Mary buys x pairs of trousers[ for all those people who tell me they are afraid of x,y and z
Mary goes shopping for trousers. Let number of pairs of trousers bought = x If Mary has £60 and price of trousers=£12 How many pairs of trousers can Mary buy? 12x =60 6x=30 3x=15 1x =5
Usually we leave out the 1 and write x=5 QED
So Mary can buy 5 pairs of trousers.This is algebra Is it sensible to buy 5 pairs of identical trousers? That is not mathematics.It might be common senses,ethics,foolishness or wisdom. That is a more complex question like this one ” Save money:buy 2 get one free” when you don’t even need one!
Further,should Mary draw her life savings out and buy 1,000 pairs of trousers? Clearly not so where should she draw the line? Because ladies get tired of their clothes and how long is Mary going to live? And she is depriving 999 other ladies of a pair of trousers as well.That is worth thinking about but it’s not mathematics,is it? From this we can conclude that algebra is easier than other problems we deal with.Don’t say maths is hard! It’s easier than ethics and morals and wisdom Amen Now we will pray for all those we have offended on FB today!
Titles of online articles I have seen [I have not read them ]
Why your organs shrink at menopause and what you can do about it Do we want to?
How to handle things.[what sort of things}
Why or how your finger length reveals your gender [Surely easier just to look at the bosom/ chest?}
Which microwave to buy [Making unstated assumptions;some of us either have none or may have stolen one]
Why you need both metal and silicon whisks [I thought it was breasts just for a moment; now there’s an idea]
Why you need to keep lots of frozen pasta in your kitchen [Try turning off the radiator first and checking the ovens]
Which six cookery books are the best? [Look up restaurants on your smartphone instead] I wonder how many this person has checked.I find ones written for catering colleges are better and cheaper.
Why you should never take a bath [I find a handbag is quite sufficient in the daytime].
How to entertain at home. [Fall out of bed?]
How to keep your husband happy [Freeze him?]
Why you should never forget your wedding anniversary [Am I married?]
How to have the best number of children
[ Yes, it’s all under our total control]
How to keep your teeth super clean [Stop eating and die?]
Are you bored of sex? [No,I’m bored of London]
How to cure loneliness. [Buy a microwave and some cookery books then invite someone round for a meal]
How to get your bounce back [Buy a dunlopillo mattress?]
Should you take vitamins? [Where to?]
Can you still remember your name [ yes but I won’t tell you]
Now schools open, lockdown comes again Jesus has one shepherd,one wise man Just one beast to keep the family warm And one black sheep to save them all from harm
Nero has one wife whom he will kill So he may have five concubines at will The brother gone, which child will he proclaim After he’s fired all Rome up i HL 0 n great flames?
Oh, Jesus on his Cross must die alone Except for Mary’s spirit and her bones One Roman soldier, Pilate with his lie The men who died with God, all crucified
Filled with joy, the demons prance around In their septic darkness underground
Once I cared for people who were old Who wet themselves and felt the winter cold I gave them baths and washed their backs and fronts Helped them to get dressed and zip their pants
I made them pots of tea and gave them cake I gave them dinner on a china plate I listened to their stories of the past An unknown world of war and terrors vast
And if they cried I’d wipe away their tears Talk to them till sorrow disappeared I’d do the washing up and clean the knives The women missed their being someone’s wife
Now I am old and I have realised I really had no feel for what it’s like.
Oh, mother, father take me back I’ve lived the pain, I ‘ve felt the rack I wanna see Jesus. Take me to that wall they built Let me see where blood’s been spilt I wanna see Jesus. Oh, take me back to where I was The enemy may well be us, Not Jesus. What did all those sermons do? Did they say he was a Jew? Oh, Jesus. Did he want the First Crusade It is his blood the priest creates Lord Jesus. I don’t like the way things are I am getting tired of war Kill Jesus. What has human wisdom done From Wittgenstein to Abraham? Cripes, Jesus! Does research improve our lives As for grants, the scholars strive? Ask Jesus. We may have chemotherapy Radiation, history. Where’s Jesus? You’d think that after all the years We’d have used up all our tears Sweet Jesus. Love your neighbour as yourself Give 10 % of all your wealth Aye, Jesus. Do what’s better, not what’s worse I see another fragrant hearse. It’s Jesus. See the plastic Crucifix See him dying with dry lips Bend your knees, confess your sins Otherwise, the Devil wins Not Jesus. We destroy the good we hate Envy writhes and with pride mates. The progeny will wreck the earth Eden’s burning as drones pass. No, Jesus.No Jesus. Know Jesus.
How beautiful it was when the sun shone And I walked with you,my dear husband, through the gardens. How happy I was to sit with you by the lake and to hear the water from the fountain splash. It's our our favourite music now we cannot visit the sea To hear the tide rush in,then fall sucking on the shingley beach. But I see it in my minds eye. Aldeburgh,the fishing boats go out at sunrise. I awoke early and saw the sun across the sea and the boats setting out in the soft light. Dunwich,the heath filled with birds the cliff and the beach where sometimes one can find marble from one of the many churches washed away by the encroaching sea. And Southwold,the marsh so quiet I heard crickets. We went across the Blyth in the rowing boat And saw the place from which our picture of Walberswick was painted... If only life could be captured,slowed, for a few minutes for us to receive the beauty and hear the sound of the sea The everlasting music of the heart
A few weeks after Annie moved into the house next door to Stan,he met her when he was seeing his wife off to work. Why does your wife not have a car? she enquired suspiciously. She is trying to keep slim,Stan told her. Well,she’s not been very successful,Annie said scientifically. She might be much fatter than she is now if she drove a car,he stated ponderously That’s true,muttered Annie meditatively I am your new next door neighbor.she continued melodiously Yes, my dear, said Stan,I have seen you sunbathing in the garden in your bikini. How come? she asked scientifically. There’s a big hole in the fence. Is it legal to look at women through a hole in the fence? asked Annie curiously.I know it’s illegal to look into their bedroom windows. Is it really,asked Stan nervously,I had no idea. How about women looking at men through a round hole? Oh,they can’t be bothered to do that,she told him charmingly. Well,said Stan,clearing his throat,I think I owe it to myself to tell you that I love you. Wow,you’re quick off the mark,the lady said saucily. What do you mean,you owe it to yourself? Why are you owed anything? I don’t really,said Stan tepidly,I could not think how to word it.I mean I wish to unselfishly love you and admire your ripe body and your cute sense of color.I love your teal trouser suit.And you sing so well in the bath. You didn’t mean you owe it to yourself to take advantage of me? she continued fluently Not unless you want me to take advantage of you,the gallant old man informed her. And you can take advantage of me.I make cakes and biscuits,wholemeal bread and I am training my cat, Emile, to do statistics on an i pad. How extraordinary,Annie whispered.I didn’t know cats had an “I.” let alone pads. Well,they have pads on their paws,he informed her intelligently. True,she said,but where are their I’s? Where are our I’s ?he responded in a manner to rejoice the heart of Mary Midgleyor Susanne Langer two of Stan’s favourite writers on philosophy,logic,symbols and ethics. Not that he practiced the Ethics but he liked to know what he was doing wron A man who seduces women merrily one after the other may have no idea it might be wrong.Neither might the women.Why is it wrong?Surely it’s better than killing people or leaving the lid off the jam all night so the wasps get into the jar? Still,not many men get the chances that Stan got.No-one suspected this kindly,handsome practicing Catholic was a womanizer despite his blue beard,green eyes,white skin and red hair.And his slim yet strong figure clad in navy trousers and white shirts all the year round.Maybe his wife did but she preferred to read Aristotle in bed and dream about mercury… those little silver balls,so cute! Well,as we know,Stan is about to make Annie his mistress but in such a cold wet summer,where can he take her to do the deed? The shed?The public library? Cafe Nero? I owe it to you not to tell you yet.That will give you time to think of a solution for this sweet old man and his naughty but nice neighbor. Like,how about the confessional in the local Church? Whatever next?I owe it to myself to keep it secret as you may come along and spoil the fun. Stan went indoors and washed up in the boiling hot water he kept by him constantly as he owed it to himself to be ready to make a hot drink at any moment he fancied and by gum,he did fancy like no man has ever fancied before.So his daemon tells me. Next time:Why did God create Stan and why does it matter?
The sky is stark ,the air is cool and still The black cat’s run,the birds unflowed all day I sit alone and with some totty pray Ye cast o’ foolish thoughts, you raped my will.
We’ve all enraged the bureaucratic mills Oh frigid purse, I never ought to pay! The sky ‘s a’spark,the air is warm and shrill The saturnine demoted found their way
With this feathered pounce, my sample quill, I cite the cheque and date it for next May. Oh,tit for tat, the tiger’s bed ‘s astray. And now all’re nettled by a harlot’s will The sky ‘s a shark, the air is sharper still.
Mary wore her new garnet red winter coat to go to the dentist and doctor who were in the same building.Unfortunately, it was shorter than her wool skirt, which had a quite few moth holes in it First, she had to see the doctor. Hello dear, how are you getting on without your husband? Can’t you afford a new skirt? He calls now and then.He told me he has bought me a house in Ealing. Did he give you the address? No, but if I am living in Ealing I shall have to change doctors. You can change here if you want to. But I like and respect you, doctor Thank you so much.Very few people ever praise me.And unlike you, many people come here in dirty old clothes. I just got this new coat.I may not have needed it, but ,to me, it is a symbol of wishing to return to life again. That’s a good one.I’d better not tell my wife! Is she quite extravagant? Not really.I suppose there is no absolute level of spending which defines extravagance.What is normal for Princess Kate would not be for my wife.It is I suppose a way of dressing so you look ok for the life you lead and does not get you into debt. Surely you like your wife to look good? As long as she feels good, I don’t mind. Anyway, why did you wish to see me? Well, you don’t come very much so I wanted to see how you were getting on I had a panic attack in the waiting room just now.I got vertigo Are you frightened of me, my dear? No,I really love you, doctor. Shush, that is not allowed I just meant in a Christian sense although you are a Hindu.But when it comes down to it all religions are about compassion and love if we look carefully. That is hard to believe nowadays. I know.I suppose it’s an ideal to aim for. All I can do is do my job well and look after my family and my patients. Find God in the little things.See how small an acorn is and wonder.If I swallowed one would an oak tree grow inside me? No.it would have to grow by the sewer Imagine under the ground may be thousands of oak tree growing Only if silly idiots swallow acorns! I’m sorry.I have this vivid imagination.Can I have it removed and put a plastic one in? Not yet but no doubt it will happen.Go outside and walk around a lot Why? Because I have decided you are ok and we’ve talked enough. Thank you so much, doctor. And so say all of us Then Mary picked up her red coat which the doctor had not seen and she went into the dentist waiting room.The kind receptionist got her some water as Mary did not understand the machine.Uncountable infinity, yes.Water machines, no. This dentist was a most beautiful young woman darting about like a coloured fish in the deep ocean. The filling is still here!The tooth broke.I shall repair it for you. Thank you, Mary told her.It is almost a pleasure to come here. Almost? the dentist replied. It’s a day out for me, Mary told her.I don’t meet intelligent young women like you so much. Oh, my.I forgot to feed Emile.Hi, can you send a cab, please? I must go home or my cat will never forgive me. A handsome young man appeared with a silver car.It almost seemed like a dream.How would Mary know? He was a Muslim and his wife a Christian. And both are good to us.
They are waiting for our partitions. Say but the word and my sole shall be heeled. Guarded the angels from seven savage bites Hail glorious St Hat Trick. Lord, it’s hearsay. Lord, I’m worser Forgive all dear trespassers. Blessed is the truth of thy broom. Pay for us now and the whore at our death. I believe in none , God. The communion of taints. The Ten Demanding Torments are here. Have you paid your wrecks yet? For all the saints who laboured at their tests For all the painted ghosts Remember man, thy tart is bust Ash to ash,dust if you must Forgive us an hour’s trespassing and we shall be in heaven Please do as you would have fun by I am God”s l confusing person Satanic Curse. Pray,Father,give me your denim Through my vault,through my thieving vault I heard a bill fall wide. Why are you my peer,Nehemia? Sorry, why are you so dear? Jeremiah hid in a wave.He couldn’t fund a whale. God sent a form and a bad temper, but the Word was not on the Form She was like a centipede married to a mouse.No end of feet… a feat! And the Word was with God…. if only it had stayed there silently but no, we must have our tongues wagging all day.
When Mary woke up she could see the sun shining through the curtains. How lucky, it was going to be another bright day. She lay in bed trying to decide what to do. then she remembered that she could not go out because she was waiting for the pharmacy to deliver her medication. Owing to the cutbacks in the NHS the pharmacy was struggling to cope with all the prescriptions received especially from the older folk of Knittingham who have been put onto statins,calcium channel blockers, beta blockers, tranquilizers, antidepressants mini aspirin, warfarin and even anti-psychotic drugs because they did not believe Theresa May was a was a real living person and so were diagnosed with schizophrenia. If Ronald Laing was here now he would be rolling in his grave because he said schizophrenia was caused by people being put into an intolerable situation within the family of origin or more likely within Society if we can still use the word. Is Boris Johnson real? Michael Gove… he’s hardly looks human;you see if you do not agree with what the majority of people think then you are defined as mad. This means that all the Jews in Germany and Austria and other countries in Eastern Europe were crazy in 1938 because they did not believe that Adolf Hitler was a good leader for Germany and indeed was a dangerous and evil human
And when they were taken to Concentration Camps and murdered or shot in their thousands by the advancing German army on its way to “defeat” the Soviet Union in 1941……….. were they out of their minds? Who do you think was crazy then? Who is crazy now?
Well, Mary thought this is not going to get me very far I better make myself a big mug full of hot tea so I can take my antibiotics.
I really wonder now if original sin is real or whether it is a society that is evil. Western societies have nuclear bombs, military forces and many such things. That must tell us something.
Mary was looking in her wardrobe trying to find something to wear. She picked out a skirt of many colours rather like Joseph’s coat would have been in the Bible. That didn’t do Joseph much good do it?. With that, she wore a blue acrylic jumper whose neck was too low so underneath she had to wear a purple camisole
My goodness, she thought it takes me half the morning just getting dressed; however did we manage to go to work years back?
Of course, when Mary was working she wore just jeans and a sweater.. She even wore underwear but nobody could see it except on one occasion when the zip on her trousers broke in the middle of a lecture.However, the students were very kind and none of them seemed to be looking at it. that was because her lectures were so fascinating that none of the students was looking at her as a woman despite the fact they could have seen her blue silk knickers poking out through the broken zip.
After that Mary realised that it was better to wear a very long sweater when out of the house. How kind her students had been
Downstairs she noticed that although she had vacuumed the carpet in the hall the day before it was still covered in little bits of paper and other tiny objects. I suppose you can’t have it clean all the time she murmured to her cat Emile It’s not natural to be clean. Are forests clean, are woods clean, is the sea clean? I’d better think about the latter one she thought. after reading the news about the environment she knew there were different kinds of cleanliness
There was a kind of a harmonious dirtiness which fostered the growth of plants and seeds and then there was the inharmonious dirtiness of grass verges being covered in crisp packets and empty bottles of Coke and the inharmonious depths of the sea where plastic bags were waiting to kill the whales or the dolphins Yes it is rather difficult to define she decided.
In the kitchen, her cordless vacuum cleaner was waiting to be charged. Had it committed a crime. Of course not, it was waiting to be charged with electricity.
Through the glass door, she saw her friend Annie approaching slowly as she was wearing very high heeled shoes
Good grief Mary cried. I thought all the top people were wearing white trainers this year with designer clothes
Well, I am not, said Annie. I bought these shoes because I have got an invitation to have dinner with that psychotherapist who lives across the road
You haven’t mentioned him for a long time, smiled Mary but in any case, it’s not the time for dinner yet
No it’s not till tomorrow actually but I thought I would try these shoes out and see what I can get used to wearing them so it won’t look as if I’m making an effort to look especially good for him.
The shoes were shiny red patent leather with 5-inch heels.
What makes you think that he will like them, asked Mary tentatively
All men like these sort of shoes and Annie told her.
You can’t prove that. I don’t suppose that the native peoples of North America would have liked women to wear shoes like that
They probably did not even wear shoes at all : they had moccasins with soles, made from buffalo hides…
Well it’s different nowadays
Modern life has made men’s sexual desire disappear so we need to do things to bring it back again
Why, even teenagers have given up sex now!
I don’t think that psychotherapist is a teenager whispered Mary with a smile on her face.
You may be right
When he was growing up women would have been wearing stiletto heels. I had some myself until they got stuck in a groove in the pavement and I had to leave them behind.
That’s why I did mathematics at University. I wanted something more.
That’s ridiculous,replied Annie. I wore stiletto heels and have been married five times and I never wanted to go to university to read anything at all. Especially not physics, mathematics or engineering or difficult subjects like that. I think it will be a big mistake for women to believe they can get married after they have read mathematics for 6 years at university. Well I got married said Mary bluntly
You must be the exception to the rule as you are so stunningly lovely and not dominating at all.
Some men like a dominating woman, Mary kindly informed her.
Well, I’ve never met a man like that so far. her friend responded
Maybe you will
I wonder what that psychotherapist likes. Do you not think he will be married already
I don’t mind. I can be his mistress.
But wearing red patent leather shoes makes it all too obvious to the neighbours ; they will think that you are a tart
What, at my age?
There’s no tart like an old tart
That doesn’t mean anything said Annie nervously.
Not logically but it means something even if it’s only humorous. What kind of dress are you going to wear with this?
I got a dress from Dash last year it’s what they call a wrap dress it’s blue and quite demure but I would like you to see me in it to make sure it is not too tight. I hate a dress that is too tight on a woman
But not on a man, I suppose, Mary replied whimsically
I don’t mind what men wear. If they want to wear a wrap dress let them wear it especially in the summertime as these cotton dresses are very comfy in hot weather
But that’s not why you’re wearing one is it? You are wearing it because you think it will make you look sexually attractive
Well, it might make a man look sexually attractive too.
I suppose we don’t really know exactly what makes people look sexually attractive. But why don’t you want to be friends with this psychotherapist first and get to know him and to understand where he is coming from before you decide to wear provocative clothing. if he’s a Freudian he might think you’ve got hysteria
Oh no no, psychotherapists can’t decide something like that from one meeting
We should not rush to judgment.A woman might be wearing a wrap dress that clings to her curvaceous body because all her other clothes are in the washing machine
It would have to be a very big washing machine to put your clothes into it all at once
Don’t be snide it doesn’t suit your nature, Mary!.
Perhaps my nature will change now that I am a widow. perhaps I will say nasty things to people and steal you fruit from their Orchards
Will you start doing armed robbery asked her friend because if you do I would like to come with you
Do you really mean that, Mary asked
Yes of course I do. although I have no guns and I have no knives except the ones in the kitchen
Well they can be deadly. Marital violence has occurred where a long-suffering wife has killed the cruel husband with the carving knife when she was trying to cook the Sunday dinner and he was asking her to cut his toe nails
That’s true but I am thinking of robbing banks and they will not be cooking a Sunday dinner in there will they?
No ,they’re probably going to McDonald’s for their dinner
That’s alright then
I was just thinking of pretending to have a gun and staring at them brazenly
Give me your money I want £50,000
it’s no use, Mary. you look too kind and gentle to be convincing
In that case, I will have to start practicing looking nasty and aggressive
Please don’t do it to me Annie asked. it might bring out the demon in me
I didn’t know you had got a demon inside you said, Mary. has it got a name?
Not so far but I will think of one soon because I am going to buy it its own mobile phone
Why would a demon want a mobile phone? asked Mary
Don’t be so logical. not everything has a reason. I expect they like to look modern like you and I do
Well don’t spend a lot of money on it You can get a Nokia 1 unlocked for £79.99 on Amazon and then you have to buy a SIM card
I would have thought a SIN card will be most suitable for demons,.I shall go and put my new dress on and return here in a few minutes so that you can tell me what you think
Why Annie thinks that Mary is a good judge of clothing is a mystery to all of us as her main interest is in mending gadgets and studying philosophy while listening to Leonard Cohen singing The Future
Stan was in his front garden polishing the wheelie bins with lavender wax polish. He was not very happy as the garden was only 10 feet by 12. so the huge wheelie bins ruined it.When he got to the third one the lid popped open and out jumped his next door neighbour “Adulterous Annie”. Hello, Stan” she whispered.”Where’s Mary now ?” “Why?” Stan muttered into the back of her neck which he licked as he like her salty taste. “I was thinking, these bins are so big, we could both get inside one.It would make a change1!”. ”What a strange idea” he replied philosophically.however , age was no obstacle where love was involved. if you catch my drift. Soon Stan and Anne were in the big green recycling bin.Stan being 81 had shrunk somewhat so he took up less space than Annie did.He allowed her to kiss his left eyelid.What a lovely feeling. Alas, all too soon, as they say, they heard Mary’s bicycle bell.She was getting faster and faster.As she wheeled her bike up the 30-yard long front path to the porch she heard murmurings and mutters, She lifted up the green plastic lid and saw the two lovers covered in cuttings from the privet hedge. “What the bleedin’ hell are you doing in there?” she shouted mellifluously. Well , it’s hard to explain,……………but Stan was wondering about a green funeral” Anne said mischievously. “Funeral , my hat!” Mary said coldly.”Get out at once” “Don’t speak to me like that” Stan beseeched her brazenly. “Well ,it’s a shock to find your husband in the bin with another woman!” “Wouldn’t it be more of a shock if he was in the bin with a man, or even a sheep?” “Schmann or Schwommann, sheep,it’s immaterial. “Hurry, get out, quickly before the school exit time.what will all the mums think as they go by?” But poor Stan could not get out.He was stuck.Oh ,my! what an odd phrase. “Have you got your mobile on you?” “Yes, it’s here in my bag. “You’d better call 999” “What a brilliant idea!” Soon, Dave, the paramedic arrived. Mary showed him Stan’s situation. Ever resourceful,Dave was not bothered though the NHS budget might be getting cut. He tied some rope around Stan’s waist and between the three of them and Emile the cat and his friend Elizabeth, they managed to haul the poor man out. Annie stood weeping with shame.Her silvery blue eyeshadow was beginning to run mixed with tears and black water soluble mascara from Chanel of Paris and London. Her new coral lipstick from Clinique was not as non-allergenic as she hoped.Never mind, it gave her lips that bee stung look that many men admire.It reminded Stan of his boyhood days playing near High Force Waterfalls in upper Teesdale…. Teesdale ,still an undiscovered and undervalued part of England. Contact the English Touring Board for more information. Holiday Loans available from Thwaites of Stockton and Darlington at only 1% interest. Mary gave Annie a large Kleenex tissue, ”Come indoors,honey, and I’ll make you some Ceylon tea.It’s been the most thrilling event of my entire life and I’ve photographed you with my new Nokia camera phone [Prices available on request from The Cat-phone Warehouse,Teesside ,Northern England, comes in pink and pink and…pink?How I love pink!] I’m going to send some to the local paper. Stan staggered upstairs covered in bits of privet ,lettuce and cabbage hearts, and carrot tops ,not to mention a few dozen banana skins and potato peelings. What an afternoon.[Please contact the society for the care and protection of vegetables if you wish to make a complaint about this story.} “That’s the last time I climb into a wheelie bin”, he thunked “Next time we’ll use the cardboard and newspaper wheelie bin” he proclaimed to Emile. Well, there;s no fool like an old fool,Emile miaowed And so say all of us
A strange and lonely feeling held my heart Gripping like some pincers made of steel. From my beloved, I had had to part The numbness folded round me like a wheel.
Quietness loved, has now turned into threat Nero-like, I fiddle with my tunes Pie Jesu’s not made top ten yet! Larks’ ascents aren’t worth much to a loon.
I phoned a friend, her voice did me no good It echoed in the chambers of my mind Where metal walls torment the coursing blood And escalate these feelings so unkind
Though he l loved has gone for he is dead. I see his shadow on my artless bed
How my heart speaks 