Day: June 20, 2018

It’s flu

Doctor,doctor I’ve not been for three years
Come again?

Where is the New River?
On top of the Old River

Where is the rain?
In the water.

Doctor,I see I am done for
I didn’t do it.
No, that is why!

Doctor I have a growth on my arm
Is it your hand?
You need glasses
Well. why not cut it off just to be sure
What, and leave me with just one arm
Well,you’ve only got one eye
Which one ? Can you guess?
They both look singular to me
Now,pull the other one!
Why not admit you are dead?
That is a logical contradiction
Logical, praise indeed.

Doctor, may I go to bed?
With whom?
Why are you asking?
Is it my brother?
No, it’s flu

And thinking too by Love’s despised.

Your face is map enough for me

Your gaze,your smile,your frown,your glee.

And if I want to know the rest

The shape your posture‘s made is best

For showing what your life is now.

A look,a gesture all this show.

Till who you are is then disclosed

And I am in your arms enrobed.

Love vanishes when analysed,

And thinking too

by Love’s despised.

Choose the means to fit the end

And then I’ll be who you intend

Homophonia

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
euripides1-2xYou can’t mention the nigger in the wood pile any more.Mainly because nobody would know what you meant.And if they did it might remind them of Grenfell Tower.I heard people say,well they are not British.Like me.I’m 98.654 Irish and 2 % alcohol.Add that up!

What order does your brother belong to, is it the Jesuits?
Whicj order would you like to have delivered first?
The order of numbers is simple.Begin with one.One what?
In what order shall we sort the orphaned children detained at the border?
Did Trump give the order? Did Hitler order the genocide of the Jews?

I parked my car by the Park Gate.There was no actual car park.
Park yourself by the fire and I’ll give you some tea.

Have you seen my pole?
No, but there’s a Polish shop by the bus stop.They are Poles
I need one for vaulting, like they do in the Olympics
My mother had a pole to hold up the washing line.
How awful to make an immigrant do that
No, it was made of wood!
Still, it could be worse.They could be plucking chickens
I prefer to pluck a guitar.
Where’s my pole gone?

My bed is square
No, it’s a rectangle
I mean it’s out of date.
What do you want?
A bed with drawers
Get an artist in
I sleep by myself but thanks anyway.
Do you sleep with anyone?
Not just anyone!

Homophones:sound alike but mean something different

http://www.studyin-uk.com/blog/2014/02/11/homophones-the-english-words-that-create-confusion/

I taut in a University.
Not English,I presume!!
No I taught and my nerves got taut.My spelling is often Rung.
By whom?
Wrong again!

He has a mote round his house? Surely a mistake.Moat is what you mean
Might be! Must be!

Doctor,I keep seeing moats floating round the room
Well,put up the drawbridge

Doctor, what are motes?
I said,keep notes.

I caught my death of cold whereas my wife was caught with her lover in a bus shelter making love on a plastic seat.
What a feat!
She has two feet.
One more and you can have a yard.
We’d be more stable with three feet
Then Jesus could be born again
Oh,dear.Not on a plastic seat,I hope
I’m beat.

How well taut were you?
I hear what you say.
I say!

I was caught in
a fishing net
Stealing fish?
No,I was sleeping in it till a fish bit me
Why was it in the net?
It had a sign saying:fish welcome here.
Can they read?
I don’t know.I’m illiterate myself.
I am asking about fish.~
Don’t ask me.I’m a man.

My mother caught measles and passed it on to me
Should that be them?
No, they didn’t get it
And neither do you.

He returned to the shore after he caught a spy swimming into Britain
Can’t they even afford boats now?
If you are posh, bought rhymes with coat and haute

Maybe I went the wrong way about being psychoanalysed.I read a book.
I read peoples faces
What a metaphor
What a cymbal!
Signs are symbols to some.
Symbols are nothing to many

What is a homonym?

https://www.poetrysoup.com/homonym/

” A homonym is group of words that share the same spelling and the same pronunciation but have different meanings.

Not to be confused with Homophones

List of True Homonyms
bank
bark
bat
bow

can
cave
change
clear
cleave
cool
crane”
Examples I have made up:

Now let me make it quite clear,I want you to clear you room before you go out on Saturday.

You can’t get money from a river bank yet she is banking on me to provide her with cash before she flies to Greenland

I craned my neck to see what my husband was doing in the garden with my neighbour.
Meanwhile a crane was lifting up some bricks to help build a tower block in the garden of Buckingham Palace
Do cranes still live in the wild?

You have given me the wrong change, you cheating liar.When will you change your ways?

She was so cool, she wasn’t bothered when her pants fell down in the High Road in Wood Green.She just stepped out and walked on.

He was too cool to be a good lover.We all need warmth but his mother was similar and had managed to conceive.Unless it was God who was his father!

I got some petit pois in a can

Can men put shelves up by genetic inheritance or must they be taught?

Descartes and Dualism and Wittgenstein

This is interesting if you’d like to know whether body and mind are separate,as it were.

http://specterofreason.blogspot.com/2009/05/descartes-contra-wittgenstein.html

“Descartes’ famous principle, cogito ergo sum (“I think, therefore I am,” also known simply as the cogito), is probably the most widely known philosophical statement, and it is often considered to exemplify the only thing one can know for certain: that one exists.

The cogito might be considered an instance of modus ponens: “If I am thinking, then I exist; I am thinking, therefore I exist.” However, Jaako Hintikka (1962) compellingly argues that Descartes’ cogito ergo sum is not a logical inference at all, but a performative act: that a certain cognitive act instantiates direct knowledge of one’s existence–that the act of thinking makes one’s existence self-evident. On this view, “I think, therefore I am” is not a logical result, but expresses an inevitable consequence of thought itself. And because it is thought which manifests the necessity of the existence of the I, Descartes concludes that the I exists by virtue of thought alone. The I is, by definition, a thinking substance.”

How cheerfully the hours to come will go

Come live with me and be my sweetheart now
I’ll share my only bed with you and how!
If you let me love you
I’ll darn your old wool gloves 4 you
If you come and meet me brow to brow.

Come live with me ‘n teach me all you know
About poetic licence and Defoe.
I’ll mend your vacuum cleaner,
Learn expressions meaner..
How cheerfully the hours to come will go,

Come live with me and be my lover true
Without one,whatever shall we do?
I’ll mend all England’s railways
Wreck the works on weekdays
Come live with me and I will sweep your flue.

Come live with me in Norway on a fjord
I’ll use my Canon PowerShot if I ‘m bored
I’ll watch the flowers growing
And see the waters flowing
How happy Wittgenstein’d be if he knows

Bless the continuous stutter of the Word being made into flesh

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

Then love itself was gone

I heard there was a sacred chord

There’s no-one left to torture

We don’t  like babies, anyhow.

But does it have to come so cruel, so  very bright?

It pleased the Lord

A sacred chord

We’ve seen the Nations rise and fall

We’re just the little Jews who wrote the Bible

Jesus was a sailor

Forsaken, almost human

He sank beneath your wisdom

Only drowning men could see him

That’s no way to say,goodbye

I have tried in my way to be free.

I swear by this song and by all I’ve done wrong

Dance me to the end of love

Climb on your tears and be silent

Oh, broken love.

Gentle this soul

The sun give over to splendour

Bless the continuous stutter

Of the Word being made into flesh

It doesn’t matter that your heart is broken

Sing a song to help the dying soldier
Sing a song to ease him on the way
Release him from your weary shoulder
And let him sleep in  shadows of dismay

It doesn’t matter that your heart is broken
It doesn’t matter he has got no bed
At last the love you feel has opened
And before he dies, you are by silence wed

Sing a song to help him with his leaving~
Sing as softly as a little bird
There is no evil that he is concealing
And you yourself have heard his final words.

So when his soul flies from the open window
You cannot stop it with your wifely heart
Stay a while here with his holy shadow
And then rise to your feet and so depart

We’re only human we feel sorrow
We’re only human, how we grieve
With trembling legs and  belly hollow
Appearances like this do not deceive

Annie wants Mary to marry an intellectual

From my old blog:May 2012

Mary was sweeping the floor with her new Shark cordless electric carpet sweeper just replaced by Lakeland Plastics, that store beloved of British women.Emile was watching her from the lid of the old gramophone where he sat surveying the sitting room.
Leave that spider alone,he called to Mary
Why? she asked kindly,are you planning a date with it?
No,it’s a good thing to keep them as they may catch flies and other nasty things.
Mary turned and gazed at Emile.She was wearing some blue Tencel jeans and a bright pink top with embroidery round the neck.Her thoughtful face w as covered in Radiant Glow foundation as her friend Annie was trying to make her look more attractive to men.Which men was a puzzle as Mary liked to spend time alone or going out with her female colleagues to search for books on Dirac’s owl,Schrodinger’s cat or Godel’s ants.
Her male colleagues were mainly very conceited or shy like the rabbits brought up in the cliffs at Lyme Regis.
However Annie wanted Mary to marry again, as she saw her own vocation in life as being a mistress to a bright and intelligent retired man whose wife worked full time or was in the Library studying the Babylonian number system or other esoteric topics
.So she could help Mary and herself at the same time.
Shall we have a party,she chuckled to Mary as she came in through the ever unlocked back door.
What sort of party,Mary asked nervously.
I want you to meet some men,Annie reminded her.
I believe that like bombs falling on London in WW2,that if a man has your number on him he will find you,Mary teased.
Maybe your phone number,Annie retorted.Why don’t you get a spare mobile and I can put some posters with that number on the trees down the side roads saying you are looking for a new partner.
I thought I had made it clear that as some Orthodox Jews believe that Zion will only come when God wants it to do,so a man will turn up when it is God’s will.
That’s a bit much.Do you think you are God’s chosen person? Is God interested in finding you a new husband? Annie shouted.
Well,it may seem strange to you ,but even seeming trivia like me being married to some new man can have deep consequences for the whole world… a bit like the butterfly’s wings If I am happy it spreads around me and makes others happier too.Or if God wishes me to write a book and I need a man to cook for me then one will turn up,Mary responded in her low and musical Tyneside accent.
On the other hand, God may wish me to lead a contemplative life,she carried on.
Annie was puzzled.Why do you think God has all these plans for you,she enquired.
It’s not just me,said Mary.It’s everybody but that does lead into difficulties as we look at the world around us.Does God want all. these refugees to drown or for Britain to stay in the EU or leave and please Florenc Tonson? It reminded the women of their convent school classes where they had studied a simplified version of the writings of Aquinas and his proofs of the existence of God.
It was this book which had given Mary her first doubts about religion and, being somewhat dim in the tact department. she had shared her misgivings with the headmistress, who was not happy to be questioned even in front of mere school girls.
Emile,she cried,I wish I were a cat.My schooldays were so terrible
It’s your own fault, said Annie.I just pretended to believe it and kept quiet by fantasising about my new lingerie and how my boyfriend would like it
How remarkable it is that girls and boys can be so different in their personalities and ways of coping with puberty.
It was like a prison,Mary said.Still it made later life seem happier.

How did you afford new underwear so often,she asked Annie
I wore my mother’s! this dear friend informed her.
My mother didn’t have that sort of underwear,Mary told her.And see how something seemingly so trivial can affect one’s personal development so much.Still I was fed and allowed to study and play the piano and do my homework to the sound of Horace Wagner and Richard Straussbumt.
Did it help you to concentrate,Annie asked in a puzzled way.
No, it allowed my brother to dominate me and otherwise he might have hit me or knocked over the folding table where I kept my exercise books ,and pen ready to write essays on Twelfth Night and the periodic table.
Annie burst out laughing.Sorry,Mary,I am not laughing because you were bullied but it just sounded as if tables had periods,the way you said it.
Imagine how hard it was dealing with all that in a tiny house with the loo in the back yard.It was taboo so had to be concealed.When we went to Dublin for 2 weeks my three sisters and I all had our periods and we brought back all the blood stained cloths in our suitcases.Luckily the customs man did not look inside.
Was there nobody who could have burned them for you?
The landlady never mentioned it so neither did we.
No wonder I am so peculiar.
Well,I like you,said Annie.You are so kind and sympathetic and good to talk to.And you are always coming up with new ideas and interesting books.
I suppose we complement each other.Mary said shyly.Maybe we should get married and forget about men.
Annie’s eyes opened wide.
I think I’d better ring 999.she screamed.
And so say all of us.Don’t wait

Mary learns grammar

 

Mary was in her front room looking for the Jewish Cookery book by Penguin.She couldn’t see it,so said to herself,Jesus Christ, you’re a bloody idiot,Mary
As she turned to walk away, the book fell onto her head.
Thank you,Lord, she said in a sarcastic tone of voice.There was no response
She went into the bijou kitchen covered in cerulean blue tiles by her late husband Stan, while he was still here in this world.Why not make a cup of tea, she asked herself politely
Just then the back door opened and her neighbour Annie ran in.She was dressed in indigo trousers with a scarlet top and scarf.
Her face glowed with Avenue Oat and Lentil CC moisturiser with sunscreen and she had green mascara on her eyelashes from Rive Sans Torrent de Paris and Bruxelles. which matched her trainers and her eye glasses
May I have tea? she said shyly.I ‘ve just been to my English Grammar lesson
Yes,you will be very welcome,Mary said.But why bother now to learn the difference between MAY I and CAN I?
I feel better if I am more confident,Annie said.And the tutor is very handsome
Is it a man? Mary asked
That seems grammatically erroneous.IT refers to a non-human object
What should I say? Is she a man, is he a man,are they a man,is that a man? Mary wondered.
Well, they could even be something else,Annie told her
Don’t say any more or Jordan Peterson will be here shouting at you
I am puzzled by him,Mary said.He said he was a therapist but his voice is not very mellifluous and you’d have to be careful what you said to him.
Like, you hate housework and prefer to try to solve Fermat’s Last Theorem? Annie whispered nervously
Well,yes, but with a therapist you need to be relaxed and say whatever comes into your head,like Canadians were redeemed by St.Eliezer a Cohen,usually referred to as Leonard but I can’t see JP getting on with him Leonard loved women but he was never actually married legally.JP would hate him.
He looks very cross and annoyed despite a marriage and family.I wonder if he helps his wife to cook the dinner,Annie pondered
Not likely, Mary said as she looked through her Jewish cookery book.
I might make a cheesecake tomorrow, she cried.I need a new recipe as I’ve met a man online and we are taking a picnic to the Park.
Are you sure, he/it/they is/are a man? Annie said politely
How can one be now,said Mary.I suppose he/they want to pass as a man but I hope he is a biological man if we are to marry.
He might be gay,Annie told her
Then why would he ask me out?
Because he is a mathematician and he wants to discuss surreal numbers,Annie giggled
Would you join SoulMates and pay a fee just to talk about those? Mary replied in a puzzled way.
I guess it’s cheaper than taking a train to Oxford and sneaking into the Maths Institute,Annie informed her.
OK,I shall bear that in mind.What shall I wear?
In the park you might sit on the grass so wear some thick trousers and a wool sweater
I won’t look very charming in those,Mary said furtively, afraid Emile her cat might get angry if he knew she was dating a new man.
Can’t I wear a red dress with flowers all over and a yellow hat?
You CAN…. but is it WISE? Yellow attracts insects
Well,Mary said,I don’t mind what they are,I just want SOMEONE or SOMETHING to be attracted to me.
And so say all of us.Except Emile