I thought that mobile phones would have legs but they are too smart for that.

>He said take the tablet three times a day. So I said

Does it matter where I take it customer

Is that a designer bag?

No it’s a colostomy .

I’m looking for a double-sided handbag for my wife rather like this Polish journalists bags.

Why do you want to double-sided one?

Because she is two faced.

Like twins sharing one body.

I wouldn’t mind if she shared her body with me. But on the second night of our honeymoon she said to me

We’ve already done that.

What a heartless b****

Actually it would have been very difficult because there was something about her that made strong men weep.

Why didn’t you leave her?

She would not be left.

Is that right?

Do pigs bark?

Do sheep yodel?

Do goats play the piano?

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quotation_marks_in_English

 

Mary came home to find Stan crying in his old chair
What’s the matter,baby, she asked gently?
I feel so stupid, he told her.I was in the kitchen getting a drink but the running water made my   bladder want to empty
Well, we do have a loo in the hall
I forgot that so I picked up an old pan and used that
That’s ok,dearest, she whispered
Then I realised, it was a  colander!
I am sorry,Mary,
Well, it’s nothing.Women are used to things like this.
Hi said Annie as she  ran in with  her pink cheeks glowing
I  have got a steam mop today and I’ve just cleaned your kitchen floor.I’d done mine earlier
That is very kind of you.We had a bit of a problem in there
Yes, the tomcat up the road seemed to have left his mark but it’s ok now
She smiled at Stan. who still looked nervous.
I’ll buy you a steam mop for Xmas.I think of it as a toy and I am  killing Roman soldiers with the steam or I have other little fantasies
So do I,Stan muttered
Why don’t we have a cup of tea?
Mary carried the tea in on a wooden tray
Mary, that’s my desk drawer.
Don’t tell me you were going to wee into this
No, I brought it down  to shake the dust out before I put my pens and paper back
Well, remember, chamber pots are never  made of wood.
Wow. how amazing Why  not ?
Because it is porous so stuff soaks into the very wood itself
Annie said, why do you need one when you have an ensuite plus  a loo in the hall
Maybe   it is my second childhood,Stan joked  merrily
Emile strolled in
Smokey and I have been in the woods.The kitchen seems very   clean
I’ve been trying my steam mop on it,Annie reported
Very nice, said Emile,I’d like a small one
Cats don’t mop floors, mewed Smokey
Maybe we will be the first
Just to make sure Dad is well I’d better ring 999
Stan is not your Dad and he does not want to see anyone
Why not?
He wet the floor
Humans suffer so.We mate with all and sundry, wet the  ground and eat the meat
when you forget to freeze it
Well, never mind.We do have a bit of fun
Have more,Emile mewed
And so say all of us