Mary and Stan got ready to go to the hospital.Emile yowled and mewed but Mary was adamant.
No,Emile,your fur might be unhygienic.
I can have another bath,Emile mewed piteously.
I know you did come once to visit Stan in the hospital but today will only be a short visit and I’d rather you stayed here.
The cross cat went outside and ate a frog from the lily pond out of sheer spite.Mary put on her heather coloured coat and some money in her blue handbag from Harvey Nicolls as Stan was notorious for taking her out for meals but never having money on him.
They caught a cab.The young driver spoke:
I am going tomorrow to the Diabetic Clinic,he said with wonder,
I go there too,said Stan cheerfully.
I suffer from erectile dysfunction the driver said confidently which was a pity as he only looked about 35..Do you,sir?
Stan was taken aback…
Er,no, he muttered.Not yet, he said persuasively but shyly.Was he lying?
Wow,how amazing,you look about 98,the driver replied,eyeing Mary’s blue eyes and smiling face with wonder…
When they arrived at the clinic they had to sign in electronically.Unfortunately the WRVS tea and snack bar was shut..so they waited patiently with dry mouths..
Luckily the man before them had to go to the lavatory urgently so they got in and saw yet another consultant, a young lady Dr.Range-Rover….After five years it was a shock to see a new doctor every time.
Hello,she said loudly..She looked with shocked awe and horror at Stan’s head…
I’m sorry,sir,but I will need to spray you with the freezing spray.
The last doctor did not use that,he said.She told me it was too painful for someone like myself… and indeed Stan was looking so thin and pale he looked ready to cross over the Styx there and then…Stan turned white as the spray hit his bald head…
A trainee dermatologist was standing by watching the consultant.
You need to be aggressive for this, work she told herself sharply as sje felt critical of Range-Rover.
Why,Range-Rover will be very good at killing flies in summer,Mary thought,but said nothing.
Tears came into her eyes as only she could read Stan’s face which was usually smiling and sanguine…
I am afraid you will have to have surgery on your nose as well,the doctor told the old chap in a rough tone of voice.
Will you cut it off? he joked roguishly,despite his pain and rage and impulse to knock her down with his stick.
No,we’ll leave enough for you to rub ,scratch,vibrate or blow,she cried girlishly,missing his underlying irony.
What is enough?,thought Mary,what would Wittgnstein think,;her head began to swim and a strange feeling came over her entire being making her go as white as a sheet boiled in Persil for three hours and hung out to dry.On the line.
I never faint,thank the Lord, she thought as the curtains began to change patterns and strange squiggles like the Hebrew alphabet stood out.Aleph is a sign used to stand for Infinity in mathematics
Aleph Null is smaller than Aleph One if that makes any sense.I guess Godel might have been Jewish she thought tendentiously.
Her phone beeped.Annie,Stan’s mistress had sent a text.How thoughtful it was and nice to have someone to make their dinner and feed Emile too
You are a long time.Is it ok? the message said bluntly
Yes,said Mary.We should be back soon.We are coming on the bus as it is cheaper and the driver will not reveal his sexual difficulties to the passengers,although nowadays one can’t be sure…
Here are 2 prescriptions said the doctor,but the pharmacy shut at 5 pm.But you need them urgently
Oh,dear said Mary as she was feeling exhausted and had missed her strong cup of tea at 4 pm
Come tomorrow, as it’s urgent now he’s had his skin burned off and might get infected…
Can’t you put a dressing on it?
No,said the doctor perfunctorily.We never do as the NHS is short of cash…DIY
What a surprise,Mary said,Is that why your dress barely covers the Mound of Venus.
What’s the Mound of Venus? said the doctor curiously.
I can’t tell you as my words are rationed owing to the gas bill going up by 40 per cent.Venus was a Goddess,you must know
That’s funny said the doctor.I never knew words were rationed for the old.
Wait till I tell Annie,Mary thought.She doesn’t know what her mound of venus is!
I’ll be glad to leave this hospital clinic as I feel really nauseaous and I don’t want to vomit on this floor before the underpaid cleaners come on duty…She breathed in and out as calmly as she could while she waited for the nurse to finish with Stan or vice versa….
Maybe she is checking his erectile function,she thought naughtily, as she heard a giggle from the next room…
I hope she has some contraceptives as Stan is still probably fertile despite being 108 tomorrow, she thought mischievously.Stan emerged and looked at his wife.She looks awful he thought.She looks worse than I do…
No,Emile,your fur might be unhygienic.
I can have another bath,Emile mewed piteously.
I know you did come once to visit Stan in the hospital but today will only be a short visit and I’d rather you stayed here.
The cross cat went outside and ate a frog from the lily pond out of sheer spite.Mary put on her heather coloured coat and some money in her blue handbag from Harvey Nicolls as Stan was notorious for taking her out for meals but never having money on him.
They caught a cab.The young driver spoke:
I am going tomorrow to the Diabetic Clinic,he said with wonder,
I go there too,said Stan cheerfully.
I suffer from erectile dysfunction the driver said confidently which was a pity as he only looked about 35..Do you,sir?
Stan was taken aback…
Er,no, he muttered.Not yet, he said persuasively but shyly.Was he lying?
Wow,how amazing,you look about 98,the driver replied,eyeing Mary’s blue eyes and smiling face with wonder…
When they arrived at the clinic they had to sign in electronically.Unfortunately the WRVS tea and snack bar was shut..so they waited patiently with dry mouths..
Luckily the man before them had to go to the lavatory urgently so they got in and saw yet another consultant, a young lady Dr.Range-Rover….After five years it was a shock to see a new doctor every time.
Hello,she said loudly..She looked with shocked awe and horror at Stan’s head…
I’m sorry,sir,but I will need to spray you with the freezing spray.
The last doctor did not use that,he said.She told me it was too painful for someone like myself… and indeed Stan was looking so thin and pale he looked ready to cross over the Styx there and then…Stan turned white as the spray hit his bald head…
A trainee dermatologist was standing by watching the consultant.
You need to be aggressive for this, work she told herself sharply as sje felt critical of Range-Rover.
Why,Range-Rover will be very good at killing flies in summer,Mary thought,but said nothing.
Tears came into her eyes as only she could read Stan’s face which was usually smiling and sanguine…
I am afraid you will have to have surgery on your nose as well,the doctor told the old chap in a rough tone of voice.
Will you cut it off? he joked roguishly,despite his pain and rage and impulse to knock her down with his stick.
No,we’ll leave enough for you to rub ,scratch,vibrate or blow,she cried girlishly,missing his underlying irony.
What is enough?,thought Mary,what would Wittgnstein think,;her head began to swim and a strange feeling came over her entire being making her go as white as a sheet boiled in Persil for three hours and hung out to dry.On the line.
I never faint,thank the Lord, she thought as the curtains began to change patterns and strange squiggles like the Hebrew alphabet stood out.Aleph is a sign used to stand for Infinity in mathematics
Aleph Null is smaller than Aleph One if that makes any sense.I guess Godel might have been Jewish she thought tendentiously.
Her phone beeped.Annie,Stan’s mistress had sent a text.How thoughtful it was and nice to have someone to make their dinner and feed Emile too
You are a long time.Is it ok? the message said bluntly
Yes,said Mary.We should be back soon.We are coming on the bus as it is cheaper and the driver will not reveal his sexual difficulties to the passengers,although nowadays one can’t be sure…
Here are 2 prescriptions said the doctor,but the pharmacy shut at 5 pm.But you need them urgently
Oh,dear said Mary as she was feeling exhausted and had missed her strong cup of tea at 4 pm
Come tomorrow, as it’s urgent now he’s had his skin burned off and might get infected…
Can’t you put a dressing on it?
No,said the doctor perfunctorily.We never do as the NHS is short of cash…DIY
What a surprise,Mary said,Is that why your dress barely covers the Mound of Venus.
What’s the Mound of Venus? said the doctor curiously.
I can’t tell you as my words are rationed owing to the gas bill going up by 40 per cent.Venus was a Goddess,you must know
That’s funny said the doctor.I never knew words were rationed for the old.
Wait till I tell Annie,Mary thought.She doesn’t know what her mound of venus is!
I’ll be glad to leave this hospital clinic as I feel really nauseaous and I don’t want to vomit on this floor before the underpaid cleaners come on duty…She breathed in and out as calmly as she could while she waited for the nurse to finish with Stan or vice versa….
Maybe she is checking his erectile function,she thought naughtily, as she heard a giggle from the next room…
I hope she has some contraceptives as Stan is still probably fertile despite being 108 tomorrow, she thought mischievously.Stan emerged and looked at his wife.She looks awful he thought.She looks worse than I do…
How my heart sings 