Last Christmas you gave me a blue knitted hat

It’s very soft and kind to my head

I like it very much.

This Christmas you were no longer here.

I felt sad because of the empty spaces around me

But I’m glad I have got the blue hat

When I go out into the frost it will be as if you are touching me gently with your hand.

I can see you now, your long slender figure.

Your hands and feet you thought were stubby

You envied mine

You would not envy  them now deformed by arthritis and overuse

I never got into that female mode of wanting something more feminine than what I already had

I was puzzled when other students ask me how I kept so thin

I thought it was bad to be so thin

I didn’t know about fashion and style and all the other things but you did,didn’t you my sister?

I’m glad I didn’t know because comparisons and envy can harm the soul and the heart

Things happen for more mysterious reasons.

That’s my personal opinion.

I don’t think a man loved me because I had long thin hands

I could be wrong but that’s what you wanted and you were sad because you thought your hands were ugly

Nothing that was yours was ugly.

Even your eyes which were green you thought were not so beautiful as mine

And now you are gone and I can’t tell you.

So much I can’t tell you I’m so much I can’t ask you about.

There was something half closed or hidden

I didn’t  press you to reveal yourself

I think that’s a mistake but no I’m sorry because you were like a flower that wasn’t quite open and I feel sad even though you are no longer here

But where are you anyway?

I have received apologies from the dead six months after they died but now it is nine months for you and you have not appeared to me.

I’m so sorry that you died of the same thing that your dad died from when you were six years old

You did tell me that you’d always been afraid since then that you would get the same disease. I have no idea of your suffering

I wish I had known. He was my father as well.

You didn’t even remember him. You wanted to but you didn’t.

So why did you get the same disease?

There is no answer

What’s the most important thing to take into hospital with you?

My phone charger.

What not your toothbrush?

You can’t charge your phone with a toothbrush

You can’t clean your teeth with a phone charger either although you could use some tissue paperm

But suppose you have a heart attack?

I might have to ring 999.

If you’re capable of using your phone it seems unlikely that you’ve had a heart attack.

That depends on the person and how polite they are.

What’s politeness got to do with it?

You’ll find out one day

You want to keep it secret

Because it’s embarrassing that’s all

What else would you take with you to the hospital

My phone my toothbrush my comb

What about your boyfriend?

Only if it’s a mixed ward.

Do you think the beds will  be wide enough  for 2 people?

They might have to sleep on top of each other.

I don’t think the doctor would like that

Let’s change the subject. Which book would you take with you?

The penguin v book of comic versem

How ironic

No that’s a separate book ; irony is not the same as comedy

Sometimes irony can be funny

My goodness you are so intelligent. Have you ever taken an IQ test?

Yes the 11 plus

What did you get?

85

You must be very clever to be able to do maths at university with such a low IQ

It’s not that low’

half the population have an IQ of less than a hundred

Half the population have a height less than  the average also.

Short and intellectual stunted and that’s just half the population 😄

Is it less than or equal to?

I can see that you did maths or statistics

The probability is greater than or equal to a half.

But a half of what?

They don’t tell you that even at Oxford

Did you not ask them?

No they are very cruel.

Once they said to me I don’t believe someonewith your intelligence does not understand  infinite sequences and series

So I replied strangely if I could explain why I don’t understand infinite series and sequences then I would understand it wouldn’t I?

That is the paradox that we were always trying to escape from

But maybe it’s the paradox that’s the most important thing in life whether it’s in intellectual subjects or it’s the paradox of living with other people who claim to love you but also seem to hate you something that cannot be avoided

It’s  as if life is in a big knot has been tied in the world and we can’t undo it

So the most important thing in life is learning how to live with paradoxes even though you would never know that that is what you were doing

So you can live a good life without knowing what you’re doing

That is what I believe but if you do know what you’re doing you can also explain it to other people though they may not thank you for it.

That’s the other paradox that you try to help people and it makes them angry.

I suppose we are all insecure to some degree

That’s why we keep trying these knots

Thank you very much Professor Blogge

Don’t mention it

Alright I won’t mention it Thank you very much

I found the charger for my mobile phone

It’s super fast what did I do before?

I guess it’s part of any real smart home.

I feel it’s virtue deep within my bones

Once it was the oak tree I adored

The little path the cat walked on at night

And once it was the carpet on the floor.

The joy of children running with a kite.

But then I was invaded by new tech

The phone is not a phone it’s so much more

A computer in my hand, a crooked neck

And then I  knew I  had become a bore

Surely these fast charges are not gods

What is going on inside our heads?