Sorry, I can’t answer the phone.I’ve gone out for a stalk or a flower
Sorry, I am not here.They gave me too many injections and I’m not whole yet nor am I partial to your moaning
Sorry I can’t take your call.I am planning to shoot myself tonight but if I survive I’ll write you an email tomorrow.
Sorry I am not in.I’ve been arrested for writing low quality verses.Is it a crime now?
Sorry we are off to the pub to get arrested for drunk driving so we can spend the New Year in jail…. it saves money for us but not the taxpayer
Please stop phoning;my head is ringing…… how do I take the call?
Sorry I am out right now as I’d love to clear your voice again.Please growl back later.
Fancy you ringing,I love your rude message and return it redoubled in strength.
Yes,you did love her but it was a wrong time ago and besides she is a dead ringer for the Queen
This is a telephone answering service.If you are human try meeting face to face.
Honesty can get very wounding so please take care about leaving a message after the tone
Silence and telephones are incompatible.So take your kick and konk off.
Why are you phoning.I saw you today.Please do not leave a message as I am feeling moody and mean like a film star on a horse’s back
He said he was going out for a bark.Can I fake a message?
He said he was ill but not that he was dead.Men!
He said he’s had enough but I am still alive.
Where am I? I’m not here.So stop phoning
How my heart sings 
Hmmmmm, interesting. Sense of humor and sarcasm ,😜. Ok, this may seem odd to you but Katherine. .. is that you???
Yes, it is me.Maybe my brain is still confused by the UTI!I wrote this some time ago trying to be funny!