https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2022/09/23/marriage-relationships-conflict/
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Normal marital hatred is real. Here’s what to do about it.
No relationship is perfect. Try to start thinking of yours as an ecosystem that you share with someone else.
By September 23, 2022 at 7:00 a.m. EDT
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Do you know what “normal marital hatred” is? If you’ve been married or in a long-term relationship, then you probably do.
“I’ve been talking about this around the country for decades,” said Terrence Real, a best-selling author and family therapist who offers couples workshops. “Not one person has ever come backstage and said, ‘What do you mean by that?’ Everybody knows what it is.”
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Even so, the idea that hating your romantic partner is “normal” may come as a bit of a shock to those who have idealized romantic relationships. One conversation with Real, and you will be cured of any notion that real life looks like a rom-com.
“No one acknowledges the underbelly of relationships,” said Real, author of “Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship.” “Nobody acknowledges the darkness.”
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Relationship experts have tried for years to unlock the mystery of how couples resolve conflict and learn to stay together. John Gottman, a University of Washington marriage researcher, pioneered the study of relationships by recording couples during conflict and monitoring positive and negative words, facial expressions and body language. He calculated that strong relationships have a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative interactions.
Another researcher, retired University of Virginia professor E. Mavis Hetherington, studied 1,400 heterosexual couples over three decades and found a type of marriage most prone to divorce. She called it the pursuer-distancer marriage, in which one person typically presses to solve problems, but the other dismisses the concerns.
Real said he thinks the real problem is that many couples turn conflict into a power struggle, and nobody wins. “In normal circumstances, if you’re unhappy with me, that is not the time for me to talk to you about how unhappy I am with you,” he said. “Everybody gets that wrong.”
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So here’s what you should know about normal marital hatred, and what you can do about it.
Normal marital hatred is real. Here’s what to do about it.
No relationship is perfect. Try to start thinking of yours as an ecosystem that you share with someone else.
September 23, 2022 at 7:00 a.m. EDT
Listen
Comment
Gift
Share
Do you know what “normal marital hatred” is? If you’ve been married or in a long-term relationship, then you probably do.
“I’ve been talking about this around the country for decades,” said Terrence Real, a best-selling author and family therapist who offers couples workshops. “Not one person has ever come backstage and said, ‘What do you mean by that?’ Everybody knows what it is.”
Get the full experience.Choose your plan
Even so, the idea that hating your romantic partner is “normal” may come as a bit of a shock to those who have idealized romantic relationships. One conversation with Real, and you will be cured of any notion that real life looks like a rom-com.
“No one acknowledges the underbelly of relationships,” said Real, author of “Us: Getting Past You & Me
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Another researcher, retired University of Virginia professor E. Mavis Hetherington, studied 1,400 heterosexual couples over three decades and found a type of marriage most prone to divorce. She called it the pursuer-distancer marriage, in which one person typically presses to solve problems, but the other dismisses the concerns.
Real said he thinks the real problem is that many couples turn conflict into a power struggle, and nobody wins. “In normal circumstances, if you’re unhappy with me, that is not the time for me to talk to you about how unhappy I am with you,” he said. “Everybody gets that wrong.”
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So here’s what you should know about normal marital hatred, and what you can do about it.
How my heart sings 