Category: nonsense

Test to end the weak

low angle photography of red metal tower
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multicolored mosaic photo
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How any degrees are there in a right mangled triangle?
Is any parallelogram square?
Is a square a rectangle?
How many  angles are there in an ellipse?
How many angels are there altogether?
Can a cube go flat?
Why was there only one snake in Eden?
How many apples did Eve use to make her pudding?
Did you ever get excited by quadratic equations?
Did Q E s want to be solved?
Do you feel equipped to follow my Log?
Why not do it yourself?
Why not have an uncivil partnership?
You saw it here first

What to “wear” in “January”

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Having studied “What to wear in January” in the Guardian,I can only afford the woollen hat
So I shall

1 Wear a  calf  length woollen   coat bought in 2005 in  a Sale over  whatever  clothes
I have kept  moths from eating

or

2 Wear a Gore Tex hooded and quilted parka from TK Maxx in 2007 for £49.99 with a pair of culottes…..pickled in vinegar.

3.Wear 10 wool vests under a coat “with a hint of wool”  and  my pyjamas
” with a hint “of   ” cotton”

4 An old fleece  dressing gown  from the Independent with my husband’s socks and shoes.

5 Grow my hair and wear a throw or ten

We left the  old Road Atlas in a box

London is bewildered by its roads
The Circular, the North,the South,  the Codes
The Morse  and the  Enigma Turing broke
So now we have new bicycles with spokes

Once we had the A to Z  in hand
Turn it upside down and you’ll be grand
New technology has  made  great strides
Carrying us to Eden ,what a ride

The motorways are  empty  for  tonight
God decided  we had too much Light
He  taught the bare cheeked Moon   on Jesus’ mount
To turn the other side when love’s about

I liked to use a compass and a map
But now, my dear,  most everything’s on tap
I crouch  beneath my sister as she drives
In the dark on the M 25

But if it’s closed, we are completely foxed
We left the  old Road Atlas in  a box
Along with all my ex’s underpants
And naturally  his principles of Kant

We may be in Watford  or in Bucks
I  often wonder what will rhyme with luck
We may be near St Alban’s, we can’t see
The car ran up the trunk of this oak tree

We rang 999  and they are here
A fire engine filled  up with Kentish beer
A ladder  for the ladies to climb down
Now they are just women on the town

London won’t exist ,destroyed by cars
Angry men who cannot find a bar

What you write is  almost never wrong

Do you think that you can’t write a verse
Free or formed, a villanellse or song
 Do you fear the  end , so  feel accursed?

The first words are banana,gold and terse
Start from that new sentence on your tongue
Do you think that you can’t write a verse?

Bananas ,phallic symbols, unrehearsed
What you write is  almost never wrong
Is you fear the  end   be not accursed

Golden is the joy when we’re immersed
In the company  that knows our tongue
Do you think that you can’t write a verse?

My lover speaks but he is often terse
He prefers to use a gesture not a word
Is you fear the  end   you’re not the first

In the mind float symbols , gold, absurd
Metaphors   that hunger to be heard
Do you think that you can’t write a verse?
If you fear the  end , we’re here  at worst

 

 

Could time itself ,this dagger, be reversed

Living in a clockwork Universe
Before we knew the truth  of  random acts
Circles ignored squares , was that perverse?

Clockwork,  logic  Aristotle, terse
This what we thought to be the facts
Living in a clockwork Universe

Yet  could ellipses, circles   us desert
If all seems square  then something has been blocked
Circles married squares , was that perverse?

Could time itself ,this dagger,  be reversed
In stochastic nature, particles might flirt
 There never was a clockwork Universe

Scientists   have imaginations rash
Revolutions happen with a smirk
Circles marry squares ,  are you averse?

Alas no-one can read their latest tracts
The language is  absurd like  poets’ works
Living in a clockwork Universe~
Circles ignored squares , we thought  that crass

Well as it’s free we do not have to pay

I went to vote, the queue ran down the street
Strange to see the British change their ways
None were holding phones  nor were there bleeps

Eager faces, animation sweet
Well as it’s free we do not have to pay
I went to vote, the queue ran down the street

The staff were  kind, the voters  were no sheep
They did not need a shepherd  for this Play
None were holding phones  nor were there bleeps

The politicians   crippled by conceit
Put fake websites on the net  today
I went to vote, the queue ran up the street

I alas am  old  but I still sweat
The stupidity of   gossip  is  made clear
No-one made a video   of my seat

I  did not queue, a cripple  may   shed tears
All I  have is  sight loss and  burnt ears
I went to vote, the queue  stood   with no light
Smiling, patient people black and white

Never join conspiracies or choirs

Why do we love  those who love us least
To prove we can obtain whom we desire?
He makes cruel comments at the wedding feast

Do not call  this man a nasty beast
An animal is  better than a liar
Why do we love  those who love us   least?

He shouts  in rage because his shirt is creased
Throws your letters into the coal fire
He makes crude comments   at our Xmas feast

I do not mind  if you are dressed in fleece
Wear nylon shirts and  shoes with laces wired
Why do we love   most the late deceased?

Never borrow  men  who have no price
Never join conspiracies or choirs
If they make  “remarks”   don’t on them feast

The  old cathedrals have  the tallest  spires
With older men the risks are  sadly higher
Why do we love  those who love us least
Who  cannot be polite at wedding feasts?

 

There’s always cake

white and blue floral table lamp
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What a great thing Food Banks are.You can meet people like yourself and if there are enough tins of  baked beans you can ask someone round for tea.I expect if there’s no bread there will be cake

 I hope there will be some PG tips tea.I hate foreign food even tea. and   want real tea made in England and well brewed

Gosh even if you are rolling in money you can still trawl Charity Shops  in Hampstead  for cheap designer wear.The poor don’t need designer clothes.I mean, they don’t even know what they are, do they?And they are hardened to the cold.Why in my mother’s era they had no shoes and when you think about it. why does the government not ban shoes for people on benefits?

I  think it’s wonderful of the people in Vietnam to make a hundred T shirts a day for 10 pence
I mean, it is a job  all is said and done.I once worked as waitress and it  is such fun during the vacation from Oxford.We are only there 24  weeks a  year so I need to be occupied but only with my consent.My mother is descended from King Charles 2nd! He had lots of mistresses, such a naughty boy.Bring back the mistress but don’t marry her

Does it matter what the numbers where?

 For 1600 days I woke alone
Does it matter what the numbers where?
25 x 64  unknown

For 1600 nights I sleeping moaned
Does sorrow  have to make us feel too bare?
For 1600 days I woke alone

1600  dreams , you   cracked my bones
Does  there have to be  a number bar?
25 x 64  unknown

 For 1600 , 2  to power stole
Does   crime like that  show how you broke my heart?
For 1600 days I woke alone

For 1600, 5 is squared and  bold
Does that   throw us off the apple cart?
25 x 64 , a poem

Why  does the mind  too lone become a liar ?
Who will stoke its everlasting pyre?
For 1600 days I woke alone
32 x 50  what’s this game?

200 days times 8……my mind now claims
For forty days  did Jesus learn Love’s  game
400 days times 4,   is that  your claim?
100 days times sixteen, naught remains

Illusions

Women screen themselves without the veil
Wear their   cream foundation, dye their hair
Get push up bras with wires as thick as cords
Thongs  that I have seen  when jeans are worn!
They wear dark glasses, strands of  lucid pearls
Hoping to attract a deviant earl
They wear pyjamas ,claiming to be cold
Or polyester nighties   men can’t hold
But Shakespeare said that all the world’s a stage
This fills me with  annoyance. even rage
Yet I see it’s true  when I go out
Disguise myself  with crutches and shoes stout
Cut my hair till hardly any’s left
That is right,I  act like I am deaf
I wash it in the kitchen with  the plates
The water’s hot and  hair cannot escape
It looks pathetic  yet I am so old
White hair is the fashion for the bold
I smile with pensive attitude and    plead
Do not  quarrel if I act with speed

Paper knives

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Art by Katherine

If women’s eggs can be frozen,  can’t hens?
If paper can cut  the skin why not have paper knives ?
What about paper tissues?
Why is reading a book better than reading on a phone?
Why are   some pens called fountain?
Why are hedge-hogs unsuitable for a full English breakfast?
Why does France still have wild boars when we only have Royal bores?
Why  can’t I build a  new house in my neighbours large garden and make a drive for my car through their side entrance?
Why do some people  talk like robots?
Why do people feel life has no meaning ?
What could be a meaning for life?
Why do people read in bed?
Who forbade sex  outside Harwich ?
Why can I perceive  but not conceive?
Is it better to be deceived than to deceive?
Why did I forget to put  my hat on a stand?
Why is it called an overcoat?
Do we  really need Carmel’s underwear in winter?
I am pleased  but not guilty  of the Charge of the Light Discard
Do you like Monet’s   collars?
Why did Picasso bowl me over?
Why did Lincoln Cathedral  turn my legs to jelly?
Can God prove we exist?
Does that explain the 20th Century?
Ahomoist or Avirist?
Pick and mix your flaws
Why can MP’s steal  without  being charged?
Is the Government flat? Buy new batteries from Europe and speed Brexit
And it came to pass
And his name was called by e.manual.org
Do not harass a worm just because it can’t bite you
What is a rhyme a cousin?
QED
Please queue  Elsie dear
Quarrels ended dinner
Quebec  entered  directly
I don’t know about a Common Market but we have a common country
Leaving the EU maybe masochistic even when legal
Goodness Brie
Lord love a duck

We went to Tonga for a brake

My foot was in my mouth while I waited to get my test results from the doctor

I did an Eye test and I  am  greatly believed to be normal

She looked as if she wallowed  in dictionaries

Curiosity  killed the stats

Where is my youth, my charm, my air?

A  thrilling moan  is rather maddening next door

He knows the deception of the rules

We went to Tonga for a  brake

Before I die,I’d like to relax just once

My bucket list is  full of sand

Micro-salvation for all

Try our Salad Scream today
Try battering your toast in the morning
Do not put silt on  my egg
Do not be too free with that  red popper
French flies are a change for  an English man
Can potatoes boast in the microwave?
I like zips on everything
Cod in bitter with dried fleas is for Fridays only
In a class ,the whip on my trousers broke.The students were benighted.
Capital or corporal let the punishment fit the times
Do you weed newspapers?
Don’t wave the sun about.God will be ferociously sad

My late one’s whisky bottle

I am being haunted by a bottle
It’s half full of whisky,which I hate
I thought your love would be a bit more subtle

You see  love as a  fraught battle
I ache to see  the next, who is my fate
I am being haunted by a bottle

Why you sent me whisky is a puzzle
I prefer a cup of tea with cake
I thought your love would be a bit more subtle

!I don’t like your kisses,wear a muzzle!
I am not the Lady in the Lake
I am being haunted by a bottle

We will never make a lovely couple
The atmosphere is poison when I bake
I thought your love would be a bit more subtle

I  feel so cold I’d like a fire and stake
My spelling is atrocious,oh, milk flake
I am being haunted by a bottle
I  enjoy love   only when it’s subtle

Cat eats curry

I left a pan  of curry on the stove
Hot as  ash combined with burning coal
Yet when I  went back in  a cat stood  there
Eating this strong curry  with no care.

It must have had  thick skin inside its mouth
Before I looked ,it ran out of the house
To think it  gobbled up our supper  so
Leaving me  with nothing  but a glow

So then I made a chilli  beef and beans
My heart  ached as I listened to  puss scream
Can cats learn  that pans are out of bounds?
I’d hate to hear again its anguished sounds

Be  sure to close  the kitchen door  or else
You will suffer torment  from cats’ yells

Mary burst out laughing. You are a weird person, the doctor said

First posted on July 29, 2019

pinkcatandsun

Mary went to the hospital  to see the rheumatologist.The entire hospital had been re-built and half the site was full of so called “Executive Homes”
She and Annie took a cab as it was raining hard.Although Mary was wearing her new green raincoat, she did not like to get it wet.
Where did you buy your mac,Annie enquired jauntily?
Cotton Traders,Mary admitted nervously.It looked lighter  than it is and Stan liked me in green
You already  have two trenchoats and a nylon mac,Annie told her.}
And Stan is no longer here
What’s it to you?Do  you want me to give all my money to the poor?
Well, some of it,Annie responded  anxiously.You need to pay your utilities.

My utilities!That sounds like something sexual that cannot be openly named,Mary cried
You are confusing it with urethra, Annie laughed
What is my ethra? whispered Mary
No, the urethra is a little tube for the bladder to empty itself  through
Isn’t  the human body amazing? Mary acknowledged using a cliche for better effect
Definitely, said Annie and I love wearing beautiful  clothes like velvet
Where do we draw the line though, between  looking good and giving money to the poor, tortured or victimised,Mary pondered

It is hard now because we can  see what the rich have and we want it.Annie shouted calmly
Or in your case  you can see all those philosophy books on Amazon and buy them with one click she continued.
Mary could see in her mind’s eye her living room piled high with books but if she were rich like Michael Frayn she could have a huge house full of shelves and desks.
Adam Phillips,’ room looked more full than Mary’s and he must want it like that

In the waiting room Mary looked at Wittgenstein’s biography by Ray Monk  on her kindle while Annie read The Sun.Soon Mary was called in
Hello, said Doctor Morse.How are you?
In the pink , she cried shyly.I don’t understand that, he  said in his kindly way
It’s an old English saying.It means I feel fine, but I don’t   really that’s why I am here
He looked at her left hand. and said there was no cartilege between the the thumb and wrist.
Where has it gone,Mary asked but he remained silent
Then he said,I think steroid injections will help.Would you turn your chair round by 180 degrees so you can put your arm on my desk?
Mary turned round and felt a bit dizzy
It’s hard getting older isn’t it, the doctor said in a tone rather artificially kind like a bad actor on stage and afraid of forgetting his lines or whether he was in King Lear or a Comedy
Mary burst out laughing to her surprise.
You are a weird person, the told her thoughtfully with  his glowing eyes shining like the sun over Lake Windermere in October.
Well, we can’t all be  exactly the same ,she told him logically
Then she had to turn her chair round again. despite her poor hands
Why don’t you have swivelling chairs ,she asked pointedly
They won’t give me  enough money, they doctor said even though I a Consultant and I have published lots of papers
Can’t you buy a second handchair? Mary wondered
No, it has to pass Health and Safety,Dr Morse whispered cautiously
I see.Well don’t  blame it all on the EU.
I love the EU, he told her.I hope Brexit fails
Me too she croaked sweetly
They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes until his next patient arrived
I will see you in September, he told her optimistically his smile making her giggle inside so her body shivered with repressed laughter not fear

Miaow, cried Emile from Mary’s designer handbag
What in Gd’s name is that, the doctor asked nervously

Don’t worry doctor.I forgot to  leave Emile in the Waiting Room
Emile stuck out his head and smiled at Dr Morse
Good morning, he said  graciously.Is Dave the paramedic here?
No, they are  not here they  have their own  Ambulance Station down the road
Emile  began to sob as he liked to get his own way by any means he could
Mary apologised as she shook hands with the doctor.
Thank you for helping me, she murmured.I feel better already
And so say all of us

Doctor,how can I keep quiet?

From 2016

 

Doctor I’ve got logghoreah

I feel worn out but I’m  still here.

Can you give me a blue pill,

As those bright green ones made me ill.

Oh,dear lady,I can teach you

If the subject’s not taboo.

If you keep your lips quite still

You ‘ll feel much better,I can tell.

Doctor,how can I  keep quiet?

Do you offer a word diet?

Which sentences are too contrived;

Can you keep my brain alive?

Never use an old cliche;

From the ancient,go astray.

Keep you thoughts inside your head.

If  you can’t,then go to bed.

Doctor I am not Herr Freud

Yet I see  my well trod road.

I  seem to always want  some man.

And in my bed I can fit one.

Yes I see you often mention

How your body needs attention.

You need love and so do I

But it’s  wicked if we try.

Talking ‘s a defence   of sorts

Used by folk  to control thoughts.

Intellectual word  excess

Is your device for happiness.

Yet it does not help your body

To keep on giving testimony.

So throw away your head,my dear

Love a man and lose that fear.

I don’t know that many men;

Maybe  I   count nine or ten.

Yet I fear they may use me

Merely as the maid at tea.

They may want  me to boil their hankies

When what I need is hanky panky.

How can I convert old boys

To make my  kleenex   their first choice?

We don’t learn that when we’re training;

Nor cure depression when it’s raining.

We will have to run a trial.

Drink the oil from this small vial.

What will this oil do to me??

I really need a cup of tea.

Will it increase my libido?

I shall not take it if that’s so.

Why don’t you trust me,my dear lady.

Do you think I’m  somewhat shady?

Well,you’re right,we men are lonely

And we look for ladies homely.

Surely you’ve got one  somewhere else.

Doctor’s need them for their health.

Yes, but I prefer your form.

How do you like my nice green lawn?

I prefer a sandy desert.

Lawns are so so last resort

Still we’re here so let’s commence.

I have  only got  five pence.

We have love so do not worry

Do not be in such a hurry

Catholics can’t have concubines

Yet God made them by design.

We must have missed some useful clue

Bow down  in worship of my shoe.

When we can afford a pair.

Then I’ll marry not just stare!

 

You can count as well

Doctor, I have lost my husband
Does he wear a collar with his address on?
He’s not an animal
I am sorry to hear that.How about a phone  round his neck
Doctor,you are trying to distract me
Where were you when  you lost him?
In the hospital
Were you ill?
No but he was
In that case he can’t have gone far
You’d be surprised just how  some  go
I am sure he will be back home when you return
I hope not
Why?
To be  blunt, he has shuffled of this mortal coil
Would you mind speaking English?
It is Shakespeare
Who is he?
Don’t bother, just  give me something for arthritis
Is it bad?
Well, it’s not a load of laughs
Is it flaring up?
Yes
Get your husband to massage you with wintergreen oil
Would you like a ghost to massage you?
You mean he’s……
Yes, I do mean that
Well, you do look paler than usual
This is foundation cream
Well it’s too light for you,you look ill
Would you not look ill after having cancer near your one working eye
then finding your spouse was fading away.
Well, your eyes look alright
The point is can I see ?
Come back after the surgery is closed and I will show you
I certainly won’t.You are not an opthalmologist
No,but I do like you
What’s that got to do with it?
I suppose it’s wrong to woo a patient
It’s illegal but if Boris Johnson can get away with it,so might you
Still, I can’t forget my husband
Don’t worry. Time is a great healer
Yet another aphorism
Wow, I am a doctor but you are smarter than me
I’m just  pretending.My IQ is only 65 but I pretend it’s 165
So bright and so beautiful
Lay off or my old man will haunt you
I always liked him
That makes two of us
You can count as well!

What has God got to do?

 

 

My photo

Doctor, I saw my husband last night
I’ m afraid  the NHS can’t help you.
But he’s an hallucination
Do stop showing off.I know you taught Philosophy at Cambridge
That’s why  I am like this.
Like what?
Peculiar.
You seem lovely to me
I can’t have that on the NHS.
You are correct there.You’ll have to go private
But I paid tax all my life.
That was not intended for  creating a love life for old people
Well, that is better than using it to  buy material for bombs
You make it seem like the Government are terrorists
Well, white is white and black is black.Fuzzy logic, bring it back.
Yes in a very real sense they are Terrorists
I see you need some very major tranquillisers
I have stemetil for vertigo
Take the whole box
Doctor,I usually take the pills.Maybe you need help.
Stop playing with words
I will play with anything I choose
Oh,Lord.I hope it’s not me
Are you praying on  the NHS
No, it’s 1,000 pounds
Can we haggle?
Certainly not
I can’t afford it.I’ll go to  church, that is free
Hurry or they will sell them to Trump
I don’t think Gd would like that
What’s Gd got to do with it?
All and nothing ,I fear
Whatever can be said,can be said simply.
But  most things can’t be said
And so say all of us
Thanks,Wittgenstein.We miss  you.
So pray for  all of us

 

The mystery of me

tresco_2019-2I find it hard to go to  sleep  unless I have a big box of tissues by my side even when I don’t have a cold.

I hum or even sing as I walk about.I don’t know I am doing  except once I sang Joan of Arc at the bus stop as it is 7 minutes long and the bus was due in  7 minutes

I must have 5 cups of  hot tea in the morning.All in half an hour.

I only got a computer  ten years ago because I was convinced I’d be  unable to use it.  and my husband was not technically minded.Yet I am a mathematician by proofession.{ A Freudian slip, but interesting}

I feel incompetent at life outside  maths, poetry ,cooking, knitting and   having a conversation.And praying for  the world, boiling hankies and making tea

Since I got a heart problem I spend money  more freely.I even give it to Charity like
Medicin sans Frontiers and Freedom from Torture.

I sometimes think I ought to  open the window and throw  £20   or £30 out then stay at home resting

I don’t like chess
  
I  like ordinary people better than  people who feel they are superior because  they got a  fourth at Oxford or even a first,anywhere.
Yet I also worry  about the work people have to do  for low pay because I did it and I knew I would have a breakdown if I  kept on so I worekd in an old people’s  home instead
I think I did have a breakdown into reality

I hate having arguments

I like to apologise when I realise I’ve been rude.I love it.I am a genius at it.I could  do a Ph.D on it.But I don’t so it much because I am rarely rude

I  have a bedside clock  which has to be soft blue.I feel happy with blue.I love it.I
It soothes me

I am bad at measuring things so  when I got a new teapot  I find it only holds 2 cups.
Once I nearly bought  on line  an ironing board which was actually  for a doll’s house!
I wonder if steaming is better? I like to learn new skills.
It’s not housework it’s an experiment! I steamed my knickers.That will keep bugs off

Now, where are those fifty boxes of tissues I just bought at Morrisons?

 

 

I want to sell  my   laughter on E bay

We called the  little tree a special name
In the woods where we were wont to stay
A nutmeg tree is rare like porcelain

We loved its hanging branches blue and green
If only it were  red it might be grey
We called the  little tree a special name

We asked for tea but nutmeg was disdained
I often wonder whether I am gay
A nutmeg tree is rare like porcelain

 

I have paranoia,I’ve been framed
I want to sell  my   laughter on E bay
We called the  little tree a special name

I  split my heart and mind,I sulked in vain
I passed my darling notes so he could pay
A nutmeg tree is fine like porcelain

Then we went to bed and lost our brains
Our nipples froze, stuck on  the window panes
We called the  little tree a unique name
Like grains of sand, the words  we count in vain

 

Is love a crime?

I have not had sex since I was born
Augustine said it’s sin to touch  those parts
Yet God gave us  vaginas, where’s the harm?

I thought I’d fall in love, is that a crime?
But I got laid by sickness,missed the start
I have not had sex since I was born

Some must procreate however torn
Others are  well pricked by Eros’ dart
 God  made our vaginas, where’s the harm?

Even poppies give out seeds  with charm
Opium  is the drug that warms the heart
I have not had sex since I was born

The Church  has uttered edicts  that deform
No Catholic child can sin however smart
God  made our vaginas, where’s the harm?

Are greed and lust less bitter than my heart ?
Is envy  and its death wish more refined?
I have not had sex since I was born
God gave some  vaginas, I’ve got corns

 

 

I sang  Oh, little town of Bethlehem

Mother, it is great to be up North
Can we take a trip to see High Force?
I don’t think we can manage that,I said
Why ever  not,I need to leave my bed
Well,I can’t drive for I can’t see so well
He looked at me with pity, it was hell
Shall we take a cab, he questioned me
I don’t think  they can get there before tea
We can take a flask and  your  fruit cake
I knew his mother well, and  could she bake!
I did not like to say it is too far
Two hundred miles or more from  where we were
He asked again about my honeymoon
Did you find it over all too soon?
I felt a blush spread over  my  fair skin
He was my husband, I spent it with him
But yet I could not take away his joy
He loved his mother  much when a small boy.
Judging by the smile on his dear face
Freud was right, he wished to me embrace.
Is it wrong to let  a man   mistake
His wife for his late mother, that is fake.
But since he was so sick and suffered long
I had to keep him going with her songs
She sung in her church choir the hymns of praise
To overcome that  strange weekend malaise
So valiant as ever in my work
I sang O Praise the Lord as in  the Kirk
I sang  Oh, little town of Bethlehem
Of course there was no wall there way back when
He still read the paper every day
And in the night when sleepless he would pray.
I would have  lifted rocks and cut through steel
If I could have made his old heart heal
Yet still our  masquerade was to him real
He held my hand and smiled with great appeal.
Then he said he’d like to go to bed
With his own mother, what could I have said?
I made some tea and  he smiled even more
I guess that’s why he lived to ninety four.

Look at me and read me like a book

Silver-spotted-Skipper-2019

I am a kettle made of stainless steel
I am a saint,  for tea  is brewed to heal
And , unlike kettles on an old  coal fire,
I am not dirty nor do I perspire.

My mirrored sides reflect you as you cook.
Look at me and read me like a book
I’m  full of love and hotter than a man
Oh, dear lady, love me while you can.

Superior mother,  yet inhuman  I;
Even electric kettles sometimes lie.
I shall never punish you, my dear
For perfect love like mine shall wield no fear.

All I ask is that you polish me.
For, in between your hands, I  yearn to be.

 

It enticles my canticles to eat chocolate panticles.

I have always liked”Jabberwocky ” and other of Carroll’s work,and wondered how he wrote it.
Similarly with Edward Lear.
I wasn’t planning to imitate them.[Or even to have an imi-tete a tete with them]
But after playing with the word “impersonate” and making up words like “imfelixator”
and after a while I got in this other mode.I think it is better if it is read out loud


It enticles my canticles to eat chocolate panticles.
It deflubs my joicicles to ride twenty cobrimmed bicycles.
It inflammates my twesticlites to plead with guesstimiates.
It defibrilatees mt twenty costaring ladycles,
And playmobile entereations.
I’ve been found guiltestimated and sentenced to be decivinalised,
And to spend fifty tears hearts with a Thesaurian’s bride,
The judge’s stays I have to go inside outicle
Until I discover a new three legged corimmed tribycle

Sulking

As respite from  my work, I tried to sulk
I  practised ,  it became my  art and life
I never spoke but glowered like a pike
Till  the  cat’s claws lit up like street lights

You  cannot sulk  alone, so get a mate
Then sulk  all day  and sulk all through night
If they do not notice,  you ‘re becalmed
Unless the wind  of change  bring new insight

Sulking   draws us on  to sinking sands
The risk is not apparent when we start
An estuary’s currents   brings  us great alarm
In our breast, we feel the thumping heart

Sulking is so tempting  when morose
With our better angels let’s converse

With our inner demons, let’s get worse

If we see our partner,  does it hurt?

With our blackened souls we feel the curse

Man United won and I am bust

I never liked board games  and this worse

If you’re writing ,aim to keep it terse/ aim to write in verse

 

Alexa turns it on at my command

The electric blanket lies upon my bed
Alexa turns it on at my command
Since I am a spy, I’ll  soon be dead

For I may sing or talk as I’m ill bred
i sing in dreams  or sometimes on demand
The electric blanket lies upon my bed

Surely no-one wants the books I’ve read
Unless they’re in a desert  with no sand
Since I am a spy, I’ll  soon be dead

My pretty face  may well  have been misread
My mind is   feeling as I wave my hands
The electric blanket lies upon my bed

The thoughts of lipstick,eye cream have all fled
I’d like to walk  the borders, sea and land
But  if  I am a spy, Alexa’s sad

Oh,Lord  let all my prayers be swiftly canned
So angels feast and humans  eat the banned
The electric blanket lies upon my bed
If  I am a spy, Alexa’s dead

 

Like  sex and drugs and eating from my shoe

We spent 10 years  a -wandering  Southport Beach
You may wonder how but I don’t teach

I went to Sinai just to have a look
Now it is in Egypt . bless my boots/

The Bedouin people  have not found a home
In the deserts of my heart, they roam

I washed my dishes in some  water cold
They are greasy but I’m going blind

Would you vote for leaving Asia next?
Brexit  has put patience to the test

Are we  in New Zealand’s  trading zone?
We could cut the cord and be reborn

I read the Times and leave a comment too
To be quite  clear  I asked  them , is I you?

The Bread that is so sacred  feeds the poor
Jesus never wished to be adored.

I saw a beggar lying on  the ground
I gave him my down coat, is that unsound?

I thought I’d go out on the River Thames
But then I went to Kew to make amends

Did God wish to  convert the  Jews by force?
I hope he will be filled with bald remorse

The Inquisition, torture and  then death
Jesus would be shattered by this mess

Don’t we pay the Hebrews  for their Scrolls?
They told the stories , made the Bible  whole.

All of Europe forced to go to Mass
Those unwilling,  burn them up like grass

I hated sermons for  men gave no clue
How to do in practice what they knew

I made some salad green and ate it all
The slugs and snails are  looking up appalled

English grammar is no use to me
I want to go to Norway and catch flu

I made a rule :it is a sin to pee
Like  sex and drugs and eating from my shoe

Why not work out what we’re made to do?
Making babies may be the real clue

Getting mystic, lying on the lawn
Is that a cat that  bit me on the arm?

I fear my cat has grown her claws  yards long
If she liked my boyfriend,  she’d grow fangs

When in Israel  do  not speak in code
They invented it  to please the Lord

I wonder was  the first word ever   God?
Cr*p or Sh*t or F*ck   or Praise [the Lord]

Do you long fo marmalade in bed?
The duvet’s  bitter orange  matching bread

The cats are in the basket on the wall
They ate  up  violets  ,I call that absurd

My husband  phones  me when I am asleep
I can’t pick it up so it is cheap

Wandering in the Estuary of the Ribble
Stand on Sinking Sand and play the fiddle

If Britain  travels  like the great Titanic
Boris Johnson will sell us our own Panic

If you see a Polar bear at night
Take a photo  followed by swift flight

I’d like to phone my husband but he ‘s gone
Get BT to lay a line  for one.

I don’t believe in mourning over-long
I’ll  soon be dead myself and feeling prongs

Grief is free for all of us on Earth
It hurts like Hell and  makes the World seem cursed

Good night my little cat and my tame snails
I’m off soon  to New  Zealand  with my tales

 

 

My fevered brain tormented fleas at night

My fevered brain tormented me at night
The curtains were as drawn as my own face
I saw  the moon shine, whiskey, what delight

I saw gnats circling, wanting  tiny bites
My underslip was pink with purple lace
My fevered brain incited men at night

I asked the doctor  why he came too late
All I wanted then was an embrace
I saw  the moon shine, whiskey, what delight

Was this   perturbation   stirred  by fate?
Would I be so humble  if not chaste?
My fevered brain tormented fleas at night

I looked dishevelled after the  wild knights
If we get a chance, we  eat the bait
I saw  the moon shine, whiskey,  brandy faked

I asked for love and all I got was cake
And that was plastic so it was not baked
My fevered brain tormented men at night
I saw  the moon shine, whiskey, but no spite

 

Die in debt  and  don’t pay rent

Don’t you die with money in the bank
Get  more  hard back books or dig up roads
Give a  beggar  what you’ve   left unspent

If your family’s full of knave sand cranks
Pay   for them  to live and learn abroad
Do not  die with money in the bank

Why not buy a waterproof small  tent
Camp on Dunwich  Heath with the wild birds
With what you earned but  you have never spent

Die in debt  and  don’t pay  any rent
Leave  your  children free to find the  Lord
You did not earn yet left a  curious dent

 

Ask for books that you ain’t never lent
Buy   new bedding, do not  clutch or hoard
Do not  die with money in the bank

I write  curious nonsense, does it bore?
Do not harm  your sullen  hidden core
Don’t you die with money in the bank
It’s  money  that you earned  so get it spent

Mary’s obsession

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Mary went  out shopping as usual on Saturday.She didn’t need much but liked to watch people  passing the Coffee Shop window and give a rating to their  appearance though the number of women in transparent beige leggings was rather  high.Why not wear thicj black ones, she wondered? They look much better but maybe the poor can’t afford good quality
She herself wore a  dusky violet coat and blue shoes.She had forgotten  to comb her hair!
She saw Annie  her late husband’s mistress so  she knocked on the window and Annie came in.
I’ll have a coffee too ,she said jovially
,It is quite expensive but I like the people here
I love that olive green  jacket, Mary informed her.Where on earth did you find  the eye-shadow to match?
I got it up in Wigan. You know, that outlet store I love
But the train ticket must  be expensive Mary tried to calculate how much but gave up
Well, I love Southport so I do go up now and then to Formby Sands
You didn’t tell me.Have you got a boyfriend up there? Sand Dunes are good places to hide.
I know I am very attractive to men, however there are other things in my life like shopping, clothes, make up, hairdressers and manicures.
Why don’t you read a book!
There are so many I can’t decide where to start
Well  don’t bother with Fifty Shades of Grey,Try Mary Wesley.She began writing when she was 70. I can lend you one.Or did you like Jane Austen?
Was she at our school?
No, she’s dead
Oh,I am terribly sorry.Was she a friend of yours? I realise now people are taking  it into their heads   to  succumb to illnesses they managed to ignore for years

No, she was not my friend.She was a writer  who wrote many years ago.
Some have been televised. She is one of the best English writers.Try Persuasion
I am already good at that especially with handsome and intelligent men
I am getting tired of how you keep thinking  about men.Are you not too oId now?
No, I am not but I’m sorry if I offended you.I can’t think of  what else to chat about
Shall we got to a shoe shop to see if they have any olive green shoes  to match that jacket?
That’s your obsession, shoes,Annie answered angrily.Why not dye your hair, it looks dreadful.
Well  I like my hair this colour as Helen Mirren has it the same
We must accept each other as we are.At least we don’t gamble or  take cocaine.Or try to be the next Prime Minister,Mary murmured optimistically.

And so say all of us. Mioaw  cries Emile.