Serious limericks

What we pay attention to grows.
Whilst our other seeds lie here unsown.
The evil tree towers,
Over the bankers ill powers.
It’s a haven for vultures and crows.

Let us examine our gifts.
The race is not all to the swift.
We each have our talents
With patience to balance
Each life is an art made with craft

I found this written on a piece of paper but I don’t know who wrote it.

Every person with mental health problems was once more afraid than they could tolerate when they were a baby.

And their psychic structure represents the gallant attempt to allay the intolerable feelings by the inadequate means at their disposal

The trials of women

Mary was sitting feeling quite lonely in the waiting room outside the doctor’s office when she saw Emile hiding under a chair..
What are you doing,she whispered.I’m glad of your company
I jumped into your cab, the cheeky cat informed her proudly
I want to be there when he examines you.
Don’t worry,she answered,they always have a chaperone nowadays.
Just then a pretty young black nurse took Mary into a room and said to her
Take off your underpants,please!
I don’t wear underpants,said Mary,but I can go home and get my husband’s if you want me to.
We use underpants as a generic term,the nurse informed her in a kindly yet menacing voice.
Wow,they are so intelligent nowadays,I don’t think I knew what generic meant till recently Mary told herself stupidly thinking of the hours she had spent trying to grasp infinitesmally small numbers as they flew by.
I have no underpants,Emile mewed.peevishly.
No and I am not making you any.I have quite enough washing to do already.Mary responded thoughtlessly yet maturely imagining Emile wearing a three piece suit.
It’s not fair, said Emile.All my friends have underpants and T shirts too.Why not me?
But the doctor came in and looked nervously at Mary and at her female parts.
Mary was used to this but all of a sudden she got a nasty pain when he opened the speculum out
Ow,ow,ow,she shrieked,what is that pain I got?
It’s ok,said the nurse,just old ladies are not used to this sort of thing.
I’ll have you know many older ladies are very used to sexual activity and joy but not when they are unaroused .Besides men’s organs are usually kinder than metal or plastic if and only if the lady is willing.Can’t you put more lubricant on the damned thing
The doctor tried to remove the speculum but was clearly agitated.
Ouch,cried Mary.Ouch.It hurts still!
Thank goodness I didn’t know it would hurt.Do you think we should be shown a romantic arousing film in the waiting room to make it easier for the doctor?
We can’t do that,said the nurse.We might be accused of running a brothel.
But the doctor is not paying me,said Mary.I am paying him, in a sense,as a taxpayer.
You are too clever for me,said the nurse sharply
I shall bring a vibrator next time,Mary told her,though she had neYou can’t bring a vibrator or the doctor will be angry as he might be accused of misconduct if you enjoyed yourself, the nurse whispered
I thought it was only misconduct if he enjoyed himself,Mary cried loudly
He has seen so many ladies, it is just like seeing into a mouth for him,said the nurse churlishly.
I expect one gets used to anything in time,Mary murmured,but I hope he will not do that again to me.
No, you seem ok,the doctor said,but I seem to imagine I see a cat under the table.What is he doing?
I am just keeping an eye on you,mewed Emile.I live with Mary.
No animals are allowed in here ,the doctor shouted.
A bit late now,mewed the cat.Are you sending for the cat police?
Dr.Grey picked up a very large speculum and threatened to strike Emile.
Now then,said the nurse, he might scratch my legs.Leave him alone.He’s just protecting her.
Fat lot of good he was,Mary thought.
The doctor approached Mary and told her she would be seeing a consultant soon… in the meantime should she do anything to prepare… she asked.
Well, do try to relax if you can, he told her gently.It is trying for ladies of riper years to attend hospitals but we only want to help you.
I’ll have to help myself,Mary thought wryly as she got down off the table and put on her red and purple knickers or “underpants” as they are now referred to as.
Thank God,that is over,she whispered to Emile.Let’s run out and get a cab.
She hobbled to the door and phoned the taxi firm with her mobile.I just want to get home she told the driver.
Don’t we all, he said in an Eton accent.Surely it’s not David Cameron in disguise canvassing patients?Thank God he’s not conducting pelvic exams on them!That would lose him the election whether he was any good or not… in my view,but then what do I know about the British electorate?

Do you understand this?

Hugh Mann-Beeing USA
Miss Anne Thrope -Argentina
D.Luded -England
D.Mented.- Ireland
Isle Loveyet -Ireland
Wyse Beyond-Words. -France
Miss Cal Culated -Hong Kong
Mel Anne Colly- USA
Deep Li De-Pressed.-China
Parr-Annoyed [Mrs]- England
P.Annic Attack – Washington
B.Adman- USA
Iam Sictodeath- UK
Diss Ordered-Mined -UK
Piece O’Mined. -Ireland
Can-Ned Slurp.-UK
Aldous.I.Lessin-Gaza -Palestine
Calle M’ Mother -Mixed race or Other
Didya Vote-Yet -Geordie
Cann Ye-Nacum -Teesside and Jewish
Hugh Lost-Face- England
Wear Stah-Bin -Lancashire industrial
Clara Then-Mudde- Buckingham Palace
Amy Goin-T’et Lav- Manchester
Pearson-Ally Diss-Order USA or Canada

Can you sleep on a shelf?

Doctor,doctor,I;m worried about my coughin’.
What about your coffin?
Well,it’s keeping me awake at night.
Why,are you sleeping in it
I have only one place to sleep.
If you are tired you can sleep anywhere!
is that legal?
Of course, it is.
Well, can I sleep in the Queen’s bed?
In theory,yes… but you might frighten the horses.
Why, do they sleep with her?She must have a big bed.
Don’t be so ridiculous…
Well, she has loads of money; she, could have a bed made for her.
She has a bed maid for her
Do you mean someone makes her bed every day?
well,don’t you make yours every day?
No,I bought one in a bed store and it’s well built.
But do you change the sheets daily?
No,i never use paper I write letters on my chromebook.
Which letters?
Any letters at all,except French ones.
but they use our alphabet.
it’s not ours.
Whose is it?
Possibly the Romans.Tantrum ergo!
They are all long gone into their coffins.Uno,duo tres,quattore…,decem,duodecem,duagessin’..
I knew coughin’ was very dangerous
I think your grammar is bed.
What a posh excent you have
It’s all I have left of the old palace.
Well, never mind you can share my coffin if you like.
But is there a bed in it?
Just a bed bug as yet…
I blame the CIA.. who do you blame?
I blame God and he blames us so it’s pretty much a stalemate.
We need the Messiah…..
Not again,we’ve not got over the last one yet…
You make him sound like a hurdle…
Well,it’s one way of looking at it all.. a big hurdle.
It’s all this talkin’ keeps me awake at night…
At least it stops you coughin’

Doctor,doctor,the coughin’s keeping me up all night again
For goodness sake put the lid on it.