Category: humor

If you are human like this lady

Islamic-Clothing-for-Womens

This is a telephone answering service.If you are human try meeting face to face.

Honesty can get very wounding so please take care about leaving a message after the tone

Silence and telephones are incompatible.I’m hanging up.

Why are you phoning?I saw you today.Please do not leave a message . I’m feeling moody

I can’t answer right now because I believe there is a demon in the handset.I’m calling the Parish Beast.

I have  given up answering the phone for three months.Write a letter with a pen.I love to see handwriting so I can find out your character using graphology.Annd it gives the postmen work.

I thanked him for being so intensely unkind.

I went to the doctor, he said I’d pre-flu.
I said “My dear doctor, what shall I do?”
Next time I went, he said “It’s pre- shock.”
And then I had pre measles,pre mumps and pre-pox
I ran to the doctor,he said ” You’re pre-well”
I said “Are you sure it’s not just a pre-quel?”
Next time I turned up,he’d gone out for a walk
It’s hard for a doctor who wants to pre-talk.
I went to the optician, who said I’m pre-blind
I thanked him for being so intensely unkind.
I went back to the doctor,and these words I said
“I’m pre -blind, pre-deaf,pre-ill and pre-dead!

Smoke all day and make sure that they’re tipped

Movement helps the mind by sorrow  gripped
New thoughts  help us  leap from out  the rut
Exercise  and kiss your  own red  lips

Smoke all day and make sure  your cigs  are tipped
Drink some whiskey,beer and grow  a gut
Movement helps the mind by sorrow  gripped

Beat your walls and bedclothes with a whip
Move out now and buy  a hermit’s hut
Exercise ,why! Kiss  your lover’s lips

Walk ten miles and  write a thousand quips
Decorate your place with  smokey soot
Movement helps the mind by sorrow  gripped

Go to port and snap the line of ships
Keep your chin up,even make it jut!
Movement helps the mind by sorrow  gripped
Exercise   and kiss    a thousand lips!

The Fake District

If you want to die because you have a severe terminal illness I just though going onto the Quicksands in Morecambe Bay is easier than jumping off a cliff.Plus nobody would see your body.Be kind.Vanish!I used to be terrified of it as a child

Don’t miss:
Coniston old pan
Coniston Owl-Man
Passing Water
Vast Water.
Herd Rot Pass
Herod’s Rut Pass
Fools’ Water
Free Pen with.
Ken Daly
Boats for Rear.
Boots on Fire.
Anorak free zone
Amble Sideways.
Carl Aisle
Glass Mere
White Haven
Sidle  Water
Dare when Water?
Gulls Water.[real]
See Yellow?
No smooching with beer.
Bow Less on Windermere.Thank you
Range over Sands
Quicksand free  over there.Hurry.
Rowless  on  Crimson Lake
Marrow in Furnace.
Sorrow in Earnest
Gullivers Stone.
Feet Path
Sheep track daily.Be alert
Gentle Home.
Convent Harry
Welcome Bay
The Kent Actuary.
Burntside Knot Hair Stylist
Golden Dale
More Came
Cairn Forth
Len Caster.
Bath Right
Ink Umbria
Date Vale Motel and Best Room for Sin

Coping with peeling verse

Metaphor.. my meat and drink.
Although I’m known for quaffing ink.
I need to play with words on line.
But writing proper poems takes time.
And I have no time to waste,
so I write by copy and paste.
A line from Donne a line from Blake,
George Herbert  who-for goodness sake!
A bit of Shakespeare tossed and turned,
My poetry salads don’t yet earn.
Into the breach we’ll go dear friends
The Waste Land never seems to end.
To be or not to BBC ?
Shall we sometimes disagree?
Chaucer I have not yet read.
Is it good when one’s in bed?
Look,stranger,on this island now,
It’s illegal  for you to milk my cow.
And ,also, we do not roast  our geese.
Even when we have a feast.
Turning and turning in the gyre,
I think that church has got two spires.
The lake at Innisfree’s still there.
Is that where the Queen said prayers?
Who’d have thunk that Hughes and Plath
Never signed  their autographs.
I like her poem about a mirror.
Some of them are full of horror.
Lay your sleeping head, my love,
On a brick or turtle dove.
I’m too tired to kiss you now,
I’ll massage your back  and then I’ll bow.
The bed’s too small for all of us
I suggest Someone tries the bath.
If you put a duvet in
I believe  you are your twin
When did Herriot plough the fields?
Was Dover Beach where my skin peeled?
I forgot to put my sunscreen on,
Off they all go one by one.

Try cheese scones and  buttered frogs
My old man’s gone to the Gods.

 Acts of blindness unmind us

The Urn Burns (All Souls Procession)

The Urn Burns (All Souls Procession) (Photo credit: cobalt123)

Soul Music (novel)

Soul Music (novel) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Father Brown stories by G. K. Chesterton, ...

The Father Brown stories by G. K. Chesterton, Penguin Books edition 1981 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You blot bummed bastard.You bit my bat on its blue bed and brought bread with no butter on it.I am bellowing to be sure you cannot bet on my blog being here for you to bait me with your blistering so called “criticisms”.
Get on board or I’ll beach you forever.Why Bless my bowl,it’sFather Brown.
Hello Father,I am blaming this bigot for berating my blog.
Don’t keep bad mouthing these Bible bashers.They have nothing better to woo.
A beautiful young lady would put them in the bin if she had any barbarism left in her.The inner child is now the inner bear… wild,beguiled and blooming like a buttercup
By the way,I can see your butt.Your zip is not buttoned!Shall I pass a bit of glue over?.
I feel so blue I don’t care if my butt shows.But ladies may be embarrassed
so do button me up.It’s bloody kind of you to bother with a bloke like me.
I am on bail you know for omitting acts of blindness,ignoring black  soled neighbors…I refer to their only  souls.I have been gifted to see inside you and I see your soul is in a glass bowl.What if it breaks into shards of glass?
Don’t keep blathering on.I have a bone to pick with the blacksmith…. about his brother.I am bemused
Don’t let me bother you.I am bone idle myself but accept your kisses willy nilly
Billy! Be off,you bloody bonkers bloke.Never look black,back or  better

Related articles

Mary may date online but her shoes are no good

Annie the nubile ex-mistress of Stan   and colour fancying neighbour  of Mary has persuaded Mary that as Stan has run away she should find someone else.Mary is doubtfulIMG_0012First of all,Annie cried,you need some brand  new  delicate shoes.No man will be charmed by those chunky ,comfy flatties.Nor do your socks show sophistication.Though a farmer might be happy with themShe herself wore a pink tweed suit and some high heeled boots in purple patent leather over a blue silk  pair of socks.
Well,Mary,answered,I thought I should be myself because they might be annoyed being tricked.I would be.
That’s their  problem said Annie  somewhat rudely.
Well.where do I get the sort of socks a man would like,if indeed all men are the same in that way?
I’d stick with silky black ones,said Annie kindly.Then some smart black pumps.That simplifies  life.
But if I look at Soul-mates online the men will not know what shoes I have got on nor socks
That’s true,said Annie.At least until you meet one if you ever do.
Anyway if it is called Soul-mates,why does my body matter?
Don’t be so literal,dear.You know it’s just a way of indicating they want a lover.
Well.in that case it’s my lingerie that matters more than my shoes.
See here,said Annie bossily.With those shoes and socks nobody will want to see your lingerie.

LeatherOTKboots179.99

Just as well ,said Mary calmly.I don’t have any.
Are you telling me  you have no  underwear on,Annie cried with shock in her tone.Your trousers will need washing more often!!
I am wearing some woollen vests and underpants I got for Stan,Mary said shyly.I like wool.
What do you think a man will assume if you wear that?
That I can’t afford to have the fire on,Mary  queried timidly.
He might think you are transgender.
I have heard of transcendence but not transgender,Mary admitted ruefully.I did used to have  a purple bra, she continued distractedly.
Anyway, what about my learning and job  as a maths prof?
Don’t put  anything about maths on the form.They hate clever women.
Surely they are not all the same,Mary answered.Mary Archer is very clever and she’s been married 50 years
You can’t generalise from one example ,Annie informed her statistically
How about my love of Wittgenstein?Shall I mention it?
If you wear men’s woollen underwear and love a  dead,gay philosopher it will cut down the pool of men available.
I don’t think I’ll bother,Mary whispered.I don’t like fishing.I’d rather have a cup of tea.
Really.said Annie.I don’t know why you decided to try this.
I never did it was you.I am quite happy as I am given the dangers of this world.
And so say most of us.Amen.

 

In heaven I’ll be whole

The sun is shining brightly
Shall I sit by the pool?
No,I always live my  life by
Rigid personal rules.

Last week’s unruly weather
Let rain fell down in spools
I might have had the heating on;
Oh,those rigid personal rules.

Wear a dress from Mayday
Wear  coats when winter’s cool
Only wash your hair on weekends
That’s a personal rigid rule

But,Ma ,my hair is oily
The girls all point in school.
Don’t be such a  cry baby
Don’t  be such a fool.

Ma,I’ve done my homework
I’m top of all my year!
Can I have an hour alone?
She thwacked me on the ear.

I was her little puppet
And she controlled my strings
Till I caught my Guardian angel
And I stole her sturdy wings.

Well,Ma died  half my life away
But  she is now a ghoul
Watching me so patiently
With her chart of rigid rules.

She didn’t leave me no money
She didn’t leave me no jewels.
She just left me a message
All my rules are  yours.

I cried ,Holy Moses
She is worse than God
She made rules for everything
From  love to  boiling cod.

Don’t bath when you’ve your period
Don’t let your brothers see
You are now a woman
But  you’re still under me

I think I’ll leave those rules behind
And if it makes me fear
God will send a devil round,
I’ll hit  him with this spear.

Flexible  our bodies
Flexible our minds
We must climb the mountain
And leave those rules behind.

Following personal rules
Can make us feel secure
But  our vocation calls to us
And cares not if we’re   pure.

Steal  and purloin all you need
From books and people too.
Follow your own calling
While you share our human zoo.

And share your learning freely
Give as well as take
Oh,my Lord ,I see some men
Carrying a stake.

They are going to burn my body
But they can’t touch my  soul
Wrap me well in flax,  my dear.
In heaven ,I’ll be whole

Where nude police with guns strut stiffly by.

He says we’re going to bed this afternoon
As melancholy  clouds  droop from the sky
I like the sun to  fry, to heat my womb

I like the flowers each with its  dull dead blooms
On burning   grass with him, I sinned to  fly.
He says we’re getting bail this afternoon

If there is no sun, there is no  moon.
If  we cannot stalk, then we can lie.
I out my sins  to  thrive, to bring  down Rome

I    scorn the  beach, where Europe showed it’s ruined
Nude starched police with guns strut  stiffly by.
He says we’ll have  the climax   S & hemmed,

I sing in tunes invented by my clones
I would be dumb  yet how the grey ghosts sigh
I  hear the sunbeams screaming in the Zone

 

If  it’s   very hot I have  clothes my own
Burkinis  are  the   big hits of today
They says we’re going to Jail this afternoon
I  hope that God will speak  and  throw us down

Hermaphrodites can do it all and tweet!

 

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Every cloud its silver lining has
Get your sheets white using mega Daz
Finders may be keepers in some hands
I keep my hair on with elastic bands.

Whiskas cat food’s  quite enough for me
The cat eats  all my dinner  in the tree
Remember  not to roll on mossy banks
Rolling stones may tumble on your flanks

I had a bird in my hands just the once
My parents looked at this and ,cripes, they winced
They made my punishment fit my so called crime
So now I live free doing my own Time   [jail in UK]

Too many cooks can spoil my broth today
For soup’s unsuitable in summer gay.
I’m marrying a   clever maid who’s also sweet
Hermaphrodites can do it all and tweet!

You may be cutie pie and like free love
But I prefer an eagle to a   dove
Yet love  needs payment , even  round the bend
In the end  lies the beginning  of the penned

How to make your poetry worse.Part 1

Write in form but make sure the lines don’t scan
Iambic pentameter

I love my love with all my human heart
I    bake Dan apple tart
I love his wicked  face and legs
I love to cook him  loads of scrambled eggs

Use cliches as often as possible

CLICHED POP UP

Every cloud its silver lining has
Get your sheets white using mega Daz
Finders may be keepers in some lands
I keep my hair on with elastic bands.

 

Whiskas cat food’s  quite enough for me
The cat eats  all my dinner , while I wee
Remember  not to roll on mossy banks
As rolling stones may gather on your flanks

I had a bird in my hands just the once
My parents looked at this and made me wince
They made my punishment fit my so called crime
So now I live free doing my own Time   [jail in UK]

Too many cooks can spoil my broth today
For soup’s unsuitable in summer gay.
I’m marrying a   clever maid who’s also sweet
Hermaphrodites can do it all and tweet

You may be cutie pie and like free love
But I prefer an owl to a  soft dove
Yet love  needs payment , even in the  end
In the end is the beginning  of the penned

 

Careers:It’s all Greek to me

IMG_0035.JPGPhotographer
Dactylographer
Radiographer
Geographer
Biographer
Cryptographer.
Mythographer
Knitographer
Petrographer.
Thirdographer.
Cartographer
Choreographer
Borrowographer

 

Dinner tonight

photo05791

Starters

Marmite jelly
Melon and nape salad
Avocado pair  in  shoot
Carrot and Roisin salad
Jew’s carp in olive oil and lemon dressing

Main

Farmer’s liver and peasants’  unions fried in dripping
Grief stew with Jersey rotators
Lamb crops with mushed rooms and potato flakes
Lasagne and chips with Efra’s  genes.
Vegetarian salted  and  foiled with butter with bacon
Nut and spider loaf with  green ballad
Chef’s hat stuffed with nuts and raisins in whiskey

Dessert

Cat mousse with whipped scream.
Lemon rice with bastard
Apple tart and gay harlot.
Volvo tyre in cream sauce
Chocolate iced cake  fried in  rum batter
Fresh fruit in belly with half cream ice to follow

She loved her adverb more than me

P1000324

My wife has left me for an adverb.
I don’t know which one it is!
Is it slowly,quickly, nearly?
Life should not be like a quiz.

She told me that she “nearly” loved me,
When “dearly” was what I had hoped.
Life is full of lost illusions…
How do deserted people cope?

I think I should have kept it secret,
For now I sit and sadly grieve.
Do you think my wife is cruel?
What a strange excuse to leave!

Would she leave me for a pronoun?
Would she leave for a full stop?
Would I leave you for a quote mark?
Would I fall into a dot?

Come back,darling for I love you.
I have learned I must take care.
I will go for grammar lessons.
I am sure I can learn flair!

We can write a poem together,
You can choose the topic,dear.
I will hold my pen and write for
They say true love drives out fear.

Did I fear her? Did I love her?
Was she worthy of my heart?
Did she dislike my hairy nostrils?
Was that why we had to part?

Come back Mary,come back Mavis.
Come back Sunny, come back Sue
Without my wife I feel quite lonely.
What is a poor man to do?

I admit I was unfaithful.
God made men to procreate.
Yet I loved my wife the best…
And how I loved her homemade cake

We dare

George Boole's House and School, Lincoln, UK
George Boole’s House and School, Lincoln, UK (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Loose in the fields of green…
Oh, my own lover!
He was such a bold flirt;
with his love unclaimed,
he could recite George Boole
he was one of the old Cool.
He never reached his goal.
so with my bling and some flair
I hoped he’d open the enchanted bud
To the music of his lyre.
I’ll pray this for him:
that he should find what he wreaks
and write it down with a stylus.
Really he is the allurement of angels
He was my epiphany
Make it up, as the clocks clang..
It’s not really you…it’s just an affliction.
I can do nothing for my calves
It’s because of all the punning I did once.
I can’t even lump a stone over a wall now.
My arms are as weak as Trojans.
I never suffer viruses to be declassified.
Like I said,just wink and say a prayer..
In God we dare.

Par 4 The Coarse

6429586_72f5d1321d_m

Miss Anne  Thrope -Argentina
D.Luded       -England
D.Mented.- Ireland
Wyse Beyond-Words. -France
Miss Cal Culated      -Hong Kong
Mel Anne Colly- USA
Deep Li De-Pressed.-China
Parr-Annoyed [Mrs]- England
P.Annic Attack – Washington
B.Adman- USA
Iam Sictodeath- UK
Diss Ordered-Mined -UK
Piece O’Mined. -Eire
Can-Ned Slurp.-UK

That immigrant from Argentina

I shall be praying on my piano  all day then preying on you
Prelude to  her fugue
Feeble concerto for viola with extra large stark gestures
The New World’s emmpathy.
60  beckons by Ian Gage
Folk songs wrung nightly
Old Saxon songs set for spinster with  Jew’s harp ,complete with original  blue number tattoo as  worn in Da Cow.Few  remains
Burning our hiking  boots, acconpanied by rockets and kettle drums
Don’t dig for me,Sergeant  Tina, sung by Aldous Huxley
All Mozart’s Twinsets.
Recollections and prayers led by The Immigrant from Argentina

 

I’m not going outside to play.

Kerfuffle,kerfuffle,I feel very ruffled
The dog’s in the manger today
Kerfuffle,my duffel,my thoughts are  still muffled
I don’t know what I  ought to say.

Carfuffle is Scots and  it stifles my hots
The dog has gone out for its pay
My man bought a gun and I heard a loud shot
I ‘m not going outside to play.

Commotion,demotion I hate all  emotion
I’m as cold as an iceberg  depraved.
My man is a liar,the church lost its spire
Now we must have  false delays/

What a word is  to me, it may not  be to thee.
That’s all I wanted to say.
I’ll go to the city and find what I see
Then somebody else must  make pay

A tax on sin or on grammar

I started writing “conversations” and similar writing  a few years ago.Sometimes a word keeps coming into my mind,like “syntax” which rhymes with sin tax”I usually make them humorous.But I never know what I am going to come up with.Sometimes I use “play on words”,sometimes I use an approach based on my emotions or feelings about past experience such as a 7 year old child being prepared for their first Confession…. something which can be agony for the sensitive.Another use could be to discuss something painful with yourself…Humour is the way I tend to travel.Try it.Take a walk with yourself.And enjoy it for me…I am listening to you.

Shoes
Shoes

She said she never knew what syntax was until she met me.

Well,you do look worn out by your sins.
How do you know they were sins?
Well,you went to Confession twice a week all your life
That was my scruples.Sometimes I went twice a day…
It sounds like having an upset stomach.
In my case it was an upset soul.The soul emptied out and hung out on the Maginot line
Eventually I realized virtue is not attainable by Will Power alone
How is it attained… won’t power?
I knew you’d say that!
That!
Anyway to get back to syntax,it’s about structure.
Like council tax?
Words fail me
That’s good.I meant tax on a building
You seem very rude today
It’s not just today,I’m like this all the time.
I never noticed before
You only met me tonight
That’s almost true..now syntax is a very important topic.
Are we on a date or are you giving grammar lessons free?
No,I have Wasperger’s Syndrome.It’s as if I have Asperger’s but I sting too.
When do you sting
When people say sharp things to me.
Go on,you’re just needling me..
Truly I think you’ll love syntax and spelling rude words.
Well,we’ve had santax for years.Women pay VAT of 20 per cent on Tampax
It’s enough to make me throw up
No,throw out!Throw out the Coalition Government
Do you think Labour will remove Santax?
I don’t know but at least you’ll learn how to do percentages with them
I will?
Thank you so much.I am delighted to hear that.We are engaged.Here is a ring.
That’s beautiful.Was it your mother’s?
It still is my mother’s.
How can I wear it when she might see it?
I’ll tell her I liked hers so much I got one the same.She’s got poor vision so don’t worry.After the Wedding I’ll give it back
How mean.
I never knew you liked statistics.What about deviance?
Well,some I like,some I don’t… you catch my drift?
Well,babe,I’ll explain everything when we lie together.
That makes us sound like the government.
How come?
They all lie together.
Do they really.That explains a lot.Do they come together often?
I guess they have a rota.
You can’t come by will power.
That’s good.I want to come in a a horse and carriage.
It might frighten the horses.
I mean to our Wedding ceremony
Do you want four horses?
I am not that heavy!
No,I want you to have it all.
Suppose it’s not enough.
We’ll have to play it by ear..
Is that the organ?
Well,it’s a kind of organ.
A harmonium?
Maybe..I’ll ask the priest.
Does he play?
No,he just hears confessions and says Mass.
It’s a pity confession secret.He could write a long novel.
I daresay some have…. with pseudonyms.
I use a wordprocessor… should I get a pseudonym too?
You are crazy but I love you with all my heart.
And is it big?
Big enough for two.
Thank you,God.

 

For sale

 

Nuneham_2016-4 [800x600]

1.Archimedes’ bath with hot and cold running water.
2.Eureka’s dressing gown size 118
3. A catapult plus free Brighton rock
4.15,000 English novels most by Nicholas Freeling and  other expatriates
5.Plato’s cave with aluminium age  drawings on the walls.
6.A cloud with golden lining
7.Rotating shoes will turn you towards the sun all day
8.!12 bottles of sunscreen  and a large black hat suitable for Hasidic Jew or English woman or Russian wolf.
9.Sheepskin rug covered in dried muesli free to  first arrival.
10.Ventriloquist’s mummy  in working order despite 40 years in a very small desert.

How to annoy people

photo1137 hhhhyy

 

1.Never offer visitors a cup of tea or any other drink
2.Never look at people while you are listening to them
3.Always ask them why they go to the library  so often especially if their partner is present
4.Always ask why they don’t carry a camera all the time like you do
5.Always ask why they  do or don’t  have an i phone.
6.Always  ask if they use  he well known  cookery book  “Left over for tomorrow” by Marika Hanbury Tenison.
7.Take them to Mc Donalds for their dinner.
8.Wash up in between courses while entertaining.Sing as well.Feed the cat and go to the loo before offering pudding.Use the coffee set your in laws gave you.
9.At 9 pm go to bed.Ask them to shut the door when they leave then get up and write your first novel.Then go to bed again.
10.Take a lumia selfie and make it into a poster and ask all your friends  what they think.

Don’t detention smut

Yoo No,a clot of filk here dislake the MsLim women wearing a veil over  there fices..But luuk at it thas woy.. will they get skin cancer?  Will they get a melanoma?Don’t  detention thet to mee…boy,have I wuffered!
Do they wurry about bed hur days?Does chemotheropy  make other English fowk even sodder as we cen all cee they are bald? Why,my nayboor was stared at.
You sea,it’s quote sansible, reelly… trust  schemes a bit eerie tolking to someone who’s  tooth is hidden.,Still it waves on lipstacks and lip glossies and other expansive items of make it all up.
So look out for my new Elfie…after I go  somewear were they sell these torments for women.
I just wish other  English women wore a dense veil over their orifices.

Wisdom

  • Chiffchaff_1A bird that you set free may be caught again, but a word that escapes your lips will not return.
  • A mother understands what a child does not say.
  • A pessimist, confronted with two bad choices, chooses both.
  • As he thinks in his heart, so he is.
  • As you teach, you learn.
  • Do not be wise in words – be wise in deeds.
  • Don’t be sweet, lest you be eaten up; don’t be bitter, lest you be spewed out.
  • Don’t look for more honour than your learning merits.
  • First mend yourself, and then mend others.
  • He that can’t endure the bad, will not live to see the good.
  • If charity cost nothing, the world would be full of philanthropists.
  • If not for fear, sin would be sweet.
  • Make sure to be in with your equals if you’re going to fall out with your superiors.
  • Not to have felt pain is not to have been human.
  • What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t invent with your mouth.

Read more at http://quotes.yourdictionary.com/articles/funny-jewish-sayings.html#VJ6PygiAu8ZJeKoL.99

A state which cuts off love and grace.

A hermit fell in love with my face
Can a problem  like this be embraced?
He looked at  my eyes
Till he was advised
Staring too much causes rage.

The real problem is hermits need space
They prefer distance to an embrace.
So they live in a dream
A  fantasised   scene.
A state which cuts off  love and grace.

Like an animal  once subject to abuse
They wander on the edge as they muse
We must look at them slantwise
Not argue when they fantasise
Run away when they blow their own fuse.

 

Blessed are the pacemakers

Blessed are the pacemakers
Confessed are the race haters
Brevity is the sole  remit
Levity is the soul of wit
Business before Heather
Quizz-less made more bother
Caesar’s life must be above  derision
Tease her wife .Most see above division
Carped and died ’em
Parked and fried them
Pluck the clay
Good luck can pay
Freeze the day
Cheese says,nay
Charity ruined in Rome
Hilarity tunes the phone
Cheats never  crossed here
Seats forever tossed near
Children should be seen and not  stirred
Children on the scene  cannot purr
Cold hands, warm start
Gold bands form  heart
Companions were melodious
Comparisons with phobias
Discount  on your blessings?
Miscounted on the dressings
Crime doesn’t  play
Sublime but cannot play
Cut your coat to suit your wrath
Put your coat on ,boots on top,
Dead men tell no whales
Fled men gelled her sales
Devil takes the hinds purse
Discretion is the wetter part of malheur

Her wits have been tried and found haunting.

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Photo by Mike Flemming

I like reading on a cylinder…she prefers a kindle.It takes all ports!

I like to do the worst things first.

He let a wish out for a saunter round his mind then he submitted to temptation

I’m as with it as  a diamond ringing

Are you fit enough to be hung out to dry and maligned?

Her wits have been tried and found haunting.

She fits me like a love.

He fits like a brand from heaven above.

Is he as flash as a cat with a golden fleece?

I have only flashed a pan… it was a humane error.

My belly is as flat as a rugby players knee.

I wish I were reciting  a Xmas cracker.

She’s very sweet footed..always an asset in this day of ragen

I only wanted to be flung onto the bed not out of your window..I’m not into SM and never will be.

His hip hops and his mind flops.

I’d like to whip you some cream,kid.

Can you spell the word ,Hoarse? Oh,of course,what’s it’s source?

Have you no ad voice?

My humor is ill today.

Washing the sheets

Bands of rhyme will be crossing the UK tomorrow.. streams of poetry will bring rain in the eyes.
Season’s Tweetings to Sinners
Shadow of the whole silence is folding over like an envelope.Post it now
The spice of wife..pepper.
Hop around the roses
It’s best to saunter nowadays.~
When inside out, a cat can still scratch.. with its reversible cat-claws.Try one tonight.Just unzip the cat and it will spring into the heir…to the throne or is it the air all round
Until the end of all rhymes I’ll be loving you
Time feels all wounds…and holes
Maps of the iceberg have melted..
Two hearts that beat as none ever did.
I wait for the lime to be ripe then it will be a lemon.
If you have a man,wash him weekly in a tin bath…don’t blame me if you get drawn in…..mate in the bath … saves washing the sheets.

Ghosts and a little thought

I once had an email from a ghost.
I was eating a piece of white toast.
The message was clear.
It said,”I ‘m not
So I replied, “No need to boast.”

I had an email last night from the Pope
He said will you help me to cope?
I’m an immigrant, you see.
And no-one wants me
Don’t cry for Argentina,just mope.

If you look at books on writing they tell you to read. as much as you canAnd clearly we need to observe people and their behaviour and the world beyond us.Why?

Well when I wrote that last line obviously it’s because I have heard the song
Don’t cry for me Argentina.
So if you want to give out you have to take in.That’s what I think
And if you read poetry you will see how different people living at the same time will write totally different types of poetry.And it may help  you to find what style appeals to you
Technique is important but  emotion and feeling matters too.What affects us?What distresses us?What do we feel about the current political climate

Look before you weep

Brittle wings tease subtle angels

Give in turn

Look before you weep

Love of honey is the  fruit of swarms

Love is undefined

Love makes my  life swirl  around

Love thy neighbour as herself

Love will find a play

Fake love  makes war

Man does not live by bread and bones

Many a true word is spoken  by pests

Many are called but few are rising

Many hands make lights work

Marriages are made in Devon [ or  maybe Cornwall]

Marry  chaste, repent with pleasure

Might is trite

Misery loves to dump on you

Moderation in all  flings

Money doesn’t flow  with ease

Money isn’t ever bling

Money makes the world unsound

Money balks

More beer, less cocaine

Music has charms to soothe the ravaged beast

Nature adores a vacuum

Necessity is the mother of intention

Needs must when the devil arrives

Ne’er cast a clout till May is about

Never go to bed on an argument unless it has springs

Never judge a book by its lover

Never book a gift horse  with the truth

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today

Never speak   if unwell or  dead

Never sell whales out of school

Nine tailors take a scan

No man can serve two mistresses,a wife and a concubine

No woman is an island

The  news is wood mews

No one can make you other

No pain, no explain

No pests in the knickers

Nothing flew under the sun

Nothing is certain but death and waxes

Nothing succeeds like access

Oil and water don’t  make pics

Once a  brief, always a brief

Once bitten, twice awry

One good burn deserves  some butter

One half of the world is unbalanced

Emile, the cat, writes in his diary


I had  a full day watching Stan hoover the bedroom. and re-hang the curtainsHe found 5 pence on the rug.
That makes 60 pence this week.He swore when he saw the duvet had slipped to one side of the bed.I jumped up and stood on it while he pulled it back into place;a bit of fun.I can’t help him much but I hope being watched pleases him.
He tried on Mary’s dressing gown and looked in the mirror.Then he swore again.I think her likes her clothes but that was not a nice sight.
She was out giving another lecture and running a seminar
on something called “Rings and Groups.” It sounds like a dance or a sacred rite.I’d love to go in her wicker basket to the University and listen to a lecture.I believe she’s very popular and is always pleased to prove that “e” is not an algebraic number.
Well,it’s obvious………even a cat knows it’s a letter!
Does she think it’s another more advanced kind of number? Beats me.
What with that and all the times she brings in pies…she has me wondering what mathematics is now.Why does it frighten people?
Cats like me love a nice meat pie and will run in rings or circles
mewing “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” for hours if we get some Earl Grey tea .
We are not into groups though except maybe groups of mice.
Now where’s my milk?I’m worn out writing my blog.
Still,I hope you know what “e” and “pie” are now!
Mioaw.Next week:Imaginary numbers is her theme but  how will I know what she’s planning  to imagine?Can you plan to imagine?

Home’s our test

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Don’t unset the  settling heart

Don’t cosh your dirty sinners in public

Doubt is the beginning not the   mending  of wisdom

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man stealthy not nice

Beasts can feast, but breast is best

East, west, home’s   our test

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow  they spy

Empty vessels make the most poised

Enough is as good as a breast

Even a worm will  learn  some  geometry

Every   crowd has  some madmen fighting

Every frog wants to be gay

Every skittle  likes to boil.Every kettle wants to fall