When Mary got home after her Autumn shopping trip. she went into the kitchen where her cat was waiting anxiously
What have you bought,Mother, Emile miaowed
I got some black patent Mary Janes in Clark’s Sale
You had some like that before.You said they were too tight
Mary put the kettle on.It was copper coloured and cordless
Are we having our coffee now, the cat enquired?
Yes, but also I have read about a trick with tight shoes.Watch this.She laid the shoes on newspaper and poured boiling water into them
Oh,mother, that seems cruel; he phoned 999
Hello, my mother has poured boiling water into her shoes
Why? Is it to wash her feet?
No, but I am worried the shoes might be hurt.
We’ll send the ambulance immediately
Meanwhile Mary had emptied out the boiling water.She took off her socks and put the new shoes on.
There , you see.They will fit now if I leave them on till they cool
The doorbell rang.Two policemen ran in.
We hear you are causing suffering to your shoes
Is that illegal ,Mary murmured affectionately
Almost.When Boris lets Parliament begins we believe hurting leather shoes will become a crime
Is it because we are in the EU?
No, it’s only we British people who care about the pain of objects made from dead animals.So as soon as we Leave Boris will pass a new law
Is he a dictator,Emile miaowed?
We can’t answer that,Sir.You speak good English but where are you really from?
What is your first language?
Are you implying I am an illegal immigrant?That I swam in up the Humber or swam with seals off North Norfolk before coming to Weybourne a well known way for Conquerers to enter England? I am not Julius Caesar;he landed near Deal.There is a big plaque there.Not put there by him!
Yes, are you from the Ukraine or anywhere in Eastern Europe [YouRup]
Are they like YouTube?
Don’t mess with us.We can arrest you.We are the Police and soon we’ll have our own State!
But you have no paw-cuffs. have you?
We can use string, the policeman said creatively
That sounds much more cruel putting hot water into my shoes,Mary said politely but with a certain edge to her voice.
The policeman looked foolish.Yes,madam.
And cats can’t have passports, as yet.They go to a Cattery on the North Yorkshire Moors for their holidays.Some go to Cornwall.
Am I going, asked Emile? I don’t want to go all by myself.
No,I am renting a cottage in Hunstanton where pets are allowed.And the sands are white and the cliffs coloured in three layers
Thank you, replied Emile.I am happy to hear that.Can I have a bathing suit,Mother?Are there rock pools?
Ask LP Hartley
You tell me!
You will not go in the sea.It is dangerous being the Wash.
In the Wash?
Not the machine.It’s what they call that estuary.
I see, the cat answered politely.I’ll shave my face and get a tan.
How my heart sings 