reading Freud..And let me ask Stan whether he is willing to pay for therapy.
Is it very expensive? asked the cast pensively
I let you use my washing machine free but he must pay for the soap powder.
What, are you going to give me washing machine therapy.
Well,it may be the best for you as the mud you lick from your fur may be affecting your brain.
Any other type of therapy?
Well, we might try Mindfulness or Meta-cognitive therapy.
That sounds very complicated.
Well,apart from that,you can keep busy , avoid coming  here and don’t touch  my best  suit…
But can’t you write a paper like Freud wrote about the Wolf Man? Emile enquired with a strange enchanting charm

Wow,Emile you are very clever but alas that does not make people happy as you are a mere cat.It causes envy in their souls.So just mew now and then and purr and soon you will find a lady cat to love,I feel sure.You must not free associate as we now know Freud was mistranslated and he meant, Fee Negotiate.That means fight over the money you pay.I am not happy as money is the root of much evil especially when it is stolen from the poor to  give to a witch or a wizard living in West Finnisterre or Doggerell.

And good night to you all and may God bless you all, some more than others

 

Xmas Eve with Stan and Mary

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  • Mary liked that moment on mas Eve when at last she closed the front door after Stan had carried in the last bit of shopping and the shops would close for a while…Although many only close for one day,there is a still a feeling in many women’s hearts that they must stock up with all conceivable food and drink.At one time Stan baked bread so there was no panic buying of elderly sliced loaves from newsagents shops,just in case the real bread ran out. After all one might eat fried mince pies and eggs for breakfast or curried Christmas cake with brown rice and bananas in lemon juice for dinner. Man cannot live by bread alone and here we can all agree even if we are not religious. Mary walked down the hall and into the green and blue kitchen.
    Mary walked down the hall and into the green and blue kitchen. I’ll make a good cup of tea now,she cried to Stan. Thanks,honey. he replied in his kindly way.Any choccy biscuits?Stan loved a chocolate biscuit but parsimony made Mary refuse to buy them weekly.And also Stan himself believes that if you eat something every week it’s no longer such a treat. Mary poured the boiling water into the tea pot and at the same moment she heard a familiar voice. Hi,Stan,Hi Mary,can I come in and have a chat now? It was Annie their stunning neighbour wearing a long green tartan wool skirt and a cashmere and merino jumper of ocean blue. Her eyeshadow was teal and her lipstick was pale pink and shiney like a well polished mirrror. Why Annie,you match the kitchen,said Stan.You will have to move in. Where would I sleep? she enquired roguishly In the dog’s basket.It’s quite big… it was made for a St Bernard You don’t have any dog,Annie cried through her luscious wasp stung pink glowing lips. There’s no law that stops cat owners buying dog baskets.Stan said humorously. But it seems silly to me,Annie murmured.A waste of money. Well,we did think that if someone wanted to stay over they could sleep in it. What a strange idea when you have a five bedroomed house with 3 en suites and a sprinkler in the garden. Well,we had the dog basket when we lived in a small flat and have never updated our mental set ups.Stan lectured manfully. How do we update our mental set ups,asked Mary with a twinkle in her large blue and singularly beautiful eyes. Well,Mary,look at you.I asked you to buy a laptiop ten years ago but you were convinced that you would never be able to learn how to use it.Clearly with your mathematical training and you love of philosophy and your three higher degrees in real and complex analysis you were judging yourself wrongly….. but why you think you can’t do certain things I am not able to say.You might date it back to always being asked to do too much as a child. Yes,said Mary.When we got an electric cooker,Mother could not work the timer but she knew I could do it.But it was only by trial and error,not to mention trial and terror. Annie said Thank God I was backward as a child so I played with dolls till I was fifteen and then I played with a boy in the shrubbery and he played with me Very nice I am sure,Mary said icily.And you still play with yourself nowI expect. How dare you said,Annie.I play by myself but not with myself. This is all very odd,thought Emile. Can a cat play with itself? Yes,I have played with my shadow on the big brick wall… all alone.Does Annie play with her shadow? That must be good fun. Suddenly the door bell rang very loudly making Stan turn green as he fell off his chair onto the red cork flooring.In ran Dave,the transexual paramedic.. Here I am and I have brought Emile 12 mice pies,he cried merrily Are they sweet or savoury ,asked Stan curiously. I dunno said Dave.I got’em in Waitclose.You could phone them. All I want to know is, were the mice raised in a suitable environment with fresh air and plenty of natural food.Are the pies full of taste enhancers and dangerous chemicals? Oh,my said Dave turning red,I only got them for Emile not for the Queen Mother. Well,Stan said, we must be consistent in life and what is wrong for one species must be wrong for all. But can you prove that,asked Mary.Suppose some mice have been eating food in a house where they only eat ready made meals and buy cakes in a supermarket.Folk in such a house would not mind their cats and the mice eating food full of all manner of preservatives,flavouring of a artificial type and going without five fruits a day.I can’t imagine a mouse eating five fruits a day.He’d prefer five spoons of bread and cheese grated. I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently. I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    day.He’d prefer five spoons of bread and cheese grated. I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently. I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    Well,Mary,look at you.I asked you to buy a laptiop ten years ago but you were convinced that you would never be able to learn how to use it.Clearly with your mathematical training and you love of philosophy and your three higher degrees in real and complex analysis you were judging yourself wrongly….. but why you think you can’t do certain things I am not able to say.You might date it back to always being asked to do too much as a child. Yes,said Mary.When we got an electric cooker,Mother could not work the timer but she knew I could do it.But it was only by trial and error,not to mention trial and terror. Annie said Thank God I was backward as a child so I played with dolls till I was fifteen and then I played with a boy in the shrubbery and he played with me Very nice I am sure,Mary said icily.And you still play with yourself nowI expect. How dare you said,Annie.I play by myself but not with myself. This is all very odd,thought Emile. Can a cat play with itself? Yes,I have played with my shadow on the big brick wall… all alone.Does Annie play with her shadow? That must be good fun. Suddenly the door bell rang very loudly making Stan turn green as he fell off his chair onto the red cork flooring.In ran Dave,the transexual paramedic.. Here I am and I have brought Emile 12 mice pies,he cried merrily Are they sweet or savoury ,asked Stan curiously. I dunno said Dave.I got’em in Waitclose.You could phone them. All I want to know is, were the mice raised in a suitable environment with fresh air and plenty of natural food.Are the pies full of taste enhancers and dangerous chemicals? Oh,my said Dave turning red,I only got them for Emile not for the Queen Mother. Well,Stan said, we must be consistent in life and what is wrong for one species must be wrong for all. But can you prove that,asked Mary.Suppose some mice have been eating food in a house where they only eat ready made meals and buy cakes in a supermarket.Folk in such a house would not mind their cats and the mice eating food full of all manner of preservatives,flavouring of a artificial type and going without five fruits a day.I can’t imagine a mouse eating five fruits a day.He’d prefer five spoons of bread and cheese grated. I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently. I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    Yes,said Mary.When we got an electric cooker,Mother could not work the timer but she knew I could do it.But it was only by trial and error,not to mention trial and terror. Annie said Thank God I was backward as a child so I played with dolls till I was fifteen and then I played with a boy in the shrubbery and he played with me Very nice I am sure,Mary said icily.And you still play with yourself nowI expect. How dare you said,Annie.I play by myself but not with myself. This is all very odd,thought Emile. Can a cat play with itself? Yes,I have played with my shadow on the big brick wall… all alone.Does Annie play with her shadow? That must be good fun. Suddenly the door bell rang very loudly making Stan turn green as he fell off his chair onto the red cork flooring.In ran Dave,the transexual paramedic.. Here I am and I have brought Emile 12 mice pies,he cried merrily Are they sweet or savoury ,asked Stan curiously. I dunno said Dave.I got’em in Waitclose.You could phone them. All I want to know is, were the mice raised in a suitable environment with fresh air and plenty of natural food.Are the pies full of taste enhancers and dangerous chemicals? Oh,my said Dave turning red,I only got them for Emile not for the Queen Mother. Well,Stan said, we must be consistent in life and what is wrong for one species must be wrong for all. But can you prove that,asked Mary.Suppose some mice have been eating food in a house where they only eat ready made meals and buy cakes in a supermarket.Folk in such a house would not mind their cats and the mice eating food full of all manner of preservatives,flavouring of a artificial type and going without five fruits a day.I can’t imagine a mouse eating five fruits a day.He’d prefer five spoons of bread and cheese grated. I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently. I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish men sometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    Sintriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    But can you prove that,asked Mary.Suppose some mice have been eating food in a house where they only eat ready made meals and buy cakes in a supermarket.Folk in such a house would not mind their cats and the mice eating food full of all manner of preservatives,flavouring of a artificial type and going without five fruits a day.I can’t imagine a mouse eating five fruits a day.He’d prefer five spoons of bread and cheese grated. I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently. I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently. I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s you can’t do certain things I am not able to say.You might date it back to always being asked to do too much as a child. Yes,said Mary.When we got an electric cooker,Mother could not work the timer but she knew I could do it.But it was only by trial and error,not to mention trial and terror. Annie said Thank God I was backward as a child so I played with dolls till I was fifteen and then I played with a boy in the shrubbery and he played with me Very nice I am sure,Mary said icily.And you still play with yourself nowI expect. How dare you said,Annie.I play by myself but not with myself. This is all very odd,thought Emile. Can a cat play with itself? Yes,I have played with my shadow on the big brick wall… all alone.Does Annie play with her shadow? That must be good fun. Suddenly the door bell rang very loudly making Stan turn green as he fell off his chair onto the red cork flooring.In ran Dave,the transexual paramedic.. Here I am and I have brought Emile 12 mice pies,he cried merrily Are they sweet or savoury ,asked Stan curiously. I dunno said Dave.I got’em in Waitclose.You could phone them. All I want to know is, were the mice raised in a suitable environment with fresh air and plenty of natural food.Are the pies full of taste enhancers and dangerous chemicals? Oh,my said Dave turning red,I only got them for Emile not for the Queen Mother. Well,Stan said, we must be consistent in life and what is wrong for one species must be wrong for all. But can you prove that,asked Mary.Suppose some mice have been eating food in a house where they only eat ready made meals and buy cakes in a supermarket.Folk in such a house would not mind their cats and the mice eating food full of all manner of preservatives,flavouring of a artificial type and going without five fruits a day.I can’t imagine a mouse eating five fruits a day.He’d prefer five spoons of bread and cheese grated. I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently. I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    Hi,Stan,Hi Mary,can I come in and have a chat now? It was Annie their stunning neighbour wearing a long green tartan wool skirt and a cashmere and merino jumper of ocean blue. Her eyeshadow was teal and her lipstick was pale pink and shiney like a well polished mirrror. Why Annie,you match the kitchen,said Stan.You will have to move in. Where would I sleep? she enquired roguishly In the dog’s basket.It’s quite big… it was made for a St Bernard You don’t have any dog,Annie cried through her luscious wasp stung pink glowing lips. There’s no law that stops cat owners buying dog baskets.Stan said humorously. But it seems silly to me,Annie murmured.A waste of money. Well,we did think that if someone wanted to stay over they could sleep in it. What a strange idea when you have a five bedroomed house with 3 en suites and a sprinkler in the garden. Well,we had the dog basket when we lived in a small flat and have never updated our mental set ups.Stan lectured manfully. How do we update our mental set ups,asked Mary with a twinkle in her large blue and singularly beautiful eyes. Well,Mary,look at you.I asked you to buy a laptiop ten years ago but you were convinced that you would never be able to learn how to use it.Clearly with your mathematical training and you love of philosophy and your three higher degrees in real and complex analysis you were judging yourself wrongly….. but why you think you can’t do certain things I am not able to say.You might date it back to always being asked to do too much as a child. Yes,said Mary.When we got an electric cooker,Mother could not work the timer but she knew I could do it.But it was only by trial and error,not to mention trial and terror. Annie said Thank God I was backward as a child so I played with dolls till I was fifteen and then I played with a boy in the shrubbery and he played with me Very nice I am sure,Mary said icily.And you still play with yourself nowI expect. How dare you said,Annie.I play by myself but not with myself. This is all very odd,thought Emile. Can a cat play with itself? Yes,I have played with my shadow on the big brick wall… all alone.Does Annie play with her shadow? That must be good fun. Suddenly the door bell rang very loudly making Stan turn green as he fell off his chair onto the red cork flooring.In ran Dave,the transexual paramedic.. Here I am and I have brought Emile 12 mice pies,he cried merrily Are they sweet or savoury ,asked Stan curiously. I dunno said Dave.I got’em in Waitclose.You could phone them. All I want to know is, were the mice raised in a suitable environment with fresh air and plenty of natural food.Are the pies full of taste enhancers and dangerous chemicals? Oh,my said Dave turning red,I only got them for Emile not for the Queen Mother. Well,Stan said, we must be consistent in life and what is wrong for one species must be wrong for all. But can you prove that,asked Mary.Suppose some mice have been eating food in a house where they only eat ready made meals and buy cakes in a supermarket.Folk in such a house would not mind their cats and the mice eating food full of all manner of preservatives,flavouring of a artificial type and going without five fruits a day.I can’t imagine a mouse eating five fruits a day.He’d prefer five spoons of bread and cheese grated. I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently. I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    Why Annie,you match the kitchen,said Stan.You will have to move in. Where would I sleep? she enquired roguishly In the dog’s basket.It’s quite big… it was made for a St Bernard You don’t have any dog,Annie cried through her luscious wasp stung pink glowing lips. There’s no law that stops cat owners buying dog baskets.Stan said humorously. But it seems silly to me,Annie murmured.A waste of money. Well,we did think that if someone wanted to stay over they could sleep in it. What a strange idea when you have a five bedroomed house with 3 en suites and a sprinkler in the garden. Well,we had the dog basket when we lived in a small flat and have never updated our mental set ups.Stan lectured manfully. How do we update our mental set ups,asked Mary with a twinkle in her large blue and singularly beautiful eyes. Well,Mary,look at you.I asked you to buy a laptiop ten years ago but you were convinced that you would never be able to learn how to use it.Clearly with your mathematical training and you love of philosophy and your three higher degrees in real and complex analysis you were judging yourself wrongly….. but why you think you can’t do certain things I am not able to say.You might date it back to always being asked to do too much as a child. Yes,said Mary.When we got an electric cooker,Mother could not work the timer but she knew I could do it.But it was only by trial and error,not to mention trial and terror. Annie said Thank God I was backward as a child so I played with dolls till I was fifteen and then I played with a boy in the shrubbery and he played with me Very nice I am sure,Mary said icily.And you still play with yourself nowI expect. How dare you said,Annie.I play by myself but not with myself. This is all very odd,thought Emile. Can a cat play with itself? Yes,I have played with my shadow on the big brick wall… all alone.Does Annie play with her shadow? That must be good fun. Suddenly the door bell rang very loudly making Stan turn green as he fell off his chair onto the red cork flooring.In ran Dave,the transexual paramedic.. Here I am and I have brought Emile 12 mice pies,he cried merrily Are they sweet or savoury ,asked Stan curiously. I dunno said Dave.I got’em in Waitclose.You could phone them. All I want to know is, were the mice raised in a suitable environment with fresh air and plenty of natural food.Are the pies full of taste enhancers and dangerous chemicals? Oh,my said Dave turning red,I only got them for Emile not for the Queen Mother. Well,Stan said, we must be consistent in life and what is wrong for one species must be wrong for all. But can you prove that,asked Mary.Suppose some mice have been eating food in a house where they only eat ready made meals and buy cakes in a supermarket.Folk in such a house would not mind their cats and the mice eating food full of all manner of preservatives,flavouring of a artificial type and going without five fruits a day.I can’t imagine a mouse eating five fruits a day.He’d prefer five spoons of bread and cheese grated. I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently. I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angels twang’
    had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    But it seems silly to me,Annie murmured.A waste of money. Well,we did think that if someone wanted to stay over they could sleep in it. What a strange idea when you have a five bedroomed house with 3 en suites and a sprinkler in the garden. Well,we had the dog basket when we lived in a small flat and have never updated our mental set ups.Stan lectured manfully. How do we update our mental set ups,asked Mary with a twinkle in her large blue and singularly beautiful eyes. Well,Mary,look at you.I asked you to buy a laptiop ten years ago but you were convinced that you would never be able to learn how to use it.Clearly with your mathematical training and you love of philosophy and your three higher degrees in real and complex analysis you were judging yourself wrongly….. but why you think you can’t do certain things I am not able to say.You might date it back to always being asked to do too much as a child. Yes,said Mary.When we got an electric cooker,Mother could not work the timer but she knew I could do it.But it was only by trial and error,not to mention trial and terror. Annie said Thank God I was backward as a child so I played with dolls till I was fifteen and then I played with a boy in the shrubbery and he played with me Very nice I am sure,Mary said icily.And you still play with yourself nowI expect. How dare you said,Annie.I play by myself but not with myself. This is all very odd,thought Emile. Can a cat play with itself? Yes,I have played with my shadow on the big brick wall… all alone.Does Annie play with her shadow? That must be good fun. Suddenly the door bell rang very loudly making Stan turn green as he fell off his chair onto the red cork flooring.In ran Dave,the transexual paramedic.. Here I am and I have brought Emile 12 mice pies,he cried merrily Are they sweet or savoury ,asked Stan curiously. I dunno said Dave.I got’em in Waitclose.You could phone them. All I want to know is, were the mice raised in a suitable environment with fresh air and plenty of natural food.Are the pies full of taste enhancers and dangerous chemicals? Oh,my said Dave turning red,I only got them for Emile not for the Queen Mother. Well,Stan said, we must be consistent in life and what is wrong for one species must be wrong for all. But can you prove that,asked Mary.Suppose some mice have been eating food in a house where they only eat ready made meals and buy cakes in a supermarket.Folk in such a house would not mind their cats and the mice eating food full of all manner of preservatives,flavouring of a artificial type and going without five fruits a day.I can’t imagine a mouse eating five fruits a day.He’d prefer five spoons of bread and cheese grated. I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently. I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    This is all very odd,thought Emile. Can a cat play with itself? Yes,I have played with my shadow on the big brick wall… all alone.Does Annie play with her shadow? That must be good fun. Suddenly the door bell rang very loudly making Stan turn green as he fell off his chair onto the red cork flooring.In ran Dave,the transexual paramedic.. Here I am and I have brought Emile 12 mice pies,he cried merrily Are they sweet or savoury ,asked Stan curiously. I dunno said Dave.I got’em in Waitclose.You could phone them. All I want to know is, were the mice raised in a suitable environment with fresh air and plenty of natural food.Are the pies full of taste enhancers and dangerous chemicals? Oh,my said Dave turning red,I only got them for Emile not for the Queen Mother. Well,Stan said, we must be consistent in life and what is wrong for one species must be wrong for all. But can you prove that,asked Mary.Suppose some mice have been eating food in a house where they only eat ready made meals and buy cakes in a supermarket.Folk in such a house would not mind their cats and the mice eating food full of all manner of preservatives,flavouring of a artificial type and going without five fruits a day.I can’t imagine a mouse eating five fruits a day.He’d prefer five spoons of bread and cheese grated. I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently. I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’
    Suddenly the door bell rang very loudly making Stan turn green as he fell off his chair onto the red cork flooring.In ran Dave,the transexual paramedic.. Here I am and I have brought Emile 12 mice pies,he cried merrily Are they sweet or savoury ,asked Stan curiously. I dunno said Dave.I got’em in Waitclose.You could phone them. All I want to know is, were the mice raised in a suitable environment with fresh air and plenty of natural food.Are the pies full of taste enhancers and dangerous chemicals? Oh,my said Dave turning red,I only got them for Emile not for the Queen Mother. Well,Stan said, we must be consistent in life and what is wrong for one species must be wrong for all. But can you prove that,asked Mary.Suppose some mice have been eating food in a house where they only eat ready made meals and buy cakes in a supermarket.Folk in such a house would not mind their cats and the mice eating food full of all manner of preservatives,flavouring of a artificial type and going without five fruits a day.I can’t imagine a mouse eating five fruits a day.He’d prefer five spoons of bread and cheese grated. I suppose it would depend on the size of the fruit,Stan answered eloquently. I do like coming here,said Dave.You discuss such intriguing things. Well,said Annie,I’d prefer to discuss what sort of shampoo is good for old hair. The hair is not old,said Dave.It grows all the time and you cut the ends off so it’s new… You know what I mean,older people’s hair can go thinner and more frizzy… even cat’s coats are not so thick when they grow old.Sometimes they have to be given tailor made winter coats and small hats. Why,are they Jewish ? teased Mary.. What do you mean ? Jewish mensometimes wear little caps or even big hats in winter to mark their respect for God, the great mystery.. I am afraid you have made an error in your logic: All Jewish men wear hats Emile wears a hat Hence Emile is Jewish, That is not a valid argument. Neither is : All boys play games. I play games Hence I am a boy. Do Jewish boys play with hats,asked Emile. No,they play with cats,Stan told him.Just like most other boys do.Why I used to spend hours trailing string across the floor to get our little kitty excited…. then one day she got really over excited and later gave birth to four kittens, You don’t think it was playing with string that caused that, Mary whispered behind her hand to Stan.They must have had a father. Yes,causation and correlation are often confused.Buying a car does not cause one to fornicate in the back seat.It just gives an extra choice to hand when the bushes and haystacks are wet Can’t we listen to some carols,said Annie nervously. We can sing one said Stan.Here is my newest. Oh,little town of Bethlehem divided by a wall….. Hark the herald angel’s twang.

Bionic therapy with Annie and Emile

 

 

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Peter Fried,the Bionic psychoanalyst  ,who had recently arrived in the fine  midland town of Knittingham, had noticed that whilst he was practising “free floating attention” with his patients an image of a cat peering in the window behind the couch was troubling him.He hoped it was not some hallucination transferred from the Unconscious of one of his patients into his consciousness.

Still,having a black cat looking in the window was by no means the most unpleasant optical illusion he had ever suffered.In a way,it was quite sweet.
He was back in his “home” flat boiling some eggs for his supper when the doorbell rang.He opened it cautiously with a sort of excitement. mixed in.There stood a strikingly attractive woman wearing a purple coat and a red hat with matching red ballet flats and a bright green designer handbag from TKMaxx.[£29.99 and well worth it]
Hello,I thought I’d introduce myself,I live across the street next door to Stan and Mary..my name is Anne..How are you settling in?
She walked confidently through his flat and into the new  dark teak kitchen with its gleaming work surfaces and marble pastry rolling strip…. though Peter never made pastry himself.
Eggs!Are you a curry lover?By pure chance and serendipity I have a tin of vindaloo sauce here.I could pour it over these eggs.

Should we not remove the shells first?Peter asked with a just hint of humour.
Definitely,leave it to me.I’ve brought some naan bread and some brown rice too
How did you know I was boiling six eggs?Why Emile told me,of course!

Emile….is he black?
Some people call him black,others say he’s mixed race.
Let’s not argue about semantics or political correctness,he replied discourteously.
I don’t even know what semantics, are she screeched softly into his left ear.
Well,that is no barrier to arguing about them,he replied diplomatically.
Well,it’s senseless, she answered kindly.”I am not a person who enjoys an argument.Go and sit down,read the paper and I’ll finish preparing the curry dinner.

Is it common around here to have an unknown woman come in to cook your dinner?Peter asked Anne.
No,it’s the height of sophistication,she said judiciously.It’s just with you being new I wanted to meet you to see if you need any assistance in your work.I don’t need money,I like to serve the community in some way.Of course I am Stan’s mistress but as he’s in a bad temper today I’ve not seen him.I suspect he is growing tired of me.

Are you married,Peter asked her.
No,but I was once.My husband ran off with his brother’s wife,so we decided to pretend they were both dead.
That’s intriguing,said Peter,I am married but my wife developed an allergy to my skin.She could not bear to touch it so it became awkward… very awkward.
Fancy, and you a therapist too,she murmured softly,So where is she now?
Oh, she lives on the Isle of Man,near Peel.I do go to see her now and then… and there are lovely sunsets over there… you can see the Mountains of Mourne.
Are you lonely, she asked him very emotionally.

No,I see seven patients a day..
But that’s not the same as having a wife or a friend.
Since my wife’s allergy,I am afraid to touch another woman.
How sad,cried Anne…I have very thick skin.Would you like to touch me? she said seductively

Perhaps another time,Peter said in a kindly way,But thanks for being so generous.I am touched by your amiability and femininity and your kindness in introducing yourself.
Let’s eat the curry before we die of hunger.
They sat down at the kitchen table to eat the egg curry when they saw some amber eyes gleaming at the window.

Oh, dear,There’s Emile again.
Will he tell Stan?
Probably,but actually Stan no longer wants me.Yet Emile adores me.He will be jealous… he’s a cat,but he has the feeling of a man.
And indeed Emile’s eyes were gleaming like those of a tiger… he began to speak through the window glass.
Would you mind if I had some curry? Stan never makes it… I love spices
Why not? said Peter.
Emil’s plan was to get near Anne but first he had to eat the vindaloo egg curry.He took a mouthful..my,it was hot.His eyes began to water and his nose ran…. all round the room.He mioawed piteously
I need a hanky.
We shall have to ring 999,muttered Anne.
What! Do they tend to cats?
They usually have some hankies for cats….
So without any further ado,she took out her Samsung mobile phone and rang.
I don’t know how I shall get on living here,thought Peter.
He ran across the room and jumped into the washing machine with the tea towels and kitchen cloths.
Will he escape?
Buy the next chapter…only three shilling and sixpence or free with the Daily Wail tomorrow…order now for next life delivery!

 

Stan meets the new curate

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Stan was reading the paper at 9 pm when,to his surprise,the front door bell rang.Emile,his delightful tomcat who was asleep,nearly jumped out of his warm furry skin.Stan opened the front door cautiously.
“Goodnight,sir.” remarked the handsome man standing there.
“Goodnight?”Said Stan confusedly,”Bur I’ve never seen you before.Are you the sandman who comes to put children to sleep?”
“Good evening,sir.” the man continued,”I’m so sorry my English is so poor.I am , still studying David McChrystal’s Cambridge Encyclopedia of the English Language and I’m still a trifle mystified.”
“What do you want?”Stan asked him.”What do I want?I want to study philosophy,write a novel and meet a stunningly attractive young lady with brown eyes and dark hair.”
“No,no.” said Stan”I mean,why are you here?”
“A good question,why are we here?Do we have a mission in life or are we here as a result of mere chance and happenstance or even serendipity?”
“I mean,why are you here ringing my doorbell at this time of the night?”
“Shouldn’t that be evening,sir?” The stranger enquired sardonically yet politely.
“Look.are you after something?”
“Well,I’m after a young lady at college though so far I’ve not managed to meet her one to one.”
“Well,faint heart never won fair lady!”Stan advised him.
“What’s happening,”called Mary from her study where she was reading a critique of Principia Mathematica for the seventh time.
“God only knows!” said Stan.
Mary came to the front door.She wore a green silk blouse with a jade necklace, a pair of smart jeans from Per Una and some pink trainers with yellow laces.On her face she wore Lancome of Paris light beige foundation,strawberry pink lipstick and purple mascara from Clinique.Her perfume was by Beyonce.Buy all this with one click on the link below.
“Goodnight,madam” said the stranger.
“I think that’s so rude,” said Mary.”If you’ve never met someone before it’s inappropriate to say goodnight.”
“Well,you aren’t in bed,” he replied laboriously.
“What the hell has that got to do with it?”
“Inappropriate is often used to refer to sexual behaviour.”
“Well,for crying out loud,who are you?” she whispered politely.
“I’m the new curate!”
“I’m Polish.”
“Well,I’m sorry I don’t know a single word of it.would you like to speak in Latin?”
“Ite,missa est!”The curate exclaimed.”Uno reductio ad absurdum”Stan muttered.
“That’s Italian,UNO” cried Mary.
“Well,it’s pretty similar.”
“Well,I must go,”said the curate amxiously.
“You’ve not been yet so how can you go?”
“I don’t know,sir.Good evening,good afternoon,good morning.”the red face man screamed as he ran hurriedly down the garden path.
“Are we Catholics now?”Mary asked Stan.
“Oh,I can’t remember,” he said.”Do we go to church?”
“Well,we may be non-practising,I suppose.”
“Perhaps we’d better start practising,” he murmured affectionately.
“Oh,if you insist,” she replied in an unwifely roguish tone.
“That’s right,blame it all on the man.In my experience it’s you who is keener than me.”
“What are you talking about?”she enquired seductively.
Suddenly the door bell rang.It was the curate.”Goodnight” he called.”goodnight”
“Goodnight,” they responded in their reserved English fashion.
“Mioaw” cried Emile,”Mioaw,miaow,miaow.

After he left me

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After he left me.I walked slowly and blindly.
Unknowingly, I  had entered a grey desert of rocks and stones
Not a person nor a house
Not a flower or a tree…..
Seemed like no-one else in this whole world was alive.
Inside my womb I carried our child.
Solemn with that weight and crushed by grief
I kept on my way.
Though my time had not yet come,
I realized the child was about to be born
I was aided by a faceless
doctor.who informed me
that my child was dead.
Casually he tossed it onto a heap of bodies
I am not Jewish ,but it reminded me of a Death Camp.
Deserted,I gave birth in a Death Camp.To a dead baby.
The doctor vanished and I lay inert like one of the grey rocks that were heaped about.
My heart felt like a stone
I had no food or drink but no desire arose.I lay unmoving
After a week I rose to my feet knowing I must leave or die.
Going over to look at my dead child at last,
I saw with astonishment,
he was alive.Alive!
I picked him up
And held him tenderly.
He’s alive,but what am I do to?
Still there’s noone around in this eery landscape…
But at least my child is alive.
Like the Israelites out of Egypt,I shall have faith in God
And I will keep walking until I die if need be.
My child is alive,is loved.
A miracle has  occurred.

I walk on

Nerves that wave

Good morning,Ms Brown
Gosh,you are so utterly politically correct ,doctor
In my view,it matters only for us to be medically correct,dear.And grammatically,of course.
How true, noble sire.
Now, what’s the problem today,madame?
It’s my nerves,doctor.I hate them so much I feel almost  derisory..which is totally crackers nowadays with so many street drugs to take one’s mind out of this world.
What’s wrong with your nerves to make you feel like this all of a sudden?
I think they are too big,mein herr.Can I have plastic surgery on them to replace then with plastic ones .I mean artificial like dentures are for teeth that drop out?
My dentist tells me my nerves are double the average size. for humans
But what is the standard deviation? Averages are no use alone.I wish people learned this in school
How dare you say that! I have never deviated in any way.And I’ve never been average… and surely double the average size must mean something gross is going on?
What a pity this is.You are a very charming and glamorous lady…I say that only to comfort you,not to seduce you which is illegal anyway,even if I wanted to do.Which I deny absolutely;
Well,my nerves feel like long wild grasses waving in a cold westerly breeze in a great big meadow in Hartland,North Devon where many lips have cracked.And sailors drowned off shore too…why some even drowned on the shore and their ghosts still wander below the sheer and terrifying cliffs of alabaster and silver.
Have you ever though of writing narrative or lyrical poetry or even romantic novels?
What,write poetry with nerves like this?Do you think I’m a masochist or what?
Well, you could try using a pen or a keyboard,you know. Now,God has given some of us larger nerves than others.It’s an evolutionary advantage to have some sensitive people about,like the canaries in the coal mines.They feel trouble coming before the rest of humankind
That’s hardly any use to me as I am childless and can’t pass it on.
God didn’t know that when he created you.Or if he did,he knew with nerves like this motherhood would be perilous and at least you can be a human canary
Well,is there any surgery to help me or any other amelioration to my symptoms?
Apart from removing your head there’s not much I can suggest at this moment in time,right now, if you want a verdict.Perhaps you can plant some wild flowers amid these long waving grasses and enjoy the beauty that you will perceive in summertime if you can be patient
You’re an odd doctor compared to the usual one.
Actually I’m really the computer repair man.The system has crashed and so has the doctor…temporarily
I knew you looked different but I put it down to my giant nerves disturbing my vision…
So will you come back to see the doctor later?He is just in the pub drinking blackcurrant liqueur for his nerves!
What’s it got to do with you if I come back again or not?
I love your mind,I love your body .I love your tentacles,receptacles and all your past and future particles.I love every bit of you especially your nerves.I always liked a woman with very big nerves.
Really? Well,that’s cheered me up a great deal.I like the beast in man.How about my wild grasses?
I love those too.Why,I’d like to lie down amongst them if you catch my drift.
Can you read between the lines or write between them?
Have you ever thought of taking up psychotherapy?
I prefer to help computers.Hearing sad stories from disturbed folk all day must be draining as you can’t run out when you get overwhelmed like you can at parties
Yes,but it would be horribly fascinating to hear all these stories.And now I am off to the garden centre to buy some flower seeds.
I’d give you some seeds myself but it would be wrong to sow your field here in this office and the doctor might come in any time now which would be a trifle unseemly.
Well,he could sow his wild oats as well!
What a wicked woman you are;I love your mind.You seem quite out of the orddinary… please keep your big nerves.
I am only offering this with the aim of calming those huge nerves .I am not thinking of enjoying lust or of how romantic you seem and how artistically  brilliantlu you are dressed and your golden curls and blue clothes.And your cleverness.
I quite understand.I shall keep it all under my hat. if you see what I mean
It’s an amazing red hat.Are you a Cardinal?
No,I stole it off one
I’d love to hear the whole story….who,when and where?
Well,I hope to publish it on Swindle soon.
We can’t wait.

Neither can I

It’s my nerves,doctor

Good morning,Ms Brown
Gosh,you are politically correct doctor
In my view,it only matters for us to be medically correct,dear.
How true,sire.
Now, what’s the problem today.madam?
It’s my nerves,doctor.I hate them
What’s wrong with them to make you feel like this?
I think they are too big.Can I have plastic surgery on them to replace then with plastic ones .I mean artifical like dentures?The dentist tells me my nerves are double the average size.
But what is the standard deviation?Averages are no use alone.I wish people learned this in school
How dare you say that!I have never deviated in any way.And I’ve never been average
What a pity.You are a very charming and glamorous lady…I say that only to comfort you.
Well,my nerves feel like long wild grasses waving in a cold westerly breeze in a meadow in Hartland,North Devon where many lips have cracked.And sailors drowned too
Have you ever though of writing narrative or lyrical poetry?
What,write poetry with nerves like this?
Well, you could try using   a pen,you know; Now,God has given some of us larger nerves than others.
It’s an evolutionary advantage to have some sensitive people about.Like the canaries in the coal mines.They feel trouble coming before the rest of humankind
That’s hardly true for me as I am childless.
God didn’t know that when he created you.Or if he did,he knew with nerves like this motherhood would be perilous
Well,is there any surgery to help me or any other amelioration?
Apart from removing your head/brain there’s not much I can suggest.Perhaps you can plant some wildflowers amid these long waving grasses and enjoy the beauty that you perceive.
You’re a funny doctor compared to the usual one
Actually I’m the computer reprair man.The system has crashed.
I knew you looked different but I put it down to my nerves disturbing my vision
So will you come back to see the doctor later?
What’s it got to do with you?
I love your mind,I love your ass! I love your tentacles and all your past particles.
I love every bit of you especially your nerves.I always liked a woman with big nerves.
Really?Well,that’s cheered me up a great deal.I like the beast in man.How about my wild grasses?
I love those too.Why,I’d like to lie down amongst them if you catch my drift.
Can you read between the lines or write between them?Have you ever thought of taking up psychotherapy?
I prefer to help computers.Hearing sad stories from disturbed folk all day must be draining
Yes,but it would be horribly fascinating.And now I am off to the garden centre to buy some flower seeds.
I’d give you some seeds myself but it would be wrong to sow your field here in this office and the doctor might come in any time now
Well,he could sow his wild oats as well!
What a wicked woman you are.You like a threesome?
I am only offering this with the aim of calming these huge nerves of mine.I am not thinking of lust
I quite understand.I shall keep it all under my hat if you see what I mean
It’s an amazing red hat.Are you a Cardinal?
No,I stole it off one
You seem very naughty!
I am very naughty!
Ou est la plume de ma tante?
J’enchant

mon petit point

 

The Stan saga.. a letter from Mary,author of “Wittgenstein’s cats”

Source: Kathryn

A letter

The Pilchards.

23,Sweetnames Avenue

Knittingham

Near Nottingham.

England

Dear Jane

Hope you are keeping well in this unusually cold spring weather.

Stan has had flu.It made him so bad tempered and waspish

that I took up the Duraglit polish and got him to polish all the brass,

except the front door knob, as that doesn’t come off.

Mind you,it made the bedroom smell odd… a mistake,perhaps.. so I sprinkled lavender oil around.

He seems to get thinner and I seem to get fatter.

So our average w eight remains constant.

What a relief.I’d like to be weighed as a married woman.Can you believe this..

I’ve got chilblains! It’s those dratted blood vessels of mine.

Still,I polished some old plum colored leather boots  and wear them in the house.

We seem to be doing polishing frequently here.. boots,furniture,apples.

How is your new book “Nonsense:A.N.Whitehead and Lewis Carroll” coming on?

Hope it’s progressing….to a nonsensical but true ending

I’ve got a new book of poetry coming out in April [from Polar bears publishers]

It’s called,”An unpolished performance.”

My fourth book on Wittgenstein‘s cats is almost finished.

And the publishers can’t wait for the photographs…I’ll get a friend to do those for me!!

It gives me a change from all that polishing.

I’ve begun to talk to myself out loud…. in the street.Just seeing if I can still do my old Lancashire accent.

I suppose it might  worry people but no one has said anything as yet.They may be afraid.

“That which is unsaid can,nevertheless,still be heard.

Stan is still involved romantically with Anne, our next door neighbor.

I can’t blame him as chilblains and Wittgenstein not very romantic.

When I think of how we used to be,it makes me smile and feel sadness too.

I wonder if I can find someone new for a romance,myself… someone with Asperger’s syndrome

possibly…as I’ve just been diagnosed.It’s quite common in mathematicians.It may be an advantage in concentrating a lot

I need a boyfriend with weak eyes as my clothes are all full of moth holes and I’m damned if I’m going to buy new ones.

I can’t see well enough to darn but I’ve sewn the holes up neatly thus giving a strange pleated effect to my clothes.

On my merino wool knitted trousers, one hole was right on the ass.It looks now as if I’ve been shot in the rear…

but I can’t see it.So it does not exist.Sometimes in the past I would iron on those motifs like

butterflies…but I think it would look odd having a butterfly just there…. or indeedanything else like wild ros

I could make a little sign saying”Keep clear,from my rear.This is a hole where a moth scored a goal.”

Still,not many people are going to look there now I hope…. I seem to have stopped knitting but am still drawing.

Meantime I’ve just ironed some of my winter clothes as it’s dank and  chilly and am planning to iron all my pink and blue knickers now as I believe it kills any germs left when you wash at 30 deg.I got those colours in case I should

change sex or is it gender?I wonder if I should iron the sheets?Could I do it while they are on the bed?

I don’t wash them much as it wears them out and me too. I am going to take up baking again because Stan is getting so thin.

I fancy a Russian cheesecake as it had a lot of protein in it.

I have a genuine Russian cookbook and also am waiting for a delivery of a

Jewish cookery book as I have lost mine..no it fell down onto my head last week

God only knows where that came from.

but I believe there were good cheesecakes as Jewish cooking has much in

common with Russian,perhaps because once many Jews lived in Russia.I just

made friends with one here….he is charming and like me he hates golf.

I have got almost all the Penguin cookery books ever printed but mislaid a

few.In fact it’s quite hard to get into the kitchen

with all these books on the shelves.And a little food.I was comforted to read that the parent’s of John Burra,the artist,

had books piled every where in their large house….and he was very untidy too.

So all I need is talent and practice and I’ll be an artist.

After all,anyone can be untidy but not everyone will practice their Art.

I’d like to practice the arts of love.They say you should love your neighbor as yourself,

but personally I prefer the neighbor or even the milkman to myself.

Meanwhile I’m happy with Emile our cat and my 500 photos of Wittgenstein. I shall make Stan a lemon sponge pudding.

That is the love he wants…Food.”If music be the food of love

I’ll cohabit with a pure white dove.

And while he coos and sings for me.
I’ll try not to :fall out of the tree,
Get stung by a bee,
Have psychotherapy
Make more enemies,
Let my thought free,
Hurt my knee.
Let moths frighten me.

 

Well,time for some tea.

Now Jane, please write to me soon.

I love to see your so strangely beautiful handwriting alluring me to open the letter and to hear about Whitehead and Cambridge and all the weird dons. I hope it’s not too damp and cold there near that river.

Keep warm and make a note of any intriguing happenings to relate to me. And anything beautiful you can see or hear.I hope Edward is writing regularly..where is he doing his research now… did you say Stanford?Maybe you should install Skype..then again,perhaps not as you would have to wash your hair too much… and comb it too…perhaps we could wear wigs.

Do write soon,dear one,Love always,Mary.

 

Satan arrives at the seaside and is sold on

rabbitduckmain Happy

After Stan left the  police behind, he  drove Satan to Sheringham,There  they rented a cottage and enjoyed walking to Weybourn along the cliffs.Satan seemed surprised by the cheery residents.He usually dwelt in cities and dens of iniquity.Stan’s pocket bulged with the golden powder compact standing up.He liked Sheringham but usually had Mary with him for company rather than Satan.
One afternoon on the beach a man of riper years  stopped and spoke to him
I see you always carry face powder in a compact  with you.Are you a transvestite by ny chance?
I am sorry to say,I am not.Is that bad news?Stan  asked him
Well,not really.I never expected to meet one  down here.But my wife has lost her powder compact and it’s hard to get gold ones now.I’ll give you at least £500 for that.It’s lovely.
Stan pondered.He had got fond of Satan but was unsure what to do with him next and he could not remain on holiday for ever as Emile his cat didn”t like it
He thought perhaps leaving him here in Sheringham might benefit humanity in the long run.
OK then.he cried and in a flash he had handed over the gold compact to the gentleman who seemed thrilled.He produced £500 pounds in notes and the deal was done.
Stan went back and informed Emile the holiday was over.We can go home now,Emile.I have got rid of Satan,at least for now.

Thank God,miaowed Emile.I miss Annie and her perfume..
That makes two of us,thought Stan as he drove towards King’s Lynne and the Ouse crossing…
But how will poor Satan feel? Will he be converted to life in a seaside home a or will he soon be heading back to Knittingham?Time will tell.Sheringham may be too small for him and probably has very few dens of iniquity.And even Cromer is probably not wicked enough for this old devil….

Stan meets Satan in the mirror

ECG

Stan was standing on the patio behind his bijou home when a sudden heavy  downpour of water drenched him all over.
This is like a monsoon,he murmured to Emile who was also wet and drowned looking
A head  and neck appeared over the dark wooden fence.
I’m awfully sorry,old boy.A pipe has burst in Annie’s loft.I tried to fix it myself.
I don’t believe it.You are Stan Brown.It must be 50 years since I saw you.
Stan was hiding his surprise at seeing Rudolf Hairnet,his former logic tutor at an ancient foundation, in the garden of Annie,Stan’s beloved colourful mistress.
Why not pop in Rudolf,he said.I’ll leave the door open and go upstairs to change my clothes.Be with you in a moment.
Stan went upstairs and removed his clothes.His body was now as thin as when he reached his full height of 6 ft 6 inches but alas it had less muscle and more fat. nowadays.He gazed into his wife’s full length mirror.
To his surprise, he saw Satan looking out.Although he knew this was possible for Catholics he had never met Satan before.Not that he was keen to,exciting as it might be.
How do you get behind the mirror,he asked  Satan gently.
God only knows,said Satan morosely.
Why not ask him?
I’m too proud,the poor devil replied in a bleak voice.
Well,we all have our pride,Stan told him,though no doubt yours is the biggest in the universe.
Yes,indeed,Satan answered.It’s bigger than Everest
Are you here for any purpose,Stan enquired.
Yes,your home seems more intriguing than most and I like to watch you in bed with that flame haired woman… is she your paramour?
I see,said Stan,You are a voyeur par excellence
That’s one way of describing me,Satan said,No woman will come to bed with me so I am trapped here behind every mirror in the world.I can see it all but never take part.
You must be very lonely,said Stan
Yes,the dark spirit muttered painfully
Are there no she-devils about who might oblige you?Stan asked him thoughtfully.
I don’t seem to fancy them so much.They are all as bad a me,I want kindness and tenderness not just lust.After all,one might satisfy that with a vibrator… we have them in hell you know!We have many things but love and humility are not there.
Why,you are beginning to sound almost human,Stan told him.We want love too.If only you would apologise to God I am sure he would forgive you and let you come into the real world of others instead of being trapped in there
Stan heard a noise.He turned round displaying his bony frame and his  drooping organs to Rudolf.
Are you ok? I was worried that the drenching had knocked you off balance.I have out your kettle on the  fire to make you a hot drink and phoned 999 for aid.
But we don’t have a fire,Stan responded.
Well,you do now said Rudolf,so let’s enjoy the flames while we can.To whom were you talking in there? he enquired grammatically.
I was on my mobile,said Stan defensively.
But where is it?You had nothing on ? On second thoughts,please don’t tell me .I’ve heard some strange stories but arsing about with a y phone is not one I wish to dwell on.
That’s logicians for you.No interest in the wilder shores of life.Stan told himself as he went downstairs and joined Rudolf for a good cup of tea.
And that is what I need to recover from writing down this very odd tale…
And so does Dave the poor  innocent young paramedic from heaven who is just arriving as we leave these two dear old men sitting by the mysterious burning shrub….

Stan is spying on his wife again

Photo1043

  •  

    Mary was just running out of the front door when she realised she had not combed her hair.She looked around and found a small brush labelled,”For nubuck and suede shoes”.Peering into the old mirror she ran it though her gold and silver hair,powdered her nose with her Estee Lauder natural beige foundation in powder form and slapped some coral lipstick on with haste.. and accuracy.
    Right,that’s it,she thought.Enough to show willing.
    She met her old friend Maureen at the bus stop.
    Have you been seeing Joel again? Maureen asked naughtily.
    No,I’ll be damned if I see him again,Mary said shyly.He told me he was living alone in a large house up the hill,then I met him with his wife.Who was he trying to fool?
    Maybe he hoped you would not notice?
    Not notice what?
    Luckily the bus came down the road and stopped beside them.They jumped on and ran to the back. for a gab.
    Are you going shopping?Maureen asked.
    No,I am going to take some photos of the jazz band playing on the pavement by the bank… but I told Stan I was going to the pharmacy to buy some Vaseline….
    Why,does he not like you taking photos?
    Not when an old boyfriend of mine is in the band.
    Exactly how old is the boyfriend?
    About 69 I guess.
    Well he’s not that old!
    He is an ex I should have said.I knew him in primary school and used to ride his tricycle.He was my first love.We were only 5 years old.I think it was his red curls and the tricycle that attracted me… but we split up when we were 6.
    Surely Stan would not be jealous;it is 63 years ago,
    And to me it was like last year!Well. you know time does not exist in the Unconscious.
    How wonderful.
    Yes and no.Good memories can be there but also pain can seem as if it just happened even when it is from 50 years ago.
    Have you had a lot of men admiring you,dear?
    How would I know?There could be thousands if they were too shy to speak.
    You know what I mean!
    Not so many.. I had my second when we were 10.He had golden hair and long eye lashes and lots of games in boxes.He was very sweet but we were to young to be engaged so I decided to give men up and study mathematics instead as that has its own icy beauty…
    Wel,,nice meeting you.Have you dyed your hair;it’s got brown streaks.
    Oh,dear,Mary thought.Is it shoe polish? But who polishes suede shoes nowadays?
    Stan was following Mary on his Face Bike.He was watching her from behind the bike racks in front of the HSBC Bank…
    Mary had had many bikes in her life.. what would a fortune teller make of that,he asked himself.
    Still,she had no idea Stan was nearby as she wandered nonchalantly along the grey pavement in her Rosella dress and Gabor suede Mary Janes..
    Now then, where shall I go to take the photos,she thought…maybe I’ll sit outside this Coffee Shop and pretend to feel faint if anyone asks me to buy coffee…
    she opened her bag and took out her Kindle Paperwhite… she was reading,
    Creative Imagery and Healing… and also Cars and Peace by Leo Wholeshaw.. a futuristic novel set in North London.In the first chapter a grandmother has been beheaded in North London.
    That’s a bit far fetched,Mary had thought when she read it but in fact Wholeshaw had been right on the ball when he wrote his e book and self published it on Cramuzon for £3.89…I wonder if I’d like to write a novel Mary mused… just then she saw Stan on the other side of the road talking to a blonde bombshell dressed all in pink.
    I see,she thought.He didn’t know I’d be here as the pharmacy is half a mile away.
    who is watching whom?Well.the morals be lacking but my grammar is correct

 
 

A worm in therapy and other Freudian notions

The psychoanalysis of a worm

Home of worms
Wisteria aided by worms

Wisteria aided by worms

Blossom in September

I was planning to make a carrot cake till my mother told me:

  • Carrots don’t eat cake.What are carrots anyway? Why are they so picky?I have to eat all my food or I get punished by hunger pains.Are there worms inside me eating my food or biting me?Do worms have teeth?What is it they like about soil.

    Charles Darwin wrote a book about worms…

    So far I have not read it.

    Worms are the opposite of us.

    They never get angry or depressed as far as we can tell..

    How fortunate as to psychoanalyze a worm would be hard.

    Indeed could you tell a worm to lie on the sofa

    Or would you have to climb inside a plant pot next to the worm?

    As Wittgenstein might have said,

    If worms could speak we would not understand what they said.

    I don’t know,I think I can guess though…

    I have some experience …symbolically that is.

    Or is it metaphorically?

    Imagine a worm on your couch.

    Hmm,how are things going?

    Yurp,blurp!

    Well,that’s good.

    Werp,serp!

    Quite right,I am interfering with your transfernce.

    Hurpppppppp.

    Would you like a little soil?

    Mummmm

    Oh,dear…I should not have offered you anything.

    Daddddddd.

    Surely you don’t remember him?

    Herrrrrrrr.

    So your dad was a lady?

    Oh ,ahhh!

    Well,it takes all sorts.

    Glumb,glomb.

    I’m afraid your time is up.

    Tinnnnnggggggggg

    You want a minicab?

    Taaaaaaaaaaaaa.

    That’s £500

    Do you take plastic?

    No,only notes.

    Doh,ray,me

    I never knew worms could sing…

    Well,you do now.

 

Emile goes to the Garden Center with Stan

2apples1Stan and his bright ,beautiful and wise  yet psychotic wife Mary went to the Garden Center to use a gift token Stan had been given on his birthday by his cousin Marian. from Lee on Sea which is near Manchester They wanted to buy a big pot of mixed flowering plants to put on the porch of their 4 bed ,  tin bath cottage.Stan used to fill such a tub or indeed several himself but what with teaching Emile  his cat to swim,balancing the account book and cooking a dinner every day he was too busy.Not to mention cleaning the windows in the conservatory with his microfibre cloth which he did weekly.And all the baking too..he was missing out on going to the University of the Third Age to teach logic to retired artists.1236071_370604443072690_670872119_n

[My art..  from a  photo  of a bleeding bite on my leg..]

 

Emile their talking cat always went with them for a drive but he stayed in the car in case a dog might see him and bite him.
Stan said to  him,
Emile,would you like to sit on my shoulders,then you could come and have some coffee in a saucer?
No, thank you.said Emile,I don’t want a dog to jump up on you!I will lie down under  the seat and have a nap.You can bring me some icecream back..I love ice cream as it melts.
Stan and Mary went into a huge  glass greenhouse which  had a cafe at one end.How stunning  the orchids looked.. such delicate colors and what delicious and sweet perfumes they could smell.They sat down by the orchids and had a large cappuccino each and a very small scone with strawberry jam.
My goodness,what big mugs,Mary mused.Why don’t they standardize them? But to whose standards?
This must be half a pint!In some coffee shops this would be “Huge”
Well,just drink part of it,Pet,if it’s too much for you,” Stan replied abstractedly his mind on the nubile waitress.
What are you thinking?,.she enquired gently.This is the question most men dislike…maybe because they are not thinking and if they are,it may be they are thinking of something a wife or partner would not want to know!
I’m wondering what color  of plants to get.Stan acknowledged quietly yet intellectually.
I always like blue flowers like delphiniums she informed him.After 69 years of marriage he still did not remember…but it made life more fun… and more surprising as each day was nearly new yet not quite  second hand
The next moment they saw Emile. arriving.He was standing on the back of a large handsome black labrador dog which accompanied two stocky men.
Emile!he called,What’s going on? The two men came over.
Hello,one said,I’m Bert and this is my brother Bart.We found your little cat crossing the road.He said you were in here.Then Max,our dog,said Emile could ride on his back to avoid the mud by the gate
Thank you very much,Max,Mary said in a trembling voice. But how did you get out of the car,Emile?
You forgot to close the window and I could see a lovely tortoiseshell lady cat across the road so I deci.ded to pop over.Emile said triumphantly.I feel in the mood for something which is good for me.. namely sex.
But you don’t know the Highway Code yet,Emile!Nor safe sex
Stan groaned, as it was one more thing to teach Emile.Will he want to learn Ancient Greek, as well he asked himself evasively
Isn’t it cute seeing Emile riding on Max’s back? asked Bart.Do you mind if I take a photo?
Feel free,Stan replied.Allow me ,please,to buy you some coffee.
Thank you,said Bert.Two double esspressos please.And two scones with Cornish cream and blackcurrant jam,thank you
Stan went to order whilst Max and Emile did a tour of the cafe and had their photo taken by several surprised people sipping coffee and tea simultaneously in error but yet in time with life#s music
My goodness,said Mary,I wonder if this photo will be in the local newspaper next week.It’s a  symbol of love and peace.
Though of course not all dogs are as generous as Max. Not all cats are as bold as Emile..
Max wagged his tail and smiled upon hearing this.

If you’d like to help your dog to smile please email me at one of these addresses below.Cats can also be enabled to smile though this requires patience and charm and paying me a lot of cash in advance with no guarantees… i need money and am a cripple so please send it immediately when you find a public convenience or post office or a bank or from any cashpoint

Don’t wait.Email me now.. regret it later
patiencehere@coolmail.com
katepeaceplan@yodelmail.com
muchmorelove@catmail.org
katandcats@mymail.net

God is a cat and Emile curses and swears:modern life

 Cats five

Mary was  on a  step ladder in the bathroom spying on her husband  Stan,through a hole in the wall…which he had drilled for spying on women sunbathing nude in their back gardens.

He was climbing over the fence with Emile their cat on his shoulder.
I think it’s so ridiculous, she muttered .
Surely Emile,  a cat, can jump over the fence by himself.But Emile was very limp,she then saw
He can’t be dead,she whispered  to herself fearfully.She jumped down off the and hit her head on a tap… a dangerous event for a human with weak  retinae or retinas or even deaf ears.
Oh,my!That hurt…I’d better be careful.She  flew down stairs and imet Stan in  to the kitchen
Emile has got concussion, Stan said happily
Is he not dead,she wondered anxiously.
No, he only fell off Annie’s roof.I am sure he’ll come to.
Good Lord.What made him go up there and more important,how

did he manage it manage to climb up?
You’d better ring 999,he informed her graciously yet boldly

If you say so ,my dear.I’d do anything you ask..
Don’t put on that act! he said nastily
I mean it.
A bit late now.
What do you mean?
After 40 years with your mind on Wittgenstein,Dirac,Pascal and Kierkegaard,do you think I don’t know you made a mistake marrying me
But whoever I married,I’d have read those same  writers…
Umphh,said Stan dolefully.
Just then Dave,the bisexual transvestite paramedic ran in.
Poor Emile,what have you done?
He fell off Annie’s roof, but we have no theory as to how he got there,said Stan.
Well, there’s no need to think of that… deal with reality.That’s my modus operandi!
He gave Emile the kiss of life.

Emile came to…but was not pleased
Why did you waken me up?I was having a lovely dream of walking down a silver  path where I saw a big cat with shining fur and tender eyes looking at me.He just began to miaow when some fucking idiot woke me up… was he God?
I can’t say,Emile,dear.But please do not swear.
I’ll do whatever I fucking well feel like,he said.
Good heavens, what has happened.Has he been reading dirty books?
No, he was watching East Enders on TV… they all use the f word constantly.
Well,Emile.God will have to wait… he’ll be glad if you do some kind work here on earth.
Up yours,said Emile.I am sick of living here.I’ve been hoping for years Stan would mate with Annie but he has only managed a deep kiss.
Perhaps it was the kiss of life,said Mary hopefully as it pained her to think Stanno longer desired her.
Well, in a sense,you might have hit the snail on the bed said Stan thoughtfully.I know any further mention of philosophy will drive me mad!
Now,Dave said,shall I make you some tea?
Thank you Stan responded.I am half crazed already.Tea may save my sanity.But for what?
Annie came in
Did you know Emile was in a hot air balloon,she said in tones of wonder.How has he got down so fast?
I fucking well fell out,the cat yawned proudly.Then I had a near death experience until this loon here brought me round.
Emile,I’ve never heard you swear before! she whispered in a strange manner reminiscent of almost silent films starring unnames and forgotten beauties of long ago.
Do you like it,baby? Emile asked.
No I don’t. I’ve never said Fuck in all my life.
Well you have now,the cat informed her with a naughty smile.
I think he’s possessed by demons.We’ll have to have him exorcised.
But I like demons,Emile bawled .I’ve been good all my life and I am bored and depressed.
So you believe swearing will help more than therapy?
Emile got up and lit a cigarette nonchalantly with a certain ,je ne sais pas.
Good grief,he’ll be having sex on the sofa next said Stan.
What a good idea,said Emile, but I want my own room and an en suite..I mean to impress the next girl friend I have.
Dave drank some tea and watched these old folk ponder.
I am wondering where we went wrong,said Mary.All these years we’ve educate you privately and even had you baptised.
Well.I am going to be a Jew,said Emile.
I don’t think a cat can be a Jew… and you never ever had any interest in the spiritual before,why this?
Well,when I was unconscious I realised that God exists….
But why a Jew?
Well,they were the first to see God in a Burning Bush..
And the last too, thought Annie nervously.
Well,said Stan.You want to smoke,swear ,make love and possibly enjoy wine and song.Is that not enough?
Does God smoke and swear?
There was a long silence and Emile answered
Well,you see,Yes he does.
I’m off said Dave.I have to ring the Pope.
Why? asked Emile.I’m not going be a Catholic….
Well,said Dave,he ought to know that God is a cat.

Stan wants Mary to swear…….not for the pure!

 

Trees over lily pond 2
In case you hate the story.. look at the image

You are too prissy,Mary,Stan told his wife.Everybody uses four letter words know except you.
What is so special about four letters,she replied mathematically.
I can’t say ,said Stan.
Is it because they are expletives s have to sound like bullets being fired.For example
“Fuck off, you old shit bag”
Sounds different from
“Kindly go away,old thing.”
That is true,said her 98 year old husband,
So why do you want me to swear?
Well,now you have a tablet computer and a chromebook you need an iphone and you need to talk like the young do as well.
I phones are very expensive and you know me,I’m crap at finding where I leave the fucking things.
Now,Mary,control yourself.I am your husband
What the hell has that got to do with it.
You should be nice.
So whom do you wish me to swear at?
I’m not sure.Maybe when you sing in the kitchen you could alter the words of the songs..
As I waltzed out to fuck at 8 pm
The lambs were coming too all over my thumb
I heard a neighbour complain of all this crap
So I’m going to Waterstone’s for a map

Something wrong with the meter here methinks,said Stan.
And somehow,swearing does not seem to blend with your personality and gentle quiet nature,Mary,darling.
Cut the crap.It’s too late now.I’ve become addicted.
But how many four letter words are there?I might find it limiting.
Some fofurletter words are not swearing
like
tame,kind,wind,fluff,hair,lips,nips,twit
but some are like
fuck,shit,crap,twat.
So twit is ok but twat is not,the demure old lady replied.Anyway don’t you know any more?
Damn!
Perhaps we’ll have to buy a book and learn some new ones but to whom shall we say them
Would your mistress,Meldickadivsa know?
Well,I can ask her.
But is it sensible?
If women want equal rights it’s not the same as being compelled to use words that only workmen used to use.
It’s like saying we can’t have public conveniences for women;they will have to use the gents!
What will they use the gents for, one of them queried.
For sensual gratification and relieving tension.
Is it legal?

Anything is legal as long as you don’t pay!
That reminds me of Russell’s Paradox.
Oh,my God,don’t say you are on to Russell!
It’s more like he is on to me.
Whatever do you mean,Stan said.
He is trying to invade my mind.
Well,make it password protected!!
How do I do that?
Go online and find out.
Perhaps we can password protect your tongue to stop you saying all those words like twat!
But I don’t want to stop.
In that case you must invent some more or they get boring you see.
Flaff off you crum!
Eff doff you runt!
Don’t you leak to he like trat
Why egger nuts?
Clean your organ in the mawnin.
What is so runny about swap?
Goody bell,the vicar is beer!
Lie down and he won’t bee us on the door!
It’s very dirty down here.
Get the vacuum out!
The vacuum is clean,it’s the carpet that’s full of nap!
I blame you,
For what?
Basting my rhymes in wine.
Well,it’s time for wee now.
Go and but the skittle on the stove.
By George,I feel terry funicular!
I’ll put some neatener in your wee.
I’ll come here again!
Stop that askance!
Can’t I rake a glance?
Show you can pot?
Pot what?
The wee pot.
You are very mod!
Blank you so crutch.
Puck off,it’s time for twerk.
Oh,my dear!
It’s being so near.

what makes ’em leer

Crossing St Giles

The Radcliffe Camera in Oxford, England as vie...
The Radcliffe Camera in Oxford, England as viewed from the tower of the Church of St Mary the Virgin. This is a 10 (2×5) segment panorama taken by myself with a Canon 5D and 70-200mm f/2.8L at 70mm. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Oxford
Oxford (Photo credit: Verity Cridland)

 

 

As the I rode my bicycle down the road
I saw a  car heading  right for me.
I felt no fear;it was too late.
The driver was too drunk to see.

 

Just before the dread impact
My soul flew up from earth.
I saw this  life on a giant screen,
And felt filled with mirth.

 

If you think you are about to die,
You feel no panic or fear.
But when your head hits the concrete road
Then all these emotions appear.

 

When that happened I did see stars,
I previously thought that a metaphor.
And soon I was in A and E
The car driver ran out the door.

 

Off to the USA he went
Cutting short his holiday
So when I got out and found my bike
It needed repair and I had to pay.

 

I still ride a bike these days
As it’s such a happy sport.
And luckily I have never had
Another dangerous  accident