Are you nurturing an old wound? Seal it off with “super soul and heart glue!”

I believe that we English people use irony more than other folks do,although I’ve not carried out any surveys.I am waiting for the government to give me 5 million pounds to carry out a short research project on this.

Now,if you hear someone say

This government is the best one since King Alfred burnt the cakes or since Queen Elizabeth the first lost her virginity,you would guess they did not mean exactly what they said.
BTW what kind of cakes did Alfred make? More importantly,what kind of oven did they have in those days.We had one adjacent to a coal fire so to bake or roast the fire had to be well alight and going strong.
Burning cakes was not too easy because there was no thermostat and the fire tended to die down.So you could not turn the knob around by accident or for fun as my brother did in 1947  on our gas cooker when my mother had put all her eggs,dried fruit etc together to make a Xmas cake… rationing was still on and besides we were quite poor then.A cake like that needs a long time to bake on a low  heat.
So it was ruined and although I was only a baby then I can hear the shouting now.Had my brother been the king ,no doubt he could have put all the family into prison where at least they would have got a slice of roast pigeon and some stale Xmas cake…. probably left over from Saxon times.
Come to think of it,were the Saxons Christians and if not  how come they made Xmas cake? If the Royal family had gone to Amazon and bought an oven timer history would be quite different.I wonder what Alfred was doing? Was he enjoying the delights of his Queen? Now in my baking book it says

Never  make love while waiting for a cake to bake.Not even to yourself.It will distract you.

Personally I’d admire anyone who got turned on after spending hours mixing the ingredients and preparing the cake tin but maybe I am unusual.
How would I know if I were?I can hardly go around asking if they find making a cake arousing.I’d have thought that it’s what you do when you are frigid as you hope the oven might warm you up.
On no account must you  try to make love inside the oven on a household cooker because  it’s not possible.Why?
That requires a  lot of thought.Basically it’s all about size
.Now if Queen Victoria had baked instead of having so many children the history of Europe would have been very different.
The Kaiser was her grandson and because his mother was Victoria’s first child he believed he should have been King of England.Now if he had been,would there have been a war?Is there any point in speculating like this?
Again I need a research grant to carry out …. research.Speculating can be dangerous sometimes.Again soe folk like gambling and others like playing Solitaire.Vive la difference.Oy vey.Amen

Now if Victoria had stuck to jam and cream filled  sponges the world would be utterly transformed and we would all be speaking a different language…but which?

The matron of the Home made cakes for tea
Her husband helped by stoking up the fire
How happy all the residents would be
Home made cake was  very much desired

This Home  where men and women shared their meals
And went for rambles in the afternoon
The spirit of the Home  was made to heal
The grief of those just widowed felt its boon

The Matron like a mother showed great care
I watched her in my silent way  to learn
Now who makes cakes  to feed the old and scared?
What kindness  is there now for those who yearn?

Food  will help us live and keep our health
It makes a symbol  shared ,  our spirit’s wealth

Our narcotic is excessive work
Who could  think that work might be a sin?
Thinking numbs the heart in sadness stuck

Learning mathematics,feeling pert
Latin Greek and music, what a din
 Our narcotic is excessive work

I wonder if my cello I could pluck
Its metal strings  made grooves upon my skin
Abstraction numbs the heart in sadness stuck

If we feel, our feelings make us hurt
We kick the nearest person on the shin
Today’s narcotic is excessive work

With our government we  stay alert
We can’t be quiet inside when all’s maudlin
Exotic symbols numb the heart so stuck

We feel the pricks of many sharpened pins
The  conscience of the soul is wearing thin
Our narcotic is excessive work
Thinking numbs the heart in  angst now stuck