Shock in the Sunday Times today

Someone who has inherited a house in Rhyl when she already owns a house herself and therefore now has two houses it’s complaining about having to pay the increased council tax at the  government imposed. It is not as if she bought the house!

Well one and one often makes two.

The Sunday Times is really getting terrible now putting in these stories just to get a lot of comments. Just like the daily mail I suppose

The condition is curable But the form of treatment must be your own choice: I cannot choose for you. [T. S. Eliot, “The Cocktail Party”

Why did Jesus wear sandals?

Because nobody went running in the Holy Land. That’s why it took them 40 years to cross the desert. And to think there was no bathroom anywhere in sight

Is God a pacifist?

Do zebras have stripes?

Why did Jesus walk on the water?

To escape from the quicksands

Why did Jesus feed the 5,000?

That was the biggest number they could think of when writing the New Testament

Why did Jesus cross the road?

Because the other side was lower.

Why do we learn arithmetic in school?

Because it would be boring in school with nothing to do

Why do we have to learn to read in school?

So you can go on the internet on your phone and get into trouble arguing on political forums. And you can also look at pornography.

Who could have been the first person who learned to read?

It must have been the first person who invented writing because until there was writing there couldn’t be any reading

Did Adam and Eve have a library?

Nobody could read what God had written.

Did Cain and Abel go to a comprehensive school?

Well it didn’t teach comprehensive morals did it?

What would God think of  VAT on private school fees?

Jesus didn’t need to go to school.

What would God think about  double council tax on second homes?

God only has one home.

Why are rich people averse to paying more tax?

Because they don’t want to get through the eye of the needle.

If you are forced to give money to the poor it’s not an act of virtue.

Well it still helps the poor though.

When Jesus rose  they asked him how it was

Being crucified upon a cross

I think it must be  trauma, someone said

REM might help you sort your head

Jesus stared at them with his great eyes

It isn’t a mere trauma when God dies

Now we have new wars and children bleed

Human sacrifice, where monsters feed.

When Jesus died the sky was black as night

He will rise again and be our Light

Mary was admiring the rowan tree outside her window when she saw Annie running down the street

Well Annie I didn’t know that you could still run so fast:why are you  coming here in such a breathless state?

Oh it’s my New Year resolution: don’t you know that running is very good for you?

Wlell in theory that might be true but when you’re over 80 is it a good time to start?

I have no choice because I didn’t start when I was younger and time doesn’t go backwards.

Would you like some breakfast?  I have some very nice bread here from the bakery and some lovely honey from Devon.

They at down at the kitchen table.

Where did you get your running shoes from, Mary asked her friend?

Oh I think they belonged to my husband. They were in the wardrobe and as I like the colour blue I thought what’s the point of buying new ones?

Well,stone the crows I am amazed you never needed an excuse to buy new shoes before even though you have 78 pairs already.

How do you know tl I have got 78 ,,?

Well I like the number 78 because it’s divisible by 13. So I counted your shoes  to see if they would fit the pattern as I have got 65 pears.

And did Stan have 52 pairs ?

Of course not he was a man: men don’t have so many shoes. It dates back to when shoes had to be polished. No man would like to polish 52 pairs of shoes nor come to that would have liked to polish 13 If you have 13 pairs of shoes that will be one pair each for the 12 disciples of Jesus and Jesus himself at the Last Supper although if there were any folk serving the food there would not be enough for them. Why am I saying all these ridiculous things?

And any way how does being divisible by 13 help you or the world or in particular Sir Keir Starmer?

It’s hard to explain it but it just pleases me somehow maybe it’s a distraction from reality.

What is reality anyway Annie asked her rudely

Why it’s just like being back at Oxford with iris Murdoch as our tutor

You seem to forget that I did not go to Oxford; well I have been to the station of course but I never was matriculated there nor anywhere else for that matter. I did go into Marks and Spencer’s  there though

Well you’re in good company because 99.99% of the world did not matriculate at Oxford. Most of them don’t even speak English and would not know what matriculation means. But they would all love to go into Marks and Spencers

Words are very interesting because sometimes we read words that we’ve never heard anyone say and we are likely to misspeak

Well I don’t know what anything  means, to be honest.

Do you put a comma after means; it’s because if you don’t it’s a completely different sentence?

I see that you don’t know what it means to be honest  Is that what you’re trying to tell me?

As long as you don’t use the term fake news I will be quite content with whatever you say whether or not I’ve ever heard the words before.

Give me some examples please

Mishap and awry

You have to see them written down and imagine you’ve never seen them before nor have you heard anyone say them and then you realize the problem unless you are very stupid in which case you won’t know if and your life will go on like a wide river flowing down slowly and gently into the sea with no great waves to drown any animals or people who are not being careful

Now I feel sleepy I wonder if I am awake or asleep. Am I really writing the story or am I just imagining it

How could I know?

How would you know that you know or  that you knew,?

Do you know something Annie I think I’ll get married again because when you’re married to a man you don’t have conversations like this do you?

You are so right Mary.

I am so sorry that I am not a man. Evening by try to pretend to be a man I don’t think now my mind would change sufficiently to please you by a totally different kind of conversations not to mention other things that men and women might get up to in private.

Well I think it’s getting a bit late now so why don’t we stop here and then tomorrow we will make a new start

Can we make some new year resolutions ?

Well we can but we should think very carefully first and then we should think even more carefully afterwards.

Oh this is getting on my nerves why do we have to keep thinking all the time?

Do cats think;do eagle think?

Isn’t it wonderful that there are so many questions that don’t have any answers in the system in which we are enmeshed?

Now just stop that We’ve already had one Wittgenstein. I’m not sure if the world can take another one.

The best thing I’m going to do tomorrow is making a cake from a very old recipe that was handed down to me from my grandmother. And it’s got lots of ground almonds in it which are very nutritious as well as being delicious

That’s the best idea you’ve had tonight

My New Year resolution is to start to make cakes again at home and then to invite our friends around on Sunday afternoon to eat them

Well what else could they do with them?

And so say all of us

We once had a doctor called Brown

Who was teased by the men of the town

They could not see sense

As they counted the pence

Which left Gordon Brown with a frown