Stan and his sweet blonde girlfriend Anne were studying government data on inflation.He wanted to give a lecture for senior citizens.

Why are you wearing those smart wool trousers and black tights,darling? he enquired kindly.

Well,it’s the the fashion dear heart, and more modest than a mini skirt for if I bend over I’m protected.Her answer seemed ludicrous With her sweet bosom,hips and tight clothing it was hard for Anne to give any semblance of modesty.

Wouldn’t a maxi skirt be modest?I saw some in Marks last week.I bought one for Mary

Do you often buy her clothes? Annie asked with surprise.

She used to do it once  …. but she stopped because she’s hopeless at dressing.She’d go out in pyjamas left to herself

Well,silk jim jams are the summer fashion this year.

Can I have some,please? miaowed   the cat,Emily.

You already have some silk nightgowns…

Do you really buy nightgowns for the cat?asked Anne incredulously

Well she sleeps with me now you know,as I like to hear someone breathing at night.Mary  is downstairs studying algebra.She only needs three hours sleep.And she has no interest in loving me.It’s a puzzle how she bore our two daughters Lyra and Desiree.She says she found them under a gooseberry bush, but they look very like Bill Clinton.

Was Bill fond of gooseberry bushes too?They have big thorns.

He would not let a few thorns put him off…he’s a very tough man.

What about goats’ horns.. would they put him off? Or Matterhorns?

Let’s get back to statistics,my beloved,Stan murmured foolishly

I’ll just boil the kettle,my lambkin

I prefer boiling  the water 

Stan  was famed for his wacky sense of humor………….amongst the friends of theirs who all taught maths or played cricket for England.Annie  walked away looking charming in her black wool city shorts with shiny patent leather boots.Her chest distracted him as she wore only a yellow vest.

Have you not got a cardigan ,darling,he whispered shyly.

No,the moths ate it but I’m going shopping later she muttered

.I hope you’ll wear a coat.You might catch a chill,he said anxiously

Fret not,,I’ll drive down.Annie screamed
.You are 55 now you know…you are not a girl.Modesty is a wise trait for mature ladies. Modesty………I gave that up years ago.I dress how I feel.

Well,you make me want a feel.Suddenly the leg fell of his chair and it collapsed tossing him onto the floor
,As he lay there he muttered sarcastically,

I blame those trousers of yours! Call 999.

She tore off her trousers to reveal some black silky lace flowered underwear

Is that better? she enquired chastely .

I suggest you get tested forAsperger’s syndrome,he shouted petulantly

I have enough trouble with Tourette’s she whispered tenderly.It makes me say bad words…………..

I’ve never heard you.What sort of words?

Like, “Be off,you silly twit.”

That sounds funny to me.he responded sweetly.

Can you tell me some more bad words?

No I can’t,you dolt!

Why not,my angel?

Well,isn’t this a family friendly web site?

Nowadays,what does family mean?Two ladies who love one another and their child fathered by the cat.

I never knew it was the cat.I’ve often wondered about that.Emily purred happily as she was hoping to have kittens soon with her boyfriend Emile who was in the garden.

Look it’s tea time.I hear Mary ‘s bike.Get up off the floor and get a hammer I can mend that chair.

Wow,you are so clever……we men are unneeded now! Stan informed her ironically.

Don’t be silly.I love you,the dearest.Thanks you so much…it’s good to hear those sweet words.  meant I want the dearest maxi skirt as a reward,she said saucily.

Women,Stan thought wryly. Can’t live with them;can’t live without them.Go and put on your nightdress Emily.Warm up the bed.I’m having an early night.

Quick,get up.Mary  is here.she’ll imagine the worst if she sees you on the floor

,I know what you do on that rug,you little minx! t was Mary who had crept in in her bare feet.Look at you,no shoes!How vulgar.You look like a fraction!

Better than looking like a decimal!

Now,said Stan,have a cup of tea and then we can have a sit down on the rug and study algebra and geometry.

What a nice man he is!Why is Annie so keen on decimals see my next instalment… when I can carry on again

The branches are on graceful like my hair when it needs cutting

They’re moving in the wind as if to as if to indicate .. they do not like roots

The wind has no rhythm it’s no it’s not regular

And so the leaves like fronds move in irregular motion

Clouds are white again but don’t look settled.

I suppose good Friday is an uneasy day even for non-believers.

It is rather startling that some Jewish peasant man is still remembered after 2024 years.

There must have been something different about him.

He knew what we should do but we don’t know how to become capable of doing it.

And the land is written with warfare and death

A cruel .. a very cruel development where children die and there is no water to drink

But no one will get in and now the Jews of Israel have become like people everywhere

Too much affected by politics and corrupt politicians

I suppose we didn’t think a Jewish state would be like this.

But what could it be like?

It seems like you’ve got to fight and even to kill just to reserve your own safery and how safe is it really?

Children having a nightmares with no secure base,

With no security attachment

With no good enough mother

Lost in transitional space.

After all it’s meant to be transitional.

Either go mad or kill somebody or drive them mad.

Doesn’t seem to be much peace around at the moment

At this moment in time

At the time of which we speak

At the precise hour of 3 p.m. when Jesus died on the cross

Was that the moment in time which. nobody registered

He could have fallen from the sky and nobody would have noticed.

I think someone did once but the shepherds kept on looking after the lambskin

Some might be waking up by a nuclear bomb

I think I can see one coming

Mary stood in the kitchen wondering why the floor was so dirty.It looked as of a plant pot had fallen over and flung its compost wildly outwards.Emile was standing on his
hind legs pretending he could dance.
Emile, did you knock over a pot,Mary cried?
I’ve never seen a plant pot here, he replied honestly with a hint of dramatic irony
Oh,well.I’ll make some tea,Mary murmured loudly as of dropping a hint to her late husband,Stan.
She was wearing a red fleece dressing gown and slippers as she ran upstairs
to read the Sun.
Suddenly, before she got to the top, her doorbell rang
In ran Dave, the bisexual paramedic, wearing his new dress and top hat
What’s wrong,Mary asked petulantly?
I was just passing and thought I heard a strange noise.His nose dripped like a tap with no washer
Have you got a cold,Emile asked?
Yes, but I am not selling it
Do people sell illnesses?
Yes, some buy polio germs and send tbem with Xmas Cards
To whom, asked Annie, who was in the porch shivering
Their enemies., of course
Well, after Brexit we might all be paralysed as half wanted to leave and half didn’t
Since the average reading age in Britain is 9 years most of us could not understand the information we were given.To read The Guardian you need a reading age of 14.
That explains a lot,said Mary morosely.How can I teach non linear algebra to people who can’t even read the Wailing Nail?
It sounds like the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem
A nail is not a wall, said Emile furtively.
Annie was wearing some shortie pajamas with cats printed all over
which went well with her amber eyes and long nails,
Can I borrow some Weetabix, she asked Mary? I’ll return it
Please don’t, Mary cried in horror.I have 3 packs of Weetabix Protein here
Do you eat them often,Annie teased her?
As often as possible!
Dave was washing Emile’s feet to practise for Maundy Thursday.
Are you Jesus, he asked Dave?
How can I be Jesus and Dave the paramedic at the same time?
Well, if you believe in the Trinity I see no problem
Emile, you are so clever.Noone would believe a cat was so brilliant
Well,said Emile, maybe I am not just a cat,; his amber eyes turned cerulean blue with joy

I blundered rightlyl and out loud

When giving lectures, paying bills

When at a seance I met my host

Kissing on the windowsill

We ate a steak, and a cream tea

Making love by memory

His family were  well endiwed

And yet  he never made a will

And every day he burned the toas

My tranquilizers made me  chill

The cakes were faked beside the sea

While we made love on the TV

I lead my pupils with heads bowed

Beneath the red brick cotton mill

And so it was we saw the ghosts

And spirits wrote with their long quills.

Beneath the cake, we saw frogs freeze

Cats enchanted by the trees.

Thank you very much to all my readers and friends here

I can’t tell you how much it means to me while I’m going through these difficult times to have people reading my  offerings.

I’ve just had the physiotherapist here and despite having rheumatoid arthritis and various other health problems she is very impressed by how strong I am

And I am surprised because I’ve not been doing a lot of exercise and have not been walking about outdoors for two months. So I am puzzled. But I do know that at one time I was very deficient in vitamin d and it was only when I got put on some massive doses that I was able to learn to walk again.

And that makes me think about an article recently in the guardian newspaper saying that the number of people being taken to hospital in in Britain because of vitamin deficiencies has risen a lot in the last year.

Wherever you are please try to eat a good diet and do whatever exercise you can because we’re all need each other and we may not see each other but we’re interacting online and in other ways and I’d like to pass on this useful information.

And if for some reason you have to stop leading a normal life don’t doubt that you can start again if you are determined and if you can get help from physiotherapists and other people

https://www.writerscookbook.com/different-forms-of-poetry/

Strange how many random heaps of clothes and other oddments

Turn into a sinister hiding place for something feared yet unknown

Why is it so, why not a hope of joy if something magnificent hiding?

I do not know I cannot tell you

There’s always a fear that the mother you’re looking for is a black witch with fangs

Yet you can’t give up hope.

And yet there is fear

So do not criticize my house when you visit me because you do not know the terrors I live with

you do not know how brave I am to be alive

Living with these monstrous possibilities.

Like how a bedroom in the dark becomes a stage for terror or horror

And the creaks on the staircase terrify you as you go to sleep bringing you up after the deepness into a startled alertness.

Something is coming slowly and surely for you and you will not survive

Yet in the daytime we go on living as if everything is normal

This is normal

I must be vigilant because somewhere sometimes some day the monster will return

I must not be taken by surprise again.

Even the faces of loved ones can turn evil in the night in the darkness and we have to cling to the end of the bed and keep breathing until the dawn breaks

And it’s so late in this midwinter seaso

how darkness fells us

How the uncertain sun rises reluctantly into the new year

And we hope for something good

Surrender to the chaos

For me, the thing that keeps the overwhelm at bay most of the time is not to be organised – I just prioritise what is important and wing it! Gone are the days of batch cooking, constant cleaning, organising and planning; I no longer have the energy. The house is a mess most days, but my kids are clean, fed and prioritised. Me-time is back, whether it’s with a nap, binge-watching TV or taking a walk in nature. I’ve learned to surrender to the chaos and enjoy what really matters. Sarah Ryan, Cork, Ireland

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jan/01/make-a-much-shorter-to-do-list-15-quick-simple-ways-to-avoid-overwhelm?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Other

The Pilchards.23,Sweetnames AvenueKnittinghamNear Nottingham.England

Dear Jane

Hope you are keeping well in this unusually cold spring weather.Stan has had flu.It made him so bad tempered and waspishthat I took up the Duraglit polish and got him to polish all the brass,except the front door knob, as that doesn’t come off.Mind you,it made the bedroom smell odd… a mistake,perhaps…so I sprinkled lavender oil around.He seems to get thinner and I seem to get fatter.So our average w eight remains constant.What a relief.I’d like to be weighed as a married woman.Can you believe this..I’ve got chilblains! It’s those dratted blood vessels of mine.Still,I polished some old plum colored leather and wear them in the house.We seem to be doing polishing frequently here.. boots,furniture,apples.How is your new book “Nonsense:A.N.Whitehead and Lewis Carroll” coming on?Hope it’s progressing….to a nonsensical ending.I’ve got a new book of poetry coming out in April[from Polar bears publishers]It’s called,”An unpolished performance.”My fourth book on Wittgenstein’s cats is almost finished.And the publishers can’t wait for the photographs…I’ll get a friend to do those for me!!It gives me a change from all that polishing.I’ve begun to talk to myself out loud…. in the street.Just seeing if I can still do my old Lancashire accent.I suppose it might worry people but no one has said anything as yet.They may be afraid.”That which is unsaid can,nevertheless,still be heard.Stan is still involved romantically with Anne, our next door neighbor.I can’t blame him as chilblains and Wittgenstein not very romantic.When I think of how we used to be,it makes me smile and feel sadness too.I wonder if I can find someone new for a romance,myself… someone with Asperger’s syndromepossibly…as I’ve just been diagnosed.It’s quite common in mathematicians.It may be anadvantage in concentrating a lotI need a boyfriend with weak eyes as my clothes are all full of moth holesand I’m damned if I’m going to buy new ones.I can’t see well enough to darn but I’ve sewn the holes up neatly thusgiving a strange pleated effect to my clothes.On my merino wool knitted trousers, one hole was right on the ass.It looks now as if I’ve been shot in the rear…but I can’t see it.So it does not exist.Sometimes in the past I would iron on those motifs likebutterflies…butI think it would look odd having a butterfly just there…. or indeedanything else like wild rose.I could make a little sign saying”Keep clear,from my rear.This is a hole where a moth scored a goal.”Still,not many people are going to look there now I hope….I seem to have stopped knitting but am still drawing.Meantime I’ve just ironed some of my winter clothes as it’s still chilly..and am planning to iron all my pink and blue knickers nowas I believe it kills any germs left when you wash at 30 deg.I got those colours in case I shouldchange sex or is it gender?I wonder if I should iron the sheets?Could I do it while they are on the bed?I don’t wash them much as it wears them out and me too.I am going to take up baking again because Stan is getting so thin.I fancy a Russian cheesecake as it had a lot of protein in it.I have a genuine Russian cookbook and also am waiting for a delivery of aJewish cookery book as I have lost mine..no it fell down onto my head last week.God only knows where that came from.but I believe there were good cheesecakes as Jewish cooking has much incommon with Russian,perhaps because once many Jews lived in Russia.I justmade friends with one here….he is charming and like me he hates golf.I have got almost all the Penguin cookery books ever printed but mislaid afew.In fact it’s quite hard to get into the kitchenwith all these books on the shelves.And a little food.I was comforted to read that the parent’s of John Burra,the artist,had books piled every where in their large house….and he was very untidy too.So all I need is talent and practice and I’ll be an artist.After all,anyone can be untidy but not everyone will practice their Art.I’d like to practice the arts of love.They say you should love your neighbor as yourself,but personally I prefer the neighbor or even the milkman to myself.Meanwhile I’m happy with Emile our catand my 500 photos of Wittgenstein.I shall make Stan a lemon sponge pudding.That is the love he wants…Food.”If music be the food of love I’ll cohabit with a pure white dove.
And while he coos and sings for me.
I’ll try not to :fall out of the tree,
Get stung by a bee,
Have psychotherapy
Make more enemies,
Let my thought free,
Hurt my knee.
Let moths frighten me.Well,time for some tea.Now Jane, please write to me soon.I love to see your so strangely beautiful handwritingand to hear about Whitehead and Cambridge and all the weird dons.I hope it’s not too damp and cold there near that river.Keep warm and make a note of any intriguing happenings to relate to me.And anything beautiful you can see or hear.I hope Edward is writingregularly..where is he doing his research now… did you say Stanford?Maybe you should install Skype..then again,perhaps not as you would have towash your hair too much… and comb it too…perhaps we could wear wigs.Do write soon,Love always,Mary.

 
I wish I were an apple I wish I were an apple
and you were eating me
I’d like to make you happy
As you sat by this tree.
I wish I were a blackbird
So I could sing for you.
I’d like to make you cheerful
And stop you feeling blue.
I wish I were the sun
So I cold warm your frozen heart.
And then your heart would melt for me
And you would be less tart.
I wish I were the moon
so I could protect you all night long.
But being only me may I
Present you with this song?Why 1.Why is denim now a sign of conformity not rebellion?
2.Where are the best jeans from?
3.Should you wear “double denim”?
4. Why is denim too hot for summer and too cold for winter and yet we wear it anyway?
5.Why don’t most people wear winter coats nowadays?
6.Why are the shops so hot they make one feel sick
7.How shopping makes me feel sick and other ways of saving money.
8.Why did the Russians have the best novelists?
9.Is 8. true?
10.Is life worthwhile?
11.What does 10.mean
12.Who can come up with the best ideas for small talk?
13.Food processors…are they a good thing to own?
14.Did you see the second version of Dr Zhivago?
15.Why is Russian Orthodox liturgy so moving?
16.Have you been to Walsingham?
17.Do you like day trips on a coach?
18.Why is fish and chips our national dish.
19.Why is roast beef our national dish.
20.Do other nations have fish and chips?
21 Is rapeseed oil any use for chip frying?
22.What an odd name rapeseed is.
23.Did Einstein eat chips?
24.Is your skin sensitive?
25.Why do women wear deodorants but men don’t usually bother?
25.Do you need suncream in the winter?
26.How many grains of sand are there on Brighton beach?
27.Why is the sea at Hythe sometimes teal
28.Why are the Saxon cliffs in Kent a mile from the sea?
29.Can the Kent authorities move the cliffs back near the sea again.
30 Isn’t it odd that the railway line runs at the bottom of the cliffs near Folkstone as the tide might come up
as a train goes by?
31,Is this small talk?

I muttered as I spoke out loud

I wrote my diary, made my will

Then more than once the oak tree bowed

Unto the red brick cotton mill

Singing as I walked along

I lured the men folk from their dogs

I wonder if my acts were wrong

I sat down on the oak tree log.

Should we do what others want?

Should we please ourselves alone?

Should the foxes mankind Hunt

Kill us with a brick or stone?

Who should make the laws we keep

And who should try the criminal?

Do not let this harm your sleep

Or masquerade as liminal

I wonder lightly as I dream

Do not awake me with a scream

This year is perfect, it’s sublime

I offer you my words and rhymes

https://www.penguin.co.uk/articles/childrens-article/different-types-of-poetry-for-kids