Day: April 11, 2025

Is this a dummy which I see before me?

While Mary sat in the kitchen on a large pine chair looking at Hotter’s latest shoe catalogue,Annie was creeping up the garden path in a pair of turquoise suede elegantly heeled shoes matching her teal tencel culottes and blouse.Round her neck was a large lump of amber on a gold chain handy for beating off muggers or lustful men and women
Despite the heat she was in full splendour with golden beige tinted moisturiser from Langone of Lyons on her lovely complexion,pink eyeshadow from Yves St Current and dark brown boot polish as her mascara had run out and she’d not been out for a while to buy more
Annie ran the last few yards and darted like an eel into Mary’s 1970’s orange kitchen.
What on earth are you doing,dear? Mary asked her.Those shoes look unsuitable for leading anyone up the garden path.Mind you,I do like them
Oh,I’ll explain,Annie said huskily.
I told that psychotherapist across the road I was living with you.
What exactly do you mean by living,Mary asked anxiously.
Well,he said yesterday that anyone who lives alone must be lacking in some way.Except for him of course as he had full analysis with Alfred Zion.
You mean Wilfred Bion,Mary told her.
Zion,Bion,what’s the difference?
It shows your lack of education,Mary told her.Not that education nowadays makes much difference when almost anyone can get a 2.2
.After all would you pay £90,000 for a fourth class degree in Aeronautical Engineering?
And Zion is in the Bible
That’s not quite what I would have done, said Annie.A degree in flirtation and pleasing men would be more up my street.And cooking of course although I once did have an interest in Hebrew and Aramaic.
It’s not a way to progress in a neo-liberal economy,although reading the Hebrew Bible is always interesting.Personally I prefer that to the New Vex-a man.The stories,the love songs,the action.Mary’s round eyes gleamed with intellectual life and a bit of languorous lust
How about God? Annie asked her.
He seems to have changed as he related to his people.But he was a friend despite being an abstract concept.Though one could hardly call him a concept as he is inconceivable.
Mary’s voice faltered as she was stunned by her own articulacy and wondered what she might say next that could offend millions around the globe with modern technology beinf so widespread
You should write a book,Annie said kindly.
I think I am ill-equipped to write about God.And ,also ,I am saddened to see how his own people have been treated.I can’t dwell on it over much as I already feel weak and weepy.
Why what have you been doing,asked Annie.
I have been sorting out clothes to give to the hospice shop. I’ve got a big bag
full already and 2 bags of newspapers and rubbish of various kinds which somehow creeps into my bedroom… tissues,cotton wool, old hairbrushes.I am hoping to get it nice and neat before my sister comes to see me in August.And no doubt she will not be happy even then.She’d like me to buy a small new flat with a lovely bathroom and kitchen. But I don’t want to leave my neighbours behind.If I won the lottery I could get the neighbours to move as well.Love thy neighbour etc
And now I realise I have far too many pans despite burning several.But it’s a big decision for a woman who was famed for entertaining friends with scorching Beef Vindaloo and lemon mousse that looked like yellow rubber.Giving that up is a big wrench.
Why can’t you carry on, asked Annie.
Carrying on is precisely why I can’t do it.Now I am a widow the wives of my former colleagues and my own women friends are afraid I will steal their husbands.
Emile miaowed in ecstasy as any talk about the love lives of his family were always intriguing.He was hiding as usual behind the stone flour bin.
Don’t you see,said Annie.If we pretend we are living together then you can mingle with men without suspicion.
This is beginning to sound like a spy story,Mary told her.And do not drag me into a character part in the play based on your romantic love for that psychoanalyst.
He looks ugly and boring to me.
Oh,that’s just a projection,Annie told her.You are defending yourself against acknowledging how much you long to lie in his arms and let him smother you in kisses.
Well,said Mary,I see you have been reading Freud for beginners again.
Or is it Freud for Dummies?
Mary recalled how nice her dummy used to taste when it was dipped into a jar of malt and codliver oil.Maybe that is the answer,she thought.
I’m going to Mothercare,she called as she ran out of the house in her green trainers and denim trouser suit.See you later.
Annie sat in the kitchen wondering how soon she could see the psychoanalyst again without being accused of sexual harassment.Even old age has not deterred her from seeking a replacement for dear old Stan.A few tears ran down her cheek and Emile jumped out and sat on her knee.

Stan has a perplexing day

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[Image by my sister]

Stan was standing on a small step ladder washing his windows yet again with a clean blue microfibre and elastane cloth and some windolene he had bought in Tesco’s
I don’t know why I bother,he whispered to Emile, who as usual was watching from the back of the sofa,which he was “milking” gently with his paws.
With all the rain,the outside of the windows was besmirched by leaves and bits of mud.A  wiser man  might have left it alone but Stan had O.C.D which made him very nervous if he failed to carry out certain tasks… so he made use of it in house chores and baking perfect cakes and buns..and in taking  photos of frogs,birds and flowers.Neurosis can be useful sometimes.
All of a sudden he heard clattering footsteps…
Up the garden path walked two women dressed in the latest style of 3/4 length silk cargo trousers with matching blouses, all in a subtle shade of violet.Except for their faces,of course,which were both a light shade of beige and they had Revlon peach blusher on their cheeks with Chanel scarlet lipstick…on their lips.They also wore dark blue nail varnish from Rimmel
“Good morning,Stan!” called one of them.”We are Annie’s ‘s cousins from Pittsburgh.She told us to call on you today.”
“Well,I never knew wearing expensive makeup ran in the genes… can there be any other explanation?”Stan asked stupidly.
“Annie told us we must wear it all the time in the UK.” she responded,”even in bed.”
“You seem a bit fast,” he answered,
“I’m not sure I want to go to bed and as you seem like identical twins,which of you should I bed?”
They burst out laughing….oh,what a strange  noise that seemed to this sweet old man
“I was just saying what she told us,not meaning that you need to go to bed with us.In fact, we sleep together at night.”
“As children that would be normal,but don’t you think you should separate now?People might think you are gay!”
“We never worry about stuff like that… and by the way,this is Ruby and I am Rosie.”
“I’ll put on the kettle and make you some coffee,” the dear and anxious  man said in a kind tone of voice,before he went into the kitchen and swallowed a handful of red and green striped valium tablets.
“I wish the psychiatrist would give me some therapy.I don’t like taking valium but I seem to be having visions again… and I don’t want to get worse..I never heard Annie mention cousins in the USA. I wonder if CBT would help me?” he said to Emile.
“I see visions all the time,” the cat replied in a matter of fact and calm way.
“Do they not make you feel anxious?”Stan called.
“No,I just watch them drift by,” purred Emile.”I enjoy them.”
“I wish these two women would drift off.”responded the weary yet charming  Stan.

Ruby and Rosie came inside and admired the kitchen where colanders in many colours hung from the wall into which someone had knocked a few dozen nails.
“”Why do you have sixteen colanders?”asked Rosie.
“Why do you think everything has a reason?”Stan replied.
“I can see you studied philosophy,” Ruby cried disconsolately as she loved an argument
“No,I have just read Ray Monk’s Life of Wittgenstein eight times,” he quipped merrily.
“Wow,is it not boring?” they murmured softly like two doves in spring time
“No.it’s so good it put me off reading lesser books.And I love to understand things,”
Just then Stan tripped on the rug and fell over. unconscious.
.Emile picked up his mobile with its full Qwerty key pad and texted 999.
“Why are you texting?”asked Ruby.
“Well,it difficult to mioaw down a phone and now I have this Blackberry it’s so easy…. why even a mouse could do it.”
“Do you know many mice,Emile?” enquired Ruby wistfully as she felt very lonely at times
Rosie slowly made some instant coffee, walking around poor Stan ,unconscious on the floor…and she and her twin sat down on some white Swedish chairs at the old oak table and drank it,gazing shyly at the huge weigelia blooming outside in the shed.
The front door opened and in ran Dave,the bisexual paramedic.
“Is it you,Emile.Have you lost your hankie again.Are you sad?” he moaned nervously.
“No,it’s Stan… but at least he’s not broken the chair”
Stan came too and looked up. at Dave.
“Oh, lovely,I feel much better for that nap” he said brightly as he was such a positive person..
“Don’t you have a bed to sleep in?” said Ruby querulously.”I like your mean expression,my dear man.”
“Now,look here said Stan,”I’m too old for any monkey business. Besides,I don’t know if you are real.”
“We just wondered why you slept on the floor.”
“A man has to do what a man has to do,” came the mystifying response.
“Now that Dave is here,he can take one of you and I’ll take the other.”
“Where will you take us”the twins asked delightedly.
“Do you fancy the cinema… they are showing Monsieur Hulot’s Holiday”
“Don’t tell me he’s still on his summer holiday!” riposted Ruby
“Let’s go in the ambulance.I’ll lie on the stretcher” offered Rosie generously..
“I’ll lie by you,”said Dave.” and Emile can drive.Stan and Ruby can lie on the floor.”
Sometimes life seems so simple,it’s rather like a dream controlled..
Controlled by what,asked Emile,clutching his Blackberry.
But answer came there none…
And that was very odd because.. they’d vanished every one…
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If only cats would tell

After hours of rumination Mary decided that she would make herself a new hat for the winter. It only took one ounce of mohair,she read in her Wild Knitting book.

Of course we’d have to buy some new knitting needles in a size 5 and a size 6.5 millimeters. That was her thought ml

Still they would be an investment in her future where she saw herself wearing a mohair coat as well.

What about a poncho she pondered?

And they would make good presents for people, the little hats.

(That’s how Northern people speak they put the subject at the end of the sentence)

As she was eating her lunch she saw a cat at the top of the apple tree.

But was it just a cat? It was very large wity thick grey fur and a broad grey tail.

Even after distance its eyes looked orange.

Could it be a demon  released during the riots we recently enjoyed in Britain?

She wondered if the tree was strong enough for this large animal. Well I’m not going to get the ladder out just for somebody else’s cat it is a cat she muttered to herself in a kindly manner.

Because Mary had been reading that the main cause of all illnesses is hostility!

Especially if you are hostile to yourself which is something that used to be encouraged in children to keep them submissive.

Well I think I’ll go and have a bath,Mary said to Emile who was asleep in a basket.

And then I can use my new Elizabeth Arden bluegrass deodorant . That should keep me safe but from what?

But is it a deodorant or is it an antiperspirant?

We will have to see but she has read that stopping perspiration is a mistake.

How lovely it is to have hot water in the house and not to have to boil the kettle to wash your hair. Waiting for the kettle to boil on a  coal fire is rather tedious especially for teenagers.While Mary was in the bath, she heard the front door open but she was not alarmed because it was probably her neighbour Annie.

After a few minutes she heard a hand on the bathroom door and in stepped a man of about her own age.

What do you think you’re doing she said to him sternly.

Well I needed to go to the toilet and I’ve just got home so naturally I have come to the bathroom.

But this is not your home said. Mary

Well my key fitted into the door and if your key fits the door surely that must be your home.

Yes that seems likely yet there is a strong probability  but maybe  the locksmith in the main road here has made a mistake and had two locks with the same key fitting them.

Do you think he planned that? Are you and the locksmith in league to commit some crimes?

I’m terribly sorry said the man but if I was a criminal I wouldn’t have come into the bathroom and let you see my face. I would just have gone the room is downstairs looking for computers televisions and anything else that had some value.

I suppose that’s true said Mary well in any case don’t you realize it’s embarrassing for me to be naked in front of a stranger?

Well I’m a doctor I’m used to seeing people with no clothes on

Go downstairs and go into the hall where you will see a door into the cloak room where there is a toilet and the wash basin and then you can satisfy your needs wash your hands and then you can go into the kitchen and put the kettle on to make a cup of tea for me when I have dressed again

You can have one as well if you like.

Thank you said the man you a very hospitable woman.

He said his name was Alexander Bruges before he headed away to find the cloakroom

What road do you live in Mary asked  as they drank the tea.

I think it’s on the other side of the park it’s called Cedar Lane.

Anywhere tomorrow I will go to the locksmith and tell him about what has happened to us today and ask him to put a new lock on my door.

That’s very sensible

st Mary and prudent in case I should inadvertently  head to your house.

Do you think he will charge you since it’s his fault?

Well he buys these keys and locks from the manufacturer he doesn’t make them himself but he can complain to them about it and get the money back from them it he is not happy.

Considering the violence with experienced in Britain recently in riots and verbal aggression not to mention try to set hotels full of asylum seekers on fire it is very nice to meet someone decent.

And by the way do you know what this big grey animal is in my garden?

The animal was now peering through the kitchen door.

Could it be a demon Mary enquired nervously.

No it’s an American cat.

I believe it’s a Mayne coon.

Were they living in the United States before our people went over there and stole the land from the Indian peoply

Do you know I haven’t got the faintest idea Alexander said politely but you can look yourself on Google.

The cat was now uttering somewhat plaintive cries.

I wonder what is wrong with that cat

Surely  he doesn’t want to use the bathroom as well!

That’s right there’s going to be a queue for it.

Well I will have to go home now Alexander told Mary but I will make a note of your door number and I will come around and put it invitation through your door to invite you to a meal. I’m quite good at cooking.

Yes my husband was good at cooking but he mostly made the savoury dishes because he thought that puddings and a lot more needed the female touch.

What about jellies Alexander said pleasantly. I have made orange jellies with great success.

Well you know if you are sensitive to the feelings of the oranges as you cut them up then I think your jelly will turn out okay.

But if you attack the oranges with the carving knives I think you will be a failure and you might even harm yourself as well by accident.

Remember hostility is the main cause of disease especially cancer and heart trouble.

Well we live and learn Alex said as he opened the door. Life will be very boring if we stop learning.

Well mother said Emile congratulations on getting a new man without even joining a date site.

What can cats know about such things she cried nonchalantly

The little cat did not speak but he knew that human beings would be very surprised if he revealed everything that cats know.