Category: fiction

Molly put the skittle on

You are too prissy,Mary,Stan told his wife.Everybody uses four letter words know except you.
What is so special about four letters,she replied mathematically.
I can’t say ,said Stan.
Is it because they are expletives s have to sound like bullets being fired.For example
“F*ck off, you old sh*t bag”
Sounds different from
“Kindly go away,old thing.”
That is true,said her 98 year old husband,
So why do you want me to swear?
Well,now you have a tablet computer and a chromebook you need an iphone and you need to talk like the young do as well.
I phones are very expensive and you know me,I’m crap at finding where I leave the f*cking things.
Now,Mary,control yourself.I am your husband,you know.
What the hell has that got to do with it.
You should be nice.
So whom do you wish me to swear at,darling man?
I’m not sure.Maybe when you sing in the kitchen you could alter the words of the songs..
As I waltzed out to f*ck at 8 pm
The lambs were running home all all full of grass
I heard a neighbour complain of all this crap
So I’m going to Waterstone’s for to buy a map

Something wrong with the metre here methinks,said Stan.
And somehow,swearing does not seem to blend with your personality and gentle quiet nature,Mary,darling.
Cut the crap.It’s too late now.I’ve become addicted.
But how many four letter words are there?I might find it limiting.
Some fourletter words are not swearing
like
tame,kind,wind,fluff,hair,lips,nips,twit
but some are like
f*ck,shit,crap,tw*t.
So twit is ok but twat is not,the demure old lady replied.Anyway don’t you know any more?
Damn!
Perhaps we’ll have to buy a book and learn some new ones but to whom shall we say them
Would your mistress,Meldickadivsa know?
Well,I can ask her.
But is it sensible?
If women want equal rights it’s not the same as being compelled to use words that only workmen used to use.
It’s like saying we can’t have public conveniences for women;they will have to use the gents!
What will they use the gents for, one of them queried.
For sensual gratification and relieving tension.
Is it legal?
Anything is legal as long as you don’t pay in cash!
That reminds me of Russell’s Paradox.
Oh,my God,don’t say you are on to Russell!
It’s more like he is on to me.
Whatever do you mean,Stan said.
He is trying to invade my mind.
Well,make it password protected!!
How do I do that?
Go online and find out.
Perhaps we can password protect your tongue to stop you saying all those words like tw*t!
But I don’t want to stop.
In that case you must invent some more or they get boring you see.
Flaff off you crum!
Eff doff you runt!
Don’t you leak to he like tratt
Why egger nuts?
Clean your morgan in the mawnin.
What is so runny about swap?
Goody bell,the vicar is beer!
Lie down and he won’t bee us on the door!
It’s very dirty down here.
Get the vacuum out!
The vacuum is clean,it’s the carpet that’s full of nap!
I blame you,
For what?
Basting my rhymes in wine.
Well,it’s time for wee now.
Go and but the skittle on the stove.
By George,I feel terry funicular!
I’ll put some neatener in your wee.
I’ll come here again!
Stop that askance!
Can’t I rake a glance?
Show you can pot?
Pot what?
The wee pot.
You are very mod!
Blank you so crutch.
Puck off,it’s time for twerk.
Oh,my dear!
It’s being so near.
what makes ‘em leer..
I am disgusted by my weir
I shall arrest myself and put an end to it.

In hell

 

Photo1043I have now got 2 pairs of reading glasses.. what I thought was,next time I’ll just get a monocle… or a manacle…A manacle is a miraculous man…so I am told.
At last I can read books again…after meeting a mysteriously wonderful young lady who helped me.But where are all my novels?
I seem to have lost them…so now for a new author…a woman author who writes about people like me… a bit like me but which bit?
We focus on our differences but we are all quite similar except on what we read.
I do not wish to read books like

Fifty Days in the Haystack
Don’t let a cherry get in your ways and means
How I love being beaten in May and June
How to keep house for dirty women and loose cats
How to cook for the  wilfully blind.
How to be mysterious. in minutes
How to get a man to do anything for you except make love real
Five hundred new masochistic delights for girls
Sadism is the new black and decker
Teach your cat to say crap or die.
Getting into the shit of it;war for beginners
Dreck for  other beginners.
Love appals again.
How to swear  well for old Christian ladies.
Merry matings in hell

Stan,bisexuality and life

I am removing the links daily

In the ancient churchyard with large tree]
Ancient vicarage garden
  • Stan has just got back from church. He helps to  poliah the pews on a weekly rota.He also embroiders kneelers.He learned in the Navy.Sailors used to knit whilst on long voyages and sew too.Now he’s home and making some coffee.
    Ah ah,the  dorbell He ignores it.Then Annie appears tapping on the window.”Hello,what’s up?” he enquires impatiently.Church seems to affect him that way……..odd!
    “I’m just a bit  lonely as Emile’s come back to you.”
    “What about the bee you adopted.Bobbi?
    “”They’re affectionate but rather hard to cuddle,”she answered with tears in her green eyes.”They do look soft and furry but they are too small”
    “You need something bigger..how about a dog?”
    “I’d  prefer a man “she said softly and suggestively.
    “Why not give meditation a go?” Emile miaowed.
    “I’m a bit past it all now at 106,” Stan replied.”But, if you get some rainbow striped underwear from Ann Summers and some red bed socks , maybe that might help with the desirability aspect.”
    “I will not be seen dead in striped underwear ” she cried cunningly.
    “Well,why don’t you go on the internet?You could find someone younger and slimmer than me!”
    Annie looked  very angry “I’ve spent 20 years on you.Are you telling me it’s all wasted?”
    “No,it’s been useful to know how to ring 999,” he admitted wonderingly.
    “But my baking would have been quicker if you hadn’t kept coming in trying to induce me,reduce or seduce me.”he said confusedly
    “Are you losing your word power?” she asked curiously.
    “No,I said that on purpose.I’m training to go to a  poetry weekend at East Anglia University.”
    “You are so daring,darling!”
    “Well,what have I got to lose? he riposted jovially.
    “And all the food is included.It’s only £3,000 for the weekend!”
    “Is that cheap?” “I don’t know.I need to look at the Index of Retail Prices or whatever they have nowadays.”
    They sat before the computer gazing at the government dataand statistics with pen and paper in their hands.
    “I really enjoyed that,”said Annie,”It’s even better  than sex”
    “Thank God for that,” thought Stan with wry amusement.
    “Now I can keep her busy learning more about how to analyse data.I’m fed up with kissing her all day long.Now we can study for Open University degrees in mathematics and statistics and keep our minds lively.”
    “Quick put the kettle on Mary is here.”
    “Hello,Mary.We are studying government statistics.It’s so interesting.”
    “Yes,I know” she answered coltishly.”But a woman has another needs too.”
    “Oh,no!” cried Stan,”Not you too.” He fell onto the striped rug by the fire.
    “Oh,dear,I suppose we’d better ring 999!” said Mary to Annie.”How lucky you are here,dear.”
    “Well,I’ll make the tea.We’ll need it.”
    “By the way,Annie,your eyes are looking so bright.Like two emeralds.” Mary whispered.”Have you ever fancied a woman?”
    “No,darling.It never occurred to me.So many men.So little time.”
    “Well,do let me know if you are interested!”
    “Sorry,dear.I want to become a government statistician then maybe I can understand government the from within, as it were.”
    She ran out singing “Onward Socialist Lovers” to welcome Dave,the handsome paramedic who was at the door.
    “Dave,do you know any Statistics” she called.
    “Only vital ones,my angel” he replied coolly.
    “How’s Stan?”
    “Not dead yet“Stan called spiritedly from the blue lambswool, hand washable Mary Quant rug.”Get me some fresh tea and we can all discuss the latest health statistics.”
    Anne laughed merrily but she looked truly insincere.At least according to Emile ,who was hiding behind the television in the corner.”I wish we could have our dinner,” he murmured.But no-one heard him.
    Cats don’t like tea but nobody seems to know.Emile is hoping to write a book soon.”Cat against tea.”

 

Emile goes to the Garden Center with Stan

2apples1Stan and his bright ,beautiful and wise  yet psychotic wife Mary went to the Garden Center to use a gift token Stan had been given on his birthday by his cousin Marian. from Lee on Sea which is near Manchester They wanted to buy a big pot of mixed flowering plants to put on the porch of their 4 bed ,  tin bath cottage.Stan used to fill such a tub or indeed several himself but what with teaching Emile  his cat to swim,balancing the account book and cooking a dinner every day he was too busy.Not to mention cleaning the windows in the conservatory with his microfibre cloth which he did weekly.And all the baking too..he was missing out on going to the University of the Third Age to teach logic to retired artists.1236071_370604443072690_670872119_n

[My art..  from a  photo  of a bleeding bite on my leg..]

 

Emile their talking cat always went with them for a drive but he stayed in the car in case a dog might see him and bite him.
Stan said to  him,
Emile,would you like to sit on my shoulders,then you could come and have some coffee in a saucer?
No, thank you.said Emile,I don’t want a dog to jump up on you!I will lie down under  the seat and have a nap.You can bring me some icecream back..I love ice cream as it melts.
Stan and Mary went into a huge  glass greenhouse which  had a cafe at one end.How stunning  the orchids looked.. such delicate colors and what delicious and sweet perfumes they could smell.They sat down by the orchids and had a large cappuccino each and a very small scone with strawberry jam.
My goodness,what big mugs,Mary mused.Why don’t they standardize them? But to whose standards?
This must be half a pint!In some coffee shops this would be “Huge”
Well,just drink part of it,Pet,if it’s too much for you,” Stan replied abstractedly his mind on the nubile waitress.
What are you thinking?,.she enquired gently.This is the question most men dislike…maybe because they are not thinking and if they are,it may be they are thinking of something a wife or partner would not want to know!
I’m wondering what color  of plants to get.Stan acknowledged quietly yet intellectually.
I always like blue flowers like delphiniums she informed him.After 69 years of marriage he still did not remember…but it made life more fun… and more surprising as each day was nearly new yet not quite  second hand
The next moment they saw Emile. arriving.He was standing on the back of a large handsome black labrador dog which accompanied two stocky men.
Emile!he called,What’s going on? The two men came over.
Hello,one said,I’m Bert and this is my brother Bart.We found your little cat crossing the road.He said you were in here.Then Max,our dog,said Emile could ride on his back to avoid the mud by the gate
Thank you very much,Max,Mary said in a trembling voice. But how did you get out of the car,Emile?
You forgot to close the window and I could see a lovely tortoiseshell lady cat across the road so I deci.ded to pop over.Emile said triumphantly.I feel in the mood for something which is good for me.. namely sex.
But you don’t know the Highway Code yet,Emile!Nor safe sex
Stan groaned, as it was one more thing to teach Emile.Will he want to learn Ancient Greek, as well he asked himself evasively
Isn’t it cute seeing Emile riding on Max’s back? asked Bart.Do you mind if I take a photo?
Feel free,Stan replied.Allow me ,please,to buy you some coffee.
Thank you,said Bert.Two double esspressos please.And two scones with Cornish cream and blackcurrant jam,thank you
Stan went to order whilst Max and Emile did a tour of the cafe and had their photo taken by several surprised people sipping coffee and tea simultaneously in error but yet in time with life#s music
My goodness,said Mary,I wonder if this photo will be in the local newspaper next week.It’s a  symbol of love and peace.
Though of course not all dogs are as generous as Max. Not all cats are as bold as Emile..
Max wagged his tail and smiled upon hearing this.

If you’d like to help your dog to smile please email me at one of these addresses below.Cats can also be enabled to smile though this requires patience and charm and paying me a lot of cash in advance with no guarantees… i need money and am a cripple so please send it immediately when you find a public convenience or post office or a bank or from any cashpoint

Don’t wait.Email me now.. regret it later
patiencehere@coolmail.com
katepeaceplan@yodelmail.com
muchmorelove@catmail.org
katandcats@mymail.net

Love in Starbuck’s and the sequel

Photo2109Anita was sitttng in Starbucks drinking cafe latte.She gazed blankly out of the  window until her eye fell on a handsome man passing by.Thud!She ran out to retrieve her big blue eye and put it back into  its placeAre you ok,the man enquired suavely.Yes,I am fine she said. calmly yet thrillinglyAre you doing anything tonight?

Only washing my eyes,she answered succintly, But it won’t take me  long.

Would you like to have a meal with me?

She gazed pensively at his dark and mobile features.

I’ve not been to McDonald’s ever ,she whispered.

Very wise,I suggest that new Chinese place by the library.See you at 7 pm.I’m Tom.

Anita didn’t even  know his full  name but  she was  very keen  to  meet more men as she was 39 She went home and finished reading,”The Art of Loving” by Erich Fromm. should I also read .”The Joy of Sex” she ponderedor is it better to wait for it to happen and learn as you go?Besides she diddn’t yet  know and love Tom though he looked  beguiling. Then she wondered what they might talk about. so she watched a precis of the news. and washed her hair with a new shampoo.Oh, she realised it was for leopards but it seemed to do wonders for her  golden locks. What to wear?That was not a problem.She only owned one dress.It was amethyst coloured  and had a wrapover front,the style which is attributed to Diane von Furtensburg  though it was known in ancient Greece.Socrates may have worn one Anita  had got hers from “Lands End” for £13 in a sale.It was a little clingy but she had a most beautiful figure.Or should she wear a pashmina to hide her curves? I don’t know Tom yet she thoughtWhen she arrived  in  black jeans and a white Tshirt toppped by a beige trenchcoatthere was her beau wearing identical clothes.~And his hair was the same colour as hers.

What sort of shampoo do you use,?  she whispered seductively

Why,I use  one for leopards.I bought it at the vets.

Wow,I have the same one.Do you think we are two persons who may share a soul as well?

I’m not sure,but I’ll share a Dover sole with you.

Do Chinese restaurants sell fish?

I’ll ask.

Do you do fish?

Of course the food is fresh.

Tom gave up and went back to Anita.

Where do you work?

I’m in the Foreign Office.

Are you a spy?

No,I’m a linguist.I speak seven languages.

How useful.But it would be good for a spy too to know many languages

What do you do?

I’m in the Home Office.

What exactly do you do?

I’m a translator,Glaswegian to English and suchlike,dialects and accents

Wow, we do similar things.

They gazed furtively into each other eyes.

Do you come here often.?

No,not really but I’d love to meet you again.

Why,thank you.would you like to come back for coffee.

Where do you live?

Just across the road in that new block of luxury  flats near the train station.

OK,I’ll come.then.I live here over the restaurant.How convenient.How central.how residential.What potential They went into her flat and fell over the cat which was asleep in the hall.

What’s her name?

Apassionata Sonata!

That’s unusual.

I call her Pashy for short.

Not so good for shouting out if she’s in the garden.

They sat down demurely  on the mauve and pink  sofa.

Where do you get your jeans from?

I got these from Gap but sometimes I get them  from Topman

Oh,I got mine from Poetry by mail order

They are very atttractive on you.Or more correctly You look most attractive in them

Thank you.

May I caress your supine flesh?

Please do.How polite you are.

Where shall I start?

At the beginning

I don’t know your beginning.

Well,just guess.

He took her tapered hand and licked it with his tongue.Then he licked her lips.He could taste the sole.

Pass the salt please,he quipped. as he bit her ear lobe gently.

A tear of joy ran down her cheek and Tom licked it off very sensually.

How delicious, he muttered

You are so funny, Tom,she cried.I love you already.

Do you like being tickled anywhere and everywhere ?

No, but in your case I’ll make an exception.

Just then the doorbell rang loudly Anita opened the door of her flat as Tom hid behind the sofa with his jeans

and T shirt..

Hello,darling.Why are you in your underwear?

Hello,Mummy.I was feeling so hot!

Is that your wedding day  underwear ?

Yes,Mummy,but since I’m now 39 years old I decided to begin wearing it.

Oh dear ,Anita,Are you giving up hope of romance?

No,she’s not!,cried Tom springing up from the back of the sofa wearing only underpants and a vest.

I was just about to propose but Anita wanted my view on her underwear and I wanted to show her mine.

Hello,I’m Mary.I love your underwear.Is it all silk?

Yes,it is ,said Tom,it’s very comfortable. Still thus clad he knelt down and propesed to Anita.He said she should save her golden underwear for their honeymoon and gave her an amethyst ring for their engagement.

How romantic ,said Mary as they both got dressed. I never expected to be present to hear this proposal.I feel very pleased you

allowed me to be here. I must rush home to tell her father and everyone else. When will you get married?

As soon as possible,Tom cried.I can’t wait to see her golden underwear again.Promise to save it.Anita

Of course I will,Tom.I’m so happy you liked it.

And did you like mine?

You would look good just wrapped in brown paper,Tom.I love you just as you are.

And I love you,Anita.

Just then someone rapped hard on the door.Was it her father?Wait and see

Is email a terror?

2apples1

Is he male and a terror? No,I mean  is email  an error?

I googled all night  with him.Am I with child or just wild?
I  got phished out of the river Jordan and went West and East as I can’t swim
He has broken my tart with his  ink
And deliver us from hacking.O,Lord. And surveill us not
Please flaunt me tonight and tomorrow.
The doctor want half my nose and  £3,000… Is  this a new rite de passage?
Deport me now,please let me row.And drown
I don’t love wolves  by the score.
My floor is always hoping for you to step on it
I love you so clutch.
He was schizo -affectionate.. he was in two blinds about me
His personality was ordered but we don’t  kno2 by whom.Anyway he was so orderly it was a disorder if you can blunderstand it like I don’t

He floundered all over me and wandered up and down.. eventually he managed to draw a map of my entire body.Is this usual in a boyfriend?

His sagacity was a fright to all.He blighted my troth

Stan’s love life :not dead yet!

enmglish garden

English garden
English garden
English garden

Source: K.
English poppies
English poppies

Stan’s birthday
Stan Brown was in the new conservatory admiring the windows he had just polished with his microfibre cloth.His 82nd birthday was coming up and Mary,his stunningly attractive yet irritable and over educated wife had insisted on celebrating a party and had already baked a hugewhole orange cake[see internet for recipe]He heard a sharp tapping on the door.There lay Annie their next door neighbour spying through the key hole.

“Are you on your own?” she queried tersely.

“No, but I’m suffering from existential anxiety” Stan lied politely.

“Well,I just saw Mary on her second hand but excellent Raleigh shopper bike going to the market or the Charity Shop.”

“Well,I have the cat here”,he spontaneously whispered loudly as if he were free associating for Freud himself

“Let me in,and make me a coffee” “She’s a queer one” the cat Emile thought inconsolably.”where’s my Carnation cat milk?”

“Real or phantasy?” he answered suavely yet civilly.”Won’t it wash off your brand new coral lipstick from Chanel of Paris?” “no to mention your factor 60 sunblock.”

“Bleedin’ hell!” she murmured romantically. to herself,”How does he know it’s Chanel?Is he a spy or what?Is he in M.I.7?”

Stan got some instant coffee and debated whether to add a little LSD to add some mysticism and magic to their morning!No,a breathing exercise would be cheaper he concluded after 39 minutes of obsessiveanxiety

He sat down in his favourite old wooden Habitat chair.

“Did you know Habitat is going b..b bankrupt?” she brightly yet surreptitiously stuttered turning pink with happiness and the menopause.

Suddenly Annie sat down on Stan’slap and began to kiss his right eyelids.

“Careful,my angel!” he muttered.

He was savouring the annoyingly uncommon pleasure when the chair fell to pieces as it frequently did at such times. throwing the elderly but versatile couple down onto the new Mary Quant patterned pure NewZealand lambs wool carpet.Suddenly they heard the peal of Mary’s bicycle bell.Shortly she walked into the room.carrying 78 bags of groceries for the bithday party.

“What is going on now ?”she murmured seductively.

“I’m so sorry,Anne,please accept my apologies,he has this thing about chairs.It’s a fetish,I believe,according to Sinaldo Floyd.””

“Have you got your mobile?” shrieked Stan agonisingly,”I can’t get up.”

“What cannot stand up must forever remain lying down” As my old philosophy tutor at Cambridge used to say,muttered Mary.

“Why,that’s bit extreme,” said Anne uneasily.”MY tutor said “Who cannot speak must forever remain silent.”

“Oh,who was your tutor?” “Elizabeth Ansconbe!” Anne admitted furtively.”Mine was Iris Murdoch!” called out Stan!

Later than soon,slightly, they heard a silent siren.It was the emergencyambulance.

Dave,the paramedic bounded into the room.

“It’s this chair” said Mary urbanely.”Can you mend it for me?My husband can’t manage without it!”

“Anything else,madam?” Dave queried anxiously.

“Any coal to fetch in,tins to open,blocked toilets?”

“Later maybe.”

Dave looked at Anne.”Your eyes look like two deep pools in the Caspian sea.”

he whispered.”Are you on another creative writing course?”she quipped urbanely.

“Yes, we’re on eyes at the moment,what is that eyeshadow you have on.” “This is called winter teal” She admitted uneasily.

“Did you know I’m a transvestite?” he admitted happily her.”Yes”,she replied dishonestly.Anne like to give an impression of omniscience owing to her ontological insecurity and her quizzically lacking theology.

Unfortunately that very frequently gave men the wrong impression.

Mary cried out to Dave,”Get on with it,my sweetie!” So he took out a big tube of glue from his jeans’ pocket and set to work on the chair.

“Oh,dear,Stan looks a bit odder” “!No,he looks prime to me.” “Is he an integer?!” “No, he’s a transcendental real number” “He’s a number all right.”

“Never mind,we’ve just got new wheelie bins so I’ll put him out with the rubbish,”

Mary joked on hearing Anne’s remarks to Dave.

But Stan was not yet dead.He merely had fallen asleep.

He dreamed of his days at Oxgridge University studying illogic and unreason with Rudolphina Catnap,the famous philosopher.Oh,happy days!

Dave made the ladies some Ceylon tea in the fabulous oak kitchen with its pure linen curtains in raspberry beige. and its black enamel sink with matching double oven and microwave.”Why no halogen?”Iris Murdoch might have asked.

“What is a human life,”he pondered.He was studying logic aas well aswriting.

He began to tremble like a leaf inthe wind to use a fresh new cliche.

“Help” he called,”I’m having a panic attack.Hurry I’m dying“

“You can’t have a panic attack,” shouted Mary.

“Paramedics heal themselves.”

“Does God heal those who heal themselves he wondered as he lay under a pile of broken china?”

“Where’s the blooming tea ? called the women politely.

The disaster with Mary’s pinking shears: Stan errs again

« Catching some words..first draft Wildfowers »

abstract war on terrorStan was in the new black and cream kitchen cooking the Sunday dinner.As usual in the North it was roast beef and Yorkshire puddings.Stan was very good with Yorkshire puddings.They ate them with gravy before the main course just to maintain tradition.Even Emile,their talking cat, loved a pudding soaked in thick meaty gravy..
Suddenly the kitchen door burst open and in rushed their neighbor Annie… covered in blue paint.
What’s happened to you,Stan enquired cautiously.Surely you are not house painting on Sunday?
No,I never paint myself,she responded.I was in the old shed and a stray cat was up on the top shelf.It leaped off knocking over this tin of paint.I’m wondering how to get ot out of my hair?
What type of paint is it?
It’s emulsion paint.
Well,I’m afraid you can’t get it out!
I can’t go around town with blue hair,she cried loudly,even a touch hysterically.
Well,all I can think is that I could cut off a little of your hair.
OK, if that’s the only way to get rid of that damned paint.Can I stay and eat with you,babe?
Of course,sweetheart.Now here are some pinking shears.
Have you no ordinary scissors? she cried fractiously.Oh,bleedin’ ‘ell!!
No,we lost them.But pinking shears will give a layered effect.
Stan began cutting the lefthand side of Annie’s hair.Then he went around to the right….his left or her right?
She looked in the mirror,The left is a bit longer,she murmured vampishly.She falt like cussing and swearing but she didn’t know enough bad words so far in her life.
OK I’ll cut off a bit more.Stan whispered into her neck.
Oh,my God.The shears slipped,it’s gone really short,he shouted.
All Stan could do was cut the remainder of Annie’s lovely hair so it was only 2 cm long all over.
Suddenly Mary came in,
I didn’t know you were a hair dresser, she said sardonically to her errant husband.
Well,Annie got paint in her hair so I’ve trimmed it off.
Trimmed it..it looks like she won’t need a cut for about two years.
Annie began to sob noisily ,terrifying Emile who was hiding behind the flour bin watching some ants.
Well,Stan answered, it will be easier to wash and dry and she’ll have no need for rollers etc.Why,I could do it for a living.
I think it looks charming.
Why pinking shears?Mary whispered.You could have used my dressmaking ones.
Well,too late now mioawed Emile sarcastically from the bookcase filled with the entire Penguin cookery book collection over thirty years.What a pity it took up so much space in the tiny kitchen.
I think her hair looks sweet,said Stan bravely.
Meantime,you have burned the puddings again.Just like King Alfred and the cakes.Men are only good at savory and meat dishes.
It takes a woman to cook puddings and cakes.But Yorkshire puddings are savories.
I wonder how Wittgenstein would have classified them ? cried Mary enthusiastically.
Not Wittgenstein again,moaned Stan in mental torment,can’t you move onto some other philosopher?
Whom do you suggest? she said grammatically.
Try Carnap or take up gardening.
Oh,Carnap’s more of a logician,Mary said defiantly,
You see I love Wittgenstein as a human being.
Are you committing adultery with him ?Stan demanded thoughtfully his eyes bright like lasers.
That’s a wild exaggeration,He’s dead,Mary muttered.And he was,er,gay!
How do you know? That’s what they all say,shouted Stan angrily.
But what about you and Annie? Mary said venomously.
Well,I get lonely with you lecturing all day and studying Wittgenstein and mathematics all night
Surely you could wait till I come home? Mary said sharply
I suppose so,though a harem has always been my dream!
I think you are a bit past it now at 99,said Mary.
That’s not what I think, said Emile quietly.Cats and men…how do they do it?
Meanwhile Annie had washed her hair an it dried in tiny uneven curls all over her head.
It looks quite fetching,they decided as they sat down to eat the charred Yorkshire puddings.
What an exciting Sunday especially for Stan who enjoyed touching and playing with women’s hair.
I wonder if it’s a mental illness?I’ll have to look on the internet.Still, better than panic attacks, he thought
consolingly as he carried the roast beef onto the dining room where the women were discussing religious topics including a curiosity about why Christians were so anti Semitic despite Jesus’ wish for people to love each other.and besides being God,He was also a Jewish person too.
That’s interesting,Stan thought,here people think he’s English!What a weird world it is,to be sure.God was not a white Eton educated man.He may have been brown with a long black beard and a moustache.Did he smoke?
Only when he thought nobody was looking!Then he had flames coming out of his ears,Well,it made him laugh,you see.It’s Sunday soon so get ready.The Lord is nigh and he has a new hat on too

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I owe it to myself to keep my life secret

 

Tigger

A few weeks after Annie moved into the house next door to Stan,he met her when he was  seeing his wife off to work.
Why does your wife not have a car? she enquired suspiciously.
She is trying to keep slim,Stan told her.
Well,she’s not been very successful,Annie said scientifically.
She might be much fatter than she is now if she drove a car,he stated ponderously
That’s true,muttered Annie meditatively
I am your new next door neighbor.she continued
Yes my dear, said Stan,I have seen you sunbathing in the garden in your bikinis.
How come? she asked scientifically.
There’s a big hole in the fence.
Is it legal to look at women through a hole in the fence?
asked Annie.
I know it’s illegal to look into their bedroom windows.
Is it really,asked Stan nervously,I had no idea.
How about women looking at men through a round hole?
Oh,they are not bothered to do that,she told him charmingly.
Well,said Stan,clearing his throat,I think I owe it to myself to tell you that I love you.
Wow,you’re quick off the mark,the lady said saucily.
What do you mean,you owe it to yourself?
Nothing,said Stan,I could not think how to word it.I mean I wish to unselfishly love you and admire your ripe body and your cute sense of color.I love your teal trouser suit.And you sing sos well in the bath.
You didn’t mean you owe it to yourself to take advantage of me?
Not unless you want me to take advantage of you,the gallant old man informed her.
And you can take advantage of me.I make cakes and biscuits,wholemeal bread and I am training my cat Emile to do statistics on an i pad.
How extraordinary,Annie whispered.I didn’t know cats had an “I.” let alone pads.
Well,they have pads on their paws,he informed her intelligently.
True,she said,but where are their I’s?
Where are our I’s ?he responded in a manner to rejoice the heart of Mary Midgley or Susanne Langer two of Stan’s favourite writers on philosophy,logic,symbols and ethics.
Not that he practiced the Ethics but he liked to know what he was doing wrong.It’s more fun that way.If you sin,sin big!
A man who seduces women merrily one after the other may have no idea it might be wrong.Neither might the women.Why is it wrong?Surely it’s better than killing people or leaving the lid off the jam all night so the wasps get into the jar?
Still,not many men get the chances that Stan got.No-one suspected this kindly,handsome practicing Catholic was a womanizer despite his blue beard,green eyes,white skin and red hair.And his slim yet strong figure clad in navy trousers and white shirts all the year round.Maybe his wife did but she preferred to read Aristotle in bed and dream about mercury… those little silver balls,so cute!
Well,as we know,Stan is about to make Annie his mistress but in such a cold wet summer,where can he take her to do the deed?
The shed?The public library? Cafe Nero?
I owe it to you not to tell you yet.That will give you time to think of a solution for this sweet old man and his naughty but nice neighbor.
Like,how about the confessional in the local Church?
Whatever next?I owe it to myself to keep it secret as you may come along and spoil the fun.
Stan went indoors and washed up in the boiling hot water he kept by him constantly as he owed it to himself to be ready to make a hot drink at any moment he fancied and by gum,he did fancy like no man has ever fancied before.So his daemon tells me.

Next time:Why did God create Stan and why does it matter?

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My scruples and other thoughts

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Pray Father,give me a Dressing.It is five Tweets since my last Depression
So what have you done now?
Well,as I’ve done nothing wrong today I am suffering from Pride.
You seem to think about yourself too much…maybe
How much is too much,Uncle?
Well,when we are happy and doing something we enjoy,we forget ourselves entirely.
and that is the best way to be.
But first we need some security.How can I get that.
You need a spam guard for your mind!At the moment you are on automatic which is the default setting of your brain to act like a reptile…
Thanks very much,Father,I never knew I was a reptile.Did they have scruples..
It was kill or be killed.Don’t you see the scruples are an attack on yourself?The reptile is attacking you… as you have frightening thoughts it’s annoyed.
So how do I rebutt these? thoughts
Say,Alright if I’m the most wicked man in the city,smite me and do your worst.I am not afraid any more..I have done my best and if it’s not good enough strike me dead now or forever give me peace,
And what will happen after that?
Well,we shall see.But you have to face this thing head on.Bring it to a head.Lance the boil.
So if God does smite me dead?
Well, do you really think you are so wicked because you stole a half penny from the charity box fifty years ago?
I see it’s a sort of pride… a theatrical display of guilt.
Yes, quite right.Anyway, if you survive your ordeal let me know and I’ll give it a try.
Why,don’t say you have scruples too?
Yes,I have scruples about giving advice to people.If they follow it and it’s no good… it worries me….
Why don’t we do or die together,Father?
I’ll give you a buzz.
Meanwhile am I absolved?
Yes, dear boy.Sometimes I wish I could be dissolved..
Why is that?
I’d like to lose myself.
Why not try reading a good book…I recommend Nicholas Freeling.
But I feel guilty reading.
Now look here,Father,God helps those who help themselves….give yourself a break…
A good novel, a cup of tea and a pussy on your knee,you’ll be transformed.
Thank you,my child.
Don’t mention it,Father.
Don’t mention what?
They never say.
It’s just a phrase or is it a phase?
It’s all Greek to me.
I know some very sweet Greeks or are they geeks?
Just one letter can make such a difference..
Write soon.

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Stan teaches a class a sense of proportion

Normal Distribution Cumulative Density Functio...
Normal Distribution Cumulative Density Functions (CDFs) with standard deviation = 1.0 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Stan(d) Off
Stan(d) Off (Photo credit: cenz)

 

English: Example of two samples with the same ...
English: Example of two samples with the same mean and different standard deviations. Red sample has mean 100 and SD 10; blue sample has mean 100 and SD 50. Each sample has 1000 values drawn at random from a gaussian distribution with the specified parameters. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

Illustration of Standard deviation
Illustration of Standard deviation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

]

Stan was teaching social statistics to a group of elderly neighbors.Since he was 109 it gave them all hope to see him demonstrating his prowess with various techniques.He was planning to do some logic and philosophy too.Annie was sitting by the door so she could answer the bell if any paramedics turned up for tea.
I’m not going to calculate ” the standard deviations” he murmured.”I just want you to grasp the general purpose.”
“Deviations,they’re not normal are they?” enquired his neighbor “Henry,an ex-English teacher.”So how can they be standard.It’s confusing..”
“Are you thinking of deviants?” Stan enquired calmly yet firmly.”Certainly not,at my age I’m a bit past that!””Still it adds a bit of excitement to the class.” he thought.
How do words in ordinary language relate to those in Statistics?”asked Henry kindly.
“They are just more precisely defined in statistics.To say someone is a deviant is a rather vague term.”
“No,it’s not!My neighbor is a deviant.He always dresses entirely in yellow.”
“Well,that must be hard to do.Certainly unusual.” Stan agreed boldly.
“But in another country that might be the norm.So it’s a matter of context.In statistics it’s more boring.There’s a formula.It’s totally independent of context.Have you ever wondered why so many mathematicians have more than a touch of Asperger’s syndrome?”

“No,it’s not something that wanders through my mind much”replied Henry
A shudder passed through the room at hearing the word “formula“,which perhaps they considered something of a deviant!Anything with letters and numbers mixed together is certainly not welcome in many people’s minds, along with their more unusual sexual tastes,desires and inclinations which were kept secret even from themselves in many cases.

“Time for tea.” called Annie,hoping to divert their attention.She carried in a platter of mouse sandwiches kindly donated by the local ambulance service and some iced Victoria sponge she and Stan had made
the day before.
“Just a quick word about next week.We’ll take a look at ratios and proportions and maybe see how that relates to the concept of rationality.”
“That sounds fun!” Annie called encouragingly.Henry decided to act on a deviant desire and fell onto her lap.”Oh,dear!” she gasped loudly as the chair collapsed under her.”Why can’t you be deviant at home?”
“My wife won’t let me!” He kindlily answered.
“And look,” Stan continued,”we’ll have to ring 999.This chair is in fragments.I thought for one day we’d be able to avoid calling them out!”
“Well,life is not controllable.” said a quiet but fierce looking lady with sharp green eyes.”That’s what makes it tolerable“
She then greedily consumed a large piece of iced cake .
“I can stand the thinking if the cake is good” she whispered to her shy friend Amy.
”That’s rather a feeble argument,”Amy retorted.”You can’t really compare cake and statistics.”
“I’ll compare anything I like!” the green-eyed woman snarled loudly.
“You do what you like but you must keep a sense of proportion!”
“Now then,have you rung 999?” Stan queried of Annie.”Yes,here they are,and they’ve got a stretcher for the chair!”
“Well,that’s certainly unusual,even deviant“,Stan thought anxiously to himself.”Where do they get their funding? Is there a fund for distributing money to help chairs which are not normal?

.To be continued..

 

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Hummings and Bawdinesses:Latest Books

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A Stranger’s Plan
Disparate remedies
The Refracted Glass Teacher
The Fly Passed Me.
The Excluded and Elaborated Mysteries of the Hellishly used Fields
Far from the Maddeningly Empowered
The Wriggler by the Heels
A Group of Ennobled Charms
The Hand of Othello’s Lurcher Bit Me on a Train
Lewd Beyond Cure.
Poetry Abjured
A Dysphorialic Mission,
The Striving Breathed Not
Life’s Titted Tyrannies
The Heir was Passing Water at the Bridge
A Mere Interlude ng by Our Foibles
Oxford Booksperms impregnate a Library and Whore!
A Pair of True Lies.
Poems Of The Lost And The Hesitant
The Poor Fruit Of The Ill Covered Tease.
The Return of the Narrative,
The Nomadic Adventures of a Milk Pail
Selected Short Whores
Selected Borings of Jonah‘s Party
The Taut Chores of the Bawdy
The Crooked And Wearing Tales Of Romulus the Tardy
Stories which Bitch and Bark
Stories of Old Western Sex
Tales come out of Old Puzzles
The Three Dogs in the Manger and other disaffected animals
The Trumpeted stranger.
The Strumpet and Robert’s Voluntary Maiden Overtures
Two on the Blower.[Two for the Price  .of a Bone]
Hatch Flu under a Shower…Get Disability Now
True Essences of Males who love Whores
The Uncharted Tarts of Old Anglia
Under the Screaming Tree.Who will Lie with Me?
Under the Green We Feel Free to Wee.
The Well-Reloved Woman
Free Sex Poems and Other Terser Verse
Free Sexy Males Now
The Withered Farm
The Withered Charms
The Grubs Slanders
The Illustrated Writings Of Thomas Bawdy In Hose And Worse.
Blessings from the Charming Visages

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