I have lost the charger for my laptop.I have another one but the head is larger.Should I bore a bigger hole into the side of my laptop?What with?

Why are all the chargers different sizes?

Some  software I downloaded won’t let me type cr*p.That’s why I can’t post much
I feel p*ssed off.Still it doesn’t know what feck means in Irish!

My boyfriend stole my other laptop and sold it to buy food.Is this a sin?He did share the food but why won’t he get a job and earn a wage?He is 98 but if he really tried he could find some kind of work like feeding ducks or taming wild cats.

Can I download the Internet  onto an external  hard drive and then hide it to stop Trump Tweeting?Where is it and why?

They have a colour bar in  our Church.You have to be green  before you can go to Confession on Saturday  night.Otherwise it’s  £50
Men are treated unfairly now.They have to break their own wind!
Women are treated very kindly nowadays.They can turn themselves on with a vibrator to make the bed warm in winter.Alternatively try wearing a nightdress and a  wig in case Leonard Cohen calls on you.If he sings,Ain’t no cure for love,invite him to join you and do your best.After all, he is dead now.
If you feel blue don’t worry.I like to feel blue too.But I  am not dead yet.
And don’t sing in your sleep .I did in 2010 and see what has happened to me.I have this blog!

Mary was sitting in the window  waiting for Amazon to deliver some cushion covers. Then she saw a van outside and a handsome young man  walked up the path to her green door

When Mary saw the cushion covers she was very pleased because the pink ones were in fact coral and she prefered coral to pink or red
She was using some memory foam to make her chair more comfortable but as it had no cover over it it would  to get very dirty ,not to mention it would look horrible. By mistake she had also ordered to Golden  cushion covers but they will come in useful no doubt in the bedroom as a  touch of gold is very romantic and elegant
Emile  her little cat had jumped inside the cardboard box and he was chasing his tail as cats like to do. If Mary had a  Tale it would not fit inside a cardboard box but only in a computer.
After putting the coral covered cushion onto her  chair  she lay back comfortably whilst admiring Leonard Cohen’s hawk like nose as he sang Closing Time on YouTube.
What a pity that I never met a man with a hawk like nose ,she thought.
There is something about a hawk like those that is very charming and at the same time gives a hint of  attractive danger.
Should a woman who wanted  a hint of danger ever get involved with a man like that? For wonderful as Mr Cohen was,  his love life did seem to be quite painful. Is it better to be so handsome and winning and have lots of girls chasing you or are you better off just being ordinary and winning the love of one good woman/man who will stay with you forever.?
As Mary was not a man she was unable to answer the question. but Leonard Cohen was only human and even if  he did have a lot of girlfriends  breaking up is very painful to do
I think that if you are a poet or an artist you need a lot of time alone and such a man would not want to waste  time driving you to Tesco’s and spending two hours trying to decide what kind of soup to buy. nor would he be interested it in the kind of cushion covers that you wanted or whether you should use a souffle dish for the Sunday roast. Of course he was Jewish so it would have been the Sabbath meal that was important that I do not think that roast beef and Yorkshire puddings are what most Jewish people eat on the Sabbath I may be wrong.
Mary sat staring that Leonard Cohen for ages.I wonder if he died because of Donald Trump being on the television so much in the pre-election time .He would probably collapse  if he saw what Donald Trump has done so far. It is completely  unimaginable  to people like Mary and  her friends that a  democratic country could elects such a man
 In came Annie wearing a red and yellow striped coat.
Good gracious cried Mary where did you get that from?
It was hanging on a hook in the hall ,Annie  replied sarcastically.
Did you mean where did I buy it from?
Yes,I did of course, any idiot would know said Mary rudely
~Well I bought it in the market. it was only £15.99 and it says made in North Korea.
I didn’t know we were trading with North Korea said Mary nervously
Well,you know now, replied Annie kindly
I suppose in this post Brexit era we will have to trade with whoever we can  find,Mary whisprered
I guess that principles are all very well but when it comes down to  recession and starvation that we will simply trade with anybody at all in the world even Mr Putin the Russian leader.
We’ve been trading with Russia for a long time  responded Annie. I think we get our gas from Russia.
Don’t you think  for us it’s foolish to become  dependent on getting  something so important from a country far away and were you not better off with coal fires with coal from our own Mines. here in Britain
It’s nice to have central heating but  if it means depending on the  the Russians or on countries in the Far East then we are playing  with hot coals.;to think  every time I make a cup of tea  the kettle is using gas from Russia why my ancestors would never believe that and they would have thought it was extremely stupid,I believe
It’s better to go into the woods and pick up some old pieces of wood or you could take  an old piece of furniture outside into the backyard and chop it up and use that to light the fire;you could burn rubbish on it as well .My mother used to like throwing  empty sugar bags on as the little bits of sugar remaining would cause the wood to  catch fire more rapidly then she would put some coal over the top and had a fire without spending very much money nor depending on places where we have no control over their politics and economics.
I wonder if Russia is taking anything from us?
God Only Knows let’s have a race .Shall we ring 999 twice and see which ambulance gets here first.?
I hope it will be Dave because he makes a very nice cup of tea and I have got some Yorkshire tea bags in the kitchen which would  make a   change ; I have also got some tea bread from Marks and Spencer’s
The doorbell rang it was a young man from down the street.
Hello  he said my name is Tom; my cat has just had kittens and I wondering whether you would like one of them when they’re old enough to leave their mother?
I don’t think so, said Mary. one cat is enough for me.  Emile Is a tom cat and he might get very jealous if I got another male cat and if I got a female cat he might want to have children.
What is wrong with that said Tom. after all that’s the way God made them
God made  deserts but it doesn’t mean that everybody’s got to live in them.
And so say all of us.

Moses was an Eruption I hear.So he had to be kept warm in a basket.
Then Foureyes daughter let him gloat  down on the  River Nile…till a bull rushed him
He  was turned into a shrew and found God.. or God found him
But God would not let him find Galilee so he found Emilee ,Loelee and Phoeebilee instead.
He had many children such as Matthew,Hark,Look and Gone.They were all men and had more children with no wives. Adam did have Eve but  who did Cain and Abel marry? Eve?
Is this what Freud never realized… men used to marry their mothers and later their daughters who were also their sisters,Crikey,what a blunder
Blimey what is this Bible? Libel?
As we were taught in school Daniel lived with a lion and a lamb.I’m unsure if they had children…. it might explain a lot if they did.
And finally Solomon was very wise.It was easier then when there was no judge or jury to stop him cutting a baby in two… well, he was just pretending.
I say,the Shrews were very shrewd and clever.Like who told Adam and Eve what to do before Masters and Johnson wrote that book,Human Textual Despondency?
In any case Adam could not read.In fact they didn’t write either.And to think children here can write so young.Adam and Eve were a bit lacking but they have lots of family
Everybody on Earth… pity they are dead and can’t see us though God knows they’d be shocked if they saw our behaviour to our family

er mot

Mary has a dear friend who lives,alas , nowadays in northern Scotland. Clare moved back there when her mother became unable to manage at home. Then Clare developed very severe problems with her feet and legs and had been offered psychotherapy by the pain clinic.

After Mary had  been talking to Clare on the phone she thought to herself,
I wonder if I should speak to a therapist because I am still grieving for Stan and it’s possible therapy might be able to tell me whether what I’m feeling is normal or whether I am going round the bend.Mary found several counsellors near where she lived by looking on the Internet; she had interviewed five and decided on one called Margaret  Slipknot, Dr Slipknot had a room in a private hospital in the best road of the entire City.

Good morning, please take a seat over here, Margaret said to Mary.
Now you can tell me anything you like; it is completely confidential except that if you tell me you are going to kill somebody or commit suicide, I am obliged to tell your doctor or the police. Is that alright with you?

 Oh yes said Mary that seems very sensible because I understand the motivation behind it all knowing several widows ;they have mentioned that they didn’t want to go on living alone.But I did not tell their doctor or the police because sometimes everybody feels like that and once they realise it they are quite happy, in a sense.They can accept it.

I have got a very good friend next door call Anny and I know many colleagues at the university but since my husband died I feel as if there is a void at the centre of my being and whatever I do will not fill it.

 Margaret. said, Perhaps this void has a role to play in your life.
What kind of role could a void have?.Mary gasped
Just say whatever comes to your mind.
A void is not something that people talk about very much and I’m not sure if it’s just the right word to describe  what  I am  sensingb ut it is more than just a little emptiness. Stan used to make my dinner every night when I came home from the University and he also used to feed the cat and put the rubbish out not to mention listening to my thoughts about what happened to me while I was at work ,  and all the people that I have met. So when I come home now feeling weary and tired I have to make my own dinner.
And do you make you dinner?
Not always. you see when Stan was alive I had a certain motivation to be a good and loving wife. I used to do a lot of planning to make sure that, even though he was going to do the cooking, that there were all the required ingredients in the cupboard plus also spices and herbs and garlic. I realise now that I have not bought any garlic for the past year.

People don’t usually come to see me just because they have not bought any garlic lately.

When Mary heard the word lately she began to cry because late is a word used to denote people who are dead like the late Prime Minister, Winston Churchill.

I see that you are still feeling sad and there’s nothing wrong with that but I am a little concerned about how you will cope with all your new responsibilities as well as continuing your work and life with students, Which all the things you mentioned about your husband do you miss the most?

I think the thing I’m missing him most for is putting out the rubbish. He always insisted on doing this even when he was very ill and I find it hard to remember to do it when I never did it before.It seems to me that a woman needs a man to put out the wheelie bins out and collect big cardboard boxes which need crushing.I feel bad putting the wheelies out by myself in the dark.
That doesn’t seem very nice, Margaret cried , that you only miss your husband because you have to put out the rubbish now yourself. I know that I’m not meant to give you advice.I want to listen to you but I cannot really believe that the main thing that you miss him for is this.
Well said Mary, don’t push me; this is the first session we’ve had and I am still testing the water.
In other words don’t you realise that I’m not going to tell you the most sacred aspects of my being until I feel like I can trust you I’m not implying that you are and irresponsible,  foolish person, but don’t you think after working for 20 years as a psychotherapist that you should know that even in normal life we don’t tell someone we’ve never met before the very intimate and secret aspects of our being. There are some people who do this  t but hen they are not taking into account the person who they are speaking to, who they have never met before.Except people do it on trains.

I see, said Margaret. I will wait until you feel able to tell me what you miss the most. I don’t suppose it’s sex because you are much too old for that, although that is one way that some people fill in a void.

Do you think that women feel that their womb is an empty space inside them and wish to put something into it, asked Mary

Everybody’s different; now even  if you have sex it won’t fill your womb now as already mentioned I think you are too old to have sex.
Mary felt very angry,
How dare you say I am too old to have sex. Stan used to teach classes of pensioners about statistics and other topics and he told me that many of them said that they were still involved in a sexual relationship.Now we don’t know how far they would go  in that way.I thought that therapists were not meant to make judgements about what their clients say to them.Are you really a trained psychotherapist? You must be earning a lot of money to rent this room in a private hospital and as far as I can see you do not seem to have any common sense, let alone uncommon sense.
Margaret’s face went bright red,
I am sorry she cried, I was a little bit nervous when you told me that you were a mathematician And it threw me off my stride because I thought that you might be more intelligent than I am.
Intelligence by itself is not good  enough;it can be used to make nuclear bombs; to start Wars ;to gather information about your enemies what you really need  is  time and care and the ability to listen without criticism or judgement for the person who is with you ;you must have met some other people who were quite intelligent .It seems to me that you need more Training so that you are able to deal with your issues of fear of the highly intelligent person. You don’t need to have a fear of them and we are just the same as other people except that for some reason we preferred the geometry of the spheres to dating boys when we were 16.

In my case, it was after I had an operation to remove my appendix and was convalescing for several weeks. I came across a book called “Mathematician’s delight” by W.W.Sawyer And I read it about imaginary numbers and complex numbers so then I realised that mathematics was not just arithmetic and quadratic equations.I don’t know whether I will come to see you anymore. What you said has taken away my faith in my judgement of people. You seemed the best therapist that I interviewed but now we’re started I think I might have made a mistake.
Please don’t stop, said Margaret, I need the money.
So you think that I should continue seeing you here when you already proved yourself inadequate, merely to give you money. I am afraid I am not rich enough  to see you if I will have to see somebody else as well, as you are no good
I’ll tell you what said Margaret, let me give you another session completely free and see how we get on then .If you are still unhappy with me then, of course, you must find a different person. I realise my training was incomplete because we are all graduates or doctors and then we do five years training so we believe we are superior to most of the people who come for treatment but when I speak to my supervisor I will tell her that I think we all need to look at this question of superiority because neither you nor I  is actually morally or ethically superior to everybody else ;it can sometimes appear that we can see somebody is very inferior morally like  Hitler or Pol Pot
I’ll give you a call , Mary said when I have made my mind up; it is very kind of you to offer me a free session when you are so short of money. iI I were your  therapist, I would tell you that you were short of money because you are not very good at your job and therefore you will not have enough patients to make a living .On the other hand, it may be that you need to take an extra job . stacking the shelves in the supermarket to give you enough money to live on without exploiting human beings like myself. However, I am glad that I realised that I feel this  void inside me because I now realise that I felt it long before my husband died and it must be linked to something else in my life, not just to him

Alright, said Margaret thank you very much for being so honest I hope you will come again.If  not, I wish you good luck in finding someone who can travel with you on your journey into your new life.Thank you, said Mary. I will phone you soon, goodbye .
When she got home she told Emile.He said he wished he had gone with her to see how beautiful Margaret was.
That is very selfish, Emile.You need to hear what she says!

Mary was going out for a meal with some former colleagues who had taught under functioning analysis and triquacking theory.She stood in her bedroom, surrounded by piles of clothes, wondering how hot the restaurant might be and how cold and frosty the air in the road by the bus stop.
I think I’ll phone Pete she told herself.
Pete answered on the first ring.After so many years, she still recognised his semi- South African accent and pleasing voice
Hello,it’s Mary Dirac-Brown hers, she said shyly.
Hello Mary Dirac-Brown, he responded instantly
Why, he sounds like the Amazon website, she thought to herself.That figures!
Hello Pete, I was wondering if you could give me a lift to the restaurant tonight
You don’t need a lift, it’s on the ground floor, he informed her quietly and sensitively
I mean in your car.I can’t drive now.
Why not?
Actually, I never took the Test because I always drove very fast
Why didn’t you use the brakes? he teased her.I reckon you might have passed.
I stopped the car and vowed never to drive again but now it is a problem with Stan  dead etc
Well, what time do you suggest? Shall I come earlier?
Why does he say that ,she pondered
No, it will take ages to put  all my clothes away.I can’t make up my mind what to wear.
Why not just copy Hilary Clinton?
I must not buy any more clothes.Shall I dress smartly? Or smart casual or unsmart?
I know, said Pete.Shut your eyes and pick up 3 things off the bed and then wear those.
Mary closed her eyes.When she opened them she had a pair of Arran legwarmers, a green silk shirt and a black pleated silk skirt.
I suppose if I wear my new long camel coat, the leg warmers will be hidden, she whispered.She took a bottle of dandruff shampoo and washed her light gold locks and then waxed her bikini line by mistake.
My goodness,  why and how did I ever think of doing that, she pondered ruefully?And in the winter who wears a bikini?
Dressed in her pure silk outfit, the legwarmers hidden under thigh high red leather boots, she created a buzz in the restaurant as she climbed in through the window followed by Pete in his yellow wool suit and green tie.
Why did you come in via the window, asked Tom McDonne, the former head of  her maths department.
We didn’t see any doors, she cried gaily.And Mossad wants more women agents so I thought MI5 might like to see me.
Who is this Mossad, Tom asked?
It’s the Israeli intelligence service.You must have heard of them.
But they don’t want old people! Tom told her ignorantly
That’s why we came through the window, so if any spies are here they will see how agile I am still.And I still know what uncountable infinity is.Aleph, aleph.
Tom led them to a  long table.
Wow, it’s a log table Mary screamed.I’ve not seen one for years.
Well, with computers and such like we don’t really need them anymore, Tom revealed.
Are they real logs, she queried.
No, they are vinyl, the waiter admitted furtively.Easier to wash
Mother never washed my log tables, Mary told the men impudently.
Let’s order some food, Tom said, as they all sat down
I fancy the Polish Hussar Roast,  he admitted.
What has a Polish Hussar ever done to you, Mary asked?
Nothing yet but I live in hope
And so do all of us.

To be continued

Annie Laughton, neighbor of Mary Brown, widow of Stan , the  almost world famous logician, came out of her oak-panelled front door deliberating over whether her teal color 7/8  length wool coat was the best one for her to wear in the frosty smog covering Knittingham and the River Quaint.[Now breathe]
She decided a full-length raspberry maxi coat would be wiser however she did not take her own advice but wandered next door, to see what Mary was doing.
Mary was reading some book reviews.
There is a new type of illness, she told Anne.
Almost flu.almost depression, almost measles……almost happy.

Surely you either have measles or not, Annie mumbled.
Not so, Mary answered.That is Aristotelian logic; nowadays we use fuzzy logic.It’s a degree of indefiniteness or its opposite……….get it?
This is why Trump got elected, Annie cried.
We want it simpler.apart from Leonard Cohen who wanted it darker and so it has been for him.
Well, fuzzy logic is not so hard, Mary whispered.
Any logic is hard, Annie replied. Prehistoric man had no logic and look at us now.Are we happier?Or we wiser? 
You seem a bit moody, Mary told her.By the way, I love your new coat.Where did you get it from?
I stole it from the cloakroom at the Cricket Club, Annie teased her
Are you not worried the owner will see you? said Mary anxiously.
No, it was in Newcastle under Lyme!  Annie cried
But it is still both a crime and a sin.Mary retorted logically
Actually, I got it from Lands End, Annie said triumphantly.They had a big sale on.Because it was a warm autumn.It was only £6,788.09.
My, that’s cheap, said Mary.Once you could buy a house for that much.
My pension is £189 a week so how long will it take me to pay off the credit card? Annie wondered.
If we ignore interest and assume you pay £100 a week it will be 16788/100 which is about  168 weeks or 3 years.Can you live on £89 a week for 3 years?
No, I knew I should have stolen a new coat but I lost my nerve.
I am still wearing my old clothes, Mary boasted.
Yes, I  can see all the moth holes, Annie screamed humorously.Your darning is pathetic
I know, Mary said.Stan was good at darning.
Well, he can’t do it now, Annie informed her logically.Well. he might darn God’s tablecloth but not your skirts and jumpers.
God’s tablecloth is perfect, said Mary.It lasts for eternity unlike our clothes
Are we going out?It looks so cold.Why don’t we stay in and teach Emile to thread a needle?Annie pondered
Do you believe that a cat could ever learn that? Mary cried.
O ye of little faith, cried Annie.With God all things are possible.
Your argument has only one flaw, Mary cried.We are not God.
And so say all of us