How Mary invented Toad in the Hole

When Mary was newly married, women were still expected to do all the cooking.
Oh,dear she sighed as she got off her sports bike and went onto the house.
I am so exhausted but we can just have sausages tonight,she thought.
Stan was very fond of pancakes so to augment the simple meal she decided to make some batter in the liquidiser and she even had some fresh lemons.
Emile was only a kitten but could speak a few words in English
What is for my dinner,he asked pensively.
Would you like some sausages,Mary asked him thoughtfully.
OK, the cat said in a grumbling voice.I’d love a kipper more though
Just like Stan.Stan had been out in a fishing boat from Whitby once.When they were up there he and Mary visited the smoking parlour where herrings where smoked with real smoke.I don’t believe it was provided by men smoking cigarettes though.It was from a fire.
Mary put the sausages into a roasting tin and browned them under the grill.Then she put them down on the table to wait while she got the batter out of the liquidiser so she could wash the goblet before it got sticky.All of a sudden Emile darted across the kitchen as he saw a mouse in the corner.Mary was knocked off her balance and so the batter flew out of the goblet into the roasting tin.
What a disaster.Both courses of the meal ruined in one sweep.Mary almost cried.Until she realised the batter was sizzling in the dripping so she put the roasting tin into the oven on a medium heat…. and so it was a new dish was invented
When Stan arrived home he was attracted by the lovely smell.Not from Mary,no, from the oven.
What are you cooking,darling, he cried.
Mary was embarrassed as she didn’t want to tell him how she fell over.Why it’s new dish I have got from a very new cookery book. that has not yet been published.
Stan thought that was rather odd but as he hoped for some hanky panky later on he remained silent,a tactic I highly recommend
Mary cooked some sprouts and carried the food to the table which Stan had laid.
Delicious, he cried as he ate the hot batter.What’s for pudding,dearest?
Mmmm, yoghurt, Mary answered,or hot grilled spiced peaches with thin cream.
I know you like Jam Roly Poly or Spotted Dick but I’ve not had time to do that.We can have one at the weekend.
I’ll just have an apple,he cried.Will you play, Eve?
And so play all of us.

Please call later

Please call back later.I am in the washing machine.
Please call back tomorrow as my deodorant has run out.
Please smile when you leave your message.
Please come round now.I need to change the duvet cover.
Please call later I am inside the duvet cover,
Please call later.I am covered in Tide with bleach.
Please do a video call to admire my new blonde hair.
Please call later .My boyfriend is here.
Please call next week.I am reading Little Dorrit
Please call an ambulance,my boyfriend is pale and hungry.
If you have committed adultery don’t tell me!

The delivery

Please ring the doorbell before you kick the door.
Remember some people may be in the bathroom
I am really sorry you are so badly paid because, apart from anything, else you are nicer than most people I meet.And even if you are not you deserve a living wage.
My neighbours may have given you my number but they’ve not always told me.Nor asked me.
I can’t afford to keep repainting the door and please don’t break the window

Cross your lips and never lie

You seem as sweet as a paint brush

with its head in the glue…
Be mindful what you wish for..
that may happen to you.
Your head is quite pointed
Your hands are on fire.
If the problem continues
The outcome may be dire.
Your eyes look so lonely
and your nose is solo.
Your lips can be crossed,
for you seem like a pro.

Mary wants to throw out her bed

phon

Mary picked up her mobile phone to ring for a cab..On it,there was a message.You have missed a call from home.Mary shivered.
Has Stan come back?
Then she recalled she had rung her own mobile before coming out.Her mind sagged like sheet of rubber suspended between four tall trees in the jungle..
Hello,It’s Mrs Tan.Can you do a me cab from the dental surgery to my home? It’s right by the doctor’s surgery.
She stepped outside into the warm air which felt like a caress on her poor numb face
When she got home she found Annie in the kitchen looking at her collection of cookery books.
Do you want to get rid of any of these, her friend queried.
I am thinking of learning some new recipes so I can invite those awful therapists across the road for dinner.But I have to be sure that what I serve has no hidden meaning especially aggressive or sexual.
Well,Mary said,don’t you think that people differ in what they find sexual?
Beats me,said Annie meaningfully.I fancy doing beef in beer with French bread and mustard baked on the top.
I used to do that,Mary said.Why did we stop doing that cooking? Penguin brought a new book every month.I have most of them and ,at the weekend, I’d study them for ages looking for things like apple mousse and different stews.
When we first got married I used a kind of cheap women’s magazine approach and most often as a pudding I did tinned peaches with cinnamon sprinkled on grilled till hot and spicy.Eventually, Stan got fed up with it and so I got into cordon bleu and using real cream not Carnation milk

P1000322

Her blue eyes gleamed in excitement and were rendered even more remarkable by the teal and turquoise eye shadow Annie had forced her to wear which matched the sea blue mascara she already had.Annie said.
it will be good for us both to meet new people especially educated ones
Mary disagreed.I like ordinary people because a certain amount of education makes some people very conceited and only real scholars or mystics realise that the more we know the more we realise our own ignorance.Will such folk like makeup?
Perhaps one of the psychoanalysts will be a mystic,Annie retorted loudly
But would such a person want to visit us? Mary bleated childishly.
Why not? They have to eat and they may need a new love interest or someone sympathetic who will know how hard their job is.Someone like me,beautiful funny and willing to look after a man when he needs it.
How about a man who might look after you,Mary said brightly
Well,it’s not quite the same.I like looking after men whereas you prefer reading about Fourier series and infinite integrals.And knitting patterns,she added hastily as if omitting that interest would severely anger Mary.
I think we’ll invite two men and two women ,all single.They can bring their cats for Emile to play with if they want.And we’ll eat in the kitchen to make it more relaxed.
Thank God,said Mary as the dining room was full of paper and books.
Why don’t I have a study,she pondered.Or ,if I slept in the dining room, my bedroom has a lovely view and I have an old desk somewhere.
Mary ,in her younger days, had often moved the furniture around and had even slept on a camp bed on the lawn one summer but she no longer did this as looking after Stan had worn her down to a shred of her former self.
But beds do take up so much room.Without them ,the house would be quite spacious.And how about tables and chairs… her mind ran on as she quite fancied a new start without moving house.
With fewer clothes ,she could ditch a wardrobe… on the other hand ,she could not afford such quality clothes again on her widow’s pension.Isn’t life tough?
To think she might have to stop wear Bowlands of Wrath was a rather painful thought.Still most of humanity have got hardly anything so maybe Mary will think more deeply about donating some to Oxfam.
Suddenly the doorbell rang.Dave was outside
Are you both ok?I’ve not heard from you lately,he remarked as he powdered his nose.
Well,I do have an old desk that you can carry upstairs for me,Mary told him thoughtfully.Then we need the floor scrubbing.I’m sure the NHS will pay.After all dirt might make us ill!
And so prey all of us.

The serpent

Battre le fer pendant qu’il est chaud.
Batter the serpent,kill or show!

Butter the four pence.Dante keemest shows

Bien mal acquis ne profite jamais.
Been Mahler who’s the key prophet,I’d say
Behind Mall. a key non-property is away.
Bonne renommée vaut mieux que ceinture dorée.
Bonne renamed ;vote, my eye!Who sent Doh,Ray?;Further on it evokes miaows!get onto her Faure

Bon sang ne saurait mentir.
Bouncing, no sore,Eamon,tears
Big sing ;no Faure was mentioned.

Pie Jesus
Peer Jesus.
Poor Jesus

Ce sont les tonneaux vides qui font le plus de

Recently,tons of videos with indecent lap dances.
Incessant Leighton with key, for he wants the view

Wrongly worded sentences

1.And I’d like to thank Dr Smith for exposing himself so often in postgraduate discussions when all the other fellows had left

2.I’d like to thank the chef here for all those pots of free wee in the afternoon

3.And the Babylonians for inventing real lumber and the Indians for inventing Nothing

4.I’d like to thank my husband for finding a mistress so I could write my crook

5.And Marks and Spencer for their ready made Wheels

6. l thank the men for wearing very baggy trousers so we ladies won’t be distracted by their gorgeous figures.

7 M& S for their delightful cotton blunderwear which saves much coshing

8 And thank you to the Exams Office for their blindness now and in the past

9 Thank you to Noreen and Brian for typing my creases out

10 And thank God I have finished my studies of jumbles now and forever.I hope to work in an other dimension if dimwitted.

My hovercraft is full of eels

https://youtu.be/akbflkF_1zY

http://www.omniglot.com/language/phrases/hovercraft.htm

kráft mu íne gemáto hélia)
Greenlandic	Umiatsiaasara pullattagaq nimerussanik ulikkaarpoq
Gujarati	મારું હોવેરક્રાફ્ટ ઈલ માછલીઓ થી ભરાઈ ગયું છે (maru hovercraft eel machhalio thi bharay gayu chh
Hausa	Jirgina a cike yake da bano
Hawaiian	Pihaʻū oʻu mokukauaheahe i nā puhi
Hebrew	הרחפת שלי מלאה בצלופחים (Harahefet sh’eli mele’ah betzlofahim)
Hindi	मेरी मँडराने वाली नाव सर्पमीनों से भरी हैं (merī ṃḍarāne vālī nāv sarpamīnoṁ se bharī haiṅ)
Hungarian	A légpárnás hajóm tele van angolnákkal

Types of people

Since our two hard years, I have come across different sorts of people

1,Whatever you have they have had it but worse.If it is the truth then I sympathise but I notice often it’s like:

P2 You been in a fight?
P1:I’ve had 15 stitches in my face for removing something dangerous;sorry you can still see the marks.It will go eventually
P2 I had a wart removed from my leg once.Did you have anaesthesia?
P1 I had 23 injections but it was tolerable in view of the problem
P2 I had an injection at the dentist’s ;it was awful.
P1 When?
P2 I can’t recall

OR
P3 I am sorry I am behind with my work ,I’ve had pneumonia
P4 I’ve just had a terrible cold.I was in bed 3 days
P3 Did your wife sleep in the spare room?
P4 No,she took 3 days off and we had a great time.Did you?
P3 I couldn’t lie down.I could hardly breathe.
P4 Sounds like BDSM
P3 Be off or I’ll knock that smile off your face.
P4 I was only trying to help you.
P3 Try to hinder me in future,please.

2.People who give you their notions of your errors

I’ve just had a heart attack
Well,you are too aggressive,you see.
I don’t agree.
Well,it’s unconscious,you see.
Would it help me to be consciously aggressive?
No.
So what do I do?
Have psychoanalysis for 45 years.
Have you?
I don’t need it.I am perfect as I am.In fact I am a therapist.Here’s my card.

Eight letters make infinity

1.Blake saw infinity in a grain of sand…and spent an eternity in the shower.. [he saw eternity in a flower;where the bee sips…]

I never knew they even had showers back then!

2.Infinity is unimaginable,indescribable and unfathomable

and all in eight letters.

3.Eternity could seem short when writing is going well

and an hour may seem agonizingly long if you are unhappy.

4.Why did Blake single out one grain of sand?
Was he going to sow it ? He wanted a desert in London.Does sand grow or is it fixed?

5.Aren’t thoughts intriguing?
And all free if your head is empty like mine is..

Complementary partners

They say that some marriages are between similar people and others are of complementary types.I believe mine was the latter.So when a partner leaves or dies or evaporates the remaining one may take on some of the characteristics od the lost partner.
So I was looking forward to getting

1.Good judgement of people
2.An ability to read faces with uncanny accuracy and predict action
3.A warm and compelling personality
4.A possibly irrational hatred of Lord Soper and Dr Ian Paisley
5.A keen interest in politics and discussing them all the time
6. An ability to eat fish without vomiting
7.Knowledge of poetry,art and writing and ability to pass a doctoral oral exam conducted in Latin
8.Losing the ability to spot the criminal in the first 3 minutes of a thriller
9. Forgetting I ever taught anyone anything hence not causing trouble in public by explaining things in minute and exact detail in the belief people will be grateful
10 A liking for whiskey so I can drink the bottle in the sideboard

What did I get?
1. An unsurpassed and previously non-existent skill in burning pans [6 top quality ones so far] by failing to put water in after emptying and not turning off the gas.
2..A knack of leaving the hot tap running before going out for a few hours.
3.A deep rage whenever I see an expressionless face like our leader
4.An inability to waken up in the morning

Let’s see what the next year brings..bankruptcy if the pans burn on and on and the electricity bill goes up.

I am filled with May

I thought that there were no good rhymes for ebb
And so I could no sonnet write today.
But then I thought of Adam’s stolen rib,
And how the Lord enjoys a little play.

I thought there were no rhymes at all for flood
My competence was at its lowest ebb.
But then we saw old trees ,astonished, bud
And I wrote this upon the world wide web.

I thought no word could ever rhyme with neap
And so I fell into a writer’s dock
The sight made all the singing blackbirds weep
And hence I raised my head from off the block.

I thought I’d write no poetry today
But now I have and I am filled with May.

If you are witty, please leave the city

Rain stopped prayer today.
It never drains when it pours.
I never complain till my heart roars.
He pestered me,flustered me,beseeched me,admired me ,then threw me off like a used old coat.
What a liar..but to do him justice he’s very trying and none can compare in sighing with self pity.. sometimes witty,
Floods washed my heart away and I feel lost.
There’s many a true word spoken as a test.
Endurance is the only way to get rhymes
A few words are best not spoken out loud.
Better to touch than to strike a hard blow.
“Tis better to have lived with cost,than never to have lived at all.
Better to have trusted and lost than to have manipulated to a self serving end
I love you only once a day.
I love you when I see you pray
Wisdom is the king of humour.
Spite is the malady that kills.
He shall tear his frock…. stop stealing my clothes and tear your own
Was Jerusalem built here,in England’s mares and evil spheres?
We here believe Jesus was white and an Englishman,
I wish you a merry Litmus.
He needs his head resting,doctor
I was tried many times and pleaded for sanity.
Old men are more malicious as their nerves are torn.
If,homeless kindly sleep in Church.Thank me,too.
If depressed kindly weep in Church.
If shy,please don’t mention it.
If worried you may gnaw your embroidered kneeler.
If paranoid,we are looking at you sideways.
If fasting,kindly faint quietly.
If abstaining,please weep softly.
If dead please report to the Vicar.
If wicked ,please play away tonight.
Tread lightly for I have shared all my dreams and you have used me badly.
Don’t stop till the gnats have all stung.
The vicar went out with a wrangler from Cambridge.
If you need legal advice you are in the wrong place.
Fish and whips available in the bookstore.
Handcuffs are going up as Marks And Spencer go down…
If completely expired, keep mum.
If past your use by date don’t rot till after the service then kindly place your body in the compost heap and you can call your soul your own for a while.
Men often have an idea of themselves totally remote from the truth.
And women keep quiet out of pity.
Whip up a mouse for the dessert?
If weighed down by sins kindly recycle them in the church Bin

Controlled uncontrol

And here are Pandora’s socks,Professor Smith,quipped,as the female student in the front row fell asleep whilst sitting upright in a large armchair.
And I also have Achilles’ heel here.His name is on it
Now for your project,I want you all to say Three Hail Mary’s.
A large bee stung my ass and I awoke and coughed up my soul onto the bed.
Get back inside,I cried.Keep my whole,give me oil,keep me churning.
Alright,it muttered calmly.Don’t lose your head.
I have it well screwed on,I responded.
This is a surprise to see you.
Well,since Pandora lost her socks all the souls have been getting loose from their bodies.Women…why do they lose their socks so much?
After that,the doctor called.
Hi, he screamed.
For God’s sake,don’t do that,I shouted
I’m not dead you know..even though my blood pressure is zero.He smiled and handed me a blood sugar monitor.
Here you are,this will cure your pneumonia.
What about my new mania?
What is that?
I am interested in spirals…
Keep it under control.
The whole point of mania is to be out of control
Try for a sort of controlled uncontrol,then.my dear,he murmured.
What a clever idea,I told him.Goodbye
I swallowed the test kit and it cured the pneumonia immediately.Yet I had to have surgery to extract it.So the cure was no better than being hung by bees.
Honey,you are my honey,honey…how I need you so.Never let me go.

We are mauled by cats

Dazzled by the shine of your teeth I fell of the kerb under an inarticulate lorry.
Call I’m dead,I’m dead.That should get attention if only from Satan,
Call it a fray? It’s a riot
Call off the frogs.I give in
Put him on the car,pet,
We are mauled with cuts
He saw to the diffusion of his unravelling oughts before passing.
Can the wit and store it
Can, forlorn ,looking for tin opener with view to engagement
I cannot learn another alphabet this week
I can’t get to first embrace with him
One can’t beat much with a wick,
I can’t train him for lying,He is old fashioned

Be a stoic

Created with Nokia Smart Cam

No mobile groans are allowed immediately prior to surgery or when coming round

Please faint on the bed only.Or if pushed,faint on the nurse if he looks strong enough

Do not attack the doctor.He is only a pest here.He to help us so we must reciprocate

Pills must be swallowed and not used to play tiddly winks with or to poison enemies.
Do not undress in this cubicle.Undress outside before entry.Leave your clothes in the bin for people to steal (X ray unit]
Kindly tell us your name and credit card numbers before we drug you.
If afraid please don’t mention it
.If no night nurse is available please die after 8 am.
If you must have sex , please go home first
If you have no relations please ask the doctor to oblige when he finishes his rounds.
If you feel weak,do not use your Kindle Fire on the bed
After a heart attack do not resume sex for at least ten years
Sex is a form of exercise but also can create chaos in public.Try walking.
If borderline kindly make your mind up whether you love or hate the pest doctor

If you have no bosom,you are probably a man.Wards are now mixed so there is no.
problem apart from a shortage of braziers.
If you have any nuts,please use your dentures
Cover all your parts before the Royals visit.
Please leave me all your money before you leave the ward when about to pass over
Sex changes by an operation or sometimes naturally.
Are you bored in bed?Get out and walk up and down the corridor to annoy the visitors
If you have erosive dermatitis, please dry carefull
None of the staff understand the government…so please do not mention David Cameron if you wish to go home in one piece.
Pies are sold in the conservatory.We do not know why.
In fact we know hardly anything but don’t worry,we’ll treat you barbarically anyway.
Be a stoic and keep still

Mary has a date

Dotty cats 2

Mary decided that, purely out of scientific interest, she would join an on-line dating service.Her main problem was filling in the form.You need an degree in English to even understand the,
Shall I put down my profession?,she asked Annie her late husband’s mistress.who lived right next door., which is why he chose her as he was lazy
Just put teacher,Annie told her.Don’t give any more details,she went on
Why?Do you think men wouldn’t like female mathematicians Mary asked tentatively
Wait till they have got to know you a bit first,said Annie
Actually I can barely work out percentages now,Mary confessed sheepishly.
But is it moral to deceive? she wondered out loud
Well,it’d better to go step by step with many things.I’ll take a new photo of you after I set your hair.It’s your face which is most important and your eyes,
You could have fooled me,Mary told her ,recollecting colleagues gazing at her bosom in meetings.
Well,we don’t know for sure,Annie admitted scientifically yet prosaically
Two weeks later Mary had met a very handsome art teacher called Bill.They went walking in the woods and took photographs of trees and flowering shrubs and had tea in the cafe.Later they went out for dinner in a restaurant where Dave the wonderfully amiable transvestite paramedic was by chance eating with his brother Peter,who was a sheep farmer .
Hello,Dave, she said.This is Bill,my date.He’s an artist.
So you like really clever women,Bill,Dave asked him courteously.
I’ve never met any, as yet,Bill replied.
Mary’s face went bright red as she realised even if nobody told Bill her job, she could not carry on deceiving him.
Well,how about Mary ? Dave asked naughtily.
She’s fairly intelligent I think, said Bill.But I’m ok with that.
Suppose she was highly intelligent then?
I don’t think she’s so much above average.
Did you pass your maths O level.Dave asked politely
No,I never was good at maths but I am very gifted at Art.Brilliant.That’s why I am puzzled I can’t sell a picture.
Mary and Dave began to giggle.
Maybe you could paint Scrodinger’s cat? Mary cried
Where does he live,asked Bill.If it’s not too far I can drive over.Are they well off?
No, he’s dead,Mary chortled.I want a dust jacket for my book and you could do the design with a cat in the middle.
Bill looked a bit uneasy.He then turned to Mary and told her he was feeling faint so he ran out leaving her to pay the bill with her Sainsburys’ Mastercard or even with money.
Oh,Dave,she said,why were you here? I liked him.He is handsome and fit.
It was just serendipity,he murmured as he admired her gorgeous red face and wild curly hair.Maybe I’ll take you out one evening?If Emile is ok with it.Emile being a cat did not speak English but he made his feelings plain
So Mary was not going to see Bill again but at least she had been out

2013-02-08 11.15.30

New Menu

Main course

Cheese on hoist plus free HP Choice
Beans scone boast
Eggs in pease sauce with lice
Shattered acorn ditties
Sausage bowls with sonatas
Foxglove salad and Green Cheese
Cheese clones and beetroot
Quiche with whips and wish on a dish

Dessert

Trifle with men or scream
Rice flooding with jam
Hot dry desert and lemonade
Yoghurt from the moat in the field
Jellied scream
Apple pie and fussed herd
Mirthday Quake
Apple Mouse Cordon Sanitaire
.Fatless home baked sponge cake with strawberry and my wife free.

Your virtues’ demises.

Do you believe you are too charismatic

Or maybe too timid or blue?

Get emotional support

With a degree of rapport.

You pay me and I write for you.

You may be a narcissistic misfit

But you can find true love on-line.

Describe all your vices

Your virtues’ demises.

A demon will see it given time.

For if you are wicked be careful;

Don’t marry a saint by mistake.

Two nasty people,

Will feel almost equal.

And neither has a heart to break.

Language post-dates God

Instead of going to Confession in future I am going to write my sins on a piece of paper,put in in a bottle addressed to God,and throw it into the sea from Southend Pier as that is very long.

Instead of having Extreme Unction and then dying I plan to die first and then I won’t have to speak to the priest as he does his duty.

Instead of going to Mass I am going to worship a cat that lives by the river.After all,God made it.He made me too.This is not logic

You know,it’s not so much that God wants us to worship him, it’s more we want to do it,even need to worship something other than possessions and worldly things.Think about it.

When we had Benediction I dared to look up to see what Fr McGrath was holding up.
It was called a Monstrance.Quite expensive unless it was just painted gold… who would know? I rather liked bowing down to a sort of golden wafer,if you see what I mean.Better than to a politician.What God thought we don’t know.Even if he has thoughts because language post dates God by a long way.

How to use the prefix “un”

I love an old man with grey hair.
His complexion is rugged yet fair.
I made him some biscuits.
And we decided to risk it.
But do far we’ve not dared to go bare.

I feel it’s my heart he adores
It pounds as we lie on the floor.
We could go to bed
But that’s sinful,it’s said.
And I don’t wash the sheets any more.

I think we should marry next week
As the outlook fert’ angina is bleak
I don’t want to die
As in sin I lie.
As a passionate old wife I can streak .

But should I get married in white?
I may be an incongruous sight.
For as I am pale
And feeling un-hale
My appearance may bring down a blight

Confess on line

Cats Please tell me how to download a new microphone onto my laptop.
Can I buy the internet in PC world?
I put DWD40 onto the usb cord to ease it into the port.Was that ok?
I nailed my ipad to the table and now it won’t work.
My wife has accidentally posted her inbox onto Blogger. Does it matter?
Can I catch a virus from the computer?
Shall I clean the keyboard with Jif?
Can Sainsburys see me when I place an order?
I don’t like Amazon selling porn.Can you block it for me?
Can anybody start a blog?How do you stop it?
Why is it dangerous for me to use my photo as an avatar when it’s on the back of my novels and I’ve been interviewed on TV?Is it the back-lighting from the computer or are computers intrinsically sexual
How do I download a new letter A as mine broke when the dog scratched my keyboard?
Can God use a computer?
Do Catholics confess online now?

They were firing on all Wallanders

He sees whether birds have caps like pens.. it’s a living….but what a living!

An infidel brace is handy to keep the Fascists off one’s brain

I fell off my own plate into the saucy pan and he licked me out

A few bricks were shy but became looser as the night bored on

We were a few flies short of a happy meal but loved the beetles in brandy and the frogs in breeeze sauce

Chew sandwiches unless short of a tooth peg…then dip them in your wine and suck

A fickle finger grabbed my plate.It was the dentist at bay

I am fifty fifty and fifty next wreak.

They fight like cats and dogs… you must be bloking

I had my Figaro out when the inspector knocked..oh,oh

Filthy and rich… they save on hot water and soap,you see

The judge fined the brandy and then drank it as well

Fine swine? Have they any money?

What fine line of poetry… the boy trod in the burning dreck.You must speak Yiddish as it’s a dying tongue now,alas!

He’s much finer than a blogger can bear to hear

They were firing on all Wallanders..

The first things cursed were ham and bacon.God hates frying pans and washing up greasy stuff

Wish for cultic states? What do I mean?I am more clever than I can blunderstand which makes me stupid,if you catch my lift.

Laughter in the Confessional

Pray,Father,give me a good blessing.It’s ten weeks since my last decision.
What was that,my dear?
To lose my Catholic Faith,Father!
Why are you here in that case?
I can’t manage to lose it!
Well, you are not trying hard enough,my child.
My wife says I’m very trying.
Your wife? I thought you were a woman yourself!
Yes,I’m a lesbian now.
Do you practise it?
I don’t need more training,I’m really good at it all .
That’s a sin for a lesbian…
Thank God.I have a sin to confess…I was lost for words
More than one sin if you are married.
Why, does marriage make one more sinful?
It gives you more temptation
That’s why you get married,so you can be tempted and give in
Catholic lesbians are not allowed to marry
You mean we should be living in sin?
No,you should be chaste
I am often chased by men.Does that count?
You know I don’t mean that… you are teasing me.
Well,I saw you running after me last week
It’s not my fault if you are running in front of me.
I was walking till I saw you coming!
Well,at least I’m normal.
Is it normal for a man of 89 to run after women?
Don’t worry,I haven’t caught one yet.
But it’s the principle of it.Well, anyway,I went to Holland and married a blonde poet.
Are there any left?
Look here,I am the sinner tonight!
So am I.
This is not a competition
Yes,it is!
Oh, no.Please give me absolution now
Right, your penance is to stop hailing Mary and whatever else you do in bed with her.
She’ll be so sad… is that a good idea?
Well,I don’t know.Life is confusing.Giving up one sin causes another one.What am I to say?
I believe if you love anyone properly it is never a sin
Well,that’s worth musing on amidst the News of war and murder.
I stole a lemon pie from a shop.Now that is a real good old fashioned sin.
MMmmmmmm give me half and we’ll say no more.
No more.
No more

I hope you seeped through my lecture

Please avoid thrilling people on the road
Please wave woefully
Please weep to yourself and do not bend
Please do not walk on the toad.
Please do not grow balls here.
Please lie off the band
Please tell the youth always
Please weep quieter.
Please tell the tutor if you feel dumb
Please note the dawn is for Dons only.
Please leap off the chimney breast
Please pass your zest and drive yourself round the clown
Please pay the piano on arrival.
Please plea before coming here.
Please bring your own oily paper.
Please let all bones knit before retrieval
Please keep all secrets in your bed.
No pies enrolled here.

One man went to row

Do you remember that song,One man went to row?
Well,it’s because we are always having rows.
But we are women
Generically, we are all men
Yet genetically we are women
Strange one letter makes all the difference.
Especially if it’s in Greek.Or not.
Plank you so dutch
Won’t tension knit…
I am too tight
Loosen up.Undo your zip and leave that armour off.
I didn’t know there was a zip.
It’s a metaphor.
Who’re you,Mrs Wittgenstein?
Don’t take that tone with me
I am joking.
You could have fooled me.
Wittgenstein didn’t laugh much.

Three of his four brothers committed suicide.
That is not just genetic…
It was their father’s strictness.
Well,I feel sorry for them except if there is a heaven they’ll be there.
And we hope their Dad will not!

No corset

I am afraid there is no corset on my screen
Are you looking at ladies undies?
No,I mean that arrow that moves with the mouse
Don’t tell me mice are armed now!
Well if you were a mouse what would you do?
Propagate.
I am surprised you believe in propaganda.
The thing is,it’s hidden.It looks innocent
Like some women do even after being married 9 times.
Perhaps they are innocent and don’t consummate their marriage?
Why don’t they read The Toys of Sex
Do you mean the Joy of Sex?
Whatever,toy boys,joy,sex and love.
I thought it was your mouse you came about.
Freud might understand
Say whatever comes to mind
Well I have said enough
But who decides?
It’s a feeling,an intuition.
Like love?
That’s deceptive.
We have to decide.
Decide what?
Where that corset has gone
Cursor
I don’t think we need to actually curse her even if she has run away with our corset
My mind reels
Irish or Scottish?

Moses was an eruption

Freud wrote a book called Moses and Monotheism during the transition he was forced to make to the UK from Vienna owing to fear of Nazi arrest and its consequences.His four sisters all died in those Concentration Camps.In this book he apparently suggests that Moses was Egyptian.Edward Said has also written a book about Moses.Some people say he was a ruler in Egypt who had to leave for political reasons….He was obviously very talented.

Moses was an Eruption I hear.So he had to be kept warm in a basket.
Then Foureyes daughter let him gloat down on the River Nile…till a bull rushed him
Then he turned into a shrew and found God.. or God found him
But God would not let him find Galilee so he found Emilee ,Loelee and Phoeebilee linstead.
He had many children such as Matthew,Hark,Look and Gone.They were all men and had more children with no wives.They didn’t have any women so who did Cain and Abel marry?Eve?
Is this what Freud never realized… men used to marry their mothers and later their daughters who were also their sisters,Crikey,what a blunder
Blimey what is this Bible?Libel?
As we were taught in school Daniel lived with a lion and a lamb.I’m unsure if they had children…. it might explain a lot if they did.
And finally Solomon was very wise.It was easier then when there was no judge or jury to stop him cutting a baby in two… well, he was just pretending.
I say,the Shrews were very shrewd and clever.Like who told Adam and Eve what to do before Masters and Johnson wrote that book.. Human Textual Despondency?
In any case ,Adam could not read.In fact, they didn’t write either.And to think children here can write so young.Adam and Eve were a bit lacking but they have lots of family
Everybody on Earth… pity they are dead and can’t see us though Goodness knows they’d be shocked if they saw our behaviour with our family

Sunday supper

Main course

Cheese on post
Beans on coast
Eggs in fright sauce with lice
Battered bacon cutties
Sausage bowls and ballad
Holly berries with nuts and phrasing
Foxglove salad and Lancashire fees
Cheese bones and beetroot
Quiche for Men with double chips
Odd bits of meat minced and fried in dripping on white dead

Dessert

Trifle with men
Rice flooding
Hot dreamy desert
Yoghurt from the beast
Jelly ice scream
Apple part and lusted
Mirthday Quake
.Fat free sponge cake with strawberry and my wife

Sunday dinner

Starter

Mermaid jelly
Mock turtle loop
Avocado paired with mandarin lozenges
Melon with whinger
Grape and melon ballad stung by my wife
Wheeze on toast plus free handkerchief
Sycamore leaf and holly salad.With cherries.

Maimed course

Roast pork with crippled sauce and baked rotaters
Roast man with hint sauce and vegecradles
Roast beef with Yorkshire rubbings and Navy.
Gammon with courage source and boasted vegetables
Vegetarian in cream cheese and Rhine

Padding

Fruit belly and s whipped cream
I scream raspberry flavour
Spotted Dick and bastard
Steamed ram sponge
Sponge fake with cream home made with my wife

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30	31

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: